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Emma

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Everything posted by Emma

  1. Emma

    Dressing in Layers

    Hey Warren, I'm not sixty yet, dude. :-) And yeah, if my wife's cool, who cares? She's still a bit on the fence and I can't tell which way she's leaning. From past experience I have some worries. But shoot, why worry? Just enjoy each moment as it comes. You take care, Warren. You rock. Emma
  2. Hi Michel, I love you, not hate you, I've decided. It's been four months since you wrote this so I imagine a lot has happened. Why don't you post an update? We'd all like to hear from you. Sincerely, Emma
  3. Emma

    Dressing in Layers

    Hi Warren, You know what, it was your post that spawned this idea of mine to write mine. I'll tell you, man, I don't like boxers at all! Never have. But heck, good on you, dude, for wearing what makes you feel good and alright with yourself. And I agree it's like an addiction at times. Which makes me wonder if I need to simply stand up to that addiction. But at my age, approaching sixty (OMG!) I think it's fair to say that it's more than an addiction for me. I don't know how much more and that's part of what I'm trying to figure out. Anyway, thank you for your comment. I value you and your words more than you will ever know. Sincerely, Emma
  4. My wife’s been out house-sitting for a couple of weeks, and will do so for another two weeks, so that’s provided me some space to explore myself. Most mornings I walk a couple of blocks to our local coffee shop before breakfast, buy a large cup, and return home to catch up on emails while enjoying the coffee. Now, though, I can add something feminine to my clothing which I like to do. But I must not present anything girly on the outside. I know many of the people I run into and as we know, males simply do not even show a hint of lace, feminine color, or fabric not typically found in masculine clothing. I can consider, therefore, only wearing feminine clothing underneath my shirt and jeans. But it doesn’t end there. I must not wear a bra. Even the slightest padding under a shirt and sweatshirt may very well show something unusual and remarkable that I’d have to answer for. And we know how bra straps show through outer clothing by tugging in around the back and sides. I could just wear a pair of panties, sure. But darn it, it’s not enough! Even though no one will know I will know and I want to express myself even in a hidden yet sort of public way. It’s getting chillier here these days, about 40-45 degrees in the morning, so it’s natural and comfortable to wear a sweatshirt or jacket over my T-shirt. And it’s cold enough for me to wear something under my jeans. I thus don a long-sleeved leotard and tights, and then everything goes on top. And yes, I wear socks as well since I can’t risk my pants leg riding up and showing (horrors!) what is obviously feminine fabric. It feels good to do this. When I run into people I can’t help but imagine that they see something odd about me but they really do not. I’m warm and safe and I know that deep inside I’m expressing a part of myself that I always want to. It’s not erotic in the least. Just feels like I’m being hugged all over. And as I walk and encounter people I know that deep down I am me. This posting was hard for me to write because I worry that some here will think it’s silly to wear dance clothing underneath. I guess so but I can tell you that back in the 60s and 70s I envied girls who wore leotards as tops. I guess that fell out of style but not for me. Isn’t it kind of interesting that even wearing something as simple as this under so many layers can make one feel so good? Sincerely, Emma Photo: I took this some months back on my iPhone. A pretty sunset in Cayucos, California.
  5. Emma

