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PlagueBubonic

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Blog Entries posted by PlagueBubonic

  1. PlagueBubonic
    Today I received a call from a trans center; the person on the phone invited me to a group meeting at 4:00pm to 6:00pm. I called them about a month and a half ago, and didnot here a thing till today, 2/6/2012. So I got ready<as best I could> and I drove over to the adderess I was given.
    I arrived a little before 4:00pm, about 10min early; So I desided to sit in my truck and see if I saw any other transfolkes. The reason I did this is, because I learned to be cautious as a serpent, yet mild as a dove.I also, know this area very well, and know it is a known hood for gang members; I grew up there.
    So I sat there ......I didnot see one Transperson; I said to myself, "if I see one of them I go in the building." I waited till the clock read 15 min past 4:00pm; all I did see was a family come out of the place, and many gang members go in; not one of them looked to be trans/nada!!
    So I left then I decided to right this experience down....Be Careful!!
    When you look for a center on line.
    Thats where I found this one, I didnot like the area...Call me a chicken, but I'm a live one!!
    This was nothing like the LGBT Center I belong to!! So in short I just don't want to read in the news paper about another transgender person getting hurt, or worse. I don't like anyone taking advantage of one of us. In my eyes if one of us gets hurt we all get hurt!! I really mean this; it's how I feel.
    Peace Out!!...>^.^<..and be smart & safe!!
  2. PlagueBubonic
    I thought, because I dressed like a woman every day that ment I was becoming a woman.I was wrong.
    I will never be a real woman, and I know that now; yep thats right I'm a transwoman, and I proud to be one of the many!
    Never again will hide myself, because I'm embarrassed of myself, and the way I look.
    This took a lot time to come this realization, and I sure there is more to come. However this is a big step for me and my path toward to transwoman hood. I never want to fool anybody ever again like I did for many years while I hid my gender identity disorder; I did this out of ingorance. I know this was wrong for I hurt people I love, and care about, and this is a hard pill to swallow! But I will get it down.
    I'm tired of look down when people walk by me; I have to get over this fear if I want to progress, I know this.
    I wish I had a answer for some of thing I'm going through,but I don't; I guess I'll figure it out the best I can along the way.There are many things that go through my mind during the day; some good some not so good. At least I stopped wanting to die, and my thinking is more focused on being kind to others; even if they are not toward me. I know that my heart condition means more then looks do, and this is another important step to becoming a transwoman. Looks will fade with time, but a good heart will never fade away! Most people are actrated to a positive person than negative one.
    I just wish I looked less like a guy in a wig; I hate mirrors for the reflection in it shocks me. As long as I don't look in one I know I'm a translady I feel like one too, but when I do...
    well you get the picture. I hate to shave nothing makes me feel more like a trangirl.<sarcasm>
    This is the not so good part of my thinking; O, how could I forget my hair...ba!!!
    What a cry baby I am ....No it just tells me I have a lot of work to do; I'm not going to stop for when I do stop I'll be dead!! I'm not ready for that yet; even if some wish it...you who wish this..too bad for you.
    I can just feel it things are going to turn around; I've already seen a few thing doing this. Every day in every way things are getting better, and better!
    If you could see my eyes you know how I feel; for the eyes are the gate way to a persons soul.
    My eyes show that I'm the happiest I ever been now!!
    I never want to go back to my old way; I will not alow this to happen.
    I like to share this quote, it's from M. Scott Peck 1936-2005 " Share our similarities celebrate our differences." I think that applies now for I well know I'm not alone in my thinking, as well as my journey.
    You know Jesus Christ said something about a journey it's found in the bible at Matthew 7:13-14.
    Quote: "Go in through the narrow gate;because broad and spacious is the road leading off into destruction,and many are the ones going in through it; whereas narrow is the gate and cramped the road leading off into life, and few are the ones finding it."
    Well I believe I found that gate, and road now and I've never felt more alive, and in control of my life.
    Peace Out.....=^.^=
    Don't you all be judge'n me!! ...LOL < joke sillies> ;)
  3. PlagueBubonic

