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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
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Our community blogs

  1. No one here will be surprised when I mention my need for information to make ANY life choices, small or large, and vacation is not an exception.  I really don't understand my head here.  Researching the options = fun and entertainment to my brain, but actual specific planning sends me into a tailspin of resentment for my time and energy being sucked into the process. 

    So I'm always reading new things about everything I'm into, including cruising, and I like to read those 'things I wish I knew" and 'get the most of f your cruise' type articles, and I did learn a few new things, like despite neither of us like fish Nikki and I are going to try a bit of sushi for the first time ever, we never knew that the Tamarind (one of those you pay extra to eat at places) has no extra charge at lunch, only at dinner.  So we agreed to try it, if only to put a stop to all the 'how can you know you don't like it, you never treid it!  Best place to try suspicous new things is on a cruise, where they will bend over backwards to find you something you like if you don't like the new thing.  It doesn't always work out great, on the Royal Princess i tried the cheese mousse.  It sounded okay on the menu...but on the plate in front of my I nearly lost my nerve.  It smelled like rotten feet, and it visually looked like baby poop.  Other people all around were me eating this thing though, so okay...but no, it tasted like my nose tells me baby poop would too.  I can't believe I ate that. *Shudders*

    So this article is all about getting the most for your money, and has 10 tips, and 9 of them I already knew and vetted, but the one I hadn't tried said that booking through your cruise will cost you up to twice as much, and you get less.  The author then mentioned three third party tour services that guarantee on time return to your ship (because that is one of the big things, a ship will NOT leave you if you are booked on a tour THEY sold you, but if you are on your own they will leave you on time because every minute over costs them thousands in fees at a port).  So I googled the websites, and started looking around, and that author must live in Colorado and have taken a break when they wrote this one point on the list to smoke somethine, because not only was there not more variety (Really, shoudln't there be more OPTIONS at least if these company specialize only in tours where a crusie just vets enough to keep its' passengers happy?) they ALL cost more.  Not one would have saved us any money, and it had LESS options, the rain forest we  are going to tour through the ship cruise in Puerto Rico (El Yunque) didn't appear in anything at all.  If I'm being kind I'm going to assume the author has possibly out of date information, and the cost trends have shifted, entirely possible if a service gets big enough with enough loyal customers they stop undercutting the competition to get started after all and start looking to increase profit.  At worst that author was going to sell us all out. 

    Follow up on that information, this world really is out to get us all. 

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    Recent Entries

    Today is St. Distaff's Day. Compitalia, celebrating the household Gods. Today we honor Frigg and her followers, the "Freefolk". "Partly work, and partly play Ye must on Saint Distaff's Dayu" the old adage goes. It is also time for me to "shield in place". I need to take a break from the constant ups and downs regarding "my" dysphoria. My affliction. Tired of facing inward and trying to fix something that in the scope of my life? A lot less of an "issue" than it needs to be, considering. What? Well, let's throw out some things shall we? I have recieved some excellent "counseling" from someone who says my dysphoria is NOT my biggest concern. OK. Good to know. My counselor is a pretty decent person. Specializies in helping people who's professional lives expose them to some very traumatic stuff. I was amazed at how good this person was at getting me to talk. Good to find someone I can be comfortable with. A person that is familiar with the "problems" people who work in compartmented "projects" all they're lives can develop. I thought I was lossing it to Paranoid schizophrenia! The counselor just laughed at me and said "No, that's called self preservation. Johnathan Pollard actually existed. That actually happened. Your pretty much screwed for the rest of your life, just stay frosty and relax". Showed me this picture and said if you can balance these? Your mental health issues will be skosh. When I broached "dysphoria"? Push me over with a feather, the counselor replied "You'd be astounded to know just how many people I deal with could use a little clarity on THAT subject". Love them Doc's that don't beat around the bush! 

     

    id-ego-superego.jpg

     

    How is your 2017 going to go? I have a good idea of how mine is going to go. Lots and lots of time in medical facilities. Lots of appointments. Lots of testing. I am VERY HAPPY about that. This flurry of medical activity surrounds my Soulmate and not me. She is FINALLY going to get the medical assistance and screening that she deserves. She is. not me. I am working on my "blackouts" and my manic depression issues, but for now, I am good. I have a mea culpa. I have NOT been a good spouse for a while. My prediliction with my tripartite self. I have been selfish. So, there you go. "Ronnie" is a steady state for me. 50/50. MODLOC. I have a lot of "new" things to deal with. I can NEVER drive a car on public roads EVER again, unless it is the most dire of emergencies. I can't get on an airliner. I wouldn't be able to fly a plane. I'm not even supposed to operate power tools without supervision anymore! But that doesn't mean I have to stop living or caring about the awesome folks I've met here. 

