Blog

Featured Entries

  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
    • 30 comments
    • 6,012 views

Our community blogs

  1. CW: mention of suicide, sickness, depression.

    I don't know what sickness I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm bleeding a lot, which is just a part of my haemophilic nature, but being sick, bleeding, and generally just feeling awful isn't helping. I have work to do, but I don't want to get out of bed. I'm struggling with my "employers" - which is to say the people who have a signed arrangement with me to produce them work, but now they're not paying me and I'm struggling. I wonder what the point is of having a job if being jobless is exactly the same with slightly less stress and deadlines. I'll push ahead anyway, but yea, feeling awful. I got meds, which is nice, so at least the worst of the symptoms are held at bay. If anything, the reason I'm getting out of bed is because I'm hungry as hell.

    I slept about 3 hours last night, which is good. That's about average for me and I should get through the day. One of my best friends is leaving town for a week, and I know it sounds pathetic, but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. They've kindof kept me grounded over the last year of my worst depressive bouts and helped me through my suicidal episodes. I'm better now, but just feeling down, knowing they'll be back in town in two weeks.

    Anyways. I'm hungry. Just here to whine a bit.

    Love
    Charl

    -o0o-

  2. So it's crazy busy season at Nikki's job and he hasn't had a day off in weeks.  He MIGHT get one day next weekend, but it's also equally possible he'll work five weeks strait with no days off until the Christmas shutdown for the eve and day.  And while he's upbeat about it, all the overtime is paying for our next cruise this spring for his birthday and his dad and stepmom are going (I love his dad, his dad is awesome.  His stepmother stresses me out, shes a nice person overall, but she gets randomly weird without warning and creates really awkward and unpleasant moments out of nowhere and talks in a kindergarten singsong voice ALL the time).  So that keeps him going.

    And in an effort to make his home time as great as I can, I spent an hour in the kitchen working on an awesome lunch.  I pan fried some boneless chicken in butter, onions, and garlic, then cut it up and tossed it with four cheese tortellini and dressed it with a roasted garlic alfredo sauce after I added some extra carmelized garlic and onions to the sauce, all the while baking some fresh bread.  I laid it all out on the table so he'd see it the minute he got him, and I went to the bathroom.  For a minute.  And when I came out...you got it...my miscreant thieving pooch was standing on a chair helping herself to our lunch.  And she absolutely knew better, the minute she saw me she immediately went into the guilty phase.  *headdesk*  So we went out and had a nice lunch, but all that effort.  At least there didn't seem to be enough onion to make her ill, onions are not healthy for dogs and I don't let her eat them.  It's impossible to watch this dog 24/7, she gets into things.  Two years ago there was an emergency vet run after she at THREE POUNDS of Christmas cookies.  Her stomach was SO distended she couldn't stand up when I got home, and did she stop eating them at some point?  No, she ate til they were gone and she couldn't stand up.  *shakes her head*   She didn't get to the bread, so we ate that for a snakc later, and I saved a bunch and sliced it up and am drying it out tonight to make french toast tomorrow. 

    And...I was so mad.  I didn't do anything about it but whine a bit, but sometimes the small things just get to you, ya know?  People are always saying don't sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it's just about how you feel inside and not about the actual trigger of those feelings.  Nikki gets me however and didn't try to put down my frustrations or minimize the annoyance while focusing on figuring out what we wanted to do now that lunch was gone.  He has learned a LOT in therapy, and we have a connection better than we ever had before.  And he just lets me be me, even when it's irrational and disproportionate as long as it's not manifesting in a way that would harm someone.  They say people can't change, but the reality is we change every day.  Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little.  And when we spend an effort to change together, the pay off is huge.

    We set a game day for Thursdays to just do something fun, connect in a fun way with no stress.  Mondays we have a conversation slot for anything that is on our minds, in a completely safe zone.  Anything can be said, and nothing is left inside festering.  Saturdays are hobby days, where I join Nikki for movies (he's way into movies, I'm not, but I bring whatever I want into the living room and work on it while watching the movie with him, compromise between my ability to just sit and watch something that makes my add crazy and his enjoyment of it).  And it sounds so silly, and it did sound silly even to me when I came up with the plan.  But...it's been several months now, and it's working.  We don't stick strictly to the schedule, sometimes the talks are Tuesday for example and moves are Sunday, but they get done every week regardless of what day.  It flies against the grain of everything I had been taught by my family about how marriage works, and I was hesitant to bring it up to Nikki, but he and I were talking about it the other day and he loves it.  He doesn't always think to tell me things on his mind in the bustle of our day to day live, so cuddling up on the couch with a hot chocolate for talk time focuses him on letting me in, and gets me to open up a lot more than I do normally when I'm in the mulling it over phase.  And he can poke at the add and dysmorphia in that setting without freaking me out. 

    Things can be worked out.  But only if you let yourself feel your feelings.  I guess my moral of the day to myself is it's okay to be stupidly angry that my silly grand romantic dramatic plan & presentation were ruined.  It's not about the dog behaving badly, or the actual food, but about all the effort I put into it and expectation of a romantic lunch time and making Nikki happy that got ruined.  It's okay to be mad. 

    It also got stupidly cold here, so I caved and gave Nikki the thermal underwear and parka jacket I got as Xmas presents.  His old one was ratty and he's never liked shopping for boring old necessities.  He'll shop til the end of time for cool tshirts or dresses, but getting him to spend five minutes replacing worn jackets, socks, underwear, etc and it's like I just kicked his pooch.  LOL  I felt bad watching him freeze when I knew I had these warm things hidden away.  I'll have to get something else for under the tree now.  And it really did get stupidly, abruptly cold.  It's snowing.  And it was raining earlier, so I'm very happy today that I don't have to go to work and deal with the ice sheet hiding under the light powder dusting.   I need to make a list of staples I want to stock up so if we get any bad storms we can afford not to care about grocery shopping for a week or so. 

