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Briannah

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  1. Briannah

    21st anniversary

    By Briannah,

    Thank you to everyone on the forum who helped me sort out my feelings, learn, and work things out.  Yesterday we celebrated our 21st anniversary, and I can say we've really rebuilt this marriage and it's going strong.   And managed to get home from dinner through Ohio's surprise ice storm.  Outback Steakhouse is nice food(lobe their chicken tortilla soup) but not worth dying over! 
  2. Briannah

    Faced a medical phobia.

    By Briannah,

    I have a weird phobia about things being removed from my body.  I even had panic attacks over them removing my wisdom teeth back in my youth, and I'd been raised with the understanding that would happen, there has been no single member of my family who they fit in the mouths.  So last month I started getting severe abdominal issues, and first er said it was food poisoning (cuz you know, has to happen at midnight), but then four days later it happened again, and Nikki had no issues and we eat the same food.  (I cook all our meals, we observer dash diet together, I even send his lunches in bentose that I make in advance). So The second attack I waited til mrning and saw my actual doctor, and started in on the oh, you fit 6 of the 7 main criteria so let's look at yoru gal bladder, youp, you broke it it has to go.  
    Yesterday they removed it.  I really had to suck it up, but one wrong food choice mouthful and it was worse pain than my previous marker, giving birth.  So with a lot of coaxing from Nikki I did and went to have it out.  Was terrified all week because of a known complication, but it went well.  Had four rods and am suffering no post surgical complications other than the anti-nausea patch they put on everyone to prevent incidents in the surgery had to be removed right after, it made the room MOVE when I woke up, so disorienting, and my throat was feeling really abused from the breathing tube.  It was kinda surreal when they kept telling me how great I was doing basically just laying on the or table watching them buzz around prepping.  Laying on a table wasn't hard. : )  Although with my native clumsyness it was a minor miracle I got on and stayed on without falling off I suppose.
    Hope you are all healthy!  
  3. Briannah
    If you are suffering from depression, and snore, please ask your doctor for a sleep apnea test.  Or if you just snore, as it can have long term effects that build slowly.
    This is not a cure.  Depression can have MANY causes, and I'm not touting any snake oil easy card.  But recent experiences for both Nikki and I have given me some new knowledge about the links between depression and the damage sleep apnea can do to you, and the difference for both of our cases has been astronomical since we started using the cpap machines.  Yes, it can suck a little with the thing on your face, but the benefits have really been dramatic.  And the physical issues I was chasing around with the doctor aren't heart disease at all, it was the damage the lack of oxygen long term at night was doing to my body and we've both gotten varying degrees of physical improvements also.  And surprisingly after a few weeks it's broken my insomnia, another thing I learned can be apnea caused.   If you're lucky you're not a mouth breaker like me, and can just get this little strap thingy that just covers your nose (like Nikki has), but I have to wear a plastic mask thingy that covers both my nose and mouth.  If you do test and get a positive, it's a little wierd with the wall of air hitting you in the face at first and I had this urge to breath hard in response, but I got used to it after a week and started breathing like a normal person instead of a drowning one.  I don't know if I'm just weird or there is a biological reaction going on there.
    Sometimes sleep apnea is misdiagnosed as depression.  Sometimes depression is misdiagnosed as sleep apnea.  And in a great many cases the two conditions intertwine and make each other worse.  SO I wanted to share this with as many people as I can.  Again, it's not a magic cure, and not instant, but I think we should always try to improve our quality of life.  And I'm absolutely NOT saying do this not therapy/medication/whatever else you use, just get checked to make sure this isn't a side issue that is doing damage to both body and mind also.  I'm just sharing for those who might also have been living in my mess and equally not aware of it can maybe get an improvement to help their current care.    I think Nikki got more depression help and I got more physical help, but we both got some of each in the end.  
  4. Briannah
    So...you're never supposed to say anything negative about former employers in interviews, it doesn't come across well.  But what do I do with the question of why I'm going to be taking a major paycut (most of the positions similar to mine pay much less) to work somewhere else?  The real reason is they've put me in a position where I have to break a variety of laws to do the job as they require of me, and I deeply don't like this.  At first I thought they didn't know and were going to get me the training and such I needed for compliance, but Have since realized nope, they don't want to put a cent into anything and are okay with ordering me to commit fraud on customers now too.  
     
    For the life of me I can't think of a reason why I applied for a job with a $5/hr paycut to answer this question that doesn't sound like I'm a dumb flake or is the actaul truth, and I don't think telling teh truth in this case is good for me?  I don' t know.
  5. Briannah
    I'm having one of my best friends over to see the my new house, the first person I've had here other than the two coworkers that helped us move.  Shes' one of the reasons I wanted to come here, so we'd be close enough to hang out more than twice or three times a year.  And I'm realizing my job has had a deeply negative effect on some of my behaviors.  I know I will enjoy the visit, it will be fun, and still I'm dreading it like mad.  I have this antisocial streak lying underneath a need for company.  I don't even understand my own brain sometimes.  I had mostly gotten it under control, able to realize rationally that I WANT to spend time with people and will have a blast.  And if something happens (the weather is really poor today) I will be slammed with an equally intense feeling of relief and crushing disappointment.  How the heck does my brain process like this???

    But the last year, between the hours of the job, not being able to have people over because staying with my odd hoarding mother and then having to get things organized here, I think I reinforced my old habits of solo activity and hermitism.   I'll just have to do to the work, again.  It's a good reminder that disorders and deeply ingrained policy traits can be overcome, but never really 'cured', and you have to nurture the better behaviors.  I seem to have forgotten that.  Meanwhile, I guess I'll just grit my teeth and get through it until she arrives and the joy mode clicks ins.  
    I really don't know why I do these things to myself, but at least I do better with living with them now than I used to.  That's hope.  
    Nikki is really excited to have a guest, that helps.  He put a TREMENDOUS effort into the living room, and wants to show off his decorative flair.  I pick a few things I like, and then he sorts out the spatial layout and relations to each other to make it look good.     He's always been better at traditional 'woman skills' than me.  Which reinforced my childhood lived experience opinion that people should be allowed to be who they are, not told what to be based on their bodies.   Going through figuring out what it all meant the day we first had the conversation about 'Yes, i'm going to stop lying about it, I'm transgender" changed a lot of things, both in him, our marriage, and in me.  I'm finally at ease with my internal lack of the resonence with the stereotypical american female.  I hate clothes shopping, I hate makeup, I'm okay with cooking but hate cleaning, and live for video games, table top rpg gaming, and other random things men like.  And now I'm finally okay with that, I didn't realize til we started having the discussions of what it all means that I'd always been really uncomfortable with the feeling at odds with the role that had been hardcored forced on me as a child by family and the shcool system because of my sex.  I'd internalized it.   Rejected it and did what I wanted, but at the same time internalized it and let it negatively impact my self-esteem.  Trying to care for Nikki's self-esteem all these years, especially the last few when he was most vulnerable, has repaired some small amount of the boudler sized damage mine has.  But it's a start.  Hope again I guess. 
    I feel weirdly naked after this post.  
  7. Briannah
    Unfortunately, there will be a 2.0, as our friend's big trailer was unavailable, but he brought the 'smaller one' and we moved most of it.   So we're going back Saturday with him again (he's so sweet, volunteered to do it again for us!) and get the last of it.  I can't find anything, unpacking is really random, but it feels great to be here.  This town is amazing!  People are REALLY friendly here.  When I smile and say hello to random strangers they stop and strike up a conversation instead of looking at you funny and hurrying away like our last city.  And it's a pretty little town.  The house is wonderful, and we're slowly settling in box by box.  
    Nikki says hello to everyone!
  9. Briannah

    It's almost over.

