kate23

wow in all my world sarcasm has always been a simple comment. never a way to fully express the obvious. transition is NOT a choice and thru this list you made the 'choice' to be a very funny thing, almost crazy! good list :)

Explain to me why i am always changing my mind. First of all let me start this by saying... hello i'm back. I've been away for quite some time, gathering thoughts and changing my future. Not towards my wanted goal tho. But of one that pleases everyone else. Including who i believe God to be. Most importantly, i just want to be able to become happy without the guilt and realization minus the fact that i'll be fooled into thinking what i WANT to do is the right direction for me... Is there a reason why i am the way i am. I am going to just spill my guts for everyone that reads this. First of all, my stomach hurts cause i am hungry... i am living in a hotel cause i have not been able to find a stable place to live yet, and i just broke it off with a girl. The girl didnt like the fact that i wanted to become a girl, i might add. That sucked. For real, it did. The point of the whole thing about telling her was to find someone i once had to support me, as well, in my all too knowing to be, transition. She wasnt for it at all. She didnt see me as a freak, but as someone that could still "be friends" with her. Which was fine cause when i kissed her i didnt feel that firework feeling anymore like i used to when i kissed a girl... So i think i may be gay... wait, bi. Yup, i think i am falling for a guy i have been hanging out with, but its too soon to tell if it will go anywhere. I dress up every now and again, but not much anymore. Its not the fact that i feel like a girl when i dress... but around the clock i just wish it had been different. I feel fake putting on a bra with no breasts to fill it in. I get irritated, being an understatement, when i wear panties and my crotch has to be taped in order to "look" female... Its irritating for me to be a man. I dont know why, but it seems as if transition is going to be the only way to get to where i want to be in life. A girl with a guy. Isnt that the way its suppose to be? Well, i see myself as the girl, until i look at my now covered with hair face in the mirror... then its too clear. I wasnt born a girl, i was born a guy... and that straight up PISSES me off! I am slowly becoming angrier as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months have turned to be today, and all i can say is, "i am NOT who i want to BE!" I have more to give than this "male" body can express... and i just want to cry when i cant "be" myself, even when i am alone BY myself... If there was only an answer to my problem that i am willing to listen to... My mom has been SO supportive over the whole "i think i'm trans" thing, and i can barely talk about it with her cause i feel like i talk about it WAY too much! With everyone i ask for signs if i am who i think i am... and the answer differs, lol. But anyways she said something to me. She said that if i liked men then i was a homosexual. I told her that i didnt want to BE a man WITH a man. I wanted to be a girl with a guy, like i was suppose to be. So she said that i was a crossdressing homosexual... Sigh... theres something wrong with that. I dont really LIKE to dress cause i feel like a guy dressing like a girl and it pisses me off... once again, because i am in an obviously male body. I am in a position of listening to what OTHER people say, which is the only way of life that i know. I am a follower and thats a feminine trait. Doesnt make me a female tho, so i am told. So what makes me feel like i am who i think i am? I want to express something, or "confess", as my blog is called "Confessions via Laptop" for a reason, that i have some skeletons... I DO masterbate... BUT... i only masterbate when i am thinking of being with a man as a girl. Once i get done with it, i continue on my way living my life wanting to be a girl. So is my wanting to be a girl a "fetish"? I really dont know... maybe. maybe not... All i know is that the few minutes after, i am not horny anymore, so there is no "feeling" of feeling like a girl, OR a guy for that matter. But then later i want to be a girl again... even after a climax! So of course, i cant do my "deed" again, but i have this feeling of "Wow, life would be so much better if i werent a guy" So my mom thinks i'm gay... My male part thinks i have a fetish, and as Me, i just want to be a girl... period.

