WarrenG

So....been another hurtful, stressful, discouraging day. Yesterday's bulls*** has dragged on my mind all night, limiting my sleep, and bringing me down today. She purposefully calls me her "daughter kristy" just to piss me off....I dont get it... 14 hours ago Me:Please dont call me your daughter kristy because I am neither of those things. I dont appreciate the post you put up. It's really disrespectful. I sent her that^^^^^message and she has since blocked me... So, yeah. I'm a little down. But here's my youtube vid for this week....I ranted a little (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6rUxRUs8t4) Warren

​ I refuse to take medication that is only making me worse, or doing nothing at all. No point in filling my body with toxins if I have no benefit from it whatsoever. And I have nowhere to go, and no funds to do it. I step out of my room and am instantly degraded and made to feel like shit. No one benefits from my experience because no on in my community or around me give a s*** that I exist. Theyd rather i disappeared than to have a transgender in their town/state/lives

So, first off I want to apologize for my last blog post, I apparently was having a bad day/night and needed to vent. I do want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement and assure you that I am less RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRR today and more ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz JUST BECAUSE IM THAT BIPOLAR. Yup, that is my life. SO, on another note, it IS Wednesday, and as some of you may know, it is my YOUTUBE POST day. So I have posted my weekly youtube post, and here ya go>>>> or (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y04F-D5GmvU) for those of you that the video doesnt show up on. Just...ya know.....click it. I SAID CLICK IT~! Surprised that I have a good handful of subscribers already but who knows? Maybe this was a good idea after all! Gives me something to do anyway. Otherwise nothing going on. Therapist still wont send me my files, I have to call them AGAIN in about an hour, which leads me to wonder if I even have a file or if she was just bullshitting me the whole time and has NOTHING written down which would annoy me to no end. And despite what I have been told, I have decided to stop taking my Zoloft. Not only because I've been off from it for two weeks anyway (headache free, might I add) but because I notice NO DIFFERENCE with taking it versus NOT taking it. I get the same depressing outcome anyway, so.......why add more chemicals to my day if they're not at least beneficial? Seems a waste. ANYWHORE, I'm going out for dinner at Papa Gino's (pizza place) with the bf tonight despite my soul-crushing dysphoria, so wish me luck on that one that I dont have a mental breakdown and shatter some faces . SIDENOTE: Omagerd I soooooo wanna get some transpride buttons for my backpack or something. I'm not so huge on the tshirts because for whatever reason I almost feel awkward (not embarrassed just.....pass) on wearing my trans pride shirts. Simply because I get a lot of awkward stares or disapproving glares WHICH I KNOW I SHOULD IGNORE but it still gets to me. SO, I think I'll stick to my plaids. Havent cut in two-or three- days so I guess that's a plus. Got all my aggrivation out I guess, I dont know. STAY AWESOME. Warren

