Our community blogs
So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life.
People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them.
I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo.
Hey, Ladies and Gents and Uniques. It's me again. As I sit here on memorial day, sipping a Mikes Hard Lemonaid, I decided a good random blog was overdue.
First off, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It was much appreciated to read them . On the note of my trip to the ocean, it....didnt exactly go as planned. At all. We got up at a decent time, stopped at the local gas station and gathered ourselves some drinks for the three hour ride. Everything started out so smoothly! You're starting to catch my hint, arent you? Well, we missed a turn on the busy four-lane interstate, but we soon shrugged it off. We knew we'd get a little lost anyway, so we didnt panic. An added adventure! Well one wrong turn turned into about an extra hour of wandering around cluelessly. Somehow we managed to find ourselves on familiar roads, and headed towards our destination. Plum Island Beach, MA. I love going to the Plum Island Nature Reserve, because they have a wonderful beach. Although it would be mostly closed for Plover season (bird nesting), I knew that the back section would still be open so we'd be all set!
I was very....very mistaken. We pulled up to the entrance, and found ourselves sitting in a line of about eight other cars. No big deal, I thought. We just hit a random rush, that's all. How wrong I was......They were turning people away because they were so full, they had no more room for anyone to even enter. We travelled three hours, only to be told to go away. My heart sunk, and I was destroyed with disappointment. Now grumpy and sulking, I drove us away and headed further up to another beach. But it were the same situation. "Beach Full". So we kept going....and going....and going....We were on the road a total of seven hours. No where to stop, no beaches with room, and after two hours in traffic to travel the distance of ONE mile. I was soooooooooo SO done. I just wanted to go home at this point. I didnt want to deal with it anymore. My depression had already been in full swing this week, and going to the ocean was supposed to be my reprieve from it all. Only for it to be thrown back in my face like....well...sand in my eyes. Only I never got to get to the sand.
The most ocean I saw was whatever I could spot over the guardrails as we drove along the coast. Depressing and infuriating. Eventually I got so annoyed with getting lost AGAIN and not knowing where the hell I were going, that I left the driver's seat and had my boyfriend drive instead. Worst part? This whole trip was to take my little sister to the ocean, who was visiting and looking forward to it. Though she swears its no big deal and she's totally fine with it, I knew she were disappointed. That's what p***ed me off the most. I failed.
On another note, just the day before which totally ruined my hopes-----That CEO I were supposed to talk to? Well, we talked, and he gave me names of two women to get ahold of for some help. One is apparently very popular and into politics, so for her safety, there is NO contact information for her. The other, who we will simply call "K", had a phone number.
So of course I called her. She answered with a rather sharp tone, demanding to know who I was and what I wanted. I explained that I were told to contact her (we had already agreed to call eachother thru an email) and who my friend was who told me who she was, and what my situation was. She seemed rather bent out of shape already, but I couldnt help but detect a bit of annoyance and hostility about the phonecall. She demanded to know what I had done to help my transition, as if questioning my willingness to work for it. I explained that I couldnt do much because my state is limited on help for the transgender individuals, and that since losing my job, I also lost insurance. She demanded to know why I didnt have insurance, and I told her that it's hard to find one right now that will accept me. Then she wanted to know what I had done on my part to get closer to surgery. I informed her that I had managed to save up 2k$ of the 9k$ needed for surgery. She cut me off, demanding to know who told me it was a 9k$ surgery. I told her that it was from the surgeon, and she wanted to know WHO. Name, facility, etc. I told her I didnt remember, because I didnt feel the need to look more into those details until I had the funds to get the surgery. I explained that they told me no surgery without HRT for one full year. At that point, she cut all ties to the conversation. In lack of other ways to explain it, it felt very much like she were, in fact, SCOLDING me for contacting her if I had not had HRT yet. Even though I told her that the main reason for it was because I have no funds to pay for the hormones yet, she still acted as though I were wasting her time. Saying that no one will ever touch any of my surgeries unless I take hormones, in a rather rude and forceful way. I kept my tone even and explained that I understood, apologized for disturbing her, and wished her a good rest of the day. But once I hung up, I will admit, I were reduced to tears.
I'm so tired of the dead ends. The walking in circles for nothing. Ending up empty handed. It seems nothing wants to go my way, or even CLOSE to my way.In hopes that maybe, MAYBE it would help, I did contact the place I used to have a therapist at. One of the things someone has mentioned was that I might get passed hormone requirements IF I have records from a professional stating that I have had transgender dysphoria for a while, and records of me discussing my distaste for starting hormones until after surgery. So I contacted the therapists office and left a message, asking for copies of all my records and notes for a gender therapist later on. Hopefully I'll get a call back tomorrow, and can pick them up later. Not only for future use, but maybe I'll get a better idea on what the hell my therapist was scribbling on her notebook all the time I was with her. Be a good read, anyway.
