bluemoon

emma, it sounds like you are continually progressing in accepting yourself more and more fully as transgender... exploring and even questioning yourself and answering your questions in different ways over and over again is probably part of that process, and especially valuable with the support and validation of others. that's just what you and probably all of us need to help in that process. you seem to usually come away from your therapist with more appreciation of yourself as emma and of course all of us here cherish you that way. I wonder if part of your explorations also involves the uncertainty of to what extent you identify as a female and how far you need and want and can optimally go in that, which may be two or three or more different things.

bravo with your communicating so well, supporting each other, and balancing your needs, even through being sick, which is such a challenge in itself. it seems like the dust is settling from the initial discovery shock and awe, and that there is much more security about your relationship and that you know each other so well, despite the one big new area, which means much less fear of the unknown. it's also great, kittennikki, that you are seem more content and less depressed since you can be yourself and perhaps closer than ever to bree. besides the relief and letting go of some big fears and inhibitions, maybe also making you feel better is the thrill or adventure of your new toys, clothes, explorations, and incredible acceptance and attention from bree in the most extraordinary ways. anyway, there's nothing like knowing you're loved and accepted!

bree, hope you feel better soon and get lots of chicken soup or chicken soup for the soul... good thing you're not a giraffe.

bree,so much of your focus has been on nikki and meeting nikki's needs and that makes sense at the very beginning of the initial revelation. now, though, there has to be a place for both you meeting your needs and each other's on an ongoing basis, so I'm glad you're finding your voice or word to help you in that. that's sort of a second phase now with the new or changing nikki who has never been openly in a relationship to learn to share, not just feelings but understanding of you and your needs, and new for you to deal with that entity or aspect while staying true to yourself too. I think you are doing wonderfully in that incredibly challenging process which draws so heavily on every form of communication.

well maybe even better if you're not fighting over the same pieces.

I think it would be fun to share clothes if and when you reach that point.

I love that comment by your therapist and hope you're listening to emma more. we need her, but so do you.

well, I'm so glad I told you my thoughts and that I've had a chance to get to know you a little here.

you look marvelous, and that's the least interesting thing about you.

bree, it was a little hard for me to follow the details... I'm easily confused... but think I understood the main points and am thrilled that you made close contact with a friend going through a difficult time with her partner, even though a different kind, and that you had so much to share and help each other with through your understanding, support, and friendship. I also understand about the twix bar (v day always a good excuse for the forbidden fruit) and wishing to be a turtle, but I always wanted to be a cat and prefer chocolate, but as a cat I guess it would be catnip or tall grass or roast beef.

there is something in a name... something powerful in its sound and relation to identity, so it must feel so good, validating, and accepting to hear others call you luna, which is much more your true name than anyone else gave or could give you.

emma, I'm so sorry that your wife doesn't join you in your exploration and transformation with the energy and enthusiasm that bree does with nikki. of course, she's a rare and special creature to be that involved and excited about it. it's clear that stems not only from her devotion to him, but her being bisexual and more open or fluid than most about these things and in her overall persona. you show a lot of maturity and wisdom in knowing your limitations with your wife and willingness to sustain a compromise that works to keep your relationship and love intact and alive, without necessarily pursuing your ultimate fantasies. having that lasting love relationship is so valuable and more than many, perhaps most people have, trans or otherwise. you also seem to give yourself the acceptance and freedom to be who you are inside, which is what counts the most. i hope also being yourself here and being here for all of us adds to the richness of your life and satisfaction as a wonderful trans spirit.

bree, that is probably the most real, genuine, insightful, and well expressed writing I’ve read in a long time. I totally understand what you’re saying and you explained it extremely well. in my intersex experience, all the women that I’ve been with accepted the feminine part of my identity and sexuality and were wonderful in making love to me as a woman, some with great desire, genuine involvement, passion, and even a little transformation of their own, and a few more mainly to please me rather than for their own or mutual gratification. my saving grace is that they never have to face or contemplate losing the male part of me and the kind of full-on sexual intercourse that they crave and need. most women that I’ve been with absolutely love that and are willing to play lesbians and even be part-time lesbians, but would never want to give that up. sex is so core, partly primal or animalistic. it has a life of its own. it's like a cat. it chooses us rather than we choosing it. I sense that nikki is a long way from transitioning fully from male to female and not mapping that out, but also understand that you think about everything and are aware of the fluidity and uncertainty of it all. There's also the sting of the deception from before and its continuing effects in wondering what might happen next or later in nikki's world that will affect yours. sex, identity, and gender are powerful, but so is love and bonding and you two are so strong in that.

jobs are a little like families in that you don't pick your co-workers, hardly ever anyway. you just have to get along with them as well as possible and not let any conflicts or mismatches hurt your work or your feelings more than they have to. of course, sometimes you get lucky and work with great people or meet your best friend or partner there, which changes everything. the dancing must be a pure joy for you and so great you found your bliss.

kittennikki (i kind of like nikkikitten, too), it's getting late, but just wanted to say how great it is to hear both your experiences with each other and the dialog between the two of you.

that's sad, but families rarely live up to the hype or expectations. most of us can freely share very little with family and feel truly supported, much less something like that... and by most, i mean in the whole world, not just the transgender realm. i have always found my support from friends, especially my girlfriend. hope your excitement and joy far outweigh the sadness/disappointment part. that is so great and brave!

brie, that is so sweet about the necklace. another amazing storyline. nikki, aren't you going to fight back?

emma, I love the openness, support, and wisdom you and many others are expressing. I just wanted to add a few little things - like how wonderful you are and supportive to everyone else, so I'm glad you said how you felt and reached out when you needed it. sometimes I'm too sensitive too, but I like and prefers others like me in that way. also, besides being part of a special group here with added vulnerabilities, I want to assure you that others outside our group are also way more sensitive, insecure, and vulnerable than they appear. in particular, some of the people I've known that appear the most phenomenally together, successful, and happy with themselves and their lives turn out to be ones with the biggest, most difficult inner struggles and insecurities, even though hardly anyone knows it. we all second-guess and criticize ourselves at times. sometimes, it may be self-defeating, but sometimes it's part of soul searching or something we need go through to finally come back to reassuring ourselves that we are on the best path for ourselves. sometimes we don't know things for sure without questioning them. sometimes, it covers over other feelings, like such as fear or sadness over the loss of something being left behind. still, I love veronica's quote, don't kick your own ass! the universe has first dibbs! - bluemoon

luna, very brave and wonderful... must be such an incredible time in your life, even if some of that inevitable and all too normal anxst mixed in with the immense excitement, happiness, relief, and everything else in the swirl of setting yourself free. - bluemoon

luna, you seem such a kindred spirit.... my male and female parts or aspects are both attracted to women rather than men, especially women at least a little androgynous. the traditional gender roles or rules of dating are occasionally a barrier or problem, but they can also be an early/quick screening device to know if someone is not a good match. I would be really interested in hearing about how it goes dating women as a female and if you openly reveal your transgender status in your profile - no judgment there, just curiosity about how your presentation plays out in your responses from other women. I also love when women initiate things, such as getting together, cuddling, and more. it's wonderful that you are taking a further step in exploring your femaleness and need for relationships with you as you true self.