    I Found My Happy

    By PlagueBubonic,

    Well I just returned from the support group, and I can't believe it their just like me. I donot feel out of place there; just like I dont feel that way here at TGGuide.
    OMG!! Some of those women are so pretty, and than others are just like me..homely lol I mean average. ops-y
    They were talking I just kept my big trap shut.....and then one of the girls said," hay you have not said anything. Why?" I kinda pushed my hair in front of my face, and hung my head. I could not control myself....I started to cry....Another young lady took me a side, and said, "sweetie let it all out!" I didnot want to run my mascara. But I fix it kinda; they kept ask'n, "why wont you talk?" It is due to my voice I just started working on it 2 days ago. However they persisted, and I started to share.I told them this was my first time out during the day light hours; with makeup as well. They just held my hand and call me Tristina, and saying things like she, her; they just made me feel right at home, I can't believe it.
    Even when I had to go to the restroom they told to use the lady's room, but I told them I can't yet I don't have a note from the doctor. "Just go" they replied, I didnot want to break the law so I went to the men's restroom, and found two gentlemen in there. They didnot even bat a eye toward me; just said, " hello"
    and then told me the last stall was opened. One time this happend at a store I was shopping at, the guys in the rest room went nuts when I walk in!! I just thought ....Wow what a difference between people who show love, and are not afraid to express it,or those who just say it and can't even express it. I think I'm going to be OK there I really do! O, Yes the neats thing, happend at end of the session the one lady who took me aside
    Gave me a big hug and told to stop being sorry for everything...What a sweet gesture, I thought.
    Well I go back again on Saturday, but now I know whats there; maybe friends that make you feel good about myself....The point of this blog is if you are thinking about going to a trans support group check them out first and go I think you may be very happy if you do. The first part of this blog which was done last night I should have called it "diary of a mad transwoman." I really worked myself up over all this; Which turned out to be nothing...Silly Plague!! I thank God, and all you my friends here at TGGuide I could not have done it with your support either thank you all!!
    Peace out!! >^.^<
  4. PlagueBubonic

    Nervious & Excited

    By PlagueBubonic,

    Tomorrow I'm going to my first support group meeting for transwomen; this is at 14:00 hours. I'm down right scared, I'm really shy around people untill I get to know you.
    <yep then you can't shut Plague up>
    I guess when I get nervous I play round a bit much.
    People are going to see me, and their going to think.... ? What a ugly..... ?
    Maybe not; I don't really know,but no matter what, I'm going! I cannot let what other's think of me worry me.
    I mean, I going out all over the place; as I am a chica. yes people stare at me, however I pay them no mind. Even when I bump into people I knew; their like WTF is up with you?? Some tell me I'm damed, others tell me to get away from them, and then there's the old I'm going to Hell bit. when I go to the support group I have to see these folks every week. I hope I can fit in, I hope they don't tell me to leave, because I look, and sound odd. I mean I'm used to the abuse, phyical pain I eat that for lunch, but this ? Maybe I making to much out of this, I just don't know how to act yet; I feel like I still have so much work to do before I sit down and see, talk, and listen to other people. For the first time in my life I'm unsure of myself; I've only been out full time for only about 8 months.
    Heavens to Betsy How's a Transwoman to act?? O God, makeup! Crap!! What to ware? my hair!!
    <Plague rolls her eyes> I freaking out, Really!!!
    I guess if some reads this their going to think...What a cry baby!!!
    How can I make you understand, I'm used to hidding from people not seeing them every week!!
    I know at first everyone's nice, but then when a little time goes by ....people usually tell me to go. They just can't take my crap any more; the story of my life. FYI thats why I call my self Plague.
    Just like a plague you don't want, and you try to get rid of it. A misfit,throw-a-way that's what I am!
    Boy! This really got nagtive in a hurry!! <Deep breath> Ok instead of looking at this as something to get worried about, it could turn out really good too.
    I'm just going to Girl-Up be myself, stop freaking out, and show everyone a little LOVE!
    Now that's more like it!! I may not know how a TG woman is to act ..So I'll just be ME, and that's OK!
    Sorry if this blog disturbs anyone I didnot mean to do that. I just want to keep a diary, or journal of my transition. The good, and the bad; I don't want to pull me punches, just be honest as possible.
    I think this quote, I read applies here it's for Ms. Lucy Montgomery,"In this world you've just got to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, and take whatever God sends."
    Thats just what I'm going to do in this case....Again, I do apologize if I offended anyone. I just really want to fit in at the support group.
    Well that's it, till have something else to blog about....Peace Out..>^.^<
  5. PlagueBubonic
    Well what do I mean by the term, "cleaning out the closet" I mean the, "mental closet." This step is the most important one, that I found in my research, of how to transition from male to female.
    I remembered a lesson, I was tought by a student of Bruce Lee's; who I was being trained by. He tought me to try to achieve the "oneness" this is where a person lines themself up, Physicaly,mentaly, and spiritual.This is very important, when learning any of the marshal arts.
    So I trying to get in balance again. Transtion is what you, the individual makes of it; and I'm learning just what to make of it, that's why I'm cleaning out my closet.
    I'm not afraid of failure, it's just one step closer to success! This is my feelings on the matter.
    I found that I am kinda stuck at a androgynous stage, but thats ok for now.
    I'm making a little progress though; I found that if I wear a bra not a sports bra; I have breast.
    So when I go anywhere I wear my bra, I have gotten used to my girls. However, this makes my chest stand out more, and therefore attract more attension to myself. This is something I don't want to do.
    It does make a little more passable though.
    Thats where I was going with this; accepting myself for who I am..this is part of the cleaning process I figure.
    I'm not trying to fool anyone just trying to, live my life the way I want to present myself, and be happy doing it.
    I know I'm a full-time woman now, and the closet is less cluttered, as well.The other part of the cleaning is to work is on my heart condition, which I do by helping other people.
    I don't know if I've touch someone or not, but I'll keep trying for I know this is the meaning to life.
    To be more self-sacificing this will help me to express my love better, and I just want to do that.
    So I have more cleaning to do, however I'm getting more confortable each, and every time I go out that front door.Building one's selfesteem is something every girl / woman learns form their mothers; I for my part will learn this to; even though my mother is dead now.
    Peace Out for now!!... PS... Please, enjoy your life...for it is far to short.
  6. PlagueBubonic
    I read a article, Ms. Beth had posted in the forum. The story was about a transwoman, who looked at her change as a blessing. After, meditating on this thought I too look at it as a blessing because, it makes us unique ie different; we standout from the crowd.
    I always knew I was speical some how, but I just did not quite know how to express it; till I read that woman's story.
    She helped me to see we are all special! How we need to support each other, love each other, and be there for each other.
    This is regardless how I may personaly feel, about the other person actions, and convictions. The story taught me we must stay united!
    You know, that back in the early 70's the African American people adopted the term brother and sister for each other. Why? you wonder, to keep them united, and because they all had a common goal to end inequality, and injustices done against them as a whole.
    We too need to put a end to the injustices, and end inequality; we need to be taken seriously.
    So I going to take a page for the African American play book, I'm going to look at all LGBT/Crossdressers/Gender Neutral people as my brothers, and my sisters.
    Even if we do not agree on every issue; you will be my Sister, or Brother; even if you don't like me; you will be my Brother, or Sister. I understand that, WE MUST STAY UNITED to keep on the path to victory! No matter what! We have that goal in common; VICTORY!!! I know the only way to defeat us is to break us a part....We must not squabble over miner issues. Furthermore, we need to keep our eyes on the prize! That means even if you disgree with my opinion it does not matter, what does matter is we stay united! All of us.
    Well thats my New Years resolution; I intend to keep this one....LOL
  7. PlagueBubonic

