Chrissy

Karen, I already cry at the drop of a hat (sometimes literally), it'd be interesting to see what hormones would do! xoxo Christie

Wonderful video Warren! And it really is a great idea to find someone who will be honest when assessing your wardrobe. I know one thing that I had to keep in mind is to consider age and lifestyle, it was very tempting to want to dress as a 20-something girl, which would have looked awkward at best. xoxo Christie

Warren, I read this over the weekend, but being on my phone I didn't want to try to reply (takes too long to type on there). You certainly do have a lot going on, but it sounds like things are at least moving in a positive direction which is great! It's sad that the level of support you get from various places can depend so much on the specific person who is helping (or not!) you, but I guess that's reality everywhere. It would be nice if people could just do their job! But fortunately you found someone finally who does! I'm looking forward to seeing your YouTube channel! I'll subscribe right away when it's ready xoxo Christie

So far I'm just doing this unofficially, I haven't started any legal name change yet - that will be daunting, but worthwhile I'm going to "live with" this for a while and see how it feels before taking that step (since it involves a legal proceeding)

Eve and Karen, I do need to work on the hair - my current hair style is more feminine than what I used to have, but I'm not quite as good at getting it right as my stylist is Ideally it should sweep across and down, diagonally covering much of the forehead. I'll definitely get more alone time, especially now that summer is approaching! I typically spend a lot of time by the river when the weather is nice enough. And i always have a notebook with me, I know that writing out my thoughts helps me move past the initial thought and explore more deeply. Yesterday I initiated the change in my name at work. I told both of my supervisors, human resources, and a bunch of other staff members who i work regularly with. I knew I was going to, but hadn't really anticipated the level of anxiety it would cause during the day! On top of "upping" my make-up (adding lipstick and eyebrows), it was an interesting day. Fortunately I got a lot of very positive feedback from co-workers, so the day ended very very well xoxo Christie

Eve, It doesn't sound off-putting at all, it sounds appropriately cautionary! I do at moments feel very excited to move forward, but for the most part I'm able to control that (and fortunately there is some wait built into the process). What's a fringe? xoxo Christie

I agree with Eve, from the picture you are very definitely passable! Being prompted by a question from a friend and then a TG book (within a day of each other) I started thinking about the question of what I think I'll look like. It must be fairly common to fantasize that you'll be a hot 20-something, but I don't think I can go from 48 yo man to that xoxo Christie

Good morning everyone! First a few updates. Today, in addition to the little make-up touches I've been adding over the last few weeks, I did my eyebrows and am using lipstick (and lip gloss), and wearing a cute new necklace I bought over the weekend. A picture from this morning is below. I did get a "sir" at 7-11 today, but I'm ok with that, he knows me (I stop there regularly on the way to work), and he was looking strangely at me after that (a mix of confused and amused, or something like that). I've also decided to start using Christie at work (I might segue to it by having "Christie" in my signature line but signing off as "Chris." I just have to decide who I should "announce" that to and how, as opposed to those for whom i'll just start doing that. I also "came out" to my tennis group, and when I got my NYC tennis permit on Saturday it has Christie on it (they didn't even question it). Over the weekend, taking up on Karen's suggestion in one of her recent blog entries, I spent some time down by the Hudson River (on the pier off of Christopher Street). It's one of my favorite spots, and an area where I almost always feel at peace (perhaps in part because of my personal technology ban when I'm there). I started with the question she suggested, do I have any hesitations about starting HRT? (by way of background, I haven't actually decided to start HRT, but I do have an appointment with an endocrinologist on June 20 to discuss it). My initial gut response to it was "no, but perhaps some doubt." To me this makes some sense as I doubt that people are often 100% certain that it's the right thing, at least until you start it. There are no doubt some who are, but not everyone. I then explored those doubts - which I've done before, but a new strain of doubts revealed themselves this time around. That is that I feel like I've often made very bad decisions (and not everyday decisions, but more "life changing" ones - I mean, everyone makes bad decisions). So I spent a little time thinking about what they were, and then why I think I made them (after figuring out if they really were that bad). I won't go into detail about what those specific decisions were, but a through-line for them is that I simply hadn't thought sufficiently about the consequences. In one case (deciding to go to law school), the decision itself could have been ok if I had thought more about what I was going to do with it. In an earlier decision, the decision to not go directly to college after high school, I know that I was thinking too short-term. At that time I was living at home, and making decent money (relative to my pretty insignificant expenses), and I didn't want to give that up. So I sacrificed the long-term for the short-term. That brings me back to transitioning generally and HRT specifically. I take great comfort in knowing that (1) I am looking a lot at what it means, and what is likely or possible to happen, (2) I'm discussing it in depth with a gender therapist, (3) I'm going to talk to a doctor about the implications, and (4) I'm discussing it here and getting feedback So perhaps I will at some point feel 100% certain that it's right, or maybe I'll feel 95% certain and decide that's good enough. Either way I've got some time. Probably the big take-away from my thinking and writing this weekend is that I can't make any decision based on fear. I have to know that I want it, and fully understand (as much as possible) the consequences. xoxo Christie

You look amazing! And happy

I should add to my entry that I do consider my appointment with the doctor to be a very preliminary step. I've done a lot of research on it, but I'd like to hear what a doctor says directly, and also perhaps do the preliminary blood work to make sure it's even possible (I don't see any reason why it wouldn't, but who knows).

