Our community blogs
So, I need a little advice. But first I want to apologize if I annoy you guys or have fallen away from my "help others" phase and just been stuck in my "fml" stage. I dont mean to
Anyway, this is about my boyfriends mother. We live with her and her family, none of which really support me or go along with my name change or anything because its my way of "attention seeking" apparently. But her constantly calling me Kristy and lately, lady, miss, girl, chick, all of which you can tell she is doing simply to upset me, is really starting to upset me. It's getting worse, and it totally messes with my dysphoria and depression and self harm. Which, apparently, is also for attention. According to her. She's even gone as far as to tell my neighbor while talking to her to NOT call me Warren because it is NOT my name and not to "feed into her need for drama".
I guess my question is....this has gone on for about 6 months? Should I just put my foot down and damn the consequences and flat out tell her MY NAME IS NOT KRISTY and tell her I'll ignore what she says unless she calls me ren or warren? Or should I just ignore it...? If she wants to throw me out, I wont be homeless. My neighbor already told me her house is there if it ever came down to it, and I'll always have a place to stay. But I'm just so......SO F***ING sick of being dragged back into my feminine name and past by her.
Forward, this may very well be boring too some so be forewarned,
I am having a so-so morning, it's hot, in the nineties and have enough of watching television so what's there to do? I should wash and style my hair but it's too hot but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for blood work to see if my hormone levels are correct.
So I decide to see if my stylist shop has time to wash, condition and straighten my hair and figure there will be a wait but as luck has it they have time. I knew going in that my regular stylist does not work on weekends so it would be someone else.
Never had the lady assigned to me done my hair. Told her what I wanted and off to getting my hair washed. After she washed my hair she recommended a deep conditioner which I said okay. Then off to drying and styling my hair.
Well everyone knows that in a hair salon woman chat right. So I am with a new stylist I am finding it difficult to discuss things i.e. when we got on the topic of my regular stylist leaving I said it's sad she came here from down South for a man and things fell through. She starts talking about online dating with men, me, what do I say without telling her I use to be male and then think, she probably figured it out already but avoid talking about me a a male dating woman.
Next we start talking about if I wanted my bangs cut and for whatever reason I have a memory surface about my ex-wife screwing up her bangs and want to tell the stylist and thought "oh hell" I will tell her. She I said I have a story to tell but need to reveal something first. I was male. She kepted on drying my hair for about thirty or more seconds and looks at me and says "no", "really". But you are so girly how can that be? I said that for a long time it was hard for me to feel I was female but after hearing replies such as your's I am not doubting it anymore.
Now most of the time I can't see what she is doing to my hair and finally do. I said, how did you do that? She said "your hair lead me in this direction". It's subtle but I thought "hey it looks like Stevie Nicks" as seen in this photograph. I always like this style and never could get it. So I asked her how did you do that again and she showed me. So hopefully I can do this next time I wash my hair.
She then cut my bangs followed by showing my the back of my head to see my hair and says "you can't see it all as it's longer than can be seen in the mirror". I just adore the work she did and very satisfied.
So I expected this to cost around 25-30 dollars but was charged 19 dollars, oh my God I could not believe it especially since she spent over an hour with me.
Came home, looked in the mirror and all I could do was smile ear to ear. Have to say this has turned out to be a fabulous day.
Closing out, two things I thoroughly believe are so much of a boost to one's self-esteem is spending time at a nail salon and the second is spending time at a hair salon.
Saturday 27th June was a nice day, after getting in the weekly supermarket shopping in the morning, I asked my wife what she wanted to do, as usual she said things that she thought I wanted to do, so I said no what do YOU want to do? She wanted to go to see the rose garden at Coughton Court, this about 10 miles or so from where we live in a little village called Kings Coughton. The Court is a National Trust site (sort of stately home and gardens open to the public and owned by the Trust), and it's main reason for fame is that co-conspirators of Guy Fawkes lived there centuries ago when they hatched the gunpowder plot to overthrow parliament.