    Dressing the Part

    Right on, Warren! Excellent and helpful advice. Emma
  6. Emma

    Pablo Neruda

    I receive a weekly email from Brain Pickings on Sunday mornings that often has inspirational vignettes. Today, they wrote, "Neruda relays an anecdote from his childhood that profoundly influenced not only his poetry but also his understanding of art and of life itself:" One time, investigating in the backyard of our house in Temuco the tiny objects and minuscule beings of my world, I came upon a hole in one of the boards of the fence. I looked through the hole and saw a landscape like that behind our house, uncared for, and wild. I moved back a few steps, because I sensed vaguely that something was about to happen. All of a sudden a hand appeared – a tiny hand of a boy about my own age. By the time I came close again, the hand was gone, and in its place there was a marvelous white sheep. The sheep’s wool was faded. Its wheels had escaped. All of this only made it more authentic. I had never seen such a wonderful sheep. I looked back through the hole, but the boy had disappeared. I went into the house and brought out a treasure of my own: a pinecone, opened, full of odor and resin, which I adored. I set it down in the same spot and went off with the sheep. To feel the intimacy of brothers is a marvelous thing in life. To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life. But to feel the affection that comes from those whom we do not know, from those unknown to us, who are watching over our sleep and solitude, over our dangers and our weaknesses – that is something still greater and more beautiful because it widens out the boundaries of our being, and unites all living things. That exchange brought home to me for the first time a precious idea: that all of humanity is somehow together... It won’t surprise you then that I attempted to give something resiny, earthlike, and fragrant in exchange for human brotherhood. Just as I once left the pinecone by the fence, I have since left my words on the door of so many people who were unknown to me, people in prison, or hunted, or alone. This resonated with me and I think it relates to TG Guide. Our postings are like gifts of resiny pinecones, fragrant with perfume. Sincerely, Emma Photo: I used to regularly go all over China on business trips, and once in a private dining room in Shenzhen the walls were covered in old photos like this one. I was mesmerized looking through windows into the past. I couldn't stop looking at this woman. She's so beautiful, so poised, and so pensive. What do you think she's thinking about?
  7. Emma

    Confidence

    Good for you, Karen, good for you. We have to always be our own advocates and not simply accept what authority dictates. Fortunately it sounds like yours was open to discussion. If not it's time to move on. I'm excited for you. What a great 2015 to look forward to! Emma
  8. One the high school classes I remember most fondly was entirely focused on reading. I took it as a senior because to get an A all one had to do was read at least 3,500 pages during the semester. I chose a book, the instructor okay'd it, I read it, reviewed it with her for about fifteen minutes, and voila! More pages added. No midterm, no final. Too cool for school. The class really changed my life as I learned how enjoyable it can be to read 500 to 1,000 page books. If you've been following my blog postings you'll know that I've been pretty focused on finding and accepting myself. I find that when I read books my mind often opens me up to new inspirations and actions. A frustration is that although I may really enjoy the book, when I'm finished I have trouble recalling the details. I often re-read the really good ones, sometimes only a couple of pages a day, to savor the thoughts it brings up. Maybe you'll enjoy one or more of these and, I hope, will send suggestions for more. Nonfiction The Artists Way, Julia Cameron When I was studying fingerstyle guitar my friend and teacher recommended this book to me. On Amazon they say it's "the seminal book on creativity." The target audience of the book is artists such as painters, writers, and musicians. But we're all creative and I think the book is applicable to all of us. Her suggestion for a daily one-two page "morning pages" is an activity that has helped me a lot, working things out of depression, stress, and shame, as well as times like now when I'm doing better. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brene Brown I wish I could tell Brene how much her books and writing have helped and taught me. She terms herself a "shame researcher." She wrote: "Shame loves secrecy and can't survive being shared." That one sentence may not have saved my life but it's certainly helped. She also explained to me the difference between guilt and shame. We feel guilt when we do something bad, and we feel shame when we are bad. It's an important distinction. Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win, Ryan Babineaux and John Krumboltz I am also working on re-creating my professional-life and career, which is pretty hard after spending >35 years in a variety of companies but in generally the same line of business. This book is so perceptive and encouraging. It's one of those that I read slowly... Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career, John Krumholtz and Al Levin This book kind of ties things together for me. Taking chances, being vulnerable and open. Here's a real example about me: I am helping a friend who owns a small store with bookkeeping (mostly data entry) while he sorts out some problems in his life. This work is definitely not what I want to do when I grow up but I wanted to help a friend. But then we had problems with his computer so my friend called in another friend (who was unknown to me). We then started chatting and, lo and behold, the friend of a friend is very involved in a small local non-profit that needs new leadership. So far it sounds perfect and I have another interview next week! Fiction I Will Fear No Evil, Robert Heinlein Well, it's a fun fantasy, isn't it? The idea of ones mind being transplanted into a beautiful woman's body. The book has mixed reviews and may not be one of his best but the fantasy has stuck with me all these years. Girl with a Pearl Earring, Tracy Chevalier There was something magical about the way Ms. Chevalier created the character, her situation, and life in Vermeer's world. No, it's not TG at all. But I enjoyed it tremendously more than once. Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier Yes it was a movie, and a good one at that. I loved the book even more. Much more. So, that's the abridged edition of my reading list. There's many more and I hope you enjoy these. Sincerely, Emma P.S. I have to add one more: Enchiridion, by Epictetus. Here's a guy, born into slavery about AD 55. Because of his remarkable nature, he was allowed to attend lectures and trained to be a Stoic philosopher. Later, he was freed, and taught philosophy in Rome. By the way, I'm not advocating that we all be stoic and just somehow bury our feelings. I just liked what he wrote and imagining what life must have been like for him back then. What an amazing man. Photo: This was taken in the Vigeland "installation" at Frogner Park, in Oslo, Norway. I'm not usually so taken by sculpture; this collection was amazing and touching. I chose this photo because it shows a man and woman, intertwined in a circle, as if continually flowing in and through each other. Seems inspirational to me.
  9. Emma

    Halloween!

