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The Reality of Being a Transsexual

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The Reality of Being a Transsexual

By Cindy D. Keranen

I am often asked what I would do differently if I had the choice to do it all over again. This is a powerful question and its one I have pondered many times. Looking back I made so many mistakes and it has cost me so much in terms of heartache. I wish I would’ve done so much differently.

When I decided to become a, “fulltime woman” I could not have known just how difficult it would be. I was working a good job; it paid well and the hours were great. I was commonly complimented on my work ethic and praised constantly over my ability to get things done. Before I, “came out” no one knew what I was and I made the mistake of talking to my supervisor about becoming fulltime. I informed him I was getting my name legally changed and I would look very different when I reported for work. He assured me I would have no issue; I would learn this simply wouldn’t be true in the end.

When I first came out I wasn’t very passable. My makeup was horrible, my breasts were silicone forms, and I was very odd looking for a West Texas girl. I dressed as any other, and my mannerisms were feminine enough, but my features were not well hidden. The awkwardness of my appearance was only further enhanced with the fact I was wearing high color shirts. I wasn’t able to show any cleavage because my breasts were forms. My voice was feminine, my mannerisms were feminine, but it was not a secret what I was.

When I came out I was harassed, debased, humiliated, and made fun of by my coworkers who made a habit of calling me by my birth name and also sir. To make matters worse, management was only not supportive as they said they would be, but they apart of it. Ultimately, when I was threatened by a coworker and I physically confronted him my employment was terminated. This would be an issue over and over again.

I applied to jobs time and time again. Because it took me some time to get my makeup down and also because I was wearing long sleeve shirts with high collars in the summer time, I was unable to find a job. When I was hired and subsequently discovered, I was terminated because of the other employee’e uneasiness with my situation.

There I was, unable to revert to being a man and unable to find gainful employment as a woman. I have been fulltime for almost two years now and still I have been unable to even start my HRT regiment. I am only passable now because I have taken the stand of, “I don’t care anymore what you think” and my confidence and makeup skills compensate for any doubts. I am no closer to now to the end of my transformation then I was two years ago. I shower with my eyes closed, I shave in the shower, and I apply my foundation in total darkness. I don’t open my eyes until it’s at least applied. I hate my body; it isn’t mine, and trying to fix the issue is proving all too difficult.

So, my advice to anyone considering becoming a fulltime transsexual woman is this; take your time, get your ducks in a row, and be prepared to find new employment. Save your money, get going good on HRT, and most of all get good with the application of your, “war paint”. Be prepared; don’t make the mistakes I did. If I would’ve stayed, “in the closet” only another six months, I would have had my breast augmentation and the money for my SRS. (I was 3 weeks away from my breast surgery when I was fired and one paycheck). Be sure you are passable, and be prepared for a long and difficult road.

I am almost 33 years old and there is little hope I will ever have my surgeries in time to be young enough to ever enjoy all the benefits of being a woman in our society. Please, be prepared!


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8 Comments

Posted

Hello Cindy:

I must say that it was a rather interesting story but just keep you head up and continue with your journey towards womanhood. Maybe what you need is a complete change of scenery where you can start a new life and where no one knows you. It may difficult to leave family and friends behind but you should look into relocating some where else.

Wishing you all the best - - -ART.

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Posted

Yes, I did. I moved to MT, but I am in ND more then I am anyplace else, I love it up here. No one knows what I am, and its difficult not to try to meet someone, but i cannot let anyone know. All in all, I love it up here.

Thank you for the blog post and please, message me anytime.

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Posted

Cindy thanks for putting it in words thought i felt the pain n pressures of life on you. It really puts transitioning girls like me on guard and to think about setting things in order before the changes...well i ve been thinkin about it and i feel each girls situation is unique and each of us like u say ought to take it at a time and move on...Really happy that you moved to MT and living better there without the abuses n others...and i m sure you will get ur breast augmentation and others on u in time. Hope is a good thing !! dont let go of it...i suggest you put out a advert online in someplaces for help with ur profile and attitude i m sure you will have the goodness showered on you !!

with love and kisses,

kavita

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Posted

Hi Cindy,

We all need to be courageous in order to fulfill our dreams in order to turn them into reality. Keep on going and do not let anyone get in your way. Always remain an optimist.

Love and Admiration,

ladianalisa

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Posted

Thank you for revealing some of the things you have gone through in a manner that is touching, to say the least. I really do not have the words to express what I mean.

I hope things get better for you.

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Hi Cindy,

I will not say that I enjoy reading your blog. What I mean is, I am not happy for what you have gone through. I know how it feels. Here I say I know because I also experienced those. It is very sad.

Please check me out: http://www.ladyboymirror.com

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Posted

Thank you for sharing your story...

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Posted

I think this is the most honest article i`ve yet read... thankyou for sharing .. xx

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