It was quite a sunny and warm day so I dressed accordingly and took lots of photo's with my i-phone, my wife took one of my with my phone too, see below, anyway the place was very busy and at times children were told to move out of the ladies way, this made me feel good inside, it really lets me know that I do pass as female when out and about, however I have to be careful about what I wear to hide masculine shoulders and lack of hips, but the very lightweight coat is almost a cardigan, and so thankfully I didn't get too hot, and didn't get strange looks from people thinking why is she wearing a coat! Any way we finished the visit off with an ice cream (strawberry for me and salted caramel for my wife). we then returned home and rested before we had friends around for the evening.
My friends are all trans, two of them (a couple) are post op and the other pre-op as am I, well we all had a great evening, I had cooked coq au vin which seemed to be enjoyed by all, I also introduced them to Aperol Sprtitzers (3 parts Prosecco, 2 parts Aperol, 1 part soda water with lots of Ice and a slice of orange), these were definately enjoyed along with all the rest of the drinks consumed into the small hours of the morning.
Down side is that I am now feeling a little "empty headed" as I type this blog entry, but I look back at the week just passed and reflect on how happy I am with it, Monday at ChX GIC with the changes in my hormone treatments and Finasteride, Wednesday with my once every 12 weeks Decapeptyl injection, and yesterday's day out and an evening in with great friends.
The photo's are me being dwarfed by a massive potted flower display outside the rear doors to Coughton Court, and me with one of my friends Louise in our kitchen.
I hope that you all have happy times too, it'd be nice to hear of them.
Well, i'm now "out" to everyone. An email went out to the entire faculty and staff at the school where I work about my transition. Enough people already knew, so I was getting used to being called Christie, in emails and face to face (though introducing myself as such still feels a little weird).
My recent outward transitioning was driven by internal feelings, but now I think it's time to look inward again. The outward things were necessary, but it drew me away from looking inside. Fortunately I have the next week off from work, so I have some time to absorb and process things.
that includes HRT. I'm now in a position that if I decide it's time, I can do it. I'm not saying there's a rush to decide, but now I have new "information" to process. I'be spoken with an endocrinologist about it, which made the idea more concrete (and made me happy), and I think my therapist is prepared to write a letter for me if I say i'm ready (I think she has a preference to talk a little more about a couple of things, and I agree, but I think she would write it if I asked).
Well, time to get to it! Right after a nap (I was up too early today)
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
The two most popular "free" dating websites are OkCupid ("OkC") and Plenty of Fish ("PoF"), with feedback from people preferring PoF over OkC because PoF has a higher number of members. Remember, you are PAYING for the so-called "free" websites by giving them your private information (check their terms of usage) and they accept advertising that usually shows up on sidebars and above and below their content.
Be aware that when you "delete" your profile, often it is not removed. Be prepared to CALL customer service to ask for it to be removed, and ask them to remove it while you are on the phone with them. Many dating websites maintain so-called "dead" profiles to artificially inflate their membership numbers. "Free" dating websites usually do not have telephone customer service.
Dating websites tend to favor those who are physically attractive and have high income levels. Some who don't photograph well or who have lower incomes may do better at meetups or gender conferences.
Be aware when you upload pictures that they will FILL UP the viewer's screen, showing every little detail. If possible, have a friend take multiple pictures of you doing the things you enjoy, in a variety of clothing, making sure there is at least one good head, waist high and full body shot.
Be wary of scammers. Do NOT send money under ANY circumstances!
Do not be discouraged when you get few replies, because there are many "dead" profiles from people who thought they deleted them, but they weren't.
Focus on profiles that are featured under, "New Members This Week," "New Members Near You," "Who's On IM (Instant Messaging)," and "Who's Online." These are most likely "live" profiles of current members.
Take the time to carefully READ the profile of the member you are responding to, and to write a PERSONALIZED (not canned!) response.
If you are transgender, you need to mention this in your profile and replies.
THINGS NOT TO DISCUSS AND TO AVOID:
Do not share your income (not even checking your "income bracket").
Do not mention any kind of disability (not even checking off "disability").
Do not mention anything NEGATIVE. Avoid "Too Much Information" ("TMI"). When you meet, you will have plenty of time to share details.
Be aware users can look up your profile on OTHER dating websites based on your photographs and by quoting contents of your profile.