On ANOTHER note (Just noticed I say that a lot. Oh, one more after this!) My hair is cut, dyed, and styled. And I love it Although I'm still slightly annoyed with the situation that went on while at the salon (details in previous blog) I cannot deny that she knows how I want my hair and hits the nail on the head every time. The blue color didnt stay like I'd hoped, but it's no big deal. I like the blackness of it. I miss having black hair Plus for some reason I feel like I'm more confident with it. Suits me better, I think.
The second note (oh lawd...) is that I am FINALLY going to kick myself in the butt and put together my youtube channel. Although I havent loaded any videos yet, I have it set up and ready to go! DubstepHeartbeat is the name of the channel, and it will be dedicated to personal videos on being transgender, trans tips for ftm AND mtf, my transition experiences, etc. After my intro video, one of the first topics I had been asked to discuss was "not trans enough". I have that pretty well figured out, but I would LOVE any ideas for topics that you guys can think of I'd like to post videos weekly, and get the ball rolling. Though I may be doing them in my car every week (only place I can talk openly without people overhearing and being jerks) it'll be an interesting experience nonetheless.
Wish me luck, and talk to you all soon,
I just updated my status and tried to be funny about something that I take very seriously. Which is funny in itself because how can it be serious and funny at the same time? I was saying that I just had a close call because for a second there, I thought I was going sane. I am SO GLAD that I am not going sane. It would be the death of me. I don't know how I could exist that way. It confirms for me that my transition isn't what I expected it to be. Sanity would be the road of convincing myself that I can spend the last age of my existence doing just the opposite of what EVERYONE always says everyone else should do.
We are told that to be happy in life, one must do what makes them happy. I must admit, above all things, the one thing that does make me truly happy is also very simple. I like to create. I like art. I like to draw. I like color. I like painting. I like pastels. I like to write. I like to dream. Happiness for me is all around me. To quote Devo "It's a beautiful World".
I am glad that this is the time that I am living in. Two of my all time most inspirational Human beings are Arthur C. Clarke and Hedy Lamarr. One because they taught me that "heavenly" is talking about a place that is so much more than just a place were God hangs out. The other because it's perfectly cool to look that good and still have the mind to invent space diversity reception and frequency hopping communications.
Someday, I hope I can look as good as Hedy did. I will probably never be as smart as her Someday, I hope I can publish a book that will inspire a child to lift up they're eyes and dream, like Arthur did.
I may be channeling Hedy right now. I don't know. What I do know is that to me, "sane" means "ordinary". I NEVER want to be that. I want to be with the insane crowd. Besides, looking at Hedy's Wiki profile picture reminds me of someone else I know. She goes by the name of Veronica. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear we both had our profile pictures taken by the same photographer.
In a recent post I place the image below into it which was taken by my friend who said she wanted a picture of me for memories of that day. I was thinking about female Mannerisms and Body Language but not at that moment looking at the picture below. Note this is three days after breast augmentation and not thinking about my body language what-so-ever.
Several things became apparent that I would like to point out, men generally sit forward while females sit back on a chair, men typically have their legs spread and hands in their crouch or open to the outside of their legs.
The purpose of this entry is for others to consider their posture not only when sitting but also when in other positions such as standing or walking. I have mentioned in the past my friend would constantly critique my mannerisms and body language when I first came out which in turn jogged my memories of being professionally taught female mannerisms. Not everyone will have someone that will critique their body language and mannerisms which means it is up to you to do so. I think doing this is critical in comfortably passing in the desired gender.
Don't forget the little things such as putting your fingers through your hair,twirling your hair. Include hand gestures as needed and often.
When a guy walks, subconsciously he claims the space as his and therefore walks with wider strides and kind've thinks of his shoulders like an outward extension of himself. When a girl walks, she is doing the exact opposite. Subconsciously, she is trying to take up the least amount of space possible. That is why girls walk with closer strides and keep their arms a bit closer to their sides.
A picture says a thousand words as in the image below, When self-analysing myself when standing say in a check-out line I am always as shown similar to the right side image.
Hopefully these suggestions are of assistance with your journey to a better life in your correct gender.
Just some random thoughts as another week comes to an end and I get ready for a 4-day weekend (YAY!)
I mentioned in an earlier post that this week I finally wore shoes (2 days) that are clearly women's. This was also the first week that I've gone 100% in female clothing. I'm still getting more "sirs" than I'd like, and someone yesterday commented on what I was wearing saying "I respect a man who can wear pink." Those things all make me wonder "what more do I have to do!?!?"
Well, that's my weekend project, figuring out what more I can do
I had my first electrolysis appointment yesterday. It was 45 minutes (10-15 minutes of consultation first, then 45 minutes of actual electrolysis). It hurt, but it wasn't as bad as i had feared, and she started with the upper lip which she said was the most painful part. Going into it my fears were (1) if I could afford it (I will find a way!), (2) if it would hurt too much (I have 4 tattoos, this didn't feel as bad), and (3) that I had to let the hair grow a couple of days before the session - AHH!!! (it's worth it for the long-term benefit). What I noticed though was that there was no fear about whether or not I really wanted it. It did scare me at the end when she said I can't wear make-up for the next week - I'm supposed to do drag on Tuesday, that might be a challenge (I'll see what I can pull off this weekend, something without foundation)
Also reached out to my doctor about getting a propecia prescription and to have at least a preliminary discussion about hormone therapy. Haven't been able to make contact with him yet, but I should get somewhere on this early next week.
