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Chrissy

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Everything posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy

    It's been a while...

    Lookin good
  2. Chrissy

    Goodbye

    Eve, That is the big drawback with voluntary systems, when you're in your 20s you assume you'll never have any problems, so people don't want to contribute. Beyond that it's a matter of rationing - I recall when Bill Clinton was President and he and Hillary were working on their failed health care plan so many people I know would argue that we don't want health care rationed, as if it wasn't already! Obamacare at least improved on that by adding penalties for people who don't join, but I'd still much rather have a single-payer system. Then again I strongly believe that capitalism itself it a complete failure and want to see it scrapped - so I don't see my wish list coming along anytime soon. xoxo Christie
  3. Chrissy

    It's been a while...

    Warren, I agree with all that Monica and Karen said and just want to add one thought about not knowing how much longer you can last without the surgery. I obviously don't know how it feels going through what you're experiencing, but several years ago I was going through something incredibly, incredibly difficult, it drove me to thoughts of suicide on more than one occasion (really more than thoughts - no overt actions, but it felt far too close). In one case a thought occurred to me in the midst of those other thoughts - as long as I'm alive there's some hope that things can get better, if I end it, there's not hope at all. It's a thought that's come back from time to time - it's not the most positive thought, but it was enough to keep me alive. And I certainly hope you keep sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings, if nothing else know that people are listening here! xoxo Christie
  4. Chrissy

    The Taming of Nurse Conway

    Monica, Thanks for that info - though since I live here I probably won't have need for AirBNB xoxo Christie
  5. Chrissy

    "Real Life" experience begins

    I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today). Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will). Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out. My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to World Trade Center, and then walking to work. Journal Square was the real challenge, it's like a bunch of wind tunnels all coming together in one place, so the wind (and rain) comes from all directions at the sam time. Happy to report that my wig stayed perfectly in place :-) I can still work on securing it better, but I seem to have it down sufficiently now. Also happy that I decided to commute in tennis shoes (I brought heels with me). Walking in that weather in heels would have been quite the challenge (and I don't think most women do that, I think wearing other shoes for commuting is pretty common). The surprise yesterday was that at around lunchtime there were a large number of students in the cafeteria (my office is beyond the cafeteria, so I have to go through it to get anywhere). School doesn't start until next week (for 1st year students, the following week for the rest), but apparently there was some pre-first week intensive program going on. So I had an immersion experience. I just kept reminding myself to "do what I need to do" - to not alter what I'm doing to avoid being seen, just go about my regular work day. The unpleasant surprise was the ongoing attention that a person who works at a parking garage along my commute is paying me. As I become more female he seems more interested - I've been clear enough in my lack of interest, but he keeps approaching (mind you I don't walk right by the garage anymore, he's going out of his way). If it happens again I might need to contact his bosses and let them know what's going on (if he's doing it to me he might be doing it to others). Coincidentally a co-worker asked me yesterday if I might be interested in a self-defense course - she's involved with an anti-violence group that organizes classes). I'll probably take her up on that (not that the parking garage guy seems very threatening, but he's seeming increasingly off-balance, which can be dangerous). xoxo Christie
  6. Chrissy

    The Taming of Nurse Conway

    If you're interested in a trans meet-up, there's one that meets at the Stonewall every Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. (then moves across the street to the Monster at around 8:30). We play pool, chat, etc. And if you're here on August 25 you could come see me do drag :-)
  7. Chrissy

    "I am Cait" - episode 3

    I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not. The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her). This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them! This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from. On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-) I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting. On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt). The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it. I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism. There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives. That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution. Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown). They also had an interesting conversation about voices. Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that. Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there." I really liked that comment. And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says. Anyway - time to work now :-) xoxo Christie Here's a picture from work today...
  8. Chrissy

    "I am Cait" - episode 3

    Thank you so much Steph So far everyone at work has been really great in fact! The school started it off well by sending an email around reminding everyone about our non-discrimination policy (which includes gender identity and gender expression). But I doubt that was even needed, people here tend to be really nice.
  9. Chrissy

    "I am Cait" - episode 3

    Merci :-) It's a bit washed out from the overhead lighting, I have a bit more color in my face than that
  10. Chrissy

