Emma

Good for you. We spend so much of our lives fretting about diving into the deep end. As trans women we know that all too well. Is your move risky? Of course it is. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I was born, raised, and called California my home until just over two years ago. I wonder where your son is located. From my perspective California is a nice place to visit but Oregon and Washington are where to settle. At least in the more liberal areas such as the Seattle and Puget Sound area. I hope it all goes fabulously for you in Eugene, I mean that.

Hey Michelle, Eugene, as most of Oregon, is a very nice place to live. And hey, Seattle is less than 300 miles north! It would be fun to meet someday. I recall your perseverance and positive attitude to your Aflac sales efforts. It's no surprise to me that your manager and you have become friends. I'm sure he was so grateful to have someone like you on his team. Best wishes, Emma

Dee, Yes, it's risky and life-changing to transition and your questions are natural. And since we're transitioning from a male body it's unlikely for most of us that we'll ever be as attractive and naturally feminine as we've dreamed. It may help to consider two states of being: 1. Remain as you are. What a relief! Except, we know that it's far from ideal and has brought up all sorts of sadness and depression for so long. It's not going to be fulfilling or come near to achieving contentment. 2. Become your authentic self, which may be a (trans) woman. I put the "trans" in parentheses because as we transition we're striving to be the feminine person we need to be to achieve sufficient relief from gender dysphoria and the joy and contentment of finally living authentically. But no matter how "far we go" we will always be transgender. Even beautiful women like Laverne Cox are and always will be trans. The journey between "1" and "2" is scary, uncertain, and fraught with risks. It's unfair that we have to go through this but it is what it is. I believe in taking small steps, evaluating how it feels after any euphoria has declined. Consider how contended you feel, how your gender dysphoria feelings are mitigated, and try to determine where this step finds you: * This is enough, I've arrived! * I don't like this, I feel I've gone too far, and wish to undo this step. * I like it but now that I'm here I find that I wish to go further. Then, follow your path, perhaps back, perhaps forward. And please note that it's okay to change your mind later. But what if you've done something like surgery, which is obviously not undoable. For me I was surprised and gratified to find that when I reached that point the decision was easy. Earlier, I never would have said that. I'm sure you've heard that after transition we still carry whatever emotional baggage we had before. Maybe a little lighter since we're finally being authentic but all the other crap comes along. I think this is where I need to emphasize that mental therapy and perhaps psychological meds are so important, before, during, and after transition. That you asked this question says to me that you know you're not content now. I know this feeling all so well. For me, I am much much more content with my life than I've ever been. And yet when I look in the mirror and listen to my voice I know that I'm evidently trans. Now, I could get stuck in the mud of these negative feelings but I try to choose not to. I get together with friends for dinners, camping, hiking. I also just started a ballet exercise class! (It's tough.) I think that finding contentment is what we as humans struggle to achieve throughout our lives. It's a never ending journey that we wish we didn't have to take but it's in our nature. For me a cornerstone was finally acknowledging that I'm trans and then transitioning. Where will you find contentment? I can't answer that for you except to say that it's unlikely you'll find it by staying in the status quo.

Dee, i just came across this, and it feels so right for me. Maybe for you too: https://medium.com/@hallb1710/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab Emma

Hi Dee, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. In my own way I’ve experienced much of the same and it sucks, it hurts, and it is so depressing. I’ve also had to face the fact that I’ll never be a cis woman. I’m seen as trans and stand out as trans. The thing is that we are what we are. Rare, yes. Unusual, sure. And having a strange arc of our lives, raised as one gender, doing what we thought we wanted and should, and only now as we are older, confronting our reality. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we are granted our opportunity to finally be our authentic selves. I sure wish I had been born female, I really do. It’s depressing to think about how there’s nothing I can do to change that. How to contend with depression and take advantage of your alone time? - Go take a long walk and look at plants, trees, animals, water, and the sunset. - Do a teensy tiny bit on the project you had planned on working on. - Go have a nice cup of coffee or tea. - Treat yourself to something for Dee. Order it from Amazon or something. You have plenty of time to receive it! Consider ordering two, in different sizes, and return one or both if it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it. - Write in your journal. - Take a nap. I’m sure that none of this is going to really fix things for you. Being transgender is freaking hard at times.