    Hey Warren, Glad to hear you had so much fun today. Your zombie-ness would've scared me! You're cool, dude. :-) Emma
  10. Emma

    Going Public

    Yesterday morning when I first saw mention of Businessweek's publication "Tim Cook Speaks Up," I thought it was a bit anticlimactic. Most knew that he is gay. After all, he'd led Apple's contingent at the LGBTQ Pride Parade this year and even before that the word was pretty much out. But I was deeply moved by his words and the article. Not only was he stepping out as the CEO of the Fortune 1 company (as one writer described it today in the NYT). He was inclusive of all LGBTQ people. It's not just about him. In today's NYT follow-up article ("The Coming Out of Apple's Chief Tim Cook: 'This Will Resonate'") I noted that he checked it out with Apple's board beforehand. I think that probably took more courage than even coming out in Businessweek. Sure, he's the CEO. But he reports to Apple's board and there's no doubt in my mind that those people are very strong minded and outspoken. And they are his peers. Speaking of the Times, Charles M. Blow recently published "Up From Pain" there. Very tender description of what happened to him as a child and how he's finding himself as an adult. Just imagine what he's risking! Heck, he's a New York Times published writer. Unlike Mr. Cook I doubt Mr. Blow could afford losing his income should it come to that. And then there's another that I found recently: Brynn Tannehill's "I Am Real," her keynote address to the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Convention. She's amazing. Please, please, search for it and spend the twenty minutes watching it. It's that important. And, there's Lynn Conway. If you haven't heard of her you owe it to yourself to visit and read her extensive writing on her MTF journey: http://ai.eecs.umich...way/conway.html What a pioneer, woman, and leader. I have to brag here: she accepted my LinkedIn request! I'm thrilled and grateful. What about me? The other day I had this stream of consciousness that I sent to my wonderful therapist. Playing "what if" with yourself can encourage some creative thinking: What if: I was always transgendered, that it's not a reaction to my mother's abuse? Perhaps some of the abuse is real and some was in her own mind (e.g., the time I remember she told me that she'd spanked me so hard that she'd broken a vessel in her hand). Heck, maybe part of her issue was that I wasn't acting the role she expected. What if: my shame is a learned expression – a useful excuse – for the outside world to rationalize my condition? Might it then be a habit that can be unlearned? I do know that I use it at times as a way to gain some hugs and love from my wife. I appreciate her support a lot but at times I wonder if I only got what I needed because of some level of manipulation. What if: I had expressed my desires to be a girl more definitely when I was young? What if there's no answer to this? What if: my recent weight loss and trimness is driven at least equally by my desires to express a more feminine image? Because, it is. What if: my desires for leotards and tights is more about the relative social acceptability of fetishes vs. my having a feminine expression? Here again, it seems to me that it's more socially acceptable to have a fetish. What if: I could feel love as if I were a woman and remain as I am? Why not? How would that look and be? What if: I could be fully accepting of myself as I am? No more shame, just pride of being myself. I feel sometimes a bit embarrassed that this is coming to a head for me at my age, as if it's "only" a mid-life crisis. I think it's more about the urgency of realizing that we only have so much time in this life. If not now, when? Lynn Conway wrote, "If you want to change the future, start living as if you're already there." So yeah, I think I get it. The first step to going public is to fully love and accept myself, whatever that turns out to be. Then, review it with my board (my wife). And then just do it. At this moment in time it seems like the last step is the easiest and the first is the hardest. I'm way open to suggestions on the first one. Happy Halloween! Emma Photo: This is a fun story. We were in Zimbabwe in an open-air safari four-wheel drive, when the guide/driver stopped in the dirt road, pointed up the hill, and said, "Up there, under the tree. There's a pride of lions." We couldn't see anything of the sort. Even with my telephoto lens, I simply could not find them. Patiently, the guide looked around, and then drove up the hill about a hundred yards to within 15-20 feet of a pride of a dozen lions, lionesses, and cubs. Wow. For tonight's festivities I'd like to be the lioness!
  11. Emma

    What's My Label?

