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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!

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  1. Latest Entry

    I remember not so long ago taking spironolactone and estradiol where the prescription lasted six month then had to renew the prescriptions. Now after GRS I have a prescription for two years without a need to renew them.

    With medications mentioned it all changes, no more spironolactone and an ample supply of estradiol. I always try to keep extra on hand in the event of a emergency where pharmacies can not supply me with the medication I require for normal life.

    Something to think about, in that no matter what the meds are try and at least keep a weeks supply on backup, just in case.

  2. After being so sick for ages and then flattened by a heavy bout of depression, I've thrown myself back into work. Recorded three songs in the last day, been writing a lot, and cooked some awesome pancakes for lunch today. Unfortunately not pictures of pancakes.

    But if you want to listen to my songs, you can find them herehere, and here.

    I've also been experimenting with taking different kinds of photos with my camera. Went through a really icky phase after I was sick and I couldn't shave, so I spent my days hiding in a hoodie. Took a fantastic photo of it in rediculously high contrast with a UV filter. I happen to be covered in dog hair in this photo, but I get away with these things calling them 'artistic'.3_-_UV_plus_Red.thumb.jpg.d9af1454adbf00
    As I've said before, art is really the best medicine. A friend gave me a gift of coconut oil which I use as a substitute for shaving cream.

    Oh, and I've submitted some paintings for an upcoming exhibition. Here they are some of them: 




    They got chosen from a few random collections, but I hope they raise a bit of money.

    Anyways, It's about as hot as the surface of the sun this side. Hope you guys have a wonderful day.




  3. Good afternoon/morning/evening/Saturday? TGG friends,

    Yes, It's me again. No I havent died and no, nothing super dramatic has happened. I've just taken a lot of time to sort myself out and try and get my head straight.

    You'll be glad to know that I have been 'clean' or 'sober' of self harm for several weeks, and I am so far really loving my job. So far, I have not had a single day of dreading a workday aside from merely just being exhausted, getting used to 3rd shift. But it's getting easier. Speaking of, this'll be short since I'm on my way back to sleep.


    I've decided to cease communication (temporarily, I think.....) with a dear friend/sister of mine I met a year ago due to added stress and frustration. Seemed like every single time we talked, we fought. And I really just couldnt deal with it anymore. I've gotten a bit better with the silence and feel slightly better, though not 100% yet. But at least it's something.

    On another note, the cutting. I forced myself to stay away from it in attempts to keep that section of my bicep clean of open wounds...because I was going to cut myself off from it for good. How you might ask? Well, the pictures will explain.

    12039512_1500782906882394_27802245938385 12087995_1500782880215730_33737723680344


    "We are not defined by how hard we fall"

    It took about four hours to do the outlining, and I go back in a few weeks to do the shadowing and detail work. My dear cousin and awesome tattoo artist Tim in Montpilier VT did everything freehand for me to make sure it were unique and custom, and I thank him greatly for it. It were insanely painful to deal with at times, especially around the top of the shoulder and back of the armpit area. But with something like this to look at every time I want to cut into that area, I know it'll stop me. Why would I destroy something I worked so hard for? Something I went through so much pain to accomplish? It's the theory anyway, and I'm staking a lot on that theory.

    Besides, the bf will strangle me if I cut up this tattoo. By the time it's done, it would have costed me about 800$ including tip. Out of my surgery funds I've saved myself. 800$ is not 10,000$, which is what I need for my surgery. So why not use it for something that might help me? Hurts to use my hard saved money that was reserved for my surgery, but I dont see myself getting it any time soon.....if at all. But....yeah. So now you all know what I've been up to.


    All my thoughts with you,


  4. Latest Entry

    Following on from my previous entry whilst on holiday, we had a day out in southern Belgium, now most towns in the Ardennes have a castle, a church, a river, and a WW2 Tank (normally a US Sherman, although Houfalize has a German Panther but no castle!). La Roche en Ardenne must be a more important town than most as it has two tanks - a British Achilles Mk10 tank destroyer and a US Sherman, it's where UK and US forces met when pushing back the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge. 

    But an even more important sign of the towns importance was the Bunting along the main street, it was made up entirely of bras, there was also a display on the town hall too. After walking around the town, we had a meal in an Ardennais restaurant, well if we have gone all that way, we want to sample the local food, rather than international food. We had Civet de Marcassin  which is wild boar stew, and if you've never tasted wild boar and you like meat generally, you've missed out!

    Anyway photo's are of the bra bunting, I was amazed at it...............& of the WW2 reminders.













  5. So, while I am at the beginning of my journey, I'm trying to think of everything. Right now I'm focuses on appearances and finding out how I might look.

    At some point I will try and test the waters outside, maybe go to the shop at first then venture out further. Before that I need to really know what to wear, make up, all that great stuff.

    So I guess my question is this, to anyone else out there that has already transitioned or anyone going through the journey too: What did you wear? How did you wear it? How did you know you were ready to go out?

    I look forward to talking to all of you :)

    Edit: Just wondering, if there are any cross dressers, drag queens or trans folk out there who have worn bras as a male? If so what did you stuff them with, I know you can get like fake breasts but just thinking of right now... Socks? I have tried socks I'm just curious...

