MindOrMirror added a blog entry in Mind Or Mirror: Sam's BlogMy Journey So Far
I so suck at writing but here goes. I am biologically a male in my early 30s at this point. I wanted to create this blog to be able to write wherever I am about the truth of what goes on in my mind and heart. Truth is I mostly hide from the world in real life and stay away from many people that do not know the real me. I will explain more as I write more here. I used to have another personal diary online years ago where I opened up about things but I got locked out of that one through changing emails and such and then couldn’t recover my password, etc. I tried to start a new one over at this other unnamed site but the format and everything has changed so much and it looks to complicated. Hopefully this one works better. I do have a hand written journal but I am better actually typing things out instead of hand writing them.
So, I don’t want to babble on about that. I will open up more personally about me (pictures and such along my journey) but not really going to be sharing details such location, etc while I am coming out here and starting my journey. Mainly to prevent any privacy issues with family members and such finding this and reading about what really goes on in my brain, in my heart and behind closed doors. Also, there have been some hate crimes where I live. More on that another time. I am sure one of my closest friends will be reading this blog but I trust them with my life so. Though I am not positive they will.
A short and not so sweet bio of me is this: I suffered from mental and physical abuse from childhood up through my teen years and the main consequence of this was developing what is called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Most would know it more as having split or multiple personalities. I have now suffered from this since the early 1990s and it is not fun though it has improved greatly to where I can function in society. I have male and female personalities. The most prominent one being female. She is the alter who is in control the most. Sometimes I think even more than me. Her being female and the most prominent alter I know she is a part of who I am deep in my being but being free and happy as a female. I have always related to girls more than guys since I was a kid. I always played with girls in school more than boys and always flocked to my girl cousins as well. I even was more interested in “girl” toys, books, movies, etc while I was alone. Heck, I even wanted to play Barbies, My Little Pony more than the action figure stuff growing up. I remember adopting my Aunt’s baby doll that she still have from when she was a child when I was 7 years old and loved it and wanted it with me always until my parents got rid of it out of embarrassment. My grandmother even hand made me a Cabbage Patch Doll after I insisted on having one like my 3 girl cousins had their own. (they were one of the most popular girl toys in the 80s). That disappeared after a few years as well. I was biologically a boy after all and according to my parents I needed to act like one. Mainly I think because of my father. He was and still is a “man’s man” and yes even a “homophobe” I realise now. My father even forced me to stop referring to him as “Daddy” when I was 8 years old as this was not boyish to him. AS a teenager hearing words like “I wont have my boys being cocksuckers. You have never ever bring home any boys.” So classy. He will never change. Most of his family is the same way. Even my younger brother now.
To this day as an adult I find myself fitting in with women more than men and wishing I was one physically. Yes, it is also not a strange thing for someone to question my sexual orientation. My main sexual history has been with women though. I have enjoyed sex with women sometimes, though it was less of a “sexual attraction” and more of enjoying having physical love from someone. Experiencing them as the people they are, sharing love and admiring and wishing I had the same biological body as they did. That was always the true me in my mind and in my heart. Then of course there was my female alter fully living female life quietly, though not in a sexual way. There have been some “connections” I have had with males physically but I may talk about that in other posts. Obviously I just spoke about my family, that would have really made the shit hit the fan. I guess officially I can say I am bisexual as I do find myself attracted to guys as well however and if I at this point I can see myself in a relationship with a guy and not have an issues with it. I am open to either gender. At times though I am just not very “sexual” at all. Many times I can see myself also just not having that type of relationship with someone and just living life with out sex I guess. Though I would love to have that strong connection with someone through everything of my being and to share my journey, life and everything with. No matter what gender.
I would and I and am working towards the possibility of physically transitioning into who I am inside. I do have a friend who is a pre op transgendered female to male. I identify with him a lot and I know my female alter, does a lot being completely female in every way without any confusion or fear, taking that fact and running with it but stuck in my biologically male body. I can say without question if I had a choice to magically change my gender I would make myself female without thinking twice and be thrilled about it. That being said, I havent been out in public in “female” clothes and makeup (except on Halloween). I am in the early stages of transitioning so not decided on, nor do I have the financial resources to go having surgeries or taking female hormones at this point or see myself doing it at any point in the future until I get myself financially secure and living in a more comfortable area. The extent of that so far has been having long hair or my female alter wearing a wig, painting nails, wearing make up, etc when in private or around my closest friends and as I said Halloween where I was in my glory. I do shave what body hair I do have as I have never liked it. That never caused much of a problem as I have never been a super hairy person. Even for a male body. I know that might sound weird to most. I dress mostly covered a lot of the time. As I said in so many ways I am forced to be male but I am starting to take this journey as I need to be happy.
I have never been really close with my parents, my one and only brother, or any of my extended family as an adult. In many ways it is for the best as I have to pretend to be “manly” around them. I see my brother and grandparents maybe once or twice a year and even then it is not for very long and my mother maybe once every six weeks for a few minutes. My father lives on the other side of the country so it is maybe once a year as well. I smile when my father and brother make a comment “That’s so gay.” about what I am watching, saying, listening to, etc. If only they knew the true me.
I have been out of work at this point for almost a year due to “health reasons” which have a lot to do with what I have just been talking about. More the DID and depression though my condition with that is improving a lot.I will have to go back to work here soon though. More pretending to get used to but I am feeling very positive about my future and hoping to be able to fully come out sooner than later to everyone and be the happy true female me. So I know this turned into an extremely long post but I wanted to tell a bit about me. I doubt anyone will really be reading this crap anyway. Anyone, who does I think you very, very much as I need all the support really right now.
Until next time. I hope to post lots more to share what is on my mind.
Sam xo ♥
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