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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!

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  1. Latest Entry

    As I write, I often find talking points for future blogs. In such, many of my blogs may seem cyclic and reiterate what has already been said with some variance or a deviation that explores other areas in a said topic. 

    It occurs to me that much of my struggle has been accepting the perception of others, that is, what they see, and my own self at the core, what is. I have never thought this to be gender dysphoria until I heard the term. 

    In the great rainbow of frequencies, there is colors. I'm big on colors, it makes it easy to feel. To express a gender it would be a soft pastel blue, an aqua. The softness is feminine. It reminds me of the ocean, islands, crashing waves, cool breezes, a small fishing village perhaps. I often think of intensity on the color scale towards more darker colors as masculine. Like a navy blue has a different feel to it. I think this is much the same as ones inner self. How you choose to express that is mirrored into reality. The more you express that, the stronger it comes through. 

    Sometimes I look at cisgender females and really question where the lady is because they may look female, but their color says different. Some but not all. 

    I have often found that when I have expressed the deeper shades, how this comes off to others. It is not aligned with my core. While the masculine seems more direct and operating in different ways, the feminine seems to spread out and saturate. It is subtle but both create change. I think the for transgender people is to align this core with how society sees you. If you work from the inside out, I think the effects are much more apparent. For me, there is no rush. I want to sort through my thoughts. With my specific case, I am doing this for inner peace, not turmoil. That's important. Ultimately, I am unique and if I can't accept that uniqueness, and color within, I can't expect others to. To resonate and bathe the world with that feeling is highest good.

    I never bothered to correct those who called me ma'am most times. Now it makes sense. Im not really outspoken like that, which has to do with color and how things resonate or sound. 

    Often in my mind, when I see two crowns, I have to put down one to pick up the other. Thats choice. Only you can make that choice. The crown is the power and how your using it has to do with YOU. The world has enough bad catty queens and kings. So be a good one.. An authentic one. Don't just trade one mask for another.

  2. It is often said "The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain, For promis'd joy!" Robert Burns definitely had his stuff together. To be sure, there was always the possibility that I would get myself into a coffin corner by confronting and acknowledging who and what I am and the things that I have done. Suffice to say, if Bin Laden is dead, what the Hell am I doing here? Justice seems to be a terrible marksman.

    It's all relative as we know from Einstiens great theory, and that being said, my little battle with Dysphoria comes to an end with me being the victor. Having to face myself and be honest with myself I find that there is one inevitable truth to what knowledge and experience you have all shared with me. I cannot go down this path anymore. That an organism should pay attention to what nature is telling it. This is one organism that finally has a little clarity in its existence and will be damned if it doesn't take advantage of this gift. When your haunted, you stay haunted.

    Dealing with my Dysphoria has brought me to the following assertions. It cannot work for me. It is but a mirage that the dying man sees in the desert. I have lived my life for so long without the proper set of emotions for dealing with the world that I long to live in. Emotions just mess me up. Being happy scares the bejesus out of me. The world is a much more understandable and accpetable place for me when every Human interaction is pre-measured, pre-calculated, pre-diagnosed.  I make a much better machine, far better actually, than a human being. So I am just going to stop this evolution of self discovery. There was a chance that it might have led to revelation of a decent Human being. That's why the call it a chance. It doesn't pan out that way.

    I belong to a species that debates who and why someone should be able to use a bathroom. This is the same species that has hurled objects beyond the Heliosphere, the same species that kills children in the name of a ficticious deity. So there's that. I get the science stuff. I DO NOT get the humanity stuff. Possibly because I was never supposed too?

    In anycase, I will keep this short. I am amazed at what it's like to have emotions. I have been given a fleeting "taste" of that life and I kind of enjoyed it. It's also a bit like trying to make a gasoline engine run on diesel fuel. Bad mojo happens.

    I am told that an organism has the right to happiness in life. This is untrue. An organism has the right to exist, nothing more. What the organism makes of that opportunity is up to the organism. I think people do have the right to seek happiness, and I encourage them to give it they're best shot. I call myself an organism because that is what best describes me. I certainly do not consider myself Human. I forfeit that the day I choose a profession that led me to killing innocent children for politcal motive. Being alive makes me a hypocrite. Being a father makes me a hypocrite. Being a Husband makes me a hypocrite.

    I am pretty sure that I am going insane, if I am not already there. But I can tell you one thing, for a person to tell me I am entitled to seek happiness? That's INSANE! I have been told to seek "professional" help. That's funny! :) I'm not the one that gets interrogated. I do the interrogating! There isn't a shrink in the sink I can't burn down! GO NAVY! :)

    I am going to take my leave of you. Sort of like the people used to do in the olden days, when they were bitten by a rabid animal. I must put myself where I cannnot harm anyone else, since I've already done enough of that. I just want to thank you for making my life somewhat "less" painless for a few years. :) Now it is back to the grind. Fair winds & following seas Travelers, you will always have a friend in me.

    Veronica Virga. Front Range Colorado. 12:06 PM OCT 17, 2016 C.E.


  3. Latest Entry

    In the thread, The Ladder, Monica expressed her desire to read the entire poem from which I took four lines to use in a post in that thread.

    The poem doesn't flow very well - I just hammered out enough words at the time in an attempt to rid myself of the hurt I was feeling at the time.  I might have been trying to write thru tears in the middle third of the poem.  It wasn't until the last four lines that I was able to bring it all into some kind of statement --


  4. This morning I came across this wonderful post on Joanna Santos' blog: I know we don't typically reference sites off of TGG but I feel this is important.