BA, I’m sorry to read this from you, I really am. I wonder if you’ve seen a psychiatrist and/or are taking meds. I am (Celexa and Wellbutrin). I literally couldn’t live without them. Of course, if you don’t know why you’re so depressed I certainly can’t tell you. Sometimes it helps to just forget “chasing the whys” and accept that yes, at this moment, you’re feeling depressed. Note that there is a difference between feeling depressed and being depressed. The latter adds weight to the problem and the former acknowledges that the feeling while likely ebb and flow like most feelings. So, what to do? One thing that I and others have found helpful is to consider what you would do if you didn’t have this issue, you free of the pain. Consider brainstorming with yourself, write down your ideas, and as time passes you’ll think of more. Write those down too. Then consider what you can do now. Do it or at least get started. Hopefully that will reduce some of your stress and depression.

Hey Dee, It does hurt to be forgotten or an after-thought, and as we are trans it hurts all the more because we may take some responsibility for our own pain. The thing is that it’s wrong on so many levels when we are forgotten. I hope you had a wonderful Father's Day. For me, I have two sons, 35 and 31 years old. The 35 year old didn't even send an email. The 31 year old phoned to wish me a nice day and then proceeded to try to manipulate me into giving him money. Both of their behaviors are unrelated to my being trans or having transitioned, and both still call me Dad and that's fine with me. It's tough being a parent... and trans... Emma

Hi Dee, I'm amazed that I'm joining this conversation so late! I loved reading about your wonderful time at Trans Pride. Your photos look fantastic! Good for you, very good. I don't mean to push you in any direction but I'll say that your experience with going out and about as a woman parallels mine. It was like I was finally out just being myself and it was so enjoyable, like a weight had been removed from my back and my mind. What and when will you go out again? Best wishes, Emma

My advice... drive carefully and have fun!!!

Yeah, I keep at it, trying to just be myself and let my freak flag fly. That’s what we used to say back in the day about our long hair. It felt cool to stand up against the Establishment. Funny that at my ripe age that it’s more important for me to assimilate. The main problem, my therapist advised this morning, is that I get too wrapped up in my thinking patterns, which have been my go-to patterns for ~60 years. The key is to recognize the thinking and then focus attention elsewhere, on almost anything, to break the pattern even momentarily. That’s my assignment for this week, give it a try. Aye aye, Cap’n! Will do.

I hiked up to Teanaway Ridge (https://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/iron-bear) yesterday with Philippa, Juliette, and Clara. The weather, spring flowers, and amazing views of the Cascade Mountains were perfect, as was the after-hike beer and munchies. The hike was hard going for me since it was my first hike since my GCS/BA in late January. It was fun getting to know Clara and Juliette who are mid-30s, married to each other. Full of smiles and youthful energy and enthusiasm. The thing is that I believe I'll always be recognized as trans, and I feel it holding me apart from the community of women. That said, there is a limit on what I'll subject myself to, to pass, which is not a heck of a lot. I've worked on my voice a lot, had FFS, and wear a small amount of makeup (not yesterday of course). So I think it's fair to say that I'm seen as a trans woman and those in the know only know and refer to me as Emma, with appropriate pronouns. I have an awareness that I'm different, and not in a good way. Sure, that's a judgement that I put on myself. I wonder if I had pride in being trans that it would be easier. I'm always so self-conscious. My voice, my face, shout out my reality and I don't like it, always feeling like I'm different. I am thus torn between wanting to be social versus retreating into a shell, solitary with my self-conscious defenses lowered.

Dee, I agree with Christy and Jess: go out for a day or two, be mentally prepared to feel awkward at times but also to bask in the euphoria of presenting authentically. Indeed, finding your comfortable style(s) is an exercise in trial and error but everything in life is. Perhaps in the evenings you can update your blog here so we can follow along!

Yeah, I wondered if she was connected to other people in your life. I understand all too well that you can't share anything about your being trans with her at least for now. That kind of blowback was something I stressed over so much. Even in high school I had a great girlfriend. I kind of broached the subject about wearing girl's clothing; she was up for trying it out but I was just too shy and ashamed about the whole thing, and also terrified that my doing this would get out. So, asking her is all about when you're ready (or already have) come out. Good for you to wait.

