Dawn13

I have now read the entire correspondence.  And I agree with most of the advice. 

As a young person I remember day dreaming a lot.  Wishing and dreaming of other possibilities.  I have always been extremely creative and have always loved to role-play.  I was transgender when I was born but I just did not even know what this meant.  Yet my behavior of being like a girl was something I struggled with for many years. Physically I was very girl like in body and I was bullied guite a bit when I was young.

About my thoughts - I also thought the thoughts and feelings I had would just go away if I took control and fought them off.  Today I know this is not possible, however, in my case I have adjusted to the fact I will push the envelope but I never plan to transition.  For me I have a loving family and I do not want to lose this part of what I have, over taking drastic changes to have my gender and body match. 

Now if I had known what I know today, if it had been possible in the 60's, I would had considered going for a body sex change.  (My dad was very harsh with me and likely would not have supported me in this decision.)  Really in the 60's there was nothing like the technology and knowledge available allowing for the possibility of this kind of change.  

Thus you actually can decide today - but the real battle is within the mind.  Sorry this is so complicated - but it is. 

Society is really part to blame.  Labeling our genders is like mind police controlling our thoughts.  So much would be better if limits - laws- rules were not placed on our gender views.  Most people except the limits as they are a secure place for them to be in. (Cis gender) If a person with mixed gender views/creative thought is put a box/prision the tendency is to want to break out.  To free themselves.  

Still I see many directions possible for you.  

May the best way be the path you take

Hello JeffDad,

I just started to review this thread and will look at it in depth tomorrow.  What I do want to say is firstly, there are many variations within being transgender and there are also just as many solutions a person with transgender tendencies can come up with.  Not everything is final and black and white.  I look at gender more as a discovery and a journey.  To be safe one needs to develop a path that allows a person to be as functional as possible.  This state of happiness and self fulfillment are paramount.  What I think I am hearing is you need more time to develop a plan for success for your child.  To do this I agree that a really good counselor is the place to start.  (I have one - a Christian Counselor)  Any  counselor you chose needs to have a real understanding of gender issues as well as the dynamics of family.  Ok - the hormone blocker could be there to buy you more time to work things out  Maybe the final solution would be to go through transition????; but really there are so many other possibilities.  There also may be another root cause - my own counselor told me many of us are wounded by unresolved shame and brokenness.  I have been doing regression therapy.  And yes, I have been diagnosed as transgender.

Hope this helps a-bit - From my own profile - I mention the issue of freedom and creativity.  Because most of us are stifled by the world with its' gender stereotypes, we are often sicker for it.  If I want to wear a dress - why can't I?  Sometimes I feel we are forced to change gender to better fit an acceptable world view.

More soon - I really want the best for you - and thanks for reaching out.  D

Yesterday - twice identified as a woman.  Once called mamm by a lady needing help at a gas station while I was pumping gas.  The second was called a lady ("how are you ladies doing") by the waitress at a IHOP while getting dinner.  I did not correct them and I was wearing all women's sportswear, legs tan and shaved, earings, my women's styled glasses.  Actually everything I had on was what I would consider unisexual clothing.  I really think my face and ponytail are the reasons I was coded female but this time I did not correct them so I could ask what they saw that made me appear as s woman to them.  Actually enjoyed being treated as a woman. Dawn

Thanks Monica,

I guess by what you say is my ENERGY is female.  Neat!  Thanks.  love and kisses.  Dawn

Monica you are the best and thanks for commenting as much as you do.  Seems like I always learn much from you.

Latest trip and gender mix up.  I was at a Ross Store in GA ready to check out, in guy mode, and the female teller said I can help you over here Miss.  I thought she was talking to someone else and then I realized I was the only one there.  I checked out and am quite sure she thought I was a woman.  Then the next day while eating at an IHOP with friends the waitress said to me what can I get you ma'am, because I was with friends I corrected her saying "sir."  She repeated "sir" but when she came back she presented me my breakfast and said ma'am can I get you anything else.  This time I did not correct her as actually I was a bit flattered and later I checked the mirror to try to see what she saw.  Could be my chest/breasts are showing more (Was wearing a bra but straps were almost impossible to detect), earrings, hair, wore unisex clothing - still in acceptable unisex look. 

When I say it is all me - I mean the breast and hair growth is real.  I am wearing a shaping sports bra with normal padding.  So neat as I do not have to wear breast forms any more.  Dawn

Hello Emma,

I care about as you have cared about me.

I noticed you were having issues with your electrolysis.  When I last had it done, the better electrologist (However more expensive) I went to used a cooling gel and it helped a lot. I had my chest done my face and my legs. It was expensive and I quit the treatments when all my dark face hair was gone.  I took electrolysis for about two years.  I still have about 3000 hairs left on my face as I even plucked the remaining ones a couple of times, but they are all white and easily shaved and when shaved I have no shadow at all.  So the electrolysis was worth it.  I share your issues with losing hair.  In a few weeks I will be starting hair therapy. 