    Hi Michael, I love hearing how others feel about issues like this. I'd never thought of what you said but it all makes sense. I thought about entering "male" but I entered transgender because I am enjoying a freedom to be me, here. Lastly, I'm glad you're enjoying the photos. I'm no pro but I'm tickled to have this opportunity to share them as well as some of their background. Thank you, Emma
  12. Emma

    Third Day of Horrors

    Hey Warren, Yeah, get the heck out out of there if you can. He sounds scary to me, and it's not right for management to ignore his behavior. But it is what it is and you need to take care of yourself. And have a great Halloween! Me? I'll be Emma, if only on the inside! Best, Emma
  13. I want to know what my label is which I suppose can be interpreted to knowing my own identity. Perhaps that sounds strange to some. After all, I don't think anyone wants to be labeled by others. We (or at least, me) want to know what we are ourselves. What does it matter? I think it's so that as we progress through the day, interact with others, we know who we are in the world. And yes, I'm talking here about gender. For many, it's binary: male or female. We've all heard it before so why write about it here? Well heck, it's my blog! And maybe this will help me and others sort it out a little. You be the judge. I think I remember the first time I read about "transvestites." I was in elementary school and thought maybe that's what I am. But I didn't like the label with its "tites" at the end. It sounds like some sort of disease to me. Sure, it's only a word, but I didn't like it even though it seemed to fit. Then came "crossdresser." Good, it lost the "tite." But there was something I didn't like about it, I'm not sure what. Well, I guess I know. It's not that I only like to dress in feminine clothing. I also imagine myself to be and feel like the girl or woman. So, crossdresser is too limiting. When I registered on TGGuide.com the other day I was asked to label myself. Let's look at those: Not Telling Okay, that one's obvious. I didn't want to select it since I would like to know too. Transgender This is the one I selected. But I'm not perfectly happy with it because it seems that common usage also includes transsexual within its scope and as far as I can tell (or admit?) I'm not transsexual. (Now there's another idea for a blog posting.) Male, Female These are obvious of course. Androgynous According to Google androgynous is partly male and partly female in appearance; of indeterminate sex. I don't think I fit this, which I think is a bit unfortunate. And, it's an adjective, not a noun, so is it even a label? Intersex In some ways I wish this were me. At least, then, I could point to my body parts and say "what the hell, it's how I was born!" Other Huh? I guess this is like undecided. It's cool for me if it's cool for you but not very descriptive, is it? But this thought experiment enabled me to identify one of the things that's bothering me: objective vs. subjective. It seems to me that Male, Female, Intersex, and Transsexual are very objective. You are what you are, take it or leave it. Unless one falls into one of those buckets the label is subjective? I seem to always be left with questions and here I am again. Perhaps the moral of this story is that I need to accept that there may very well be more colors in the rainbow than there are names. Diversity, yeah! Best, Emma Photo: I took this photo of a meerkat in South Africa a couple of years ago. I like it that he stands up so forthright, keeping an eye out for his fellows. Consider all the names and labels he has: meerkat, mongoose, suricata suricatta, mammal, carnivore.
  14. Hey Warren, Yes, these forms and so forth are a drag. And I agree that the people at the clinics can be kind of weird and intimidating. Like you said, if you're going there what does that say about you? Nothing, nada, zippo. You're you, you're here, and we love you. That's all I have to say. Well, not everything. Like I wrote the other day, take a breath, have a cup of coffee. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. (If you do smoke; don't start because I said so!) One idea is to think of some of the things you can be grateful for. Such as: - Your mother. Sure, she's a pain at times, but like you said, you love her. What is it mostly that you love about her? - Your father. I guess it's been a long time since he died. But maybe you have some good memories or stories about him? - Your boss at work. Hey, he didn't fire you, right? I don't know, Warren, shoot, I'm sitting here at my computer and thinking about you. Watch the video at the link I sent to you. The woman, Brynn, is an MTF so she's not exactly like you, sure. But she speaks the truth for all of us, I think. I hope you'll find some inspiration there. You're a good person, Warren, I can tell. Best, Emma
  15. Hi Warren, This afternoon I've been thinking about what I will write and post tomorrow morning. I am planning on providing this link to Brynn Tannehill's speech that she gave at the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Convention about a month ago: http://transperience.tv/i-am-real/ I think it's brilliant, fantastic, and right on. Something we should all internalize. I may watch it myself every day for a couple of weeks. Best, Emma
  16. Emma

