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Beginnings

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I'm not sure if I would call me lucky for knowing I was "different" from a very early age.

I started at the age of three. It happened one Spring morning in 1967 at the VOA daycare center my Mom would leave me at. Most of the other kids had gone outside to play in the early spring sunshine. I had stayed inside with this one girl, and we decided to play house.

In a moment of inspration she decided I should play the Mommy, and so I looked around and there was a life-sized doll in a pretty white taffeta dress with a petticoat and red lace trim.

I quickly undressed the doll and pulled the dress over my clothes. As I lowered the dress and smoothed out my skirts, I suddenly felt a warmth in my loins and an excitement I had never felt before!

I suddenly felt "right"

I felt complete and whole.

I felt like a great wrong had been corrected.

I felt a great tug on my right arm and I was yanked up to my feet by one of the voluteers.

I was instantly made to take the dress off, I was admonsished, smaked on my behind and made to stand in a corner.

I was left crying and confused, not knowing what I did was wrong (in their eyes).

The second time I knew I was "different" came about when I was 6, I used to play a game with my mother in the morning called "What are you today?"

Every morning she would wake me and ask me "What are you today" I usually picked animals and my Mom would play along as she dressed me for the day.

One morning she asked me "What are you today?"

I groggily replied "A Girl!" Nonplussed, my dear Mother played along, thinking it was harmless fun.

She pretended to brush my pretty hair and pick out my pretty panties and the frilly dress I would wear that day.

My mind reeled with happiness and joy! Once again, I felt "right". But it would be very short lived. As soon as it begun the fantasy was over. And so began a long and very heavy sadness and frustration for such a young child.

I couldn't even beging to describe my feelings to my parents (especially my Dad as you shall find out later dear readers).

A little background here, my father was missing for the first two years of my life after he robbed the safe at his job shortly after being promoted and ran off with another woman.

Why my mother took him back I will never understand.....

Well thats it for now, stay tuned as my life gets pretty messed up from this point.




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