    The End.

    By PlagueBubonic,

    Yep, it is the end of the year; Wow! Am I glad it is over! What a year I had. I got into legal trouble, lost my house, trucks and have to pay $200,000.00 restitution; Oh yes can't forget 5 years probation, and you have to pay that bill too.
    I'm telling you, if this is not enough; then add the fact I have to live with in-laws for a while....
    Pass the bullet! Please.
    At my age most people are look'n ahead to the golden years. I'm look'n for a box, a hole,and dirt!
    This year I also, decided to stop hidding my true self...that's right, Out I Came! No more closet time!!
    This is the best thing I did all year long; for now no more secrets, and sneaking around,finally!
    So for me this is a very special New Year....Life Starts Now!!!
    I'm hoping, and praying this year, will be my year of mercy, love,and courage. I'm going to need all three from what I understand. Researching transition, and seeing the brave people that have come before me I can see this is not an easy path. But good things don't come easy, it takes effort, and strength.
    I'm so happy that I foundTGGuide, and made some friends too. I also have a psychiatrist and she's wonderful, helpful and very understanding.
    I can't wait to find a transgender support group they have called me, and I look forward to meeting them soon. So things are starting to come together; the material stuff can be replaced, that did not define me, nor make me a better person.
    However, my being true to myself will, Yes it will!
    Make me a better person, inside and, to be around.
    Now I'm not going to lie, because this is a new beginning; that means there are losses involved. I've lost friends, family, and my gender identity; which was wrong anyway.
    So this is my starting point; this is a fresh start! I know I'm going to gain everything back plus more. It may just take a while, but that's what I have plenty of time! So yes indeed this is going to be a new year for me, and I look forward to it, a brand new frontier! This is probably why I can face this year coming up with a huge smile on my face, and in my heart. I have no fear, I have to get past that so love can occupy,and fill my heart. This is how I choose to face the new year, I know that blessings lie ahead; I'm just so excited! To see how this year turns out, but for now I'll have to take it one step at a time; one day at a time and keep a song in my heart, and a smile on my face.
    I will not surrender! To the negative side of my thinking. Peace Out!! =^.^=
  8. PlagueBubonic

    Freak'n Out

    By PlagueBubonic,

    The other day something happened to me? I just did'nt quite know how to take it? The reason is all my life I tryed to hide it.