Dreams have a way of telling you things right? Well it'll be nice if everyone were like Daniel from the book of Daniel, and just naturally interpret them at the drop of a hat. For I wasn't gifted in that area, *sighs* along with other things like discernment. But things have a way of working themselves out I guess. Anyway, I had this dream last night, and it was really nice for the fact that I prayed to God to literally tell me in a dream if it was "ok" to transition and just be who i am, for I am as you guessed it by now, pretty spiritual. Not religious, spiritual. I have a relationship with God, or try to anways, instead of looking over my shoulder to see if he's going to hit me. I sometimes feel that way too, so don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm totally afraid of what God could do to me when I do this. So I asked him. And this is what I viewed as his little "heavenly sent revelation maker". I was at this really fancy out doors party. I had a gf for some reason and I was in my male body dressed in fem attire. Well, she guided us to this dinner table as I was watching everyone just give me this look of puzzlement, like they couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. But I was walking with my gf of two minutes when we came to our table. Remember the gay guy from As Good as it Gets? Well he was there, with HIS wife, gf, sister, or something just sitting there waiting for us to come by so he could finally meet me. We just talked and ate for awhile, but the scene switched to us leaving and I got caught up behind for some reason, and was left alone with everyone just looking at me as I was walking to look for them. This group of men were sitting outside just checking me out. One of them came to me and said, "Dang babe, give me a ring you pretty thing!" And I turned around and started to walk away. Then he caught up with me and stopped in front of me. He started talking to me about something, as if we'd been friends for a long time or something. Then the unexpected happened. He slapped me across my face! And walked away. So I was left alone in my hoodie, put my hands in my pockets, and walked off on the verge to tears. Then I woke up! That's it. I know it's not much but that was my dream. But I think I know what it means. Some of it anyways. And it all started today. Today I was pretty much put to shame by one of my friends. If you read my first blog you would know that I am a musician singer songwriter, and I sing my own songs as a guy. So my friend sees me as this soon to be found artist who has great potential to do something great with my life music wise. He doesn't like the fact that I want to be a girl tho. Even tho I told him it's not the case that I want to be anything. It's simply the fact that I just am. Well we were drinking some Cape Cods, those that don't know what those are, it's just vodka and cranberry juice. Which is very tasty if made just right, i might add:) Anyways we got to the point of me, as Kate. I used to refer myself as two people, cause it made me feel better that I had no control over my situation, making it easier to just accept that I am who I am cause of this girl inside of me wanting to live the rest of my life. I would also state that this person that they see is just a society formed individual who shoved the real me down as far as he could so as to be accepted by the world. This is just how I felt. It's a bit different, but I'm still like learning, so hand me a frickin' bone here:p learning how to explain it I mean, btw. Anyways he can't and never could accept the fact that I wanted to " fix" my situation. So last night we were drinking and we got on the subject of my transitioning and how it could effect him as a heterosexual man. He said a certain thing that really hit home. "How are you going to make money as Kate?! Nobodys going to accept a freak, man! Screw Kate! (which wasn't the exact words he used) She's going to screw up your life! You need to start thinking about what you want and what she wants!" I mean it was a really harsh way of putting it but he was right about one thing. He literally slapped me in my face with reality, and I was on the verge to tears. I told him I just wanted to be me. And he told me to just do it in my "private time". I couldn't imagine redoing the closet transgender sharade my whole life, no offense to you if you are, it's just not something that I want:( But I DO need cash flow, and I DO need to plan a future for myself. My plans as a guy were to be a musician and somehow pursue "my" dream to become famous or something. Haha. I realize how horrible that plan is, btw. I quit school, high school, and never went back. I mean if I go back, which i am definetely going to, I would rather go as myself than to lie to another 100,000 people or so. (I exagerate a bit) Seeing how it will be another change for me, and the career path that I choose to take. Which I personally believe that my feminine side brings the best out of me. I mean as a still closeted guy I wasn't even considering finishing high school better yet college. But I am now, and I think it would be a good move. They'll be new experiences, new friends, and I will have a very wide selection of things to consider doing for the rest of my life. But is that throwing the first dream that I am allready ready for away? I must tell you, I have recording agents wanting me from a handful of places. And they aren't small, plus I'm not bragging, I'm simply telling you what I am willing to sacrifice for my dream (no quotes:p) So I think that's what the dream was about. Feeling alone cause I chose friends that were oblivious to what I was going thru and just left me in the dust? I don't know. It's more the fact that I felt sad and alone cause I felt like I was the only person like that at the party period. And I am. I wake to face only me in the mirror. Not the person I am happy to be, but it doesn't take away the fact that's who I am right now, or at least percieve to the world. It's like that old saying, "work with what you got". I will always feel alone in places where there isn't anyone there that has the slightest idea what I'm going through! I can't explain it to everyone I meet. It just brought some deep thought to what I was allready thinking. That dream I mean. I just jumped in this new life as quick as I could. I mean as soon as I knew, I was telling anyone I could get ahold of that would be the most receptive, that i was trans. I was proud at first. But now it's all of this work and heartache of loads I haven't even seen yet! But like all of you I am willing to take my "cross" and live the life I want to live, regardless of what happens. Things are easier said than done tho, wouldn't you agree?

hey thanks it is a hard journey, but I can't help but to think how much I am hurting the people around me. I'll explain that further later, I just wanted to take a chance to thank you for your comment:p and the best of luck to you:)