  6. Latest Entry

    Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.


    For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.


    What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.


    What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.


    Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.


    My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.


    No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.


    I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.


    Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.


    To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.


    Cheers for now

    Michele with love

  7. Latest Entry

    Happy Saturday everyone!

    I just finished my second full week with my new position and my mood is so much better than just a few weeks ago (when I wrote about feeling any lack of purpose).

    The new position involves managing the school's website and social media accounts.  I thought what I had been missing was making a meaningful contribution, and that was true, but more specifically what makes this so good is that it calls on me to make independent editorial decisions, rather than just doing clerical work.  Of course I get feedback on what I do, but I enjoy a lot of trust from my supervisor (and her feedback has all been very good and constructive - and reasonable considering I just started).

    So between my transition and my new position at work, things feel so much better!  (The salary increase helps too - ironic that after becoming a woman they started paying me more).

    As a quick side-note, on Monday i'll be finishing off donating my male clothing, which also feels good (and admittedly I had worried a little about how i"d feel doing it).  I found a group in NYC that provides services to people with AIDS, the clothing goes to those with limited resources, so I feel really good about that!

    And one correction - in my last post I misspelled my new middle name, it is "Anne," not "Ann."

    Final bit, I bought the cape below today :) (and a couple of fall/winter coats).





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    Recent Entries

    I haven't posted in a while. I don't know why exactly. I've been in a rut this summer.

    The intense anxiety that I experienced in April came back on Tuesday. I had it all day into Wednesday morning. Almost went to the ER. I cried all day long. I did get Xanax and Zoloft. It will take a couple of months to get my levels right, I'm sure. I feel better at the moment, but it comes and goes. I had problems on Thursday, Friday and today.

    I know what the reason is. Gender Dysphoria. I don't know exactly what triggered it. However, I did spend time out this weekend, had a great time but had to go back to guy mode in order to go to work. So the reason is clear. I need to transition to full-time at some point.. The meds are just bandaid.

    So I had a long talk with my wife. I told her that I will need to transition earlier. She cried. But I told her that eventually this will kill me. The meds are just a bandaid to get by. She agreed. We talked about telling her family, our children, my work, about her getting a job, neighbors, me possibly moving out, surgery, finances. It was a tough, tough conversation. She did so well though. She is so calm, understanding an smart which is amazing considering what we discussed.

    Well I need to get to bed. I'll post more later.

    Love you all!


  8. Latest Entry

    It has been a rough week. I told my friends and parents I am transgender. My wife has by far had the most emotion about it and we spent a number of hours crying together in the last two weeks. 

    My father also had his whole array of emotions infront of us as I spilled the beans on how I have been hiding this burden in my life from them for 30 years. He has subsequently accepted it and offered his support and even made an appointment for me at the psychiatrist. 

    My mother gave me her cold medical shoulder and said it's my thyroid gland that is defective and I need medication. A few days later she warned my wife not to sleep with me anymore as I am now gay and an AIDS risk. 

    My sister and I had a heart to heart and she later told my dad that she feels sorry for me for having to have hidden it from everyone for so long. 

    I feel lonely and abandoned at the moment since my sturn male persona crumbled in a matter of weeks after serving me so well for what feels like a lifetime. I am going to miss him too you know, but he broke and I can't stand the thought of even trying to fix him.

    I am out now and I am never going back. People will just have to get use to me the way I am now. 


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    Latest Entry

    The Blossoming of a Butterfly

    Chapter 2, the teen years

    By Erika Nicole West

         As I got into my teen years, my body changed from a big chubby fat kid to a lean muscular kid. This was attributed to playing intramural basketball in 5th and 6th grades. I sucked as a player but I was one of the taller kids and big, so I got in the way a lot. I remember running lots of stairs getting into shape and it literally ran the pounds right off of me. I can remember looking at my 7th grade class picture and I was actually skinny, which I had never been before in my life. I don’t recall doing much cross dressing in 7th grade, I was just beginning to become interested in girls and I was sure they wouldn’t understand. After 7th grade, my parents sold their house and we moved to an older home in a little town. They had bought the house my mother had grown up in and it was in poor shape and in need of remodeling. We moved into a rental, 2 doors up the street. This was the point in my life where I changed from a fairly lazy kid into a lean working machine. My older brother had broken his foot and was in a cast and my younger brother was too young to be much help, so the burden of moving the household was on my dad and I. Of course the women in the family helped with the smaller items but moving the furniture and appliances and what have you, well, I got a crash course on moving heavy stuff. Anyway, once the move was complete and we were nestled into the rental house, the cross dressing began again.

     One outfit I recall of my sisters that I found particularly sexy was what was popular at the time, 1973 I believe, a black body suit couple with a knit pair of very pink slacks. You could lightly see the outline of the black body suit under the pink, just loved that contrast. I was thin in those days, so I actually looked pretty good in it, so I thought anyway. What I wouldn’t give to be that thin today!