    However, I cannot do that any more. I FREAK-OUT when I saw that my chest grew a lot!

    I guess I did notice it right a way? Now theres no hidding them I have girls now! I don't know if this has happend to someone eles ? I' mean I 'm not on hrt yet, and I not doing/taking anything to make them grow. I do take vitamins but that's it so, where did the girls come from???Like I said, I have had chesticles all my life,ya they were large for a man...but now...holy cow!!
    I felt kinda funny at first; now I'm getting used to them, but it is almost imposable to hide them! And I don't look passable yet! What to do .....what to do....
    Right now I just keep them hid with big shirts & sports bra,however they still stand out.
    Maybe I'll try a big jacket for now?? I mean don't get me wrong I love them, but not looking the way I do right now.
    What to do??
    Well that's todays dilemma, if anybody can help I will appereciate it very much. thank you
    Peace out
  9. PlagueBubonic

    I can measure up!!

    By PlagueBubonic,

    I know this is not a positive post, I feel like putting a *** under my chin and........
    Poof ...Vanish...Who would really care????
    I could not measure up to my mothers expectation for being her little girl; which got me beat and thrown out of the house.
    I can not measure to my own expectations either. People tell me I'm a freak.. other people at church have called me he /she devil. I even feel that the demons in my head tell me, I can't measure up either.
    I guess this stems from looking in the mirror, the reflection I see back is not one I like; that's why I cannot measure up to being a real woman. I know I was not born that way; I'm just tired of feeling so bad.
    Sometimes I call this Pinocchio syndrome; he wanted to be a real little boy but he was a puppet.
    I wanna be a real woman................
    I guess a better name for it is, want to be. Maybe I shouldn't write this at all, however I know I am not alone on my feelings. I know I shouldn't feel bad for myself; but I do.
    There's a song I listened to in one verse it says, " the best dreams I've ever had are the ones I'm dying in."
    Sometimes I feel like these artists can see inside my soul.
    I really don't wanna be this bleu. But something has really thrown me into a stupor, and I just can't take the negative talk anymore. Tired of not measuring up. I'm tired of building myself up; just to be torn down.
    Since I believe in talking it out instead of acting it out; that's why I wrote this. So if I read it I'll try to make sense out of my own thoughts.
  10. PlagueBubonic

    Gift

    By PlagueBubonic,

    Really sometimes I believe that we get gifts in the form of people. These are very special gifts, and their one's to be cherished not exploited.
    Sometimes we don't see the gift that a person truly is;
    theres only one thing to say then, shame on us!
    Yes, it is true some people are very mean spirited; on the other hand, some people are very kind, and loving.
    Discerning, this quilty is it's up to us, the person receiving gift, to open it, to appreciate it, and most of all to take care of it, for they are truly a treasure.
    My grandfather once said, " if you have one real friend in your life you are truly a rich person."
    I must be a millionaire; I don't mean to boast; what I realy mean to say is I have three wonderful people in my life, and I love them dearly.
    I would even take it to the extreme to say," I would die for them!"
    I try, very hard to let them know how much I love them,need them,and feel about them!
    I can only hope they know my true feeling for them??
    I know for a friendship to work, one has to understand that it is a two way street. ie. It's give, and take; that's the way I found it works a true relationship .

    The reason I'm writing this is because, I never really trusted people fully. I guess you could say, I had trust issues; I was kind of antisocial; shame on me!
    I probably had more friends then I realized, I just let them slip away; shame.. on... me!
    So hopefully, someone when they read this, may view their friend a little differently. Or, maybe not that's all up to them.
    This part of my blog is really something about me, about my discovery.
    I know we can all learn from each other.
    Each day has its own challenges however, we don't have to face those alone if, we have special people in our life that truly care for us. the choice is up to us; not to someone eles.
    Good or bad we have to live with our choices, thats life.
    I would like to put a note of caution in here; please understand some people for some unknown reason may not like you very much. Bee careful when you open yourself up they could hurt very badly. When you meet a person like this my advice is, just move on! Life is to short, and too precious to be caught up with a person that does not care for you, much if at all!
    That is what my life experances have tought me...yours could vary.
    This is strictly my opinion....I'm no expert on this stuff.