Be honest. You hurt others and yourself because you want to attract others who will like you for you, not for someone you are pretending to be.
Do not discuss your work. This includes pictures of you at work and in uniform.
Do not include pictures of others (especially children!), with or without permission.
Do not upload photographs of your home(s), property, cars or of yourself wearing expensive jewelry, etc.
Remember, it behooves you to learn all you can about Internet dating, because one out of five couples meet through internet dating websites.
Suggest trying PoF and OkC for six months, and, if no success, try paid websites.
Have found making friends with partnered couples, because, for some reason, they tend to know well put together singles. Let them know you are looking!
http://www.TGPersonals.com (Free, and found wonderful friends there!). For men and women.
http://www.PinkWink.com (Great deal for $39.95 a YEAR, excellent customer service, and, best of all, VERY trans-friendly!). Lesbians only.
http://www.lastinglesbianlove.com (Blog and although written for Lesbians only, great advice for anyone). VERY trans-friendly!
http://www.youhaulher.com (Again, blog and although written for Lesbians only, great advice for anyone).
Wishing the best for all those who seek love, that they may find it!
I'm sorry I've been missing for so long. I spend the last few weeks hiding away. It's been really bad. I suppose it's really where transgender exposure in the news reveals it's two-edged sword. It's great because visibility is important, and getting transgender people visible is one of the few ways we can represent ourselves and tell our own stories in a public way. Unfortunately the terrible people swarm to the forefront too.
In the media, so too at home.
It's become a daily thing now where I have to end a friendship because a person refuses to acknowledge me as agender, people who insist on calling me a man, people who make gender essencialist comments, people who refer to my genitals even though they (for a fact) don't know what's between my legs, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Yesterday I had the misfortune of running into a genuine creep at a art exhibition opening. A guy I've been asked to be nice to because his boyfriend (a mutual friend in our social circle) is a very sensitive guy and he doesn't need his creepy boyfriend criticized. I feel at this point that I have to point out that the worst transphobia I've ever experienced comes from white gay cisgender men.
I guess having my one friend with me at the exhibition was the saving grace. I was really struggling to get my bearings that day. I was struggling to form basic sentences. Stress and severe exhaustion has this effect on me (although I can only imagine it does for everyone). And the joke is that feminism and transfeminism is my trade. It's what I do for a living. I write about this issue daily. But yesterday I felt like I had no access to any of my work, additionally running into this terrible creep made everything I know feel invalid. I also think he saw that and honed in on me.
He started with Caitlyn Jenner, which is a convenient excuse for the transphobic it seems. He argued that if *he* [Jenner] committed a crime, would the DNA be male or female. I answered that transgender women have female DNA that just happen to have X and Y Chromosomes. He argued that legally this made *him* [Jenner] male. I got tired really quickly. I think it's because I do this every day, I deal with transphobes every day, that my reaction to transphobia, transmisogyny, gender essentialism, etc has become physiological. My feet go numb. My back hurts. I said, in retrospect, that I wish I had spat in this man's face. His every comment was punctuated in expressed misgendering and leading questions. I physically turned my back on him. Please note that the *nice* boyfriend who's creepy boyfriend we're coddling for his sake is standing there, saying nothing.
I forcibly ignore the creep while he hones in on my friend who came with me to the exhibition. The creep was making sexist and misogynist remarks about how women follow double standards, they want beauty but they want to be respected. He argued that sexism in STEM fields doesn't exist and he quoted the National Review (a profoundly racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic conservative website) to 'prove' his point. He kept on ranting about how ugly the Kardashian women are and how useless they are. He kept on ranting about extremist leftist liberals. All while sensitive boyfriend who we're all protecting watches without comment.
My friend popped his comments with a single comment, "I think we need a matriarchy." It really caught this creep off guard. At about this time some of the university kids were playing around with a bottle of pepper spray. I'm not sure if they did it because they were genuinely messing around or if they were also annoyed with the creep, but it ended the conversation immediately.
I asked my friend if we could go and we did.