  3. A life of Drugs, parties, sex and crime

    VS

    A day in the life of detox and sobriety

     

     

     

     

    As of couple days after posting my last week’s blog I got the call from my councillor letting me know that there had a bed become avaible at a detox and if I wanted to I could go in as of Tuesday. Today’s weekly blog post is aimed to hopefully provide some insight as to my first week in detox, the pros, cons, challenges I had any just the life I’ve been leading whilst in here.

    I begin my detox journey being picked up by my councillor who makes way to my house at 9 am. The earliest I had probably been in up in a while. In the hours the night before I had organised to see my father and any family that I could to say goodbye and let them know of my arrangements. When I got the call originally I jumped up with glee and was excited beyond any measure. Any fears or possible nervous scenarios that might play out later seemed not to be in question, only the promise of a better tomorrow and hopefully Blair. I had already done so much work prior to this phone call. As you all would have known from my prior blog last week I had been sober more than 2 weeks and had increased my runs to 2 a day. I had already so much under my belt and had been doing this myself with ought any assistance from a detox centre etc. so I was not concerned as much, to be honest I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder with my pre-existed ideas of how easy life was going to be in here since I had done it on my own already, However my stay so far (on day 6 writing this) has had so many ups, happy memories, laughs and genuine progress on my road to recovery it has had its time of stress, tears and breakdowns along with self-doubt and any other unpleasant emotion I had suppressed seemed to come out. I am very lucky that I write this sentence; I have had not many repeated experiences with the negative but majority more of the positive but from my experience from some of the other lovely people I am sharing this detox unit with have at time struggled beyond any pain I have and I will not sugar coat that, I feel I am simply a person who has just been able to adapt to this new adjustment a lot easier than others and my life situation before hand may have been more easier or whatever term you wish to use to them. When I did arrive at the unit my fears and anxiety surely did kick in. I can say that there was only one other person in the unit when I arrived and I will say (with respectfully leaving there details anonymous) that I have connected and had such an enjoyable time with them and already have plans for future when hopefully we may meet again in other rehabilitations or just in life generally. This was very fortunate and such an advantage to my first few days in the unit, as I do know in the past when I attempted a detox stay I was faced with people who honestly scared me and made me fear for my safety whilst also making me fear for my own recovery there. I did arrive and for the first hour or 2 was on edge and especially more after my councillor had left me to settle in. I remember tho just wanting to unpack and settle in. Something about unpacking seemed like the right thing to do. I completed this very quickly whilst pacing up and down my bedroom, which I might add I am so lucky because the facilities in general are so amazing, honestly it is better than my own bedroom. Anyways I needed up letting my anxiety take control and it honestly felt like de ju vu from the last stay and already in my head pacing was ‘get me out of here’, ‘this is not for me’, ‘this will be like last time’, ‘there’s no way I can continue here’, ‘there’s no way they can help or support me anyways’. From listening to other peoples stories on their first days and just in general the workers stories on what a lot of other in stays are feeling are exactly the same and I do know for a fact that a lot of my readers are reading this because they are on the same journey as me whether that is if there in detox, rehab or even in there parties stage hoping to get clean and get it together. This is mostly why I write this week’s blog about this as I do feel that by sharing my experience in a detox program after sharing my battles with drug addiction and whatever else I have shared and how I did cope and manage in a detox program PLUS by sharing truthfully my fears and any troubles I may have had along the way to help provide some insight and maybe get my readers who maybe wish to go into a detox program to receive help can take some comfort away from my own experience in here. So as I did say those pesky thoughts did race through my heads and I already thought within the first 2 hours that I was going to bail. I will say this tho, honestly and I mean honestly if you are afraid of going in to a detox program because you’re scared that you will be one of those people who get to the door and then 10 minutes or if not straight away turns away and goes back home (which I add was my reservations to and a lot of other young people out there too) that the people working in these facilities and the companies in general honestly do not mind nor take any offence at all. This was one of the conversations I was having with one of the workers here and they honestly told me that they have so many young people end up leaving the same day or at the door BUT that was okay and they said to me good on them tho for at least even trying, if they couldn’t do it this time, maybe next time and good on them for at least taking a step in trying and WANTING to get help. This is honestly so true, I know it sounds cheesy and some outreach workers who may be helping you get into a detox etc. will say all this but you mauy7 think ‘yeah that’s what everyone says’ but I am telling you it’s true. 

    Continuing on I did do the typical ‘take a few breaths, look at it from outside your head and emotions’ and I actually and am proud that I did, used one of the things I learnt of the headspace app which in summer is all about mindfulness and helping with mental health etc. and the technique I learnt was to image my mind, emotions anything I think or am dealing with and imagine a road and that the cars are all of those thoughts and feelings. It told me in a session that it is human to want out onto the road, stop the cars, divert them, send them in opposite ways, whatever but in the end we end up with a mess and all these cars (thoughts and feelings) crashing and becoming an explosion. Instead of taking this human instinct try and train yourself to sit back and still allow yourself to experience these emotions (watching the cars on the side of the road) but allowing them to continue on  within there drive and let them leave. So I sat back and took a deep breath and in that moment with using this technique allowed myself to come up with a reasonable solution. I realised that I knew that I was ready, that myself doubt was perfect normal and it was even more perfectly normal to have fear and anxiety to new environments and situations. I decided to take a leap of faith in my own strength and did what I knew I had to do to make my stay possible and to be continued on. I knew for me that I needed to just leave my room and jump in, ripping of the band aid if you will. I went down tackled the kitchen and the setup of helping yourself. I used the lounge room to watch my TV show on my laptop instead of isolating myself in my room and when the opportunity to dive into9 the program which on that day was arts and crafts (even though arts and crafts made me have my own reservations) I still took it and aloud myself to experience new things. I am no Picasso but I did allow myself to try and expe4riance and have a laugh and painted myself a canvas and write a nice quote on it15368900_564139483781659_1723914478_o.th