My new therapist continues to be wonderful! And she gave me contact information for TG support group in the city. They meet the 1st Wednesday of each month, so I have that in my calendar for June.
At work there was also a very positive development. The person who used to be my bosses' boss (she was over all 3 people to whom I report) shifted positions, she's now the head of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (or something like that). When the announcement came out about that I sent her a congrats email, and used that to "come out" to her (I think she might have known already, but I wasn't sure). She thanked me and said that she definitely wants to incorporate trans issues into the work that she'll be doing (it is a new position), and she said that she'd like to chat with me sometime soon to get any thoughts I might have about what the school can do. I've known her for several years and I know that she's not the type to just "blow smoke up your ass," if she says she wants to do something she really does, and typically gets it done. So on my task list for the long weekend is also to think about what I see as the logistical things that might come up, and then look at that to see what I should raise with her. I'm also meeting with our HR director again to update - she mentioned that they are very soon going to "re-label" rest rooms with respect to gender identity (she couldn't tell me more about that yet).
Finally, on Wednesday night I do a volunteer gig at a comedy theater in the city. I told the person who coordinates volunteers that I had decided to start using my female name, so this week that started. He's really sweet, he seemed to go out of his way to find ways to use my name whenever he could, and before I left we had a long conversation about it, he was curious about a lot of it (and also apologized in advance if he asked anything insensitive, which he didn't do). There were also 2 occasions that night where I had to introduce myself to someone and that was the first time I introduced myself in person to someone as Christie
So on the whole this was a really good week! Underneath all of this was just a far greater comfort with what I'm doing and where I'm going.
I hope everyone has a lovely Memorial Day weekend!
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
As a cisgender Lesbian, the price for immediate interaction, as provided by the Internet, rather than meeting face to face, is a loss of community.
It is important to maintain community. In the age of the Internet (especially social media), cell/smart phones, and other technology, it is becoming more and more difficult.
In the Lesbian community, as I am seeing Lesbians approaching gaining their full civil rights, I am seeing less community.
Presently, I only see Lesbian Connection and Golden Threads, among a few others, trying to maintain community among Lesbians, and they are struggling. Sadly, I have also noticed that most Lesbian bookstores no longer exist.
My great concern is, when, as transpeople achieve greater acceptance, are they going to lose community, too?
The challenge to the TLGB community, is to maintain community as the emphasis in our society shifts from face to face to online interaction.
In my opinion, I feel we have it reversed. People should meet face to face PRIMARILY, and maintain contact (and community!) through technology. The Internet should be seen as a tool to support face to face interaction, but not to supplant it.
A couple or three months ago, I discovered a new channel in my cable channel line-up, and in doing so, spotted "Starsky and Hutch" in the primetime programming. I hadn't seen it since it went off the air, though I did see the 2004 movie. I've been watching the 1975-79 show since then, enjoying the action, and seeing things I never saw before.
I watched "S&H" religiously. I even remembered that the show, at least for a while, came on on Wednesdays. So why wasn't I able to sit back and watch the show and think to myself on occasion, "oh yeahhhh... I remember this episode!" It was like I was seeing each episode for the first time night after night. After about two weeks, I started googling stuff about the show - something you couldn't do back in 1975.
How can someone who was such a fan, remember only the characters? Oh, and the opening theme song. I also liked that big cannon of a .357 Magnum that Hutch used. And I remember that brown and white cardigan that Starsky wore on occasion. I even had a similar cardigan. I loved that cardigan. However, show after show, I failed to recognize any of the episodes. Every so often, it seemed like a memory was about to be triggered. And eventually, there was a scene in one episode that I thought I remembered. Or maybe I just convinced myself that I remembered because it got to the point that I felt like I had to remember. I should remember. I didn't even remember the touchy-feely-makes-you-wonder-if-they're-gay-lovers-but-they're-always-after-the-girls kinda characters.
After a couple more weeks of watching "S&H" reruns, and still not recognizing any of the episodes, I started wondering why. Yes, I liked Hutch's gun - I had a toy gun similar to his when I was a kid. And I liked Starsky's cardigan. Did I mention that I really like that cardigan? And that sweater I had made me sorta feel like Starsky. Then it hit me - I couldn't remember the show itself because of Starsky - I wished I was Detective David Starsky. With that .357 Magnum (instead of Hutch). That's why I can't really remember any of the episodes. When I watched the show each week, I apparently "stepped into the TV," pretending to be Starksy. I was the cop that got into shoot-outs, wild chases in that slick lookin' Torino, always lost out on the pretty girls to my partner. Hutch was annoying like that.
Now that I'm older, and have found different ways to be me...I can sit back and watch "S&H" for the first time. But I guess somewhere deep down, I still sorta wish I was Starsky...