Sometimes I cant help but wonder if its really just the bipolar that puts me down. That beats me down, puts me in the dirt, and keeps my face in the sludge while laughing in my face. Ever time I seem to be doing fine…every time things are looking up, something always grabs me by the throat and shoves me back down. Puts me in my place. Regardless of how far I’ve come, regardless of how many people I help, and regardless of how well I can front a smile---its breaking me down just to get up in the mornings. I don’t want to eat. I cant sleep more than a few hours at night, or eighteen without warning. I cant keep my hands away from my blades, and away from my arm. I cant get up in the morning with optimism without having something, ANYTHING, reminding me that I’m a waste of space and I’m not going anywhere. Maybe no one said anything bad to me. Maybe people finally left me alone for ten minutes without getting in my face. Regardless, I still cannot remove myself from the darkness within the confines of my own mind. There’s times when all I want to do is wander off and start a fight with someone I don’t even know. To feel the crunch of bone under my fist and the sting of broken knuckles. To FEEL SOMETHING. Other than the life crushing depression and anger that swallows me up all the time. Yeah, I have my medications. No, I haven’t been taking them. Why? Because they don’t help me regardless. I can be faithful with them, taking my pills every morning like a good little spud. But that night you’ll still find me curled up and bloodied. You’ll still find me reaching for those blades, and you will absolutely still find me angry at the whole world with no one to blame. I have no reason to be pissed off. I have no reason to be depressed. But I am. I feel as though the whole world is against me, although I’m not even out in that world. I stay hidden in my room, moping. Laying in bed in all hours of the day, just staring at the ceiling. Nothing to occupy my time. And if I did have something, I don’t enjoy it. Nothing I do keeps me satisfied for more than an hour or two. I fall asleep at four in the morning, aching with backpain. My head throbbing from furious aggression boiling up with nothing to dispense it on. Every turn I take, something’s blocking the path. Every time I raise my fists to free up my path again, I get lost. Something turns me around, and I start walking in circles. It’s like living in my own personal labrynth, invisible to everyone but me. All the turns look the same, all the paths walked on already. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I haven’t seen my doctor about any of this because what’s the point? They’ll just give me more medications that make me more sick than healthy. There’s nothing they can do about my overwhelming dysphoria that seems to shred every existence of a calm. I cant look in the mirror without a skull cracking aggressive response to want to shatter the glass with my bare fists. I cant shower without glancing down at myself and wanting to beat and bruise myself until I cant take it anymore. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I’m so damn angry all the time I cant even cry. I mentioned my issues to a professional and all she did was direct me to a suicide hotline. Here’s my input on it though. Anyone who’s suicidal and feels beyond help, isn’t going to SEEK that help. They don’t want to pick up the phone and listen to someone fake up all these reasons that they’re important and need to stick with it! They don’t know you, they don’t know your problems, and even if you explain it, how the hell is one more stranger involved in your life supposed to heal your anguish? I thought I was doing better. I thought I was getting by. I thought wrong. I cant even talk to my sisters without wanting to just shut my ipod off, roll over in bed and play dead. I get angry over nothing. Snap about nothing. Complain then feel like crap for involving other people in my problems. Useless waste of breath, just to ruin someone elses day and drag them down with you. And it's not even their faults. My Sister Des does everything, EVERYTHING she can to try and make me happy. Sending me messages every morning to make sure I'm okay. Trying her best to cheer me up and remind me that words are only words, and no one can ruin my life unless I let them. But.....I just cant stop myself. I have no control over my own emotions anymore. I remember being like this when I was sixteen. My only solution was to go out and f*** away my problems with people I hardly knew, just to feel all my energy and anger be used up and wasted away. But it never really got rid of my emotional overload. Just made them fester and question myself. My sexuality, my identity, my personal worth…I just sit here and stare at nothing. Think nothing. Fists shaking and a bountiful pile of bloodied tissue next to me. Yes, I cut. I’m not even ashamed of it. Why should I be? Some people smoke and get lung cancer. Some people smoke weed and rot their brains. Some people shoot up and destroy their organs. Some people are alcoholics and destroy their lives. I made little slices, watch it bleed, and call it a night. I’m not hurting anyone, and its not going to kill me. It’s no where deep enough to even be a risk. So why f***ing stop? What’s the point? I don’t want my breasts. I want them gone, and it’s a struggle every day not to just do it myself. I like my hair short, despite the backstabbing crap I hear from my boyfriends mother behind my back about it. I HATE being called a girl all day by her. Being called Kristy. Being told she will never ever accept me as I am. Being lied about. Her and my mother and my older sister running their f***ing mouths saying “SHE is only that sexuality because SHE WANTS ATTENTION”. “SHE is only transgender because SHE WANTS ATTENTION” “SHE only cuts herself because SHE WANTS ATTENTION” “SHE only changed her name because SHE WANTS ATTENTION” HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION NOW? Because that’s all anyone seems to think that I need. Attention. When all I really want….is for everyone to leave me alone. I just…. I just want to feel….okay. I’m sick of helping everyone else when I know, I KNOW, I cant even help myself. I just want to disappear… And I don’t know why I’m even blogging this… But there you go. My blog for the night. Enjoy. Warren. Or, I guess, Kristy. Since that's all anyone seems to care about outside of my computer.

Well now I have proof, and these are from the worldwide transgender surgery guide pages. There's no way they can say they dont apply in my state. It's WORLD WIDE. So....they can bite me XD although I'd still have to have a letter from a Gender therapist before I can do it, which is reasonable I guess. So I'm waiting to hear from the insurance people to see if I was accepted for insurance, then I'll contact a Gender Therapist and start talking to them about transition. If they approve it, all I'll have left to do is earn the money. Still have the whole gofundme thing running but I dont see it going too too far. The little bit in it does help like crazy, but I still have a good 8k to earn lol. We'll get there! Warren

I got busy doing something here at home and completely forgot to post a blog >.< Forgive me! You know I love you all and would never forget you! Just the blog...... So it was a while ago, and I dont remember if I showed you all, but here goes nothing. I finally got my letter Now, I'm still working on getting a simular letter form my ex-therapist, Joan. Along with a copy of my file. But she's been increasingly stubborn on the subject and they still have not sent one, even after me paying to print out a release form, sign it, and drive it over to them. BUT, on another hand, I have something for the Gender Therapist and Surgeons. Next time they want to throw the "you have to go on hormones" thing in my face, I'll have back up. "Do I need to be on testosterone in order to have top surgery?" "Top surgery does NOT require Hormones. Many of the patients over the years have not been on hormones and never plan on taking hormones. A male contour can still be achieved" So, HA! TAKE THAT YOU BULLSHITTER!! Cant pull the wool over MY eyes! Oh yeah, and here's weezie lol shes feeling much better! Your bud, Warren

