LovelyLisa

I am still battling anxiety and depression. But the meds are clearly helping. Three weeks ago I was barely able to function. Now my head is above water again. Though last weekend and Monday and Wednesday were rough. Today was a little rough as well. But Tuesday was amazing. I finally snapped out of it. I was sitting at my desk, just thinking to myself "this is what normal people must feel like." I don't ever remember feeling that good for years. I probably should have been anxiety / anti-depression medications years ago. But when you suffer with something for a long time, it is hard to know what "better" really is. Anyways, I went shopping last weekend, bought three dresses to improve my mood. It helped. I went to support group. Out to dinner, lunch. Biked a lot over the weekend. But the biggest change over the last four weeks is that I've stopped drinking, been eating less, eating healthier, going to bed early, getting up early. I've been exercising regularly. I've been focused on wellness and it has paid off for me. I feel so much better! And I am doing better. I hope that everyone is doing well and have a good weekend! Love, Lisa

Karen, You go girl! ;-) --Lisa

Eve, Great post! One thing that I would like to add is that self-medicating can be extremely dangerous. There are a percentage of people who are risking their lives by doing so because they may be at risk. But you make a good point about feminizing. I have known my whole life I was trans*. Though I did not take prescribed drugs to feminize before I started HRT under a doctor's care, I did take supplements for a while. They can work, somewhat, but actually are a big waste of money (I spend much less on Estradiol and Spironalactone $20 / month - Generic pricing via Costco). Anyways, the decision to take hormones or even supplements should not be taken lightly. My goal with the supplements was to try to stay as feminine as possible without transitioning. I did have some breast growth and hip growth with them. But looking back, I had in some small way had already made a decision to transition, without really knowing or understanding what was going on inside of me. I thought I was in control. So my advice for anyone considering supplements or "bootleg" Estrogen, they should seek support (here and elsewhere) and therapy, in order to understand what that means and where it is headed. It can be hard for those to take that first step. Because those are tough questions to answer and many "don't want to go there". Anyone who reads this comment, and needs help, please contact me. I can and will help. --Lisa

Thank you everyone for your support! Steph, it sounds like you have a more difficult situation than I and have pushed ahead with your life. I agree, I do need to get out more often. Karen, I am on the path to transition, starting April 2015, and was planning on going full-time in August / Sept 2017 around my 45th birthday (I thought that it would be appropriate). I wanted to take my time due to expenses, hoping to potentially find a better work situation and to give myself time to adjust and learn what it is to be female. Also, I wanted to get a lot of the laser / electrolysis out of the way before FFS surgery, since technically, I need to stop 2 weeks before and 6 - 8 weeks after. That seems to be going well. I was going at it aggressively, but there were several weeks this summer I didn't go. Most of my face is clear since starting in April. Hoping that by the end of the year / early spring I'll be able to go only once every other week, instead of once a week. I've only been on Estradiol for 5 months. I also want to give my body time for those to work. Further, my mom is planning on moving near me at the end of 2016 / 2017. If there should be any issues with housing, she will be able to help me out at that time. However, after what happened, I may need to do this earlier regardless of all of these well laid plans. What I am afraid of, and this is what I've told my wife, is that this will overwhelm me regardless of whether or not I am on medication. I could end up in the hospital or worse. So, I need to see how things go. I can tell already my meds need to be upped. So that's going to take a couple of months at time to do that.

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know why exactly. I've been in a rut this summer. The intense anxiety that I experienced in April came back on Tuesday. I had it all day into Wednesday morning. Almost went to the ER. I cried all day long. I did get Xanax and Zoloft. It will take a couple of months to get my levels right, I'm sure. I feel better at the moment, but it comes and goes. I had problems on Thursday, Friday and today. I know what the reason is. Gender Dysphoria. I don't know exactly what triggered it. However, I did spend time out this weekend, had a great time but had to go back to guy mode in order to go to work. So the reason is clear. I need to transition to full-time at some point.. The meds are just bandaid. So I had a long talk with my wife. I told her that I will need to transition earlier. She cried. But I told her that eventually this will kill me. The meds are just a bandaid to get by. She agreed. We talked about telling her family, our children, my work, about her getting a job, neighbors, me possibly moving out, surgery, finances. It was a tough, tough conversation. She did so well though. She is so calm, understanding an smart which is amazing considering what we discussed. Well I need to get to bed. I'll post more later. Love you all! Lisa

Karen, it sounds like you are settling in just fine. I've had these kind of pickups every once in a while. Seems to happen to me when I go to Target, for some weird reason or when I get gas. Usually I know how to handle the situation, depending on what is said. There are times I am direct with the person, other times I give them a death stare and walk away. Or other times, I say thank you. Sometimes I am speechless. I had a gentleman say, "hello beautiful". I was speechless. The words "thank you" were murmured from my lips. That was all that he said and he kept walking. In a way, I hate that. Being objectified. Yet, when someone says something like that, it is difficult for me to respond. Yet I flirt with people as well. Most people recognize that I am trans and they are either curious or just want to learn more. It doesn't hurt looking good in the process.

