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Emma

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Everything posted by Emma

  1. Emma

    "Passing"

    I never cared for the word “passing.” It sounds to me that it means one isn’t being identified as masquerading, as if the presentation (clothes, makeup, hair, shoes, accessories, mannerisms) are all so good that one is passing for female even though they’re “not really.” I don't wish to brag—transition is quite a long journey—but of late I’ve been so pleased that I’m consistently gendered female everywhere I go. I love hearing everyone referring me to as "ma'am." While driving yesterday it came to me that my happiness comes from seamlessly and authentically being seen for what I am, a woman. Sure, I remain critical of my voice and the face I see in the mirror. Perhaps that's just another example of any woman's dissatisfactions of her self? I suppose that the word “passing” is meant to describe my experience? Even so, the word doesn't feel right to me. I think a better way to express it would be to say “gendered correctly” although 5 syllables and 2 words is more of a mouthful than 2 syllables and 1 word. I wonder if we should/could come up with an alternative to "passing" with another single word. Thoughts?
  2. Dee, I certainly understand your feelings. It was so so scary on many levels when I started my transition. There were so many steps, many fears to confront. I was fortunate that my wife gave me the support she did even while divorcing me. Also, my ability to move to another locale. I don’t mean to add pressure on you but the thing that consistently propelled me forward was this: We never know how long we have on this earth. Something happens and maybe we wake up in a hospital incapacitated or dying. I could no longer bear the thought of the regrets and disappointment in myself if I had allowed my fears to stand in the way of my living authentically. I must also add that at the start of my transition I had no idea how far I’d need to go. All I really knew was that I am trans. But even that self-awareness isn’t perfect. Even now, once in awhile, I ask myself if I did the right thing. Thankfully, I always answer unequivocally yes. Best wishes, Emma
  3. Well said, Dee. As far as I know I'm initially gendered female but when more closely examined I'm seen for what I am, a trans woman. Obviously, like all of us, I'd much prefer just having a woman's face and body but that's not going to happen. So yes, dress as you wish, as feminine, appropriate, and nice as you like. And just go out as you, regardless of whatever you think people perceive you as. You know who you are, that's really all that matters.
  4. Emma

    Less fun days

    Authenticity really is good for you. Be patient, take things slowly, and with each step, evaluate how you feel. I once had a gender therapist who said, “Being trans is like having a ticket for the Transgender Train. Get on, ride it for a stop or two. Get off and see how it feels. If good, get back on and head on down to the next stop. You can always take it back in the opposite direction when desired to help you determine which stop is most ideal for you.” Wise words!
  5. Emma

    Learning

    Michael, Indeed, live and learn, my friend. I’d guess we’ve all been there, done that, and have similar regrets. Love, Emma
  6. Emma

    Get Over It!

    Hey Michael, Wow, look at the date you originally posted this, one month before I joined TGG. Memories... For fun I just now looked up cisgender in the Merriam-Wesbter link you provided. It's there now! Reading the comments on it are very interesting. Many were/are simply looking it up after finding it in books and publications. Sure, there are some (a minority, I believe) who express various levels of disdain. Emma
  7. Michael, You're such a sweet man. I always love your writing and this is no exception. Emma
  8. Hi Jessica, Nice to hear from and about you. Indeed there are many anecdotal stories of trans people's finding their sexuality changing (morphing?) during/after transition. It's good you're keeping an open mind. After all, now that we're finally becoming our authentic gender there's no profit in maintaining hard lines in our sexuality! I found that I remain only interested in women as partners. Men can be fun and all that but they just don't float my boat the way women do. I love the deeper connection that women have between each other and freedom to express it. Because of that I had a zero-depth vaginoplasty as part of my GCS. Sure, I imagine that lesbians enjoy each other's vaginas and I wish I'd been born with one. But I wasn't and made the decision to err on the side of low/no maintenance vs. the high maintenance that's part and parcel of a full-depth vaginoplasty. Send me a PM if you're interested in more info. Although I've made a bunch of cis lesbian friends in the Seattle area I've struggled to find dates let alone a romantic partner. I am on three dating sites and have also put myself out there to several women I've met socially and am friends with. For women I've not met I suspect that my being trans is at least a part of their lack of attraction. And although I seem to pass very well I suspect that my face and body isn't as attractive as many are looking for. That said I have enjoyed several first dates and for the most part I've been the one to not wish to see them again. I find another big contusion factor that involves my indoctrination in male socialization. As a male when women opened up to me, smiled, and all that, it was reasonably safe to assume that they had at least some romantic interest or attraction to me. Now, though, all of my women friends exhibit these characteristics! What I used to think were signs of attraction are now the norm so it's pretty confusing. Last weekend I spoke privately with a good lesbian friend about this. She understood and said that I need to wait for stronger and more clear signals. That is also hard for me to do. Again, having been socialized as I was, it was expected that I take those first steps and unless I did she might lose interest. Interesting, huh? 🙂 So, I'm seeing it all as a marketing challenge to get myself out there and through exposure I'll meet more women. Last weekend I also had a first date with a lesbian I met on OKCupid. I think we'll certainly be friends. Beyond that? I have my hopes but also reservations, we'll see. Emma
  9. Hi Dee, It's good to hear from you. I've wondered how you're doing. I certainly understand your feelings about wigs. In a word, they suck, for both cis and trans women if because of hair loss they feel that they have to wear one. But as Monica and your sister said, some women just have to. I have a couple of trans friends here who have them and a good cis woman friend who's in her 40s and will soon need to consider something; she's losing her hair due to alopecia. A suggestion: consider going out any buying the best one you can afford, such as a human hair wig that is custom fitted and styled for you. Make it something you will be proud of when wearing it. That will also mean having to go to a specialty shop and yes, admit to them that you're trans. Make that fun, too. Perhaps you could call or write to them beforehand to set their expectations of who you are and what you're looking for. They might even offer to see you during a time when they're normally closed. Anyway, best wishes to you and I hope to hear from you more in 2020. Best wishes, Emma
  10. Emma