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvix8PtHXNw))) Hopefully that doesnt go to the full video screen like it kept doing >.< In regards to a new job, no, not yet. As of right now, I have applied to 19 places and none have taken a bite :/ with time though, I suppose. Otherwise, I do have a few papers I'll post to a blog for you guys later, cant remember if I showed you but I got pretty excited about them With love, Warren

So I figured I'd stop in with yet another update, on two things. First off, the dog I were helping care for down the road (Weezie) is doing much better! Her owner/mother took her to an emergency veterinary clinic because she were still very worried about her. I were supposed to go with her but overslept and never got her messages, so I missed it. BUT, The vets decided to keep her overnight because of her age so they could examine her and run a few tests. They found that she were severely dehydrated, so she was put on an IV overnight, and much to her delight, spoonfed food. I were correct on the gas, afterall, and they found that she had a gastro-intestinal blockage. Given another week or so, she probably would have passed away. Also the severe shedding were simply because she is an older dog, and we did have a really hard winter, So this is what they refer to as a "hard shed" due to excess oils in her hair and its just a LOT more than normal. I'm pleased to report that she is doing MUCH better and is roaming around very happily, freshly groomed and bathed, her nails clipped and ears cleaned. She got very pampered and she loved it! She's now walking and roaming back to normal, and is fully able to get herself up and around without assistance. Also, It's wednesday!! Which means another youtube video It were certainly a bit longer than I had planned, but I were half awake this morning so it's sort of slapped together >.< Enjoy, and feel free to give me ideas and whatnot Lots of love and not much to report otherwise, Warren

Hey guys, girls and uniques So someone asked me to update everyone on the new look for my gofundme account, and I'll include that below. Not much has happened really, not much to blog about anyway. Aside from my neighbor calling in tears because her elderly doberman-mutt dog, Wheezie, was told to be put down by an emergency Vet. The poor 13 yr old pup was laying on the floor in her own feces, whining and unable to stand, her hind legs stretched out towards her front awkwardly. My neighbor, who is like a mother to me, was reasonably very upset. So I got some home remedies (cats claw and tumeric) to bring down and help little Wheezie with the pain. I was able to get the old girl up onto her feet after feeling her stomach, and realizing she were very gassy. Almost like Colic. Only intending on getting her up and moving around to help with the pain, I were relieved that she were more than willing to relieve herself OUTSIDE. Thats why she was whining! The poor baby knows she's not allowed to make messes in the house, but she simply couldnt stand up to go out. So after some help and walking around, I were very impressed to see her start walking around without my assistance with holding up her waist with a towel wrapped around her. She moved better as time went on, and I came to the conclusion that her Vet....is an idiot. She's not dying, she has a hip problem, and cannot get up on her own. She's old. He judged her inability to live simply because her hair is falling out in clumps (duh, its spring. she's shedding!) and didnt even feel her hips or digestion to give her a proper exam. I grew up around animals from bears, hawks, deer, a dozen pet raccoons and even a pet skunk. Horses, cows, ducks, you name it! I'm not animal-stupid, that's for sure. And even a low-tech Vet Tech like me could tell this animal isnt ready to die. After giving her Cats Claw and Tumeric with dinner, I told my neighbor (Anne Marie) that I would be down later tonight with a dog halter/harness (like a vest) to help her outside to use the bathroom. I were extremely pleased and surprised, however, not only to find her laying on the blankets I had laid down for her---but she got up, on her own! No assistance needed, and she went down the stairs (though a bit wobbly) without my help. Drastic Improvement! Hoping for the best for the old girl! Warren http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand <<<<<<<updated version

I've been seeing a lot of hate lately towards the gorgeous Caitlyn Jenner, and frankly...its saddening. I know it is difficult for people to understand the gravity and complexity of being Transgendered unless they have LIVED it. No one will understand it unless they have witnessed it in their own lives, or gone through the judgement of something in which you have no control. Many saying she is no hero. She is not courageous. Well what you may not realize, is she is a hero. Perhaps not a metal of honor or a survivor of a battle, but a hero to others who aspire to be like her. To the Transgender Community. You see, there are many levels of courage. It all depends on who is looking at it. Not saying that soldiers arent courageous, dont get me wrong! They have a lot of courage and guts, and I know it takes a lot of heart, soul and dedication to be a soldier in war. But no matter what they do they'll always be considered a hero. Transgenders.....no matter what we do, we're freaks and outcasts. A soldier can wear his uniform in public and get handshakes and appreciation. Transgenders get beat up and pointed at and parents shooing their kids away. Suffering names like "tranny" and "fa**ot" and countless other things. We cannot even use the correct bathrooms, or ANY public bathroom, without ridicule and heart breaking judgement. Just...you know....just saying. I know you're gonna say "well soldiers die for their country" and I agree with that fact, though I may not agree with the reasons for them to give their lives, but nevertheless I agree that its tragic. But transgenders also die... Maybe not for their country, maybe not in uniforms, and maybe not with honor. But for their lack of identity and ability to be who they truely are. They commit suicide from abandonment of their families and friends. Because the mental turmoil and cruelty they endure is just as big of a battle as one overseas. And if they dont commit suicide...they're sometimes even murdered. For being alive.... Just food for thought. Warren

I meant the tighter shirts in favor for the MTFs to try and add volume to their appearence, though I dont recommend them for the FTMs. But those are good points about the logos, I forgot about those noted.