I feel like I could have done better. As I said, I wish, in retrospect, that I had spat in the creep's face. I wish I hadn't withered the way I did and that I took hold of my knowledge about these subjects and taken out that creep and put his sexist and transmisogynistic ass in it's place. I feel some vindication in that at least while I was stomping blood into my right foot to regain feeling that I had my back turned to the creep.
I don't really have a conclusion. I feel like every story should have one. So I guess I'll offer two. The first as an open ended question: does bigoted abuse result in physical pain and discomfort for you folk the way it does for me? Secondly, why the hell do I feel like a failure for not being able to put this idiot in his place?
Love and Cookies
BECOMING US (ABC Family) STORY LINE (From IMDB) In this unscripted drama, a teenager named Ben learns to live with his dad becoming a woman. The series will follow Ben, his family and his friends as they support one another through this unexpected journey and navigate their new world with Charlie now living as Carly.
I'd like to know if anyone who has lived something of this experience has seen Becoming Us? I just want to know if this is like reality, or some fabricated show that spreads untrue stereotypes to people who are unfamiliar with the trans narrative.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to see the show yet (I am Canadian, so I can't watch it on the website, and can't find an external link) - but wanted an opinion, other than vile comments I've seen on their advertising, from people who can relate to this show.
I really never expected this.
When I first started out in this journey I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like in the end. I didn't care if people always saw me as a man who wants to be a woman. At least I would be honest. At least I was being me. I could finally let go of the pain of lying and projecting myself as male that I held onto for so long like some kind of comfort blanket... made of rabid raccoons - That kept me safe... in an emotionally scarring sort of way.
For a long time that was the truth. Some days were better than others in the beginning. Some days I felt I passed and other days I felt like people could see right through my wig and my makeup for the drag queen that I was. As time went on and the hormones took their toll on my face and body I actually started to feel less passable. It felt awkward but at least it still felt right. Looking back on it, the looks everybody gave me probably weren't them saying to themselves, "what a freak," like I thought they were - it was probably them being genuinely curious about my gender.
Looking back on a journal entry from early in my transition I remember myself stating that I wasn't sure about going all the way - that being androgynous would be enough. Funny that when I finally made it there it felt so wrong. Fear is a strong thing and I think that was my way of coping with the fact that I might not have been able to look like a woman - coupled with the fact that for a while I wasn't able to unsee my male self when I looked in the mirror. When people looked at me funny, curious about my existence, I just wanted them to see me as another girl in the street. My hair had gotten long enough (and thick enough) and I was so sick of the uncomfortable wigs that I stopped wearing them. I started to look not really one gender, not yet the other.
Recently I was beginning to notice that the attention was waning. Something in me started to panic. Maybe it's because I had gotten used to people's stares, I'd gotten used to room full of people who would take turns staring at me until it seemed like everyone had done it at least once. I didn't even realize that people stopped looking because they no longer register me as anything other than... female.
Wrapping my head around this is a little weird! Maybe it's because I thought it would never happen and for a while my inferiority complex (still lingering from trying to live as a man) wouldn't let me believe that I was being seen as a woman. The only time looks linger now is because they think I'm cute! The smiles people give me aren't sinister - they're genuine. New people don't do the double-take that they once did when I walked up to them. Chatting in a cafe just today when I brought up anything trans related my friend would lean in and whisper as though no one else in the coffee shop needed to know. It was our little secret and she looked so excited for me!
Now I need to decide what to do with this. Two years ago I told myself that I would move out of town, change my name and start a new life if I was ever able to go stealth. But with all the support and new friends I've made I can see that was a decision made purely out of fear. I've already decided that being passable is going to work a lot to my advantage but in my career and in my life I really want to get into trans support and trans rights. Why vanish when I could do much more by being visible? Apparently being passable is helpful in that regard and while I don't think that's right on society's part I want to do what I can to change the general public's viewpoint. Somehow. Slowly, surely.
Let's see what happens now.
My dosage of Estradiol has been increased. I am looking forward to the changes that come with that. So far I've noticed the following changes:
- Overall, I am much more calm and patient. Though, because I haven't transitioned yet and feel kind of trapped I get impatient and angry.
- I am much more focused. More than I have been my whole life!