    I was going to leave this site and then I thought, why? It can help me. Hopefully, I can be of help to someone else. I have 41 and in a less than a month, 42 Y E A R S invested in the person that I DO love most. Violet pretty much is my Universe and she deserves better from me. Sure, some will say that I may be "disengenious" with regard to the "community". That I am not being "true" to myself. Really? I exist in a different "plane" than most people. The person who is my betrothed is also a Petty Officer in the US NAVY, like I am. She saved my life. That's what she does. She can make a towering Marine break out in a sweat by snapping a rubber band, holding a syringe and saying "Need to draw some labs". The only things that can make the USMC hesitate? Godzilla and Hospital Corpsman. Oops, my bad. Hospital Corpsman THEN Godzilla. Got to preserve the natural order of things as the Creator has made them. Nope, for me? This fight isn't about a community. It's about my sanity and I am the ONLY one that can fight it and that means being in it to win it. I may never be "complete", but I promise, I will try NOT to be boring. But I'm not that salty so having a wingman? PRICELESS. I know she always has my back. BRAVO ZULU Doc! 

    So for this new blog, I chose "Scutum" because I need a shield right now. Something that will insulate me from the Demon I have just gotten to go back to sleep. Scutum is called "Sobieski's Shield" in some places in Europe. Jan III Sobieski was a bad ass. Your writings here and how you look at the World and what you are doing to cope and  just the minutiae of our everyday existence can be the exact thing I need to stabilize when I start to get wiggy! 2 anchors are better than one. I have Violet and I have you all. I am blessed. Monsters from the id. They're real.

     

     

     

  2. I figured I should write something today.

    It's way too hot and I'm feeling sick. I'm also in a lot of pain today, but I'll deal with it by just going to bed now, at 6 in the evening.

    I played some piano today. Wanted to play this song for my mom, she liked it, so I'm happy. It's very messy, I rushed this recording because my camera battery is going flat.

     Somewhere Over The Rainbow-1.m4v

    I'm going to bed now. Feeling meh. 

    Sorry, keeping it brief.

    All my love.
    Charl

    -o0o-

  3. Although professionals and others, after reviewing my history and story, have assured me that I am transgender that's been a hard pill to swallow at times. I always come way wondering if I might have consciously or unconsciously told them only what I wanted them to know or in a way that manipulates their judgement. And even if I accept that I've been as transparent as I can be I have then questioned their authority to make the determination. This has all been so exhausting, like running the wheel in a hamster cage. But I think I'm coming to an acceptance that I am what I am, and I am transgender. I hope this blog post will provide an example that might help others struggling with this question.

    So here's what I did: a couple of months ago I started compiling a history of memories and trans feelings/experiences that I grouped into categories by age and school (for when I was younger). Not all of my memories came to me at once so I added as I thought of more of them. It helped to write them down because it's so hard to keep all those details in mind. That process helped a lot but it wasn't complete. A few days ago I added a one or two sentence summary of that time period that kind of distills what came up for me during that time period. 

    Wow. It is what it is and at this point I think it's undeniable. Here's the whole thing as of today:

    Emma’s TG History

    <6 years: preschool and kindergarten 

    Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy.

    • Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it.
    • Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.”
    • Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschool
    • Playing with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would think
    • Playing with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters

    6-12 years: grade school

    Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs. 

    • Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st grade
    • Wished I could be a mermaid
    • Wanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear?
    • Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop. 
    • Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on bars
    • Unexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for me
    • Bedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie.
    • Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly.
    • TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched
    • Favorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of Thomasina
    • Wanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school

    13-18 years: junior and high school

    Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable. 

    • "Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for me
    • Hand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetings
    • Trying on girdles from Goodwill bag
    • Cutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bed
    • Bought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me.
    • Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the evening
    • Lake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely.
    • Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautious
    • Stole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom 
    • Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing 
      • Found yellow girly panties on lawn
      • Found multicolored panties in HS parking lot

    18-24 years: college

    More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be.

    • Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dorm
    • Halloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out.

    Twenties

    More clothing and dressing.

    • Found navy blue dance panties in parking lot
    • Bought leotard and tights at dance store
    • Bought leotard at flea market
    • Halloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours.
    • Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless.
    • Wearing leotard/panties during sex

    Thirties

    Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing.