Anyone who had a youtube account, please feel free to subscribe to me, I'll be trying to put out new videos every wednesday

Super short blog, since we dont have the shout feature anymore My new video!! Enjoy Warren

Sometimes I wonder if the life I live is actually just some sick and twisted nightmare, then other times I just assume I’m in limbo somewhere for some unspeakable crime against humanity. Then other times I cant help but wonder if any of the “reality” is reality at all. Or if maybe the whole universe is just split up into atoms within an alien computer somewhere and they’re fooling around with the system like some weird outer space version of The Sims. But maybe that’s just my creative writer coming out and saying “Yo, dummy, get back to your books you weirdo” But that’s beside the point I guess. Either I’m real flesh and blood with some issues, or I’m some alien Sims with my body switched with some dude with an attitude. Either way I guess I can live with it ANYWHO, I suppose you all would like an update on the comings, goings, and interesting phenomenon that is involved with this freakishly creative individual we call Ren-Ren-Rawr (apparently what my bf calls me instead of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” because hes not comfy with bf, and I’m not comfy with gf) So yesterday, I had a rather productive day and got my butt in gear and drove the (almost) hour long drive to the larger hospital in my area, Dartmouth Hitchcock (the name still cracks me up!) and went up to the financial aid help center about my 5,000+$ bill with them. Last time I went (cant remember if I told ya’ll) was NOT an enjoyable experience in the least. The woman (unnamed) were rude, ruthless, unhelpful and discriminative. She made it abundantly clear that she were NOT going to use my preferred pronouns, my now-legal name, etc etc. And made a point to tell me that she is in basic control of all the financial aid paperwork, emails, etc so I would still have to deal with her no matter what I do, PLUS her telling me that I am NOT allowed to set up payments for my overdue account until they go to collections, which to me sounded like absolute manure. I left heartbroken and ridiculously annoyed. ON THE CONTRARY, this time, I went up to the front desk and asked to be seen for applying for financial aid now that I’m basically jobless. I also mentioned that whoever was on my file the last time I were there, I would like to NOT see because she were rude and disrespectful. The secretary seemed surprised but nodded in acceptance. So I waited about half an hour and finally were seen, by a woman named April who were AMAZING. Super understanding, patient, and fun to talk to. I explained the situation that happened last time I were there, and she were reasonably furious. Immediately she wrote down whatever I told her about the last woman I saw, and said she would immediately speak to her manager about the situation once our meeting was over, and assured me that she would keep my name off the report. Which made me feel much better, I’ll admit. She were very understanding and when I let her know that I preferred MALE pronouns, she promptly agreed and not once did she faulter! She walked me through the state insurance application, helped me with it and printed out a copy for me to keep on hand before emailing it out. Then she went through the paper application with me and assured me she would send it to both THAT hospital and to another that I also owe money to. I explained my situation with the needs for transgender therapy and my hopefulness for surgery in the future, and she then went to her manager to make sure that the insurance she were helping me sign up for would cover most, if not all, of those things that I were looking for. She was, in the best description, a life saver. I left (after two hours lol) feeling relieved and hopeful, and saved her business card so that I can give her a stunning review on their appointment outcome papers. (Found this and thought it was awesome :P) Right after, I stopped in at my regular doctor’s office and let her know that I would like a paper from her stating that she DOES agree that I have gender dysphoria, and that she is aware of my issues with the dysphoria and is in support of me starting treatment for it. I also asked for a copy of my file from my ex-therapist Joan, along with a letter from her as well about my dysphoria. My plan (helped from another friend) is to take these papers, and the files, to the Gender Therapist when I get insurance to talk to him. That way there is evidence that I have had this diagnosis for a while, and have been publicly living as a male for some time, and hopefully be able to skip over the year’s worth of gender therapy and get closer to surgery. I’m very hopeful on this, but I’m not fool enough to assume it WILL work. But it’s worth a try! Otherwise, things are going alright I’m getting an update on my nightmare medication as those issues have returned, unfortunately. But nothing I cant handle, I assure you. I tried a “Root Beer” beer as well, and although I am NOT a fan of beer, I actually really liked this one! It does have that hint of beer to it, but is mostly overridden by the root beer flavor It was delightful, and I cannot wait to try it in a rootbeer float!! It’s called “Not your Father’s Rootbeer” in case you’re wondering My youtube channel is getting closer to being started, and I will film my first “episode” this coming Wednesday. When it is fully posted, I will certainly share the link with everyone This one will be my introduction, and also about some quick ‘fashion tips for transgenders’. Feel free to hit me up with ideas or subscribe! The channel is “DubstepHeartbeat” in case you’re wondering. (a giggle for you) Well, I think that’s it for this blog post. I’ll let you know if I have anything else to yammer on about Your Buddy, Warren

I have my complaints but none are bugging me atm XD I'll post a blog soon, updating everyone. Thanks but seriously, loving the pics, you got that bright and cheeriness shining through!