I had a little bit of an odyssey this weekend filing my prescription. So even though I received the script on Wednesday, I was not able to fill it until today (wow). It's amazing, but it hardly cost me a thing. 2 months of Estradiol and 1 month of Spironolactone for $25 through Costco. So I took Estradiol for the first time today. Just a 1 MG pill, but felt a little different immediately after for about 15 to 20 mins. Not sure what that was about. I had an empty stomach. Also, the Dr. asked that I let the pill dissolve under my tongue for maximum effect. I don't know if that was what did it. For the first 30 days, I am to take 1 Mg twice per day and then it doubles after that. I will have follow up bloodwork in August just to check my levels again. Should be interesting!!
Which is amazing. Insurance is covering the bloodwork and appointments. The biggest short term expensive is electrolysis and laser. I had to delay the laser two weeks, because I had very little growth after 7 weeks. I don't know if it will come screaming back at 8 weeks. I hope not.
Yesterday, my wife had a meeting with our pastor, where my pastor made disparaging remarks about local trans* issues in the area. I somewhat expected being trans may be a problem at my current church. Anyways, my wife was mad and upset and told me to put off telling our pastor that I am trans*. I told her that I may look at other churches. I grew up Presbyterian and did not realize that they are trans* friendly. I am not going to say what denomination that I currently go to, but I will seriously consider going back to the Presbytery. Methodists, Episcopals, UU's and other churches are accepting and won't be a problem for me. I will plan on visiting different ones, one per month, until I can decide what I want to do.
I was so proud of my wife. Her momma bear instincts kicked in big time. I am so thankful for that!
I suppose it comes across as passive aggressive, but I've basically reached the stage where I just don't talk anymore, especially when I'm in bigger groups. I find myself just being quiet a lot of the time. The bigger the group the worse it is. And it's strange that with friends it's the worst.
Seemingly silly things, but when they refer to me as he / him, I don't even correct them anymore. When people talk over me, I don't try to push back into the conversation. So, I guess I've just stopped trying. The last year has been taxing. As I've written over and over again, and I suppose it's become my trademark song, is that my overwhelming experience of coming out as transgender is one of absolute exhaustion. I'm tired of standing up for myself. I'm tired of speaking up. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of justifying myself. I'm tired of the endless, endless circular discussions and questions from people who's ignorance could easily be ameliorated by the fantastic mobile devices they hold in their hands.
The joke is that the impression of me, and I suppose it's becoming more and more true, is that I'm a sulky person. I didn't used to be. I guess the last two weeks of bleeding and flu haven't really helped with my mood. At some stage I want to get back into activism, I want to be a louder voice, but I'd really like some time to recoup, and lately I'm just made to feel worse and worse about it.
Having two racist, misogynist bigots making it their business to point out that I do "nothing" and that my activism as of late has only been "couch activism". I got so angry. Like, excuse me, I've spent years of my life fighting for feminism, racial justice, LGBTQIA rights. I have a momentary sit down to collect and these little morons want to tell me off? The joke being that they have never done anything that matters. Rich little cisgender white boys who have their world's handed to them on a platter, who's idea of activism is owning a rainbow shirt. When I've marched in the streets, attended and spoken at seminars, spoken to law makers, publicly called out abusive politicians, and more than once been beaten up for having the audacity to breathe as a bisexual transgender person.
I don't expect any praise. As a matter of fact I hate it when activists get all self proud and shout their achievements from the roof. And I hate being self righteous when bigots fall from the woodwork and start attacking me to make themselves feel comfortable. I just wonder what the cost of being self righteous is at a time when all I want to do is crawl under my bed and hide away from the world.
I don't want to be the sullen, angry person. But I'm so tired of the hurt and hatred and stupidity thrown at me and I'm expected to be all love and smiles all the time.
Hi, I thought I'd just jot down a few things that i didn't see coming before transitioning.............I'd love to know if others found some of the same issues.
So here thay are;
- After about 2 years or so on oestrogen I find I need to pee a lot more often than I used to - especially just before leaving the front door. I now have a greater understanding of a womans need to pee!
- I don't drink as much alcohol as I used to (still drink too much though!), & I eat less food too.
- My taste buds appear to have changed, gone has my previous obsession for chilli and hot spices, and now I like the previously unliked chocolate, I now like Chardonnay (previously avoided by me) and other white wines slightly more than even Cider, I don't like most beers anymore. I now eat prawns, and love salads that I used to often dodge if I could get away with doing so. God I'm even starting to like coffee..............but still like green tea.
- I now have a great sense of colour and dress co-ordination, many females have commented on this.
- Although my deepest innerself is much the same, I am a lot more relaxed, forgiving, emotional, & easier to get along with, I guess my persona has softened a lot at the previously crusty edges!
- I don't rush around trying to get everything done as quickly as possible anymore as I used to do as a male. (Anglo-Saxon work ethic).
- I'm a lot tidier and don't mind cleaning as much (I used to dislike it).