    • Wearing panties and nightgown during sex
    • Visited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared.
    • Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerie
    • Lingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockings

    Forties

    Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal.

    • Accumulating very small wardrobe
    • KOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie.
    • Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated.
    • Serious suicide considerations
    • Carla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, other

    Fifties

    Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist. 

    • Bringing leotard and tights on business trips
    • It all emerges again: much more exploration
    • Confrontations with my wife
    • Serious suicide attempts, much consideration
    • Clothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store…
    • Gender therapist’s confirmation
    • Attended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with gender therapist
    • Participation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLife
    • Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed

    Sixties

    With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own?

    • Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both.
    • Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed
    • Coming out to family and friends: all going relatively well
    • Increasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transition
    • Attended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people.
    • Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided her with edits for her next edition.
  4. 2017

          A New Line Drawn In The Sand

     

    So here we are, yet another year. 2016 was to say the least not a year that brought much happiness or progress in my life. It’s funny to think just how life works out; at the start of 2016 I was in such a good place. I felt I had done the right things and had done what people had told me to do to succeed in life: however the thing is no matter what you do in life, no matter how much you plan, pray, achieve or succeed, the world, life and maybe even destiny has a completely different road for you in store that will end up leaving you clueless, scratching your head wondering why?

    My journey has not been a straight line and I know it sounds cheesy but quite often has been up and down, zig zags, twist, speed bumps and sometimes even at time complete 360’s. As of this time last year exactly I wrote in my (what is a very expensive diary) by Demi Lovato is   this following entry

    ‘Dear Diary… First things first I can’t believe I'm actually writing in the 35 dollar book. TBH it is a big rip off. Are the pages made out of the most exquisite paper? Anyways what’s going on with me? I kind of love this busy period of my life. It makes me feel that I have a grasp on life. Work is going good and I am little excited to see where this will leave me. Summer school tomorrow. Hope I can continue the motivation and complete everything I need. Frightened yet excited…”

    This is compared to a diary entry I wrote in late august 2016 of some lyrics I quoted of a song that represented everything I felt to the core of inside me.

    ‘Your memory is breaking my heart. Ill pretend I'm okay with it all. Act like there’s nothing wrong. Is it over yet, can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? “

    My 2016 self was to be very correct in her concerns and she sure should have been frightened for what would soon come. Who knew the person writing this would have left school only 2 months later, on a bender of drugs and crime that never ended.

    It’s a very hard thing move on after you've had so much pain, loss and suffering followed with making bad choice after bad choice and crossing that line so many times, that you’re so far distanced past that line you begin to barley remember it exists, why it was there to even begin with. I’ve been travelling over that line since I was 13 and sometimes I do have to wonder if I’ve travelled so far past it and stamped so many times across it, that my own line doesn't exist or it is so far dusted out that if not at all gone, barely visible where I'm far beyond ever getting back to that little girl I left behind that line. Maybe it’s time to take my own advice and acknowledge that little girl, the pain and damage I and others have inflicted and draw a new line in the sand with a hope of a better tomorrow'

    This is 2017 though I remind myself, let’s try and reflect as much as we need to in order to learn, process and move forward with our lives however not dwelling on the past and finding that balance between reflection and then moving forward. A lot of my previous blog post since deciding to get clean have been about self-reflection and about the bad times throughout 2016 and telling some of the impacts of those bad times and choices throughout 2016 had on me from physically throughout to socially, emotionally etc. I admit to you that I do write those blog posts in order to try and help others on their journeys, bringing some awareness and doing whatever I can by speaking out. I also admit I get more out of writing it for my readers then my readers get reading it. I thank all my readers who read my stuff whether it be friends, family or someone from around the globe. You all help me get to a place where I am now, I can’t even express in words what I get out of writing this.

     

    This moves me onto my next thing I wish to talk about in my new year, a new chapter. Being in my second detox stay. Being herein such difficult times such as being in here throughout new years and being in here with such strong incredible people and hearing their stories has washed over a me a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the life that I lead and all the gifted things I have been blessed with and not just from now but since I was brought into this earth. So many young people out there have been dealt such a shit hand in life since the beginning whether it is from physical abuse, being in foster care, being kicked out of home or even left homeless. I hear such sad Stories and even remarks...

    Wait scratch that, NOT SAD stories BUT courageous, strong and inspiring stories of such young courageous lionhearted beautiful people. These stories and remark s make me so grateful for all that I have been given, such as loving and kind parents and family, a roof over my head with heat and food plus filled with privileges of nurture and celebration. I think it is so important to have a grateful heart. I have written before in a previous post about the importance of gratitude and appreciation but I feel each day I learn just how much this is true.

