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Chrissy

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Everything posted by Chrissy

  1. Emma, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It's horrible to be confronted like that in any situation, but especially in a group therapy session that should be supportive. I hope Susan can do something to resolve it in a fully satisfactory way. Personally, I can certainly understand the desire to understand why Pamela did what she did, but it might just lead to greater frustration since you can never be sure unless she tells you. If she's already prone to be like that it might have been made worse by something going on in her life. I don't mean to suggest that as an excuse, it's not, but a possible explanation. I think the most important thing to remember is that whatever it was, it was on her and you shouldn't internalize it (and believe me, I know that's easier said than done, i'be let myself feel hurt over far less incidemts). At least you have this space as an alternate venue, certainly not a substitute for in person meetings, but it's somewhere to turn. XOXO Christie
  2. Chrissy

    "True Selves"

    Hi all, I heard about this book in several blogs and/or forums last week as I was catching up, and I immediately purchased it. I've gotten about a quarter of the way through it (I picked up the pace considerably when I decided to read it during my commute, which is when I do most of my reading). I just finished the section on childhood years and it's already had a substantial impact on my thinking. In terms of being transsexual I would probably say that I'm not, but as I read more I become less and less convinced of that. I'd still say probably not, but the book is definitely making me think more. There were just so many examples they discuss of how children respond to being transgender that resonated with me (if it had just been a couple it might have been coincidence, but it was more). So to anyone and everyone who mentioned the book - thank you! xoxo Christie
  3. Chrissy

    Female talk

    I'm with Emma, I can't imagine ever talking with either of my parents about sex, but then I grew up in a VERY waspy family, nothing emotional or physical was ever discussed.
  4. Chrissy

    cloudy day

    Emma and Veronica, Thank you both so much for your kind feedback The clouds seemed to have passed right now. I wasn't that sure this morning, but I got up and went to the gym and now feel ok (it helped that I got my latest Kohl's order yesterday, which included some cute new gym clothes). So ironically my cloudy day has passed just as an actual cloudy day has descended. xoxo Christie
  5. Chrissy

    cloudy day

    Hi all, After a very affirmative weekend I'm feeling a little "overcast." It's certainly fueled in part by other things going on in my life (i'm sure I mentioned in another entry that I have a job that I often hate), but it's drifting over here. I know there are some people on here who are around my age (i'm 48, 49 in july), so i'm hoping somebody might have some words of encouragement if they'very felt this way. I'very been thinking back about my childhood a lot recently, thinking about early indicators of being transgender, and while it's been useful in that sense, I also can't help but wonder who I could have been - and who I never will be - because I couldn't be free to be myself back then. I know that living with regret is useless, but sometimes I feel completely powerless against it. I hope that when this passes (and I do know that it will), I can channel the feeling sonehow, maybe do something to help the next generation more so that they can live the fullest lives that they can. But for now I just wonder why I couldn't. That's all I have on this for now - thank you for listening Xoxo Christie
  6. Thank you everyone for the comments! It did go very well on Saturday, in fact we probably only talked about it a few minutes since it really didn't come as a surprise to her (we talked longer about "Star Trek," having not previously known of each other's love of the franchise). The more interesting part of the conversation to me ended up being about dating. I haven't dated anyone in quite awhile, but feel more motivated and more confident to pursue that area of my life now that I'm starting to be more honest with myself about who I am. Since I was trying to be something else, obviously the people I tried to date weren't really right for me - hopefully now I can do a better job of it Eve, I agree with your prediction about my wardrobe - the only things I've purchased recently are women's clothing, the only thing that currently keeps me from scrapping everything else is money. But I'll be replacing everything over time!
  7. Chrissy

    Can I help

    That's wonderful Karen! I hadn't thought about it before but i'm going to look for volunteer opportunities like that near me
  8. Lisa, Thank you for the feedback! With this particular friend I expected it to go fairly easily, and it did. We have a long history of being very open and supportive of each other. Fortunately I have several friends in that category, it's if and when I get to family that things might get trickier. Both of my parents passed away, so it's mainly my brother and sister, neither of whom is terribly enlightened. i'm sure i'll go much further on my own journey before I discuss it with them. Xoxo Christie
  9. Chrissy

    Transitioning ...

    Lisa, That's great that you're taking steps, and that your mom is supportive. Good luck on your journey, I look forward to reading more updates! Christie
  10. Emma, Your timing was perfect, I read this right before I met with my friend It went very well, it was nice to hear myself say the words!
  11. I agree with Emma's comment on labels, they're helpful in communicating with each other and otherwise harmless until people start making broad and incorrect assumptions based on them.
  12. Chrissy

    Background....

    Big fan of purple as well :)
  13. So, I asked a friend (cis-woman) if we could do lunch on Saturday - just said for now there was something I wanted to talk about. I plan to "come out" to her as transgender. It feels a little anti-climactic, after all she already knows I cross-dress and not for fetish reasons. But, outside of my therapist she will be the first person to whom (yes, i'm trying to keep "whom" alive!) I will have self-identified as trans. To me I think the big thing, besides actually saying it out loud, is thinking about how to explain what it means in my life. She won't be judgmental at all, she's awesome and totally supportive of pretty much everything, but it is a conversation and I'm sure she'll ask follow-up questions. Luckily i'm off work tomorrow, so I have time to think On another front, I fully merged my wardrobe tonight - I no longer own "mens" clothes and "womens" clothes, I just own "my" clothes. Hope all of the Christians out there have a lovely Good Friday, and happy Passover to all Jewish members! And a belated Blessed Ostara to any other Wiccans in the room!
  14. That's awesome! My only experience like that was when cross-dressed and having a man on the train say to his daughter, who was going to take my seat when we got to my stop, "wait til the lady gets up." Great feeling. (And my birth name was also Steve...parents made it easier for me to transition by making my middle name Christie) have a great weekend!
  15. Chrissy

    Background....