    Shopping and Setting Goals

    Roxanne, Overcoming shopping anxiety is a great feeling! I recall the first times I went and bought women's clothing and how uncomfortable I felt doing it. Now I go to Kohl's and don't give it a second thought - it helps that i have never once gotten any kind of comment about it from the cashiers ("oh, are you buying this for your wife?" etc.) I very strongly suspect that a lot of stores make it a policy that their cashiers not make any kind of comment like that. If you have Payless shoes in your area you might try that, I've found them to have the best selection in larger sizes (i'm an 11 or 12, depending on the brand). They're also nice in that they group the shoes by size. xoxo Christie
  11. Chrissy

    Next week...my next "challenge"

    One purpose of this entry is to "back myself into a corner" - by publicly stating a goal i'll hopefully feel more pressure to do it Next week at work I plan to (1) start wearing my wig, and (2) wear a skirt at least a couple of days. Below are a couple of pics from today - i didn't do makeup today, i'll do that tomorrow and post another
  12. Chrissy

    Next week...my next "challenge"

    I did it! I'm now at work, in wig and full dress (not a dress, just full dress). These are the kinds of things that make you so much more aware of every interaction you have with people. So far I haven't even noticed any strange looks, so perhaps I pulled it off. I'm going to meet with our Marketing Director later this morning, I asked her yesterday if she could give me some feedback (she's a big make-up person). Today is the first time also that I'm wearing foundation and contouring (to work that is). I might also ask her to take a pic for me :-)
  13. Chrissy

    Next week...my next "challenge"

    Merci i'm not very good at selfies yet - years of not wanting pictures of me
  14. Chrissy

    Summer

    Lisa, So happy that things are looking up for you good luck with your follow-up appointment! My first follow-up will be in september. Xoxo Christie
  15. Chrissy

    Next week...my next "challenge"

    Monica, It often works! And there are times when it doesn't but for some valid reason. Here are some pics today, with make-up
  16. Chrissy

    The Taming of Nurse Conway

    Charli, Your pictures are really nice, you have a good eye for photography! As for "I am cait," I watched episode 2 and was generally happy with it - with a couple of reservations - but I won't risk spoiling it for you Xoxo Christie
  17. Chrissy

    HRT - yesterday!

    Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME! I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph. The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription. It didn't, he gave that to me anyway. So delay averted. He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen. But he's a man, so what does he know. I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight. That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement. I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.
  18. Chrissy

    Really???

    I really hope that the estrogen resolves my gluten-intolerance. I know it's unlikely, but I can hope (I want real pizza!!!) Eve, absolutely nobody is asking you to shut up forever - or at all!!! What it all comes down to for me - and this isn't just wardrobe, but across all aspects of my life - is being authentically me. Now since I'm a woman, that means being a woman, but I try not to be driven by that thought. (that seriously made sense in my head, but writing it out it suddenly doesn't - but i'll leave it in case it means something to anyone else). And I think I'm in agreement with everyone on one major angle of all of this - to the extent that someone is dressing a particular way because they want to look like a 20-something girl (assuming they're not), then that's something to be raised in therapy. That's a case where the person is probably not being their authentic self. Similarly, as Eve mentioned, if you're trying to look like what your male self thought a woman should look like, you're probably not being authentic to yourself (sorry for the endless "probably's," I try to avoid absolute statements). I should probably (ahh! there it is again!) add that my wardrobe is, in fact, fairly conservative. It's more colorful than my male wardrobe was (a good amount of pink), but still what most people would probably identify as moderate to conservative. Ann Taylor is my goal store If anything I can imagine my wardrobe getting a little more vibrant as my body starts to "look right" (I do own leather mini-skirts, but I've only ever worn them doing drag - and I don't so much care for boots of any height, I like shoes that are easier to take off) xoxo Christie
  19. Chrissy

    HRT - tomorrow!

    I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment! This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s). In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it. My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that. She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem. That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear. She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism. So again, hopefully that's true :-) As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing. Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away. One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day. As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look. This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look. Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case. A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror. It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself! 22 1/2 hours to go :-) xoxo Christie
  20. Chrissy

    HRT - tomorrow!

    Well here we are - "the day." I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I tried to go to bed early to go to the gym in the morning, and I felt tired, but as soon as I turned off the light I was wide awake :-) I decided fairly quickly to abandon the idea of the gym (it was just putting more pressure on me to get to sleep), and I got up, took a unisom, and then laid on the couch with the TV on. I probably fell asleep a half hour later. I think that knowing that today was the day suddenly made it all so very real - and I'm still totally excited about it, but as Karen pointed out, anxiety is natural. You can't know going in just what changes will happen, but things will happen! Developing breasts, reducing penis and sex drive, smoother skin, losing body hair - and those are just the physical! Well anyway, I'm at work now, so I just have to try to focus on that until about 2:00 (5 hours!!!!!!!) xoxo Christie
  21. Chrissy

    Really???