      So 8th grade was an epic year for me, I learned work ethic, I was cross dressing again and I had learned to masturbate.  When I say masturbate, I mean masturbate. It wasn’t easy either as I shared a room in the rental house with my younger brother. We had metal cabinets that we hung our clothes in that separated our beds. I remember one time he asked me “What are you doing over there?” as I was feverishly pounding my new found toy. Of course he could hear the heavy breathing, dead give- away, but him being younger, not sure he caught on. Once I mastered the technique, I practiced it often, every day for sure, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I would wear open sores on my schlong at times and have to switch hands so as not to irritate it more until it healed. I speculate I masturbated 360 out of the 365 days a year all through high school.

        My masturbation material was thoughts in my head of images I had either actually seen or pretended to have seen. My most erotic thing growing up was again and still, my panty fetish. Nothing aroused me more than seeing the bikini outline through a girls dress or pants or the holy grail of fetishes, the rare but ultra-hot view of catching a view of a girls panty via a crotch shot. I loved catching a peek whenever I could, either by accident or selectively positioning myself where I could. I used to long seeing girls wearing pretty dresses, wishing, hoping I could catch a glimpse, much less have a chance to wear the dress!

        My high school years were spent mostly chasing girls and being a jock. I had become a decent 3 sport athlete by this time, football, basketball and baseball, with football being my priority. I actually had set the school record for rushing yards for a freshman with 1,100 some odd yards in 7 games. Not too bad for someone who wanted to be a woman, this was in 1974.

      On instance I remember my junior year on the varsity football team, we were playing away. The visiting team always used the girls locker room, so when we entered, I noticed a pair of mint green satin bikini panties laying on the floor. So me being the opportunist that I was, I positioned myself in proximity of the panties and devised a plan. When the game was over and I was showered and changed my close, I was going to scoop my stuff up and snatch the panties in with my gear and take home with me. I had plans for these! I would have many ultimate and erotic masturbation fests at the expense of these panties. I liked to rub myself with them until I ejaculated. Anyway, just as I was about to put my plan into action, some jackass grabs them up and starts prancing around the locker room with them horsing around. I was devastated! My whole plan was up in smoke! My world was shattered! I had never had a pair of panties other than my moms, or sister’s, this was a whole new world for me! I was heartbroken, but lived for another day.

      My first sexual experience with another person was when I was 15.  One of my non-jock friends who lived in the same town I did called me up and asked me if I wanted to stay over that night. His parents were out of town and he didn’t want to be there alone. I said sure so I went over there and watched some TV until bedtime. Now, for some reason that escapes me, that particular day I was off of my normal masturbation schedule, it had been a couple of days since I had unloaded me sweet concoction of my loins. So we headed to bed and he suggested we sleep in his parents room, since it was a king bed and was lots of room. I said “sure, sounds fine to me” in my still naïve’ way. So went to sleep and sometime in the middle of the night I woke up with a raging boner and my friend was rubbing it! OMG I thought, at first I was mortified, but then I succumbed to the pleasure as it’s not like I hadn’t thought of this sort of thing before. To be fair, of course, I started rubbing him as well and we both were enjoying it. I finally pulled his head down on me and exploded with the most massive orgasm I had ever had at the time. Seemed like it last for several minutes. I was too shy to return the favor, after all, I was a jock on the football team, so I went to the bathroom to clean up. After washing, I noticed his mother’s light blue satin nightie hanging on the door. It had thin white lace around the edges of the sleeves. Of course I couldn’t resist but to try it on! So on it went and I pranced about the bathroom a bit then the thought occurred to me,” should I go out into the bedroom with it on? I could be a woman for him and he could take me from behind!” Oh, the temptation was so great but I gave way to my jock senses and took it off and hung it back on the door. I went back to bed and he proceed to go down on me again and worked me up to another orgasm, granted less dramatic, but still a fine one just the same. I still couldn’t bring myself to return the favor.

      The next few days after that, I couldn’t get it off my mind. I was so mad at myself for not being a better participant. So, to make things right, I went over to his house one day after school about a week later, went into his bedroom, blocked the door with a hair, un buckled his pants and proceeded to give him the blow job I had always dreamed about giving. It only lasted about a minute and he blew his load in my mouth and down my throat and I knew at that point that was something I wanted to do again and again and again!

     While I was in high school, I started working on Saturdays for an older, single man that lived in town. I had gotten the job via my older brother as he had worked for him for a bit and then moved on to something else. He was working on fixing his house up and I was becoming very handy at doing things from working with my dad on the fixer upper house they had bought earlier. So anyway, I would go over on Saturday mornings and do whatever it was he wanted to do, put ceiling tile in, or paint or what have you. Some days all I would do was drive him to the grocery and bring him home and he would cook us food. He always paid me $20 for the 4 hours I would spend with him. He had an attractive niece that would come around on occasion and I mentioned how I would like to do naughty things to her. He said we could fix the upstairs bedroom up and maybe I could get her up there sometime. So, we had the bedroom almost completed and were walking up the enclosed narrow staircase on day and all of a sudden he grabs ahold of my manhood. I’m in shock! It suddenly dawned on me that the nice, new bedroom wasn’t for me and his niece, it was for me and him! He told me that he had lube and that it would slide in easy and all. With me already being a little partial to that by this time, the only thing that saved me was the fact that he wanted me to do him, vs. him doing me. Well, no way that was happening as that wasn’t and isn’t my thing. In this life, I firmly believe that things happen for a reason, good and bad. I quit my job there that day and it was only a couple years later, he died of some mysterious disease that no one knew what it was at the time. The year was 1976 and he had died of what we now know is AIDS.