I also go to a therapist and the goal is currently to help my marriage while accepting that I am Transgender.  Have I not been trying to salvage a happy home relationship I am sure I would transition completely. 

So I am hoping and thinking about you and your path - some things we share and others not - wishing you love and support along your way.  Dawn

I have posted several photos of the look I achieved with my Dicks Sportswear - here is one of my favorite ones

My mail box is full - will try to empty it tomorrow.  Dawn

Monica,  Bonnie has some good points.  You must follow the course of your heart.  I am a moral person but I also understand that I am transgender, finally not lying to myself anymore.  The love I share with my wife is real and is unconditional.  Do we agree on everything = no.  When we married she did not know I was transgender but we have worked it out.  I am as close to being female as I dare to be and still keep family and friends.  A compromise - yes.  If I had known what I now know about myself I would likely be female today; would have transitioned as a youth.  More soon  - have to go again  -- Dawn

Quick note to Bonnie - will try to meet you in SL - Do you have a blog I can go to?  Dawn

Finally I have some time to respond.  I really do believe in the friendship and companionship aspect of life.  This means a kiss and hug, a laugh together, some shared memories.  A true friend is forever - my wife - and I have been together for 40 years and we are firstly just friends.  I have almost 100 other friends I have strong ties to.  I kind of collect my friendships.  Some know of my transgender leanings others do not.

About shorter relationships these all need to be friendships to succeed. The first aspect of being a friend is acceptance and realistic expectations.  One does not try to make a friend someone they are not.  If you have quirkiness that is you, who you are, this is usually the last thing a friend considerers - this may be something you joke about and actually could draw you closer, as all of us who are real have our quirks.  I hope this helps.  I know you through your writings to be a wonderful person well deserving of many good comments and relationships.  Best to you.    Dawn 

Companionship a issue - the need to share one's life  ... Thanks Monica for asking me to respond - As it is late I will sleep on this and definitely share my thoughts with you tomorrow.  I think you are a wonderful person deserving of love and compassion.  The other things you mention; the you of you, these are factors of relationships but are not the drivers.  See you tomorrow.  Best to you - Dawn

One of my new bras now that I have something to cover and support.

Monica did you see this post?

Hello Emma - Thanks - You too are a delightful person.  I keep wanting to meet everyone as we are all in this life journey together.  (Not practical but we do have a lot to share)

Emma - You are treasured, yes, and of course loved. 

Dawn

Another delightful thread.  About Halloween and costumes, I have had the opportunity to wear several costumes lately, Green Lantern, Superman (Pink for Cancer Version), an elf and Avatar and of course as a woman(But not lately).  In the last three years, I have been able to go to almost a dozen parties and face paint the kids. (I usually wear a costume/s)  Besides doing the kids I usually face paint myself and paint additional examples of my work on my own arm.  Rainbows, butterfly's, stars, animals and super heroes.  I love to do this.  It is my feminine arty nature coming out.  I have now been requested at various fairs and I ask for donations.  I give the money to children's programs.  I too am in my 60's - still enjoying life, stretching myself and taking risks.

About the first thoughts - To me being Transgender doesn't have to mean being female rather it means being closer to the attributes that are labeled as female.  I now feel that my condition, who I am, is not a learned thing but rather in-bedded in my DNA.  I have always been an explorer; this is my nature.  Also, I visualize colors, experience touch sensations and sense sounds in a way that I believe is a female frame of mind.  I remember when I found myself putting on my first feminine outfit at about six or seven years.  It was a yellow sun suit with green flower embroidery on it.  This along with my longer hair made me look like a girl. That was an image etched in my mind. I wore the sun suit and I wanted to show the world it was me inside it, wearing it. It was the little person, girl, me, and it was there before I ever put the item of clothing on.  So the article of clothing/adornment brought out my nature and it was what is considered feminine.  As I grew up took me forever to mature - most of my life my maleness consisted of being a Pixie or a Peter Pan.  I also often masked some of my feelings about wanting a female body by being a clown.  The clown gets to wear almost anything and can make people laugh.  As a male I did not laugh. The closest I ever felt to being a male was in my Indian heritage.  Wearing minimal clothing and being highly adorned.  As a kid, I always felt more at home in my own skin when I was wearing feminine styled clothing.  Going against the norm (Accepted by most) I am more female than most males.  I have been hit on a lot - most want me because of some homosexual attraction.  I am not homo.  I too hate most of the base male characteristics.  Dirty, unkempt, Cursing, corralling.  So I am closer to female, but not female, transgender.