    By Briannah,

    YAY!  We're closing on the house Tuesday!!!!  Then on Saturday a coworker friend we've been making is coming all the way up here to help us move.  He's aware of my hernia issue and my ability to live/carry things being compromised and wanted to help Nikki out and I'll just be organizing and using the wagon I won last year at a picnic giveaway (I love that collapsible canvas wagon, they are the best things ever!  Lightweight, maneuverable, but roomy and strong!).  

    I"M MOVING!   One more week here at crazy mom's and I"ll be free.  
    Nikki will be able to have whatever girl time he wants, I'll be able to get out of a corner (I literally have spent the last year either in bed or living in my computer corner of the sunroom with occasional visits to the bathroom as needed) and walk around the house, NO CARPETS (they are really unhealthy to people with asthma and allergies), it's going to be lovely!  We don't own a couch right now due to cancer kitty's issues at the end so we're still going to be on high savings mode to get some things we need for it after buying it, but that's okay.  Especially with all the overtime I'm working lately.  Nikki's salary, he just has to do it, I get financial rewards.   Sometimes it pays to be hourly!    Nikki is going to set up my rowing machine and dance dance revolution game as a sort of home gym for me to get back on the health improvement bandwagon.  
    I think I am going to try to find a therapist that does late evening appointments though.  I'm not in the right head-space, and I"ve lost a lot of internal ground as well as need to pursue Nikki's theory that was misdiagnosed add instead of adhd.  There might be more behavioral therapy appointments in my future as I was never able to conquer some of the aspects of my disorder, and if they were treating it wrong that would explain a bit.  IF not, meh, we all have a few personal failings. 
    But right now it's joy to the Bree cuz I survived!    Moving day will probably be less stressful this time with the extra help too. : )
  10. Briannah
    Feel free to ignore me, I'm just venting to try not to explode.  I'm super frustrated as we're so close to escaping my froot loopy idea to stay with my mom (man, I moved back into my awful childhood, what was I thinking that this would work out okay???) and it feels like everyone is trying to stop me. 
    First Nikki got mad at me: my fault, and sorta not my fault, I was trying to do research, I didn't realize any mortgage brokers were going to CALL HIM I thought I was just gathering intel or I would have told him what I was up to, he was blindsided and annoyed.   I wasn't trying to jumpstart anything, but I did.  Just like we bought the first house by accident, we sorta started on this path again by accident.  But once he got over the shock of what I was up to, and I was able to talk it out with him about having had the talks at work to make sure they are keeping me, getting made formally a full time actual employee, and making sure my income and position are secure, and running the numbers, I realized we COULD afford the second mortgage for cheaper than the apartment we were trying to find that would take fat pooch.  (most of them have a weight limit of 35 pounds, at her skinniest my poochie is 42 pounds).  And can I just say landlords, crazy laziness makes you look like froot loops, the 35 to 50 pound cat limits are nuts.  What do you think we have, cougars?  So Nikki got on board faster than I did and I was the one researching the option.  Then I got panicky and Nikki had to gently shove me back into the mindset that we're going to do this.  And, of course, I had to put my 20th anniversary budget into the downpayment instead.  So if we don't sell other house, no anniversary glory for me, I'll just try to move my expectations to the 25th.  That's a big milestone too.  
    Then there was the actual house hunting, the ups and downs of trying to match desire to budgets. That sucked.  And of course I fall for one higher than we wanted, but still affordable and cheaper monthly than the apartment we were looking at.  But she fits my criteria (two bathrooms, nice kitchen cuz since we started dash living has mattered more and more), room for my pool, and lots of room, its' big) and Nikki's criteria (mostly move in ready, nice yard, older architecture, central air), and in our target chosen dream town we wanted to go to on a lovely street.  
    Then we made the offer, on the same day that someone else did!  Some jerk bid on my house!  And I went into a tailspin of this isn't going to happen and trying to divorce myself from my emotional attachment to it, only to get it.  LOL  
    Then there was a long wait for inspections, vacations, appraisals, and some sort of unreasonably long wait for the title agency to do thier thing that had the seller,  us, the realtor, and our lender all cranky about the hold up. 
    NOW there is some wibbling with the underwriters about the electricity in the living room.  I've lived iwth the sockets not working in my current house forever, why in hell would this be a dealbreaker for me now?  *cranky*  So I sent the home inspection that says it does, but there is a problem with teh elctrical box, with the seller is fixing, so I probably now have to wait for the realter to get a statement from the electrician before I can close and move.  
    I just want to go.  Living here is sucking out my soul, and as  usual here is the only place I can admit that.  I probably need to go back into therapy once we're down to one mortgage because I am so not okay in my head, and I've go SO far backwards inside.  I can't even tell anyone with a connection closer than the other side of the internet that I'm not okay, which is old me and hasn't been a problem for ages for me.  Nikki has no idea how bad it is in my head, and I can't make myself say it.  And writing even here is scary because that stupid little voice that is out to get us in our heads is all "Emma knows your phone number, you can end up having to talk about this voice to voice".  Even though I rationally know Emma would ask first.  
    I hope moving will make it better.  Nikki will be massively happy.  Nikki wants less commute, girl time, and less asthma problems for me (no carpet in the new house, carpet all over here).  I just want time to rebuild myself into who I actually made myself without the influence of my family and moving back into those influences.  I need out, I think I'm slowly imploding.  

    How much longer can it take to get the green light to move really?   When did I lose everything inside I worked so hard to gain?  
    It's a weird time in my head, because I'm gaining a sense of self-worth through my job I've never had before, while reinforcing all the things that made sure I never had one at home at the same time.  I'm back and forth between really happy and really miserable.  
    In other words, life is happening I guess.
  11. Briannah

    Still alive!