- Overall, I sleep much better at night. I can sleep 12, 13, 14 hours straight if I really need it. I was totally unable to do that before. Though, lately I have woken up in the middle of the night anxious (like I used to). I have brief periods of fear and anxiety that I am going to lose everything and everyone due to transition.
- My sex drive is less. Actually, when I started HRT, the first four weeks, my sex drive dropped to zero, but has bounced back. Still lower.
- Physically, the only thing I've noticed is some shrinkage below and my breasts are swollen and a little sore if I press on the nipple.
- My appetite is about the same but I get the munchies much less, which has been the killer for me!
Hopefully, not TMI. But I wanted to share. I've only been on HRT for two months, but have noticed changes. Mentally, it has been dramatic. Physically, not as much. I would imagine with the increase in estrogen, the pace of change will pick up.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer. All of us went through the phase of exploration. Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to. Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times. And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.
NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS
I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.
If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all. We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era. I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him. He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent. But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know. And that's why we have each other. We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.
So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings. Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age. I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up. I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad. And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.
Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself. Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society. Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out. That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister. I think he understood because of his Native American heritage. My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.
My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us. Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence. But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.
I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life. Free to explore if my heart so desires. Free to be the women I have always been. I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.
Now, I hear the question coming from all corners. If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early? Well, answer is easy, his five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change. Another question looming, must be... If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother? Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times. None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child. But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.
She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years. I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world. Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!
Now who know me better then me.
When I was a boy much like many of you I did all the usual things, riding skateboards, bikes, hanging with my elementary school friends etc.
My home life at this time was pretty odd, my father was a car nut and that was all he cared about when he wasn't working. All his free time and free money went into a host of cars. We as his family never knew from day to day what type or kind of car he'd come home in. So it didn't take me long to to search outside my own yard for companions. My mother and grand mother were always together at my grandmothers house watching their soaps and couldn't care less where I was or what I was into, so directly behind my grandmothers house was another house just on the other side of the driveway, this house was home to a mother, father and five girls. I can't even remember their names now save for a couple of them, but none the less. I became friends with them and hung out in their yard playing everything from dolls to making mud pies, then the house next to theirs was directly behind my house and a young girl lived there named Tammy. She and I became best friends quickly, the other girls that I played with next door were older and more interested in boys their own age, but yet remained friendly to me, but as far as playmates and companions they were not. Now Tammy and I had a unique friendship. I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old when we met. Her father and mother were strange people and fiercely overprotective of her and with good reason, she was gorgeous even as a young woman. I think she was 10 or 12 when we met. Now her father would not allow her to come into my yard or vice-versa. So we had to opt to play together through a woven wire fence where we'd spend our summers days sitting Indian style talking and playing, I'd put my hand through the fence and pass her hot wheel cars and I'd lie on my stomach in the dirt to hold her dolls upright so that we could play barbie dolls and this made her so happy and we had a lot of fun. What interests me is looking back I was always outside in my white fruit of the loom underwear and nothing more and I always remember her as being neatly dressed and groomed.
Even to this day I think back and remember how my mother, grandmother etc; whomever was "babysitting" me always made me change into my undies before going out to play so that it'd make my school clothes last longer, but then again that was in the 1970's. Things were different, it was a different time. During all these summers I never ever pictured her as a sexual creature, it was all so innocent, then one day a family moved in two doors down from us.This is as they say is were the plot thickens....
- Read more...
- 0 comments
I woke up this morning feeling like this picture... so much of me and not sure how to spread myself so that i'm not defeated. first of all, i love life. i am finally enjoying being the person i've always been. and not afraid to live it. there is so much in the world that stirs me crazy, but one thing that will always stand strong and stand out - I'm a transgender human with lots of love for family, friends, and new people.
I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life.
People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them.
I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo.
I just updated my status and tried to be funny about something that I take very seriously. Which is funny in itself because how can it be serious and funny at the same time? I was saying that I just had a close call because for a second there, I thought I was going sane. I am SO GLAD that I am not going sane. It would be the death of me. I don't know how I could exist that way. It confirms for me that my transition isn't what I expected it to be. Sanity would be the road of convincing myself that I can spend the last age of my existence doing just the opposite of what EVERYONE always says everyone else should do.