Dee, I'm so sorry for your loss especially at this time in your life. I'm not at all surprised that you handled all the mix-ups and confusion with grace. About beer vs. white wine: One thing to remember please is that it's perfectly okay to enjoy whatever you do regardless of your gender and presentation. Maybe you like to work on cars or have a hobby that men more typically enjoy. The key words are "more typically" because we all know of cis women who enjoy whatever you might think of. It's not as if we suddenly have to be delighted by quilting or sewing. Sure, having a beer was good for a lighthearted joke but I wish you won't add the stress of deciding what you "should and shouldn't" do (and want to do). "How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!" Consider telling her and finding out! Regardless, I can't wait to read a full report of your weekend. Yes it's both exciting and terrifying. Remember, fear is kind of like a wall, and on the other side of the wall is a kind of freedom. Emma

My ex-wife and I talked yesterday for ninety minutes on the phone. We got caught up on each others lives after not speaking for three weeks due to my facial surgery recovery and her trip to Mexico. That was all well and good until near the end of the call when she said that we need to reduce the frequency of our calls to monthly. She started crying as she told me how unhappy she is, nothing to really look forward to, that sort of thing. It's been two years since I left her in California and this year she turns 70. She's also having problems with her knees that were replaced, her back which seems to be trying to unsuccessfully compensate for her knees. She's a mess while I'm living up here in Seattle having more or less the time of my life. Sure, I have my own issues. My facial surgeries went fine but I have lots of numbness all over, including my scalp. It's so weird to feel (or not feel) ones skin and scalp. Very uncomfortable. It's been less than three weeks since the surgery but hey, I'm impatient even while plenty of doctors have advised that I need to give it a year. My vulva is also kind of uncomfortable too. Not nearly as much as a couple of months ago but it's another discomfort that keeps it's presence known, all of which keeps me kind of pooped out. I'm lucky that I'm retired and able to sleep in and take naps. Since talking with my ex-wife yesterday I'm feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility for her feelings. We were married for twenty years and still care for each other a lot. Before we were married I confessed my occasional cross-dressing. We were in bed with the lights out. I was so ashamed, and yet felt that I had to confess, get it out. I felt that our love was so strong that she'd be my supporter and we would navigate this together. Instead, she threw me out of the room. I slept fitfully on the couch. The following morning she came out and said that if we were to stay together that 1) I'd throw out all of my female clothing, and 2) we'd never discuss this again. I agreed and meant it, and I followed through when we returned home after a short vacation. But as we all know this was just like another purge cycle. I couldn't deny my authentic spirit as much as I tried to suppress it. Over the years of our marriage I secretly bought small clothing items to wear when she wasn't home or to bring with me while on business trips to wear at night. She occasionally tripped over them in my hiding places, and as time progressed she often coached me that some of my gestures and behaviors were overly feminine. That sucked so much. I felt like I'd returned to being a child trying to be on my best behavior, self-correcting so as to avoid reprimands. And yet I did it because... why? I guess it was because I felt so ashamed. I was also afraid that our relationship would dissolve. She's supportive of me now. She sent some jewelry to me a few weeks ago. Intellectually she understands that my being trans is valid and real. I suppose she's just wrestling with her own sadness that for whatever reasons she can't see herself with me now as my authentic self. I've told her and I think she understands that deep down I'm the same person. And yet... It's so hard to hear her cry, the anguish in her voice. I feel guilty that I wasn't more adamant before we were married. Maybe I was selfish. I'm so sorry that I hurt her, I really am.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I signed up for a bicycle ride/benefit for cancer research for the summer of 2017 with my male name but ordered a women's jersey. Not that it was that much different. And even when I picked it up at the event I was shy about it. But it felt good, as if even in that small way I was being authentic whether anyone recognized it or not. No one did but... I knew. Good on you for having your facial hair almost done being removed. I've had to stall my removal as my face is recovering from FFS. I have to shave every other day which sucks, especially because my face is so numb and odd feeling. It's creepy to shave on numb skin. Small price to pay I suppose but hey, it's still uncomfortable!

Dee, Another idea: develop a list of possible trans conferences, both in Europe and sure, in the US. Consider attending at least one, and start making plans to go. Gender Odyssey, a conference here in Seattle, was the first time I presented as female in public. It was in August 2017. I was originally planning to gradually add to my presentation over the three days but a mentor advised that I just go for it. I so enjoyed myself! Just walking around as myself, attending lectures and discussions, hanging out and making friends. i'd suggest Gender Odyssey for you but they've discontinued the adult program; their now focused on families and professionals. But there are others. For example, here's one near me that starts in three weeks: https://www.espritconf.com Here's a list of US conferences I just found: https://tcne.org/transgender-conference-list/ Emma

