LovelyLisa

I think people get wrapped up in the fact that she is financially independent and well off. That she does not face the same struggles as the rest of us. But while most of us are able to transition in relative anonymity, Bruce now Caitlyn cannot. I'll bet, if she wasn't so famous and an Olympic hero to many, she would have transitioned years ago. But she did not. She lived in a personal prison. Not wanting to disappoint millions of Americans and people around the world. Can you imagine that? Here I am worried about disappointing my mom, sister, wife ... and she has this burden her whole life that none of us could imagine. I am proud of her! Growing up, Bruce Jenner was a hero to me. Caitlyn Jenner still is that Olympic hero. That being said, some of the Vanity Fair shots were highly sexualized. Maybe I am sensitive to it because I am trans* or because Caitlyn (and I) am older. I just worry for other older trans* women, like myself, that the "bar" has been set high. I am a very self-critical person, but I worry that I and others will be measured by cisgender people who see this. We don't have infinite amounts of money or free time to look that good. (Lol! Don't we wish!) So it is somewhat a false reality. Though, it is no different then the reality that women face who see advertising "pump out" sexualized images on a daily basis. Anyways, I am "net-positive" about all of this. When I saw the pictures, I had the same reaction, "WOW! I cannot believe that used to be Bruce Jenner. She looks incredible!"

Karen, that is great news. It is so good to hear that you are doing great!

Warren, wow! That was an epic post! I am so sorry that you've had such a struggle. Hang in there. It sounds like you are persevering!

Monica, I currently go to MCC for Second Fridays moderated by Emma Chattin and Roxanne Edwards. It is wonderful. Emma is a warm, loving and awesome person. I will most likely check out MCC as well as other accepting churches.

Regarding T-friendly churches, there are several in the area to choose from. I am not necessarily giving up on my church, for a number of reasons. Karen, yes I have been dissolving Estradiol under my tongue. Initially, I am on 2 mg per day and then 4 mg per day after the first 30 days. I have been on 200 mg of spironolactone for over a month. I have a little bit of hair thinning on the top and receding hairline, so I am going to start taking finasteride after my next visit. Since it is an antiandrogen as well, my doctor said that he may need to back off the spiro a bit. We will see. It depends on my levels the next time I have bloodwork. It's weird, but almost immediately I noticed the affects of the spiro on me. Estradiol, not so much. Except the first time I took it, I was at the grocery, with my first dose under my tongue and I actually felt a "high" from it almost immediately for15 to 20 minutes that went away. That hasn't happened since then. I don't know if I'm just used to it now or if it was situational (i.e. I was standing up and took it after a 10 hour day of working). I had another hour of electrolysis today on the gray hairs. I will have laser next week, though after over 7 weeks, there are very few hairs growing in. The electrologist seemed to think that will change by next week. There has been almost no regrowth over the last 7.5 weeks. The dense areas of hair are almost gone. There have been a handful of hairs (maybe a couple dozen) that have grown back starting about 4 weeks ago, but the hairs are much more thin than before. But no regrowth over the last 4 weeks. So I am crossing my fingers.

I had a little bit of an odyssey this weekend filing my prescription. So even though I received the script on Wednesday, I was not able to fill it until today (wow). It's amazing, but it hardly cost me a thing. 2 months of Estradiol and 1 month of Spironolactone for $25 through Costco. So I took Estradiol for the first time today. Just a 1 MG pill, but felt a little different immediately after for about 15 to 20 mins. Not sure what that was about. I had an empty stomach. Also, the Dr. asked that I let the pill dissolve under my tongue for maximum effect. I don't know if that was what did it. For the first 30 days, I am to take 1 Mg twice per day and then it doubles after that. I will have follow up bloodwork in August just to check my levels again. Should be interesting!! Which is amazing. Insurance is covering the bloodwork and appointments. The biggest short term expensive is electrolysis and laser. I had to delay the laser two weeks, because I had very little growth after 7 weeks. I don't know if it will come screaming back at 8 weeks. I hope not. Yesterday, my wife had a meeting with our pastor, where my pastor made disparaging remarks about local trans* issues in the area. I somewhat expected being trans may be a problem at my current church. Anyways, my wife was mad and upset and told me to put off telling our pastor that I am trans*. I told her that I may look at other churches. I grew up Presbyterian and did not realize that they are trans* friendly. I am not going to say what denomination that I currently go to, but I will seriously consider going back to the Presbytery. Methodists, Episcopals, UU's and other churches are accepting and won't be a problem for me. I will plan on visiting different ones, one per month, until I can decide what I want to do. I was so proud of my wife. Her momma bear instincts kicked in big time. I am so thankful for that!