    All righty then...hope you all have a great holyday, and get everything you want/need!!
    Peace Out >^.^<
  11. PlagueBubonic
    I'm mad as hell and I ain't going to take this CRAP!!!!
    I going to spew venom right now.....and it may upset you to read, so stop right here please.
    However this is how I feel and I need a place to release my frustration!!!
    What hell is wrong with medical system; everything has to have a dollar attached to it!!!
    They say, "I care" I say, "Bull S**T!!!" Ya right, if you are someone rich, or famous maybe than the conversation would be like this "O..O....O just have a seat and I'll listen to you doesn't matter about time"...."NO BIGGY!!!"
    But If you just a common person; then the conversation is, "how much money do you have in the bank?"
    DOESENT ANYBODY CARE????? Am I asking for to much???? I feel like you stupid, STUPID GIRL!!!
    Well it doesn't take long for this girl to wise up, and this woman is putting her foot down!
    I mean really do women who need estrogen do they, need a psychiatrist, therapist, and a support group?? Really!!!
    I don't think so; so what is the point let's rip off the transgender people??
    That's OK because now this woman is going to execute planning A!
    I mean my goodness they're backing this cat into a corner!!
    I know I'm a woman trapped in a man's body,but give a gal a break...Please
    Anyway I don't want to get redundant.
    A womans' got to do what a womans' gotta do!! I will fix this mess some how!!
  12. PlagueBubonic
    Today I found it interesting I finally think I've gone crazy.....seriously!! I used to get so upset at people who would call me names. Today I was at the grocery store and these two guys called me a FAG!!!(sorry for the use of that word.)

    I didn't even look at them I just started to laugh......out loud......I didn't even care..
    This is not my usual response.
    Usually I go off on somebody who called me anything.
    However, these two guys just stood there and than; one of them said,"what's so funny?" I told them what you called me and I said,"it is a funny term for someone who is transgender."
    The one young man looked at the other and said, "whats a transgender?" the other guy said,"I learned about that in college."
    So we satrted to talk and as we did they found out I'm A HUMAN BEING just like them.
    Here is where I got stunned....They apologized, and thought I was pretty cool!
    All this started because I laughed at my self!
    Now I will try to show with words what started me to laugh out loud. they called me a Fag= gay=happy that's all it took for me to start to laugh.
    that's what I thought of!....LOL with me.
    So today I learned to laugh at my self and not take things soooo serious; unless it needs to be taken that way!! I feels pretty good just to laugh again.
  13. PlagueBubonic
    Yes friends did you know there's different types?? Well there is one type builds up a peson's
    self-esteem, and the other destroys it! this not my opinion it is a fact.
    There's two ways to look at criticism. The first way is to feel hurt and rejection.
    Which makes you say to your self.. O you B=brat you want to tell me how to do this, or how I should act ,or look.
    The other way is Wow, this person cares enough to help me to grow!! Yep that right,if i did care for somebody I would not say a word.
    However, some people are very sanative to what is said that's why when you criticize a person do it with caution. This way the point your trying to make is not lost, and you don't hurt the other person.
    O yes that leads me to make this point If I ignore you Is that better than criticizing you. I think the first point is worse than the second point. I know if I did not love someone I would not say a word.
    thats why take the criticizem and embrace it, and it most definntly help you to grow.
    Why do I write this because, it took 45 years to understand this point and now I want to share what I have learned.
  14. PlagueBubonic

    Bad Day!!!

    By PlagueBubonic,

    Today started out not so good; first thing in the morning I got frustrated with myself! I couldnot find a dam thing GRRRRRR than thing got worse from that point! I went for my walk and almost fell flat on face,thank goodness I didnot,but I did through my back out!!!
    However bad the pain was I kept walking, and get more angery untill I thought about how am I going to handle this junk. I know this is going to read strange, but I let my femininity take my thought process over ....when I finally did this; something I thought I couldnot do happend I ....give up the fight, and let the frustration go.
    It was odd, I just started to calm down.
    Then half way around the park I started to feel better, and begain to enjoy me walk My goodness in fact the day turned out pretty good! Got a lot of things done and found what it was I was looking for too.