The advice my mom gave me is, 'unless they need to know do not tell them and no one needs to know". It is your choice.

These last few months, I've been in a rut. A real rut. And on occasion this rut is deep, dark and I've had claw myself out of it. Thankfully, I've had friends who have been pulling me out of it, checking on me even though I have not asked for help. Often there is a great deal of shame in admitting that I need help, pride that I can conquer things on my own and also the feeling like I am troubling others with my problems. Though there are times where we all must walk alone with only the Lord Jesus holding our hand, it does not have to be that way. There are people there to help, just ask. Unfortunately, those who need the help, are in most cases, the least likely to ask. This weekend I went to the funeral of my cousin, who took his own life. He was struggling, but most in the family had no idea that this was going on. Several years ago, he lost a child, he lost his mother (my aunt) and recently his daughter has had struggles. I knew about her struggles. I was corresponding with her after reaching out, but had no idea that her dad was having difficulties of his own. They have no knowledge of my struggles and even though my mom knew what was going on with my cousin, she didn't tell me because she knew of my struggles and didn't want to burden me further. Does any of this make sense? The only conclusion I can draw from this is that we need to reach out and stay in contact with others who we care deeply about, because some day they may be gone. We also need to reach out to those people we don't know, who we suspect are having difficulty. My cousin did all sorts of things for complete strangers. He once bought new glasses for someone he saw at a restaurant who had duct tape holding together his glasses (even though he barely had enough money of his own). He constantly helped and lended a hand to anyone who was in obvious difficulty. The guy he bought glasses for, that story stands out because he posted something on Facebook. Well, I am heartbroken. Everyone is. I've having a difficult time accepting what happened.

Christie, Thank you. Unfortunately, I had to reschedule due to a business meeting. I was not happy about that!

Warning - this is a boring post. Thank goodness, lol! I am doing better since my last post. Things have stabilized. I talked with my wife today and she was warm and reaffirming. I've been biking a lot. I rode 50 miles yesterday and almost 80 miles today with a friend from my support group. I am getting ready for the Reston Century in two weeks. Still have more work to do, if I am going to make it. But I feel better about my chances. I did go to my therapist appt two weeks ago, but have missed a couple support group meetings as well as "going out" events. Part of it is that I've been out of town quite a bit, on vacation or travel. Things should settle down bit after my kids go to school. This summer has been much busier than I expected overall. In fact, I missed three weeks of electrolysis appts. I'll miss again next week as well. I went to an appt to get blood work this week, for the first time since starting Estradiol. Everything came out normal, however I don't know what my levels are yet. I have a follow-up appt scheduled next week, but will need to reschedule to the following week. I hope that all is well with everyone. I am feeling much better. Hope that will continue and hope that all is well with all of you. --Lisa

Karen, Thank you for posting that picture. You look great and so happy. It stinks that your friend's husband kept her up late. That's ridiculous. I hope he doesn't do that often. Good friends are very hard to come by and in this age stay connected to. I think we all have had long gaps where we don't make time for our friends or they are too busy. --Lisa

Well, my breasts do hurt all of the time now. I may look into a sleeping bra.

I feel much better. It took me a couple of days to emerge from the mental crater left behind from my meltdown a week ago. Work and a business trip, took my mind off of things for a while. It was the perfect medicine for what ailed me which I knew would be the case. I had to buy sports bras because running has become painful. 2 for $20 from Costco. Breasts are a pain in the a$$, but I'll take them. Lol! I am almost a size B which is crazy. My left breast is growing faster than my right. I don't want them to get too big. I like to exercise quite a bit, so they just get in the way. Plus being big breasted makes it harder to find dresses. I can always add padding if i need to. Work is getting better. I finally feel like I am starting to fit in after 2.5 years at my current job, lol! My wife did tell two close family friends, who go to our church and are the godparents to our kids, that I am trans*. My wife said that they were supportive, which is good news. Not sure other members will feel the same. Thank you for all of your love and support! I cannot do it without you all. I hope that you have a glorious week. Love and Blessings, --Lisa