Eve, thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. My hope is, as in your case, that time and circumstance help us persevere through this as a family. That is the hope anyway. And certainly, self-medicating is not good. I thought about doing that many times with prescription medication and I am glad I did not. Though, I did take over the counter vitamins and glandulars for a few months, which actually worked. Though, I am off of those and will not do those again. --Lisa

I went to my therapist today. Scheduled an appointment for June 18th in five weeks. I told her how things were going and the progress that I've made. It was more of an update and encouragement. She did provide me a signed copy of a safety letter. I am going to scan it and make copies. One thing we talked about is my wife. Saturday night, she asked me what I was doing, that me transitioning was affecting her psychologically and that she was having difficulty focusing and burying herself in her volunteer work. Gave her an update and she said that this is a rollercoaster ride she doesn't want to be on. That she didn't signup for this. I told her that I know, that I didn't expect her to stay with me and that I loved her. She said that she doesn't want to be married to a woman. I totally understand that. But it doesn't sound good. Later she said that she wants me to be happy and that we will figure it out. I also approached her about dressing in front of her. She called it a nail in the coffin of our marriage. I glad she is honest with me and speaks her mind. But I walked away thinking that we are pretty much done. At this point, I will move forward but it will be about not making her angry so that we can work together.

Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate it! --Lisa

I had my followup appointment today after my bloodwork on April 29th, which was to confirm my potassium and electrolyte levels were not being adversely affected by the spironolactone. Everything was normal. The doctor asked me if I was still going to a therapist and I said that I was, tomorrow. We also talked more about my plans. I told him that I was not out at work yet, that it would take a while. That my wife was taking it hard but that she supports me (to an extent). I told him that I wanted to wait one or two years to transition because I wanted to give the hormones time. He said that I am to come back in three months for blood work and then he would prescribe finasteride to see how much it will help me, but that he wanted to wait until then. I said thank you and scheduled my two follow up appointments at the desk. As I left and went into the lobby, I was happy and excited. As I walked out the door, into the cool, dry spring air, I felt a sudden flood of emotions come over me and tears came to my eyes. After all these years of internal struggle, total hell, it is finally over. I am finally taking care of this problem and confronting it head on. It is amazing that I made it to this point. Since I was in elementary school, I thought about transition, living an authentic life. But it just wasn't in the cards for me. There were too many barriers, too many forces fighting against me. Mostly, I thought that I needed to give it a chance. To live as a man. I might like it, adapt to it in a way where I could lose myself, forget who I was. Months went by, then years: college, marriage, graduate school, business, two children (and now a dog!). All of these things and people in my life are wonderful blessings. I will cherish each moment of my life and the roles that I fill and have filled. That will not change. I will miss male privilege, lose some friends, gain some others. This is and will be so painful for those who do not question gender, because the binary definition of gender is so rigid, accepted, engrained in everything and so well understood that it is not to be questioned. It is the primary way that we present and are defined by society. So, changing gender, especially if I decided not to conform to a binary definition of gender, is like throwing a stick of dynamite into a nuclear reactor. The chain reaction cannot be controlled or contained, lol. So, that was one of the things that I said to the doctor today, that there will be those who cannot accept this, accept me or what I am doing. There will be things that will happen that will be hurtful and upsetting. But I cannot control these things or people. I can only move forward and live my life the way it needs to be lived. Do I have plans? Yes. But they are somewhat foggy and are subject to circumstance? Yes. Do I know what surgeries I am going to have? No. I am not going to let others dictate my life and I am not going to get worked up if something doesn't work out or I didn't do something by the book. I will drive my schedule, but will not be driven by it. It will be fluid, subject to change and circumstance, not dictated by others. I am too old, ragged and worn out to get worked up by the things in life that don't work out. I am going to "ENJOY" this journey and not be upset, stressed out or God forbid ashamed by it. This road traveled has a lot of miles to it. I have tried everything but now it is time. It is my time. I hope that everyone has had a wonderful day. Love and Blessings to everyone! --Lisa