Just a quick update - I just made an appointment with the endocrinologist on June 20 - yay!!!!!!!!!! (I was a little frustrated that it's so far off, then I realized it's only 3 weeks)

Emma, There would actually be something of a loop for me to write about dealing with my fears and doubts since so much of it is reading other people's blogs here Eve, Finasteride I think is fairly commonly prescribed here for both prostate problems and hair loss. My dr prescribed the 5 mg version, saying that he does that and then people cut them in half or quarters, it's cheaper that way.

[I originally posted this under the duplicate entry of this blog post, wanted to move it over here ] Eve, I'm so glad you shared this! I've felt very similar to you about this, and it's what fuels what remains of my doubts. I especially like that you talked about testosterone ravaging your body! I remember when I started to have body hair it truly grossed me out (honestly, even writing that phrase right now made me feel a little ill). I've worked very hard to get rid of most of it (waxing, then laser, now electrolysis for my face). It wasn't until I started cross-dressing a couple of years ago (thinking at first that it was a fetish) that I started to realize who I really am inside, and that my outside wasn't matching. xoxo Christie

After almost a week of playing phone tag I finally got in touch with my doctor last night. I was trying to talk to him about getting a finasteride (sp?) prescription (which he took care of) and a referral for an endocrinologist. When I originally left the message for him I hadn't said why I was asking for these, so on the phone with him was when I told him that I had come out (I don't like using that term for some reason) as transgender. I've been going to him for a number of years now (10 or so? Maybe many more, maybe a few less - time is hard to keep track of), and I like him alot. Beyond being a really good doctor, he's very friendly, he's ALWAYS on time (my prior doctor was almost always 45 minutes to an hour late for appointments), and he's holistic in his approach. Consistent with all of that, as soon as I told him I'm trans* he congratulated me, and then asked about my support system. He then gave me the name of an endocrinologist, and said that once I'm on the hormones he would be able to do the follow-up, but that an endocrinologist was better for setting the initial levels. He also said that he works with a number of trans* patients, which made me feel even more comfortable. I haven't officially decided on HRT yet, but I feel like it's going to happen, and possibly quite soon. I raised the question with my therapist last week, to see what her general "guidelines" are in terms of providing a letter. She said she doesn't really have any, she's worked with a number of trans* clients and has done letters for them at all different times. For now she thinks we still need to work a little more through my lingering doubts (which I suspect were really fears, not doubts, but I completely agree with her on this point). So I now have a pretty decent support system in place - my doctor, my new gender therapist (who I like a lot!), a bunch of close friends who are incredibly supportive, a job that is also very supportive, this website!, an electrologist who I like (and who is also a transwoman), and next Wednesday I'm going to a trans* support group in the city. As a "side note" this week was the first week when I started to introduce myself as Christie, and be referred to as Christie by a number of people, and it's starting to feel normal This actually gives me the confidence to send the email to my sister that I wrote over the weekend. I had to spend some time on it to make it non-confrontational.

Got it

Our stories all will be very different, as has been pointed out our individual backgrounds will play out so much. I know that when I've read many of the stories from people who knew as a child that they were born into the wrong body there is often a story or stories about harsh reactions when they displayed their correct gender. In my case, my parents were, how do I put this nicely, ambivalent. As a very young child my best friend was a girl who lived down the street, we played as girls typically would. If my parents even realized that (they probably didn't) they wouldn't have reacted harshly. I think it's often the harsh responses that imprint the memory, without it you might bury the memory more. Their ambivalence could have been good, in that it might have left me free to explore who I was, but it didn't work that way. They also didn't do anything to make me feel any sense of self-esteem so as soon as I came into contact with other social forces (elementary school) I crumbled and while I didn't do much to fit into a typically male mode I also stayed away from anything female (and thus spend many days after school at home watching TV).

I think men's pants technically come in odd sizes, but mostly even? I'm wondering from the title of this entry if you drink Coke Zero? I have read that even diet soda can hamper dieting efforts, possibly even worse than regular soda. I was hugely addicted to soda (mainly diet pepsi) and I gave it up completely about a month ago. I think it's had a positive impact on my own dieting efforts.