     

    Diving into the program, engaging in conversation and opening up and showing small acts of kindness to the other people I am staying here with, helped me adjust in so much easily as it suddenly felt like a place of acceptance and a place I could make my own. Some of you reading may have a harder time adjusting or might find that my technique of ripping the band aid off or even if your confidence in a social situation may be a bit harder than I recommend just telling the workers there. They are there for you and to help you with your stay there and how to make it as comfortable as possible, don’t ever feel like you’re bothering them or like you shouldn’t as that is what they are there for, however I do know that it is really hard when you do have those reservations as even at time to time I do to. 

    The rest of my week at the stay has been so jam packed with act ivies and outings such as tree surfing, movies, pools, gym etc. I have taken up every opportunity possible whilst also proud to say have been at the gum and pool every day at my stay here. That is another great tip for your stay here which has worked for me and that is to use any drug sustaining methods or things to focus your mind on in your stay when things are hard and apply them or alter them in some way to make them possible whilst in the unit. Mine since my first day of sobriety has always been fitness and though I can go for a long run, it has just been easier with my situations here to go to the gym and pool. This has made me feel like I’m achieving and doing something with my time when things do get bad. I will not act like there haven’t been downs, luckily they haven’t been constant and honestly have been small but I have used that method to help cope. As I have said there are many ups I have experienced in my stay here which has been the support, the hospitality, the outings, the distractions, the socialising, friends, company HOWEVER there has also had its cons, as with everything. The cons would be that sometimes you do have to compromise and adjust your standards a bit more then when living at your own home as you are now living and working in a team, this is honestly the biggest piece of advice I can give you. You are now living with workers and other people in the unit who all want to do their own thing and have it there way and we all know it is super hard at time to be working in a group and having to work in teams. I will admit this has been my biggest challenge as I have not always seen eye to eye or liked some of the things others have said or have maybe bucked heads a few times but it has pushed me to continue to work in a team, mature and become more reasonable and kind so I am thankful for that, however I will not lie at times I do want to tear my hair out (whatever little I have anyways). Other cons would be that sometimes you do feel home sick and things are not always as easy and the things your used to having around you are no longer there, it is a big adjustment and you do have to be strong but there are support systems in place to help work around this, otherwise it would not be possible.

     

    This is the end of my blog today and I do apologise to anyone reading if I have blabbered on and on but I will admit this was supposed to be focused more on the days here and the details but I did end up turning it into trying to maximise my thoughts and feelings here and turning my expe4riance into advice for others who are on the same road or who are looking into detox programs as I know that I would of loved to read something similar before I was going. I do see my family tomorrow and the rehab I hope to enter which will be exciting, I am so tired and exhausted from all the activities, fun and hard work I’ve been doing and had here so I will end here. Thank you so much for reading and please if anyone has any questions or just plain comments please find me on my Facebook page (link provided below) and feel free to contact me on there. I leave you with some personal pictures of my stay here so far from tree surfing, I hope you enjoy. 

     

    1_sophine_it_looking_fab.thumb.jpg.9ee5fblairs_muscles.thumb.jpg.cb6f1c35fe15a6b

    blair_looking_even_more_mighty_fine.thumblair_looking_mighty_fine.thumb.jpg.41a6

     

    *any people in the picture have given consent and permission to their picture being posted in my blog 

    Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/BlairJamieTransteen/

    Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/blairb98/ 

    Snapchat- Blair.hill982  

  4. I’ve recently joined a closed group on Facebook where the majority of male to female members will post pictures of themselves and ask if they pass physically. Just about every since member who post and ask if they are passable indeed passable.  Having been on this journey would like to offer a small piece of advice which is forget about passing physically and focus on your female voice.

    When I or any heterosexual male or female encounters a female without thinking “are they really female” expect a softer voice then a male voice. When the female speaks in the same tone as a male that will make the heterosexual male or female wonder or think “is this really a female”.

    My guess is many male to female transgender or cross dressers realize this already but want to stress that this can not only lead to people wonder about you but also may very well cause them to be embarrass and infuriate them to incite a mindset to cause you physical harm.

    There is only one method to circumvent this when out in public which is to practice speaking as a cisgender female does. For many it’s not easy, like myself I had to practice, practice, practice. The most difficult part as one gets older is to not only train your voice but also to retrain your brain.

    Example, as you close to finish speaking your brain says “now I can relax” and attempts to to back to the male voice if for no other reason that it’s easy while speaking in a female tone is hard work especially keeping a conversation going.

    If you can afford to take voice lessons even for a few sessions this will assist in building a proper foundation for what you need to do later to keep up appearances both with your physical looks and sounds that come out of your mouth.

    Several times a month I go out with several cross-dressers and transgender groups in my area and I’m the only one, say out of twenty that use a female voice. All of them speak like men and if they didn’t speak the majority would pass one hundred percent as cisgender females. Do they go out in public? Several do yet are known to locals as cross-dressers and never will pass.

    For the next part a little history.

    I joined a cross-dresser group who are located 40 miles from me back in 2000. At that time I was not even trying to transition in the public and never made it to any of their events which are several times a week. Another group opened in my immediate area and they have one member who belongs to the other group (40 miles away). The decide to meet here in my town in a gay bar, I thought, great, finally get to meet them.