    I am thankful for my second chances, the ability to be able to live in a world filled with services and places that are graciously there to help you along your journey, my second chance at VCE and like above my loved ones followed with finally my sobriety.

    Thank you so much for reading this, like I've said I've gotten so much out of this and I appreciate all the kind and supportive comment and messages. Please if you think my blog can help anyone out there please put them on to it. I am always free for a chat if anyone wishes to talk.

     

    ‘Dare to be something more’

     

    Hunter hayes

     

  5. Latest Entry

    Hi all!

    So my recovery seems to be going well. I had my follow-up with the surgeon and they removed the packing and tubes. That felt so much better! They showed me how to dilate - wasn't too bad.

    Yesterday I came home - I've never been so happy to be home! Recovery is easier in my own place with my own stuff.

    For 4 weeks I have to dilate 4x a day for 20 minutes each. I'm still working on my positioning, it gets a little uncomfortable and tedious, but I'll survive :-)

    Otherwise for now it's a lot of TV and reading. Barring complications I should be able to go back to school and my internship the week of the 23rd.

    At a more fundamental level - as swelling starts to recede it's easier to see what I have now, and it's pretty awesome 👯 

    More later!

    Xoxo

    Chrissy

     

  6. In my opinion, there are three kinds of people when it comes to celebrating the holidays. 

    The first group of people had wonderful memories of the holidays.  Even if they came from dysfunctional families, sometimes all the dysfunction stops during the holiday, and, however so briefly, everything is "normal," or even idealistic during the holiday, before returning to the dysfunction of everyday life.  Often, as adults, they strive to recreate these idealistic holidays they enjoyed as children, which is often unrealistic and leads to frustration. 

    The second group of people had nightmarish holidays as children, usually caused by dysfunctional and addictive behavior by the adults in the family, which the now-grown children strive to "put right" for their children, only they often have no vision of what a healthy family celebration should look like.  If they are lucky, they may have functional/healthy neighbors and friends to show them what a healthy holiday celebration/tradition looks like. 

    The third group, by far the smallest, were lucky to have a functional (although not perfect - no one's perfect!) family life and holiday celebration.  Often they are able to replicate it as adults, but not always. 

    Here are some alternatives to celebrating the holidays:

    • Volunteer during the holidays, ie, helping out at a soup kitchen or at an apartment complex for seniors, nursing home or Adult Congregate Living Facility.  Also consider helping out at a hospital, preferably a children's hospital.
    • Contact a LGB/T - friendly travel agency, and ask about cruises and vacations during the holidays.  If you are single, ask about Christmas vacations that are geared for singles.  Often, holiday excursions are deeply discounted.
    • Go out to a restaurant (especially one with beautiful holiday decorations) with a friend or relative that has no one to celebrate the holidays with.
    • Instead of gifts, make donations in honor of friends and family to charity.  This is most important when it comes to well - to - do people, who are often very difficult to shop for.
    • Shop year 'round for the holidays, if you can, instead of the last minute.
    • Celebrate the holidays year 'round, such as treating friends and relatives to lunch or giving surprise gifts, and then on the holiday itself, call them or send them a holiday greeting card.
    • Cut back on sending greeting cards.
    • If you are artistic, make greeting cards.  There are often free or low cost classes on how to do this, as well as ideas on the Internet.
    • Explore a hobby during the holidays, such as creating artwork, writing or making music.
    • Look at http://www.meetup.com to find holiday alternatives in your locality.
    • Some churches and organizations put on holiday parties on the date or near the date of the holiday.
    • Contact your nearest LGB/T Center for any holidays they may be celebrating or parties they may be giving.  Many have these occasions on the actual date of the holiday.
    • Seek out others who may be alone for the holidays, and celebrate with them.

    You are not alone.  Remember almost all people experience stress during the holidays and for a variety of reasons.

    You can, reduce holiday stress by taking the time to finding your way of celebrating the holidays, instead of following how your family celebrates the holidays or copying how others celebrate the holidays.

  7. Reflecting back on the year 2016 I've very pleased with the decisions I've made and new friendships made. Now it's time to see what happens as hormones progress changes to my physical and mental attributes as most know as years go by hormones tend to incrementally change one's behaviorism and I have noticed in the past several months a noticeable change not per-say in moods but how I react to things and events that several years ago I would had reacted totally different than today.