    By Briannah,

    So that job Nikki took last year has been going well, he's still there, and I have joined up also.  More money than I've ever made, and while the working conditions are extremely chaotic and we don't have much time for a personal life, it's weirdly satisfying and they seem to like me.  And it enabled us to afford to buy another house while we wait to sell the one we still own.  Which of course means my NJ friends aren't talking to me for this week after I showed them the Zillow ad and admitted I negotiated under asking price, which could maybe buy me a garden shed back home.  I do miss NJ still, but who can afford it these days!  
    Nikki's doing wonderfully despite not being in therapy since she passed, but he plans to find a new one once we are settled.  I get not wanting to start over twice, and I hope he gets one he likes as much.  I think he's way  more stable these days than I am. 
    Of course, I also am the one that came up with the idiot plan to move in with my mom to try to sell our house.  *smirks*  Self-inflicted injury.  But we are moving FINALLY sometime in the next month or two.  Still married, still going along with the flow, have managed to NOT injure myself with Nikki's breast forms lately (brownie points to anyone who remembers that story!).  Although I did manage to nearly kill myself with mom's weird bathtub, the kind that goes waist high that you walk in and bath in without having to step over the tub wall with this odd shaped door by slamming my head into it full bore when I dropped something.  Some days it's a wonder I live.    Nikki also wants me to go back to a therapist, he did some research and thinks I've been misdiagnosed with add instead of adhd, as apparently it presents differently in women, but they'd only done the research on male children back in my day.  If he's right it explains a lot.  *Looks around* I refused to tell him how many of the criteria I fit when he was asking me about the list, I'll get a pro to re-diagnose me thank you very much. LOL
    Hope you are all doing well!  
  12. Briannah
    Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird.  I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a medicine cabinet full of things (antacids, gas pills, throat pain suckers since I dehydrate at a moment's whim of my body now, things like that, prescription medically our lifestyle changes are reducing that amount at least).  But we really should come with individualized manuals, this trial and error nonsense sucks. 
    The manual should include actual nutrition too.  Our culture has so obscured what healthy food is it's crazy.  And most people trying to eat well are unintentially eating unhealthy in a variety of ways because packaging and manufactures are allowed to lie and obscure a lot from us.  It's even worse in other countries, china has a crisis of a variety of fake food facing them.  Our crisis is fillers and additives.  One of the many things Trump defunded was an initiative to make manufacturers list how much sugar they ADD to the food.  *headdesk*  
    And, on a note of pure curiousity and interest, I want a manual that tells me how the parts actually work.  So I can look up any organ and see what it's doing, how it does it, interesting facts.  I know I have the internet, but one all collated and at hand would be fun.  I know, I have a weird sense of fun.  
    I'm off, I took a temp job to earn the money for movers, so we don't have to slog with a uhaul this move once house sells.
     
  13. Briannah

    There be hope here!

    By Briannah,

    So realtor lady after breaking the news gently that we'd missed the pricing bubble and our house was worth less than we hoped, said that we would know if she'd set the right price point, should have at least one showing a week.  So we set it, and our first week is now over (went up Monday).
    We've had three.  No ​offers yet, but I think I would be really surprised if my house sold in five days or less.  But I really want it to sell asap.  But that's good news, people are taking the time to go look at it, not just looking at it online.
    I really need this to go smoothly and fast, I need to move outta here and get back in my own space.  With my things.  Girl time for Nikki, he can't exactly do that here.  Alone time for me.  Logic and reason ruling the house again.  And my poor cat is frazzled, she's always trying to pet him.  She's a cat person.  But my cat is a one human cat, he only really wants to interact with me.  He'll tolerate Nikki's attentions, but he only really wants attention from Nikki he's angry and punishing me, he's always been like that since a kitten.  Didnt' want my son, Nikki, or even his sister to mess with him, only me.  So he's really not happy right now.  Poor little guy.
    Lizard, as ever, is chill and doesnt' care what is going on as long as she gets her food and heat.  Dog ​is happy that she's literally never alone right now.  Nikki's dealing better than me, but he gets more time outta the house, although I do have a part time job now for either a month or indefinitely, I'm so confused and different people keep telling me different things.  I'm sorta worried it's gonna last eleven years, since the last time I accepted a brief temp job through nepotism it did just that.  I actually temped for Nikki, and did so well at it that other people in the office asked me to come in for them, which lead to three days a week starting this week.  I sorta hope it's just the month, so that i can re-earn my savings to pay movers (the rains came, flooded, and broke the furnace and it ate up my movers fund).  If it's longer, I'll take it of course and do my best, to reflect well on Nikki, but dang I liked my happy vagrant housewife life. LOL
  14. Briannah

    Progress I guess.

    By Briannah,

    ​It's done.  By end of day tomorrow, my home will be listed.  It's a bunch of mix feelings, this is what is holding us back from moving forward, but it was MY HOME for eleven years, second longest I have lived anywhere, and longest Nikki has ever.  I'm not surprised, I have learned I really  hate endings of any kind, even when they are what I wanted.  So...now we are in the next phase, and this one sorta sucks.  There is nothing more I can do, it's just waiting until someone decides they want the house enough to pay us.  Meh.  
     