- Obviously I don't have the sex drive that I used to have as a male, this is especially true after testosterone blockers (last 4months).
- I've noticed that previously greasy or oily areas of my face are a lot less greasy now.
- As a male I had male pattern baldness, I have been on Finasteride for almost 2 years, this started hair regrowth, with the T blockers as well, my hair regrowth has accelerated.
Of course I'm pleased with the things that I did see coming notably the more ovious physical changes, such as boobs and hairy chest not being hairy anymore (thank God), my skin is softer than it used to be and muscle wastage.
I can absolutely say that I much prefer being female to male, and that there is no way on Earth that I'd go back.
Clearly this is a clothes issue. Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes.
Not a problem buying. No women can't tell me how a shop or card works. Todays issue is getting in my clothes.
As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight. Not the case. Weird right.
Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum. My lady humps were in the way of my jeans. I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants. Was me this morning.
Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back. Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again.
Do you want to know a secret... After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too. I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see. My ass are illusionist.
So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows. My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with. I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on.
Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in. Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike).
So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me.
I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too? I don't think so...
As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again. They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom. Oh freaken hell no. My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back. Old fashioned, but hey its me. Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside.
Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures.
Cheers from South Africa.
I just learned my sister, who I thought was the most supportive and understanding about trans related things in my family, is not as accepting as I thought.
She called me by my birth name over text (because she doesn't like to hear the truth when she asks my opinion, apparently). I corrected her, and her response was, "well it's not official yet!"
This is the most shocking because she has actually had diversity and sensitivity training with her job, which included an LGBTQ section and focused on transgender discrimination.
I told her, "well, I'm done for now"
This was a few days ago, and I am not sure how to approach/re-approach the situation. She is usually a self-absorbed b****, and does use low blows to use against me, but this is the first time she's used a trans related low-blow.
While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.
Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.
Am I really a girl deep inside?
Am I just having a gender identifying crises?
Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?
Or am I just going crazy?
Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..
And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?
Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:
1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.
2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.
3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)
4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.
5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".
Reason I am a girl:
1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.
2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.
3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)
4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing
6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.
7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.
8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.
9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.
AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED.
I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..
It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.
It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..
But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..
I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.
But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.
And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..
But Yet they keep coming up..
I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?
I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.
I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.
I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?
Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.
Have a great day
Wow So much has happened in the last year (since 5/1/2014) the day first saw my therapist and she said those fateful words “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” I’d never heard those words before. But those words that have turned my world upside down. No actually they have turned my world upside right, but have turner everyone else’s upside down.
So here’s what has happen since I heard those words
On May 31st came out to my wife
Sometime in July, finally said I might be transgender.
August 29th went to my first Trans Support Group
August 30th came out to my health coach
October said that I am transgender
November 2nd came out to my colorist
November 10th met a trans friend
November 17th came out to my doctor
November 17th started wearing nothing but women’s clothes every day
About November 20th stopped having migraines
November 19th came out to my nail girl
December 3rd came out to my massage therapist
December 3rd through January 31st came out to about 25 sales women
About January 1st stopped taking all medications, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants
January 10th saw new therapist
January 11th got fitted for my first bra
January 31st told 2 women at blood bank
About February 1st totally accepted and even embraced the fact I am transgender.
February 2nd came out to friend in Texas (1st guy)
February 18th told my new doctor
January 28th told 2 more women at blood bank
March 16th came out to my cousin
March 28th came out to my daughters
March 28th through April 30 came out to 10 other sales women
April 22nd met a new friend and she totally accepts me for me
April 25th came out to my best friend (2nd guy)
So now today I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate the fact I am transgender. In fact I love me for who and what am, and that’s a transgender woman.
On the day you I firs heard “you may be transgender” and there was a magic pill I could take to make me not be trans, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.
3 months ago I am not sure I what would have done. Today I am not taking it and there’s no way you can force it down my throat.
I used to look at it as a curse, but now see it as a blessing. I would not want to be not trans because I would not just lose part of me, I would lose me.
I am so much a peace with who and what I am I have not taken any numbing medications(sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants ) in over 4 months and have only had 1 migraine in 5 last months. I think that’s really awesome. It’s not that I feel better than I ever have it that I feel alive for the first time.
So today I say I am transgender,
YES I AM PROUD TO BE TRANSGENDER!!
“oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
PS by the way the translation “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
for me is "of course you not a sick disgusting pervert" which is what I thought for most of the first 55 year of my life" So in essence those words have freed me from my self made prison I spent my whole life in.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
I wrote a book - The Definition of Normal by E S Carpenter - because I studied psychology and learned that there is a ton of educational / psychology proof that TG / TV / CD people and their admirers are NORMAL! And I am very tired of the social beating these groups get, from the so called 'normal people'.
These lifestyles, along with LGBT have existed since humans have existed, and it is about time someone explain the educational information available, so the non-educators can learn. Seems almost all LGBT / TG / TV / CD education material is in Peer Review Journal Articles - not readily accessible to the general public. I have no idea why our wonderful higher educational system does not gladly offer access to this information - but that is a discussion for another day.