    Nom de Femme

    I like the name Warren a lot, Warren. It's serious, steadfast, and trustworthy. But also warm, with great big hugs for friends and family. I like it also that while it's immediately recognizable it's also not common. It's all yours! And thank you so much for telling me that Emma Sweet is adorable. I love it. That's exactly what I hope people feel about me and my name. Best, Emma
  17. Two months after I graduated from college my mother committed suicide. In the middle of the night she'd driven off of a cliff south of Santa Cruz into the rocks and surf below. In many ways I was relieved but felt guilty for that. I felt I was supposed to cry and look bereaved so I did my best at her funeral and it seemed that everyone accepted my act. As I was growing up she was often depressed, sometimes unable to get out of bed. She was hospitalized several times, took antidepressants, and had electroshock therapy. And she had many conversations with me over the years as if I was her therapist. I am an only child so I was kind of locked up with her, too. Clearly, she had her own issues. Competition with her brother for her father's love. Measuring up to her mother's standards and expectations. When I was six or seven I found a paddle in our laundry room cabinet, neatly placed on a shelf. It was from one of those child's paddle and ball sets that has a rubber band to bounce back and forth. No ball, no rubber band, just the paddle with the little staple still stuck in the middle surface. I asked her why it was there. "It's for spanking you, if I need it," she said. "Why?" She looked at the palm of her hand and said, "I broke a blood vessel once spanking you. It hurt a lot and I don't want that again." I stared at the staple, wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve such a spanking. And, wondering if she'd be flip the paddle away from the staple if she spanked me with it since otherwise it might cut my bottom. I put it back on the shelf and am happy to say that I don't recall her ever using it on me. I really did try to be good. But inside I knew I was wrong and bad. I wanted to be a girl and every night went to sleep fantasizing about being taken away to become one, or having my mother buy me a dress or dance clothing, or... And I kept all of this carefully locked away. My ugly secret that I absolutely could not confide in anyone. Which, no doubt, leads to resentment, lots of hurt and shame, and depression. Thoughts of suicide, certainly. But I'm not writing this looking for pity or something. In some ways I don't even know why I'm writing it! In my twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties, I've seen a lot of therapists myself. Taken antidepressants too. For the last couple of years I've been seeing a therapist who's been terrific. I love his affirmations and understanding. He's not like so many others who simply echo what you say or say something stupid like, "how does that make you feel?" And my wife started attending the meetings too. It's so hard for me to express what's going on for me to her without having a coach in the room. Wisely, he stays unbiased - he's helping us both. So I've come out pretty darned fully to both of them. My wife's always been steadfastly against any of this stuff. But hey, she has her own physical issues that she didn't choose. So when she understood that my feelings and desires emerged before elementary school she realized that, like her, I am what I am. But I do still get depressed especially when I detect (rightly or more likely, wrongly) that my wife's unhappy with me. About a month ago I pulled my Prius up to a railroad crossing just as the arms descended. We'd had dinner out and I was alone in my car, driving home. I came very close to simply driving through the barrier and waiting on the tracks. It seemed like I had a long time to think about it, how easy yet terrifying it would be. I wondered if the train could possibly be moving so fast that it would actually do me in. Or more likely, how it would leave my Prius torn up with glass all over, me inside. Big deal, who really cares. I'm tired of all this crap. It weighs heavily at times. The train came past in an incredible rush, and I knew that yes, it would have destroyed me. I was pretty shaken up for a couple of days. Like I might have suffered from some sort of stress disorder. But I came out of it and told my therapist. Here again, he's pretty cool. I worried that he might have me committed or something. Instead, he told me that he saw how serious this all is for me. I wonder if that's more manipulation on my part. But then again it was pure happenstance that I was at that railroad crossing at that time, and I felt what I felt. So I think I was being true to myself and to him. These days I'm doing pretty well. I continue to see the therapist both by myself and with my wife. I really wish my wife and I could make progress faster (which means that we'd be able to talk more openly with each other) and I get impatient. I get frustrated and short with her at times, which I regret. I'm trying very hard to figure out who and what I am and then to be that person. Best, Emma Photo: I took this about fifteen years ago. We'd left a B & B and were driving north toward Paris. I noticed this scene outside my window and very nearly drove on. Like so many times before, drive on and then wish I'd taken the five minutes to stop and take the photo. This time I pulled over and walked back, and I'm glad I did.
  18. Dear Warren, Glad to hear you still have your job but of course sorry to hear about the conflict with others. Good for you for sticking up for yourself in a calm and factual way. It's hard to do, believe me I know, but it's the right way. A friend of mine once suggested that it's best that we "hold the high ground" when in these situations. This means that we do as you did, not descend into childish behaviors as she did. That way, even if she refuses to listen or continues to attack, you'll know in your heart that you did the right thing. And hey, if it gets escalated to your boss no one can fault you for how you handled it, right? :-) Regarding the counselor: yeah, it's hard to think about opening up, especially after so many others haven't really listened. He or she may very well be one more of the same, for sure. More likely, that person is a trained professional who really wants to help. So if you detect that they aren't really listening or hearing you (or maybe also wondering it's "just a phase") call them on it. Just like you did at work: calmly say something like, "I don't understand what's going on here at the moment, and hope you can help me. I'm telling you what's really going on for me but I'm not sure I'm being heard, which worries me because I really want some help. Am I misunderstanding something?" Best, Emma
  19. Dear Warren, I sure know what you mean about some days are good and some days aren't. And also, living with secrecy. Quite literally, it sucks big time. I think you took the right step to put down the knife and walk away. I hope you don't get fired, of course, but on the scale of bad vs. worse, harming yourself is much worse. I'm a little reluctant to offer suggestions since we don't know each other and I don't want to come off like some sort of know-it-all. But what the heck, here's a couple: - Go take a walk, get outside, and look around. Get some air into your lungs and head. Try to think of things you're grateful for. - Get a blank book and write a couple (no more than two) pages. Just sit there and write it out. (I use those black Moleskin books.) I often find that I'll start writing and surprise, surprise, after a few sentences or paragraphs, I'll start coming up with some positive ideas to help myself. And consider calling your boss to explain and beg forgiveness. He/she would appreciate your having the consideration of letting them know what's up. Sure, you may need to stretch the truth a bit, but just tell them that you were suddenly feeling pretty crappy and felt that it was better to split without notice than possibly make a mess in the kitchen. I think they'll put two and two together and give you another chance. Best of luck to you and thanks for writing. Emma
  20. Emma