    This showed me that if I continue to stay clam as posable, my day may turn around 180 degrees.
    Before, I would have been upset all day long and never got a thing done execpt being more pist!
    I enjoy my jounery toward woman hood is getting fun!
    Please understand this is what worked for me, maybe it could work for you, and maybe not everyone different in the matter of mood changes.
  15. PlagueBubonic
    I'm going to start this part of the blog with a scenario........I'll tell you if it is true later.
    Suppose you like to walk in the public park, at around 6:30-7:00am and someone in a car pulls in front of you and starts to make a spspspspsps sound at you. What would you do? How would you react?
    How scared would you be?
    I can't think of anymore questions to ask myself even though there are more.
    Alright I tell you this is true; happend twice to me two days in a row. I becoming a little concerned.
    I put this in here so you could my thinking; I have many choices some good and some not so good.
    What I decided to do is walk some where else it is a big park. Of course I have every right to keep walking there..... right....... Wrong,this is my point, find the easy path and get on it, yes I could stay there and he could have a gun,or knife, and be on drugs too. We all need to look for this path at times especially if danger is lurking around.If you get that funny feeling in your stomach I would listen to it and have.
    When you see most smart people; they take the easy path and I have learned from watch them.
    Stay safe never sorry........be in good spirit...let love rein supreme in you life and peace out.
  16. PlagueBubonic
    If you, whoever you might be start to read this, please read "bump in the road first." So this part of the story will make more sense to you. Thank you.
    Hope, is a funny thing and she can make you go loony looking for her however hard she to maybe to find don't stopping looking.
    I know how hard she is to find from personal experance, and I almost gave in and up to hunt for her.
    However, I'm sure glad I didnot, for God answered my prayers!!!
    I have a real friend......she know who she is and maybe another one as well; this means the world to me. I was looking in the wrong direction; that is all that was wrong.
    In between the the hunt and find, I had time to soul search;I found out I'm impetuous,incorrigible,and in need of acceptance by others. this I know leaves me venerable to hurt, and to feel emotional pain which in my case is worse than the physical pain; I can take that kind of pain all day long, and do.
    So that is why I need to write this in my blog to make sure that someone who is just about ready to give up and in says to them self hay if she could do it I can too. Please, know this as well if you need a friend, and I'm sitll alive I will be their for you...... just find me.
    I promise I will never intentionally hurt you............Here I go with the mushy part again!
    O yes I have to put this in here; If the other woman ever wants to be a real friend of mine. I will leave room in my heart for her too. One woman's lose is another one's gain.
    PS. Never let the Administrators at TTGuide know what's going on? Why ......you ask.....because....they really do care about you and will help you! I an't how I know. LOL :P
  17. PlagueBubonic
    This blog is about my journey how my transtion is progressing well lousy; to sum it up in one word.
    I have to remember that when you show somebody love you have to be ready for the pain of rejection.
    I know that you can only control yourself and not the other person.
    I'm being vague I know; this is because I have not spoken to the other person yet. Which is killing right now. I was just told she is up-set with me for some unknown reason to me? I don't even know if that true either??
    Could be nothing or it could be something?? The part that hurts me the most is just hours before I sent a Email to her and exposed my heart to her.( stupid me)
    Now I feel like ........you figure it out ..........how would you feel. Yep thats how I feel.
    I first was going to kill Plague off forever however, I really love her a lot even if others donot. After a long walk I have decided to keep this woman around for a long while.
    If somebody cannot execpt me for who I am than thats their loss not mine. This is where I draw my line in the sand.
    My other problem is I really like her(as a friend) a lot; God, it would been nice to have a friend.You see I'm a people person meaning I need, and want friends to laugh with to cry with to to to to to to???????

    That was odd I blanked out ( I think I'll leave it for now.) Show what a stupor I'm in.
    You know what the more I keep writing this blog I see I need to drop this shovel and stop dig the hole I'm in. Now I get somewhere.Just stop till I talk with her than i'll up date this blog.
    Till than be in peace of mind and heart.
    Up date yep it is what I thought and I don't care HA....... I still am going to go for the good life friends....Today is a new day I face it STRONG.....Life starts NOW!!!!
  18. PlagueBubonic
    At first I thought when I got to this website (Tgguide) that I was a website whore??
    Tell ya why, I was registered at another site, and was very happy their but, something happend and someone told me to leave.
    ( this was not done by a monitor/Admin/or because I did / said anything wrong.)
    I guess, these people did not care for my company??? I guess??
    So they told me to go........ this hurt me really bad; I felt like here we go again girl REJECTED. T.T
    Then, after a period of time I found this community!!! I was very hesitant to come here. Took a couple of invites to get me to come. But, I 'm ecstatic that I exepted the invation!!! I really like this community and feel at home. So far so good, been making friends and this is exactly what I wanted, and needed. I start to become more positive too;
    this makes someone FEEL GREAT!!!!!
    God, I thank all of you for that; I can't express in words how you all saved my life, seriously.
    When I wrote a bunch of negative words you all keep Email me to make sure that I was better.
    How do you thank somebody for that ??????? Word cannot express how I feel?..........
    Maybe this word, love works for a fellow person! How Kind you all are; now to be making friends OMG you all are going to make me say......... I love you all very much with all my heart!!!!!
    and I 'm not just say'n that you'll see,Please don't change. Good night I 'm getting so mushy look what good people can do for someone so hurt! Here I go again lol
    got to stop or I'll make myself sick
    I guess, you all are going to see this a lot from me from now on LOVE YA!!!!!!!
    I'm so impetuous LOL.............I do mean it though The Blog Hog Thanks you all !
  19. PlagueBubonic

    Who me bipolar?