    Went to the bar, walk in and there is this thirty something cisgender female with a guy sitting at the bar, she looks at me and says, hi gorgeous, you smell sexy. I said thanks, got my drink and sat down. Five minutes later she come over to my table, sits down next to me and we start chatting. Shortly there after the one cross dresser group walks in, they are all wearing prom dresses (the theme of the evening, not be thou). I wave at them, remember they don’t know me and they stare until I wave them over. I introduced myself and the night was fantastic. Later on the leader said that when I waved and she looked over she thought we were two cisgender females and was dumb founded that I was post-op as my voice passed with no hints of male.

    Fast forward to last weekend, the leader of that group was suppose to be down by 8:30 but arrived at 7:30 (I've been there since 7). I greeted her and said, thought you would not be here until 8:30? She said, I know you don’t stay late and wanted to talk to you which I thought was cool. Had a great conversation to say the lest. Another member who didn’t know I was trans or post-op was told by another member and was shocked at how well I controlled my voice.

    Pause: Although my voice is not a 100 percent it’s fully passable. Even to this say I do warm-up exercises because my brain will still fall back into old habits.

    With that I want those who have decided to read this far to know that it’s not easy (some may disagree but they are the minority), one must be committed to not only appearing as a female but make efforts to speak the part too. 

    Have you heard Autumn? https://autumnasphodel.com/222/transgender-female-voice I feel the same as her in regards to mindset. There are plenty of resources on the web so thre is no excuse not to try.

    The power of the mind is incredible

     

  5. Latest Entry

    Good evening all

     

    Yes a retrospective look at what is what...

     

    Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand.  It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.

     

    So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself.  I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man.  Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons.  And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.

     

    After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter.  Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind...  And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got.  But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and  that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.

     

    What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat.  Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything.  From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse.  Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me.  And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.

     

    Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is.  We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were.  So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.

     

    I reached my happy spot.  And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact.  The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual.  And this individual is transgender.  Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase.  What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through.  If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me.  Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at.  A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself...  Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me.  Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be.  Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes.  The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.

     

    Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.

     

    XOXOXOXO

    Michele

  6. Kitrah

    • 2
      entries
    • 2
      comments
    • 215
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    I had another talk with my roommate so we are on the same page. She was asking me if I was planning on doing the surgery. So I said, "Why wouldn't I? I've been lied to my whole life about this." She went off on a tangent and said something along the lines of, "So you're really doing this because you feel you have to." My response was, "No. I'm doing this so I can be made whole." To someone who doesn't have to deal with the issues of being transgender, there's this assumption that it's all mental. In my case, it is also physical. And in my own head, it's spiritual as well. I want things to match up for once. 

    I've been putting a lot of time into working on my voice and started working with that upper register. It does take some time to switch between the two but I have no problem using my natural voice. I just feel like I've held it inside for so long that hearing it shocked me. My roommate has been wanting to hear it, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it just yet.

     I've been playing it back on recorder studying it. And I'm pretty happy with it. With lowering the voice I don't think the tone is much deeper but more forceful and amplified. I also notice that the faster I talk, the higher it gets. And my laugh, just sound female so I have tried not to laugh much. I really am glad the male hormones didn't affect my voice. 

  7. Latest Entry

    I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a few weeks. It was a recommended course of action by the psychiatrist at the GIC and so I signed up. :)

    AI couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity in one of our sessions. Yesterday I had another one. 

    I have to give myself more time to grow into myself. Into the 'new' me.

    I've spent so much time and energy in the past year trying to speed things along, with GPs and the medical profession; trying to prove to others that I need treatment and I need to transition; trying to convince everyone that I am what I say I am, that I haven't given myself time to experience it. 

    To feel it.

    I am changing - and I have refused to acknowledge or even recognise those changes. I've been so wrapped up in trying to get from A to B that I haven't stopped to admire the scenery or enjoy the ride.

    So I am slowing down. I'm not going to get anxious about the T not affecting my body as rapidly as I'd hoped. Because, it IS affecting my body. And it's affecting my mind. My personality and my disposition.

    Last month, my prescription was late. The delivery of the hormone was late. I went five days without it. At first, I was annoyed and anxious. By the time it arrived, I had realised that I was actually calmer and less aggressive than I'd been for a few months.

    That was a surprise at the time. I hadn't noticed how much it had bumped up my aggressive tendencies until it was gone. I explained to the therapist that I had noticed this about myself. Guess what she said?

    "That's why the RLE is so important. It's not just about proving you mean what you say to the medical professionals. It's about giving yourself time to experience and understand the changes you're making. To your personality as well as to your body. You're becoming a different person even if you've always thought of yourself as that person."

    That was a bit of a light bulb moment for me. Sounds silly, but I really hadn't thought in those terms before.

    I'm a little embarrassed to admit that.

    I had always thought that I knew who and what I was. I thought the RLE was a step I had to take to prove who I was to others. 

    Now I know it's more important to me to view it as a step to take to learn and accept who I'm becoming.

  8. My wife recently asked me if I feel that I am female "inside."  If I am transgender, then doesn't that mean that I consider myself fundamentally female?  It turns out that those are questions I've asked myself and I am not confident I have the answers to.  After all, how can I ever know if you and I see the same color let alone if my thoughts and feelings are female?  