    There, she posts a video that really resonated with me, that labels such as gay, male, white, transgender, etc., may set us up for "us vs. them" feelings, thus leading to isolation and our considering ourselves only within that label, which is only a part of our overall self. 

    I've recently been thinking, okay I am transgender but that is not all that I am. But it kind of felt that way. Worse, I fear my wife feels this way, too. It's as if my being trans is the only thing now. And neither of us want that.

    In the video the person (can't recall his name) makes the point that if we say "I have gender dysphoria" that we can more naturally consider things like:

    1. How will I accept, manage, and live with my gender dysphoria?
    2. What does gender dysphoria mean for me in the context of my total life?

    I think that is healthy to consider. I recently came out to a couple of our friends as transgender. They were okay with it at least to my face but now I think I may return to them and refine myself as "I'm me, with gender dysphoria." I mean, who cares what the label is? I'm simply working on ways to manage my dysphoria (which is undeniable) and be happy as a total person, with my wife, friends, and doing whatever it is that we do. 

  5. Latest Entry

    It's funny that I found a way with coping with difficult times through collecting dice and playing Dungeons and Dragons. As a kid I wasn't allowed. It was Satanic and Demonic and possibly Communist too. But today I have a growing collection of dice. I play D&D fairly regularly and it's a great way to destress. With all the new work and ongoing financial issues I've started taking photos (as I always do) of my dice and writing little stories around them. It's resonated quite a bit with folks in the D&D community, I figured I should share it with my trans family too <3

    This is Nimue. My kindest dice. She's good to my players and my players like her, she's fair but doesn't spoil players.

    This is King Lear. Lear is a bit of a goof. When anything is built by Lear things won't turn out all that great. Victories are cheap. Losses are extensive.

    Tartarus and Gaia. Gaia makes, Tartarus destroys. This is a bad way of putting it, they're more of a competing force. Whichever one makes the other will undo. Whichever the one undoes the other will reinstate. They're an odd pair.

    Lock, Shock, and Barrel (Nightmare before Christmas reference). These are my damage dice. They're cruel and good at what they do.

    This is the majestic Queen Morgan. She doesn't care. She rolls high. I call her my cheat dice. She will obliterate her opponent. I don't use her often, it's really unfair to my players.

    Shaggy and Scooby. I guess every person has dice like these. These two don't do very well. They don't do very badly. As I've written elsewhere, when they're involved everything goes wrong. Everything breaks. Bad guys do stupid things. Players are rewarded with their own shoes. Epic battles turn into dance-offs. Storm the Castle becomes “Run Away” (Monty Python voice).

    This was just a response to a bunch of folks who posted pics of their rainbow dice. There isn't a coherent story here apart from the blue one I call Sting because he always rolls 4 and the purple one is Bullet because they always hit their target.

    Aaah... the Twins. Yea. When I bring these out I always say "Beware the Twins". Nothing good happens here. Nothing. All is misery when the Twins are involved. I haven't quite settled on a name for them: "Scilla and Charibdys" works, but they weren't exactly twins. "Tweedledee and Tweedledum" works for the twin reference, but they're far more cruel. "Fred and George" / "Castor and Pollux" have the same problem. I considered "The Grady Sisters" from the Twins in the Shining, but they weren't given individual names as far as I know.

    Anyway, this was my bit of frivolity to share with you today. I hope you have a good day.



    Ps. This is my current set I use every time I D&D. I have a wider set, but these are my favourites. They seem to take on a personality of their own and make my words so much more interesting. Except the twins. I generally keep them out of play. You'll see them slightly scooched over. Shaggy and Scooby aren't in this photo because I rarely use them.


  6. I keep seeing in group after group a demand to reject labels.  And I can't support it. 

    History has made me really wary of this idea.  In Europe, most people couldn't read.  It wasn't just the expense of books, it was a choice by their leaders that they should not.  And the spread of literacy across Europe did indeed change everything, and directly influenced the various revolutions.  In America, very few slaves were allowed to learn to read and write, only those that their masters deemed required to know to do the work that the masters didn't want to.  And were punished if they shared.  Illiteracy is a chain.  They didn't understand why it worked the way it did back then I'm pretty sure.  One doesn't have to know why a thing works to apply the knowledge, the observance of a result to pattern is enough to make it a behavior that is socially taught to our children.

    It works because there is a correlation between words and thought.  Literally, the more words you have, the deeper you can form your thoughts around anything.  This in no way implies that those with very limited vocabularies are in any way stupid, there are several factors that determine true intelligence, but if you had two brains with identical iq's (the ability to learn knowledge) and identical abilities to apply that knowledge, but a vast difference in the amount of words each was exposed to and learned, the one with more will be very much further ahead in terms of the complexity of the mental work.  It's how our brains work.  The more words we learn, the more concepts we have.  And because our brains are processors, that means the  more new concepts we can get to because we aren't working out the base concepts to have the thoughts.  It doesn't matter the language, the more words a speaker knows in his or her actual language the more she can do mentally.   This concept that people who don't speak english in our country are too stupid is idiotic.  That is an entirely separate brain issue. 

    So labels are concepts.  Where my life experience has led me to conclude we get into trouble with them isn't their existance, but how we use them.  They are a thing.  A label is a word with a specific ascribed complex meaning.  Organic - both a word in scientific terms, and a also a label to the health conscious counter with a related but separate meaning for example. (Which is also how it gets financially abused, when some marketers use one term to mean the other, example no hormones or anything but seed fed to the chicken, and the buyer conflates the meanings to be the ethical organic free range, which the marketer KNOWS and hides that free range is not this chicken's life).  Anything can be abused. 