    Nom de Femme

    When I wrote my first post yesterday I couldn't imagine what else I might write about. Since then my mind's been churning out ideas left and right that I hope people here will enjoy and/or find informative. We'll see. Today I'm writing about how I came up with my female name. The first name I chose for myself turned out to be my wife's middle name. I'll keep that one private for now in case I ever introduce her to this blog. Understandably, she's very apprehensive about posting things in public forums that might get back to us. Anyway, I never told her my original name because I didn't want to load her feelings up about her own middle name. I didn't think that would be fair. But my last name has always been "Sweet." Whenever I've thought of myself as female, that's what I've wanted to be: sweet. For me that encapsulates so much feeling, images, and how I'd like to be treated. So it was a good fit. How about "Emma?" Where'd I come up with that, you ask? In many ways I'd be perfectly happy with any female name but when I was considering what to call myself I had some thoughts: - I wanted it to end with an "a"; - I wanted it to be short and, well, sweet; - I wanted it to be unambiguously feminine. Emma came to mind and I knew it was right for me. And it was icing on the cake that it's the first name of Mrs. Emma Peale, whom I envied so much in The Avengers way back when. (Wasn't she fantastic?) So, Emma Sweet it is. Best, Emma Photo: I also think it'll be fun to include photos that I've taken. This one was in a Norway fjord where we were on a small boat out looking for eagles. The guides were throwing out chum to attract eagles and these seagulls came alongside and this is one of the photos I took.
  21. Emma