Gorgous photos!

I didnt actually draw the cartoon, was something I found, but thanks! We're gonna try again for the beach next friday maybe, still in debate. Hopefully we can! I soooooo wanna go As for the HRT, I agree. Sounds like crap. I plan to call and talk to a surgeon when I get the chance this week, and although I cant make any plans until I have a job, it's worth looking into. Warren

Hey, Ladies and Gents and Uniques. It's me again. As I sit here on memorial day, sipping a Mikes Hard Lemonaid, I decided a good random blog was overdue. First off, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It was much appreciated to read them . On the note of my trip to the ocean, it....didnt exactly go as planned. At all. We got up at a decent time, stopped at the local gas station and gathered ourselves some drinks for the three hour ride. Everything started out so smoothly! You're starting to catch my hint, arent you? Well, we missed a turn on the busy four-lane interstate, but we soon shrugged it off. We knew we'd get a little lost anyway, so we didnt panic. An added adventure! Well one wrong turn turned into about an extra hour of wandering around cluelessly. Somehow we managed to find ourselves on familiar roads, and headed towards our destination. Plum Island Beach, MA. I love going to the Plum Island Nature Reserve, because they have a wonderful beach. Although it would be mostly closed for Plover season (bird nesting), I knew that the back section would still be open so we'd be all set! I was very....very mistaken. We pulled up to the entrance, and found ourselves sitting in a line of about eight other cars. No big deal, I thought. We just hit a random rush, that's all. How wrong I was......They were turning people away because they were so full, they had no more room for anyone to even enter. We travelled three hours, only to be told to go away. My heart sunk, and I was destroyed with disappointment. Now grumpy and sulking, I drove us away and headed further up to another beach. But it were the same situation. "Beach Full". So we kept going....and going....and going....We were on the road a total of seven hours. No where to stop, no beaches with room, and after two hours in traffic to travel the distance of ONE mile. I was soooooooooo SO done. I just wanted to go home at this point. I didnt want to deal with it anymore. My depression had already been in full swing this week, and going to the ocean was supposed to be my reprieve from it all. Only for it to be thrown back in my face like....well...sand in my eyes. Only I never got to get to the sand. The most ocean I saw was whatever I could spot over the guardrails as we drove along the coast. Depressing and infuriating. Eventually I got so annoyed with getting lost AGAIN and not knowing where the hell I were going, that I left the driver's seat and had my boyfriend drive instead. Worst part? This whole trip was to take my little sister to the ocean, who was visiting and looking forward to it. Though she swears its no big deal and she's totally fine with it, I knew she were disappointed. That's what p***ed me off the most. I failed. On another note, just the day before which totally ruined my hopes-----That CEO I were supposed to talk to? Well, we talked, and he gave me names of two women to get ahold of for some help. One is apparently very popular and into politics, so for her safety, there is NO contact information for her. The other, who we will simply call "K", had a phone number. So of course I called her. She answered with a rather sharp tone, demanding to know who I was and what I wanted. I explained that I were told to contact her (we had already agreed to call eachother thru an email) and who my friend was who told me who she was, and what my situation was. She seemed rather bent out of shape already, but I couldnt help but detect a bit of annoyance and hostility about the phonecall. She demanded to know what I had done to help my transition, as if questioning my willingness to work for it. I explained that I couldnt do much because my state is limited on help for the transgender individuals, and that since losing my job, I also lost insurance. She demanded to know why I didnt have insurance, and I told her that it's hard to find one right now that will accept me. Then she wanted to know what I had done on my part to get closer to surgery. I informed her that I had managed to save up 2k$ of the 9k$ needed for surgery. She cut me off, demanding to know who told me it was a 9k$ surgery. I told her that it was from the surgeon, and she wanted to know WHO. Name, facility, etc. I told her I didnt remember, because I didnt feel the need to look more into those details until I had the funds to get the surgery. I explained that they told me no surgery without HRT for one full year. At that point, she cut all ties to the conversation. In lack of other ways to explain it, it felt very much like she were, in fact, SCOLDING me for contacting her if I had not had HRT yet. Even though I told her that the main reason for it was because I have no funds to pay for the hormones yet, she still acted as though I were wasting her time. Saying that no one will ever touch any of my surgeries unless I take hormones, in a rather rude and forceful way. I kept my tone even and explained that I understood, apologized for disturbing her, and wished her a good rest of the day. But once I hung up, I will admit, I were reduced to tears. I'm so tired of the dead ends. The walking in circles for nothing. Ending up empty handed. It seems nothing wants to go my way, or even CLOSE to my way.In hopes that maybe, MAYBE it would help, I did contact the place I used to have a therapist at. One of the things someone has mentioned was that I might get passed hormone requirements IF I have records from a professional stating that I have had transgender dysphoria for a while, and records of me discussing my distaste for starting hormones until after surgery. So I contacted the therapists office and left a message, asking for copies of all my records and notes for a gender therapist later on. Hopefully I'll get a call back tomorrow, and can pick them up later. Not only for future use, but maybe I'll get a better idea on what the hell my therapist was scribbling on her notebook all the time I was with her. Be a good read, anyway. On ANOTHER note (Just noticed I say that a lot. Oh, one more after this!) My hair is cut, dyed, and styled. And I love it Although I'm still slightly annoyed with the situation that went on while at the salon (details in previous blog) I cannot deny that she knows how I want my hair and hits the nail on the head every time. The blue color didnt stay like I'd hoped, but it's no big deal. I like the blackness of it. I miss having black hair Plus for some reason I feel like I'm more confident with it. Suits me better, I think. The second note (oh lawd...) is that I am FINALLY going to kick myself in the butt and put together my youtube channel. Although I havent loaded any videos yet, I have it set up and ready to go! DubstepHeartbeat is the name of the channel, and it will be dedicated to personal videos on being transgender, trans tips for ftm AND mtf, my transition experiences, etc. After my intro video, one of the first topics I had been asked to discuss was "not trans enough". I have that pretty well figured out, but I would LOVE any ideas for topics that you guys can think of I'd like to post videos weekly, and get the ball rolling. Though I may be doing them in my car every week (only place I can talk openly without people overhearing and being jerks) it'll be an interesting experience nonetheless. Wish me luck, and talk to you all soon, Warren