    To try to answer these questions I try to look at the facts that I do know and then draw a conclusion:

    • I know that since preschool I've envied girls and women.  This has been a constant throughout my life, often considering what it would feel like (and wishing I could feel it) to be one. I thus feel it's certain that I have gender dysphoria.  
    • My childhood was shadowed by a clinically depressed mother and an absent father; their relationship was pretty emotionless.  I was an only child, and was often navigating rocky shoals at home, trying to please my mother or just remain out of her focus. Some have written that a single mother's attention might encourage some to "become transgender." Well I'll tell you, there are some parallels but we did not have much of a relationship at all let alone one that would encourage me to look at her as a role model.
    • Even in preschool I had shame about my envies of girls. In kindergarten when I played with the girls at their play-kitchenettes I was sure that this was shameful. My shame around my GD was a constant that developed into depression for me.  

    Some ideas:
    1. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's treatment of me expressing my gender dysphoria.  This might explain why I automatically felt shame even in preschool and kindergarten.
    2. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's attitude, disposition, depression, and treatment of me (in general).  Why not? 
    3. My gender dysphoria may thus have arisen from my childish observations that girls had it better. My home life was pretty awkward at best so it seems natural that I would wish I had it better. I sure liked some of my friend's mothers. It was like I instinctively knew what I was missing.

    My gut tells me that the answer is #1, so that's what I'm going with. Okay, but am I female in my head?

    In an email to my therapist a couple of months ago I told him that overall I always just wanted to be small and treasured. When I wrote it I felt a shiver like, "yeah!" He noticed it too, telling me that it was an important observation. Small and treasured does dovetail with what I imagine I'd be if I was a girl. I'm sure women outgrow most of it but I imagine it's always there, like a foundational right of being female.  

    But I still lack an answer: am I female at heart? I struggle to know. I'm not that unhappy with my life as a sensitive, thoughtful, and fun male.  It's just that something feels missing.  In Dara Hoffman-Fox's book "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery" she writes that these kinds of self-doubts are very common. It's as if we have an internal Protector who is fed off those "am I crazy?" doubts that creep into our consciousness and are so hard to silent.  We need to acknowledge and thank our Protector for her attention but consider her advise carefully as it is often presented in ways that prevent us from moving forward.  

    Yesterday I wrote another email to my therapist.  (Thank goodness he supports this.  It's so important for me to have these touchstones with him in between our meetings.)

    • As a child did I want to be small and treasured, and not receiving it, envied girls and thus wanted to feel like one?

            - or - 

    • Did I want to be a girl, and thus be small and treasured? 

    I think it's the latter but it's hard to be sure and seemingly impossible to know. What I do see is that 'small and treasured' is a common denominator for me to this day. If that supports me as being female inside then so be it.  In the meantime I'm satisfied in the knowledge that I have gender dysphoria, that's it's perfectly okay and normal, and that I'm making my own progress in my own time.  

    Emma

    P.S. I just looked at my profile and see that I joined TGGuide on 10/27/14.  It's less than a week from my 2-Year Anniversary!  Maybe I should use Birthday instead? It feels like it.  I've grown so much over that period with so much support and guidance from our members here.  As the Grateful Dead sung, "What a long strange trip it's been."

    Thank you all.

    • 0
      entries
    • 0
      comments
    • 3988
      views

    No blog entries yet

  9. Latest Entry

    In the thread, The Ladder, Monica expressed her desire to read the entire poem from which I took four lines to use in a post in that thread.

    The poem doesn't flow very well - I just hammered out enough words at the time in an attempt to rid myself of the hurt I was feeling at the time.  I might have been trying to write thru tears in the middle third of the poem.  It wasn't until the last four lines that I was able to bring it all into some kind of statement --

    Capture.thumb.JPG.a6517817626f4eb42c5b36

  10. Latest Entry

    Why is everyone that is not my doc (family that is ) worried about what is or not between my legs or if i have GRS .  it is really  not any of their concern .......ugh   , i came out to you to let you know who am not to try and control my life or my journey ............

  11. The following is an article that a friend sent me, with which I really resonate with.

    "Wondering what relationship stage you're in right now?  Here are the nine relationship stages that all couples go through, not how love starts."

    "Relationships are unique.  No one experiences love in the same way."

    "You may have been in several relationships in your life, and every relationship is unique.  But there are a few traits that are in common with every relationship."

    "Relationships, just like life, have their own stages.  It starts off with infatuation/limerence and goes through several stages.  These stages are like tests that check your compatibility with each other.  Go wrong anywhere along the way, and your relationship will take the brunt of the fall."

    "Have you ever met a couple who seemed like they were going to stay together forever, but ended up breaking up a few years later?  Perhaps, in all probability, they went wrong in one of these stages of the relationship."

    "Are you in a new relationship?  Or are you in a seasoned relationship with someone you've been with for several years?  It doesn't matter how long your relationship lasted because all relationships will fit in one of these relationship stages."

    "Find your own relationship stage here, and it'll definitely help you understand your own love life better."

    "Stage #1  THE INFATUATION STAGE.  This is the first stage in every relationship.  It almost always starts with an intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to be with each other.  Both of you may be intensely sexually attracted to each other, or both of you may just love the cuddles and each other's company.  In this stage, both of you overlook any flaws of each other and only focus on the good sides."

    "Stage #2  THE UNDERSTANDING STAGE.  In this stage, both of you start getting to know each other better.  You have long conversations with your partner that stretches late into the night, and everything about your partner interests and fascinates you.  You talk about each other's families, ex's, likes and dislikes and other innocents secrets, and life seems so beautiful and romantic."

    "Stage #3  THE STAGE OF DISTURBANCES.  This stage usually forces its way into a happy romance after a few months of blissful courting.  Do you remember the first fight or angry disagreement you and your partner had?  For the first time ever in the relationship, both of you confront each other over a conflict, even thought it's sorted out quickly."

    "Stage #4  THE OPINION MAKER.  In this stage, both of you create opinions about each other.  As the months pass by, both of you know what to expect from each other, and you make an assumption about your partner's commitment towards the relationship."