    I will give it this, MUCH easier paperwork wise to sell a house than buy one.    I asked ​the realtor what paperwork we needed to gather to bring to closing, and apparently nothing.  Title agency does all that for us, we just have to show up, sign our name six times (as apposed to what felt like six hundred at closing to buy) and we're done.  No 80 millions trips all over town trying to gather things and turn them into the bank.  Of course, then we have to go through the buying process again.  Yay.
  15. Briannah
    I've been gone a long time, I'm sorry!    Got ​really sick, found multiple causes, and started addressing them.  One of them was our diet, and Nikki and I are living on the DASH diet as best we are able to right now.  It's hard when you are staying at someone else's house (our repairs and slave labor to the house should be done tomorrow, and it should be listed within the week.  That took FOREVER!).  It helps that Nikki really loves my cooking, and has been visibly on the same page with me when my mom started trying to sabotage our efforts to get healthier.  I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's been a struggle while we're staying here.  I can't sell that house and buy a new one fast enough.  My mom needs me to stay sick and not be able to improve my health and life so that she can keep telling everyone that all her weight and diet induced illnesses arent' her fault.  And when I started getting better, so started the pressure to each junk food and salty things again.  I resisted though, and Nikki has been great backing me up.  It's kind of empowering to realize that I don't have to turn into my mother, that I CAN be successful after all without bariatric surgery (which I was ready to sign on for, but my insurance doesn't cover, and neither did my savings account!) and hopefully will continue to succeed going forward.  (If you have hypertension issues, and want to address them without medication in a real not-creepy-anti-science food culty way, I can't recommend DASH For DUmmies enough.  It explains how the science works, the research that went into it, how to shop, set up your kitchen, and a variety of starter recipes).  I'm still taking my meds, but doctor thinks she's going to take them off once we're back in our own home and the stress of dealing with my mom is removed.  I'm a bit stressed out. 
    Nikki has been really great working on the prior issue I wrote here about about not backing me up and being on my page.  I can't say enough how awesome he's been about it!  I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with the last four months of illness and mom crazy if I still felt all alone like I did back then.  I think I'm flirting with depression, and maybe had slipped quietly all the way in for a while when I really sick, but the dash changes having improved how I feel dramatically on a day to day basis is helping me climb out of it. 
    ​So we have our eye on a house if ours sells and no one else snatches it up, but if they do, there'll be other houses.  ​I'm sorta stuck on a fireplace, so I did my due diligent Bree researches how to safely own and operate a fireplace.  I have learned a great deal about wood, chimneys, laying out the wood for a fire, storage, how to tell a good wood supplier and chimney cleaning profressional from a bad one, and I'm ready to spend a snowy winter's evening cuddling on the cough with Nikki making Smores!  I'm ready, so Nikki said okay, we'll prioritize a fireplace.  WOOHOO!
    Aside from my health, Dash has propelled me thirty pounds lighter and I fit in clothes I haven't worn in years!  Nikki too, but for once I lost more because Nikki cheats at work and lunches at fast food.   I got to see his office environment, and if my last job had been that nice and calm I would still be working!  But I like my housewife life.   And ​I spend a great deal of it working on increasing our variety of food and compliance with Dash.  Salt is the enemy!  I was the average American, and WAY overdosing on the stuff.  It just never percolated how dangerous it can be in those amounts for me before. 
    Life goes in waves like the tide.  But I came out of this down cycle with a long term plan to address my physical issues, and several new coping mechanisms for emotional ones, and I can finally see that at some point there will be an end to this weird "I have a roof, but I feel homeless" limbo.  We basically have a bed in a tiny room, and a corner in the sunroom where the laundry is, and that is our entire plot of "our space" here.  It will be lovely to move back into our own place!  Sell quick little house.  I will really miss you, but gotta go.
    And supposedly one glass of wine a day is good for your heart too.  So...bought a cheap bottle of red and I'm going to try to overcome my aversion to alcohol like I did my aversion to broccoli, pepper, and cauliflower in the last few weeks.  It promises to taste like a cherry cupcake.  I somehow disbelieve.
    I'm done rambling now.  Tell me about any adventures I missed while I was gone!
  16. Briannah
    So I need to start going through my house every coupla years and just looking at the stuff that is lying around/saved somewhere.  I have saved some really useless junk over the years.  Anyone remember the Isle of Lost Toys from the old Christmas specials?  Apparently we are running the Sanctuary of Lost Cords.  Which of course Nikki won't let me throw any of those out because we might need them some amorpheous day in the future.  Fine, he let me throw most of the rest of the junk out, and we can do a great device to cord matchup event when we settle to be sure what is junk beyond doubt I guess.  
    It really is amazing the accumulation of things in an average life.  We're not shoppers, we go outta her way to not do that.  We're not garage sale hounds, or antique hunters, or any sort of real collectors of anything.  I can only imagine how much more stuff people who enjoy those things either have to dispose of often or build up.  
    Well, back to work.  At least until the Cheeto declares everything in the country as his.   I'm surprised that man hasn't tried to pass an act yet that he owns everything and we have to pay rental on our things.  After the pay to have them in the first place, of course.  
  17. Briannah

    Irma.

    By Briannah,

    So I just saw photos of St. Maarten after Irma passed through.  On top of the horror for those people, there is this creepy feeling.  I was there, in March, with Ashe.  We lounged on a beautiful beach, we had lunch at this awesome open air restaurant right on the beech and iguanas joined us for the lunch, there was a drive through the beautiful now underwater streets.  It just feels weird when it's somewhere you have been.  Like when I see flood photos from the one we had here.  It's not a feeling of extra bad, it's just oddly disorienting to me and I have no idea what my brain's issue with it is.  
    I looked at the livestreams on Key West, another place I've been and enjoy watching on cam when I'm far away, and it's just so eerie to see how deserted it was.  Also reassuring that the people have gone to safer ground on the mainland.  The storm has not yet hit key west, but the winds are already amazingly and unusually loud on the cams that have sound.  I can only imagine what it will be like when the actual storm hits.  
    There was a collection truck near the Kroger's by us collecting for Harvey, and I found myself wondering how long til it's for both.  And then I further wondered how bad it's going to be.  I remember how bad Katrina was, with the Fema director really nepotism-based friend of bush's and no clue how to actually handle a disaster, and Harvey is in two separate states, with Irma barreling up to take on a third state.  I'm not really confident our current dysfunctional government is going to handle this well.  And I'm not sure what is going to happen to the insurance companies.  They function based on the idea that these massive disasters are few and far between, and it hasn't really been all that long since Katrina.  I also worry what else the Caribbean is going to shoot up our way before the end of storm season.  
    And Houston/Harvey is also a glaring warning of another issue that I fear people will ignore.  A group of scientists warned them they were paving over too much grassland several years back, explaining that it was going to magnify flood issues in the city.  They were ignored, the grassland was paved over because "what do you science guys know" and now they are paying for it.  New Orleans kept trying to get federal aid to fix the aging levees prior to Katrina, and were ignored.  Safety and infrastructure have fallen by the wayside in favor of legislating morality and corporate profits in my opinion, and it's only going to get more dangerous as time goes on.   ​ I really worry for the future generations.  Heck, I worry what is going to happen in the next forty or so years while I'm still here.
  18. Briannah
    So things are starting to happen faster now.  We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house.  (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16).  And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it.  Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really.  Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house.  Old house is nearly empty, just a bit more to pull out and then it's painting time.  We're still waffling on whether or not to fix the damaged laminate.  New car is working out great, old main car is doing great, old secondary car is going to the scrapyard, the costs to fix the brake issue and make it sellable are higher than we could sell it for.  Bummer, some extra money would have been nice.  
    It's kinda weird being here again.  I lived here with Grandma, my mom, and my son when I met Nikki.  I had the downstairs basement finished room, although ever since the big flood it's impractical to use as a bedroom anymore.  Which is a same, as it's HUGE and was lovely with lots of space.  Only ever had to come upstairs to use the bathroom.  I was the hermit Bree in the basement!   
    Nikki's girl mode items are all packed away with a decoy tag, he's still very much closeted as far as our families go.  Since he realized transition is not a path for him, dealing with our awkward families is a door he doesn't want to go through.  As in most things (other than anything food related, do NOT EVER trust Nikki's judgement with food, trust me) I trust his judgement and respect his choices.  And he pointed out I won't be at risk for giving myself a black eye again slapping myself with the breast form.  (Didn't quiet get a black eye, but I did have a nice red mark from that oops.  Why do they put it in such clingy plastic?)  Nikki does have a nasty set of scratches across his back, so I've been teasing him he made a ghost angry that we're leaving.  It sounds more fun than I think the cat did it while we were sleeping.  
    I haven't had any really awful burning for a week, had one bad night last weekend, but it's been good since.  Nikki's physical health is solidly great, and his dysthymia has been very much under control.  He continues on his medication, but the improvements in our life have done wonders also.  Once his job is less demanding (they're in the middle of some big changes that take a lot of hours from him) he's going to see about finding a new therapist in our target town and he can just go after work and then come home until we move.  He has to start over anyway since his passed and then we went on insurance hiatus.  He'd rather do it just once instead of twice. 
    It's sorta amazing how far we've come since last years confusion and upheaval.   ​I'm proud of us.  Now I have to go continue trying to convince my elderly cat that moving was a good thing and that he should eat some of his food.  Dog is loving the adventure of a new house (wish she would stop running full speed into doors though, she's traumatizing ME with her poor banged head) lizard doesn't care.  Our lizard is too cool to care. 
     