Sometimes I cant help but wonder why I bother trying. Why I push so hard to make things right... Today's my birthday, yes that much is true. And it werent a 'bad' day, and my bfs family and whatnot did what they could to make it nice for me. But I'll admit, it was a little hurtful not to see "Warren" or "Ren" on my birthday card. Due to butting heads about it, they left it blank...Instead of a birthday cake, they did a various sliced cheesecake...most likely to avoid the name situation again. Why is it so goddamn hard to use a name that I LEGALLY claimed as my own? Just thinking about the stubbornness makes me tear up...It's not fair... Although the beach trip was postponed from Saturday to Sunday for better weather, I cant help but get super grumpy at the same time every night, not sure why. Consistantly, every single night, I get overwhelmingly p***ed off every time at absolutely nothing, making people around me miserable. I dont mean to do it, it just....happens... I'm gaining weight back, which doesnt really sit well with me, making me even MORE depressed. I joined a transgender support group on facebook which, at first, was great. Made me feel good to talk to other FTMs and whatnot, but recently I've found it more and more depressing. Watching other transguys go through their lives successfully with supportive family and friends, getting their surgery dates and starting hormones....I dont have any of that. I have two supportive people, and the rest are "tollerating" my "condition". I cant afford my surgery. I cant afford hormones...I literally cannot help but cry like a baby when I think about how long I'll be stuck with these f***ing "tumors"....I want them gone. Perminatly. I dont want a half-assed downsizing, I want them GONE. G.O.N.E. I'm just....so tired of waiting...Nothing is going anywhere. I'm walking in circles it seems. Nothing I do changes any of it. At least, that's what it feels like. I've found myself curling up in a ball trying to sleep, crying and thinking about it all. I'm stuck in a hole..... My state has nothing to help me with, as if it's bound and determined to keep me in my "feminine place". My insurance was useless when I DID have it, and now that I dont have any at all, it hurts even more. Everywhere I turn to, turns into a dead end. Endless loops. Anyone I meet who is supposed to help, cant. Anyone I hope to understand, doesnt. I'm just so lost...Even now, thinking about how much I'm in the dark on direction, I start to tear up. I've fallen back into that dark corner of my mind, regardless of what I do. I took a double dose of my muscle relaxant, as I were told I'm allowed to, just to try and sleep and escape my grief. Come to find out, I cannot handle that much, and had a reaction to it. I dont even remember damaging my bicep, all over again....and now...I'm hooked all over again. It's all I think about. All that crosses my mind. Dare I say, the habit has captured me in my vulnerable state once more. Went to the salon today to get my hair cut....A place where my hairstylist KNOWS that I'm transgendered. We've talked about it and I gave a brief discussion, and she'd never questioned it before. Never had a problem, and I loved going there! I still do, to a degree.....She hired another boothrenter, or another stylist you could put it, to help her with the work load. This 2nd hairdresser seemed nice enough, really. I didnt have an issue with her for the most part. But...she kept repeatedly calling me feminine pronouns and such, and it was really starting to bug me...Waiting for MY stylist to say something only seemed to hurt more when she said "Why dont you go let this sit while I cut your sisters hair?" to my little sister...about me...... Dare I say it, my heart broke a little. I smiled and ignored it, but it hurt...it still hurts...I know some of it is on my part for not stepping up and saying something about it, but how could I? Not without it making a scene or upsetting someone. It just....it hurts....everything hurts. Emotionally I'm exhausted. Mentally I'm conflicted. Physically I'm weak. I cannot go to bed without getting so frustrated I end up punching parts of myself because I just hate them. I hate them being there. I hate seeing them. I hate feeling them. I hate literally EVERYTHING about them... I dont even regret self harming...I'm not hurting anyone but myself. And sometimes its the only relief I get, and none of it is life threatening. So what does it really f***ing matter? If no one can help me with my gender problems, how the hell do I expect someone to help me with my harming problems? I'm a wreck, and I'll just have to deal with it. Lay in the mud of the trench that is my life. Occasionally I have the little flowers that pop up out of the mud like you guys, my boyfriend or two sisters. But basically....that's it. And its hard to see them through all the mud and darkness.... I just...dont know what to do anymore... I almost dont even care anymore. Warren (new hair. mastered the fake smile) .

