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Emma

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Everything posted by Emma

  1. I have no idea what’s common with laser hair removal or how to best treat your condition. I suggest phoning the laser technician and/or go see a dermatologist. Maybe the dermatologist would advise that the laser evidently wasn’t set or operated correctly. In the meantime I do know how you feel. I have an electrolysis appointment for Friday morning and can’t shave around my mouth and chin until after because she needs to be able to see the hairs and have enough length to grab with her tweezers. I’m very self conscious about it, especially tomorrow afternoon when I’m going to a women’s fashion party! Oh well, someday all this hair will be gone. Very impatient for that...
  2. I'd like to add what my therapist advised when I was in your situation. You are not responsible for your wife's feelings and/or emotions. Hers are valid and so are yours but authenticity means that you can (and should) express yourself regardless of their reaction. Trying to save her from her pain or worrying about it doesn't do you or her any good. Now, I know that's easy to say. Perhaps good to keep in mind though.
  3. I have also experienced this - truly. I really didn't know when she asked me. I just told her that I'd keep exploring, contemplating, etc. It was highly emotional and we did decide to divorce. It's still emotional for both of us as we remain close, but as BFFs, not a marriage partners. I'm afraid that for you this is one of those rare times when you need to seriously consider how important it is for you to find your authenticity and live it... or not. Of course only you can answer that. It may well upend your wife's world and yours, that's a fact. It's almost two years since I drove north from the Bay Area away from my wife and our home. At the time I really didn't know where I'd end up. As it is now, I legally changed my name and gender (surprised but I was compelled due to Trump's threats), started HRT (as an experiment at first, but I liked it much more than I expected), discarded all of my male clothing, came out to everyone I know, had GCS and breast augmentation surgeries, and am scheduled for facial surgery in one month. Honestly, I had no idea I'd do all this, need to do any of it. I've reached a decision point, thought about it, weighed it, made the decision, and then encountered the next decision point and repeated my process. I'm happier but I miss my life partner, flaws and all. I'm lucky that we stay in touch but she's 1,000 miles away...
  4. Emma

    Moving forward

    Tilly, I certainly understand your feelings. I felt very much the same way with each step, each attempt. Taking my estradiol in a pill, sublingually, allowing it to dissolve, felt like great candy. It doesn’t taste bad at all, and it feels so good to be doing Something! I’m now on estradiol via a patch which has reduced risk of DVT and it’s fine. But I miss taking those pills!
  5. Emma

    Moving forward

    I agree with Christy: - You need to have your blood estrogen and testosterone levels assessed before taking anything. During treatment you also want the tests at regular intervals to assess the effects of your medications. There is no other way to do this. - Unfortunately it’s highly doubtful that an herb will do much for you. Sorry, that’s the truth. - Even with taking pharmaceutical estradiol and spironolactone a two cup size increase (essentially becoming a solid B ) isn’t likely. Yes, this depends on age and other factors. I guess my boobs were an A cup and I used foam inserts to fill in B cup bras. I’d also like to point out that in addition to the herbs you’ll also need an anti-androgen like spironolactone. I’m not sure if there is such an effect from herbs or foods. Bottom line: you will get better and safer results if you have your doctor prescribe HRT for you. P.S. I do understand the desire to tackle all this on one’s own. For breast growth I bought a Noogleberry pump system for something like $150 that was recommended by a friend. I pumped and pumped and, well, it accomplished nothing.
  6. Christy: What is the "academy", please? Dee and Christy: After writing my comment on Monday I came across the report that my coach provided when I went through a more extensive test (which is known as the Meyers-Briggs Step I and Step II Testing and Interpretive Report) about seven years ago. Indeed, it pegs me as INTJ, however: - Although I'm an "I" (Introversion) I'm one of those people who often strikes up a friendly conversation in places like grocery store check out lines. When it comes to more professional conversations I have to push myself. - It's a real toss-up for me between S vs. I (Sensing vs. Intuition) and T vs. F (Thinking vs. Feeling). It's fascinating for me to read and consider this now, and with the added details in the report — which is 18 pages long — it's interesting to consider how I (we) straddle the Meyers-Briggs type indicators. I engaged with this coach at a time when I also wanted to consider an alternative career that I hoped would be more aligned with my core personality, values, etc. This has been a common theme throughout my adult life... although successful I was never satisfied. Notably, at that time (2012) my gender dysphoria and all that was buried way back in the closet under layers of shame. I certainly didn't share any of this with my coach. And now that I'm no longer avoiding that aspect of myself I feel confident that had I acknowledged and supported living and being authentic earlier in my life, well, I might very well have been happier in my career and/or would have found one that truly was more satisfying for me.
  7. As I recall, most of the time I test as INTJ. But, I had a professional test conducted about ten years ago which was a lot longer and detailed than the typical. I was really on the borderline, I vs E, F vs T, etc. I believe Meyers Briggs is very valuable to help us identify and accept our true natures, which is especially important for people like us who’re often struggling to understand much about ourselves.
  8. Emma