  19. Briannah

    Update

    By Briannah,

    So doing much better.  Yeah, that stupidly expensive Medcline wedge thing with the body pillow costs around $300, but WOW if you need some sort of sleeping wedge for a medical issue (I'm pretty sure apnea, copd, and some other conditions besides acid reflux benefit from the incline sleeping position) then I really really recommend this one.  The wedge is pretty firm and holds you up well, and it has a 'stuffer' pillow so you can change which side you sleep on (the other conditions it doesn't matter, only acid reflux really needs it to be left).  Also, don't get the cheater $220 version without the pillow to use your own, the candy cane shaped body pillow for the extra money is awesome.  It's really comfortable, the top wraps around you and stays in place amazingly, and the long side trails down to go between your knees for a spine alignment support.  If they can 'fix' this acid reflux and I can sleep flat again, I'm SO keeping this candy cane pillow thing.  IT's that amazing.  If anyone else here has my issues, this was completely worth the money, and going to pay for itself in a few months from the amount of medication I'm not buying now.
    So between the Gaviscon (works much better for reflux than the pink stuff, it really does not only neutralize the acid but creates a sort of foamy barrier that helps keep the rest of the acid in place) and the Medcline I'm doing MUCH better.  I've stopped taking the Prilosec (lots of potential side effects with long term use) entirely, and in the last week only needed the Gaviscon once.  I think I'm winning!  Feels good to win, but man do I miss my garlic.  I miss garlic more than I miss chocolate.  I have a serious garlic bread craving going on, but I'm not brave enough yet.  Food actually became scary.  Will this make me burn?  How little can I eat and still live so my throat isn't on acidfire?  IT's a weird feeling to be scared of food.   Not just nervous about calories or sugars, but actually frightened to eat at all.  I'm told on a forum I persused by other people with the condition looking for control information this is a fairly common reaction for those who don't have it under control, and it will fade away again with time.  You know me, research gerbil.   
    Still going to see a doctor to talk about this when I can, find out if something slipped out of place inside, some sort of hormonal issue (it all started with that months cycle, I really hope this isn't gonna be a cycle thing or a menopause one, I am getting close to that age), or what.  The websites all indicated even losing a couple pounds will lessen it, in my case I lost 15 and it got worse.  So I have no idea how to take that.  Maybe my stomach is just really mad and wants to digest me.  
    On the state of the Nikki: He's genuinely happy with his job now.  The utter lack of drama and actual ability to do his job and solve problems instead of just playing message tag with corporate people has done WONDERS.  He's putting in some long hours right now, but they use completely different systems than his old job and he's learning what he needs to know to master it.  It's amazing how much our life situations change how we feel and are.  I think its' done as much for the dysthymic depression as the pills are doing really.  so is having a more natural to his bio rythms sleeping habit.  Having all of that together is really bringing him back to his old self.  Which is doing wonders for us as a couple, and an education in how much when one spouse is not doing well it affects the other one, as I'm also doing dramatically better inside as a result of having a happy spouse again.   He bought powerball tickets cuz the jackpot is huge, and turned and asked me if we beat the odds and won, would I still wanna go to Florida?  And was all relieved when I said no, we'd just get a nicer house in new town than we could afford now because I can see how much he loves his job.​  But in 10 years it would be early retirement and this couple would be moving to my beloved Florida.  
    ​So life is good, house feels like an unending pit of work to try to get it ready for listing (that has slowed down as a result of his hours, a lot of the stuff that needs done now is things he is good at and I just sorta maybe understand how), and we bought a new car that gets really good mileage for all the commuting (and both our current cars be old and tired).  After much searching we found a good deal on a former rental car with only 17k miles on it.  Yay! 
    We did look into potentially getting a bridge loan and went to our credit union to crunch the numbers to see if we could afford to move now and just pay a higher mortgage until this one sells, but the first and only downside of using our credit union in our 15 year history with it cropped up, they only do home loans within the county.  Car loans are statewide (so we were able to snag up our great deal, with was 25K less miles and $4k cheaper than any available in my town, everything in my town has a weird expensive bubble) but we can't get a home loan for new town.  They offered us an equity loan to use as a downpayment to try to help, but managing THREE home loans at once seems...out of control.  We're going to research options with commercial banks, but I doubt it will really happen and we'll probably just stick with the original plan of being trapped here til it sells.
    Hope everyone here is doing great and making all your dreams happen!
  20. Briannah
    So.  I'd been doing rather well mostly the last year or two medically, ever since that emergency surgery issue in 2015.  So...Cobra for insurance between Nikki's old job and new job is $875 a month.  We don't have that much extra money.  We just don't, even with the really nice raise new job has afforded us.  And of course, I develop a problem.  My stomach acid is trying to digest the rest of me.  Acid reflux gone crazy.  *headdesk*  I have to more months until there is insurance again.  And I'm REALLY hesitant to scrounge up the money to go to the urgent care, for fear of what the senate  is doing with the legislation and inadvertently getting a 'pre-existing condition' and having them repeal that protection and then I'm really in trouble.
    So in the meantime, trying to control it with life style changes as best I can.  I just ordered a $300 pillow.  Seriously. It's called a medcline, and if anyone else here has acid reflux, look it up and see if it's good for you.  I'm a side sleeper, so sleeping on a wedge is a big issue for me.  This medcline thing is a wedge, but it has a hole built in for your arm, which both holds you onto the wedge at night and comfortable gives your arm a place to go on the wedge, but also keeps you on the left side, which reduces the acids ability to escape.  Now I have to wait for it.  
    Changed my diet according to the recommendations, and it's slowing down the burning feelings, but this really sucks.  
    Either way, it's a good reminder to myself to not get complacent about what they are doing with medical care laws.  For me, this problem is temporary.  For millions of retail and food service workers for example off the top of my head, this is every day reality.  Someone asked me why I care so much the other day, when I have access generally.  And this is why, because I can't imagine not having a reasonable end date to being able to get help, and then in two more months being able to.  There is a real fatigue in following the political crazy, but it's important.  
    Love to you all, and I hope you're all in good health.  
  21. Briannah
    As a couple: We're good.  Our marriage is strong, and we've been doing a lot of study on interpersonal skills as well as how brains, both the male and female, work in social relationships.  Some of our issues and misunderstandings cleared up from a really good Ted Talk about the role of hormones and physiological gender differences in the brain.  We're learning to communicate better than ever, and when and how to have deeper talks.  I'm super excited that Nikki landed a really good job the day after a different company made a really insulting payscale offer(literally a little less than standard entry pay for his field, but they wanted all his skills and experience to even apply, and wouldn't disclose pay til way late, they knew it was bad).  That was messy.  Current corporation Nikki works at for six more days is launching a massive reorganization of his department in a few weeks and STILL have not told anyone if they have jobs, where they have jobs, and what changes they can expect in their pay scales (if they get shunted to other departments, there can be significant reduction in pay).  It's stupid and just another reminder that corporations really don't care about their employees in any meaningful way.  And they're all surprised that Nikki is jumping ship.  But this has led to us finally choosing where we're going to live once this place goes, and we have been spending freetime jaunting around chosen town getting to know it (well, he is getting to know the layout, my internal navigation is confused but I'm getting to know my choices even if my phone will have to tell me how to get to them).  The town pool has two amazing looking waterslides that I plan to hit up next summer (hopefully my house won't sit on the market for years, crosses fingers) from time to time in addition to time in my own pool.  The park is huge, got horribly lost in it.  There is a house I'm eying, good price nice big house.  Here's hoping, but I'm not getting attached, it's just one option.  We culled my zillow list hard due to unsuitable backyards.  The stairs I've whinged about came out amazingly.  Epic pinterest success instead of a fail!  Now we're working on painting things.  Oh, the smell of paint.  *gags*  But having a direction and choices has been great for us both.  This summer is not really cooperating with my pool, it's either really cool, or really astounding hot and storming like mad, and neither of us are into death in pool by electrocution as a great way to spend an evening.  The storms are also making the yard crazy hard to maintain, so Nikki's been busy in our backyard jungle.   We're struggling with mad mosquito craziness after several years of very little, vampire bugs are eating us.
    Nikki: Nikki has found confidence and comfort in himself despite continuing attacks on his state of being on the internet (the there is only binary male/female and if you move back and forth you're a liar sort) so Nikki's backed away from most things like that online.  He's focusing on his art, new job, life changes, love of movies, and doing whatever he wants while working with his therapist to continue to control the depression and has found a lot of peace with everything.  Some days it's full boy, some days full girl, most days a mix, but very very rarely is it a bad depression day if at all in the last several months.  So he's healthy again, and that is what matters most.  He's super proud to have gotten new job, which is both a promotion in duty and pay, and has been doing amazing work in the house.  At this point his depression is well controlled and Nikki's been pretty happy.  
    Me: Still fighting losing internal battle with the dismorphia and my family issues getting poked on a regular basis, but have regained my footing in my day to day life and my marriage.  People sometimes seem to think of marriage as disposable in a very real way, and even if I don't go into full disclosure and just gloss it over with 'there were secrets and we're rebuilding' and let them think he cheated on me or whatever they read into that, they're all astounded that I want to fix things instead of bailing.  And I think that is a partial factor of our societal marriage rates, but I like that we worked it out and all the secrets have been aired out and worked through.  I did have a stupid where I agreed to too much change for my personality in too short a time frame ,but I am surviving this and the more direction there is to work towards the better I feel inside.  My asthma has improved dramatically, so we are more and more active, and I expect it will further improve in new town, since it's about 90 miles south of here and well outta swampland.  I'm super excited to go to a new place and just do new things with new people.  My internal life in my house is wonderful, so next step is obviously to make the life outta the house match. : ) 
    Edited to add:  I'm really looking forward to getting away from Christmas decoration, lawnmower, and grill stealing neighbors and their creepy behavior>  WOOHOO!
    That's where a lotta stress, communication, therapy, education, new friends, old friends, and sorting out the important from the fluff and fixing health issues has taken us.  It's been a ride, and I'm happy so many people here shared in it and helped make it a bit softer on those bumpy tracks.  *hugs to all*
  22. Briannah