Have a great day!  Dawn

My recent gender bender.  Went to my hair stylist a couple of weeks ago wearing all women's wear including a bra. (My stylist also does my pedicures and waxes my eyebrows)  She told me my hair was now finally long and was longer than most of her women customers as women currently coming to her are now getting shorter cuts.  About her she has always been a tall muscular woman.  Much heaver than me.  She commented that it looked like I had 'lost weight" and that she liked my turquois "earrings"  I said I did not think so since I had seen her last.  Then I started to think she could see my bra straps or that she knew I was transgender.  After she draped me in pink we got into a discussion of fitness and she told me she had increased her weight lifting to as much as two hours a day.  She asked me to feel her bicep and I did and it was both large and hard.  I said you can "feel mine" and she did.  'Soft' was her comment. Then she said it was "OK" and that she was going to make me beautiful and she did. She gave me a very nice feminine haircut; matching my outfit.  When I saw my image when she was done I actually felt I was passable as a woman leaving her salon.  The attached photo was taken after the visit; me in a dress.  Dawn

Hello Dawn - Looking at your first posts I have a similar experience - still not totally the same - but similar.  My therapist also told me she has me categorized as transgender, I am one of two, that I know she councils. Because of this she had told me it is OK to wear women's clothing that is more gender neutral to what I feel.  Also, I do wear a bra occasionally as I do have some natural breast. (Size B ) I would love to have a bra fit but Have not done this.  As you also talk about, I know my transgender part is inside me not just a sin I cannot control but actually part of who I am.  I will post more and look more at your blog when I have time.  Dawn (13)

Hello Lexi - Great! Item!  I like the going more feminine part without trying.  Dawn

Reposted from "Being Transgender not a Mental Disorder"

So difficult to sort out the feelings versus the male body I have underneath.  Three days ago, I just was talking to one of my best girl friends when we were at a running expo - she was part of a staff selling running skirts when I stopped at her booth.  "I told her it was so unfair." (That men - feminine looking men like me - are ostracized when openly wanting to wear a cute stylish shirt in a race or run).  She showed me a new product that they finally have developed. A collet short for men made of the same fabric as the shirt/s and almost a skirt in form.  I bought one of these with a matching unisex headband.  She actually got the same matching skirt so at some point we hope to get a picture of us both together wearing our matching outfits.

The real point is even though I go to counceling about my being transgender - there is definitely something inside of me that goes beyond my desire to be a straight male in thought and body.  Over time I have actually become more feminine in looks to better accommodate my feelings; I now have very long hair, two earrings I wear all of the time, a weight closer to that of a women allowing me to wear junior's shorts and tops; some new breast tissue to the point I now can and actually need to wear my new sports bras.  Still I go out primarily as a male as I did in a recent running race. I remember at the race a girl runner actually saying as she walked by in a hearable voice to another runner.  Isn't that a woman (Looking at me).  Other guy friend said - no its a man.

I am now happier in my own skin.  My therapist told me it is OK to wear unisex items and girls items, shorts/tops, that are kind of unisex.  She did tell me that I should not wear a skirt because of what it appears to do to my mind.  But again - this is really who I am, a girl, in my mind.  Dawn

Three times today I had people open the door for me.  Anyone having the same experiences lately?   Dawn

What a fun day today - new Goodwill store opened and I looked for American Eagle shorts and jeans and a sport top - I found several that fit; size 10 and 8's.  I was dressed in my male clothes with a ball hat on.  My longer pony tail evident as well as my earring's.  One of the shoppers said to me "Mam do you know which tags are the discounts."  Concerned about my voice I hesitated then I told her "the red ones."  I did not try to correct her to my gender as I was in the women's section trying on women items and actually blending in.  Still I was concerned that my voice was telling - still was fun - not even going out-of-my-way to look feminine and still being coded as a woman. 

A shop clerk told me she really like my necklace today.  I was dressed in girls jeans and a nice sport top. Not sure if she was coding me as female - but was thinking this when she talked to me.  I had just got back from a beauty salon and had my hair colored, long styled shoulder length haircut and had my brows waxed.  Here are a couple of shots of my hair.

Adding my latest here - was at Red Lobster two days ago and the store manager asked "Ladies how was our service." (Just me and my wife).  My wife said it must be the glasses and hair as I was dressed in boy mode. Then just yesterday I was going through a security point and the guard first said "sir" as I went through and then corrected himself and said "sorry I meant to say mam."

My latest Florida Adventure - Just last week I was at a swim meet in FL and when I entered the pool area, with pack on my back and bag in hand one of the regular members of the pool said to me "Mam the women's changing area is around the corner."  during the period of the swim meet I was referred to as mam several times and at one restaurant the door was opened for me as the owner said "welcome in Ladies" for me and my wife.  Also when I was at the meet I was actually able to notice how much bigger my chest appeared compared to some of the women there.  Definitely could see how I was getting mixed up.  (And enjoying it)  Below are photos showing my hair - as long as I have worn it since I was in my teens.  Also. one of my jogging shots (Not wearing a single men's clothing item; but a very feminine running outfit).  Dawn