    Labels can be abused on a mass or micro basis.  There are well known ones that send everyone into an instant rage.  I don't need to cite examples.  Their entire intended meaning is to cause harm to a group or individual.  However, that is not the inherent use of labels.  The inherent use is to convey complex meanings quickly, so that you can get on with the deeper concept you are trying to convey. 

    I think socially we have gotten away from communication and real literacy(exposure to a great many written words, there are now literally people who have a great deal of trouble communicating in non-'leet' speak for example).  We have started to demonize it, villify it, and abandon it.  I have seen people who can only type in 'leet' openly mocking the literate on an almost daily basis now for not understanding the world and being part of the 'advancement and change'.  And this movement to reject these things is a mistake.  These are the things that help us make the great leaps, help narrow the gap between the upper and lower classes, and help provide the famed American 'social mobility'.  Which is absolutely dying, we are slowly moving back to a 'lord and peasant' reality financially and socially.  And a big part of that is someone introduced this counter culture anti-word movement.  I don't know if it was done in all earnest good motivation at the start.  Look at the harm of the n word for example!  And these other ones!  Labels are bad!    And as I said, some are.  And some that are used every day that aren't culturally horrifying are also, like stupid(look at case studies of the damage it does to children being raised constantly told how stupid they are), ugly(there's a reason plastic surgery is a HUGE moneymaker), fat (think how harmful this is to our young people who are average size and weight and how often this leads to severe eating disorders).  Now, realize that kind, smart, generous, motivated, helpful, etc. are all also labels.  Transman or transwoman is a label, just like the tword. 

    Label's aren't bad.  It's what we DO with the labels that matter.  Accepting new labels and meanings is also critical to our knowledge and progress as a society.  Example - I often seen the statement "We need to do away with the gender binary and create a society in which all genders are acknowledged and respected'.  This requires words for all those genders.  People can't acknowledge or respect what they don't understand or conceptualize. 

    We need to expand our lingual base.  We need to stop being afraid of words, and start taking responsibility for the use of them.  Does the label political correctness mean anything to anyone reading this post?  Really think about what it means.  It's a way to sneer at having manners.  To sneer at treating people with respect.  Example: requiring people to say learning disabled instead of retarded.  One has a degree of respect and lack of insult the other doesn't.  African American instead of black.  African american has a connotation of a person who is of african ethical/cultural descent.  Black has a very complicated, often dehumanizing history.  I don't need to highlight the Transperson vs. xxx, but same effect.  When did treating people with basic respect and decency get reduced to a sneering 'have to be all politically correct now'?  When the majority solidarity in how to treat others started to disintegrate.  When I as a white, cis citizen tell someone who thinks any of the ethnical or social minorities in my country are not human that they are beneath me knowing and horrible people.  IT's a way out of the responsibility of their behavior to others, by trying to put the blame on me for expecting them to treat other human beings like...human beings.

    We need more labels, and we need the understanding of what they are, and that a label does NOT limit our growth ever unless we let them, either personal or social, it's a building block to the next growth.  We need to increase our understanding of how words affect the human brain and psychology.  Language is not just a convenience, it literally effects brain development just as brain development effects language, ti's symbiotic.  Look at the studies done on feral human children found who were raised without contact or language.  Every culture in the world has a language, right down to the most isolated pockets of people in the Amazon who are largely unaware of what the rest of us are doing.  It's an important part in our development.  It terrifies me to realize how common, and how insidious, this call to voluntarily restrict our own thinking and expression is becoming.  If a label makes people uncomfortable, we need to define why.  Some individual labels DO need to be put away.  But a great many more need to lead to a set of new ones to give greater cultural understanding to the complexity of the human condition and increase awareness of those conditions so they can be recognized and normalized into our society.

    This is why I will never agree with the people who say we need to do away with labels.  I feel we need to embrace them, understand them, and use them to reach greater heights in science, math, art, social equality, and technological advancements.

    Embrace new words.  Embrace new thinking.  Be aware of the effect of your words on others, and their words on you. 

  7. I've just spent a week away from home, working. Early starts: late finishes. Not so much sleep over the past few days but it was a good week, nevertheless. 

    I've spent the last few evenings in the company of my team mates and my manager. It was the first time we had all managed to get together like that for a couple of years. And it was great to see their initial reactions to my appearance were positive. It was great to experience their total acceptance of who I am first-hand, in the flesh, because while we've all interacted over the phone many times, that was the first time I've been in their presence since I began to transition. 

    I'm lucky to work with people like that. I'm also lucky to work for the company that I work for. The acceptance is almost universal. Over the course of this week, I met many of the other employees and had to introduce myself and talk to them; the vast majority were strangers to me before this week. Not one person looked at me oddly when I gave them my name. Not one person avoided me when they realised I was transgender. Everyone behaved impeccably towards me.

    This week has boosted my confidence and self-esteem enormously. 

    Peace and love to everyone.

  8. Latest Entry

    Why is everyone that is not my doc (family that is ) worried about what is or not between my legs or if i have GRS .  it is really  not any of their concern .......ugh   , i came out to you to let you know who am not to try and control my life or my journey ............

  9. The following is an article that a friend sent me, with which I really resonate with.

    "Wondering what relationship stage you're in right now?  Here are the nine relationship stages that all couples go through, not how love starts."

    "Relationships are unique.  No one experiences love in the same way."

    "You may have been in several relationships in your life, and every relationship is unique.  But there are a few traits that are in common with every relationship."

    "Relationships, just like life, have their own stages.  It starts off with infatuation/limerence and goes through several stages.  These stages are like tests that check your compatibility with each other.  Go wrong anywhere along the way, and your relationship will take the brunt of the fall."