So I came to the Okc to find myself right? Well, allow me to enlighten you on who I "thought" I was. I'll make this short, or as short as possible rather:p I'm a rock star right, suppose to get those girls with precision and be happy with my life,... complete. The American dream, almost EVERY guys dream. Almost. For years I have never been accepted, taken seriously, or anything else that is suppose to label you "a guy". The controlling member of the human race. For years I have fooled myself into thinking that my crossdressing was just sexual in nature. As in a little "thing" I got from my gay dead beat dad that ran off with another guy when I was only four years of age. Me later getting put up for adoption, but like I said more about that later (cause I have a tendency to ramble:p) But I thought that's where I got it from, I mean it makes since right, dad crossdressed, father like son. Hmm, but I didn't know about him till I was 16 and I was doing that looong before I ever new about him. I prayed to wake up a girl in the morning long before I ever hit puberty if I recall correctly. So I think that throws the "sexual" thing out the window. I don't even do it for that anymore. I used to with my ex, but she was my best friend and totally wanted in on that, lol. So I was only kidding myself "assuming" that it was just a phase. But back to what I am talking, or trying to get out. I came to Oklahoma to make it in the music biz. Woah, I have to say that again. Ok. I came to OKLAHOMA to make it in the music biz!!! There isn't even a decent music SCENE down here yet alone, an army of patiently awaiting record producers fishing for new talent. I came here for something else. Subconsciously that is. I came to the Okc to find myself. That's it, to find myself. The inner me if you will. Well, I think I bit off a bit more than I can chew, but like that Alanis Morsette song goes, it's highly recommended to do that anyway Character goes a long way trying to find out who you are. Its the point of life isn't it? To find who you are or who you are meant to be, rather. I think people have a tendecy to just "accept" the person society made. I KNOW for a fact that the person I portray everyday to the world isn't the real me. That's a big thing to say about oneself, that you KNOW that you are not who you or anybody thinks you are. I would rather be an individual than be " labeled" by anyone. But labels are obviously "necessary". *rolls eyes* But at the same time, it takes a lifetime to find who you are, and even THAT sometimes isn't even close to being long enough! So where do we go when we have no one else to trust? God? Family? Yourself? Maybe I sell myself too short, but talking to myself doesn't really get me anywhere. I think i trust myself, and myself tells me to do what makes me happy. I came here to be happy didn't I? Unless finding who you are ends in grief lmao! Which I highly doubt that is the case. But just the same, things aren't working out the way I prayed them to. In fact they haven't even started. I came out to myself about 2 months ago and am still in the same boat as I was. Unemployed. Haha! Me and another 100,000,000 people huh? Yeah, it really blows> I mean I have nothing! I even came down here with a friend, and came out to him and he "supports it but doesn't"... Eh? You either do or don't. But he's the one with the money and is taking care of the both of us, so I don't even have the courage or right to ask him to help me look more how I want to express myself, cause he thinks it's "weird". I just want to find more girls out there like me to help me out a bit. Out there I mean downtown where the actions at. I mean I have yet to personally meet somebody that can help me out. I started, side comment, to tweeze my eyebrows and wow! Haha, if it wasn't for my long hair i' look like a person with really uneven eyebrows. I can't help it tho, I am literally taking this to a new level cause I want to, but have much to learn. Anyways, I think I owe it to myself for lying all of this time to at least "try" right? Even the word try isn't good enough. I owe it to myself to succeed in what I have planned for the rest of my days. And I aim to do it;) But that's the situation I'm in right now, the short version, lol. Wanting to transition but unable to because of all of that, is nearly making me insane, depressed, and unhappy. But priorities right? Psh! But I owe that much to my friend that doesn't understand. At least. I really hate body hair and he thinks that is the strangest thing! He's like, "Why? Youre a guy so you're going to grow hair..." I simply just tell him it doesn't mean that I have to keep it:p Shaving is the only thing that I can do so far to stay sane, lol. Except my face, which lucky enough I have yet to be able to even start a beard, God forbid!!! But if you read this, please dont think of it as a call for help more than a cry period, LOL. Things will look up and I'll keep these posted, as this was the first time that I have really ever blogged for real, lol. It's very relieving. And yes! I know that the statement above is a song quote, but it just fit the feel:p Fit the feel, I like that! The song is Closing Time and it's an old fav. But I haven't had a pc for about a month too, so I got on my friends iPhone to keep in touch with everyone. Thanks again for making me feel welcome and I hope to do wonders for our community as we all do just by speaking out. It's hard but knock on wood it can only get better... right? Kate