    Thinking about assimilation into a female role where many leave the trans world behind at my point in my journey I'm still going to mentor and assist those less unfortunate then me in regards to being able to transition with virtually no issues while the majority are on the opposite end of the spectrum. When not with transgender people I never bring up the topic unless someone else starts a conversation e.g. "I've noticed a surge with transgender people..." and is not directed at me but with a group of people.

    Had a conversation with a cross dresser recently who heads up a cross dresser group indicated 99 percent of those who transition in her group leave the group and want nothing to do with them anymore. I said, can you blame them? Personally I rather see them do that but hopefully some will mentor others who's goal is to transition and need someone to assist them.

    That brings up an interesting thing, while out with a cross dresser group last weekend one of the girls said her future son-in-law was coming and that he is also a cross dresser and his future wife knows about this, wow, times are changing. I'm learning that many couples are accepting of their cross dressing partners but a few I talked to said if they even consider transitioning they were done with them, in short they married a male and need a male yet accepting of their partner showing their female side.

    It's a brave new world emerging. 

      

  8. As much as I am a women, I remain a man inside


    I am living as girl on 24/7 basis, and I enjoy every minute of the wonderful experiences I receive from my bipolar transgenderism personality.
    As much as I live as a girl, I also live myself in his shoes and carry on the responsibility of being a man.  The importance of being a 2 nation theory personality is key in having dual characteristics of attributes.

    As I wonder about my long term goals, for surgery, I am unable to transition due to Family purposes. Now ask yourself if you are to go to surgery, you have on back of your mind, a lingering thoughts of your own financial burden, well the question answers itself automatically.

    I love living as her by receiving positive gestures all day long
    but I need to do my job as himself in order to sustain a paycheck to paycheck at end of every month, which is important.

    For instance the job where I work for, I couldn't have done it without being him!  That's why I have dual genders for purpose of attaining employment. 
    I have said it before but without negative impact, if I were to get a real job as transgenders person in a straight man's world's, I would have it by now, but I don't, as I wasn't so lucky in my endeavors! 
    At least that are my experiences I have to share with.

    Well in conclusion, I have to keep my job, as far as surgery is concerned, it will be after 10 or 15 years depending on financial support I get.  
    Well it's season of greetings and hope and togetherness!  I hope everyone has a great Merry Christmas and wish happy new year 2017 !

    Visit Shazy Jeo on YouTube channel videos 
    and check out http://outcast-all.com for all those living abroad individuals feeling homesick, or Misfit students anywhere, and don't forget to see (A to Z list section) there is something for everyone !

  9. Kitrah

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    Latest Entry

    Updates.

    I have some positives since my absence. I think my therapy had been coming along nicely. I've been becoming a lot more comfortable with being transgender and a lot less intimidated by what people are thinking. At times, I feel like I've given too much of myself away and the rest I have just locked away. I've been trying to find a way to reintegrate myself into society. I've met a handful of people who have been helpful, most are not. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop at times, trying to find the one key that's going to open the door to the good life. 

    In some ways I feel betrayed by life, like I don't want to be this. No matter how I view it, I feel like I am going to always be viewed as less. Thinking on these things just leads me to darker places. 

    My therapist has been suggesting to me to attend at least one transgender event so I can connect on some physical level with others who are going through this. I've been considering it a lot. 

    I've started switching my wardrobe around, wearing makeup at home, focusing more on who I want to be. I feel going slow through this has allowed me to better experience this in a positive way. Knowing that this will be completed at some point is my light. Theres also the whole what do I want to do then? I have a few ideas in mind but the best so far aside from my hobbies is to help other people get where they need to go. A possibility would be social work. 

  10. Latest Entry

    Update - 12/6/2016

    To say that a lot has happened since I last posted is an understatement. I will post more later.

    I am currently recovering from FFS surgery on Dec 2nd. I had a brow reduction & lift. Upper eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty, fat transfer to the cheeks. Chin reduction and shaping and tracheal shave. Tomorrow I have an appointment to hopefully take some of the stitches out and splint on my nose..

    I have been off from work since Dec 1st and will be returning to work as Lisa on Dec 19th. I changed my name with the court and my name and gender marker on my SS card. In a few days, I will be going to the DMV and later the passport office to change my name and gender marker there as well.

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  11. Good day all

     

    Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me.  What I did I don't actually know.  But this is the steps that I took.  Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere.

     

    In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote:

     

    My bio

    * 36 years old

    * police official with sergeant rank

    * from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back

    * 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall

    * 64kg (145Lbs)

    * naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed

    * love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing)

    * no children, but also not planning on any in my near future

    * Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still)

    * Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual)

    * marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;=

    * friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female

    life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing

     

    This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by.  I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time.

