I'm sorry, I really could not think of a better topic title.
As this is also my first post on this forum, I feel I should introduce myself a bit more.
I'm a 22 year old male, a recent graduate, who is (secretly) fond of crossdressing. I consider myself either straight or asexual.
Throughout the years, I have noticed how I felt more and more attracted towards crossdressing. I think it's that age-old cliché of "loving women so much, that I want to be one" (I think I got that quote from Ed Wood). I haven't crossdressed that much in my life (I still live with my unknowing parents). Throughout the years, I asked female friends if e.g. I could join their girlsnights and I would be willing to dress up. I always put it forward as some sort of absurd joke or a bet, so I wouldn't be seen as someone who really wants to dress up like a girl. I know...i'm a coward.
However, this kind of behaviour has taken its toll. Being both a crossdresser as well as a virgin, doesn't really make me feel "succesful". I have started to overthink my life, and for all sorts of reasons, paranoia has ensued. I write this message in tears. I have been feeling enormously depressed in this last month. I haven't left the house in two weeks, I lost 6,6 pounds in a week..and I'm feeling suicidal, and have thought frequently about ending it alltogether.
I can partly explain this by some events that have occurred over the last few weeks. As it is well known, facebook, google, etc keeps all our data (this has been in the news frequently). Consequently, I feel strong emotions in regards to privacy (what if my parents/friends get to hear this??). This has resulted in some sort of paranoia. This is where it all goes downhill. I see myself as a freak, a loser, etc. I am most ashamed actually about youtube videos I used to watch. I remember looking up tv show episodes where the male characters had to dress up as the opposite sex in order to escape from something. Also footage of people who lost a bet and had to where a dress, etc. I watched those things regularly on youtube. Why? Not because I was sexually aroused, but because I wanted to be in a situation where I had to dress up as the opposite sex, much like the people in the youtubeclip. I feel utterly utterly ashamed by it. I start to feel like I was a pedophile, or some sort of sexual predator, which I swear by all means, I'm not!!! I really can't seem to handle this burden much longer. I was wondering if there are some people here who recognise themselves in this story and are willing to give some advice or want to cool me down. I'm starting to feel like I cannot think clearly anymore.
Again, it's like the Beatles sang:
When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way (now)
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured (and now I find)
Now I find, I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors
Thanks in advance