    "Have you ever met a couple who seemed like they were going to stay together forever, but ended up breaking up a few years later?  Perhaps, in all probability, they went wrong in one of these stages of the relationship."

    "Are you in a new relationship?  Or are you in a seasoned relationship with someone you've been with for several years?  It doesn't matter how long your relationship lasted because all relationships will fit in one of these relationship stages."

    "Find your own relationship stage here, and it'll definitely help you understand your own love life better."

    "Stage #1  THE INFATUATION STAGE.  This is the first stage in every relationship.  It almost always starts with an intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to be with each other.  Both of you may be intensely sexually attracted to each other, or both of you may just love the cuddles and each other's company.  In this stage, both of you overlook any flaws of each other and only focus on the good sides."

    "Stage #2  THE UNDERSTANDING STAGE.  In this stage, both of you start getting to know each other better.  You have long conversations with your partner that stretches late into the night, and everything about your partner interests and fascinates you.  You talk about each other's families, ex's, likes and dislikes and other innocents secrets, and life seems so beautiful and romantic."

    "Stage #3  THE STAGE OF DISTURBANCES.  This stage usually forces its way into a happy romance after a few months of blissful courting.  Do you remember the first fight or angry disagreement you and your partner had?  For the first time ever in the relationship, both of you confront each other over a conflict, even thought it's sorted out quickly."

    "Stage #4  THE OPINION MAKER.  In this stage, both of you create opinions about each other.  As the months pass by, both of you know what to expect from each other, and you make an assumption about your partner's commitment towards the relationship."

    "When these opinions and expectations about your partner differ now and then in real life, it can either leave you ecstatic OR depressed."

    "You don't expect your mate to buy you flowers, but they do.  You feel ecstatic.  At the same time, you expect them to pick you up from the airport on time.  But they arrive an hour later because they forgot all about picking you up.  It depresses you."

    "Stage #5  THE MOLDING STAGE.  You have your own expectations from an ideal partner.  And in this stage, both of you try hard to mold each other to fit your own wants in a perfect partner.  This stage is a lot about give and take, and both partners constantly try to subtly convince each other to change their behavior towards the relationship.  This can be a power struggle, and one that can end the relationship if both partners are domineering."

    "Stage #6  THE HAPPY STAGE.  If the relationship survives past the MOLDING STAGE, both of you may have changed equally for each other and understood each other's expectations.  In this stage, the relationship cruises along perfectly and both of you may be blissfully happy with each other."

    "Almost always, this is the stage when both of you feel like an ideal match.  You may even decide to get engaged or get married.  This happy stage is also the stage of attachment when both of you truly feel connected to each other and love each other intensely."

    "Stage #7  THE STAGE OF DOUBTS.  It has been several years since both of you have been in a relationship with each other.  And somewhere along the way, doubts start to creep in.  The intensity of the doubts depend on how happy both of you are in the relationship."

    "You start to think of your past relationships, your ex's, and other prospective partners.  You tie your happiness in life with your relationship.  If you're unhappy, you blame it on the relationship."

    "In this stage, you start comparing your relationship with other couples and other relationships.  Would your relationship survive this stage?  It definitely could, as long as your relationship isn't monotonous and repetitive."

    "Stage #8  THE SEXUAL EXPLORATION OR BUST STAGE.  This is the stage when your sex life starts to play a pivotal role.  Both your sex drives may change or one of you may get disinterested in sex."

    "In this stage, you either give up on passionate sex or constantly look for ways to make sex more exciting.  If sexual interests start differing here, one of you may end up having an affair.  But on the other hand, if you find creative ways to make sex more exciting, your relationship could get better and bring both of you a lot closer."

    "Stage #9  THE STAGE OF COMPLETE TRUST.  This is the happy stage when both of you love each other and trust each other completely.  But at the same time, the unbreakable trust in each other could also turn into taking each other for granted."

    "In this stage, both of you know the direction of the relationship and both of you are completely happy with each other and find it easy to predict each other's behavior and decisions.  But with stability in love comes the urge to take each other for granted."

    "As pleasant as this final stage of love may be, it's still no excuse to take each other lightly or stop appreciating each other, because love is an intense emotion that can be rekindled by anyone else at any time if you fail to express your romance to your lover."

    "If you're in a relationship for a while, you may have experienced all OR most of these relationship stages.  And if you're still in a young love, don't let the dark side of these relationship stages scare you."

    "Instead, look at these nine relationship stages as stepping stones into a better future, one that's filled with a lot of love and happiness, just as long as both of you remember to keep love alive all the time."

    ---  Denise S.

    And, now, I would love to hear from you, my fellow TGGuide members, whether or not you resonate with this article, or which parts you do and which parts you do not resonate with.

    Your friend,




  10. With no disrespect I’ve been noticing the more I’m with cross-dressers that two things (at least from my experience in the last several years) is, the majority of cross-dressers will not transition so they are part-timers only and that they never attempt to mask their voice to female mode and one reason I believe for the voice aspect is they only do to trans-friendly establishments.

    Keeping with voice, I’ve only met three post-op transgender and I’m astonished to find they don’t attempt to change their voice what-so-ever. Sure they are many transgender people that do this, myself included as this fills the package but for the life of me don’t understand when asked why they don’t the common response is “I’m happy just like this” but at the same time get frustrated when they are addressed as “he” which I’ve personally heard when out with two of them. I tell them, if you expected to live your life as a female one must put some effort into the voice else people will not treat you as female and let’s put another thing into this, if you don’t fully pass facially but sound female you will for the most part be treated as a female while fully passing physically and sounding masculine most time you will not pass but believe you have because most people will treat you that way only so to be polite.