      That was about the extent of my memorable events in high school. After all, I was a jock, no jock wears sissy clothes or touch other guys junk, that is just queer!


  9. It's 0300. The "Dark Night of the Soul". I can't sleep because of the pain in my legs. Violet is passed out on couch, because she can't sleep because of all the thrashing and leg whipping she gets from trying to sleep in the same bed as me. Pity. I miss feeling her lying beside me and falling asleep to the whispering of her C-PAP.

    The upside to being awake at this time, is that it is 55 Degrees outside! :) The leaves are turning. Summer 2015 has held sway, and now begins it's fade into memory. Autumn is ascendant. The air here in the high semi-desert of Colorado will become cold and stable, for amateur astronomy, the "seeing" as they say will be very good. I am looking forward to seeing my old friends, the Winter constellations. I have a special place that I go to in the cold months. I only dare go there when Winter holds sway. Now it is the time of the Queen, the Black Widow and the serpent that rattles it's wrath. It is they're home, and they're time. I thank them for letting me tresspass while they sleep, awaiting the return of the Son. They know they're place and I know mine. The wheel turns.

    I feel old. Then I correct myself, and say, I feel "aged". I do not think we have to grow old. On the inside, I still laugh like a child and sometimes giggle a little bit when I learn new things.  A nervous "tick" I have carried all this way with me from that distant land I knew as my "childhood". This is Veronica's first Summer. She has been giggling, A LOT! I have learned so many "new" things. Learning keeps you young on the inside, were it counts the most. Like that epic song says "What a long, strange trip it's been"! Mabon, the "Autumnal Equinox" will occur, as close as I care to estimate it, at 0121 AM, in the chair I am sitting in right now! Thanks BB! Autumn and Winter are the seasons where I come alive! What can I say, I'll be the first to admit, I have ALWAYS known I'm a little bit different ! ;)

    I have it good. I am in such a good place. I am thankful. I'm not worried to much about the wrapper that the real "me" is wrapped up in. As a matter of fact, I'm quite pleased with my "wrapper" right now. I have lost a good deal of weight since this past December. My skin is so much better. The constant furrow  used to have on my brow is gone. Bummed about having to cut my hair, but hey, another upside? I don't HAVE TO wear pants, EVERY day, anymore. I guess it's true. When one closet door closes another opens somewhere! Veronica will have to step out of the closet soon. She is blessed. She has the love of a good woman by her side and the blazes of some interpid path finders to help keep her on course. Whatever may come, I am sure when she does step out, she will be radiant. So Mote It Be.

    Since Samhain is approaching, I've included one of my "Halloween" screen saver sketches.

    Growing up in New England, one can NOT think of the Hessian Horseman in the gloaming of the day.



  10. (Because this is too long to get to the point, I added the end at the top, and the rest can be considered background information. Sorry it's all over the place)

    Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet.

    I am done with them, and their BS.

    I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.


    My whole family exists of three people: Grandma (who lives a few hours away), Mom and Sister (who is married and has a daughter). My dad died 4 years ago, and he was the glue that held us all together as a unit.

    When I was a kid, my mom was pretty crazy, throwing things at people for no reason, beating all of us, name calling. I am pleased to say she has mellowed out now with her crazy antics.

    My sister and I were never close. I always looked up to her, but she never wanted me around. She always belittled me, embarrassed me, beat me. As adults, we rarely talk. My sister still refuses to call me by my new name because it's "not legal" and sees nothing wrong with that. This was a few months ago, and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her until she apologized.

    Before my dad died, my parents, sister and brother in law would always go to ball games, go on "family vacations" and always had BBQ's. I would never receive a call asking to join them in anything. I would always hear about all the fun they've had together at Birthdays or holidays, or those rare times I was actually invited over.

    All of the birthday and holiday plans are planned around my sister and brother in law family schedules, and mine aren't even considered. I work with a different schedule every week, and that makes it difficult to plan things. Especially when I go out of my way to make sure I have the Monday off then all of a sudden, the in laws need to have that day, so family plans get cancelled, and I don't get to go after all. Or travelling with the baby is so inconvenient, but then they do anyway. Or the bro in law has a sports game he needs to watch/attend or play.

    The next "story" is one example of many similar situations.

    The Thanksgiving when I was in 10th grade, my brother in law's mom invited my parents to their house for dinner. My mom just said, "we've been invited to go, so you have to come up for something on your own." A few hours later his mom called me and asked if I wanted to join them, as she didn't realize I was by myself.

