This exploration into possibly being transgendered or a crossdresser feels like a new development right now, but I've actually been struggling for a really long time. The difference now, I believe, is I refuse to sweep things under the carpet anymore.
I don't know yet what or who I am. I don't know if I really am TG or just dealing with Depression and deluding myself for some reason. There are three things I DO know as fact: 1.) I really love wearing tights. Skirts are nice too, but I don't like wearing them as much as tights. They're unneccessary. 2.) I have questioned my gender identity since I was a teenager, maybe longer. 3.) I love my wife and family more than anything. I learned last week I will do anything it takes to keep them, even if it means denying myself everything I want.
Facts 1 & 3 are the only bits of clarity I can cling to in this whole mess. Fact 2 I suppose is similar to experiences shared by many people. What I described to my wife shortly before we separated briefly nearly 2 weeks ago was that I can't get the equations in my mind to balance. The numbers don't quite add up. For a very long time, I've felt like I'm sharing space in my head with like the template of a female personality. It's not like a separate personality. I'm fully aware of everything happening around me. But if you think in terms of a computer: the main program is Me, composed of my male biology and masculine experiences for 35 years. Then there is an alternate program, the template or outline of a female. It's not quite fully realized, but is trying to run or exert itself over the Me program. The conflict, of course, is bugging the system.
I don't know if the conflict is causing depression. I know for sure I've been dealing with that for a long time as well. I can see how TG can cause depression, I just don't know how or why Depression would cause one to believe they're TG. Another thing I know is I feel like I've been living in a gray fog for years. The sun pokes through occasionally and life seems clear, but many times I'm trudging through a haze as the days pass. I've never known what I want to do or who I am supposed to be. That sounds A LOT like depression. I also question whether repressing this feminine self, locking her up, has been at the heart of my problems, kept me from realizing myself.
That takes me to the future. After all this time, could I even be a woman? Would I even know how to do it? I watch women and girls and think there's no way. They're so feminine. They've had a lifetime of experience being female and being raised as such. How could I start at 35? How do I stop repressing this feminine side, and would she even know how to act? What about my family? I don't know if my wife could handle it. She says she's afraid for the children, but they're resilient. I think they would adapt, but I'm more concerned about her. I can't lose them. I would hope she can come around, love me and stay married despite my physical appearance. That raises more questions: if TG is primarily the mental template of your gender, then does one HAVE to change their body to reflect it? Are there other ways to be female? Could I find positive outlets or compromises? I guess that's what this blog is for, to voice these questions and find maybe find answers.
Thanks for reading