    In the end it’s their life and their decisions made in regards to a voice will either make life roll along smoothly or create pot holes.

  11. My FFS surgery is scheduled for 12/2. My full-time date at work is 12/19. I am still part-time, but dress almost all of the time, except work. I have been on HRT for almost 17 months and filling in nicely.

    My name change order came through. I was going to change my license but have been sick the last few days. With work, I haven't gotten to it. But that is next as well as my SS Card. Then my passport.

    More disclosures. What I am finding is that everyone is accepting at first, but after the shock wears off, not everyone is. So I am plowing ahead past my surgery and full-time date. It's like I am racing before anyone tries to get in my way or gives me a lot of grief over it. So a lot of people know ... but there are many more who I still want to tell. This is such an emotional thing for me. That it is hard to be objective about it. I am finding that the closest of family members and friends are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with it.

    I have been working with HR to update the policy and come up with a communications plan to the company and customers. Not everyone knows yet, just management, task leads and HR. But everyone will find out in November.

    I have support group tomorrow and I am trying to organize my thoughts. So much has happened these last two months.

    Love to all,


  12. Latest Entry

    Hi everyone, hope you guys have been well with me not here and that some soul who needed it was helped.


    Let me see how the story format go and here is the last few weeks with the biopsy and how I was doing for the time till now.


    Ooooh, my sister got her car back today, so I should probably have my car serviced


    Biopsy Done & Dusted


    Feelings While Unknown

    Date: 2016-08-16


    I was taken in and first weight, making me feel uncomfortable at the thought that someone else is seeing my weight and if I gained weight and I didn’t know about it, what can I say.  Also feeling more like I should eat, but yes fasting doesn’t work that much for me the foodie.


    Nurses at this hospital which is open less than a year or around that time, are professional and full of smiles.  The one sees my lip gloss on and thinks it’s a lipstick.  Not at all and here they all start doing their faces, because apparently I can’t be the only person that is looking good at the hospital.


    Fear strikes me more as hunger makes me think of all the crap that can go wrong.  First thing first, what if this is positive and I am told chemo, well we found something else.  Or the weirdest one of all, what the..................................................  and total silence.


    I went with thought into my gown and thought that if I don’t calm down as in now, my stats might make me wait longer to have the operation done to remove this lump.  So I calmed down by watching tv, chatting to everyone around me and then the inevitable happened my surgery schedule was announced as changed.  Thinking what is wrong, as I was told, I realize that they were discussing that the child had eaten and needed to wait a few more minutes which made me think that I am closer to food if and when this happen so don’t look nervous or anything.


    Went into the surgery theatre and was told the painful part was over and I asked what the doc was talking about only to find that he already had the drip on my arm.  Hahahahahahaaaaa, I don’t feel needles unless the idiot that does the drip line isn’t good at it, I will feel the needle as I look at them.  And asleep I am....


    Woke up a while later, the first thing I do is take of the hair net, and make my hair right, second thing I do that was astounding was with a smile I asked if I can eat now, I’ve been waiting on food for the whole day already.  The medical staff just laughed and started chatting to me as they told me that I am still on the surgery floor, not back on the ward floor.  Somehow it was weird that I woke up with a smile and was perky.



    Feeling relief that you know the thing is out that was making you sick and now the stressful part starts waiting on biopsies and getting in the doctor’s office for the follow up.  But relieved that the operation was a success and I would only be in pain from the surgery wound and nothing else.  Hoping for the blue moon and the sparkling oceans to stay calm too.


    Date: 2016-08-22


    Enter the doc’s office and I know what is going to happen, take off your clothes and let me examine you.  Therefore I dressed accordingly to make it easier to strip, yes like a strip dancer.


    Does his examination as we do the pleasantries as to make me feel less uncomfortable to having a man next to me while naked.   And in the conversation he says, wound looks good and results negative.


    What did you just say???  No Chemotherapy for me, and no hair loss, and no losing weight and explaining that I am sick and treating cancer.


    Go home with a smile on my face and finding a doc I can trust in the mean time, okay so not all men are pigs as doctors.


    Lots of love and hugs to boot from me.  Because little old confused me was kissed and I think I forgot how to kiss back, but after the initial shock I just let it happen and this was as in last night.  I’m getting to old for this crap, but I should probably allow a younger guy to show me what he got or not.  I can almost call myself A-sexual or anti sexual to the world.




    Ps:  I was told on Wednesday 2016-08-24 that I am a model standing outside with a friend and this cute guy walks by.  Ooooh validating isn’t it, if his eyes is only fixed on me and not my friend.  And Thursday 2016-08-25 that another guy stopped me to chat with me and just blurted out for which modelling agency you working because you belong in the high fashion magazines and cat walks of fashion shows. I just laughed and said that I love the work that I do, but thank you for the complement.

  13. Latest Entry

    Hi all,

    So today was my top surgery! I had it done by Dr. Jeffrey Rockmore - I can't say enough about him, his staff, and the St. Peter's Surgery Center in Albany. Everyone was incredibly friendly, helpful and supportive, and the results seem really good! (they are still wrapped, and swollen, so I can't say for sure yet).

    My friend Bryana went with me - we only met in January but she's quickly become such a good friend, and so graciously and enthusiastically took the trip with me (about 2.5 hours drive each way, and about a 2 hour wait while I had surgery). She did so much to relieve the anxiety I was feeling!

    There isn't really any pain, just discomfort (I'm on percocet, but after my shoulder surgery last year there was still massive pain even with that).

