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LovelyLisa

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Everything posted by LovelyLisa

  1. Wow. Quite a long post and comments. Wonderful! The core issue is acceptance and understanding. No logical argument can be applied to this. A person just needs to accept a person who is transgender and then seek understanding. That is where things become difficult. If you don't know who you are or where you are going and leave things open ended, a spouse will feel off-balance such that they do not know what to expect or know who you are as person. They will build walls because of lack of emotional trust. What has helped me, is that I always try to determine something concrete, what I know about myself that I can clearly communicate. And for all of the stuff that I don't know, that we will figure it out together. One thing that I have been very clear about these last six months is the following: either I need to figure out ways to cope or I will have to transition. Now, I consider myself, generally a very self-aware person. What I did not realize, but do now is that the anxiety which envelopes you when you can no longer cope is overwhelming. I just went through 3 weeks of hell. It is like getting thrown into the fire. I always thought that my decision to transition would come after careful evaluation and contemplation. It can happen that way, but ultimately the alternative happened in my case. At that point, you just give in. You have no choice. For many of us here who are contemplating transition, just be aware that this can happen. And let your spouses or SO's know that as well. So, that they can face this with you, with their eyes wide open knowing the worst possible outcome. They need to know how serious this really is! I've been through the ringer my entire life, but I had no idea that I would essentially have high anxiety and high blood pressure for 3 weeks. It could have killed me. I almost blacked out driving my car, etc. Bad stuff. Anyways, Emma be brave. I didn't mean to scare you and I hope I helped. It scared me, so I feel scared for everyone else.
  2. Christie, I am so proud of you! You are doing great!
  3. I am fairly early on in the process, but it takes some people a long time to process things, or they just don't know what to say! We can can be intimidating!! Lol! That being said, sounds like an awesome conversation.
  4. So, I had a follow-up appointment this week at Whitman-Walker. My blood tests came back normal, they received my recommendation letter from my therapist. I was prescribed T-blockers will get blood work again in three weeks and then if all goes well, start Estrogen two weeks after that (May 13th). So I have my script and I will pick it up tomorrow. I can't wait to get moving on this! All of the dark hairs did fall out two weeks after the laser. In the meantime, I don't need to wear so much makeup, which is awesome and makes me feel so much better. I had my therapy appointment. A lot of things happened this month that we covered. I am also going to start carrying recommendation and safety letters with me. Recommendation letters are for medical appointments, as needed. The safety letter if I get into a jam, particularly with law enforcement, for some other authority, should I need it (like getting pulled over). We also talked about coming out to my children, my pastor. After two years, my wife still hasn't seen me dressed. That is something I need to work on to set up a time with her to see me. I may just need to surprise her, but that is a last resort. I would rather not do that. I hope that everyone has had a good week. I love all of you! Lisa :)
  5. Unfortunately, the anxiety for me is high each time I leave the house. It feels like I am in crisis mode all of the time until my body gives up at the end of the day. This is a precarious time for me. This is something I need to address immediately.
  6. That was amazing. I would have to say, lately some amazing things have been happening to me as well. People have been going out of their way to be nice and helpful, or just to talk with me. It really has been great.
  7. LovelyLisa

    "True Selves"

