Focus on You.
Wise words. God, I went to pieces last weekend. My entry, Gibberish, is just a scattering of desperate thoughts. I was in quite a mess but I coped.
I actually curled up in a ball, crying, and almost like a split personality, stroked my hair and told myself I was a good girl. That it was okay and I was fine. I'd done nothing wrong.
That poor German girl! If only she knew how much all that affected me! She of course did nothing wrong and knows nothing about it. We’re still chatting, I really like her. She has an unpretentious honesty that is adorable.
She also has competition from Gwen. Gwen and I have a lot in common and something about her just makes me want to hug her and never let go. We’re going out on a date next weekend.
I'm very conscious how close together all this is, and I’m working hard to keep my head in line: I need to focus on me. I can't just fall (or bounce) straight into another relationship, I need to listen to me and feel what I want and what I am.
Gwen’s only visiting her family for a week before going back to Amsterdam for a while. I figure there's no harm in a date: if it goes well, great. If not, no harm done. But it can't be about me needing someone, about me desperately wanting someone… Anyone in my life to make up for everything that's happened to me.
It has to be because I want it and because I feel ready for it. I have to focus on me and listen to my heart, not my neuroses and not the sad, crying child that lives inside me.
Last weekend, for the first time, that crying child didn't take over. Neither did I shut them out. I faced it and worked through it. I've never done that before, and I hope it points to a more positive way for me to cope.
Home life is awkward. My housemate and I are friends, but it's so awkward when you were together for 7 years. If it's still awkward in a month or so, we’ll probably move elsewhere separately.
I'm doing better at taking compliments as well. At actually believing when people say nice things to me that they might be telling the truth. That maybe I'm pretty enough to attract two sweet girls at once.
And so, my crazy dream continues.
Kaylee is a pansexual, trans-woman. She is pre-op and has been on hormones since June 2013. She is a size 14 gender/sexuality/sex/size advocate. Curvy, cute, bi and proud. She is a successful technology expert in the UK.