    "When these opinions and expectations about your partner differ now and then in real life, it can either leave you ecstatic OR depressed."

    "You don't expect your mate to buy you flowers, but they do.  You feel ecstatic.  At the same time, you expect them to pick you up from the airport on time.  But they arrive an hour later because they forgot all about picking you up.  It depresses you."

    "Stage #5  THE MOLDING STAGE.  You have your own expectations from an ideal partner.  And in this stage, both of you try hard to mold each other to fit your own wants in a perfect partner.  This stage is a lot about give and take, and both partners constantly try to subtly convince each other to change their behavior towards the relationship.  This can be a power struggle, and one that can end the relationship if both partners are domineering."

    "Stage #6  THE HAPPY STAGE.  If the relationship survives past the MOLDING STAGE, both of you may have changed equally for each other and understood each other's expectations.  In this stage, the relationship cruises along perfectly and both of you may be blissfully happy with each other."

    "Almost always, this is the stage when both of you feel like an ideal match.  You may even decide to get engaged or get married.  This happy stage is also the stage of attachment when both of you truly feel connected to each other and love each other intensely."

    "Stage #7  THE STAGE OF DOUBTS.  It has been several years since both of you have been in a relationship with each other.  And somewhere along the way, doubts start to creep in.  The intensity of the doubts depend on how happy both of you are in the relationship."

    "You start to think of your past relationships, your ex's, and other prospective partners.  You tie your happiness in life with your relationship.  If you're unhappy, you blame it on the relationship."

    "In this stage, you start comparing your relationship with other couples and other relationships.  Would your relationship survive this stage?  It definitely could, as long as your relationship isn't monotonous and repetitive."

    "Stage #8  THE SEXUAL EXPLORATION OR BUST STAGE.  This is the stage when your sex life starts to play a pivotal role.  Both your sex drives may change or one of you may get disinterested in sex."

    "In this stage, you either give up on passionate sex or constantly look for ways to make sex more exciting.  If sexual interests start differing here, one of you may end up having an affair.  But on the other hand, if you find creative ways to make sex more exciting, your relationship could get better and bring both of you a lot closer."

    "Stage #9  THE STAGE OF COMPLETE TRUST.  This is the happy stage when both of you love each other and trust each other completely.  But at the same time, the unbreakable trust in each other could also turn into taking each other for granted."

    "In this stage, both of you know the direction of the relationship and both of you are completely happy with each other and find it easy to predict each other's behavior and decisions.  But with stability in love comes the urge to take each other for granted."

    "As pleasant as this final stage of love may be, it's still no excuse to take each other lightly or stop appreciating each other, because love is an intense emotion that can be rekindled by anyone else at any time if you fail to express your romance to your lover."

    "If you're in a relationship for a while, you may have experienced all OR most of these relationship stages.  And if you're still in a young love, don't let the dark side of these relationship stages scare you."

    "Instead, look at these nine relationship stages as stepping stones into a better future, one that's filled with a lot of love and happiness, just as long as both of you remember to keep love alive all the time."

    ---  Denise S.

    And, now, I would love to hear from you, my fellow TGGuide members, whether or not you resonate with this article, or which parts you do and which parts you do not resonate with.

    Your friend,

    Monica

     

     

  12. My FFS surgery is scheduled for 12/2. My full-time date at work is 12/19. I am still part-time, but dress almost all of the time, except work. I have been on HRT for almost 17 months and filling in nicely.

    My name change order came through. I was going to change my license but have been sick the last few days. With work, I haven't gotten to it. But that is next as well as my SS Card. Then my passport.

    More disclosures. What I am finding is that everyone is accepting at first, but after the shock wears off, not everyone is. So I am plowing ahead past my surgery and full-time date. It's like I am racing before anyone tries to get in my way or gives me a lot of grief over it. So a lot of people know ... but there are many more who I still want to tell. This is such an emotional thing for me. That it is hard to be objective about it. I am finding that the closest of family members and friends are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with it.

    I have been working with HR to update the policy and come up with a communications plan to the company and customers. Not everyone knows yet, just management, task leads and HR. But everyone will find out in November.

    I have support group tomorrow and I am trying to organize my thoughts. So much has happened these last two months.

    Love to all,

    --Lisa

  13. Latest Entry

    Hi all,

    So today was my top surgery! I had it done by Dr. Jeffrey Rockmore - I can't say enough about him, his staff, and the St. Peter's Surgery Center in Albany. Everyone was incredibly friendly, helpful and supportive, and the results seem really good! (they are still wrapped, and swollen, so I can't say for sure yet).

    My friend Bryana went with me - we only met in January but she's quickly become such a good friend, and so graciously and enthusiastically took the trip with me (about 2.5 hours drive each way, and about a 2 hour wait while I had surgery). She did so much to relieve the anxiety I was feeling!

    There isn't really any pain, just discomfort (I'm on percocet, but after my shoulder surgery last year there was still massive pain even with that).

    Overall I feel even happier about this than I had expected, I feel like I took a huge step towards truly being who I want and need to be 😀

    I'll follow-up again as the swelling subsides!

    Xoxo

    Chrissy

     

    Message_1471649809847.jpg

  14. Latest Entry

    Anyone miss me? Yeah, me either. You havent missed much but I figured I'd post an entry just so people dont think I died or something. Not sure if I'm even relevant anymore but, yeah.

    So here's an update.

    No surgery. No responses from insurance, no responses from GLAAD or any of the LGBTQ+ Advocates for NH nor anyone else I wrote to. No one seems to give a flip and that doesnt really surprise me...

    I'm still dealing with the MPD stuff, all eight of the obnoxious whiners -,_,- My life in a nutshell.