    I've been wanting to do this for my own purposes anyway, but since I have a blog now I should use it! In exploring my gender I've thought a lot about the past and anything that might have been an indicator of what I really was (am!). The earliest item is my very first best friend (only friend for awhile) - Missy (totally ironic that I now use that name for my drag name). I'm not even sure when we became friends, we were both younger than 5 years old though. She lived down the street from me, so to some extent it was convenience, we were the only people close to each other in age - she had a brother and sister who were both substantially older, I have a brother and sister who are older, but they lined up with other kids in the area who were around their age. Convenience wasn't everything though, we were very close and stayed close friends well into elementary school, even after both of us had met other people and could "travel" to play if we wanted. Our usual play routine involved things that I think would be typically seen as "girls" - basically "playing house" with various Fisher Price toys. I had a G.I. Joe, but it wasn't my choice, I would have preferred a Barbie (she had much better accessories!), and in my hands Joe didn't do the things that he would normally have done (he never went to war). Sadly we did drift apart - it was around the age when it was "wrong" to have friends of the other sex/gender (girls had cooties after all). I didn't have any close female friends through the rest of elementary school or high school - but I was friendly with more girls than boys (in hindsight I can see that they no doubt saw me as non-threatening, so it was easier to get closer). These weren't good years (for multiple reasons that probably had nothing to do with gender). After that I started having more female friends, and a wife. We ostensibly divorced when I came out as gay, but I can see things from the time of being married that suggested otherwise. One fairly substantial thing is that when it came to decorating the more "female" touches were generally my suggestion! I like pink, I like it anywhere that it looks good, which is pretty much anywhere (for example, I was very excited when I found that I could make this all pink! Hopefully it doesn't make it hard to read). To put an even finer point on it, we didn't paint our living room pink, we painted it "dusty rose." My choice. I'm sure I tried to keep some check on it, but not with complete success. Later on I would ascribe that to being gay, but now... Since then I've pretty much always had at least one very close female friend. Again I would have typically said that it was because I'm gay - but I honestly don't know many of my gay friends who routinely have female friends, they tend to stay more to themselves (I'm also not denying the possibility that both sexuality and gender play a role in this). I'll save the more recent indicators for later xoxo Christie
  16. "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." Eleanor Roosevelt

    1. Emma

      Emma

      Christie, that's a wonderful quote! It really mirrors my transgender journey. I'm adding it to my signature.

    2. MonicaPz

      MonicaPz

      Eleanor Roosevelt is one of my heroes!

  17. Oops, I meant to include a specific example of a question that gave me something to think about - it was recent, a quiz about Gender Reassignment Surgery - I won't try to quote the question exactly, but the thought process that it prompted for me was basically "if there were absolutely no downsides or difficulties in doing it, would you?" Of course there are downsides and difficulties, but I think it's a good starting point (it really works in many areas of life - "if there was nothing to fear, would you do it?"). But I agree, for me they're mostly just fun - and an occasional diversion from a job that I often hate. Adding to their deficiencies is that I'm pretty good at "putting my thumb on the scale" to get the answer I want (though again, that can be telling in itself). I do currently see a therapist, and put much more stock in him :-)
  18. I agree, it's helpful but I know it won't resolve everything for me (as much as I love spreadsheets!). A quick reading of it suggests that I'm somewhere between Types III and IV - but a year ago I probably would have said I and II - so the evolution continues! I find something similar with the various on-line quizzes - none can or should be taken too seriously, but occasionally they'll throw in a question which in itself gives me something to think about.
  19. Emma, Definitely go for it with the shoes! I kind of do that, I wear a lot of women's shoes, but they're running shoes, so it may or may not be obvious (I might also be skewed in terms of knowing what "obvious" is). I get a lot of my shoes at Payless, they have an excellent selection in my size (11). I think my next challenge is at the gym - I have several pairs of yoga pants, and pink work-out top that I want to wear there. I go very early, so it's minimal exposure, but a start. xoxo Christie
  20. Hi everyone, So I just recently discovered this site, and since my transition is still relatively new I thought a blog would be a good idea - to keep track of things for myself and see what others might have to offer I guess I'll use this entry for a little background. My transition began in earnest about a year and a half ago (it was sometime in the summer of 2013). I started with cross-dressing and discovered quickly that every time I took a step thinking it was for reason "A" it turned out it was really for reason "B." With cross-dressing, I thought I was doing it for sexual/fetish reasons, but very quickly realized that wasn't my reason at all. The first bit of evidence that I recall is that the first time I shopped for clothes (on Venus.com) I went in thinking I was looking for "hook-up" clothing - when my order arrived a few days later I found that I hadn't ordered anything like that at all - what I got was arguably cute and flirty, but not hook-up. So that called into question my reason for cross-dressing. Even then, it seemed like cross-dressing was just it's own thing - I started doing it at home, and then eventually got up the guts to get dressed at home and actually go out! But still, at that point when I was a boy I was a boy, when I was a girl, I was a girl. The first break in that was my JLo bag from Kohl's (my favorite brand/store combo!). I bought it for cross-dressing as I needed a bigger bag so that I could carry a change of shoes. But almost immediately I started using it every day, boy or girl. Not the boldest, most obvious "statement," but it was a start, it was the first item of clothing/accessory that I used either way. Now I'm at point where I'm "feminizing" as much as possible - but it's really my thought process that's become more important. I'm hung up a bit on the question of what this - what being transgender - means to me? More later - thanks for reading!!!!
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