I think it's important to realize what we compare ourselves to. I know for me that as I go about my errands and so forth I'm noticing attractive women (young and older), and it's those that I compare myself with. But when we allow our gaze to open up to a wider lens we see that, as with men, there are all sorts of women out there, many of whom are larger than your 218 lbs or my 175. I'm confident that many of them are aware of their weight and shape relative to others, frustrated, and self-disparaging. But they have what God gave them (if you will) and those who carry themselves with pride and beauty, I admire and am drawn to. I have a good cis woman friend who has a trans daughter. She glows from within with energy, love, and kindness. She's also very professional and accomplished. A terrific mom to her adopted children. I love seeing her, getting together for dinner, whatever. She's also heavy (I have no idea how much of course) and her Germanic face isn't what I'd be attracted to as a dating partner, which is good because she's happily married! The point I'm trying to make is that your feelings are very understandable. As trans women we're not only envious of attractive women and hold ourselves up to their "standards," we are also hyper aware of our masculine foundations in face and body. I guess there are two issues: 1. We don't want to look like men in women's clothing, perhaps the butt of jokes and derision, but also standing out too much. 2. We want to see ourselves in the mirror and in our mind's eye as at least somewhat attractive and feminine. Both of those are tough and for those of us who're older especially hard. The most important thing is to try to work on building what we see and are in our mind's eye. Sure, dress as nicely (and appropriately) as you can so that other women will also see that we're making the best of it. You'll find that other women will smile at you. There is a camaraderie between women of similar age. They appreciate the situation we're in and with their body language and smile it's like they're saying, "You go, girl!" Yes, there are some who scowl or raise their eyebrows. I've learned to smile at them as we walk past each other and, you know, most find it impossible to smile back. But, how to build up our own pride and presence in the face of such fears and self-awareness? You may have heard of "fake it until you make it." I'm not recommending faking it, that's all too similar to what we've done trying to be men. What I am recommending is that we go about our lives with a smile on our face, head held high, sitting tall and with good posture, and generally carrying ourselves as polite and gracious women. Recognize when old habits such as slouching or walking folded over creep in and then adjust accordingly. I think what you'll find is that the positive feedback you'll receive will help it become easier to just go about, actually more confident and proud of yourself. It's self-fulfilling. I don't know and I don't envy your situation. Perhaps it's doing things like having "Dee Weekends" where you drive to a larger city/area and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. Get yourself out there and learn by doing and being Dee for most if not all of the time you're there. Maybe you hang out at a coffee shop and just read a book or magazines, write in your journal. Go shopping for whatever, presents for your kids, books, anything. Even clothes. I especially recommend looking for women's clothing consignment shops. In larger cities there are those that cater to larger women. We have an independent store near me called "Two Big Blondes," for example. (If you visit Seattle I'll take you there!) Also, take walks, perhaps long ones, either in the city or the countryside. Good exercise and it's calming to notice and love what nature shows you. Perhaps through that you'll gradually find yourself more comfortable presenting and being Dee. And through that you'll slowly find more about what's important for you. If nothing else you'll have much more to talk to therapists about in October and later. Best wishes, Emma

Hi Dee, It's good to hear from you. I also know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. I've been living and presenting as female as I can be for over a year and a half and I still struggle with that although not nearly as much. These days I just put on my clothes, whatever I feel looks good and is appropriate for what I'm going to be doing and for the weather. But I really notice what other women are wearing, too. I think about emulating them. I really like this from Monica: I have some trans women friends but mostly I have cis women friends. Some lesbian, some not. All platonic. I seem to have been well accepted for me, whatever that is. We look out for each other, and hang out too. I'm probably lucky compared to you to live in the Seattle area where there are so many people. If I was in a smaller community it would be harder to make such a variety of friends. I think Monica's correct also that we feel like a fraud at anything as we gain in proficiency. As we work on the learning curve our amygdala — trying to protect us — warns that maybe this isn't right for us. We question, for example, are we really trans? Life might be easier in some ways if we weren't especially as we contemplate coming out to friends and family, and living out in public. Over time, at least for me, I gradually just lost caring and I am just out as myself. Sure, I'm shy about my voice at times, and also envious of cis women. But I suspect that you too will gradually feel more comfortable and yes, proud, of being your authentic self. I also like what Jess wrote about being a fraud, or feeling like one. Part of it is our own internalized transphobia where we kind of feel a bias against transwomen because of so much social training over the years. We direct that at ourselves too. This is all good stuff to discuss with a therapist, to write about in a journal. Both, actually. Write more about it here too. Emma

