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No Big Deal

Emma

Entry posted by Emma

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A friend of mine's husband told her that his crossdressing is "no big deal." It bothered her because the phrase tended to dismiss her feelings; I understand and agree. I've often also thought of this phrase myself and thought it might be interesting to consider what it means to me. I'm not offering any solutions here, just food for thought and, perhaps, conversation with your partner.

By the way:

  • I'm using feminine pronouns for the husband, which is the polite/supportive thing to do for her;
  • My apologies to my FTM brethren as I'm only talking here about the husband being the transgender person.

Now with that behind us let's dig in! I'm first considering it from my perspective. (It's my blog, I get to choose who goes first. :rolleyes: ) When I think of my crossdressing as "no big deal" here's some my reasoning:

  • It's just clothes after all, at least in the privacy of our own home. Who cares if I'm dressing in feminine finery?
  • My therapists have also said that it shouldn't be a big deal.
  • I wish my wife could also treat it as no big deal because then I'd feel better about myself. As it is I feel like there is a winner and a loser, and we should both be able to win.
  • I am and will stay faithful to my wife and am confident that I will not stray no matter what.
  • I still am the person she fell in love with at my core. Shouldn't she feel happy that I'm "finding myself" and support me?

Okay fine, let's consider what might be going on in my wife's mind for whom it seems to be a Very Big Deal indeed.

  • She was socialized to be the pretty one in relationships and society, to wear feminine clothing and be feminine. If I'm feminine too, where does that leave her? Should she now consider herself to be a lesbian?
  • I think it's known that cisgender women may judge each other pretty harshly at times, and "their man" may be a proxy for her success as a woman. What does it mean if he crossdresses (privately or not)? Is it because of some failing of the wife's?
  • Although we know that gender orientation isn't correlated or the same as sexual orientation, my wife is still concerned that in the euphoria of the moment (aka "Pink Fog") I might be tempted to experiment.
  • Who's to say that I might so enjoy crossdressing that I find myself inexorably drawn to Gender Affirmation hormones and/or surgery?
  • How will this affect our sex life? Will we even have a sex life going forward? And if not, why should I accept that?
  • If our marriage/relationship needs to dissolve, how will I explain this to my family and friends?

Oh my goodness: the scale is leaning so heavily toward my wife. Maybe I'm just being negative. I am sure there are missing points in both my and my wife's sections. Please feel free to post your thoughts on all this.

Regardless of whether you agree with what I wrote or not I think it always comes down to communication between ourselves and our partners. Easy for me to say but I think my wife and I are making some progress. Yeah!

I wish you a safe New Years celebration and a thoroughly wonderful and fulfilling 2015,

Emma

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ComedianSalemDjembe

I agree with you both- communication is paramount to the success of a loving relationship."

While a valid and valuable argument to the positive, there is much to be said about a promise made should be a promise kept and when one of the marital parties throws in something that the other was not expecting (I am assuming, not knowing) then the blindsided party is naturally more likely to have some very distinct feelings of violation, or hurt, and maybe even fel like it is a direct assault on their own cisgen femininity.

Marriage is a gift that people give to each other. I mean lets face it, someone trusts you enough to get naked in frnt of you, to strip down to their deepest darkest secrets.. not just once like an emotional hit and run but every day. If they trust you to be there for them and trust that you will love them unconditionally, then you must be willing to tust as eqully that right from the start, you are acceptable to them as well, in all your secrets and nakedness. (general speak-you=all and anyone) And before one springs a surprise like someting they never new about or bargained for like cross dressing, you should be willing to unveil your secrets as well. Communication has to start from the start.

If I was married, and what I presumed to be our life together was suddnely disrupted by something like "Happy fifth anniversary, and Oh by the way, I have a fourteen year old that I never told you about" or "Hi honey, I got the groceries, milk was on sale, two for one.. I got your favorite ice cream, and by the way, I had an addadicktome in my late thirties and thats why you can't get prenant now, which shelf did you say you want me to put the butter on?" yeah that just doesn't work. Comunication is key but for a marriage to thrive and be healthy, both parties have to communicate from the start.

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Emma

Hi Salem,

I agree with you of course. Still, I tried to communicate openly from the very start, and my fiance (at that time) wasn't able to listen to my disclosures. We both buried them as best we could but learned over time that despite our best efforts my deepest secret raised its head over and over again and would not be put down.

In hindsight it seems so obvious now. But we all live and learn. Fortunately, both my wife and myself are much wiser now, almost twenty years later, and we are trying to navigate this together.

But to your point I wish we'd had a mentor like you way back when.

Emma

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