Chrissy

Ohhhhh No, she just often looks that way

Eve, My friends understand Christie

Bonjour toute le monde! As it's passed midnight it's now officially my birthday - 49 years old today (really at 12:39 pm). In prior years i've swung between not wanting to think about it being my birthday, to putting too much emphasis and really wanting to celebrate (which never worked our as planned). This year I feel content with doing whatever comes up and otherwise doing some introspection and planning. I might go down to the shore (the "beach" for those of you not from New Jersey). I went out on Tuesday night in my new wig, a "test run" if you will. I was really happy with how it looked, I just need to learn how to secure it better. I probably won't start wearing it full time until i'm further along with electrolysis. this next thing is pretty intangible, and u think much of my introspection/planning today will be on this point - this is partly about presentation, but I also know that I need to stop thinking about "becoming" a woman and instead recognize that I am a woman and living as such. I noticed on tuesday and on the train tonight that I no longer feel connected to gay men. Not that i'm ditching all of my relationships, but I don't feel connected to the "community" anymore, which makes me want to feel more connected to the straight (or bi) woman "community." Whatever all that means Here's a picture from tuesday, i'm on the left

Warren, I really enjoyed both videos, and the new scenery I'm a big fan of rivers, there are several spots along the Hudson that serve as "quiet places" for me (even if I'm sharing them with 100s of people - it's New York, you get used to that). The timing of your video on pansexualism was especially opportune. I happened to be thinking about that as I was walking here earlier (I'm not sure why exactly). Specifically I started to wonder what the specific difference was between being bisexual and being pansexual. I'm not questioning whether it exists, just curious about the definitions and how they differ, so your video was quite helpful (and made me start to think that I'm pansexual, and that I still live too much with a binary view of the world). xoxo Christie

Hi everyone, Happy Thursday! Happy for me because starting tomorrow I'm on vacation for a week. I'm sure I'll be checking in here during that time, but probably not doing any blogging. In an earlier post I mentioned how I was aiming for July 27 as the day that I would officially start presenting as a woman. My last post altered that course a bit, so I'm going to see now what exactly I'm doing. I'm certainly going to keep playing with make-up and other things, but the difference between today and July 27 might not physically be all that great, mentally on the other hand, I think it will be huge. My birthday is coming up next Thursday - my first birthday living authentically as me! xoxo Christie

Karen, Wonderful advice! I'm fortunate to have a very strong support system, in terms of friends, co-workers, and medical professionals (family not so much - my cousin and his husband are supportive, but not really anyone else so far, though there's been no open hostility - fortunately I didn't have the closest family relations anyway). My doctor, in fact, when I told him initially the very first thing he asked about was my support system - both in terms of a therapist (I love my current therapist!), and friends, etc. He's always been very good in that respect, he takes a very holistic view of medicine. xoxo Christie

Benjamin, That's so great - congratulations! I actually just got my letter this week as well, and immediately forwarded it to my endocrinologist! And you're right, it can be a difficult journey, but it's absolutely worth it! My own depression lifted almost immediately when I finally openly acknowledged being trans, and it has stayed away ever since. xoxo Christie

Roxanne, Congratulations on starting your transition! I'm also 48 years old (for another week anyway), and just started myself in the past few months (after a couple of years of cross-dressing without acknowledging being trans). It can be a challenge, but it's worth it for the emotional relief - as you mentioned! xoxo Christie