We are told that to be happy in life, one must do what makes them happy. I must admit, above all things, the one thing that does make me truly happy is also very simple. I like to create. I like art. I like to draw. I like color. I like painting. I like pastels. I like to write. I like to dream. Happiness for me is all around me. To quote Devo "It's a beautiful World".
I am glad that this is the time that I am living in. Two of my all time most inspirational Human beings are Arthur C. Clarke and Hedy Lamarr. One because they taught me that "heavenly" is talking about a place that is so much more than just a place were God hangs out. The other because it's perfectly cool to look that good and still have the mind to invent space diversity reception and frequency hopping communications.
Someday, I hope I can look as good as Hedy did. I will probably never be as smart as her Someday, I hope I can publish a book that will inspire a child to lift up they're eyes and dream, like Arthur did.
I may be channeling Hedy right now. I don't know. What I do know is that to me, "sane" means "ordinary". I NEVER want to be that. I want to be with the insane crowd. Besides, looking at Hedy's Wiki profile picture reminds me of someone else I know. She goes by the name of Veronica. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear we both had our profile pictures taken by the same photographer.
A couple or three months ago, I discovered a new channel in my cable channel line-up, and in doing so, spotted "Starsky and Hutch" in the primetime programming. I hadn't seen it since it went off the air, though I did see the 2004 movie. I've been watching the 1975-79 show since then, enjoying the action, and seeing things I never saw before.
I watched "S&H" religiously. I even remembered that the show, at least for a while, came on on Wednesdays. So why wasn't I able to sit back and watch the show and think to myself on occasion, "oh yeahhhh... I remember this episode!" It was like I was seeing each episode for the first time night after night. After about two weeks, I started googling stuff about the show - something you couldn't do back in 1975.
How can someone who was such a fan, remember only the characters? Oh, and the opening theme song. I also liked that big cannon of a .357 Magnum that Hutch used. And I remember that brown and white cardigan that Starsky wore on occasion. I even had a similar cardigan. I loved that cardigan. However, show after show, I failed to recognize any of the episodes. Every so often, it seemed like a memory was about to be triggered. And eventually, there was a scene in one episode that I thought I remembered. Or maybe I just convinced myself that I remembered because it got to the point that I felt like I had to remember. I should remember. I didn't even remember the touchy-feely-makes-you-wonder-if-they're-gay-lovers-but-they're-always-after-the-girls kinda characters.
After a couple more weeks of watching "S&H" reruns, and still not recognizing any of the episodes, I started wondering why. Yes, I liked Hutch's gun - I had a toy gun similar to his when I was a kid. And I liked Starsky's cardigan. Did I mention that I really like that cardigan? And that sweater I had made me sorta feel like Starsky. Then it hit me - I couldn't remember the show itself because of Starsky - I wished I was Detective David Starsky. With that .357 Magnum (instead of Hutch). That's why I can't really remember any of the episodes. When I watched the show each week, I apparently "stepped into the TV," pretending to be Starksy. I was the cop that got into shoot-outs, wild chases in that slick lookin' Torino, always lost out on the pretty girls to my partner. Hutch was annoying like that.
Now that I'm older, and have found different ways to be me...I can sit back and watch "S&H" for the first time. But I guess somewhere deep down, I still sorta wish I was Starsky...
While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.
Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.
Am I really a girl deep inside?
Am I just having a gender identifying crises?
Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?
Or am I just going crazy?
Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..
And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?
Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:
1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.
2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.
3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)
4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.
5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".
Reason I am a girl:
1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.
2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.
3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)
4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing
6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.
7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.
8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.
9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.
AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED.
I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..
It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.
It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..
But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..
I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.
But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.
And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..
But Yet they keep coming up..
I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?
I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.
I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.
I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?
Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.
Have a great day
Wow So much has happened in the last year (since 5/1/2014) the day first saw my therapist and she said those fateful words “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” I’d never heard those words before. But those words that have turned my world upside down. No actually they have turned my world upside right, but have turner everyone else’s upside down.