    Happy Holidays

    As we near the end of 2019 I am reflecting on the last few years. In 2014 after 57 years of suppressed shame I finally started sharing my feelings, fantasies, wishes and dreams with a therapist. With his encouragement and support I spent a lot of time on the web trying to learn more. It was then that I even learned of the word "transgender." I loved it; it felt right I never liked the words transvestite or transexual, both of which sent my shoulders up toward my ears. I joined TGGuide later in 2014, so tentatively at first, worried that I would say the wrong thing, upset someone, and experience rejection. Not only did that not happen I was encouraged, supported, and made to feel at home. TGGuide was my touchstone. I logged in several times a day, reading, writing, and participating. One time the website went down and I nearly panicked, not knowing what if anything I could do if it was forever gone. Fast forward to today when I'm as transitioned as I'll ever be which is something I had no idea I would do even in the Spring of 2017 when I found myself driving north from the Bay Area on a mission to find myself and a new place to live. Now, in vibrant, fun, and welcoming Seattle, I have friends who love me and a life that is rich and full. I am truly blessed and wish to express my gratitude as well as my very best wishes to you and yours for a happy holiday and fabulous 2020. Love, Emma
  11. Well, BA, I have a couple of things to say: 1. It seems unlikely to me that she doesn’t want to break up for you. Take her at her word. Is she upset and concerned? Sure, pretty certainly. But I highly doubt you’re able to read her mind. That said I think you owe it to each other to have a heart-to-heart talk. You love her and it sounds like she very much loves you. Ask her sincerely what’s coming up for her these days. Listen, and ask more questions. Let her know that you’ve really heard her. She’ll love you even more. Don’t try to “fix” or “repair” her or her emotions. Just let her get them out into the open. 2. I personally know how the guilt and shame adds up to feeling like you’re better off gone. That would so terribly hurt her and I know you don’t want that so what do you do? After listening to her (see #1 above) ask if she’ll listen to you. I’ll bet she will. Pour your heart out to her. Your shame, doubts, worries. Tell her how sad you are, that you feel miserable for hurting her. Go ahead and cry if you need to. You both have each other and need each other. There’re no guarantees but it sounds to me like you both love each other deeply and are terrified about “what might happen.”
  12. I need to post this article elsewhere but I think it helps, particularly now: https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/science/groundbreaking-uw-study-transgender-kids-gender-identity-is-as-strong-as-that-of-cisgender-children/ The point is that scientific evidence keeps piling up the trans people are valid in their own right, normal examples of human diversity.
  13. Wow, what a beautiful and heartfelt post. I hear you (over and over!) that to be true to oneself ("selfish" is a loaded pejorative) isn't "necessarily" wrong. I feel myself wondering if you're feeling defensive. I can well understand that, believe me. I'm glad if your blog post has provided you with a way to get your thoughts together, written down and organized, and presented. My ex-wife was also very alarmed and upset as I came out to her as trans. She said I'd betrayed her, as if I'd had a secret affair. I went through a lot of guilt and sorrow (as did she) as we considered ways of remaining together, decided that we could not, divorced, and then separated. I have this on my kitchen wall, framed: "Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe everything happens for a reason. If you get the chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody says it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." --- Dr. Seuss I look forward to hearing more from you.
  14. Hi Dee, Always nice to hear from you, and good for you on losing all that scruffiness! On telling your children I would never ask them if they’re okay with it. In some ways their opinions don’t matter. You are what you are. I told my two sons individually, which I think worked well. I told them how I had determined that I am trans, and what it means. When they asked what I was going to do (this was about one year before starting any transition) I was honest: I didn’t know. I told them that I planned to continue to explore, figure out and determine my authentic self. One of my sons was very interested. I forwarded articles and YouTube vids to him. My other son didn’t care much at all.’ I suggest that you write out what you want to say before meeting with any of them.’ Maybe rehearse beforehand so you’ll remember it. And then, go forward. My son told me that i was inspiring to have come to my determination and, later, as I transitioned.
  15. Dee, you’re not unimaginative at all. Keep it up! You’ll get into that yellow dress soon!
  16. According to a Harvard law professor a constitutional crisis exists when: 1. The Constitution does not provide a clear, definitive answer to a problem; 2. The actors in the conflict appear ready to press their competing courses of action to the limit. Reading this in the NYT this morning brought forth a realization of how my ex-wife often managed her part in our marriage, which brought to mind "Marriage by Crisis." As she did from the first time I told her that I occasionally crossdressed she gave me a take it or leave it. There was no middle ground. I consistently backed down, out of fear of losing her love and to restore the peace that we both enjoyed. In peace we were both so happy with each other and our life together. She was the one who called for divorce as I discovered and embraced my authenticity, often saying through tears how I had betrayed her. It's been now 2 1/2 years since our divorce and I feel that she betrayed me: I was okay only if I fit into the mold she insisted upon. None of us can predict the future. It seems to me that a fundamental part of marriage is to support each other's growth. Yes, this can lead to conflict, but overall, growth trumps much. Keep growing.
  17. I also wear glasses and well recall buying my first in women’s styles. What fun!
  18. Emma