I just read this article in the Advocate, it was brought to my attention by several people I follow on Twitter. The first person indicated that she didn't agree with all of it, but that it raised some good points. Another person, who tends to be a little more "aggressive" in her opinions, opened fire on it repeatedly and, I think, unfairly. I think it's a good piece discussing the divisions within the trans* community and the difficulty that causes in forming an effective movement. http://goo.gl/yhCB5G I've been looking to get involved somehow myself. I went to the Trans Day of Action a couple of weeks ago. I felt a bit out of place, just because I didn't know anyone. But at the same time it started to make me want to get involved again. In the past I've been politically active, but I had become pretty apathetic over the past few years. This seems like something that can get my activist spirit going again But the article, and the Trans Day of Action, really got me thinking more about my identity as a transwoman. As anyone who's read any of my blog entries probably knows, I've been quite focuses on "passing" (whether I called it that or not in any particular entry). But there is really nothing to "pass" as - I am a transwoman. I plan to start HRT, which will have some physical and emotional impact, but already I am dressing the way I want, I am doing make-up the way I want, overall I am presenting the way I want. I have a few more steps to take in terms of what I wear - I have been exclusively in pants so far and I know that I really, really want to wear skirts and dresses (I've done it cross-dressing, but now I want to do it for real). I'll continue doing electrolysis - but otherwise I need to stop obsessing over "what else I need to do" and just start living it. As far as the wig, I may or may not choose to wear it - I did wear it for the entire evening on Saturday to try to get the feel of it, and it wasn't bad, but I don't know if I want that full time rather than just working with my natural hair. I think the take-away from this for me is that while I am still transitioning, I am now transitioning within the realm of being a transwoman - I moving towards my identity as such, I'm not longer transitioning from male to female, that's done, the male is behind me (feel free to add your own innuendo to that thought - I just did). The biggest hurdle I have right now - that I have to overcome very, very soon - is the rest room. I've still been using the mens' room, even though I feel more and more uncomfortable every time I go in there. Today I honestly felt like I had no business being in there (most times it hasn't been too much of an issue because I've been alone, but today someone else is in there). Since I'm on the subject of "identity" I also wanted to add a thought I've been having on the topic of dressing "appropriately." Some may disagree with me, but while I agree that it's the right thing to do to consider what you're doing or where you're going in terms of how you dress (going to work, going to a wedding, going to a funeral, etc.), I don't agree that age should really be a consideration. When I'm at work, I dress appropriately for work. When it's the weekend, honestly I probably dress "younger" than my age, and I'm happy with that. I do think that if you're dressing younger because you're actually trying to be "younger" that's something that you might want to discuss in therapy, but if you're dressing "younger" because you like the fashion, then go for it. People dress all sorts of ways, some that appeal to us individually, some that don't, and that's great. If everyone (even everyone at work) was dressed exactly like me right now that would be really boring. I'll leave it at that - especially since it's Bastille Day and I have some partying to do :-) xoxo Christie

​I always write with zero preparation ahead of time when writing entries, they just flow out at the very minute I have an idea but always attempt to write a title that will attract attention to entice people to read what I have written. My goal always is to pass on what I think might benefit others, nothing more, nothing less. I am sure at some point I will have little to say (oh, my I have 150+ entries so far) and hope that others hear will be vocal and share their wisdom as each of us will tell different tales and there will be intersecting point which again help others who follow us. ​I suspect you still have much to offer At least I hope so! One of the great treasures of this website is being able to read about people who are at all different points in transitioning

I've been doing hour long sessions, that and the prior laser treatment might explain the difference. For the next 2 weeks my schedule should allow for me to let it go a little longer before the sessions, so she should be happy with that It's funny that it definitely does hurt, but I seemingly don't care - I've never once asked her to stop for a break, and I'm always disappointed when the session ends! I don't think my pain tolerance is that high, on the other hand I have gotten 4 tattoos, so perhaps...

I meant to add that your choice in subject line was wonderful, I couldn't pass up an entry titled "keeping the vagina as it should be"

Happy Monday good people! On Friday I went and had my tests done for HRT. Assuming they all come through ok then I'm on my way, my next appointment with the endocrinologist is August 6 (though if they notify me before that that everything is ok I might try for an earlier appointment). My sense of peace and contentment grows by the minute! Currently it's just the possibility that something will come back negative on the tests that causes me any anxiety. Electrolyis is going wonderfully! I've had 6 or 7 sessions now, and the change is already very noticeable. When I shave in the morning there is so much less to shave! I think we're 4 or 5 sessions from doing the initial clearing. I had done some at-home laser before starting, so that might be making it go a little quicker. My electrologist also gave me a good pointer on working with my voice this past week, so I spent some time over the weekend practicing at home (it takes a little effort to not feel weird talking to myself, so I start out talking to the cat, because that's perfectly normal!) On Saturday I put on my new wig and decided to leave it on the rest of the day to start getting used to it. It was fine until I ate dinner. I hadn't pinned it at all, so that's when it started to slip off. I think put in a few bobby pins and that seems to secure it nicely. I'm going to try working with wig tape as well. I had planned to "unveil" myself as a woman on July 27 (the Monday after I'm off of work for a week), but electrolysis is making me think twice. I'm still at a point where I have to not shave a couple of days before each session, and I'm not sure how I feel about how I'd look wearing a wig with stubble. I'll play with that next week when I'm off and see. I do plan next week to wear the wig out as much as possible! xoxo Christie