    I still dont have the money saved up. I barely have 600$ saved up and my hours got cut for the summer season. I work the bar and get tips but guess how much I got in tips tonight after 8 hours in a hot bar? .....$0.50...

    Last week? $1.00

    My surgery is going no where and my thyroid problem has gotten more annoying. Normally people are on 50mg, I'm on 260mg and it hasnt helped at all and my levels havent balanced out. I dont get it...

    I'm back on my Youtube channel though I feel like no one watches it anyway.

    Anyhow, here's links to the Youtube and the facebook group page. If you feel like it, go stare at my randomness and maybe poke a few buttons.

    Button poking is fun.

    (https://www.facebook.com/DubstepHeartbeatYouTube/?fref=ts)

    dubstepheartbeat.thumb.PNG.d56b88bb61479

    (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8FWRfZBHaU46LzyhAJoL7A)

     

    -Warren

    13445636_1576586765968674_51138907777234

     

    BottomNote:

    Met a fellow LGBTQ+ person when I went to an Orlando Vigil in NH (vid on my channel), and he was awesome and helped me feel better about myself.

    13492926_1576618459298838_234522441_n.th

  15. Ace

    • 1
      entry
    • 12
      comments
    • 271
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    Hi this is Ace.  I am looking for FTM or MTF friends in Rochester NY.  Many of my friends have dumped me or moved west (the dumping due to my FTM status.  I need friends in Rochester NY who will understand me and be good friends.  I am alone alot although I am married long story).  Please check me out.  Thanks

     

    Ace

  16.    Who doesn't love a hand full of skittles every now and then? No, I'm not going to go into any commentary on candy at this time, though. My subject is actually about love in diversity, namely the LGBT community and more specifically the pride flag. Although this site is geared more toward Trans...(fill in the blank) and our flag is a flag of different colors my intention isn't really about colors. The rainbow has been used as a significant symbol throughout our world's history. In the 16th century, during the German Peasant's War the rainbow flag was used to symbolize a new era, hope and social change. The rainbow flag represent the city of Cusco in Peru. It represents Buddhism, In the 1920's it represented the International cooperative Movement, which stood Unity in diversity and in 2001 it became a logo for the I.C.M., placed in the middle of white background. Each color representing different meanings: 

    • Red - Courage
    • Orange- visions of Possibilities
    • Yellow - The challenge that Green has kindled..
    • Green - A challenge to strive for growth
    • Sky Blue - A goal to achieve global unity 
    • Dark blue - Helping those less fortunate
    • Violet - Warmth, beauty and friendship  

    In 1961 the rainbow flag stood for Peace. Then in 1978 Gay Pride!

         Yup the good ol' rainbow flag in unity and love. The colors have traveled around the world to arrive in this day and time as a symbol of hope and an expression of courage . It has been told that in various countries that gay men signaled others by the wearing of a specific color. In England they wore green carnation, in Australia the color was yellow, usually in the form of socks. At one time, somewhere, the color was purple, as in "Purple Power". During the holocaust a pink (gay) or black (lesbian) triangle was used for the prisoners. Now brought together in the form of a flag that not only represents rights but also pride. 

         As the story goes that the original rainbow was created by the Hebrew/Christian God as symbol of a promise with love. Now please don't take me as a hater when I say that it should be returned to be just that, a promise with love or in love. I don't mean in love with your partner, but in love with each other as a whole. This world needs to learn to love one another. Across the oceans and across the land. The rainbow flag needs to be spread over the globe not only in the homosexual community, but in all community, all cultures,(or sub cultures) in all society. Remove all labels and just as the colors of the flag came from around the world let it now fly around the world in love and unity in diversity.  

  17. Latest Entry

    So I have to move out my apartment due to breaking up with my ex. Which is great! it's great because though we get along and we will always be friends, we need different things from our partners that neither of us are going to get. I am packing all my junk, and realizing I have way too much. As I pack though I found tons of pictures of me from what I call the dark ages. The Dark ages were the period of time after high school but before college, a whole six years for me, in which I went back into the closet and suffered a period of self harm and also a mental break down. I survived through a period of sever depression that I didn't even realize I was going though until I was lying on my bed with a butcher knife. I realized how dark I'd gotten I vowed to never ever let it get that bad ever again. 

    I feel like if I don't share this part of my life than I'm not being straight with people when I say life gets better. This part of my life that led me to who I am today. This time of my life that made me realize that nothing matters if you can't find that happiness in yourself. That there is nothing selfish in transitioning, but its wicked selfish to kill yourself. I say that because of the potential each of us has that is wasted when cut short. I know the insanity of fear and the desperation that comes along with it. I also know that taking your own life in your hands can be the most powerful and freeing feeling in the world and there has never been any grater feeling in my life than that gift. It was a gift I earned by staying alive despite the pain along the way.

    As I Sit in my bedroom packing all of my belongings, trying to breathe as this cold ravages me, I cannot help but be excited for the road ahead of me. I am terrified and yet so emboldened by the fear that I have this duplicitous euphoria. Today is May 27, 2016 and I am Benjamin Crowley twenty five nearly twenty six year old black transgender man living in the United States at time feels terrifying and electric at the same time.

    Terrifying?

    Terrifying because as I grow older race, which had never been a problem for me and mine, is becoming an odd affront to society. Actions that others take for granted I never previously would have thought were racially motivated have become a stark raw truth to be being black in America. I feel nervous as I transition that people will interpret me differently because of the projection of my identity into a public spotlight. This however is at the back of my mind as I sort through my things.

    At the fore front is the power held in the words, “I am enough.”