    Overall I feel even happier about this than I had expected, I feel like I took a huge step towards truly being who I want and need to be 😀

    I'll follow-up again as the swelling subsides!





  14. Latest Entry

    Anyone miss me? Yeah, me either. You havent missed much but I figured I'd post an entry just so people dont think I died or something. Not sure if I'm even relevant anymore but, yeah.

    So here's an update.

    No surgery. No responses from insurance, no responses from GLAAD or any of the LGBTQ+ Advocates for NH nor anyone else I wrote to. No one seems to give a flip and that doesnt really surprise me...

    I'm still dealing with the MPD stuff, all eight of the obnoxious whiners -,_,- My life in a nutshell.

    I still dont have the money saved up. I barely have 600$ saved up and my hours got cut for the summer season. I work the bar and get tips but guess how much I got in tips tonight after 8 hours in a hot bar? .....$0.50...

    Last week? $1.00

    My surgery is going no where and my thyroid problem has gotten more annoying. Normally people are on 50mg, I'm on 260mg and it hasnt helped at all and my levels havent balanced out. I dont get it...

    I'm back on my Youtube channel though I feel like no one watches it anyway.

    Anyhow, here's links to the Youtube and the facebook group page. If you feel like it, go stare at my randomness and maybe poke a few buttons.

    Button poking is fun.









    Met a fellow LGBTQ+ person when I went to an Orlando Vigil in NH (vid on my channel), and he was awesome and helped me feel better about myself.

  15. Ace

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    Hi this is Ace.  I am looking for FTM or MTF friends in Rochester NY.  Many of my friends have dumped me or moved west (the dumping due to my FTM status.  I need friends in Rochester NY who will understand me and be good friends.  I am alone alot although I am married long story).  Please check me out.  Thanks



  16.    Who doesn't love a hand full of skittles every now and then? No, I'm not going to go into any commentary on candy at this time, though. My subject is actually about love in diversity, namely the LGBT community and more specifically the pride flag. Although this site is geared more toward Trans...(fill in the blank) and our flag is a flag of different colors my intention isn't really about colors. The rainbow has been used as a significant symbol throughout our world's history. In the 16th century, during the German Peasant's War the rainbow flag was used to symbolize a new era, hope and social change. The rainbow flag represent the city of Cusco in Peru. It represents Buddhism, In the 1920's it represented the International cooperative Movement, which stood Unity in diversity and in 2001 it became a logo for the I.C.M., placed in the middle of white background. Each color representing different meanings: 

    • Red - Courage
    • Orange- visions of Possibilities
    • Yellow - The challenge that Green has kindled..
    • Green - A challenge to strive for growth
    • Sky Blue - A goal to achieve global unity 
    • Dark blue - Helping those less fortunate
    • Violet - Warmth, beauty and friendship  

    In 1961 the rainbow flag stood for Peace. Then in 1978 Gay Pride!

         Yup the good ol' rainbow flag in unity and love. The colors have traveled around the world to arrive in this day and time as a symbol of hope and an expression of courage . It has been told that in various countries that gay men signaled others by the wearing of a specific color. In England they wore green carnation, in Australia the color was yellow, usually in the form of socks. At one time, somewhere, the color was purple, as in "Purple Power". During the holocaust a pink (gay) or black (lesbian) triangle was used for the prisoners. Now brought together in the form of a flag that not only represents rights but also pride. 

         As the story goes that the original rainbow was created by the Hebrew/Christian God as symbol of a promise with love. Now please don't take me as a hater when I say that it should be returned to be just that, a promise with love or in love. I don't mean in love with your partner, but in love with each other as a whole. This world needs to learn to love one another. Across the oceans and across the land. The rainbow flag needs to be spread over the globe not only in the homosexual community, but in all community, all cultures,(or sub cultures) in all society. Remove all labels and just as the colors of the flag came from around the world let it now fly around the world in love and unity in diversity.  

  17. Latest Entry

    So I have to move out my apartment due to breaking up with my ex. Which is great! it's great because though we get along and we will always be friends, we need different things from our partners that neither of us are going to get. I am packing all my junk, and realizing I have way too much. As I pack though I found tons of pictures of me from what I call the dark ages. The Dark ages were the period of time after high school but before college, a whole six years for me, in which I went back into the closet and suffered a period of self harm and also a mental break down. I survived through a period of sever depression that I didn't even realize I was going though until I was lying on my bed with a butcher knife. I realized how dark I'd gotten I vowed to never ever let it get that bad ever again. 

    I feel like if I don't share this part of my life than I'm not being straight with people when I say life gets better. This part of my life that led me to who I am today. This time of my life that made me realize that nothing matters if you can't find that happiness in yourself. That there is nothing selfish in transitioning, but its wicked selfish to kill yourself. I say that because of the potential each of us has that is wasted when cut short. I know the insanity of fear and the desperation that comes along with it. I also know that taking your own life in your hands can be the most powerful and freeing feeling in the world and there has never been any grater feeling in my life than that gift. It was a gift I earned by staying alive despite the pain along the way.

    As I Sit in my bedroom packing all of my belongings, trying to breathe as this cold ravages me, I cannot help but be excited for the road ahead of me. I am terrified and yet so emboldened by the fear that I have this duplicitous euphoria. Today is May 27, 2016 and I am Benjamin Crowley twenty five nearly twenty six year old black transgender man living in the United States at time feels terrifying and electric at the same time.


    Terrifying because as I grow older race, which had never been a problem for me and mine, is becoming an odd affront to society. Actions that others take for granted I never previously would have thought were racially motivated have become a stark raw truth to be being black in America. I feel nervous as I transition that people will interpret me differently because of the projection of my identity into a public spotlight. This however is at the back of my mind as I sort through my things.

