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Chrissy

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Everything posted by Chrissy

  1. Ren, I read the first couple of entries for now, will read the rest later, but I wanted to say how encouraging it is to see how well you seem to understand and examine the things that trouble you ("trouble" seems insufficient, bit it's all I can think of at the moment). There's still no doubt a long journey ahead, but understanding where you are starting from is a vital first step. For so long I knew something was wrong, very wrong, but couldn't identify it, or worse, I misidentified it. Stay strong! And please keep sharing xoxo Christie
  2. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    SPeaking of 2 identities (from your first comment Eve), I really can't wait until my legal name change goes through, it will remove the last bits of confusion over which name I need to or should use. Obviously with doctors I still need to use my old name, although most of them put Christie in the file. Today I bought a futon and realized it was easier to just use my old name, as that's the name on the credit card and this was a one-time interaction (though after the fact I realized that it might have seemed odd to him that I look like I do and have a very male name). It'll be nice when I'm legally Christie and have all my documents in order :-)
  3. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    It's interesting, I was thinking before that I should try to see if I can climax - the interest has been so non-existent I haven't even tried, but I do want to see if the functioning is there or not.
  4. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    Hi everyone, I've now been on HRT for 3 weeks - I know the dosage started low, so my expectations of seeing "drastic" changes was set accordingly. Having said that, these are the things I've observed (or think I've observed) so far: (1) Sex drive - this has definitely flat-lined at this point, and it's been the case for over a week now. Attractions are still there, but desire to act on them is non-existent. Masturbation has also gone away entirely (which frees up a good amount of time on the weekends!) I'm sure this is just an adjustment and will come back, but it's the one impact I can say has definitely happened. (2) Skin - I'm less positive about this, but I think my skin may be smoothing out. I first noticed this last weekend, I was sitting watching TV and randomly put my hand on my leg and it felt different, softer and smoother. Now I also think it's happening on my arms (3) Voice - this one i'm almost positive isn't real, but I want to track everything - one of my supervisors said that she thinks my voice is sounding more feminine. I did explain that as far as I know HRT shouldn't have any impact on my voice, but who knows. (4) Appetite - hard to be specific about this one, but I've noticed subtle changes in my appetite, both in terms of how much I eat (less) and what I eat (better) (5) Emotional state - this is subtle, but I think present. I feel like I have now left behind the nagging (and depression inducing) question of "who am I?" or "who am I supposed to be?", and now my focus is on "what do I want to do?" and "how do I want to spend my time?" - questions that have always been present, but harder to address back when I was spending so much time and effort faking who I was. It almost seems silly now to think that I could have known what I wanted from my life when I was trying to convince everyone (including me) that I was a gay man. xoxo Christie
  5. Chrissy

    Work ID

    Stephanie, You're thinking of Reminder Rabbit! :-) (great, now I want to get a stuffed rabbit) Christie
  6. Chrissy

    Work ID

    My furry friend is "motivation monkey" :-) She's a visual reminder to keep doing the things I know I want/need to do (I really just bought her at a time when I thought that would be helpful, so I figured I'd give her the job)
  7. Chrissy