Karen, I strongly second Veronica's comments, I had been trying (subconciously) to compartmentalize my gender and sexuality "issues." Part of my thinking (when it popped up into the conscious) was that I didn't want sexuality to impact my decision-making in terms of proceeding on this journey. But of course it is relevant whether I choose to actively think about it or not! I think now that I'm in a much more comfortable place in terms of transitioning it's easier to let it go. What's also interesting is the sense that my sexual orientation is (possibly, probably?) shifting. Previously I considered myself a "gay male" with some slight bisexual interests. As I move along in this transition I can see the possibility of being completely bisexual. One hypothesis (I won't misuse "theory" like the religious right likes to do with it's creationist "theory") is that as I see myself more and more as a woman it's easier to imagine being in a relationship with another woman, someone I can better relate to. That's speculation though :-) At this moment the idea of dating and/or sex is barely, if at all, on my radar. Thank you again for another informative post! xoxo Christie

Warren, Congratulations on all of this! You certainly deserve some good things happening Good luck with the new job# Christie

That's very true, it is definitely being thrown in at the deep end. The location of my office requires that in getting from the elevators to the office I have to walk through the cafeteria. During lunch hour there will be hundreds of students there. And excellent comment about "staring back" - as I started wearing more and more make-up I was very aware that I tended to look away if someone passed so I've been actively working on making eye contact with people. On the plus side, I used to not smile very easily (I had "resting bitch face"), but it comes much more naturally now :-)

Finishing touches probably wasn't the right term. In my mind it's stepping over the line from overall presenting as a man to presenting as a woman (right now I think I mostly look like a man trying to look like a woman). But that definitely isn't the finish line :-)

Congrats on all of this! It is great to have doctors that you trust, and a therapist. And I definitely know what you mean about feeling like you're just rambling during therapy sessions, but I've found that I often get the best feedback from therapists when that's what I think I'm doing :-) I look forward to seeing your comics!

Ben, Lots of excellent points here. To focus quickly on the point about media representation, I recall the early years when I had come out as gay (mistakenly as it turns out!), and finding even the LGBT rights movement trying to focus people on "mainstream" or "normal" lesbian and gay people. Can't say LGBT for that part since they definitely did not want attention focused on the BT part! Long before I realized I was trans I was really pissed about that - it was trans people who rioted at the Stonewall back in '69 after all. Your talk about setting standards made me think of a Barney Frank quote (bear with me, I will connect this!) - back in 1993 when people were arguing over whether LGBT people were 1% or 10% of the population I saw him in a debate - and quite brilliantly he didn't engage in the battle of the numbers, he just said "how many of us do there have to be to be entitled to civil rights?" The connection that I would add here is this - how perfect do we all have to be to be entitled to civil rights? The answer of course should be "NOT AT F***ING ALL!" - many, many imperfect cis-people get rights after all. xoxo Christie