    I came out to my family as trans shortly before my dad died. Mom and Sister have a hard time respecting my trans identity,  they keep up the tradition of excluding me in planned "fun" things. We even made a plan to show up at the funeral home to view my dad as a family, and when I showed up 30 minutes early (to be sure I wouldn't be late), they were already in there. Two years ago, I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. Mostly, I just didn't answer the phone or show up for my mom's birthday, my birthday or Christmas.

    My mom had called me after midnight sometime in January and I told her how terrible I felt with the way they treated me. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. She "didn't remember" the bad things she did when I was a child. In fact she called me a "little prick for lying"

    The next week, she had a heart attack, and me being me, I showed up to the hospital for support. My mom and I made a plan to start fresh. I thought it was going pretty well too. I made a post here about when Caitlyn Jenner came out and her interview, and my moms reaction. Things started to look up.

    My mom has this thing where she will make plans with me to visit Grandma, but then cancel them for my sister. Mom doesn't drive the freeways, so she would need to be driven. She has made multiple plans to come to me, then I drive the 2 hour drive. We have never actually done it, because she tells my sister, then all of a sudden, sister is driving. Sister has no room in her car because of the baby seat. Did I mention, I don't have a car, so I can't get to see Grandma as much as I would love to.

    The last time this happened the bro in law had a baseball game on the day mom and I planned to go, and because of that they switched days completely, and my mom didn't want to go two days in a row (which I understand that), I blew up and told her I had enough of them dictating the dates of these events, especially since we already had plans.

    Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet.

    I am done with them, and their BS.

    I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.

  11. After a good day of relaxing and playing music, yesterday was our trans discussion group's monthly outing to a restaurant (my first time going).  I decided I would wear my favorite jeans, harley boots, a really cool long sleeve long dark green top and new dream catcher necklace I purchased at the same store as the top. I wore makeup, packed my money, phone and cards in my new wallet, a nice pink Michael Kors clutch with wrist band, and take the bus.  I had a one hour ride to downtown, a 14 minute wait and a short ride to my destination which was a decent Greek restaurant.

    This was my second time going out dressed and wearing makeup and since I'm not yet on HRT, I am not passable at all....and I don't really care.  The first ride was very uneventful and when I got downtown, I waited in a glass bus stop along with a very pretty and tall black woman.  Since this was right downtown Gatineau (across the river from Ottawa) and the area has a multitude of bars and night spots, there were a lot of people walking around and I was curious to see how many times I would be noticed and looked at twice.  Aside from a couple of people staring a bit and an elderly lady giving me the "evil eye" (I just smiled back!), it was a lot less eventful than I would have previously imagined.  The lady at the bus stop even sat beside me and complimented me on my nails which was really cool!

    I met my friends, a group of MTF's and FTM's and had a great meal and even better conversation.  After the meal, we decided to head to a new chocolate/ice cream place which recently opened and when we got there!  The place was packed with a lineup about 40 feet out the door.  We waited in line and it was really worth it...great ice cream of all kinds with a selection of about 12 different kinds of chocolate dips!  

    All 8 of us stood out on the patio and talked for at least an hour before heading was awesome!  This was really my first time heading out into the "unknown" being my true self and it felt exhilarating! A couple of times I noticed some weird looks and stares but the feeling of being out as myself with people just like me and their friends out weighed any issue others might have with me...that belongs to THEM, not me!  A friend from the group gave me a ride home and I slept soooo well!

    This morning when I got up I had this crazy craving for steak and eggs!  I had the steak but not the eggs so I put on a pair of shorts, t-shirt and headed to the convenience store I've been going to for many years.  I still had on the nail polish as I usually keep it on during weekends and when I'm not working.  When I walked in I was curious to see if the cashier, who is a friendly woman in her 20's, would notice or say anything.  I got the eggs, went to pay and after waiting for the only other customer to finish paying, she noticed my nails and immediately said: "Oh wow, nice nails!!" to which I replied "thanks...I like the color and don't care what people think..".  She replied: "That's great, let your girl have some fun!"

    The steak and eggs tasted great....I think I'll have a good sleep again tonight...


  12. So today was my first endo Appointment. It did not go as I'd hoped, but not for the reasons i thought. I knew that I would not start testosterone today. Let me be clear about that, right away. I was however hoping that I would find out when I get to start. I got lost on my way to the clinic because Yale New Haven Hospital is a Zoo! New Haven is a terrible smattering of crazy drivers and one way streets. Think of it like as tiny New York filled with even more assholes.

    I was late even though I set out to be 20 minutes earl I was twenty minutes late. Got charged 6 bucks for parking at the hospital. Maybe I'm just a country bumpkin, but Charge me as I'm trying to get medical treatment, WTF?

    By ten minutes in it was clear that I wouldn't be starting soon, there was discussion of who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder? Was I not being clear enough? How hard do i have to hate myself before people help with the problems I actually have. I'm sick of doctors appointments and of doctors. As she explained what my body would do on T, i got the slight inclination that she was nervous. I'm not blindly jumping into this, it's not that I'm claiming I knew everything she told me but i did know I'm not gonna be a supermodel. I have no misconceptions that I may end up looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame and that T may make my insulin resistance worse... I don't give a damn. Also if one more person informs me that I'm overweight I'm going to lose my shit! (Is there some secret to weight loss that will help me lose 60 lbs in a week or month?) I have been patient I waited three months just to speak to her! Just not a good day at all. I'm so disappointed.