No AAP? And the CEO guy was a dead end....he cant help almost at all because he only covers NY areas....my state hates me.

I cant help but feel slightly offbalanced knowing that I haven’t posted a blog in a while, and that my last blog was rather…eh, how to put it…..rabid? Furious? Either way, I’m not entirely proud of it and I apologize for the negative ranting that you all so lovingly put up with. Sometimes we just got to get it out of our systems I guess. No worries though, today’s is less snapping teeth and clenched fists. Today is sort of just a wander around and poking at flowers while caving in anthills type of blog. So, I did meet with my doctor for my last insurance-covered visit, just to get an update on meds and whatnot. So since around this time last year I have officially lost aprox’ 30pnds. Either from feeling more myself with the transition, maybe depression meds, or maybe it was just gonna happen anyway; either way I’m glad for it. Though I don’t feel like I have more energy, and my fight with clothing still persists, I do feel slightly better knowing I weigh a bit less. Aside from the rather lose and baggy skin left over, I’m a little happier with my body. I cannot credit it to workouts, however, because I’ve honestly not done enough of it to even consider it being a contribute to the weight loss. It’s too hard to breathe and function during workouts with such a heavy bust, and I applaude any woman who can do it comfortably. In other news, my neighbor/mom/gramma (she hasn’t decided which she likes best lol, SUPER supportive of my transgender awesomeness) has hooked me up over facebook with her friend Alan, who apparently is HUGE into LGBTQI rights(apparently the new LGBT) and is a CEO or something for some big company. Apparently he wants to talk to me about my transgenderness and the surgery thing and whatnot. Naturally I’m nervous as hell to talk to him, and not sure what to expect out of all of this. But hell, its worth a shot right? You never know. Ive joined a few groups on facebook for a little boost of support and know-how, such as a Pansexual group and a few transgender groups. It’s rather uplifting to talk to other ‘uniques’ such as myself, and I’m proud to be a confident panda (pansexual. We have a nickname! Schweet!) And although I cannot rule out thoughts of self harm now and again, I am a little proud to say that I am 100% healed and haven’t harmed since I quit my job. So that’s good I guess. Naturally I still have thoughts and such, but so far with the help of my sister (not biological but I’ll be damned if she aint my sister!) Destinee, I’ve been able to withhold these urges and stay clean of it. I slowly got more into photography again, though its only here and there, because the bugs in my area are HORRIBLE and I hate going outside with these little bastards and getting eaten alive. But I have noticed that my area of interest has been the sky, and I rather enjoy “screenshooting” the clouds. I’ll post some pics with this blog to show some, from the most recent thunderstorm in my area. Other than that, there isn’t much to talk about in this blog, as nothing has been too awfully exciting lately. Although my little sister/bro (theyre still figuring out, but may be gender fluid, which is totally fine with me) is coming down this week (after a frustrating debate with my mother on letting them come down -_-) for my birthday My birthday is May 22nd, so this Friday, and I’m turning 23 I’m taking my lil punk to the hair salon, and the both of us are gonna get cuts and they might bleach theirs. I don’t think I’ll bleach mine but am looking into dying it dark blue just for something different! Then, hopefully, the plum island beach on Saturday! So excited! I’m an ocean-aholic……. Sending you more pics soon, Warren