Good morning wonderful people of TGGuide! Today I have an appointment with my endocrinologist to get blood work, etc. done in preparation for HRT. I haven't gotten the letter from my therapist yet, but it is being prepared, and she had me complete a consent form so that she can send it to the endocrinologist as soon as it's ready. I also have an August 6 appointment with the endocrinologist, which may be (hopefully!) the day I get the prescription. All that is just to lead in to some thoughts about depression and my overall emotional state. I was looking back over last weekend at some older journals that I had - they go back a couple of years. I was struck by how consistently I wrote about "feeling nothing" and how my life "felt meaningless," and on occasion how close I seemed to be to just giving it up. I no longer have any of those feelings - but what really struck me was the fact that objectively my life hasn't changed, except for this (and I realize that's a big "except," but bear with me). The point is that in terms of my job, my social life, my home life, etc., everything is largely exactly the same as it was (at work it may be a little worse). But I no longer have the feeling that my life is meaningless. I can really only attribute it to the fact that I'm now living authentically. I noticed very early on (as soon as I openly acknowledged being trans) that my mood lifted, but it's now been months since then and nothing has changed. Of course there's fear and anxiety about what this means for my future, but frankly that's much better than feeling nothing! In moments when the fear and anxiety gets especially strong (which is less frequent than it was even a few weeks ago), and I wonder if I can really do it, the immediate counterthought is that I can't not do it, I know with absolute certainty that I CANNOT go back to where I was. In the next few weeks I'm planning to put the "finishing touches" on presenting as a woman. I feel ready for it, and the timing is particularly good in terms of work. I work at a school and when I get back from vacation on July 27 (which is when I plan to "unveil" this at work) we start a period of a few weeks before the semester starts (and the summer session will be over), so I'll have a few weeks with things being pretty quiet here to get myself used to it before the throngs return (and believe me, based on where my office is located, I'm right in the midst of the throng, I'm not hidden off to a side). xoxo Christie

Karen, I thought I had posted a comment to this already, but it seems I must have forgotten to click "submit" Anyway, I personally prefer to celebrate Bastille Day, being a proper francophile. Just 8 more days! Vive la revolution! Vive la republique! xoxo Christie

Here is a picture I just took (after battling with my phone camera - it kept making my face red). Anyway, this is with wig and some make-up (eye liner, mascara, blush, and lipstick). I'm curious how female people think I look in this? For example, if you saw me in a ladies room would you wonder why a man in a wig was there

All great suggestions! I think the hang-up for me is figuring out how female I am presenting. Chances are good that it's more than I think. I met an old friend for lunch last week (we were friends since we were 3 or 4 years old), we went to a restaurant in a small town near where we grew up (so very suburban). Each time the waitress came over she referred to us as "ladies." What made it nicer was that I hadn't done much as far as make-up, so even with fairly minimal effort I seen to present fairly female.

Karen, This information is great, thank you for sharing it! I suspect I wouldn't do the tracheal shave as my adam's apple doesn't show at all (unless there are other reasons for doing it?) And top surgery I guess would depend on what the HRT does Bur there's still much time for all these questions. Xoxo christie

Hi everyone, Just a quick update - on Wednesday my therapist said she would write the letter I need for the endocrinologist, and I have an appointment to see him on August 6 (I made the appointment before having the letter knowing that there would be some lag before I could actually get an appointment, he's apparently very busy). I know there are some tests they'll have to do first, but my medical history at least doesn't seem to have any counterindicators to HRT. So I'm hopeful that by mid to late August I'll have started. Every thought that I have about it is positive - it makes me feel happy, content, sometimes excited - never hesitation. I think having some time pass since the school-wide announcement went out, and the fact that I'm presenting more and more female, has allayed much of the fear that I felt earlier. It's gotten to the point where it's strange to hear or use my prior name! (I'm also starting to look into a legal name change). One thing that I'm a little hung up on right now is rest rooms. The schools position is simply that I should use whichever rest rooms I feel are appropriate. The problem is that I still feel like I'm presenting somewhere in the middle, so I think I feel a little uncomfortable using either! (they are planning to add a gender-neutral rest room, which I'd probably start using until I feel that I sufficiently "pass"). Then of course there are rest rooms in other places! Ugh. Interestingly, the bar that I often go to recently moved (and changed it's motif a bit - it's now officially a "drag bar"), and they now have "Men" and "Women" on their restrooms, which they didn't at the previous location! It seems like step backwards to me :-) That's where I am now - I have a few more days off before going back to work, a little more time for introspection before rejoining the working world! xoxo Christie