Thank you for this! I think you have used that quote before, but I'm glad you said it again, it really is a great mantra! I also noticed today that when I think about being "male" again it's always "going back," which means thinking as a female is becoming my norm

Good morning everyone! It's so nice starting my week on a Wednesday!! I kind of knew going in that this journey was going to be scary, but it's different when you face the reality. I overcome a fear and take a step, and then discover that the next step is even scarier. I trust that at SOME point that trend reverses. This morning I added a couple of more elements to my day-to-day make-up regimen. I was already doing mascara, nail polish, and a clear lip gloss. Today I added eye liner, blush, and a reddish lip gloss (when I look at it I think "why not just wear lip stick?"). For the first time today I definitely caught some unusual looks from people - not bad, just a little confused. So I know I'm doing something right I had to face down what I thought were some doubts over the course of the weekend and this morning. But on closer inspection I realized they weren't really doubts, just fears. Fear that I won't be able to afford this, that I'll never look quite right, that I'll lose whatever social "network" I currently have, and worst of all, that I'll end up being a "freak." I hate using that term, but it was the one that came into my head. I just fear that no matter what I do I'll always look like a man trying to look like a woman. I can try to rationalize away most of the fears - especially when I think of the transwomen I've met and seen pictures of, I haven't seen a "freak" yet! I'm meeting sometime this week or next with a couple of people at work to discuss a "transition plan." So that's exciting Speaking of work, it's time I do some! xoxo Christie

Karen, I'm so happy for you! You sound very much at peace, which must be a wonderful place to be. Xoxoxoxo christie

I was actually thinking that she might have been overly cautious, I wanted to look into it some more. I really don't want to do drag without foundation

Monica, I agree sooo much with that! I was very happy to finally find a TG support group in the city, I'll be going to that in a couple of weeks (they meet the 1st Wednesday of each month). TG Guide has been wonderful and indispensable, but I know that being face-to-face with other trans people will be so very nice. And I do think that communities based on technology sometimes get overrated. Especially when it's based on "liking" facebook posts, and "re-tweeting." Those are easy. At least with TG Guide we have more extensive and meaningful discussions xoxo Christie

Just some random thoughts as another week comes to an end and I get ready for a 4-day weekend (YAY!) I mentioned in an earlier post that this week I finally wore shoes (2 days) that are clearly women's. This was also the first week that I've gone 100% in female clothing. I'm still getting more "sirs" than I'd like, and someone yesterday commented on what I was wearing saying "I respect a man who can wear pink." Those things all make me wonder "what more do I have to do!?!?" Well, that's my weekend project, figuring out what more I can do I had my first electrolysis appointment yesterday. It was 45 minutes (10-15 minutes of consultation first, then 45 minutes of actual electrolysis). It hurt, but it wasn't as bad as i had feared, and she started with the upper lip which she said was the most painful part. Going into it my fears were (1) if I could afford it (I will find a way!), (2) if it would hurt too much (I have 4 tattoos, this didn't feel as bad), and (3) that I had to let the hair grow a couple of days before the session - AHH!!! (it's worth it for the long-term benefit). What I noticed though was that there was no fear about whether or not I really wanted it. It did scare me at the end when she said I can't wear make-up for the next week - I'm supposed to do drag on Tuesday, that might be a challenge (I'll see what I can pull off this weekend, something without foundation) Also reached out to my doctor about getting a propecia prescription and to have at least a preliminary discussion about hormone therapy. Haven't been able to make contact with him yet, but I should get somewhere on this early next week. My new therapist continues to be wonderful! And she gave me contact information for TG support group in the city. They meet the 1st Wednesday of each month, so I have that in my calendar for June. At work there was also a very positive development. The person who used to be my bosses' boss (she was over all 3 people to whom I report) shifted positions, she's now the head of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (or something like that). When the announcement came out about that I sent her a congrats email, and used that to "come out" to her (I think she might have known already, but I wasn't sure). She thanked me and said that she definitely wants to incorporate trans issues into the work that she'll be doing (it is a new position), and she said that she'd like to chat with me sometime soon to get any thoughts I might have about what the school can do. I've known her for several years and I know that she's not the type to just "blow smoke up your ass," if she says she wants to do something she really does, and typically gets it done. So on my task list for the long weekend is also to think about what I see as the logistical things that might come up, and then look at that to see what I should raise with her. I'm also meeting with our HR director again to update - she mentioned that they are very soon going to "re-label" rest rooms with respect to gender identity (she couldn't tell me more about that yet). Finally, on Wednesday night I do a volunteer gig at a comedy theater in the city. I told the person who coordinates volunteers that I had decided to start using my female name, so this week that started. He's really sweet, he seemed to go out of his way to find ways to use my name whenever he could, and before I left we had a long conversation about it, he was curious about a lot of it (and also apologized in advance if he asked anything insensitive, which he didn't do). There were also 2 occasions that night where I had to introduce myself to someone and that was the first time I introduced myself in person to someone as Christie So on the whole this was a really good week! Underneath all of this was just a far greater comfort with what I'm doing and where I'm going. I hope everyone has a lovely Memorial Day weekend! xoxo Christie

Oh my, I'll admit I didn't remember about Electra Woman, but when I googled it I did recall the show. Not a bad choice

So glad that your recovery seems to be going so well! I hadn't thought about the implications for sleeping before. I can imagine it's an adjustment even after the recovery from surgery is done. I sleep on my side and there would suddenly be a new weight pulling down. Still, I can't wait