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Kitrah

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About Kitrah

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    I like cooking, candles, decorating, baking, movies, and music.

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  1. Kitrah

    Gender Identity: the old term

    yea i got issues and i think when u at the bottom in survival, this visions on tv like having a house and inviting frineds over dont apply. thats for ppl who have make it beyond survival mode. im so stressed out when it come to ppl becaus a lot of this ppl are shady. beofre i move in here, my roomate was sexually assaulted in the front and dont report it. i guess the guy apologise next day and say hes sorry he was drunk or something. then there was the guy she try to help out and use the phone that pass out on the floor and we couldnt wake up. we had to call the police which was bad because now everone nos if something going wrong were the ones who call the law. and the guy she give a ride up the block who end up getting her followed by his ex who think they trying to have sex or something. so there is no friends. so yea, being able dress like i want and live here when shes told everone im a man, just puts me in the weird category.
  2. Kitrah

    Gender Identity: the old term

    its just the situation im in. just venting out. i no i read lot of people saying good things and that great but a lot of ppl need to hear some of this real issues that come along w transtion. i no a lot of ppl get stuck becaus of this reasons. fortune or misfortune, being trangender all on both sides.it has a damage effect on me and my life. so while younger ppl may be able to just do it, its harder for me. its hard to keep up both sides and continue to act for other ppl's acceptance. this one of the rason why i think i continue to see a therapist. for a lot of this reason, it is harder to dress female. its more expensive. more maintain. not everone have the resources and then find out there trans and move toward same end. another example. my roomie is very loud and obnoxious. and she alway telling me to speak up. she knows im not secure w my voice regardless if its passing or not. i dont like to project it. i dont like to be loud. im try to avoid this position of me having to be a dominant party in chats. she nos what shes doing. she pushes the buttons becaus it make me look stupid and she can just tell everone im crazy. i no that by her continue to intro me as a man, it makes harder on me and she nos w hat shes doing. she does it on purpose. no matter how much times we talk about name change, she wont even try. and when she do try its sarcasm and eye rolling which make me feel inferior. so i say that my mood fluctuate based on the bs she puts me thru not because im having mood swings from hormones. just act normal. stop being a baby so i can get some self esteem and be productive. i just have to go back and forth over and over and over. then when i pass out, she have some other project lined up for me to do. some other need to be met.
  3. Kitrah