So here’s what has happen since I heard those words
On May 31st came out to my wife
Sometime in July, finally said I might be transgender.
August 29th went to my first Trans Support Group
August 30th came out to my health coach
October said that I am transgender
November 2nd came out to my colorist
November 10th met a trans friend
November 17th came out to my doctor
November 17th started wearing nothing but women’s clothes every day
About November 20th stopped having migraines
November 19th came out to my nail girl
December 3rd came out to my massage therapist
December 3rd through January 31st came out to about 25 sales women
About January 1st stopped taking all medications, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants
January 10th saw new therapist
January 11th got fitted for my first bra
January 31st told 2 women at blood bank
About February 1st totally accepted and even embraced the fact I am transgender.
February 2nd came out to friend in Texas (1st guy)
February 18th told my new doctor
January 28th told 2 more women at blood bank
March 16th came out to my cousin
March 28th came out to my daughters
March 28th through April 30 came out to 10 other sales women
April 22nd met a new friend and she totally accepts me for me
April 25th came out to my best friend (2nd guy)
So now today I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate the fact I am transgender. In fact I love me for who and what am, and that’s a transgender woman.
On the day you I firs heard “you may be transgender” and there was a magic pill I could take to make me not be trans, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.
3 months ago I am not sure I what would have done. Today I am not taking it and there’s no way you can force it down my throat.
I used to look at it as a curse, but now see it as a blessing. I would not want to be not trans because I would not just lose part of me, I would lose me.
I am so much a peace with who and what I am I have not taken any numbing medications(sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants ) in over 4 months and have only had 1 migraine in 5 last months. I think that’s really awesome. It’s not that I feel better than I ever have it that I feel alive for the first time.
So today I say I am transgender,
YES I AM PROUD TO BE TRANSGENDER!!
“oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
PS by the way the translation “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
for me is "of course you not a sick disgusting pervert" which is what I thought for most of the first 55 year of my life" So in essence those words have freed me from my self made prison I spent my whole life in.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
I wrote a book - The Definition of Normal by E S Carpenter - because I studied psychology and learned that there is a ton of educational / psychology proof that TG / TV / CD people and their admirers are NORMAL! And I am very tired of the social beating these groups get, from the so called 'normal people'.
These lifestyles, along with LGBT have existed since humans have existed, and it is about time someone explain the educational information available, so the non-educators can learn. Seems almost all LGBT / TG / TV / CD education material is in Peer Review Journal Articles - not readily accessible to the general public. I have no idea why our wonderful higher educational system does not gladly offer access to this information - but that is a discussion for another day.
I studied the information in the book. The pschological facts are accurate. Yes, they are woven inside a love story. ...Believe it or not, for the reasons the character 'Lorraine' gives in the book: Most people can't process formal operational thought (theory only). SO I wrote a concrete operational love story around the information, so more people would access.
The book is free on Amazon to read. See how 'NORMAL'. Then let's talk if you want?
I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh>
As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply.
Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other.
I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it.
I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks.
She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end.
She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want.
About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out.
When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too.
So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters.
I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain.
See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past.
Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!
Greetings, all ... <img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif"/></a>
I've been <i>into</i> the "blog scene" around the WWW for (only) the past couple of years ...
Most recently via my <a href="http://transgenderdate.com/viewuser.php?id=203163"><b><u><font color = "00FF00">(Link to) TGD "Adonii" profile</font></b></u></a>
Just "discovered" TGG this evening ... and am ready to check out this site ... <img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/CatMusic01_zpsanna0ygq.jpg~original" border="0" alt=" photo CatMusic01_zpsanna0ygq.jpg"/></a>
<iframe src="http://www.4shared.com/web/embed/file/LQhXvgJJce" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" width="470" height="320"></iframe>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/symANIg02_zps7vgltuwt.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo symANIg02_zps7vgltuwt.gif"/></a><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/PlusANIg02_zps976ywad0.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo PlusANIg02_zps976ywad0.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/AriesANIg01_zps8arbyovz.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo AriesANIg01_zps8arbyovz.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/HairANIgif01_zpse25dad09.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo HairANIgif01_zpse25dad09.gif"/></a>
It’s an odd feeling, hoping that there is something wrong with you. Really hoping that you’re sick, and that you can use that to explain what’s happening. I’m loathe to book the blood tests though, not only because they’re a nuisance that involves me taking time off of work but because I fully expect them to reveal nothing.
