NEW - I see myself as a non-gender specific/mixed gender person leaning toward being Transgendered.
ORIGIONAL POST - EDIT- Who am I? I used to think I was primarily a sensitive heterosexual person who enjoyed cross dressing and impersonating women. However, I am now sure it is more than this because I often have wished I could partake in life as a woman. So in some ways I guess I am a bit intersexed.
Additionally contributing to my feelings, because of my genetics - I have several known natural feminine characteristics such as some bone; small hands, narrow feet, small feminine, pixie like, looking face, feminine hair pattern and connective tissue characteristics. Also, until recently I had looks of someone 15 years my junior. If there is some deeper DNA related reason why my body has these attributes, such as extra X,s or a defective Y, I have not been tested and I do not do not currently know of any.
Over the years, these characteristics have lead many people to wonder what sex I was based on my outward appearance even though I did not try to hide my maleness. I have always been considered cute. When I was in my early teens almost everyone who did not know me first thought I was a girl. Later because I was also a product of the sixties; long hair and flowery clothes; some co-workers at a plant I worked at during college told me it took them several weeks to determine I was not a girl. They even made the remark "put a purse on your shoulder when you go shopping and see how many whistles you will get." I am sure my long hair and bell bottom jeans contributed some to the miss-labeling.
At one point in my mind I started to think well if I am mistaken as a woman I may as well go ahead and see if I can improve on that image. It was during this time I had facial, chest and leg laser hair removal and took some hormones for a few months. I also started to have my nails done and tried to lose weight. I got down to 138 pounds from my highest weight of 168. This weight change allowed me to wear many outfits and fit into several of my wife's old dresses. Once while I was at college my future wife helped me dress up in a pants outfit and we went to dinner together. No one even knew I was not a girl until I came back to my apartment and my roommate saw me and whistled. At that time I felt embarrassed. Over the years I have felt compelled to wear women's clothing out in public to see if anyone would notice. Three times for Halloween I dressed as a woman. One year my wife dressed as a man and she helped me into a very elegant light blue dress, made my make-up and treated me like a woman the whole evening. The comments from friends I got were they "were shocked" because I looked like a "beautiful woman" and how my hands looked "so feminine" with press on nails. One of my guy friends said I "should be escorted" back home because I looked so vulnerable. They also said my wife was not as convincing as I was. After that Halloween one of my woman friends remarked she had been so impressed by my illusion that she could close her eyes and open them expecting to see me as a woman again. She told my wife it took weeks for her to see me in her mind totally as a male. Other excursions into womanhood have included me jogging completely dressed as a woman, both in running suits and in running shorts and tank tops. (I own three women's running suits/warm-ups and several summer outfits) I have done this about 50 times and most of the time I have been hardly noticed. However, on rare occasions I have been whistled at and have had cat calls. On several occasions I have been beeped at when I was wearing women's jogging outfits running across the two mile long bridge between Oregon and Washington State. More exciting was one time when I was running as a woman in the early evening at Ft Walton Beach FL. The sun was just starting to go down. I was dressed in a white sleeveless mesh Ft Walton T Shirt, girl's violet colored beach shorts, a very noticeable white bra and a shoulder length brown wig. I also, I had a dark tan and had shaved down both my legs and arms. While I was running a male jogger caught up with me from behind and when he came up he said he was "sorry to frighten" me. In my best female voice I said "hi" to him and he was close enough to me that I noticed his dark leg hair and muscles. I was real nervous that he would try to start a conversation with me and discover I was a male but he did not. Instead he just slowed down for a few moments, to check me out, and the continued his fast pace leaving me behind. Boy what an adrenal rush that was. Once I went swimming at a public pool in a women's full-length bathing suit. It felt really funny - the feel of the suit in the water. I have also dressed as a woman bicycler about 20 times. However, this has some saddle issues. As a ballet dancer I have often tried on the female ballet outfits but I have never been in-fem on a stage. During several of my road trips I have driven hundreds of miles fully dressed as a woman. Because I had a large sun roof on my car, the truckers I passed had a clear overhead view of me and at least two of them beeped at me as I passed. (I think I know why) I have also gone on several evening walks dressed as a woman. I just had to watch my voice pitch when I said hi to people I met on the path. My wife has helped me dress up over the years and has taken many pictures of my looks. She helped me practice my walk movements and I have been told I have natural hip motion. Many of my photos are in her outfits. We have even done comparison photos. Because she stated to work-out she had a lot of her older clothes that no longer fit that she gave to me. She often has told me that I rival her in looks, which has led me, and us, to father two very attractive girls.