    Gender Identity: the old term

    you no longer get diagnose with GID. its gender dysphoria. I am constantly have to live 2 identities. One is who i am. The other is who i have to be for everone to be comfortable, for my safety, and for my benefit. this is reason for me to go out as a man and no other. and for me this is the hardest part about my transition. its not the hormones its not dressing like a girl or anthing else. just the fact that i alway been a loner and now i have to try do it as a female. girls whove been sexually assaulted and raped will sometime dress like men for their protection and it have nothing do with passing, its fact that guys dont want to mess w someone who is girl that mirror themself. the biggest set back in all this is when others dont even try to respect your decision and will try to flip the table for this to be a mental disorder or anthing but the obvious. not all cases of transgender patients have to do with mental illness. Sometimes the mental illness have to do with trying to live two identities in one body. its overwhelming difficult to keep up with. i lose the energy a lot. im depressed cus i cant be who i am. my mind constantly have to use my gender as a mode with a switch instead of natural congruency. one of the biggest limiting factos for all my projblems have been money. coming from poor areas of life, i learned to hide who i am and just work the job. i did this for money and to be able to work. when i find myself focus on this issues of my life, yes it is one of most difficult thing to come to term with. i wish i had that option when i was 18 even. i never felt worthy of a good job. i will alway just do what they tell me to do. when your livelihood is this, thats what u do. i just couldnt do it anmore. my mind was starting to crack. it became real hard to maintain both, with one being an illusion an actor a facade and the real self just corralled this small genie bottle in my head. becaus of my limited skills and experience for doing anthing and lack of money, i just get tossed down w everone else who doesnt have this things. im a quiet person. i hate attention most times but i no im looking for something more. i dont want to feel like my best option is to do online adult entertainment, porn, or sex work. and this seem to be what i think a lot of transgirls do when theyre poor. they want the surgey and they going to do whatever it takes to get it. what im saying w all this, is my strength was in the wrong identity if its a lie, and im forced to try work w be trangender my job market descrease in size. since im not at 100% comfort and feeling secure as woman im still deal with even more stress and this things other people need to unerstand becaus this have been this biggest obstacle. this is what causes all this weird behavior to manifest all the time. and this is why im constant depressed. the world is not going to stop to rotate and say this person needs help. it keeps on spinning and i continue to live as a dependent for someone else who thinks i dont real need money becaus i will just waste it or leave them. so it s ok for them to succeed but nothing change for me. i cant really be taken serious because i constant feel like if i get to liberal im going to be homeless again. ive done this bouncing around for so long, couch surfed for so long, and now im in my 40s. i dont have kids. i dont have skills for using in a job. i have a degree thats outdated becaus i took my dads advice and when he said "be a trucker" i did it. i dont no why but i keep attracting this dominant women who want to push me around and argue w me when all i real want at this point is my own space and the ability to say no and not compromise ever f----ing time. i been called all the names they dont bother me. but u no sometimes i wonder what its like to live w out these shackles on to do what i want w out being monitored 24/7, w being left just enough resources for survival and thats it. i keep thinking thing will change if i just keep waiting and do more of what im told but it just make me angrier. becaus i no the minute the situation was changed and if i had the financial resources, i woulnt stay in here. id do it alone. im not talking about hand me down or pity money. im talking about job opportunity, not a porn actress. someting i can do. live as a woman as your gender. lol. i done home maker for long time. but funny that doesnt get counted. only the fashion show and runway model get the attention and only a skirt count as being passable. when your someone's moon in life and even if its not romantic, you rely on them for everthing. its a constant battle for existence. at times im at such low points. any progress i make cant just be like tide coming in and out. i get emotional about this. i cry. i think back on all the mistakes i made i try to imagine if i transitioned 20 years ago. i live in this place. its all i have. its only thing that keeps me going sometime. but i guess the big thing is, when someone say they dont believe im trangender or im not going pass and that someone is the earth i depend on to survive, yea its hard to take. i ekep try to be who i am cus im the moon. my rules are different. who im am where i sit make sense but for everone else im an airhead. im not saying im stupid, just that i live in my dream so much reality takese second seat for my coping w this expeience. thank for reading this.
  4. Kitrah

    Awareness

    yea i think that ppl think that just because trangender is on the headlines that its ok and acceptable and most time its not. some of us are forced to just adapt to environment and cant be who we are. it sucks becaus i feel like im alway going to be trapped in this. i go back and forth between confindent and security minded. i try to relax but i no the state of my life and where im at. its hard to try move byond this. having to go back and forth between two identities is hard but i do it because i dont want to get killed. it bother me a lot. my friend say its ok to just be a girl, but my confidence goes from high to low quick if someone say something. half the time i forget to act like a man when im dressed like one which im sure come off strange to ppl but that my inner confidence coming out. i feel like im in this halfway state at all times a hybrid and i hate it. no one will say anything to me. tonight i went to the store and this two guys were talking and get quiet and then one of them like, no thats a f----ing girl. and i just kept walking but then i come back to my neighborhood and my roomie has told everone im a man so i have to dress the part here and it make me uncomfortable espeically when she want to talk about my laundry items outdoors with the neighbors listening. top it all off, now im having the breasts which great except summertime coming and i dont no how that going to go over with everone thinking im a man where i live.
  5. Kitrah

    girl jeans

    ​ ​I haven't wear boots yet. but yea i like them. if they got heels i will be scared to fall. lol. ​well im glad i make the change and yea they fit much better. i love them. i notice that sometimes this girls will stare at me and yea that make me uncofortable. ​i like stretch material and they the ass look much better. lol. ​well im alway thinking about safety so when i think jeans it make more sense. yea sometime i see girl in dress but most time they wearing jeans. so i notice it more. and it fit in better. you no, theres not girl walking around wearing long pink dress everday but maybe for fantasies only. i hate womens hats to. i just like to feel natural not sex object. its additive tho. im wanting more clothes.
  6. Kitrah

    girl jeans

    so i converted to girl jeans now. my ass dont fit right in the boy ones no more. its strange because i been getting weird looks when im out now but i feel ok. im not freaked out like prob i going to be in dresses. so i think this good style for me. now i prob need to get some boots. my legs sort suprise me to. i havent notice that i walking different now i guess it just happen. im seeing more of me everday so thats nice. hope everone have a great time. i never think i would do it but i get very tired an angry wearing the boy jeans all the time.
  7. Kitrah