    At the fore front is the power held in the words, “I am enough.”

    I am enough. Similar words blazed though my head four years ago nearly to this day as I worked a warehouse job slaving into the night earning more money than I knew what to do with. I had no kids no titles and no self-worth. I had let others dictate to me what my future held and in the stagnant space between their idolization of the hardworking young black woman whom earned her keep I found myself in a great state of melancholy.

    What does it mean when you have everything you could materialistically want and are still unhappy?

    I weighed 150 lbs. and had kinky over processed blond hair, a nice body and a sad smile. I hated myself. The person they all knew, who wore punk make up and listened to green day… she was a lie. She was only happy when it rained, hated bras and wore heels in a defiant streak of masochism.  It wasn’t until she faced self-demolition did she realize that what everyone though she was wasn’t her at all.

    In fact she wasn’t even a she. Never in her head did she see herself as a ‘She’. In her head her self-reference was always ‘I’ and when it ventured to the dangerous gendered lands of pronouns she, realized, had always been a he. So where was she now? Hiding in conformity because she was scared of losing everything she had. But she was already loosing…

    This path she was one would never make her happy. So he cut off all his hair. Stopped wearing make-up and heels. Stopped bleaching his hair. Stopped starving himself to be pretty and started loving himself a bit more every day.

    Started college. Manically picked out masculine clothes. Introduced himself as Ben. Learned self-love and proudly thinks, “I am enough.”


    Thank you everyone again for you viewership.

  18. Hi !
    It's been a while since back logging on to tgguide community forums! I had two reasons for not logging on regular basis!  

    Firstly I lost access to my tablet due to battery failure and I just bought it on new year's!
    Secondly I thought I was the only transgender person in a mega city as I reside in! But after my 4 years of hardcore transitions on or off, I have found a exact replica of my cross dressers to transgender community meeting every Monday in my area of residence!

    To my delight I have witnessed over 200 transgender community people similar to (me ) or diverse range of groups attempting cross dressing to living as either females or males, yes (we, feel like I am a contributor) have female to male individuals eg, # of 3-5 at least etc!  

    It's a very interesting community as myself have been a member of tgguide as a last resort to deal with similar issues yet online only. Only when someone as Monica attempts to unify the best of us by holding (telephone) conference calls was a pleasure.
    But of course, meeting in person way off on another scale.

    I knew somewhere in my back of mind there was a community but didn't find it.  But now it has been my 4 th month of weekly meetings where government sponsored sexual consent focus groups to online dating seminars to take place,  you name it they got it!

    I hope to promote my YouTube channel for all members of transgender community not only cross dressers! Few that's a big scope. Visit Shazy Jeo on YouTube.

    Well I better start getting down making videos ciao

  19. Leo Tyler

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    It's been 8 months since I have been on HRT, and I am feeling great. It's amazing how smooth my process has been. I am a senior in high school and I already have my name and gender marker changed legally and I am living my life authentically, I am extremely proud of how far I have come in just 2 years. I have opened so many people's minds about my community and I have been given so many opportunities so represent my community. I can't wait to experience more!


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    I would like to dress as a female, but can not because I live in a all male shelter. But I do wear female panties under my male underwear all the time every day.

  20. So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender.

    I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though.

    I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'.

    This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that.

    I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool.

    So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone :)

    p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D

  21. Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. 

    I miss my cat.

    I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name.

    I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. 

    I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. 

    Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face.

    Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

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    Joined this site a few days ago after many years of fantasizing wondering what it would be like to explore what i was really feeling inside. Did some deep soul searching and realized that to feel complete, i have to explore and sort through my emotions. I have been supressing and fighting my true feelings. I am on a fact finding mission. This is the first i am expressing any of these feelings. It feels good talking about this.

  22. Trans Workers UK is a Facebook closed group that advances Trans rights in the UK workplace, I'm a member of the group and regularly advice is sought and given by trans workers on most aspects of being trans at work. However by far the most numerous postings are for trans who are still "in the closet" as far as work is concerned, who are wanting advice from those of us who are fully out in the workplace and in life. Most of these folk have come up against the societally conditioned old barrier, that they'll be ridiculed, or lose their jobs and workmates, this is by far the biggest hurdle that we have to overcome, it's our pre-judice, based on experience in society at large. Most don't realise that it's 2016 & not 1975 anymore, and that attitudes have moved on.

    Anyway I posted my recent experience to help them overcome their fears;

    "Last week my employer (a County Council) sent me on a Fire Risk Assessors course, with a view to my carrying out Fire Risk Assessments for the Council's properties. This sort of fits in with my existing role as a H&S Advisor. Anyway I was kinda nervous about attending the course which was held at the Firefighting College in Moreton in the Marsh. I had imagined it as being a very male orientated place, and half expected to be stared at or have the occassional joke or wise crack made at my expense. I couldn't have been more wrong, I was pleasantly surprised to find that doors were held open for me by smiling young firefighters, who were also very polite. I thought wow, if anyone had told me 3 years ago that I'd be wearing knee high boots, treggings, leopard print top, make-up and attending as a woman at the firefighters college, I'd have said "yeah, in your dreams". But there I was doing it. So to all who are contemplating gender change at work, but think it's impossible, think again, I've done it, it's so much easier than you might think. No, as a male I was not a small built effeminate man, I was a 100 kg 5'10" bloke with wide shoulders and narrow waist, and yeah, I thought it impossible to do what I've done, and yet here I am as Eve, my true self. I hope that this helps to inspire others to to do what they really want and not hang about wasteing time, I regret not doing what I did much earlier in my life. Good Luck to you all xx".