Thank you all for the feedback. I feel much better. I found myself doubting myself again today, but it was very fleeting. It typically is fleeting. I think that a lot of it is triggered by the unknown. This will take me time to get used to. Right now my breasts are sore and growing like gangbusters. Lots of changes, mentally and physically. Just trying to take it in stride. What I most like about all of this, is my personality. I am so much more of a humble person now and laid back. Other than those crazy moments, I am the opposite of a drama queen. Very even keeled. Not having the T in my system has overall lowered my anxiety, aggressive behavior. I've always been a gentle person and soul, but I am much more calm and understanding. I really like that! It just suits my personality and I feel like I belong to the human race for the first time in my life.

I took some time off of work. It was wonderful. 11 days off. Spent a lot of time with my family and my children. So as with everything, it is just a fleeting moment, a "snapshot in time". I had to go back to work and my wife took the kids to her parents to FL to visit. Right off the bat, I MISS ALL OF THEM!! They left Sat morning, but I found myself in full meltdown mode on Sunday night. And I found myself seriously questioning transition. I cannot remember the last time I called "home" in tears. Nothing is stronger than the human bond. Anyways, I mentioned in previous blog posts that I've had these minor panics in the middle of the night. Mostly based on transition. I called my mom last night, because I knew that I needed it. She and I had the most frank conversation about being trans*, what it means, how "I feel". She still does not understand, but is very supportive, which I am so thankful for. Anyways, I told her that she, my sister and my family (my wife, kids and silly dog) are the most important people in my life. That when I started to take Estradiol, I started to think more clearly than I have for many, many years. And that I wish I wasn't this way, was having second thoughts of transition and that the death of my dad may have something to do with a lot of what I've been going through over the last 9 months. There are other things like losing my business of 8 years, working in DC and having to deal with a terrible commute and the stress of the job. Anyways, she encouraged me to talk with my wife and to think about what I want to do. I told her that my desire to transition was extremely strong, until HRT but that a cloud was lifted when I started HRT and that the Testosterone was causing me to be super aggressive and driven to transition, was gone. Make no mistake. I have been TG my whole life, but this is an adjustment not having T in my system. So, what I told her was that in a perfect world, I would have transitioned when I was child, but that did not happen. Instead, I learned to be male. Being male, versus female, has been such a big part of my life that it has screwed me up. I have learned to socialize as male versus female. This is a huge uphill climb for me. Anyways, there is a saying that, "getting old is not for sissies". Neither is transition. I will find my way at some point. On an up note, I talked to my mom about moving closer to me. She asked me if that is what I wanted and I said absolutely yes! Anyways, my hope is that by the end of next year, we can make it happen. She is one source of my panic. I am afraid of losing her and my sister. So I am hoping that the both of them will be able to move down. Sorry for the fatalistic, crazy diva dump, which is what I've felt like recently. This is hard stuff, it can be situational and very different for everyone. I am just thankful for my family and for the support that I've received here. I love you all and thank you for your love and support. Love and Blessings, Lisa

Emma, I hope that you are okay. I haven't heard from you in a while and miss hearing from you. Love, Lisa

Warren, that sounds great! Awesome news! It's amazing how if the gov't views us the way we are, the way we present and how we want to be, everything just falls into place. Thank you for being so strong and being such a fighter.

Christie, you sound like you are well on your way! I started HRT and feel much better, but it is an adjustment emotionally. If you have any questions or need anyone to talk to, just message me. Even though there are a lot of similarities, all of our lives and stories are unique. Choose your path based on the best information available and have no regrets. You are "who you are" and are "where you are" for good reason.

So far no mood swings but my nipples and breasts are swollen. I started estrogen about a month and a half ago and I cannot believe the change. I will need to start wearing a sports bra when I exercise. It is unbelievable. I have gone up at least one size. My mom and sister are big on top, so I don't know if that applies to me. However the changes have been really quick, so much so it is a little concerning. I went to a water park today and I had people looking at me. My son, who is 6 years old, poked my nipple which hurt and I snapped at him. I think he's noticed as well. The hair on my body has thinned out considerably as well, particularly on my arms. So, I was thinking things would move slow for me, not much would happen. But, it looks like that might not be the case. My wife told a family friend about me, who is the first person at our church that knows. Her husband knows about me now as well. She was extremely supportive. I basically told my wife to tell anyone that she wants or wants to talk to about. Regarding the church that I go to, I was going to tell our pastor about me, however lately the pastor has made negative trans* statements and the leadership in the church anti-gay statements which have been heartbreaking and disappointed over the last two months. I am not a person who is quick to judge, I usually need time to discern. But the more that I think and pray about it, the more heartbroken I am. There is more to this story that I am not saying right now, but I am tired. It has been a long day for me. I hope that everyone is doing well. Love and Blessings, --Lisa

