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Break? Wtf is that?


WarrenG

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My agony and enduring bull**** continues.

I had to park almost a mile away from work again today, because there were no parking spaces. Then listened to a fifteen minute speech from a manager about how I have no excuse, there is "always parking spaces".

Get into work on time, thankfully. And slam my hand into a door. Yay...

Move my rearend to the front line and start doing my job, and I accidentally drop a 50 pound box of canned goodes right on my foot. THANKS A LOT.

Limping around, I get the usual "are you okay baby girl?" "what happened to your foot, girl?" "Darling, what'd you do?" or my favorite (sarcasm) "Woman, you gotta stop hurting yourself."

GIRL. BABY GIRL. WOMAN. DONT ANY OF YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE KILLING ME!?

It was so hard not to punch someone right square in the jaw and scream in their faces before cackling like a maniac and running away. Oh how I envisioned this....

So after I faked my smiles and did my chores, I went on to do the rest of my job. But I noticed that everyone's looking at me funny. Everyone's whispering when I'm "not looking". What is this?

What's the big secret that no one is sharing?

I ignored it. For now.

But it was becoming maddening.

Lunch hour. FINALLY.

I made myself a wrap and threw random things in it, trying to stick to my diet and ignore all the other yummy looking food on the line.

Get down to the table, and someone SOMEWHERE (i dont know where) snickers "Whats up, queer?"

That's it. I'd had it. I'd finally broke. I turned right around, and walked out, and ate in the rain.

Well, TRIED to eat. The wrap I'd grabbed, the ONLY food I'd grabbed, tasted like crap.

By the time I hauled myself back inside, all the other food had already been cleaned up off the front line. No lunch for me I guess...

I'm at that "I really dont f***ing care anymore" mode.

Go back to work...my phone's dead. Great.

Continue to work, ignore the snickering and whispering around me, buzzing like wasps in my brain.

Pants keep falling down which is pissing me off. Shoelaces wont stay out of the way, boxers wont stay down below my f***ing belly.....it is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT my day.

I'm sore as hell from working out too much, I can barely lift a damn box, and I've got a constant headache for the past three weeks that now has decided to show its ugly face again.

Went to make some tea and dumped the lava hot water on my hand. Went to grab a bite of something to eat so I dont throw up, and some ***hole took it before I could grab it. Munching on crackers and I nearly choke on one. Go to take a drink of water and I accidentally swallow a piece of ice that nearly slit my throat all the way down.

FINALLY as the work day ended, I'm listening to my music in my headphones as I cleaned, thankfully I MIGHT leave actually on time today, when I get a message on my ipod.

(I roleplay online through my messenger with a friend sometimes to help with stress and give me something to do, usually medieval based)

Go to click to open it....nothing. Click it again.....nothing. Tear my whole freaking protective case off (because I JUST BOUGHT THIS ONE refurbished to replace my broken one) and guess what?

Break? Catch a break? HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! right.

My home button is broken for absolutely no f***ing reason at all, rending the WHOLE thing...absolutely freaking useless.

THANK YOU UNIVERSE, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Universe: You have a flat tire by the way.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Now if I could just get rid of this damn headache, I can maybe pass out. But NOOOOOOO.

We're out of tylenol.

Warren of War

8 Comments


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Oh, Warren, I'm so sorry to hear this. You don't deserve any of this crap, no one does. I think you said that you're going to have a therapist appointment soon. When? I hope it's soon. I'm sure you need someone to talk to. Can you call them tomorrow to try to expedite the meeting?

Emma

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Warren, as one who played the "game" with the therapist for >30 years, let me tell you, it ain't worth it. I automatically put on a happy face. It's hard for me not to. But look how much life and time that has cost me? I'm very lucky to be here now and I don't envy what your are going through at your age. Please take full advantage of whatever they offer. Don't BS them. You'll just be wasting your time and money, and slowing your progress.

It takes real courage to do this. I didn't have it. But look at what all you have done? You're awesome, Warren. Be courageous. I know you can.

But the time with therapists is short, typically 50 minutes. So you need to be organized. Consider outlining (on paper) your story and what you want from him/her. And bring copies for both of you.

Emma

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I wouldnt know where to start on paper, to be honest. And its not that I mean to "play the game". It's sort of become my automatic social defense. I dont want to break out of my shell sometimes, so I just put the mask on and bull**** everyone into thinking I really dont give a ****.

I dont want to waste my time and money (because I dont have much of them, to be honest) but me actually sitting down face to face with a total stranger and talking to them about all this is not going to go well.

I cant do physically being near someone for serious social interaction.

I get nervous and anxious just thinking about it.

Thanks for the compliment though,

Warren

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Hey Warren,

I know it's weird to open up to a stranger, so please be patient and let him/her help. They will ask you questions and try to get a conversation going. Try to just go with the flow. Imagine, their whole focus is on you for your time.

It will take a few meetings to break the ice, get to know each other, and see what you can do together. I am very impatient and want to "get it done," and I'll bet you will be too. Just try to let it happen at its own pace.

It's totally okay to tell them if you're frustrated, impatient, pissed, anything. You may be reluctant to do this at first, we all are. But remember what Emma told you. She's there with you, my friend.

Emma

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"I cant do physically being near someone for serious social interaction.

I get nervous and anxious just thinking about it." -Warren

Maybe it will be necessary to deal with this issue some, to pave the way for working on the gender identity issues....but work on it you should as Emma has indicated.

I also do not envy what you're going through... but then, we really don't have to - we all are going through it to some degree. And some have already been through it. However, I do envy that you have the chance to take this thing by the horns at your age - most of us didn't have that opportunity when we were your age.

-Mike

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