I studied the information in the book. The pschological facts are accurate. Yes, they are woven inside a love story. ...Believe it or not, for the reasons the character 'Lorraine' gives in the book: Most people can't process formal operational thought (theory only). SO I wrote a concrete operational love story around the information, so more people would access.
The book is free on Amazon to read. See how 'NORMAL'. Then let's talk if you want?
I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh>
As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply.
Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other.
I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it.
I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks.
She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end.
She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want.
About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out.
When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too.
So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters.
I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain.
See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past.
Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!
Greetings, all ... <img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif"/></a>
I've been <i>into</i> the "blog scene" around the WWW for (only) the past couple of years ...
Most recently via my <a href="http://transgenderdate.com/viewuser.php?id=203163"><b><u><font color = "00FF00">(Link to) TGD "Adonii" profile</font></b></u></a>
Just "discovered" TGG this evening ... and am ready to check out this site ... <img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/CatMusic01_zpsanna0ygq.jpg~original" border="0" alt=" photo CatMusic01_zpsanna0ygq.jpg"/></a>
<iframe src="http://www.4shared.com/web/embed/file/LQhXvgJJce" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" width="470" height="320"></iframe>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/symANIg02_zps7vgltuwt.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo symANIg02_zps7vgltuwt.gif"/></a><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/PlusANIg02_zps976ywad0.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo PlusANIg02_zps976ywad0.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/AriesANIg01_zps8arbyovz.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo AriesANIg01_zps8arbyovz.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/HairANIgif01_zpse25dad09.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo HairANIgif01_zpse25dad09.gif"/></a>
It’s an odd feeling, hoping that there is something wrong with you. Really hoping that you’re sick, and that you can use that to explain what’s happening. I’m loathe to book the blood tests though, not only because they’re a nuisance that involves me taking time off of work but because I fully expect them to reveal nothing.
The phlebotomist will take the samples, I like her; she’s a friend of a friend and always asks after him and what he’s been up to. Then the samples will disappear for a couple of weeks. Finally the surgery will send me a letter.
It’ll look something like this:
“We’ve had the results of your blood test. We can confirm that your cholesterol levels are very high, putting you at risk of serious health conditions, including stroke and heart attack. You’ll be pleased to know, however, that we found no other abnormal readings. Please make an appointment as soon as possible so we can discuss the results and your options.”
My symptoms are weight gain, which I don’t mind as I like being heavier, depression, high cholesterol and very high fatigue. It’s the fatigue that’s ruining my life, it feels like every other day I have to ask to work from home because I can barely keep my eyes open.
The cholesterol is also worrying, mostly because I know I’m fat but I’m happy as I am. I’m already a vegetarian, I don’t eat dairy (apart from chocolate and cheese) so that actually cuts out most sources of dietary cholesterol.
In essence, I don’t want a formal confirmation of something that I can already hear in my head (naturally, in my father’s patronising, sanctimonious, calculating voice):
“You’re depressed and have cholesterol problems because you don’t go to the gym and don’t eat like a nutritionist. If you got off your fat backside you would probably feel less tired, too.”
My symptoms have all the hallmarks of an underachieve thyroid, which my maternal grandmother also has. The fact it’s such a perfect fit seems to make it all the more likely that it won’t be the culprit.
I’d love an easy answer, for once. Something that explains why it’s damned hard to even get out of bed. Why my eyes are stingy and dry. Why just housework tires me out. Why I have such acute bouts of depression. Why my cholesterol is high enough to actually make the doctor raise their eyebrows (which is not a fun feeling).
So, I’m on the sofa. I’m remoted in to work. The telephone is nearby. My coffee is slowly going cold. It’s nearly noon. I can’t bring myself to book the blood test. The coffee feels like it’s in another room. I’m too bleary-eyed to start work; I almost expect to be fired for working from home too much. The telephone feels like it’s in another country.
Just like Gwen. I wish she were here. I wish Cloud was here too, my best friend in all the world. My girlfriend is in the Netherlands, and has gone radio-silent again. Cloud is in France visiting his family. It’s okay: Cloud will be back tomorrow, and I’ve learnt that Gwen being quiet doesn’t ‘mean’ anything (much as my neuroses try to twist it into one). She’ll be back soon enough.
Work isn’t going anywhere. Not really. They need me, and my working from home is only just an inconvenience. In my defence, I also remoted in over the weekend and did a load of extra work for them just because I felt like it.
I’ll start small. Coffee first. Everything else in time.
Silly it seems. Especially since visiting this site and reading everyone's wonderful stories, that I would ever feel lonely or alone. I have such a huge support network around me of friends, girlfriends, family and co-workers and yet lately I have begun to feel that isolation again.
It's pretty easy to stave off these days. Between lunches and shopping and coffee with girlfriends or dancing whenever I get the chance or just being randomly oggled or hit on in the streets - gender dysphoria no longer has its claws in me.