So far no mood swings but my nipples and breasts are swollen. I started estrogen about a month and a half ago and I cannot believe the change. I will need to start wearing a sports bra when I exercise. It is unbelievable. I have gone up at least one size. My mom and sister are big on top, so I don't know if that applies to me. However the changes have been really quick, so much so it is a little concerning. I went to a water park today and I had people looking at me. My son, who is 6 years old, poked my nipple which hurt and I snapped at him. I think he's noticed as well.

My dosage of Estradiol has been increased. I am looking forward to the changes that come with that. So far I've noticed the following changes: - Overall, I am much more calm and patient. Though, because I haven't transitioned yet and feel kind of trapped I get impatient and angry. - I am much more focused. More than I have been my whole life! - Overall, I sleep much better at night. I can sleep 12, 13, 14 hours straight if I really need it. I was totally unable to do that before. Though, lately I have woken up in the middle of the night anxious (like I used to). I have brief periods of fear and anxiety that I am going to lose everything and everyone due to transition. - My sex drive is less. Actually, when I started HRT, the first four weeks, my sex drive dropped to zero, but has bounced back. Still lower. - Physically, the only thing I've noticed is some shrinkage below and my breasts are swollen and a little sore if I press on the nipple. - My appetite is about the same but I get the munchies much less, which has been the killer for me! Hopefully, not TMI. But I wanted to share. I've only been on HRT for two months, but have noticed changes. Mentally, it has been dramatic. Physically, not as much. I would imagine with the increase in estrogen, the pace of change will pick up.

What I think is happening is, Testosterone was the "drug" that motivated me. It caused me to be hypermotivated, over-anxious, over-aggressive. Now that I have been on HRT for a couple of months, there is peace inside of me. I can see things really clearly. But I am more emotional. Things tend to overwhelm me a little more or feel more daunting. And there is anxiety, but for different reasons. The feelings and fear that I am having is losing everything. Though, the periods are brief, I have them every couple of days or so after I wake up in the middle of the night. I mentioned this to my therapist. I definitely feel more vulnerable, even though, nothing has really changed. Other than starting HRT a couple of months ago. That being said, I feel much better on Estrogen. I have more focus now than I've ever had in my whole life. I am much more calm. I didn't realize, yet I suspected, how bad the Testosterone in my body really was.

It has been about a month on hormones, all-in-all things have been going well, better. The meds have had a calming and emotionally stabilizing affect on me. However, self-doubts have crept in. It was particularly difficult this past weekend. Where I feel like I am throwing my life away, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts. And I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason why I am where I am. Things don't happen for an accident. I've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and have been dealing with this my whole life. I was invited to a ladies bible study with mostly transwomen, but have been unable to make it so far due to things that have come up. I hope to make it June 29th, the next time they meet. My wife is still having trouble talking about transition and I still need to talk with my kids. I will most likely say something to them when I travel with them for a week to my mom's this summer. --Lisa

Warren, You need to take your meds. There is nothing professional help can do for you if you do not. If you can leave your room and your house everyday for a while, please do. I feel like there are others around you, in your community, who could benefit from your experience.

Over two weeks on hormones. Had my second laser treatment. Had my sixth electrolysis appoint. Sounds good, doesn't it? Well .... this is a long road I have picked to travel. I feel as though I am in limbo. I have scheduled weekly electrolysis appointments and finally after about 9 weeks, I am getting a little regrowth. Not so much that it is discouraging. I had a long talk with my sister recently about the fact that I was on hormones. The one thing that I keep going back to is that I feel sooo much better. It is amazing. My focus is better. I have much less anxiety and I don't sweat a lot of things as much. It's a process. I am slowing changing. I look forward to those changes, yet I and others around me need to get used to it as well (such as my increasingly long hair). Anyways, I am going to just live, go to my appointments and see what happen. Change is gradual. My hope is that the changes in my body will dictate the clothes I need to wear, etc. We shall see. I recently traveled back to visit with my mom to help her around the house. She has been incredibly supportive. I hope that continues! Anyways, I hope that everyone has been doing well this week. Love, Lisa