Christie, That sounds great. Good for you. Getting started is part of the battle! Lisa

I just need to be mindful of what she is going through and her feelings on this. I need to move forward, but certainly I don't want to make her mad. We work so well together as a couple. We really are a great team. Over the last 15 years, our relationship has been a lot of work and sacrifice. I respect her so much. Unfortunately, things do change. I know that I have changed over the last 3 years. For the better I think, but she has grown more distant with me. It's not good. I've had several friends go through separation and divorce. At some point, I may get a sledgehammer between the eyes. I hope not. Because we are both better off working together than apart.

I've been doing better this last week, however had a pretty pivotal conversation with my wife. She hasn't wanted to talk about what I'm doing, doctor's appt, electrolysis, etc. But on Saturday night, she told me that she wanted to talk about it. So I told her what I was doing (even though I had told her what I was doing before) and she basically told me she felt like she was on a rollercoaster ride that she did not sign up for. That going on hormones and seeing me dressed were nails in the coffin of our marriage. In other words, we are done and it is just a matter of time. I told her that I totally understood, that I do not blame her for her feelings and that I love her. She basically told me that she was having a difficult time dealing with this psychologically, that she was burying herself in the kids, activities, television, Internet, etc. to avoid thinking about it. The next morning, mother's day, I woke up and just cried. It's amazing. She is a special, special person. Lately, I've been having a lot of sex dreams with her, but she wants nothing to do with me. But, that is okay. This stuff is really, really hard. I've been dealing with it my entire life, and now everyone else gets to deal with it, along side me. My immediate concern is that I don't make her angry. I'm not going to walk around on eggshells round her, however I am going to respect where she is at and the boundaries. I did tell her that I needed to start hormones soon, because it will take 2 - 3 years for the changes to happen (like I really know). She was supportive of that. That is really all that I can ask. Keep the hair removal and hormones going. My follow up appointment is this Wednesday at 5pm to find out if I can start estrogen. My blood tests came back normal after starting the Spiro, so I'm hoping that is an affirmative and I walk away with a prescription for estrogen. Hopefully, in two months or so, i can start finasteride to address the hair loss. But he said that he'll most likely cut back on the spiro to do that. Whatever. I am hopeful for the future, but know that there is a much higher chance that this will not go well, at least initially, and that I will not get the support that I need. But there is nothing that I can do about how people act or feel. But there is much more uncertainty now in my future. I still have not had that talk with my pastor. In fact, I had to skip the vestry meeting tonight because today was a rough day for me. So I still need to do that. Still need to tell my kids. My wife wants me to hold off. Because she feels that my daughter is having a rough time. But I feel like the time is now before she gets older. I love all of you and hope that you had a good week. Please send me an email or comment. I love hearing from everyone. --Lisa

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been. If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

I had blood work done on Wednesday to make sure that my potassium levels were not too high on the Spiro. Those tests came out normal, which was good. I am hoping that means that I will get a prescription for Estrogen at my followup appt on May 13. I had a one hour electrolysis appointment on Thurs. It went really well. The electrologist flew and was able to clear a significant amount of hairs around my lips and chin. My blood pressure is normal, I still have bouts of anxiety so I need to start to take something for that soon. I had long conversations with my wife, mom and sister this week. My mom is having a hard time understanding why I need to do this. It certainly was not my first option, lol! The way I described it to my mom is that I had developed ways to cope with my male gender over the years. This included repressing a lot of things. Once I stop repressing memories and feelings, and the repression was stripped away, I could no longer cope. Everything that I had tried in the past which used to work, does not work anymore. I told my mom not to worry about me, that I have really good survival instincts. I am under no illusion about how tough this road is that I will travel. Yet, I will not let people treat me poorly or be disrespectful. Changing gender is taboo and challenges cultural norms. But, really, when you think about it, why is changing one's gender such a big deal? It is a personal choice that impacts no one, except those who are sensitive and/or judgmental. But there is nothing that can be done about this. I hope everyone has had a good week. Be happy, be well and be safe!! Love, Lisa

You need to take the time and financial resources required to get through this. And that is how you can explain it to your wife. This process is difficult for everyone. Many times our loved ones feel like we are being selfish because we are dragging them through this. Also, if your spouse has never had to support herself or family or has tremendous fear of change, there is a lot of anxiety and anger, because the peaceful life is being disrupted. In my case, I've sacrificed my life for others my entire life and have slaved for my family so that they are well taken care of. So, being trans* is extremely upsetting because now I am the one with problems and am not the solid, strong person taking the lead. So it has been really difficult for me to even go to therapy, because I feel like I am taking money from the family. But I realized eventually that I need to be good to myself, otherwise I am good to no one. Particularly if I have a mental breakdown. How will I go to work?