    Bad week.

    By Briannah,

    Having a crap week, and am going offline for a bit to sort it all out. 
    ​
    Last week I was feeling...odd.  Especially late at night.  Saturday night I felt really odd, and checked my fitbit, and had a crazy high pulse rate for laying down.  40 bpm above my usual resting rate doing nothing.  So after goofling symptoms off the er I want, were I spent the next five ours waiting to find out if I was having a heart attack, pneumonia, viral infection, acid reflux onset, or a mineral deficiency (and those can be extreme, scariest medical moment of my life as a mother was a magnesium deficiency from the stomach flu where my son literally could not control his body or move on his own, scary ride to hospital, then once the blood panel came back a magnesium iv set him back to normal like magic!).  So the winner is...acid reflux.  So now I take Prilosec generic stuff (and omg what is with the fizzy cough syrup tasting coating on these things?).  It must suck to be a doctor when five such varied causes all have the same symptoms really.  Doctor was lovely, and I'm okay now.  I'll still feel weird with the pulse rates for a bit, Prilosec stuff needs time to work. 
    Then today Murder Kitty was acting weird, and wrong.  So we took him to the vet, and came home alone.  My five year old murder kitty is gone, and I'm trying to process.  I always assumed this crazy cat would be there when Creed (15 and counting)  and Alita (10 years old this summer, pretty old lady dog) went, and just outta nowhere he's gone. MAYBE they could have saved him this time, but he could have re-experienced the issue right away and faced a lifetime of vet care (which he REALLY does not do well with, he lost his mind as usual so bad they had to sedate him fully to even examine him to find out what was wrong) and we can't turn his life into an endless battle royal of endless home and vet medical care he just won't tolerate.  So my Logan went to sleep.  And I miss my cat. 
    So everyone be well, I'm going to go sort through all the emotional turmoil of the week and focus on furthering my health and Nikki's mood, which is at an all time low after this week.  I'll be back after things are better.  *hugs for Emma and Monica on their new journeys!*
  23. Briannah

    Having a good day.