Still, 23 months in and I didn't have another transgender person to call a friend outside the world wide web. I was starting to beat myself up pretty bad about that. I had heard mixed things about support groups and I was even beginning to think that, if I had made it this far without one support groups were probably not for me. But I was wrong, so very, very wrong x)
My psychologist recently started doing her own support groups with her own clients. I told her I would attend the first meeting and then... well... at the last moment I got socially anxious and I... didn't. But when the chance rolled around again this time (the first Sunday of every month) I was determined to go. Like jumping into the deep end I just held my breath from my fears and I did it. I went.
Oh my God. I'm not alone.
Not only did everyone share similar stories of their journeys but for the first time I felt like my input was valuable! I had no problem speaking up and adding my two cents. Something that usually doesn't happen unless I have incredibly deep knowledge in a subject (like at work). Although, I guess - this being my life - I do have a pretty deep knowledge with it. I was still terrified at first, something I tried over the course of the few hours to overcome, and I think I did so successfully. By the end of the session I had been invited for drinks and had been chatted up by many of the others. But something was different throughout the experience... unlike any other social interaction I usually have in groups or with new people this never once felt threatening. Even getting over my fears felt worthwhile instead of potentially dangerous.
That is a feeling that I want to carry on with me from now on
The most incredible part of the whole experience was probably the thing that I feared the most actually coming true. I was always afraid that I would run into someone from my past who knew me before... and I did. Yet, it was nothing as I had expected. At 23 months of HRT I was the most "experienced" (using that loosely) of the folk there. Most everyone else was just starting hormones or were just starting to experience changes. I was the only one (so far!) to be fully out and living life this way without compromise. I can't wait to watch all of them change :3
With the person that I ran into... she was just starting... and going through what I remember to be the hardest phases of coming to grips with the whole experience.
As she went to leave I had to pause a good conversation I was having with one of the women to go and say hello, thinking maybe she hadn't recognized me. She simply grabbed me in one of the most loving hugs I have had in my life and told me, "oh my God... This all makes so much sense, I had no idea...". We held in that embrace for what felt like forever and it felt so, so right.
We went out for dinner following the meeting (I later brought her to my dance class. I'm so proud of her!) and she gave me her whole story. I felt so strongly connected to her that at points I cried during her story. Somehow... I think I always knew that we were connected on a deep level... even before either of us could have ever seen this day coming.
That was last weekend. Since then I have had a few of the folks over to my place to play games and watch movies and today I met up with another wonderful person to take a spontaneous dance class in a discipline that neither of us had even heard of before x) Tomorrow we are going for a run around the seawall (although... I'll have my roller blades on) and then later I will meet up with my old friend to go and have a new experience yet again.
It's been like a whirlwind, and all because I finally conquered my fear of others like me. I'm sure this won't be the end of all my troubles but right at this second I feel like I am floating in the clouds. I have never felt so accepted, conversation has never come so easy and no challenge seems to big. I am sure that my cisgender girlfriends accept me just as much (in fact, I know they do) but y'know... they've had a different experience out of life and this is just a whole new kind of friendship.
Now is just the trouble to make sure I don't throw my whole life away in exchange for these new experiences xD Focus Mikah. Priorities! Balance!
I feel so blessed to be living here in Vancouver where this is... well, a lot easier than it could be in a lot of places. I also feel incredibly strong for making it this far on my own and so relieved that now I don't have to carry the weight on my own. Finally!
I'll conclude with just a picture of me after getting made over by some of my wonderful cisgender girlfriends while shooting a promo video for them. A snapshot - me at 23 months :)
well today has been another day.... I mean what are we here for? to think the way we live is a choice---really the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I pluck my facial hair because I don't want stubble....let a man do that---lmbo----he would cry like--ironically a girl---- I live for me and refuse to live for whatever society thinks I should. I say once and forall deal with me world because I am real and I am here.
Those who know me may say I am way out there. You know ,........'' There right !'' I have to share this worldly thought since it is so close to Earth Day........ We the transgender are in a driving movement to express to the world that we are real & that we belong. We make up about 1% of the population . Maybe a little more or maybe a little less. My crazy thought is that even to know we are a small group of the world , the people of earth will eventually look to us for leadership & salvation. '' Save the people of the world ! '' '' Pamala you are really crazy!'' All I will say to this right now is. Those of you who are transgender & want to express yourself other than what you were born with. I am asking to you to look deeply further within yourself. Look to the ethical humanity , the high intellect, the ability to see what others seem not to see or understand. '' We are evolutionary peaceful lovers! '' Our future may be more than making the people of the world except us. We may have the moral obligation to change the culture of the world, and be the most adaptable appropriate species ever known.......... '' A Transgender Loving Humane Being.'' capable of showing the world it is time to love for peace than to fight for peace.
Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped.
I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.
All my life, I have felt wrong. And I do mean all my life.
Since before I could even put a full definition to what gender even was. I have always felt off in my own body, as though the world I expected and desired did not sync at all with what was happening around me, happening to me.