    Hello Friends

    Hello everyone, Wow, this is both exciting and a bit intimidating. First and foremost it's so fun to see my "nom de femme" in such a distinguished forum. But now that it's there, what shall I write about? I suppose my first inclination was to write some sort of diary. Honestly, I'll bet that won't be that interesting. And too, I'm a little wary of overcommitting. Let me provide a short biopic and see what comes up. Let me know if you have questions or comments and we'll see if we establish some sort of back and forth communication. I do hope so and look forward to meeting you, if only on-line. I'm way past fifty years of age and since I was about three or four felt that I was missing something substantial by not being born female. I wasn't sure what it was exactly but I wanted to be a girl. In and of itself, no big deal, especially these days. But for some reason I was certain that these feelings and desires were Wrong with a capital W, and would remain cloistered within my brain. I was deeply ashamed about my desires and inclinations, and the shame has only grown over the last half century. While I've had a good professional career I blame my shame for limiting my progression in responsibility, titles, and pay. Maybe I was too feeling, too sensitive, too much showing my underbelly of vulnerability. Or maybe I reached the level of my incompetence. Regardless, the shame has caused a lot of depression and suicidal thoughts over the years. I've tried to address those through many meetings with a variety of therapists and psychologists, couch time and prescriptions. But here again, my shame prevented me from even opening up to these well-meaning people in a meaningful way. I have been married twice and we celebrated our almost twenty year anniversary a month ago. We love each other deeply and are best friends. I don't want to spend my life with anyone else. But our bedroom fun kind of evaporated in recent years and understandably, we tried to figure it out - without my disclosing (again) my deepest transgender feelings. A couple of years ago I started seeing yet another therapist. In a word, he's fantastic. But also, I decided that screw it, I wasn't going to let my shame get me down. I was going to come out with it, come hell or high water. Over time (months) I have done so and he's been sincerely supportive. I'm so grateful for his help. And we've been meeting with my wife, too, and she's learning that hey, this is what I am. It's not some sexual fantasy or diversion. Whatever it is, it's part of me, and if she loves me (which she does) then maybe my transgender-ness contributes in a positive way to making me the person she loves so much. At the moment I'm trying to accept myself too, to see myself in my entirety, and see myself as good and loving, and worth loving. Some days it's easy, and other days it's not. Go figure! Sincerely, Emma Photo: A few years ago I was in Tel Aviv, Israel, on a business trip. We had some time to kill and walked around some building/monastery (not sure) near the Mediterranean and this kitty really caught my eye. I'm not sure but I think it's female, don't you? ;-)
  22. Hi Lori, I'm intrigued by the idea of starting a blog here but I'm not sure I can tell what I need to do. I cannot find something called "control panel" but looked at all the sub-menus offered for me, and cannot find a place such as "start your own blog" or something. Am I just missing something obvious? Thank you, Emma
  23. Wow, does this mean I have a blog? How cool is that? It's fun to see my name up in lights!

  24. Emma

    Hi Everyone

    Hi Barbara, I'm new here too and exploring the site. I'm surprised (and a bit dismayed, frankly) that I see that almost three hundred have viewed your posting but you have not received any replies. You have a nice photo and I hope you're well up there in NY state. Probably starting to get cold there, no? I'm out in the SF Bay Area and it's getting a bit chilly here, but probably much milder overall. Be well, Barbara, and enjoy. You're a good person. Best, Emma
  25. Emma

    introduction

    Hi RichLisa, I'm a little younger than you but not so much that it matters, so I think I can understand where you're coming from. I agree, too, that it seems late, and I often wonder where I'd be today (perhaps lots happier?) if I had taken MTF steps a few decades ago. But I didn't, and here I am today. My suggestion? Go find a therapist that you can connect with. They're not all the same, so talk to a few and see what you can find. And then, share your story with him/her, and see what turns up for you. I'll leave you with another story that you might find interesting. A 55 year old woman was talking to a friend. She said, "I've always wanted to become a lawyer, but shoot, if I started college today I wouldn't be one until my early 60s." Her friend counseled, "So, when you're 60 you can either be a lawyer or not; the choice is up to you." And then the woman saw that it was indeed her choice, and started applying to schools. I'm not saying you should start hormones, plan on surgeries, or anything. I'm just saying (and saying it to myself as well) that we owe it to ourselves to take each day as it comes and be ourselves. We all deserve love, respect, and acceptance. Best, Emma
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