    Updates

    I agree to let your lawyer be your spokesperson and advocate. Still, I’m sure it’s scary and demeaning to be treated by the magistrate in those ways.
  19. Hi Dee, Sorry to read this; it’s very understandable that you’re feeling this way. With a bit of hindsight I see that I’ve been dealing with a lot of grief over the last several years. My divorce, my transition, moving 1,000 miles away. I suggest thinking about grief, maybe studying it through books, YouTube videos, etc. It’s especially important for you to try to be easy on yourself, patient, and kind with yourself. Yes it’s easy to say and hard to do.
  20. That's a terrific idea Monica! I suppose we've all heard that we should talk to ourselves as if we're speaking with a good friend. I've tried that in my mind and I've not been successful. But I can well imagine how speaking and recording my words and sincerity would help me speak more nicely to myself.
  21. Dee, please gently allow yourself to experience the normal ups and downs. Although I'm about as transitioned as one could be my journey certainly continues! I agree fully about returning to Dara's book and to adding to your recording of the work they recommend. There's so much wisdom in their book which inspires such powerful awareness in ourselves. 😍
  22. Dee, I’m as sure as I can be that we don’t become trans because of trauma. It’s the other way around. We are born with our authentic gender pre-programmed. It’s like one’s sexuality, handedness, or other characteristics. Some very fortunate people do not experience such trauma and shame, especially young children if they are accepted and supported by their parents and community. For those like us it’s a struggle to not only find where we need to be on the trans spectrum but also to find self-acceptance and love. As Dara wrote in their book accomplishing this is truly a Hero’s Journey.
  23. I'm sorry you were feeling down but I'm sending kudos to you for your self-care. I like getting dressed, even today when it will be hiking boots, shorts, and an athletic top to go on a long-ish hike about 100 miles east of here. I well remember the fantastic feelings I had getting dressed long before transition. I love your photos, especially the one on the right! She's so pretty, isn't she? I'd also lose the nose-ring but it does give her some edginess. I wonder what I'd look like with such a filter. Probably lots better than normal. But also, like you, I love it when I happen to glance at myself in the bathroom mirror where I'll do a double-take as I see myself as a woman. Feels good!
  24. Emma

    "Inner Circle"

    Hi Jess, ”Bluster” was the wrong word; I apologize. The whole thing came off wrong as I read it now. Sorry for creating this mess! Emma
  25. Emma

    "Inner Circle"

    I get afraid a lot, even today when I talked with a therapist about some of my emotional baggage. I wish at times that I could be more steadfast that, screw it, I am authentically me, and if you don’t like it the heck with you. But that’s not my style and, again speaking only for me, claiming that fearlessness would be sweeping my true feelings under the rug. I think fear is normal and natural when humans face unknowns, are vulnerable, and claim authenticity that flies in the face of convention. Obviously, Jess, I’ve no idea what’s going on for and within you. But, if you are burying any fear with bluster, I suggest allowing yourself to feel and experience your fear and move through it which I’m sure you will.
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