    Also i have the final draft of my spoken word poem I will post it soon.

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    We have got our divorce and I got full custody of our kids and I still pursued her for almost there years after our divorce because I still loved her with all my heart and was there for her every time she needed me but I guess it wasn't in God's plan because he was ready for me to be something greater at first I thought that was being a better father but as time passed I knew  that I could use some inprovment as a father I knew that was not it and I hate to sound self-centered but I have always been there for my kids and I have gave them everything I did not have as a kid they do come before anything and anyone including myself every breath I take is for them. But back to the story I knew god was ready for me to be a woman and I understand that now . I have never been as happy as I am now and as doing so it has  made me a better person and father well you could say women now and my kids are so supportive  of me and my parents are to and some of my friends are too Well at first they did not know how to take it but they are starting to come around and more open about the idea of me being a woman I know mom loves it because I help her more in the kitchen  and doing other girl stuff especially my daughter we have never been as close as we are now even though she has always been a daddy's - new mommas girl and don't take  me wrong either when I say mommas girl either because I don't ever  ever ever take her mom's place but it is sad when my daughter tells me that I'm the only one that does makeup and paint nails and all the other fun girl stuff we do together and her mot won't and as for my two boys I still love to get down on some Xbox 360 and going fishing, camping, and all the other outdoor activities with them to so I guess the moral of this story is don't be afraid to be yourself. If being different means not being normal then I'm glad I'm not normal as long as I have my kids I don't care what other people think about me if I don't like what they say then I don't have to listen like I said as long as I have the air in my lungs and my kids nothing else matters because when it comes time to stand in front of God he will be judging them and the I will have the last laugh. And remember people it don't matter if your Transgender, gay lesbian, straight as long as you are happy with yourself it don't matter what other people think you choose to let it get to you and you are not alone their are people out there that do care if not I would not be writing on this  blog so love you all and look up don't  let the trash talkers get to you keep thinking positive. 

  13. Sooooooo.......

    The weekend is almost over here, it's been a strange kind of weekend. Went to see the new Mission Impossible, which I would say is worth seeing if only because the other option is Fantastic Four. If you have ever seen James Bond, Casino Royale (the latest version) or have seen anything with Tom Cruise in it before, it's probably worth just going down to your local video store or online provider and just watch one of those instead.

    There doesn't seem to be a great deal of options in terms of new material movies around. They are either reboots or recent movies or just nothing which is breaking the ground. Even the Stonewall movie is getting bad press for being historically inaccurate (wait! Hollywood re-writing history.....I am shocked).

    On the smaller screen I am just about to sit down and watch the second installment of I am Cait which has had mixed reviews. Will stick with it and see how things go, but I am not really a committed TV programme watcher. I tend to wait for it to come out on box set or just lose interest.

    Whilst we are on about Caitlyn, somebody sent a 'funny' joke on Facebook earlier.......not that funny to be honest. But probably typifies why there will always be issues with being seen as 'different'.

    Anyway, as promised, have uploaded a few pics I have taken around the city the past week or so. If you like them I'll try and add some more as i take them.

    Have a good week

    Take care















  14. Learned about the concept, "Living Apart Together," (LAT), when I was surfing the 'net for "couples living apart happily," as I love my apartment and my town, Beacon, but miss having a woman (I am a cisgender Lesbian) to love and care about, because my community (Dutchess County, NY) is very TLGB-phobic.  My additional reasons are that I am a loud snorer, and have some other habits that I am too embarrassed to talk about.  

    Interestingly, "Living Apart Together," (LAT) came up.  Most of the information about it came from England, Australia, and Germany, with a little about it from the U.S.  This is probably because the U.S. is a relatively sexually conservative country.

    How it came about was in England, during their census (like ours, every ten years), they noticed starting in the year 2000, but dramatically increasing in 2010, a lot of handwritten comments on people's census forms, explaining they were somewhere between being single and living together.  The British government hired three universities to better explain this new social trend.  

    Most of these couples were monogamous, and had various reasons for being in LATs.  

    Also, without knowing it, I realized that I was in a LAT!  Was very much in love and went with a transwoman for ten years, until her friends started getting married (at that time, Holy Unions), and she wanted to get married, too.  Was very happy to marry her, but my reasons for not marrying was I knew Straight and Gay disabled people lost their disability benefits due to marriage, fear of bankrupting my beloved (she wanted to marry me anyways), because she would then be responsible for my medical bills and medications (at that time, insurance did not cover Gay partners), she lived ten miles off the bus line (she was ok dropping me off at the nearest bus stop on the way to work), and, as a butch, I was not comfortable with a fem supporting me.  Of course, TODAY, I would have had an "underground marriage," (very common even today for people on disability), and would have kept my public housing apartment, using it for storage and as a mail depot, while living with her, just visiting my apartment once a week to clean, check my phone messages and pick up the mail.  