    Work ID

    So today I almost got kept out from going back to work from lunch!!! Ok not really. But! We have ID cards to get into the building - mine hasn't been updated yet re my name and picture (for no apparent reason I was waiting until my legal name change went through, but HR confirmed I don't need to). When we scan into the building our pic comes up on a computer monitor at the security post near the entrance. Usually this doesn't matter as I know all of the security people so I doubt they even look at the screen. Today after lunch I entered through a side door where there was just one, new security guard. AS I waited fot the nearby elevator I saw that he kept looking between the screen and me, looking confused I don't know what he would have done, a maintenance person I know happened along right then and stared chatting with me, confirming I work there. (Pretty sure I could have convinced him if I had to) Anyhow, tomorrow morning i'm going to get a new card with corrected name and picture
  8. Eve, It's so nice to pass another "test"! I feel like i'm still hitting then on a daily basis - today it was a shopping mall near me. Every day going out as authentic me still feels hard, but every day also seems to have new rewards for doing just that xoxo Christie
  9. I started a list a few weeks ago so that i'll be ready when my name change is final - i add things to it almost daily. I don't even want to think about how long it will take to actually do the changes (I am prioritizing the list of course, and can't wait to start!)
  10. Eve, I'm not sure how much I believe in female intuition per se, but I think that transitioning, and as a result being more comfortable and more in touch with oneself might lead to a similar phenomenon. Put the other way, it's hard to be intuitive when you're trying to pass yourself off as someone you're not, that takes a lot of energy xoxo Christie
  11. I can't imagine anyone being annoyed - so glad you're sticking around
  12. Then it was good you missed this episode! There were 2 of them - it didn't bother me, I really haven't been exposed to them much (at all), and at least in the small dose of this episode they were both tolerable
  13. Happy Monday everyone! I'm continuing to watch and enjoy "I am Cait," both for watching her personal journey but also because it has managed to be a pretty informative show. Yesterday featured a particularly strange mix - Kate Bornstein and Kim Kardashian appearing in the same TV show (not at the same time, not sure how that would have worked out). Kate's appearance, to me, built on the good feeling I get about the show from the fact that Jenny Boylan has appeared on it (and I think will again?) One of the more poignant moments was Kate B. asking Cait J. how she was handling the "freak factor." The fact that so many people in the world see us as freaks. Caitlyn seemed a bit at a loss, responding that what she hoped they were doing there was trying to make it more normal - to which Kate replied that that was because she didn't like the idea of being a freak. This was juxtaposed with a later scene in which parents of trans kids compared it to living with a unicorn (I can't give more detail, but it was a very positive statement). In my own experience both positions exist in the world, over time the "unicorn" view should win out! I did wonder later if Caitlyn actually understands the "freak factor" at all. After all she is in her bubble - she doesn't really have to be exposed to anyone she doesn't want to be (vs. others who have to live lives out in the world). That's not a criticism, but I hope she takes what Kate B. said and works with it over the course of the show. I was a little distressed by people on twitter bemoaning the fact that there are occasionally Kardashians on the show - it would be pretty sad if Caitlyn excluded them, seeing as they are her family! And I think Kim and Chloe both played good roles last night in terms of bringing some valid issues to Caitlyn's attention (we're not the only ones who have to deal with our transition - even if it is our journey). The only thing I'd like to say to Caitlyn with respect to her family communication is to stop telling them "not to go there"! Communication has to be open (in my limited conversations with my sister, I may have thought those kinds of things, but I keep them to myself for now, giving her some time). *** It's shoulder surgery for me tomorrow morning :-( Hopefully that will get me back to the tennis courts soon! (won't be too soon, at least a couple of months of rehab most likely). I'm also going to a friend's birthday gathering this Thursday night (depending on how I'm doing after surgery). If so, this will be the first time going to a "straight" bar in full woman presentation! On the work front, this is "First Week" at school, so incoming students start classes today, which means the school will be much busier than it has been. The students I work directly with are 2nd and 3rd year, so they won't be around until next week. So now I get to see how it feels to be at a busy school :-) (they did create a gender neutral restroom last week - though I'm now comfortable enough using the women's room - the idea behind the gender neutral restroom is more about a place for anyone who might be uncomfortable sharing a restroom with a trans person). xoxo Christie
  14. Thank you all for your feedback Today I even ventured to my local grocery store, got a nice compliment from my favorite cashier! (She was my favorite before that) Eve, here's a pic of the band
  15. Chrissy