    By Briannah,

    Just spent the last hour having my hair painted with my favorite green dye to repair the damage from the sun, spa, chlorine pool, hot tubs, therapy tub, and sea on vacation.  There was a girl with pink hair tipped in purple and me with my green, and by the end of the week she was completely blond again and I was almost there, with just the front part clinging to the green.  Looked like deliberately done modern streaking through, so I was somewhat happy with that.  It's really relaxing to sit around having someone painting on your hair, to be honest.  Nikki wanted to try the brush technique instead of bottle and massage since that kind didn't go so well, although it did dye my computer room a lovely matching shade to my hair.  LOL  As expected from someone with painting experience, this went beautifully for both painter and paintee.   And as it's drying it's coming out really well, I'm thrilled. 
    The day is lovely too, it's a clear lovely day after a morning storm and around 83 degrees.  YAY SPRING!  Please stay spring, I'll be REALLY nice to you.  Totally.  I'm done with your sibling winter.  Nikki's cold/flu thing continues, but he's in much better spirits with the better weather.  Still only have a surprisingly light case of it myself, this is weird.  Usually I fall pretty to germs and he doesn't.  Once a few years ago a bug ripped through town, but targeted people with generally strong immune systems like Nikki and my bff but left those with weaker ones like me alone.  It was weird, and this seems to be acting like that. 
    Now I plan to spend the evening enjoying the scent of the Argan oil in my hiar (the dye uses it, smells really good) and killing things in my favorite mmo.  Bring on the cyberenemies! 
  24. Briannah
    SO it's my job to keep an eye on the housing market and come up with reasonable solutions for later, while Nikki full on job hunts and we work together on the actual physicality of packing and repairs.  So...he'll give me a city  he's found a potential job in and I yay or nay based on  housing prices.  But now I have looked at so so many that they have blended into one insane, nightmare of a house riddled with water damage, hideous pink bathrooms, strange flora outside that looks like it want to eat me, and weird inexplicable THINGS I can't identify that my brain hurts.  I am dreaming of bizarre and ugly houses now.  And, of course, getting lost in them.  I do have to say though my unconscious mind comes up with some awesome floor plans, that I can never remember when I wake up.   Cosmetic damage I can handle, water damage makes me really leery of getting involved.  You never know how that will play out long term in a structure.  Although in the one house I am legit confused how the dining room, in the middle of the house with no logical exposure to any of the piping whatsoever, looked like an aquatic bomb of some sort went off in it.  And the rooms above and to the sides are fine.  Just that one room.  Did they run a fountain or something in there???  And what exactly is the deal with people feeling the need to put a weird little wrought iron fence next to the door inside the house?  It just looks goofy.  And don't get me started on what I mistook for a stripper pole but realized was actually some sort of duct pipe from the basement to roof through both stories, that was odd.  One house had columns just hanging from the ceiling, like creepy wooden stalactites, but not touching the floor. I assume a base has somehow gone missing, that's all I got.  One looked like a crime scene happened and never got cleaned up.  And Ohio has a truly terrifying love of the pink, yellow, pink AND yellow, and yellow and hideous green bathrooms. And none of them done well, my eyes.  But unless I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow, I'm going to have to keep my eyes on potential 'this can be fixed down the line'.  I do draw the line at a pink bathroom though.  Just no.  And really just no to the one that wasn't the usual pastel bathroom pink, but some bizarre neon pink-magenta horror that I think should require the realtor person to offer sunglasses to show the house, or at least a warning incase buyers didn't look at the photos.
    And now we're in full on debate of the pool.  I get Nikki's point it's a lot of work if the house sells quickly to have put it up and then take it back down.  However, I also kinda feel it selling quickly is a sorta pipe dream and I don't want to be slowly baking away all summer either without my pool retreat.  One of those utterly stupid decisions you don't really know what the right one is til afterwards.  We don't have central air, only have small window units that sorta work in the computer room and the bedroom, so the pool is the main source of cooling down.  A quick dip in the water makes the summer heat feel reasonable for several hours at a time.  And our town pools have become ragingingly expensive.
    So Nikki met new therapist, and reports that she's easy to talk to and he's happy with her, so that is good. There's also hints that one on one therapy is winding down, on a monthly schedule now that most of the big issues have been worked through.  So maybe it's time to consider marital counseling.  We've been unable to work out some differences on our own, and it's really getting frustrating this 'whatever you want' and then getting mad about what I decided to do ongoing behavior.  And I TRY To find out what Nikki wants, but there is a real in ability to ever tell me he wants anything or offer up some kind of opinion to work with.  Personally, I think either he really truly has no internal wants or needs or his antidepressants aren't high enough to overcome the mental fog yet.  I can't tell which.  Can you sorta...hollow out after a few years of depression and just not come back even with treatment and meds?  I don't even know if my expectations are reasonable or if I'm wanting crazy things, but I'm tired of driving the bus and everything falling to me to decide other than a few big gesture choices (which how they happen then ends up to me to drive the bus on, even his part of the job hunting I've had to start helping out and scouring the net and e-mailing a list) versus a partnership  I know I'm the research gerbil, but either help me out a little or get me some carrots at least.  And yes, you better believe we have this conversation clearly, and often.  I'm not the wife type who whines to everyone but her spouse and then wonders why things don't get better, I tackle it first with him and then brainstorm for ideas/reality checks/empathy/wisdom/whatever comes my way.  I tried refusing to decide and waiting until he did some of it, but literally nothing happened but some tv watching.  For two weeks.  Till I couldn't take it anymore.  I hate tv.  ​Sorry, venting before I explode at my spouse I guess, unless someone has some useful advice, I'll make you cookies. ​  Have tried talking to him with every tactic I could think of, refusing to do it, trying to engage him in every step, just doing it myself, trying to get him to talk about it with his therapist, I got nothing left other than joint counseling it feel like.  But only after he's really done with his single, cant' float two bills right now.  ​ And you know, insurance companies don't value counseling like people do.
    I'm going to try to get some sleep now and snuggle up with my cat.  My cat probably makes neon pink bathrooms less ugly, he's a pretty cat. 
  25. Briannah
    So I was warm for something like 11 days.  10 really, the second day of the drive home was cold and insanely rainy and foggy depending on where we were.  Managed to not fry my skin or drown in the spa.  Seriously, that was nearly a thing.  We got the spa access package this cruise which we never do, but Nikki's injured back benefitted greatly.  So we tried new things.  Here's how that went, feel free to laugh. 