Well first off, I'd like to start out with 'WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE GUIDE?!" Although some change is good, I've found it a little difficult to navigate the site and find my things and whatnot.....not 100% I'm a fan of this new set up....I'm not even sure if I'm blogging in my usual place or if this is just going to float around randomly... Anyway, back to the blog. So it has been made very obvious to me that I have anger issues, according to.....well, I dont know. The world? My anger problems has basically ruined my job which I had to quit for more reasons than one but, yes, it basically came down to my attitude problem. But as the few weeks have passed I've come to realize that I am a very bipolar, angry person sometimes. Mostly during the evening. During the day, right after taking my usual poison (all the damn meds my doc shoves at me) I'm alright. I'm usually in a tollerable mood, for the most part. But in the afternoons....I loose it. The littlest things p*** me right the f*** off. Misspelling things. Dropping things. Banging my elbow on something, not getting comfortable--ANYTHING sets me off into a rage and I just dont feel like I can deal with it. But the last thing I want is to complain to my doc and have her tell me to take even more meds. I'm so f***ing done with taking that crap. I'm sick of it. I have to take muscle relaxant meds for my back at night now because I cant sleep, and I told her that I now have to sleep in an upright position else I cant breathe because of these stupid (what I wanted to say was more like ****ing ***hole ****ing pieces of horse **** that I cannot ****ing stand, but let's keep it civil) but I've basically been told that theres nothing anyone can do about it unless I opt for breast reduction. News Flash: I do NOT want to go through a surgery that I do NOT WANT, only to have to deal with the depression of STILL HAVING THEM, and THEN deal with maybe going into surgery for a SECOND TIME and pay a SECOND BILL to finally finish what I wanted done in the first place. I seriously, seriously ****ing refuse to do it! If they're not willing to take care of the problem 100% then its not worth fighting with. I'm just....I'm so...so...so done.... I havent cut in about two....maybe three weeks. My bicep looks flawless, tanned, healed....like it never happened. That's the strange thing about my "habit"...it almost never scars. So when its over and done with and I'm alright again, it's like nothing ever happened. I have no proof of my mental turmoil. No concrete evidence of my torment and depression. Not that it should matter, having the scars. But it's almost frustrating. After all the pain and anger and tears that went into it all...and nothing shows from it. My dysphoria has gotten worse. The constant nagging of having 44DD breasts bound tightly in nearly three shirts, suffocating, sweating like a farm animal; yet mentally I'm always stressing that they can still be seen. That the people around me can still see through my agonizing cover-up, and inside they're laughing at me. Judging me. Mocking my existance. What God would be so cruel as to force this onto a person? What had I done wrong to anyone to deserve such mental anguish? The embarrassment, the depression, and annoyance and anger........Yes, I have anger issues. Yes, I have anxiety problems. And yes, I have an attitude problem at times. But now I have to ask....Do you really, truely, seriously f***ing blame me? My mother mocks me behind my back, telling others lies and embarrassing rumors about my "attention seeking lifestyle". That I'm only transgendered for the attention. That I paid the 130$ to change my name, for attention. That I went through the bulls*** to get a new Social Security card....for attention. That I'm an embarrassment to her. To the family. My older sister keeps me from the nieces I've put so much on the line to protect and keep happy. My boyfriends family refuses to give in even a little bit to my new name or pronouns, and on top of all the crap I have to deal with from people who are my "family"...I then have to deal with my own problems. The constant desire to hide in the bathroom away from the world. The napping all day simply because if I'm awake, I have to wear my binders and be around people. The literal consideration of serious mutilation in order for the hospitals to HAVE to remove that which I despise. I didnt used to be this bad. I didnt used to think, act, feel, or behave like this. I was getting better....I hadnt dont any self harm. But now....I dont feel like I can keep that back. Hell, I shoved something down the front of my jeans today only because that emptiness made me feel sick. I've never had to go that far...I was comfortable with my lower half. I didnt like it, but I was comfortable with it. Now it's like I cannot handle any of it. And now that I have no insurance, no job, no life basically.....the hell else am I supposed to do? The gofundme has been a bust, and understandably. Everyone's broke, no one sees it as something nessesary or worthy, plus with all the stuff going on around the world like the shoots and Nepal and the earthquakes; my request seems childish and downright stupid. Selfish. I keep having thoughts, a voice I guess you could say. The phrases and sentences muttered in my voice, my tone, but not things I would normally grumble. Theyre depressing and only infuriate me even more. I'm not sure what to do anymore, except simply go back to bed. Good news is that this time last year, I weighted 236pnds. Today I weighed in at 204pnds. Guess that's good. Maybe, I dont know. Now I have lose, disgusting, annoying skin. Whatever..... Off to another pointless nap. Warren

I were half tempted to start a youtube channel but my internet sucks badly and i dont have a good setup area or subjects to talk about. My boyfriend wants to start one off to do video gaming with, like Markiplier (awesome by the way, check him out)