    Goodbye

    Eve, That is the big drawback with voluntary systems, when you're in your 20s you assume you'll never have any problems, so people don't want to contribute. Beyond that it's a matter of rationing - I recall when Bill Clinton was President and he and Hillary were working on their failed health care plan so many people I know would argue that we don't want health care rationed, as if it wasn't already! Obamacare at least improved on that by adding penalties for people who don't join, but I'd still much rather have a single-payer system. Then again I strongly believe that capitalism itself it a complete failure and want to see it scrapped - so I don't see my wish list coming along anytime soon. xoxo Christie
  16. Good morning everyone, I've now finished just over a week on HRT, and a full business week with my "Real Life Test." There's nothing really to report on the HRT front, which isn't surprising. I did start a "chart" that I put on my bulletin board so that each week I can write down what, if any, changes I noticed. This week the only possible change was reduced libido - though I can't say that with 100% certainty yet. The "real life test" is another story. I broke through and wore my wig, along with breast inserts, to work and pretty much everywhere this week. This morning I had an appointment with a surgeon (about my shoulder) and for a moment I considered not wearing it there, but then decided that this is either full-time or it's not, I can't pick and choose. So I did it, and it went well. I did have to use my old name for insurance reasons, but they picked up on my transition quickly and added "Christie" to their records (the doctor needs a second to catch up - when he took me to his assistant to schedule surgery he alternated between "Miss Cunningham" and "he" - but that's fine :-) The only time I can see being out and not wearing the wig is to the gym - that may come as well, but for now I won't just because I don't know how wearing a wig on a treadmill would go :-) One pleasant discovery was a different type of band for holding the wig on. It's a band that goes around your hairline and fastens with velcro, and the wig holds on to that. Far more comfortable than pins, and so far it seems quite secure. Otherwise to make sure I keep moving forward I just remind myself to "do what I do" - meaning, don't deviate from what I would have otherwise done in order to avoid anyone seeing me with the wig on. I also went by the LGBT Center this week and got signed-up for their Transgender Resources "system." I have an intake scheduled in a few weeks so that I can hopefully join a closed support group (the drop-in one that happens the 1st Wednesday of each month has been a disappointment to me so far). They're also looking into places where I can donate clothing :-) xoxo Christie
  17. Warren, I agree with all that Monica and Karen said and just want to add one thought about not knowing how much longer you can last without the surgery. I obviously don't know how it feels going through what you're experiencing, but several years ago I was going through something incredibly, incredibly difficult, it drove me to thoughts of suicide on more than one occasion (really more than thoughts - no overt actions, but it felt far too close). In one case a thought occurred to me in the midst of those other thoughts - as long as I'm alive there's some hope that things can get better, if I end it, there's not hope at all. It's a thought that's come back from time to time - it's not the most positive thought, but it was enough to keep me alive. And I certainly hope you keep sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings, if nothing else know that people are listening here! xoxo Christie
  18. Monica, Thanks for that info - though since I live here I probably won't have need for AirBNB xoxo Christie
  19. I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today). Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will). Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out. My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to World Trade Center, and then walking to work. Journal Square was the real challenge, it's like a bunch of wind tunnels all coming together in one place, so the wind (and rain) comes from all directions at the sam time. Happy to report that my wig stayed perfectly in place :-) I can still work on securing it better, but I seem to have it down sufficiently now. Also happy that I decided to commute in tennis shoes (I brought heels with me). Walking in that weather in heels would have been quite the challenge (and I don't think most women do that, I think wearing other shoes for commuting is pretty common). The surprise yesterday was that at around lunchtime there were a large number of students in the cafeteria (my office is beyond the cafeteria, so I have to go through it to get anywhere). School doesn't start until next week (for 1st year students, the following week for the rest), but apparently there was some pre-first week intensive program going on. So I had an immersion experience. I just kept reminding myself to "do what I need to do" - to not alter what I'm doing to avoid being seen, just go about my regular work day. The unpleasant surprise was the ongoing attention that a person who works at a parking garage along my commute is paying me. As I become more female he seems more interested - I've been clear enough in my lack of interest, but he keeps approaching (mind you I don't walk right by the garage anymore, he's going out of his way). If it happens again I might need to contact his bosses and let them know what's going on (if he's doing it to me he might be doing it to others). Coincidentally a co-worker asked me yesterday if I might be interested in a self-defense course - she's involved with an anti-violence group that organizes classes). I'll probably take her up on that (not that the parking garage guy seems very threatening, but he's seeming increasingly off-balance, which can be dangerous). xoxo Christie
  20. If you're interested in a trans meet-up, there's one that meets at the Stonewall every Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. (then moves across the street to the Monster at around 8:30). We play pool, chat, etc. And if you're here on August 25 you could come see me do drag :-)
  21. Thank you so much Steph So far everyone at work has been really great in fact! The school started it off well by sending an email around reminding everyone about our non-discrimination policy (which includes gender identity and gender expression). But I doubt that was even needed, people here tend to be really nice.
  22. Merci :-) It's a bit washed out from the overhead lighting, I have a bit more color in my face than that
  23. I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not. The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her). This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them! This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from. On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-) I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting. On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt). The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it. I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism. There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives. That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution. Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown). They also had an interesting conversation about voices. Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that. Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there." I really liked that comment. And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says. Anyway - time to work now :-) xoxo Christie Here's a picture from work today...
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