When in men's clothing in the last five years, I have been called "ma'am" almost 50 times. About 20 of these were when I went through security both at the airport and driving through gates. One gate guard even said "how's a beautiful young lady doing today." He only was aware of his error when he heard my voice saying "I was a man" Several times walking, with a shirt on, to the pool and in the gym I have been called ma'am. Once I was jogging with a group of girls during a military deployment and was mistaken as a girl. I was wearing blue running tights and a gray sweatshirt. The comment was made by the guys to one of the girls who told me that the guys were interested in the girl in the blue tights, with the great looking legs. (Yes, it was me) Another time I was mistaken for a girl was one of the times I went skiing. I remember a ski instructor saying to one of his students. "Look at how that girl is skiing" over there (Looking at me); you (Talking to the student) need to use your whole body and knees to make the turns. As I passed by his ski group I was thinking why they thought I was a girl. Could it have been my skiing motion or my looks or both made then think I was a girl skier. Of interesting note, whenever I have worn stage make-up; ballets, large church musicals, plays and other dramatic events and I have been told that as soon as my makeup is on it did not make much difference what I was wearing, unless it's a fake beard, I would look like a woman on stage. This became so noticeable that for the last productions at my church, I was told only to wear some power and not to add any other make-up that the men on stage normally put on. They told me I was cute and that it would be wrong for the church to put make-up on me that would make me look like I was a woman. (Did they know my hidden thoughts?)The most interesting time I was called ma'am was on a flight by a stewardess who was serving drinks. On this flight I was wearing sandals; plaid shorts a light blue nylon crewneck shirt, a necklace and a ball cap. First she said "ma'am can I serve you." Then she heard my voice and she said I mean "Sir." Then she seemed puzzled and looked at me again and said "I am sorry ma'am." For the rest of the flight she kept looking at me trying to determine if I were a man. Only when I left the plane did I think she figured me out, as she said "sorry" with a bit of a look of shock on her face. Many times I sense people are staring at me and I am sure they are trying to figure out my gender.
Lately, I have tried some of the forbidden beauty shop services for men. As I am now in a job now that allows me to grow my hair longer I have gotten my hair colored highlighted and premed. My cut is moving toward a pageboy style. I also get my brows shaped/waxed and I have even had my legs waxed several times (For Bicycling and swimming). I have also done both manicures and pedicures finishing with clear nail coatings. Also, a couple of times when I went to the hair stylist because I wanted to feel like I was a woman being done over, I wore women's sandals, an earring, women's teal shorts, women's Saint John's Bay full length white sport top and even pink nylon lace panties. (They couldn't see the panties but I knew they were on) My stylist said I looked like I was from Florida. One of those days she draped me the rose cover vice the black one reserved for the men. I remember when I was under the dryer seeing my reflection and thinking I looked like all the other women in the salon.
Today, I find myself wearing more and more women's style clothing articles on a day-to-day basis. (All of my watches are women's fitness watches, several of my necklaces, belts and rings are women's. The watches fit me better because I am small boned – note - my wife and I have the same size hands, wrists and I can wear her rings). I have several women's sport tops and Capri pants that I wear at home or out on evening walks. About once a week I will wear women's underwear when I am going out. I have my own men's make-up and I am looking forward to the day men's skirts become main stream, maybe in the next couple of years. I often wear lingerie around the house and my wife is supportive. She has bought me several outfits that match hers; unisex style women's wear blouses and pants to wear when we go out.
So why do I do all of this – trying to look like a woman. I think some of it is because I have some feminine characteristics that I cannot change. The other is to express myself for who I really am. I actually feel free when I look like a woman. So, I definitely understand all those on this site and their need to express themselves and those who need to change themselves. If there weren't so many boxes we are put in by gender typing then I think the world would be a lot better for all of us.
Thoughts - Updated Oct 2014
(Note: I am also on Pinterest - Give my photo gallery a look - I have posted over 100 photos - so you can know me better - Please make comments - Best wishes - Dawn13)