    The book basically confirmed for me that I needed to transition. Those sections that you mentioned were the deciding factor for me. I am glad it helped you as well. Always remember that this is your life and your journey. The decision to start transition, for me, really was and has been a "last option". If you do decide to do anything, think about what you want and need and don't let others pressure you in anything. This is about you and your needs. Not some standard or strict definition of gender.
  8. On Tuesday, I went to my appointment to obtain hormones to start HRT at Whitman-Walker based on a recommendation from another trans friend. Thankfully, Whitman-Walker is located in Washington DC, not far from one of the offices where I work. WW provides specialized Transgender healthcare and also provide legal services, which is why I am so glad I live here. I dressed at work and went to my appointment as Lisa. It was my first time on the metro (which is a rail system primarily underground) as me and my first time at WW. But I thought that it was important for me to present as myself and I felt like I shouldn't be getting hormones and transitioning if I didn't do that. Also, they carefully screen everyone seeking hormones to make sure that they are a candidate. They require a letter from a therapist as well. Anyways, everything went well. It was a long appointment, about 2 hours. I filled out several forms before the appointment but they had more screening forms for me to fill out as well. The doctor asked me a lot of questions and said that I was a candidate and prescribed labwork that day. My followup were I get my results (and prescription, hopefully) is scheduled April 21, but I am going to see if I can have that moved up to the 16th to be coincident with my therapy appointment. All in all, the appointment went well, everyone was nice. I had laser on April 2, which went well. I have a followup appointment for electrolysis to address my gray hairs. She is also going to do a "touch up" laser treatment on the hairs that did not release. That appointment is on the 23rd. I am happy to get started. My future is uncertain. But at least I am on a path forward. I still have a lot of anxiety and my blood pressure is elevated, much higher than normal. I lost the ability to cope with this and it's been 3 weeks of feeling like this. I am going to talk to the doctor about some sort of anti-anxiety medication because it is starting to impact not just my well being but also my health. I have been getting a lot of support from several others asking if I wanted someone to come with me to my appointment, etc. It has been nice to know that there are others out there thinking about me. Everyone's support has been wonderful. I hope to pay it forward in the future. Needless to say, with my inability to cope with being a transwoman living a male life, I feel very vulnerable like I am walking on a tightrope with out a net. It feels daunting thinking about what I faced in the past and what I face looking forward. I often feel overwhelmed by anxiety. I hope, at least, I can find a medication to keep this at bay until I can cope again and / or transition. I hope that everyone has had a good week and thank you everyone for your support. Love, Lisa
  9. I guess I'll really need to get better at walking in heels ....
  10. Thank you, ladies!
  11. I've come out to my wife, my mom, my sister and a few friends. Everyone has been extremely supportive. But after the initial shock, I have gotten a lot of questions. Some are really hard to answer, because it's hard to explain a feeling or an inherent need that is totally foreign to someone else. Anyways, after the initial meeting, don't be surprised if you get a lot of questions that you cannot answer or are not prepared to answer. But that's okay. Just take it in stride.
  12. Life is full of surprises. I have always considered myself a fairly self aware person, but I've been surprising myself lately. About three months ago, I told my wife that I thought that I would need to transition. Well, about two weeks ago at my appointment with my therapist, I reminded her of something that I had said at my very first appointment back in November which was wanting to develop new ways to cope with being trans but not having to transition. I was in "crisis" mode at the time, not sure what to do. I was unable to cope with being male, yet was hoping that I could develop other ways to cope. At this last appointment, I started to realize that I have been coping with this for 38 years. I've tried everything to cope and did very successfully for a number of years. But now that is not working. Later that weekend, I read, "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism". About 99% of it applied to me. It spoke to me in ways that helped me understand that I am fighting something that is who I am. So, here is the interesting thing. After I read that book, a flood of memories came back to me, about experiences I had repressed or long ago buried. This caused a flood of emotions over the last two weeks, making it even more difficult to cope. I noticed that dressing no longer helps. I need to transition to living as a female. That weekend, I told my mom and she had a lot of questions and concerns, but she supported me. I told my wife that I needed to get on hormones and start laser / electrolysis. She, understandably, is very upset. Not just by the transition and the change to me and our lives, but she knows that I've been struggling with this and that I've been doing everything that I can do and she is really worried about me. I made appointments to obtain hormones and laser. I had my first laser appointment on April 2 and a follow up appointment on the 23rd. My appointment to obtain hormones is on April 7th at Whitman-Walker. We will see how that goes. Another transwoman I know recommended them and she was able to get in and get on HRT quickly. I started letting my hair grow out, because I thought this would happen. We will see how that goes. I will need to take finasteride as well because my hair is thin on top. Anyways, it looks as though I am beginning a new journey. I will try to post more frequently with updates. I hope that everyone has had a good week and a Good Friday. Thank you for your feedback and continued support. Love and Blessings, --Lisa
  13. My father passed away almost a year ago. About four months later is when I stopped being able to cope with my male side. My wife and my mom asked if me transitioning had anything to do with my father passing. Honestly, it is hard to say. I don't know. I really don't. There are other things that happened in my life that I think had a more direct impact on my decision.
  14. LovelyLisa