  23. I came home with this blog post in mind, thinking about it the whole way. But while I sit here and stare at my bright screen in a dark room, I some how second guess my motives. Either it to vent my emotions, or either it is to educate others. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I'm posting this briefly before I lay myself down to rest from work, having just gotten home and showered as quickly as I could before the routines of others came into play and prevented me from brushing my teeth. Again.


    The topic I want to drag into the open once more today, though I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it, is Multiple Personality Disorder.

    It not only baffles and infuriates me to no end but it also greatly saddens me that anyone of sound mind would assume, even for a second, that this disorder is a matter of fiction. That the mere aspect of having Multiple personalities within your mind is simply a play at gaining attention or affection. The sheer fact of how challenging and frustrating it can be, and often is, completely confuses me when I hear others telling their friends how Multiple Personality disorder is a made up disease by people who crave attention. Much to the assumption that being transgender is only for attention, I suppose. I'd like to put a few things down that have very recently plagued me for the past month...

    I wish it was only for attention. I greatly do. Because if it were for the simple reward of attention, I could merely shut it off whenever it suited me and forget about it completely until I felt lonely enough to gain more attention from it. People hardly ever realize how difficult life can be when you're juggling your daily routine around several other opinions in your head. Something as simple as remember to eat breakfast can be a daunting task, as you may be just about to eat but another personality takes front instead, skipping the meal or not feeling hungry; and by the time you return...half the day may have gone by. Or perhaps you're a victim of 'triggers' that can easily upset other alts and send you into an episode of emotions and hallucinations. Perhaps you're driving your vehicle at 65mph on the interstate and your child alt decides that he wants to try driving like the adults do. This could spell instant disaster for not only yourself and your 'headmates' but for anyone else on the road as well.

    Any spare thought you have to yourself could easily be shared with your group without you giving permission for such. Any idea you have can easily be stolen from your thought, and taken by another. You may be neck deep in a task that you rather enjoy, when suddenly you're six hours away and your hobby is no longer in your hands. You wander and look for it, wondering where it's been placed. When you ask others, they'll simply ask you "Where did you have it last?"

    Well, that's simple. I had it in my hands. Six hours ago...But then they may go on to discribe that you didnt seem to worried about it five minutes ago. But they also do not realize that the body moved, the mouth spoke, the lungs let you breathe and the eyes let you see. But they did so for someone else. Your own body betrayed you and allowed someone else to misplace your things, change your channels, change your style. But its not even your own body, now is it? No, you share it. As daunting of a task as it is to share your personal things and to have to hand over possessions that you love dearly, you must also remember never to alter your physical share it. It's not yours. Not really.


    Anything you do must be discussed in a group format, if possible, so as not to upset someone else that you literally must listen to for the rest of your life. Every minute is shared, every secret is spoiled. Any memory you wish to keep sacred and to yourself, you must spend extra energy to keep guarded. By the time you have your most precious memories guarded safely away from the prying eyes of others within your mind---you've far too little energy to even bother fronting at all. You may drift off for the day, for a week...for a month perhaps. Everything requires energy, and you must not share that too. 

    Your most intimate share. Your most secret share. Your most tragic share. Nothing is yours anymore.

    Sometimes even, you will discover your secrets have been shared with someone without your permission, and only because that alt had been clumsy enough to not delete his text messages...

    If you make a private account on a computer, a place to call your own and to try and hide away from the other voices that constantly ask you questions or bicker about when one should be allowed to color while the other wishes to watch television...dont forget. You share everything. That password you thought was your own? No, no..they often see those. Although you dont look at the keyboard, your mind remembers the placement and the letters and therefore; the words. The password is not yours anymore.


    Being a Shepard Alt is just as difficult and I implore everyone with DID or MPD to please appreciate the chaos that your Shepard must endure. They must be the ones to dictate who may come and go and when they may do it. When one may color while the other watches his television show, while juggling who will be able to go to work tonight and do a good job; all the while balancing out when your host may have private time of his own with his boyfriend. While doing all that, you must try to not play favorites else it makes the other alts jealous and therefore rebellious. And nothing is more frustrating than a rebellious personality who, by the way, also has control of your limbs.

    This is why it confuses me.

    Why the idea of this disorder being simply for attention is such a drastic blast of false assumptions that it makes my head spin. Well...our...head spin. Mental disorders and diseases take so much of your life away, that you hardly seem to realize you're even living anymore. It takes up so much of your time, that a year can go by and you regret not doing anything productive with it. Your job may be in danger of termination every time you decide to relax and let another take your place, as mine is in now. Unknown to me, jobs have not been done properly. This was brought to my attention tonight when I was informed that my duties are being limited during the summer, and my boss is doing everything she can to keep me from being terminated from too few hours given. Bless her, I know she is trying to make sure I stay employed. But she also is not aware of the personalities that I try so desperately to keep within my head. Fact is...she does not even know I exist. Simply that I am speaking in my host's stead, but she will only know me as him.


    And so we come to another piece of the never ending puzzle.

    Being invisible. No one will know you if you are not the host. Not really. You may never walk to a crowd and hear your name spoken first, or at all. You may not even see your name on paper unless written in secret by your own hand. You may or may not ever have the opportunity at physical affection or intimacy, as these are usually things that the Host keeps for themselves. If this is different for you, please understand that you must appreciate this. Not every alt has this opportunity. 

    Take every opportunity as a blessing, in fact.

    Some of us may simply be a manager, and never a person.



    Please be kind to Multiple Personalities....we are many, we are important, and we are often but shadows in your bright world.