    ​1) Heated Ceramic Loungers - big ceramic lounge chairs designed by a chiropractor to help align your body properly and they are heated from within.  Being hard ceramic covered in pretty shimmery tiles sounds rather uncomfortable, but holy cow those were comfortable.  And warm.  So this only went a LITTLE wrong for me, as in...got stuck.  They are easy to get onto, but weirdly hard to get back off.  You have to push up in a weird way and the first day I couldn't figure it out.  Of course Nikki rescued me, laughing like a crazy person.  And mid week I might have fallen asleep and had to be woken up as I was snoring rather unfortunately. ​ Other than that they were easy to use, and I realized while I can't quite recreate the chiropractic curves to force the alignment at home, I can take a heating blanket on the recliner and recreate the lounge/heat effect for sore backs at home.  So that's a win.  Really did end up loving these warm comfy trap couches by the end of the week.  Nikki hates the heating pad, even with the cover the plastic part under it somehow makes the skin sweat a lot, and it moves around constantly, so I think this might be a better solution with the blanket/recliner.
    2) Dry Sauna - what it sounds like, a sauna room with no steam.  There was a little fountain emitting the pleasant running water sounds nad pretty.  The benches were the inner heated ceramic covered in shimmery tiles like the loungers, but shaped like normal benches.  The room was VERY warm and nice.  And you didn't have to be in a swimsuit to use this one, so it was nice after walking in the winds on the promenade.  Getting out was easy, just go through the door.  Until you realized the the door makes a dying walrus scream in the quiet lounger room and everyone is not glaring at you.  Really like this, and am aware it's possible to have one in a home, so must look into costs on this thing.  I might actually like one.
    3) Steam Sauna - Pretty much what you expect, but holy cow those were wet.  So very very wet.  It really felt like you were drowning trying to breath.  You could choose different scents for the steam by pushing some buttons, but I was too busy trying to get oxygen in with all the water in the air.  I thought maybe it was an issue with my lungs from the asthma, but Nikki has no such compromising damage to his lung tissue and he couldn't breath either.  So we are apparently not steam sauna people.  The feeling of drowning while sitting on pretty shimmery tiles with a pretty lovely sounding flower fountain was really disconcerting.   On the plus side, the door was quiet to this. No steam if I ever do get a sauna in my house, just no.  No more steam.  Another cruiser later said her spa gives you chilled wet washcloths for your face and that helps with the breathing thing, but I don't think I would like my face being covered like that.  I'll stay dry.
    4) Jungle shower.  So I paid for access to this stuff, I was gonna try it.  What could go wrong?  This was a shower in a circular wall of that pretty shimmery tile on just about everything else in this area, you're inside a column with part of an arc missing for a door.  You shower in your swimsuit, no doors.  There's a soothing green light in the top.  SO I'm in the warm shower, and notice there are buttons.  So what could go wrong?  I push the first button, and woosh!  A monsoon of cold water in the middle of my cozy warm shower.  I shriek because I'm that started and leap out, Nikki thinks I've burned myself, and busts out laughing when he realizes I just ran away from a little cold water.  In my defense it was a LOT of REALLY cold water.  So there is a second button, and now I'm really wary, but I push it anyway.   Maybe it's the warm jungle rain right?  Nope.  A whole bunch of little hidden nozzles drench me in icy cold fog.  So I am definitely not a jungle shower type of person.  Silly me thought maybe the buttons did light shows in the top, or jungle sounds or something.  Maybe aromatherapy jungle orchid scents or something.  It shoulda been called the surprise arctic shower.
    5) Hydrotherapy tub - this is a big tub, 3'9" deep, with water heated to the body temperature and filled with calcium and sea minerals.  There are three sections.  The first is a tall pipe you stand under, and it forces water in a flat sheet down on you, good for shoulders, neck, and back.  That went reasonably well, until the boat shifted suddenly and I got a face full, but easily corrected.  Then there is a metal circle in the middle with a small opening to get inside it, and what looked like a steering wheel in the middle that you apparently grab onto and hold.  The whole area works like a hot tub, with energy saving buttons, so as I was entering the metal circle in the middle of the pool it all shut off and Nikki went to push the button.  So I can see the buttons starting up from the holes in the floor in the metal circle, and I'm ready for bubbles.  Spa lady said this part was good for legs and hips.  Great, I have hip issues.  Bring it on!  Well, it did come on.  This REALLY strong bubblestorm rises up, and swirls around the metal circle.  I was on the far side from the start point, so I had a moment to contemplate this frothing mass coming at me.  Then it hit, and I was standing at some weird angle and managed to force all that frothing bubblestorm not to my hips, but strait up my body and into my face and I'm drowning myself standing up in a tub that only is a little over my waist.  Only me, honestly.  And before all these facial dunkings I had tied up my hair to keep it dry, that was funny.  NOw I look like a drowned rat with a crooked, odd updo.    ​But...once I figured out what I was doing wrong and altered my stance, it really did do wonders for the legs and hips.  Wish I had one of these things at home!  So now it's time to try the last part, this 'couch' of metal tubes (so the bubbles can come through) that puts you in a reclining position in the heated water.  Remember, I'm clumsy.  I managed to bang up my happily bubble massaged legs, hips, shoulders, and head trying to get on to this thing.  But I did finally get in position, and was less impressed.  So I just did the first two, and then sorta free floated in the water loosely outside the metal circle of face water attacking, because I cannot even tell you all how much that calcium and sea minerals did amazing things to our skin.  I had never felt skin so TOUCHABLE.  So very very touchable.  So I was sitting at dinner probably freaking people out around me by petting my own arm in awe. 
    So...I think it was more or less a success.    The ​treatments helped Nikkis back a lot, and I managed to use them without killing myself or ending up permanently trapped by them.  Which is kind a major victory for me.  WOOT!  So now I'm going to look at our local spa options and see what sorta lounger/sauna/tub options they have.  They can keep the jungle showers though.  But I was heated, relaxed, steamed, watered, and massaged within in inch of my life.  We possibly overused the stuff, but it was kinda addicting and easy to get to on a ship with the spa just a short elevator ride up.  It was on our side of the boat! 
    I have to figure out something to do with my hair though.  All the pool, spa, and seawater stripped out the dye really fast.  It's hard(so far impossible) to find permanent dye in the shades of green I favor, so I'm thinking getting a clear cassia (jic sorta like henna, doesn't chemically alter the hair but wraps it in a sheath of clear protection that slowly washes out) after I use the semi-permanent dye to protect it for a few weeks against being stripped out by the pool this summer.  I used to use it when I was younger, it made it incredibly shiny and soft, but stopped when I moved here as it's not easy to find locally, but I have located several online options.  Meanwhile, must hit the supply store tomorrow to get more green.   
    Side note: The current one I'm using has argan oil in it.  So I got a bottle of leave in conditioner with this argan oil (after I looked it up on Wikipedia to even know what this stuff is) and I'm totally a convert.  Argan oil is amazing for hair.  It won't work crazy miracles, but it has done wonders detangling my cotton candy hair and dealing with the bleaching damage.  Supposedly it also helps strengthen hair, but I don't have a lotta breakage issues so I can't really tell.   On Nikki it's done wonders reducing his somewhat unmanageable frizz into soft smooth waves.  I'm often late to the party on these things, but in case I'm not for once I wanted to share. 
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