    I am enough. Similar words blazed though my head four years ago nearly to this day as I worked a warehouse job slaving into the night earning more money than I knew what to do with. I had no kids no titles and no self-worth. I had let others dictate to me what my future held and in the stagnant space between their idolization of the hardworking young black woman whom earned her keep I found myself in a great state of melancholy.

    What does it mean when you have everything you could materialistically want and are still unhappy?

    I weighed 150 lbs. and had kinky over processed blond hair, a nice body and a sad smile. I hated myself. The person they all knew, who wore punk make up and listened to green day… she was a lie. She was only happy when it rained, hated bras and wore heels in a defiant streak of masochism.  It wasn’t until she faced self-demolition did she realize that what everyone though she was wasn’t her at all.

    In fact she wasn’t even a she. Never in her head did she see herself as a ‘She’. In her head her self-reference was always ‘I’ and when it ventured to the dangerous gendered lands of pronouns she, realized, had always been a he. So where was she now? Hiding in conformity because she was scared of losing everything she had. But she was already loosing…

    This path she was one would never make her happy. So he cut off all his hair. Stopped wearing make-up and heels. Stopped bleaching his hair. Stopped starving himself to be pretty and started loving himself a bit more every day.

    Started college. Manically picked out masculine clothes. Introduced himself as Ben. Learned self-love and proudly thinks, “I am enough.”

     

    Thank you everyone again for you viewership.

  18. Hi !
    It's been a while since back logging on to tgguide community forums! I had two reasons for not logging on regular basis!  

    Firstly I lost access to my tablet due to battery failure and I just bought it on new year's!
    Secondly I thought I was the only transgender person in a mega city as I reside in! But after my 4 years of hardcore transitions on or off, I have found a exact replica of my cross dressers to transgender community meeting every Monday in my area of residence!

    To my delight I have witnessed over 200 transgender community people similar to (me ) or diverse range of groups attempting cross dressing to living as either females or males, yes (we, feel like I am a contributor) have female to male individuals eg, # of 3-5 at least etc!  

    It's a very interesting community as myself have been a member of tgguide as a last resort to deal with similar issues yet online only. Only when someone as Monica attempts to unify the best of us by holding (telephone) conference calls was a pleasure.
    But of course, meeting in person way off on another scale.

    I knew somewhere in my back of mind there was a community but didn't find it.  But now it has been my 4 th month of weekly meetings where government sponsored sexual consent focus groups to online dating seminars to take place,  you name it they got it!


    I hope to promote my YouTube channel for all members of transgender community not only cross dressers! Few that's a big scope. Visit Shazy Jeo on YouTube.

    Well I better start getting down making videos ciao

  19. Leo Tyler

    • 1
      entry
    • 4
      comments
    • 441
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    It's been 8 months since I have been on HRT, and I am feeling great. It's amazing how smooth my process has been. I am a senior in high school and I already have my name and gender marker changed legally and I am living my life authentically, I am extremely proud of how far I have come in just 2 years. I have opened so many people's minds about my community and I have been given so many opportunities so represent my community. I can't wait to experience more!

    DSC_0027.JPG

    • 1
      entry
    • 3
      comments
    • 301
      views

    Recent Entries

    I would like to dress as a female, but can not because I live in a all male shelter. But I do wear female panties under my male underwear all the time every day.

  20. So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender.

    I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though.

    I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'.

    This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that.

    I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool.

    So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone :)

    p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D

  21. Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. 

    I miss my cat.

    I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name.

    I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. 

    I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. 

    Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face.

    Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

    • 1
      entry
    • 17
      comments
    • 424
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    Joined this site a few days ago after many years of fantasizing wondering what it would be like to explore what i was really feeling inside. Did some deep soul searching and realized that to feel complete, i have to explore and sort through my emotions. I have been supressing and fighting my true feelings. I am on a fact finding mission. This is the first i am expressing any of these feelings. It feels good talking about this.

  22. Trans Workers UK is a Facebook closed group that advances Trans rights in the UK workplace, I'm a member of the group and regularly advice is sought and given by trans workers on most aspects of being trans at work. However by far the most numerous postings are for trans who are still "in the closet" as far as work is concerned, who are wanting advice from those of us who are fully out in the workplace and in life. Most of these folk have come up against the societally conditioned old barrier, that they'll be ridiculed, or lose their jobs and workmates, this is by far the biggest hurdle that we have to overcome, it's our pre-judice, based on experience in society at large. Most don't realise that it's 2016 & not 1975 anymore, and that attitudes have moved on.

    Anyway I posted my recent experience to help them overcome their fears;

    "Last week my employer (a County Council) sent me on a Fire Risk Assessors course, with a view to my carrying out Fire Risk Assessments for the Council's properties. This sort of fits in with my existing role as a H&S Advisor. Anyway I was kinda nervous about attending the course which was held at the Firefighting College in Moreton in the Marsh. I had imagined it as being a very male orientated place, and half expected to be stared at or have the occassional joke or wise crack made at my expense. I couldn't have been more wrong, I was pleasantly surprised to find that doors were held open for me by smiling young firefighters, who were also very polite. I thought wow, if anyone had told me 3 years ago that I'd be wearing knee high boots, treggings, leopard print top, make-up and attending as a woman at the firefighters college, I'd have said "yeah, in your dreams". But there I was doing it. So to all who are contemplating gender change at work, but think it's impossible, think again, I've done it, it's so much easier than you might think. No, as a male I was not a small built effeminate man, I was a 100 kg 5'10" bloke with wide shoulders and narrow waist, and yeah, I thought it impossible to do what I've done, and yet here I am as Eve, my true self. I hope that this helps to inspire others to to do what they really want and not hang about wasteing time, I regret not doing what I did much earlier in my life. Good Luck to you all xx".

    Cheers,

    Eve