I have hidden from my true self all my life. I did what was expected of me, what was expected of all boys...to be a man. To do all the things boys are supposed to do. Act the way boys are supposed to act.
I have the brain of a female. In all likelihood it is biological, caused during foetal formation by little more than a slightly “off” series of hormonal developments. My mind is a girl’s, but it’s in the body of a boy, and it has been this way for the entirety of my existence, regardless of how I’ve been raised or how my worldly experiences have influenced me.
Imagine for a second here what that would be like. Imagine you, a girl or boy, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a guy or girl, but have to live as a girl or guy, pushed along by societal current, tradition, and bare survival instinct into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable to you, unpalatable to you. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there’s nothing that you can do about it.
This is how it is for me. This is how it’s always been for me. If you’ve always seen me as a Herculean pillar of masculinity, then I guess it just means I’m a good faker. I’m sorry if this makes you feel betrayed, or wronged. That’s never what I wanted to do.
For years I felt that there was nothing I could do about what I felt, and so for years I didn’t intend to do anything about it. Unsurprisingly, this did not work. Transsexuality, I have found, is not a habit you can break, a mindset you can force your way out of, or something you can treat with psychotherapy or drugs. It is a genetic construction that will never, ever change, but as it turns out, there is something that can be done about it. I’ve always known it was a possibility, but until now I’ve been too terrified to make it a reality. It took time, it took lots of time, for me to build up the courage to admit to myself that it would be a mistake to continue living as a male. To understand that any apprehensions that I had about doing anything to solve my problems were very much outweighed by the problems themselves, and the implications that they would have on my well- being for the rest of my life.
May 10, 2014 my life came to a cross-road. I was at the point of Transition or commit suicide. So I’m doing something about it, and I’m transitioning from male to female. It’s the only cure for my condition, and I am more than happy to take it on. Above all of the rest, this is the part I want you to understand the most. This is the part where I’m going to be emphatic, where I’m going to be angry, and where I’m probably going to cry a little.
This is the part where I want to make clear that this was NOT a choice.
I am not deciding to become a girl. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, and it is the only route that I could take, because I am done lying about who I am. In transitioning from male to female, I have become a second-class citizen in the eyes of many people. I have opened myself up to discrimination and hate. I have jeopardize my likelihood of finding a life partner who accepts me. I have jeopardize my job security. I have opened myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. I am diving headfirst into what is really a whole world of social trouble, and it is not something that I would choose to do.
This is the next step of my life, of my existence and of my development as a human being, and this was always going to happen, because it was never my choice.
Coming to grips with this has been an absurdly hard process, and it has constantly sent me into depression and loneliness. Nearly every personal problem that I’ve had over the course of my life, I can trace back almost certainly to repressed questions of gender identity. Making myself realize it and embrace it took years, and even after that the fear and uncertainty of what to do about it made me miserable.
I never told anyone. I lied about what made me sad, or I just didn’t say. Coming out and actually telling someone “I’m transgendered” was a prospect far, far too scary to even consider. Instead I sank inside myself, jealous of people more brave than me and full of self-pity. It’s all because I was too scared to just tell anyone that there was something wrong with me. It took being completely low, down, and beaten for me to finally tell my best friend. It was a year after that before I told anyone else. After that person, a couple of weeks to tell another. Despite how scary it was all those times, and despite how scary it still is, it gets easier.
I lost friends and family with my decision to transition. My middle daughter, age 25, has disowned me and tells people I am an embarassment. A few friends have stopped talking to me, which just tells me they never were my friends in the first place.
August 21,2014 I started HRT and began the process of transition. I doubt my transition will ever end, as humans tend to evolve over time. We develope new interests and loose interest in other things. For me its just about living and being happy as the REAL me.
Surgeries? After weighing all the pros and cons, I've concluded that at my age and the inevitable witing list for C.A.M.H to approve government medical coverage, not to have SRS. I will be having an Orchi done this spring. Two reasons for Orchi...to get off the spiro and to get rid of the two things that represent to me the symbol of masculinity.
Ok that's all for now.
Merry Meet and Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Not sure whether this is the right thing for me to do, to start a Blog. Firstly, I feel that my grasp of the english language is not really very good, and secondly, I tend to lose enthusiasm pretty quickly.
I probably could also bore the pants of anyone who decides to read it!
Well, If any of you have read my profile, I do reside in the UK. Those of you whom may not of noticed will see that I am of asian origin. In fact my parents are originally from Hong Kong. This is where I am for the next 16 days aswell.
I've taken the oportunity to experiment with makeup which is easily available here, but not so readily available in the UK. In my thinking, I've decided to buy Japanese makeup here, as it should suit my asian skin better?? Well thats my excuse for just buying makeup here I guess.
I'm really not enjoying myself as much as I should be. I came here with a sore throat, and I'm struggling with it. I've also found out the best way of dispersing people who maybe overcrowding you on the buses or underground. Just have a coughing fit, and watch everyone cover their mouths and walk away from you. They seem to think I have bird flu!
Anyway.. enough of my ramblings! A shopping trip awaits me tomorrow morning!