    Karen, I agree about relaxing at home. From the start I've pretty much done that, although I still consider it "dressing as a woman" (there's nothing I wear now that isn't female). But it does tend to be comfortable shorts and a t-shirt or tank top at home (I also have virtually no visitors, so being ready for an unexpected guest isn't really an issue). Up until now I definitely have tried to dress more feminine, in large part because it expresses who I am, and because I hadn't been doing that for SO long. It's also a way of counteracting the still-present male gender cues that I suffer from (yes, "suffer"). I'm guessing that once hormones start kicking in, and once electrolysis gets far enough along (and certainly after breast augmentation), my wardrobe choices might change (though they might not). In general I just try to dress the way I want :-) I think one important distinction might be in your phrase about blending in with women in your area. Having grown up in suburban New Jersey, and lived in North Carolina for 5 years, and now in the NYC area (between NYC and Jersey City) one thing I noticed is that in NYC fashions are all over the map, so "blending in" isn't really possible. By contrast there was a little more in common in how women dressed in NJ and NC. Although I'm absolutely not critical of anyone who makes this choice, the thought of "blending in" or "fitting in" makes me a cringe a little. Again, just personally it's not something I'd want to do. Perhaps it's because I'm still fairly early in transition and it makes me think of years of trying to fit in in the wrong gender :-) I try to use "being authentic" as my motivation in all areas, including wardrobe. xoxo Christie
  22. Chrissy

    Funny how a panic attack can sneak up on you....

    Roxanne, That sounds frightening! I hope everything is ok now. xoxo Christie
  23. Chrissy

    Now for something non-Cait

    Hello all, This past weekend I spent a lot of time out at the National Tennis Center in Queens, NY (where the US Open is played). The LGBT tennis group I belong to was hosting the Atlantic Cup (which is a team competition between our group and groups from Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC). Although a shoulder injury keeps me from playing right now I went out to help and to stay in contact with the group (I've been a member for about 4 years, there are so many wonderful people there!). I experienced 2, and then a 3rd group of people with respect to my "new" identity. Most of the members of my group already knew about my transition, so those people were just seeing me for the first time as Christie. Then there were the players from the other cities who never knew me at all, so those people were meeting me as Christie - I especially enjoyed that. Then there was the group (of 2 people) I hadn't thought about - a couple of members of our group who didn't know. When one of them arrived he addressed me as [insert birth name here], and I realized that I needed to correct that. It was fairly simple, I just hadn't thought about it happening (especially as this was on Sunday, so I had already been around there for a day +). Everyone in the tennis group has been really great about it - as were all of the people from the other cities (and I know I'm not fully "passable," so many of them must have figured out that I was trans without being told). As far as my transition, well I have my endocrinologist appointment later this week, so I'm quite excited about that :-) I'm holding off on any decision or action about a wig. I need to let electrolysis move along a little further, and give hormones a chance to start making physical changes. In the meantime I'll continue working with my natural hair to see what I can do with it. I will occasionally wear the wig out socially, I just won't "pull the trigger" on wearing it to work just yet. I did reach out to one surgeon via email - I explained that it was very early but that I wanted to get some basic information, especially about timing, so that if and when the time comes that I decide I'm ready for surgery I'll have an idea of what to do. The one I contacted was the only one in NYC listed as doing all FTM surgeries. Well, it turns out his maximum price for SRS is $60,000. That, together with the fact that he only does that surgery in Los Angeles, pretty much makes him a non-starter for me. On Thursday I'm planning to ask the endocrinologist if he has an recommendations. xoxo Christie
  24. Chrissy

    Now for something non-Cait

    Monica, His NY office is indeed Manhattan - Park Avenue in fact. And the LA office is Beverly Hills. So I suppose I should have expected that he wouldn't be within my budget :-) I only started with him because he's the only doctor I could find listed in NYC as doing GRS. Fortunately there are also a few in Pennsylvania and that would be fairly convenient as well. Chrisite
  25. Chrissy

    Now for something non-Cait

    That's correct - it was "maximum" of course, but I doubt the minimum is low enough either
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