    Update

    Last weekend I visited my mom for four days in Ohio. I have been trying to visit her at least once a month or every other month since my father passed away. It had been over two months since my last visit, so it was somewhat overdue. During my last visit, I told her that I thought that I would need to transition. This last visit I told her that I am planning on taking hormones soon and hair removal. She was a little surprised, accepting but trying to understand why I was doing this. One of her first questions was, "are you sure that you really want to do this?" and "have you thought this through?". I told her that I've been thinking about it for my entire life. The other question she asked was "why now?". I told her that I've been coping with this since I was 4 years old, but a lot of the techniques that I use to cope are not working any more or not working well. She also asked me if it was possible that this has something to do with my dad dying, and I told her that it was possible, though I didn't start having a crisis until about 6 months after he passed away. Anyways, it was a good visit. She and my sister both support me. That helps so much! I still need to discuss this with my wife though. I really have not had a chance to talk since I returned home. I hope that I will get a chance today or tomorrow. I think that I am going to schedule my appointment this Monday for the endocrinologist and to start the laser removal. My therapist will send a letter to recommend me for hormones. I am fair skinned, have mostly black hair, so I should do okay. I'll have to get electrolysis to remove the remaining white hairs. I am hopeful that insurance will pay for the endo appointment and the blood tests. I hope that everyone has had a good week. Love, Lisa
  15. Karen, It sounds like you work at a great place. I am happy for you!! --Lisa
  16. LovelyLisa

    Update

    I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I am also traveling out of town to visit my mom in Ohio from DC. I may stop by the Keystone Conference on Thursday and stay the night. I don't know. I would kind of like to see what it is all about. I may register to go for the entire thing next year. Not much has happened in the last two weeks since I have posted, I am still in crisis mode, prone to cry or being depressed. I feel like I am not being me or presenting as I feel I am. It is getting to the point that I think that I need to surrender and start transition, because I can't take it anyone. I so much appreciate being a guy and all of the privileges it brings. But it is also not me. I feel like I am trapped inside. I did buy two books on transition from amazon, one based on a recommendation from Karen (thank you, Karen!). I will let you know how good they are.True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals, The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a Successful Transition. I hope that everyone is hanging in there and having a good week! I have a feeling that there will be some changes for me in the not so distant future. Thank you all for your support. Love, --Lisa
  17. LovelyLisa

    I forgot

    Karen, that is a really wonderful story!
  18. Thank you everyone for the kind words. I am feeling much better now, even though I feel totally wrong about my body. I did update my privacy settings on FB again. I am going to need to get moving on seeing the endocrinologist and hormones. I am also going to need to update my wife. I am sure that this is going to really upset her, even though I told her in January that I was most likely going to need to do this. Wish me blessings (or luck!) Thank you all so very much, Love, Lisa
  19. I have been really feeling vulnerable and as a result emotional. I cried several times today. I've been having a two-fold problem in Facebook. One I have guys constantly wanting me to add them. And then guys messaging me for sex, sex cams, etc. It is ridiculous. Then I have had a few non-trans people make negative comments, either on Facebook or in person. I've been called a freak, man-in-a-dress, dude. It used to never bother me, but I think because I am close to transitioning, it is really bothering me. Also, I've read a lot of articles and I see how a few spoken words by someone prominent in the media can ruin many people's lives. Language can be a powerful thing and we all know that it is easier to tear someone down instead of building them up. An example was Pat Robertson telling his followers not to go to their sons or daughters same sex wedding. Who does something like that? Surely not a man of God. Yet, his followers will hear this as if it came from the heavens themselves. Can you imagine what kind of impact those words will have. I'll bet that hundreds if not thousands of people's lives will be negatively affected because it. It is horrible. And the same thing is true about non-trans folks and their name calling of trans folks. Freak, fag, dude, tranny ... even drag queen. I've been called all of those things (I don't mind drag queen as much though ... but I still correct people). But say that to a 15 year old who is thinking of coming out or transitioning. Think of how horrible that is. Or threats of violence towards trans people. This is the real world that we live in and the consequences. I digress. I've been feeling absolutely terrible to the point of tears because I feel totally wrong right now. And changing it is not going to be easy. Though all of you know that! I also want to mention that a dear friend of the community, Lauren Tenent passed away yesterday. She was the president of TGEA and had an extremely positive impact on everyone. I did not know Lauren very well because I just started engaging again in the community over the last couple of years. However, I remember talking with her back in July at a party for two hours, just getting to know her. She made everyone feel like they mattered and was a wonderful, loving person. Anyways, everyone have a good weekend. Take care. Love, Lisa
  20. LovelyLisa