    The ultimatum

    Very well said, Christy. We all send best wishes.
  9. Emma

    The ultimatum

    Mine delivered a similar ultimatum. Right about the time she insisted that I move to the guest bedroom. Both of us were reeling with emotions. We continued to try to work things out with therapists, all that. About a year (or was it more?) I had done lots of research, reflection, etc., and had to tell her that I was indeed transgender. But I didn't know what that meant for me. I was clinging to a belief that if I could just dress from time to time in the privacy of our house — to relieve the gender dysphoria pressure — that I and we would be okay. To her credit she said no, we needed to get divorced so I could be free to discover and be my authentic self. We divorced just under two years ago, and I moved out permanently in April 2017. I settled in Seattle in August 2017. I was surprised that, over time, I just kept needing more. I'm now legally Emma, on HRT, just had GCS and BA, and in April will have FFS. Thankfully we are both very close with each other. We talk about every other week for an hour or more. Last night she really helped me when I was very down. We both love each other, that's for sure. We miss each other too. But I think my transition is just way too much for her. But we'll see. She plans on visiting later this year which will be very interesting. I keep encouraging her to move to Seattle. I love it up here.
  10. "I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future." Wow, Dee, that's so huge! Very proud of you! October is a long time to wait, that's for sure. As you said it gives you time to become more familiar and sure of yourself - always a good thing. I look forward to hearing more about your journey! Emma
  11. Tilly, I feel for you as I had a very similar experience. I suppose my only advice is to try to be patient with her, don't push her for affirmations such as kissing or perhaps even sitting together closely. She's processing all of this as best she can, weighing her options, very self-conscious about how your revelations may reflect on her with her friends and social connections. I'm sure you recall how much you wrestled with your feelings before coming out to her, and probably for much of your life. She needs time to catch up in her understanding. Hopefully she has a good therapist to talk with and learn from. Best wishes, Emma
  12. Hi Dee, wonderful, heartfelt list. Isn’t it amazing how doing something as simple as that puts your feelings in perspective? Hi Jess, take your time, no rush of course or need to post it. I suggest just creating an unordered list on paper as things come to mind. Later, you can edit and group them however you wish. I think it helps so much to witness the totality of our experiences like this. It sure did for me.
  13. Well, you asked! <6 years: preschool and kindergarten Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy. Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it. Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.” Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschool Playing with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would think Playing with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters 6-12 years: grade school Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs. Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st grade Wished I could be a mermaid Wanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear? Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop. Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on bars Unexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for me Bedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie. Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly. TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched Favorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of Thomasina Wanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school 13-18 years: junior and high school Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable. Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for me Hand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetings Trying on girdles from Goodwill bag Cutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bed Bought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me. Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the evening Lake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely. Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautious Stole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing Found yellow girly panties on lawn Found multicolored panties in HS parking lot 18-24 years: college More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be. Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dorm Halloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out. Twenties More clothing and dressing. Found navy blue dance panties in parking lot Bought leotard and tights at dance store Bought leotard at flea market Halloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours. Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless. Wearing leotard/panties during sex Thirties Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing. Wearing panties and nightgown during sex Visited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared. Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerie Lingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockings Forties Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal. Accumulating very small wardrobe KOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie. Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated. Serious suicide considerations Carla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, other Fifties Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist. Bringing leotard and tights on business trips It all emerges again: much more exploration Confrontations with wife Serious suicide attempts, much consideration Clothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store... Judy Van Maasdam’s confirmation Attended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with Judy Participation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLife Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed Sixties With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own? Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both. Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed Coming out to family and friends: all going relatively well Increasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transition Attended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people. Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book (You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery) and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided them with edits for their 2nd edition. Three days of transformation, living, and going out at Over The Rainbow in Portland. I loved it. Building up cosmetics, having fun experimenting and learning. Update (Summer 2017 thru September 2018) Started transitioning to Emma just over a year ago, living full time, never happier or more at peace in my life. No thoughts or worries about “de-transitioning.” Still some social anxiety but mostly gone. Life’s good. 100% out to all professional colleagues, friends, family. Most are very supportive, I even learned from one colleague that his son is possibly trans or gender variant. Divorce finalized December 2017; she and I still talk at least weekly, often for an hour or more, listening to each other, support, shoulder to cry on. Gender Odyssey Conference (Seattle): Attended August 2017, dressed as a woman (wig and all) for three days. Wonderful experience, learned a lot, made new friends. August 2018: attended all four days as a Session Host, had a fantastic time introducing speakers, managing the room, helping and talking with attendees. Started HRT 9/11/17: Consulted with an endocrinologist with an idea for an experiment for low-dose HRT. He agreed, I tried it, and loved it. Never looked back. Donated all of my male clothing to charity, now very comfortable shopping anywhere. Feminine voice training with Sandy Hirsch: went very well Legally changed my name and gender marker in all state and federai records Happily accepted by local lesbian groups for hiking, camping, and just fun. Several new and great friends. Joined Human Rights Campaign as a volunteer; hoping for greater responsibilities soon. GCS scheduled for 1/31/19.
  14. I certainly started borrowing clothing from my mother’s drawers early in elementary school. I even sewed my own out of rags in junior high. One thing really helped me determine and accept that I’m trans and that was to create a list of things I did and fantasized about throughout my life. I broke it down into major age groups such as: - pre school - elementary school - junior high and high school - 20s - 30s - etc Within each timeframe I had a bulleted list of single sentences that reminded me of the event or activity. It took me some days to get it filled in because I kept remembering things that needed to be added. When it was complete I shared it with my therapist who remarked that he could not imagine someone who is not trans as having such a list, showing how my fantasies and feelings are such a consistent thread in my life. This idea might help others too. But I recommend that you enter it into a file or write it out. Trying to keep it all in one’s mind is next to impossible and prevents one’s ability to see the whole picture.
  15. Ah yes, I remember your post! I’m glad you re-entered it. You do look terrific, your hair, face, and that lovely red coat. 2.5 hours for coffee is quite a drive. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to do it, and I’ve no doubt you’ll have a great time. I’ve done similarly. I recall about ten years ago I’d gone off camping by myself, away from my wife and family. They had decent WiFi in the campground and I surfed the web like mad. I’d bought some tights at a grocery store and wore them beneath my pants which felt good. But I needed more. I had to have more. I then drove about 300 miles south to Los Angeles to go to a store that specialized in cross dressing clothes. I was there when they opened, shopped for an hour, and then returned to my campground. The clothes weren’t very nice or of good quality but I enjoyed wearing them. So, I know at least something about what you’re going through. It’s exciting but also so stressful at times. Remember this please: your joy comes from a true sense of finally experiencing your authentic self. There is nothing wrong or untoward about you or your feelings.
  16. Emma