    The advantages may be:

    • Be able to avoid getting "underfoot" with one another
    • Great for those who travel long distances for work
    • Be able to keep the relationship "fresh" and "special"
    • Be able to connect regularly by e-mail, telephone, texting, Skype and snail mail
    • Be able to be more romantic by sending packages and gifts

    ​The disadvantages may be:

    • In a crisis, may not be able to get together as quickly as you may want to
    • Both of you must NOT have trust issues
    • Won't be able to share quality time together on a day to day basis
    • May not be the best way to raise children

    ​Realized that my relationship was a LAT, even before they had a name for it.  Also, I realized had we moved in together, our relationship would have very likely been short lived.

    Today, I am open to a LAT, either as a prelude to a living together arrangement or as a permanent arrangement.  Would try a living together arrangement on a trial basis, and, if there are problems caused by living habits, return to the LAT arrangement.

    Here are some links about LATs:

    Would like to hear from others who have been in a LAT and/or living together arrangement and what you think about each!


  15. Tara

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    Your world can change immensely in one day. Days, months, and years of trepidation gall away once the switch changes. Decisions, once made and committed to redefine the way we engage with the world.

    in March 2015, I boarded a train for Montreal to take me to the Centre Métropolitain de Chirugie where my body world be transformed for the last time.

    The record of my musings was recorded in this existing blog. If You like what I wrote, please let me know. I may continue at tgguide.

  16. Magnolia flowers as with many plant flowers have perfect flowers or another term bisexual flowers. This means the flower has both a functional male stamen & a female pistil flower part. Also in nature some plants are mono-ecious, meaning male & female flowers are found on different parts of the plant. This is extraordinary to me because in nature it is so common place for organisms to posses both female & male qualities. A magnolia tree could be called transgender, without an...y other conditions or stipulations. If there is such evolving happenings taking place in nature all the time. Are we as human beings not part of this earthly experience? We are so caught up in female & male identities when in nature adapting to ever changes of environment is just all about preserving life. As long as the conditions within the environment are right, nature seems to find a unique way of reproduction.

  17. I really never expected this.

    When I first started out in this journey I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like in the end. I didn't care if people always saw me as a man who wants to be a woman. At least I would be honest. At least I was being me. I could finally let go of the pain of lying and projecting myself as male that I held onto for so long like some kind of comfort blanket... made of rabid raccoons - That kept me safe... in an emotionally scarring sort of way.

    20090410-IMG_9387.thumb.jpg.520698dd1e5e"I keep telling you, nothing's wrong - I always look this intense."

    For a long time that was the truth. Some days were better than others in the beginning. Some days I felt I passed and other days I felt like people could see right through my wig and my makeup for the drag queen that I was. As time went on and the hormones took their toll on my face and body I actually started to feel less passable. It felt awkward but at least it still felt right. Looking back on it, the looks everybody gave me probably weren't them saying to themselves, "what a freak," like I thought they were - it was probably them being genuinely curious about my gender.

    20150222-IMG_0183.thumb.jpg.c8dee5379eaa "Why yes! This is my natural colour!"

    Looking back on a journal entry from early in my transition I remember myself stating that I wasn't sure about going all the way - that being androgynous would be enough. Funny that when I finally made it there it felt so wrong. Fear is a strong thing and I think that was my way of coping with the fact that I might not have been able to look like a woman - coupled with the fact that for a while I wasn't able to unsee my male self when I looked in the mirror. When people looked at me funny, curious about my existence, I just wanted them to see me as another girl in the street. My hair had gotten long enough (and thick enough) and I was so sick of the uncomfortable wigs that I stopped wearing them. I started to look not really one gender, not yet the other.

    1176171_10154088183255462_89380222782187 "Just guess what you're looking at. No pressure!"

    Recently I was beginning to notice that the attention was waning. Something in me started to panic. Maybe it's because I had gotten used to people's stares, I'd gotten used to room full of people who would take turns staring at me until it seemed like everyone had done it at least once. I didn't even realize that people stopped looking because they no longer register me as anything other than... female.

    Wrapping my head around this is a little weird! Maybe it's because I thought it would never happen and for a while my inferiority complex (still lingering from trying to live as a man) wouldn't let me believe that I was being seen as a woman. The only time looks linger now is because they think I'm cute! The smiles people give me aren't sinister - they're genuine. New people don't do the double-take that they once did when I walked up to them. Chatting in a cafe just today when I brought up anything trans related my friend would lean in and whisper as though no one else in the coffee shop needed to know. It was our little secret and she looked so excited for me!

    20150616-IMG_9516.thumb.jpg.58dcba264596 "Why yes, I would like to show more leg!"

    Now I need to decide what to do with this. Two years ago I told myself that I would move out of town, change my name and start a new life if I was ever able to go stealth. But with all the support and new friends I've made I can see that was a decision made purely out of fear. I've already decided that being passable is going to work a lot to my advantage but in my career and in my life I really want to get into trans support and trans rights. Why vanish when I could do much more by being visible? Apparently being passable is helpful in that regard and while I don't think that's right on society's part I want to do what I can to change the general public's viewpoint. Somehow. Slowly, surely.