Going out and presenting is related to dress, mannerisms and confidence. That takes practice. Which means a lot of going out in the "cis" world to get that practice. When I was young I could wear and do whatever I wanted and passing was not an issue. The older I got, I started to wear things that were age and situation appropriate and that helps. But it comes back to confidence. For example, I had gone to a service last Saturday and was in a nice dress and heels and I went to Target on the way home. At first I was like, I don't usually wear this to Target. But today was a unique situation, it was a funeral service, so I shouldn't feel bad about it or out of place. I don't know if there were a lot of people looking, but I did have someone make an interesting comment to me when I was walking back to my car. They said "hey, beautiful". Which to me was a little derogatory but I was kind to the person. Anyways, you need to make eye contact and respond. Even if you do not have a "female" voice. Otherwise, the person does think you are strange, a little off or maybe lacking social graces instead of just being nervous.

Happy Friday everyone. I hope that all of you had a good week. I am finishing up the first week on Spironolactone. So far I haven't really noticed much. I feel better, but I don't think it is because of the medication, it is more about starting HRT. I had electrolysis and "touch up" laser. I think that I doubled the pain with that approach. I'm going to try to do both again in two weeks. But if it is too much, I'll schedule separate appointments. The electrolysis wasn't too bad. She mostly worked around by mouth and chin. She did say that my complexion is really good but the hairs go really deep. Hopefully that does not mean I have to do a million treatments and I can get away with only doing 4 or 5. Other than that, we had a couple people leave work for better opportunities. My kids figured out I was the Easter bunny today. My daughter figured out I was the tooth fairy today as well and was really upset. So I was "outted". Lol! They still think Santa is real, though. --Lisa

Gosh - when you think about it, my life will be full of little coming out letters. Probably for the rest of my life! Lol! It's like a barrage of rocking people's worlds over and over and over again. I just hope that I receive compassion when it is "my time". --Lisa

I started making a couple minor updates. I am shortening the letter and intentionally pulled the fifth paragraph Everyone will understand that I am transgender or that I am having difficulty with my gender identity after reading this letter or me reading it to them. But I don't want to elaborate too much and give someone too many openings to not support or criticize me. It can become like a mob mentality, all that is required is a label which is defined in thousands of ways in the media, mostly wrong for the world to turn against me. I also started writing a letter for my children. My therapist gave me several suggests, but that link Emma has provided has a lot of good guidance on how to talk to loved ones in addition to this letter Thank you Karen and Emma for your help! I have read a lot of letters, but none of them seemed to fit me or communicate what I wanted communicated, in a direct, strong but loving and emotionally connected manner. Thus, I knew I would need to write this one myself. --Lisa

This past week was interesting. I just started an upped dosage of Spiro today. It seems to be agreeing well with me. No side affects and it seemed to calm me. I went to a service on Saturday. On my way home, much like I usually do, I'll stop in Target, etc. to get food, wine, whatever. I was a bit overdressed but looked presentable and classy. Anyways I had someone say to me, "hey beautiful" and I, being a bit flustered said "Thank you". I am always polite, but I was a little mad at myself. If he had told me that I looked nice or beautiful, I would have been okay. But "hey beautiful" just seemed derogatory towards women. I've had guys say so many things to me before, I am surprised I was surprised. I think that my mind was in a different place due to the service. It was beautiful, but I felt bad after the service. This week at work, I found out three people are leaving. One was fired after he gave his two weeks. So, I am picking up the pieces. I thought that my head would explode on Monday. I have a touch up laser and electrolysis this Thursday. Nothing next week, but then a baseline blood test the week after that. Hopefully I can get on estrogen sooner than later. We'll see. It won't happen for at least another 4 weeks though. But I've been waiting for 38 years to live as myself. What's a couple more months or years. Oh and there is one more thing. Anxiety is creeping back. My ability to cope was gone after all of the repression was stripped away. I though that may be that was in my past but I will need something. Hopefully, everyone's week is going well so far. Tomorrow is humpday!! Love, Lisa

Thank you all for your help! It will take me a little time to absorb.