    By PlagueBubonic,

    Yes,
    thats what phychiatrist told me today she said, "you might be bipolar;" does mean I'm crazy???
    I don't know what to think anymore. So I went to google and looked up "bipolar" so I know what I'm dealing with.
    No body tells this woman she's nuts ( only I can do that.)
    Now, I kind of understand why I have high and lows ; o good god, the lows are the worst;
    I tryed so many times to kill myself; but as you can tell I didnot succeed.
    I also, see why I've been a little to exrteme at times, or a lot to exrteme! I have to try to keep my self in check. This is easier said, than done and I well know this.
    Maybe this also, explains why I've had a hard time keeping friends throught my life?? They could/would not put up with the quick mood changes. I see I have a tough road to travle;thats ok I'm not afraid I'm a big girl.This will not beat me but, it could possibly define me.
    I know this all depends upon me and only me,for I have nobody who cares about me anymore.
    I'll face my challenges and look them square in the eye; I WILL SURVIVE!
    No matter what comes my way. Now the good part of this blog ......If I can and will do this someone else can to just don't give up, or in to the bad toughts. I'm no different than anybody else.
    I know that we all are unique in many ways; as well as,being the same too.
    If I were to tell you all that transspied and all that I lost over the past year; you all would say stop fighting just give up! many of my X friends did in fact they were waiting for me to kill myself.
    ( I know this because they told me so)
    However, that is another story for another time, and blog. This ties in this way I spent hours and hours racking my brain why did this bad thing happen ? Who did I hurt? what did I steal?
    I sank to the lowest level I had ever experienced I never thought a person could lose everything they worked for all their life long.
    you can not imagine what it feels like, and I hope you never do.
    this is where I was going with this; salvation I found it!!
    the bipolar keeps a person in the down mode when you crash and I crashed hard.
    this is the salvation I have found, HOPE ..........yes hope that things will get better, and they are.
    I stopped lying to myself and others. Than what re discovered music, yes music and I ran to it and hid in it for a while. Thats the one thing I found that great people have HOPE. So whoever you are if you read this and understand it please keep hope alive in you struggle It will get better I promise.
  20. PlagueBubonic
    Well today, I had to look up what is a bolg used for. I did not want to be a BLOG HOG LOL
    I guess I'm using thing right? LOL
    Now on to the point; the other day I was chatting with my little sister (she is MtF also.)
    She was not happy for she felt, I was further along the transition high-way than her.
    This made her feel sad
    As we were talking a thought popped in my head? This is not a race enjoy the trip down the path toward your goal.
    So I told her what my thought was, and tryed to show her how much progress she has made.
    Then this illustration came to me and I thought I post it in my blog and share....oink,oink LOL
    (Look up at the top of the post to get the joke.)
    It's like this if you travel on a high way, not all the cars go at the same speed, right?
    some are faster, some slower hopefully all reach their destination safe and sound.
    The same is true for transpeople (hope this term is ok) this is each person walk and no one can do it for you.
    we can give support, encouragement, and cheer you a long. However, the pace, you travel is yours not someone eles. Please enjoy the trip that's part of the fun (I think) yes, it can get frustrating at times! But It is yours and nobody can take that away from you. Ok then I just want to blog this hope it may help someone?? Like me .........Speed demon here lol :D
  21. PlagueBubonic
    To day I looked up this quote from Lucy Maud Montgomery. it read,"in this world you've just got to hope for the best and prepare for the worst and take whatever God sends."
    When I came to think about this I found it is quite deep in meaning.
    when you link this to a life in transition it takes on a great meaning to me. This is what I got ;
    We must never lose hope, and seek to get the best we can. If we donot quite get what we want then we should get ready for the consequence, but never give up hope. The most important part of this to me, is the last part take what God give's you and never give it back. I just love to learn; This is what I got out of it; Please share yours with me,I like to see what you got from it?
    Peace Out >^-^<
  22. PlagueBubonic
    I 've learned somethings in the past years that I like to share; it is this, it's not how a person looks on the outside; but how they project the inside look out- ward.
    What I mean by this, is your heart condition; love must come through. It doesn't matter if you are drop dead gorgeous, if the inside is rotten.
    Now that I am 51 years old, and not drop dead gorgeous; people are accepting because I'm projecting love. This is no matter how they treat me, or what they call me.
    I finally see that if you treat someone with respect, kindness, and love you will get it back ten fold.
    Yes I know, the cliché "never judge a book by its cover," however we all do that, and yes I agreed that are appearance is important; what I'm getting after is even more benifical; the heart condition.
    Please understand, I'm not trying to hurt anyone; I'm trying to help by sharing some of the steps I have taken in my journey of transition.
    This post is meant to inspire not tear down, give hope, and courage. But above all it is to tell my story.
    These are my steps and if they can help someone who might be struggling;
    that's what I wish to do!
    Furthermore, the helping other is another step, and so is showing mercy to yourself, and others.
    OMG I just gave out four steps!! Now you and I can progress down the transition highway together.
    LOL And if you wish (whoever you are) we don't have to travle the highway alone.
    You help me, and I help you.
    PS... Ms. Lori, I'm soooooo greatful to you for the nice comments you have said, thanks very much and keep spreading the love; just like peanut butter!! LOL
    OhOhOh, wait I forgot, how to show mercy to yourself; what I did is I went to the mirror and told myself, "it's ok to fail; I still love you!!!" Then I gave myself a big hug.
    I no sounds silly, but it worked for me! Peace Out all >^.^<
  23. PlagueBubonic