     

    Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves.

     

    Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked.  And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else.

     

    I don't say, fear me, as I am human.  But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me.  As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean.

     

    My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do).  So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser.

     

    Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me.  To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move.

     

    This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me.

     

    Ps.  I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE READ BIO's BEFORE SENDING REQUEST.  NOW THIS IS A POST INTRODUCTION, SEEING THAT SOME NEGLECTED TO ACTUALLY READ IT IF THEY HAVEN'T KNOWN THIS ABOUT ME.

     

    In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive.  I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness.  But seeing that I'm not looking for a  relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile.  I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier.  And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot.  With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth.  I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank.  I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong.  I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully.  And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police.  Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket.

     

    I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time.  Others I just want to stink bomb some offices.  If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself.  I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete.

     

     

    Love and Hugs

    Michele

     

  12. Latest Entry

    I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a few weeks. It was a recommended course of action by the psychiatrist at the GIC and so I signed up. :)

    AI couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity in one of our sessions. Yesterday I had another one. 

    I have to give myself more time to grow into myself. Into the 'new' me.

    I've spent so much time and energy in the past year trying to speed things along, with GPs and the medical profession; trying to prove to others that I need treatment and I need to transition; trying to convince everyone that I am what I say I am, that I haven't given myself time to experience it. 

    To feel it.

    I am changing - and I have refused to acknowledge or even recognise those changes. I've been so wrapped up in trying to get from A to B that I haven't stopped to admire the scenery or enjoy the ride.

    So I am slowing down. I'm not going to get anxious about the T not affecting my body as rapidly as I'd hoped. Because, it IS affecting my body. And it's affecting my mind. My personality and my disposition.

    Last month, my prescription was late. The delivery of the hormone was late. I went five days without it. At first, I was annoyed and anxious. By the time it arrived, I had realised that I was actually calmer and less aggressive than I'd been for a few months.

    That was a surprise at the time. I hadn't noticed how much it had bumped up my aggressive tendencies until it was gone. I explained to the therapist that I had noticed this about myself. Guess what she said?

    "That's why the RLE is so important. It's not just about proving you mean what you say to the medical professionals. It's about giving yourself time to experience and understand the changes you're making. To your personality as well as to your body. You're becoming a different person even if you've always thought of yourself as that person."

    That was a bit of a light bulb moment for me. Sounds silly, but I really hadn't thought in those terms before.

    I'm a little embarrassed to admit that.

    I had always thought that I knew who and what I was. I thought the RLE was a step I had to take to prove who I was to others. 

    Now I know it's more important to me to view it as a step to take to learn and accept who I'm becoming.

  13. Latest Entry

    In the thread, The Ladder, Monica expressed her desire to read the entire poem from which I took four lines to use in a post in that thread.

    The poem doesn't flow very well - I just hammered out enough words at the time in an attempt to rid myself of the hurt I was feeling at the time.  I might have been trying to write thru tears in the middle third of the poem.  It wasn't until the last four lines that I was able to bring it all into some kind of statement --

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  14. Latest Entry

    Why is everyone that is not my doc (family that is ) worried about what is or not between my legs or if i have GRS .  it is really  not any of their concern .......ugh   , i came out to you to let you know who am not to try and control my life or my journey ............

  15. Latest Entry

    Anyone miss me? Yeah, me either. You havent missed much but I figured I'd post an entry just so people dont think I died or something. Not sure if I'm even relevant anymore but, yeah.

    So here's an update.

    No surgery. No responses from insurance, no responses from GLAAD or any of the LGBTQ+ Advocates for NH nor anyone else I wrote to. No one seems to give a flip and that doesnt really surprise me...

    I'm still dealing with the MPD stuff, all eight of the obnoxious whiners -,_,- My life in a nutshell.

    I still dont have the money saved up. I barely have 600$ saved up and my hours got cut for the summer season. I work the bar and get tips but guess how much I got in tips tonight after 8 hours in a hot bar? .....$0.50...

    Last week? $1.00

    My surgery is going no where and my thyroid problem has gotten more annoying. Normally people are on 50mg, I'm on 260mg and it hasnt helped at all and my levels havent balanced out. I dont get it...

    I'm back on my Youtube channel though I feel like no one watches it anyway.

    Anyhow, here's links to the Youtube and the facebook group page. If you feel like it, go stare at my randomness and maybe poke a few buttons.

    Button poking is fun.