    Saratoga Pride

    Good for you Jessica! You’re lucky to have found such a nice group that’s close to you. I echo what you are feeling going out. Wow, when I first started I was so scared, even to drive my car. Slowly, slowly, it’s come to the point that we dream of, that I just get dressed in whatever feels best and appropriate for the occasion. Yesterday when going to a clinic to see a girlfriend for a medical exam, I wore a longish navy skirt, black leggings, and white Banana Republic sweater. We’re getting together this evening and I’m thinking of a pair of khaki green pants and a casual top. Comfy, nice looking, and casual. Keep putting yourself out there. Sure, we connect with some people more than others. That’s the spice of life.
  17. Wow, your writing comes to me at a time when I happen to really need it. Thank you.
  18. Emma

    Painting my toes?!

    Pretty hard to paint ones toes! I think you're right, practice. Have lots of nail polish remover and cotton balls handy to clean off the mistakes. And, do it over paper or something that won't be damaged if (when) you spill. Honestly, I think you'd be much happier getting a pedicure at a salon. It's pretty inexpensive, easy. and they do more than just paint your nails.
  19. I’ve thought a lot about Jess’s post and the comments. I think I initially missed her point and now get it. I don’t “present” as a woman either. I’m just me, Emma, a woman going about her life. I’m not wearing a costume, they’re just clothes that I happen to like and feel good in. I suppose it wasn’t necessary for me to post this but hey, that’s why we have comments!
  20. I’d like to add that each of our authentic presentations is unique, and that’s wonderful. Speaking for myself determining that presenting (being) as a woman all the time was a bit surprising but now just feels natural. But women have many different styles and determining how I want to live in that spectrum is an ongoing adventure. I’m narrowing in and yet I’m drawn in many directions. My point is that it’s totally cool with me wherever feels right for you on the gender spectrum and within that where you reside. In fact I think it’s delightful that you’re thumbing your nose at the status quo. Be yourself, be Jess, always.
  21. I understand and applaud you. Just present as Jess and screw the rest. The only important thing is for you to feel good in your own skin. Besides that nothing matters.
  22. Emma

    My First 18

    My goodness, BA, what a horrible childhood. Mine sucked but nothing like yours. My mother was manic depressive, often in her bed, never loving. My father was nice but I didn’t know him because he was always at work. As an only child I basically took care of myself while tiptoeing around the house in real fear that I’d get yelled at, spanked, or both. My mother committed suicide when I was 24 and, truth be told, I wasn’t sad. Just ready to move on.
  23. Hey Jess, Right on! It’s certainly scary to go out but with repetition it just becomes natural. That said I do enjoy choosing my outfit to fit my mood and the social situation I anticipate finding myself in. The more important thing: don’t look back, love looking forward, to being your authentic self. Sure, it’d be better had you done it long ago but that’s all in the past. I’ll be 63 in May, so we are close in age and experience. This afternoon I was at a friend’s who has an 11 year old trans daughter. I spent about an hour with her as she showed me how she operates an MIT program that she uses to write programs of her own. She’s so delightful, I’m so envious. She’s just over a half century younger than me, can you imagine? I decided to just enjoy my short time with her. I’m the surrogate grandma! Emma
  24. Emma

    2019

    Welcome! Best wishes to you for 2019 too!
  25. Hi Monica and Christy, I think you are both more on the same page than otherwise. Sure, it’d make sense for companies and individuals who support LGBTQ groups to display their alignments with customers and employees. But, as Christy said, for whatever reason that may not be practical or desirable for the supporters. In fact I happen to know that the local HRC groups are not provided with names and contact info of local members for that very reason: they might worry about being out-ed. Christy’s correct that the organization is free to offer decals and so forth but it’s certainly okay for a supporter to decline.
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