The phlebotomist will take the samples, I like her; she’s a friend of a friend and always asks after him and what he’s been up to. Then the samples will disappear for a couple of weeks. Finally the surgery will send me a letter.
It’ll look something like this:
“We’ve had the results of your blood test. We can confirm that your cholesterol levels are very high, putting you at risk of serious health conditions, including stroke and heart attack. You’ll be pleased to know, however, that we found no other abnormal readings. Please make an appointment as soon as possible so we can discuss the results and your options.”
My symptoms are weight gain, which I don’t mind as I like being heavier, depression, high cholesterol and very high fatigue. It’s the fatigue that’s ruining my life, it feels like every other day I have to ask to work from home because I can barely keep my eyes open.
The cholesterol is also worrying, mostly because I know I’m fat but I’m happy as I am. I’m already a vegetarian, I don’t eat dairy (apart from chocolate and cheese) so that actually cuts out most sources of dietary cholesterol.
In essence, I don’t want a formal confirmation of something that I can already hear in my head (naturally, in my father’s patronising, sanctimonious, calculating voice):
“You’re depressed and have cholesterol problems because you don’t go to the gym and don’t eat like a nutritionist. If you got off your fat backside you would probably feel less tired, too.”
My symptoms have all the hallmarks of an underachieve thyroid, which my maternal grandmother also has. The fact it’s such a perfect fit seems to make it all the more likely that it won’t be the culprit.
I’d love an easy answer, for once. Something that explains why it’s damned hard to even get out of bed. Why my eyes are stingy and dry. Why just housework tires me out. Why I have such acute bouts of depression. Why my cholesterol is high enough to actually make the doctor raise their eyebrows (which is not a fun feeling).
So, I’m on the sofa. I’m remoted in to work. The telephone is nearby. My coffee is slowly going cold. It’s nearly noon. I can’t bring myself to book the blood test. The coffee feels like it’s in another room. I’m too bleary-eyed to start work; I almost expect to be fired for working from home too much. The telephone feels like it’s in another country.
Just like Gwen. I wish she were here. I wish Cloud was here too, my best friend in all the world. My girlfriend is in the Netherlands, and has gone radio-silent again. Cloud is in France visiting his family. It’s okay: Cloud will be back tomorrow, and I’ve learnt that Gwen being quiet doesn’t ‘mean’ anything (much as my neuroses try to twist it into one). She’ll be back soon enough.
Work isn’t going anywhere. Not really. They need me, and my working from home is only just an inconvenience. In my defence, I also remoted in over the weekend and did a load of extra work for them just because I felt like it.
I’ll start small. Coffee first. Everything else in time.
well today has been another day.... I mean what are we here for? to think the way we live is a choice---really the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I pluck my facial hair because I don't want stubble....let a man do that---lmbo----he would cry like--ironically a girl---- I live for me and refuse to live for whatever society thinks I should. I say once and forall deal with me world because I am real and I am here.
Those who know me may say I am way out there. You know ,........'' There right !'' I have to share this worldly thought since it is so close to Earth Day........ We the transgender are in a driving movement to express to the world that we are real & that we belong. We make up about 1% of the population . Maybe a little more or maybe a little less. My crazy thought is that even to know we are a small group of the world , the people of earth will eventually look to us for leadership & salvation. '' Save the people of the world ! '' '' Pamala you are really crazy!'' All I will say to this right now is. Those of you who are transgender & want to express yourself other than what you were born with. I am asking to you to look deeply further within yourself. Look to the ethical humanity , the high intellect, the ability to see what others seem not to see or understand. '' We are evolutionary peaceful lovers! '' Our future may be more than making the people of the world except us. We may have the moral obligation to change the culture of the world, and be the most adaptable appropriate species ever known.......... '' A Transgender Loving Humane Being.'' capable of showing the world it is time to love for peace than to fight for peace.