    (https://www.facebook.com/DubstepHeartbeatYouTube/?fref=ts)

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    (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8FWRfZBHaU46LzyhAJoL7A)

     

    -Warren

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    BottomNote:

    Met a fellow LGBTQ+ person when I went to an Orlando Vigil in NH (vid on my channel), and he was awesome and helped me feel better about myself.

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  16. Ace

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    Hi this is Ace.  I am looking for FTM or MTF friends in Rochester NY.  Many of my friends have dumped me or moved west (the dumping due to my FTM status.  I need friends in Rochester NY who will understand me and be good friends.  I am alone alot although I am married long story).  Please check me out.  Thanks

     

    Ace

  17.    Who doesn't love a hand full of skittles every now and then? No, I'm not going to go into any commentary on candy at this time, though. My subject is actually about love in diversity, namely the LGBT community and more specifically the pride flag. Although this site is geared more toward Trans...(fill in the blank) and our flag is a flag of different colors my intention isn't really about colors. The rainbow has been used as a significant symbol throughout our world's history. In the 16th century, during the German Peasant's War the rainbow flag was used to symbolize a new era, hope and social change. The rainbow flag represent the city of Cusco in Peru. It represents Buddhism, In the 1920's it represented the International cooperative Movement, which stood Unity in diversity and in 2001 it became a logo for the I.C.M., placed in the middle of white background. Each color representing different meanings: 

    • Red - Courage
    • Orange- visions of Possibilities
    • Yellow - The challenge that Green has kindled..
    • Green - A challenge to strive for growth
    • Sky Blue - A goal to achieve global unity 
    • Dark blue - Helping those less fortunate
    • Violet - Warmth, beauty and friendship  

    In 1961 the rainbow flag stood for Peace. Then in 1978 Gay Pride!

         Yup the good ol' rainbow flag in unity and love. The colors have traveled around the world to arrive in this day and time as a symbol of hope and an expression of courage . It has been told that in various countries that gay men signaled others by the wearing of a specific color. In England they wore green carnation, in Australia the color was yellow, usually in the form of socks. At one time, somewhere, the color was purple, as in "Purple Power". During the holocaust a pink (gay) or black (lesbian) triangle was used for the prisoners. Now brought together in the form of a flag that not only represents rights but also pride. 

         As the story goes that the original rainbow was created by the Hebrew/Christian God as symbol of a promise with love. Now please don't take me as a hater when I say that it should be returned to be just that, a promise with love or in love. I don't mean in love with your partner, but in love with each other as a whole. This world needs to learn to love one another. Across the oceans and across the land. The rainbow flag needs to be spread over the globe not only in the homosexual community, but in all community, all cultures,(or sub cultures) in all society. Remove all labels and just as the colors of the flag came from around the world let it now fly around the world in love and unity in diversity.  

  18. Latest Entry

    So I have to move out my apartment due to breaking up with my ex. Which is great! it's great because though we get along and we will always be friends, we need different things from our partners that neither of us are going to get. I am packing all my junk, and realizing I have way too much. As I pack though I found tons of pictures of me from what I call the dark ages. The Dark ages were the period of time after high school but before college, a whole six years for me, in which I went back into the closet and suffered a period of self harm and also a mental break down. I survived through a period of sever depression that I didn't even realize I was going though until I was lying on my bed with a butcher knife. I realized how dark I'd gotten I vowed to never ever let it get that bad ever again. 

    I feel like if I don't share this part of my life than I'm not being straight with people when I say life gets better. This part of my life that led me to who I am today. This time of my life that made me realize that nothing matters if you can't find that happiness in yourself. That there is nothing selfish in transitioning, but its wicked selfish to kill yourself. I say that because of the potential each of us has that is wasted when cut short. I know the insanity of fear and the desperation that comes along with it. I also know that taking your own life in your hands can be the most powerful and freeing feeling in the world and there has never been any grater feeling in my life than that gift. It was a gift I earned by staying alive despite the pain along the way.

    As I Sit in my bedroom packing all of my belongings, trying to breathe as this cold ravages me, I cannot help but be excited for the road ahead of me. I am terrified and yet so emboldened by the fear that I have this duplicitous euphoria. Today is May 27, 2016 and I am Benjamin Crowley twenty five nearly twenty six year old black transgender man living in the United States at time feels terrifying and electric at the same time.

    Terrifying?

    Terrifying because as I grow older race, which had never been a problem for me and mine, is becoming an odd affront to society. Actions that others take for granted I never previously would have thought were racially motivated have become a stark raw truth to be being black in America. I feel nervous as I transition that people will interpret me differently because of the projection of my identity into a public spotlight. This however is at the back of my mind as I sort through my things.