    Update

    Hello, Sorry I haven't written in a awhile. I've been working a ton, sick some, and trying to enjoy myself as well. I had a situation at work that made me realize that I may not be able to transition at the current job that I have. My manager left the company and there is a little bit of a battle between her and the company which could get a little ugly. Anyways, I ended up being one of the pawns in the fight. Yet at the end of it, I was able to out-fox and out-manuever everyone much more senior than me (without getting into any details). Needless to say, I started to realize that, if I had already transitioned, I don't think I would have been able to do what I did. There are certain privileges that men enjoy. Women who excel, typically have to be so much better than their male counterparts, particularly in a technical environment. So, I will need to put myself in a position that I can do that. Also, I will need to "up-my-game" quite a bit. I am really good at what I do. But I will need to be better, almost perfect. I hate to put that kind of pressure on myself, but I seem to have really good survival instincts. And have a good sixth sense about where I am at. My therapy session last week was good. So much has happened in the last week is a blur that I've forgotten a lot of what we discussed. But, I'm doing better. Not in a rush to transition, but will make a decision soon. I have been giving it a lot of thought what I will need to do. Me being male is an act. Well so will being female. The voice, mannerisms, how I carry myself, etc. Society is so gender binary it drives me nuts. Well everyone have a good week! Hopefully this snow will break at some point. Love, --Lisa
  21. Emma, Great post. Very helpful. One thing that someone told me is that it is not just our transition is our spouse's. They may see themselves as now being with someone who is a woman, and thus a lesbian. The other point your therapist made about gender concerns being identical between men and women, really makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing so much detail. That is such deeply personal information, I know that everyone here appreciates it. And I hope that anyone thinking of going to therapy with someone who specializes in gender issues, reads this post and does it. I've only been going since November, approximately once a month. But it has helped me tremendously. --Lisa
  22. Emma, I'm so happy for you! At some point, I hope to get my wife to go to therapy with me or one on one as well. It's good to hear that it helped you and your relationship with your wife. --Lisa
  23. Unfortunately, there is no logical argument or scientific fact that can be used to substantiate how someone is trans* or goes through this. Thus, there must be acceptance without this. That is hard for a lot of people to do. Yet, if they do not accept us, and do not seek to understand us, we cannot dwell on that.
  24. Karen, I have been reading your posts. And they are wonderful!! They scare me tremendously, but are wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing such personal information. -LIsa
  25. LovelyLisa

    Update

    Ok. So the light bulb finally "went on" today at the second friday support group. A question was asked what was the event that indicated that you needed to transition. Well for me, that hasn't really happened yet (or maybe it has). But I mentioned a little bit about my history; that this was not put upon me by society, it has always been there since I remember. That initially I repressed it, but the last 15 years or so, I've wrapped my identity up in my career and family. It did not seem like I was repressing anything. When my business failed, when I stopped being so career oriented, that is when I started having a crisis with anxiety. And started going to therapy. So that was my answer. And after I spoke those words I realized how much I have f-cked myself up. When I was 6 years old and started to repress my feelings, that is when it started. I did whatever I could to fit in, act male, etc. Don't get me wrong. If I could have lived as a female, I would have been a tomboy who would have played sports with the boys and would not have played dolls with the girls. (don't get me wrong. I liked playing with the girls and socializing with them. Games, TV, reading, just not dolls). However, I would have been feminine, wearing dresses, long hair, etc. It seems like a dichotomy of existence. But think of a top female athlete who is extremely feminine but grew up learning their sport playing with the guys ... that would have been me. Anyways, I started to realize that I will need to unravel all of this social conditioning that society has put on me AND what I've put on myself. I have to unf-ck myself. If I don't do it correctly, I'll just be acting like a female, like I acted being a male. I don't want to pretend anymore. But the reality is, I don't know really what it is to be female, because I missed out on growing up female and pretending to be male. So, deep down, I knew all of this. What I did not know is that because society put this on me, I need to look back and understand how I got off track. Just quickly reflecting, it was when I was 6 years old. But what I need to understand is what is critical that I missed and how I can overcome that in a way that I can transition to living female and do it in a way that it is not an act. I've already made that mistake already. And quite possibly, I may make it again. In previous posts, I've always said that I thought that I was self-aware person and that this crisis really surprised me. Well, I feel like I'm starting to really figure this out. I just hope and pray that I can use this knowledge going forward. Anyways, any feed back will be appreciated. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope I have not put a lot on you!! Love, -Lisa
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