Hey Tilly, Good for you! I started HRT just over a year and a half ago. I'd always read about how people loved it so much but I suspected that they were experiencing some sort of endorphin rush to be doing something and that the feelings would dissipate as time passed. I wasn't surprised then when I also felt so good. I was surprised at how the feelings were pretty constant. It was like my body was breathing a sigh of relief. I'd never seriously contemplated GCS since I was afraid that I'd never be certain that I wouldn't have regrets about losing my penis. A year ago I suddenly realized that GCS was the right thing for me: I was certain that I truly didn't care about those floppy bits that had been with me for so long. But there were two main issues: 1) getting insurance coverage, 2) choosing a surgeon and getting on their schedule so I wouldn't have to wait for years. Insurance coverage for trans healthcare vary quite a lot across the US which is a result of different state laws. California and Washington (state) are excellent, and there are several others too. I hope you live somewhere where you will have this coverage. The costs are otherwise prohibitive for most. So start your research and thinking. There's no rush and no cost to do this sort of thing. Knowledge is power and you'll feel stronger and more confident with more knowledge. Best wishes, Emma

Dee, "Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me." Indeed, telling others that you're trans — intentionally or otherwise — isn't something you can take back. But, there are things you can do to test the water before coming out. It might help you to give yourself some patience. Would you like some ideas/thoughts on that? " I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general." I know what you mean and I felt that way too. I suggest that the first step is to accept that we can't control other people. They may be supportive and loving, unsupportive, or somewhere in between. It's your life, and up to you to decide what you need to do/be to be authentic to yourself. "Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level?" Answer: YES! Remember that "phobia" = "fear" and you'd be crazy not to be fearful. It's what our amygdala does for us. It tries to protect us from the scary monsters and things like that. It's perfectly normal to feel these fears, all of them. "I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel." I didn't want to transition either. And even as I proceeded I didn't expect/anticipate what aspects of transition applied to me. I think you have to determine that, slowly step-by-step, by yourself with a therapist (ideally). I also know what you mean about the euphoria. I certainly felt that way too. These days it's less and less. I just am another (somewhat older) woman in the world, living her life. I like getting dressed in something nice that feels good, and hanging out with friends. But I also like going hiking, cooking, and playing with my cat. I also do woodworking, gardening, watch movies. I can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. I hope that through small steps before you come out publicly that you can experience those steps — scary as they may be — and discover that yes, it feels right. You have to allow a little time for the euphoria to dissipate to know your true feelings. And then, cross another bridge, and another...

Attagirl Jess! I applaud your coming out authentically as yourself. I know what you mean about that word “transition”; for me, I think about it’s mean that I’m transitioning to my authentic self. But as we know that transgender is an umbrella that authenticity can be quite different from one to another. I wonder: where did you see yourself on that spectrum, say, a year ago versus now? The reason I ask is only because I was surprised to find myself continuing to inexorably move toward the right side of the Benjamin scale. I think these conferences are so wonderful. I attended my first in August of 2017 which seems like such a short time ago. Like you, I’d never gone out in public like that, presenting as authentically as I could. Those three days were scary and exhilarating. I agree that in “bubbles” like Boston and Seattle that we are accepted and somewhat applauded. I also agree how important it is for us to push ourselves to proudly just be ourselves in the communities, and demonstrate that we’re nothing to be concerned about in a negative way. We are as normal as anyone else. Through that I hope that more and more people will gain understanding and comfort.

It’s entirely up to you whether or not you meet the pastor with your folks. It’s your life, you’re an adult, so it’s your decision. Yes, you’re folks might be upset. That’s their problem and they can meet with her (without you) if they wish. With awareness of that you might meet privately with the pastor before to provide her with specific feedback about how she overstepped with you and your wife, and how unhelpful and disturbing her comments were. And, if she wishes you to attend a meeting including your parents she needs to be much more considerate and diplomatic. Otherwise you won’t attend. Obviously all this is up to you. I understand a reluctance to violating your parents wishes but if the meeting is simply a repeat of the last one if’s a waste of time and worse, your emotional health,

I also have deep challenges to trusting people, especially people such as friends, lovers... even my own children. My feelings don't sound as deep as yours but we have parallels. Of course I don't know from where your feelings emerge. I believe mine come from a very awkward, uncomfortable, and untrusting childhood. Knowing that I can put my feelings in context but it feels impossible to dismiss them. I'm continually amazed that people seem to like and love me. When we are apart I gradually assume the worst. And then, suddenly. they reach out, we go have dinner or something, and wow - I was so wrong. Perhaps that's why you feel the way you do about people here on TG Guide. We keep returning to you nonjudgmentally with love and support. I hope that helps you, I really do.

Hi Tilly, I'm sorry for your experience and loss. Might I suggest that you reach out to your pastor for a quiet and private meeting? As you said, you're confident she came over out of love and, evidently, it backfired. Sounds to me like she'd appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience and, who knows, maybe you'll patch things up.