    At the fore front is the power held in the words, “I am enough.”

    I am enough. Similar words blazed though my head four years ago nearly to this day as I worked a warehouse job slaving into the night earning more money than I knew what to do with. I had no kids no titles and no self-worth. I had let others dictate to me what my future held and in the stagnant space between their idolization of the hardworking young black woman whom earned her keep I found myself in a great state of melancholy.

    What does it mean when you have everything you could materialistically want and are still unhappy?

    I weighed 150 lbs. and had kinky over processed blond hair, a nice body and a sad smile. I hated myself. The person they all knew, who wore punk make up and listened to green day… she was a lie. She was only happy when it rained, hated bras and wore heels in a defiant streak of masochism.  It wasn’t until she faced self-demolition did she realize that what everyone though she was wasn’t her at all.

    In fact she wasn’t even a she. Never in her head did she see herself as a ‘She’. In her head her self-reference was always ‘I’ and when it ventured to the dangerous gendered lands of pronouns she, realized, had always been a he. So where was she now? Hiding in conformity because she was scared of losing everything she had. But she was already loosing…

    This path she was one would never make her happy. So he cut off all his hair. Stopped wearing make-up and heels. Stopped bleaching his hair. Stopped starving himself to be pretty and started loving himself a bit more every day.

    Started college. Manically picked out masculine clothes. Introduced himself as Ben. Learned self-love and proudly thinks, “I am enough.”

     

    Thank you everyone again for you viewership.

  19. Leo Tyler

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    It's been 8 months since I have been on HRT, and I am feeling great. It's amazing how smooth my process has been. I am a senior in high school and I already have my name and gender marker changed legally and I am living my life authentically, I am extremely proud of how far I have come in just 2 years. I have opened so many people's minds about my community and I have been given so many opportunities so represent my community. I can't wait to experience more!

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    I would like to dress as a female, but can not because I live in a all male shelter. But I do wear female panties under my male underwear all the time every day.

  20. So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender.

    I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though.

    I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'.

    This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that.

    I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool.

    So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone :)

    p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D

  21. Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. 

    I miss my cat.

    I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name.

    I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. 

    I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. 

    Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face.

    Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

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    Joined this site a few days ago after many years of fantasizing wondering what it would be like to explore what i was really feeling inside. Did some deep soul searching and realized that to feel complete, i have to explore and sort through my emotions. I have been supressing and fighting my true feelings. I am on a fact finding mission. This is the first i am expressing any of these feelings. It feels good talking about this.

  22. Trans Workers UK is a Facebook closed group that advances Trans rights in the UK workplace, I'm a member of the group and regularly advice is sought and given by trans workers on most aspects of being trans at work. However by far the most numerous postings are for trans who are still "in the closet" as far as work is concerned, who are wanting advice from those of us who are fully out in the workplace and in life. Most of these folk have come up against the societally conditioned old barrier, that they'll be ridiculed, or lose their jobs and workmates, this is by far the biggest hurdle that we have to overcome, it's our pre-judice, based on experience in society at large. Most don't realise that it's 2016 & not 1975 anymore, and that attitudes have moved on.

    Anyway I posted my recent experience to help them overcome their fears;

    "Last week my employer (a County Council) sent me on a Fire Risk Assessors course, with a view to my carrying out Fire Risk Assessments for the Council's properties. This sort of fits in with my existing role as a H&S Advisor. Anyway I was kinda nervous about attending the course which was held at the Firefighting College in Moreton in the Marsh. I had imagined it as being a very male orientated place, and half expected to be stared at or have the occassional joke or wise crack made at my expense. I couldn't have been more wrong, I was pleasantly surprised to find that doors were held open for me by smiling young firefighters, who were also very polite. I thought wow, if anyone had told me 3 years ago that I'd be wearing knee high boots, treggings, leopard print top, make-up and attending as a woman at the firefighters college, I'd have said "yeah, in your dreams". But there I was doing it. So to all who are contemplating gender change at work, but think it's impossible, think again, I've done it, it's so much easier than you might think. No, as a male I was not a small built effeminate man, I was a 100 kg 5'10" bloke with wide shoulders and narrow waist, and yeah, I thought it impossible to do what I've done, and yet here I am as Eve, my true self. I hope that this helps to inspire others to to do what they really want and not hang about wasteing time, I regret not doing what I did much earlier in my life. Good Luck to you all xx".

    Cheers,

    Eve