    Never Surrender

    By PlagueBubonic,

    The most traumatic experience of my life happened about a year ago. It darn near destroyed me!
    For the first time in my life I was convicted of a serious crime.
    I had to plead guilty to one count of attempted perjury this cost me five years of my life and $200,000.00 in restutition.
    However, on the bright side it is also given me a new beginning. It is help me to become truthful about who and what I am. I intend to use this experience as a starting point in my life. I will never surrender!
    People expected me to commit suicide, I even plan it out and took serious steps to achieving that goal. This conviction has cost me everything I've lost it all. The only thing I did not lose was my family they stood by me and are still standing by me.
    Even the Elders in my X church; all have shunned me. This is due to two reasons, first the conviction of the crime, next coming out of the closet; letting them know I am a woman in a man's body. I understand that there believes will not let them except me. So when I say I lost it all; I mean everything monetarily and spiritually I've truly hit rock bottom. And this all happened last year. But I will never surrender nor given to feelings of worthlessness.
    I guess you could say I learned the hard way through "the school of hard nocks." But then I realized this LIFE STARTS NOW!
    This has now changed me for the better for now I look for the path of least resistance and get on it. I have learned to stop fighting, and start loving. I now see how love will coucur all obstacles!
    I intend to use love, and spread it around just like peanut butter!!! LOL
    Please understand I am not special (unique yes.) So if I can still stand after all this that has happened to me SO CAN YOU; NEVER SURRENDER!!!!
    If you wish; I will be your friend, and will not abandon you I will love, and accept you just the way you are.......BEAUTIFUL.
    Peace Out =^.^=
  24. PlagueBubonic
    First I want to say, please don't pity me thanks.
    When I was borned my mother dress me as a girl; she always wanted a little girl. So for the first nine years of my life thats all I knew;dresses, Barbies,and being mommy's little girl.
    Then things changed in a hurry for me with out a explanation ( I mean in a matter of days.) My mother burned all my girl stuff all of it. Then replaced them with boys clohtes I did not understand why?
    I guess it was because, I started public school?
    Please understand I do not hate her for this. Now that I am older I am just trying to figure this out and I can't ask her why for is dead. In fact all my family is dead so I can not get answers to this and other questions. As I was growing up I had to learn english and stop dressing up as a girl this was very difficult for me.I love to dressup; but, I had to be mommy's little man now.
    This when on till I hit age 12 then I became very violent and thought this is how to get respect from people? (act out instead of talk out.)
    My behaviour got me thrown out on the streets.So think about it 12-13 years of age,alone, scared and no where to go? This is when I learned about friends (so called) one of my friends raped me.
    Sorry this is getting hard to write.
    This why I would like to be accepted and not tolerated.

    Let me give a scenario of why I thought violence was the right path to take. I only remember bits and pieces of my past. However this one stands out; one of my little girl friends gave a white dress it was very pretty and I wore it to school one day. Remember this time period was late 1960's.
    I was beat bloody and my dress was distroyed by my class mates. This is just an example not a excuse of poor behaviour.
    I'll continue a little later this is bring up many bad memories, but if can help someone that is struggling then my life will not be a waste.
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