Monica, thank you for the feedback. My mind is starting to emerge from the confused fog that it has been these last few months. I am now starting to have moments or periods of clarity. Thank God. Because I thought I was going crazy there for awhile. It just took me some time to find those marbles that I lost and pop them back into my head again! Lol! I am so thankful for this forum and opportunity to blog. This was something that did not exist just a few years ago. And thank you for shepherding us. You have been a wonderful moderator! Love, Lisa

I decided to start crafting a coming out letter. It has been a long time coming. I've read a lot about coming out to friends, family, children, coworkers, etc. Each is a unique audience. I wrote this first letter primarily to read to my pastor. If you could review and provide comments I would appreciate it. The one thing that I did not do in the letter, that so many other letters attempt to do is explain gender dysphoria or what transgender is or means. I consciously decided not to do that. First, if anyone has any questions I want them to approach me and ask. Second, what I've noticed in coming out letters, particularly ones that try to explain gender issues in a way that justifies transition, it is a slippery slope. In many letters, it is almost like the writer is giving the reader authority to weigh in or to disagree. So, I've tried to intentionally limit discussions of "Why" and "What I am". They can ask if they have questions and they can accept me. There is not a lot of middle ground here. Thank you for your help! "There is something that only very few friends and family know about me. Something that I have struggled with since I was a very young child. I have gender dysphoria. I have had therapy and attended support groups off and on for over the last 28 years or so to seek understanding and to cope with this. Over the last six months I have started attending therapy and support groups on a regular basis to gain support, knowledge and acceptance. Over the past month I have started to be treated medically based on the recommendation of my therapist and doctor. What does this mean? Over the next two to three years I will transition to living as a female. This will be an adjustment for everyone, particularly friends and loved ones who have always known me as Scott. There have been and will continue to be people who accept me unconditionally without any understanding. But I know there will be those who struggle with this, seeking some sort of logical argument or explanation prior to acceptance. I do not have a logical explanation for why I am this way or why I now feel that it is critical for me to live as a female after living as the gender that I was assigned at birth for 42 years. Why now? I have prayed about this since I was a child. I have asked for many things and made many promises to the Lord. I have asked the Lord to change me, to help me cope and to accept me. Each time I've prayed I have felt a love that is strong and accepting. I am female in mind and in spirit, but male biologically. There a many people in this world who face serious challenges. It just so happens that this is the life challenge that I was meant to face. I was made this way for a reason. I don't completely understand why yet or fully appreciate or comprehend. But I do know and have known for years that the Lord made me and he accepts me for who I am. What has been the most difficult for me is that even though I am accepted by Jesus, I have never fully accepted myself. Though I still do not fully accept myself, transitioning to living as female is a step towards this self acceptance. It is a very painful step for many involved, yet it is a necessary step for me to emerge from the shadows and to live an open, healthy life. I fully expect some anger, rejection directed towards me. No matter, I will always love those who have known me and supported me as Scott. However, for sanity sake I will step away and out of the lives of those who act out in destructive ways or are abusive. I will hope and pray that anyone who rejects me based on this will find the peace and joy that comes with acceptance. And my door will always be open to anyone who genuinely loves me and seeks understanding. One more thing, many transgender individuals who have gender dysphoria transition to their perceived gender or they commit suicide. My hope is that I can help others avoid this pain, isolation and rejection by setting a positive example and helping create an environment of acceptance and understanding. For people who are transgender, there is a lot of confusion mostly due to lack of support, misinformation and / or rejection by friends, family or society in general. In some way, I hope that I can help and "pay forward" much of the love and support that I have received over the years to others in need. In closing, if you have any questions about issues related to gender identity or gender dysphoria, please approach me and ask me those questions. I am looking forward to discussing as well as providing resources to those who genuinely seek understanding. Thank you for your love and support."

I would like her to see me too. Part of it is we are so busy and we rarely get more than a couple of mins together alone because of the kids.