    Let's see what happens now. ;)

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    When I was a boy much like many of you I did all the usual things, riding skateboards, bikes, hanging with my elementary school friends etc. 

    My home life at this time was pretty odd, my father was a car nut and that was all he cared about when he wasn't working. All his free time and free money went into a host of cars. We as his family never knew from day to day what type or kind of car he'd come home in. So it didn't take me long to to search outside my own yard for companions. My mother and grand mother were always together at my grandmothers house watching their soaps and couldn't care less where I was or what I was into, so directly behind my grandmothers house was another house just on the other side of the driveway, this house was home to a mother, father and five girls. I can't even remember their names now save for a couple of them, but none the less. I became friends with them and hung out in their yard playing everything from dolls to making mud pies, then the house next to theirs was directly behind my house and a young girl lived there named Tammy. She and I became best friends quickly, the other girls that I played with next door were older and more interested in boys their own age, but yet remained friendly to me, but as far as playmates and companions they were not. Now Tammy and I had a unique friendship. I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old when we met. Her father and mother were strange people and fiercely overprotective of her and with good reason, she was gorgeous even as a young woman. I think she was 10 or 12 when we met. Now her father would not allow her to come into my yard or vice-versa. So we had to opt to play together through a woven wire fence where we'd spend our summers days sitting Indian style talking and playing, I'd put my hand through the fence and pass her hot wheel cars and I'd lie on my stomach in the dirt to hold her dolls upright so that we could play barbie dolls and this made her so happy and we had a lot of fun. What interests me is looking back I was always outside in my white fruit of the loom underwear and nothing more and I always remember her as being neatly dressed and groomed.

    Even to this day I think back and remember how my mother, grandmother etc; whomever was "babysitting" me always made me change into my undies before going out to play so that it'd make my school clothes last longer, but then again that was in the 1970's. Things were different, it was a different time. During all these summers I never ever pictured her as a sexual creature, it was all so innocent, then one day a family moved in two doors down from us.This is as they say is were the plot thickens....

  18. wpwyle

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    I woke up this morning feeling like this picture... so much of me and not sure how to spread myself so that i'm not defeated.  first of all, i love life.  i am finally enjoying being the person i've always been.  and not afraid to live it.  there is so much in the world that stirs me crazy, but one thing that will always stand strong and stand out - I'm a transgender human with lots of love for family, friends, and new people. 

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    I Have been following all the Jenner news.  This has stirred some of my recent thinking.  What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change.  I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful.  Women express this better than almost all men.  When I put on a dress I feel changed.  When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy.  This is the excepted image of men.  I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man.  When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing.  I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair.  I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change.  Here is another thought.  I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion.  Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body.  However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman.  Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.

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    So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life. 

    People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them. 

    I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo. 

  19. Image3.thumb.jpg.e94e657bcef887c31a667b9

    A couple or three months ago, I discovered a new channel in my cable channel line-up, and in doing so, spotted "Starsky and Hutch" in the primetime programming.  I hadn't seen it since it went off the air, though I did see the 2004 movie.  I've been watching the 1975-79 show since then, enjoying the action, and seeing things I never saw before.

    What?  :huh:

    I watched "S&H" religiously.  I even remembered that the show, at least for a while, came on on Wednesdays.  So why wasn't I able to sit back and watch the show and think to myself on occasion, "oh yeahhhh... I remember this episode!"  It was like I was seeing each episode for the first time night after night.   After about two weeks, I started googling stuff about the show - something you couldn't do back in 1975. 

    How can someone who was such a fan, remember only the characters?  Oh, and the opening theme song.  I also liked that big cannon of a .357 Magnum that Hutch used.  And I remember that brown and white cardigan that Starsky wore on occasion.  I even had a similar cardigan.  I loved that cardigan.   However, show after show, I failed to recognize any of the episodes.  Every so often, it seemed like a memory was about to be triggered.  And eventually, there was a scene in one episode that I thought I remembered.  Or maybe I just convinced myself that I remembered because it got to the point that I felt like I had to remember.  I should remember.  I didn't even remember the touchy-feely-makes-you-wonder-if-they're-gay-lovers-but-they're-always-after-the-girls kinda characters.

    After a couple more weeks of watching "S&H" reruns, and still not recognizing any of the episodes, I started wondering why.  Yes, I liked Hutch's gun - I had a toy gun similar to his when I was a kid.  And I liked Starsky's cardigan.  Did I mention that I really like that cardigan?  :lol:  And that sweater I had made me sorta feel like Starsky.  Then it hit me - I couldn't remember the show itself because of Starsky - I wished I was Detective David Starsky.  With that .357 Magnum (instead of Hutch).  That's why I can't really remember any of the episodes.  When I watched the show each week, I apparently "stepped into the TV," pretending to be Starksy.  I was the cop that got into shoot-outs, wild chases in that slick lookin' Torino, always lost out on the pretty girls to my partner.  Hutch was annoying like that.

    Now that I'm older, and have found different ways to be me...I can sit back and watch "S&H" for the first time.  But I guess somewhere deep down, I still sorta wish I was Starsky...