Transgender Guide Message Board: Bonnie - Viewing Profile

I am transgendered. I thought at first I may be a crossdresser because that was the first term I had heard when I was young. Female impersonators was probably closer to the term. But then I knew there was more to it than that. I not only wanted to dress as a girl I wanted to be a girl. I would fall asleep praying I would wake up in the morning and be a girl. Each morning I would wake up and find I wasn't. My life as a boy was not terrible, I had brothers to play with and lots of kids around, it being a military base. I just knew I could not let anyone know that there was something wrong with me. Not only did I want to be a girl but I wanted to kiss boys and have sex with them. Was I a 'homo' too? (term used back then) I was really confused so I just kept it all to myself and lived as I was expected to.

When I became aware of transsexuality I learned what I could about it without revealing my curiousity. Very difficult thing to do in the 60s but I thought there was hope for me and the realization that I wasn't the only person who felt this way was a relief. But then life goes on. I had girlfriends but never pressed them sexually if they didn't want to. I did enjoy sex with girls but I so wanted to be them and feeling what they were feeling. Eventually I did have sex with men and would always look at it from a female frame of mind. Again this was something I had to keep secret.

I should have come out in the 70s as gay, that way I could have taken the next step to transsexuality. But I didn't out of fear. I was also quite good at hockey and was seriously persuing it as a profession. Coming out would have ended that quite quickly.

I met a girl who I wanted to have children with and so we were married. I thought that when I got married everything would change. I am with someone I love, I am the man, I will be a husband, we will have children and then I will be a father. I will have husband and father responsibilities. That didn't last long. I mean I was still those things but I didn't want to be. I wanted to be a woman, a wife and a mother. Since I couldn't, then I did my best and kept my feelings to myself. I did start to buy female attire and would wear them whenever I was alone in the house. It always felt like such a relief when I did. I let her out.

Eventually I created a separate life for her. I should have told my wife about myself but that would have ended not only my marriage but my contact with my young children. The dressing may have been something we could have worked out, I doubted it very much becaue I had brought up the subject once before we were married and once shortly after. Before we were married I told her I had dressed in my mother's clothes when I was young. "You don't do this anymore DO YOU?" My answer should have been Yes but I said No. She was pleased that I had told her such a deep dark secret. After we were married and I was seeing that her mind was opening I brought the subject up again. I told her I had some articles of clothing (lingerie) hidden away. She got very upset and told me to throw them out right away. She didn't want to see them and she didn't want to hear about it again. We didn't discuss it other than me confirming that I had thrown them out and to promise that I would never do that again. This informed me where I stood regarding my crossdressing let alone my transsexuality. We also had a number of arguments with respect to her catching me looking at girls. I did agree with her that it was rude and hurtful to her when I did it when she was with me. What I could not tell her was why I was doing it. (to be continued)