    Experiences

    Hi girls. Yea I do like computers obvious. Much my skills is make things in blender and video effect or photoshop. I do try to take game design course also for 3D animation that I like. Part this problem w me is I am stuck I’m not good at focus or I start feeling I’m not going make it and give up. People get tired of hearing the crying and move on. The trans issue make it hard focus because I’m always think what will happen. When I start with worry then just get worse that I end up not do anything because I don’t want be in this situation. So I am having constant talk w myself since there’s no one and when I’m calm that when I can focus. I also in middle of transition and the changes is obvious. So I just try stay away until it’s done. Maybe everone go thru this different but it make me uncomfortable and I can’t function. I just freeze. I want to try go back to college but then I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t pick what I want because always I just get what other don’t want. Sure anyone can say big things but I know I’m not doing that. That why I still see my therapists. Cuz I’m like scratched record. Some part make sense that the other part warped. But I keep trying. I don’t give up.
  8. Kitrah

    A good day

    Thx me to. That was good day but I decide not make chicken instead what I make was homemade chicken pot pie.
  9. Kitrah

    A good day

    Today been good day so far. I haven’t had anxiety attack or depression. So that’s good. I decide to paint my nails so I’m feeling good. I don’t no why that guy put that sign in his window. I try not pay attention to thing like that but it was hard to miss it take up the whole window. So I worried about it but nothing happen. Maybe it the same person who put the orange in the yard. But yea this things are scary because I don’t know what they going do and if they stalk me online. It’s not fun and that why I don’t wear the dresses outside. I think I’m going make chicken tonight.
  10. Kitrah

    Experiences

    The money situation prevent that.
  11. Kitrah

    Experiences

    After writing about get the mail someone put sign in the window of apt in front of mailbox that sat I SEE YOU. This what I deal with. It just do more on anxiety
  12. Kitrah

    Experiences

    sometime I wish my experience wasn’t what it is. It make me uncomfortable and isolated. But it also make me think this way. There so many time I wish I had better life and get to just be who I’m. So I try fix this. Same puzzle it don’t change and same missing pieces. No matter how many time put together. All I can do is imagine. What this look like. Fill in details and stare at what’s there. I try fit in society. Try live peaceful and not get upset. All I can do try. But when ppl can’t see it, it frustrate me. I get anxiety at times I can’t even get the mail or I just avoid social situation that might upset me. I feel lost and I no I’m become problem for society. I’m not going have nice things or car or own place. So all I can do is think this isn’t happening. I no inside things r not good but It really hurt my family not there. I want better life but I can’t see way to go there. That why when time I start see changes. It make me confident. I try to be fixed and have new life cuz this have been the only thing I did for myself.
  13. Kitrah

    stalkers

    hi girls. yes. i see a therapist and yes there aware of the issue. it changes little about how i feel about this things like the internet. that why i dont talk on voice or try share personal things. it does affect me deeply and im trying be more open but i cant go thru this again.sometime i want share a lot but i no that not alway best way.
  14. Kitrah

    stalkers

    My mind never same. Ever since was stalked, my mind never open same way. im on alert alway looking for danger and try to make sure my ex who online dont know where im at or what i doing. almost 10 year of this now and when she thinking she going get in trouble now she just recruit her unerage daughter do it for her. things get quiet and then find myself want to share things and i cant. some ppl cant deal with u say no to them its just game me play hard to get. whatev. it terrorise me. im scared. it not fun. i cant go out. not my fault u life so bad but u have destroy me mental. my confidence in myself gone. your fake account and ex friend u use.. make sure i get nothing or no one. everone like just forget about it forget about u. but i no u still watching. u dont want no one have me. just say what u want make all them leave. so many time i wish u will go to prison. so many time i wish u will go to far. i cant have social media without u mess w it. thing so bad u do that fbi have to go see u. u just lie like u alway do. now when strange thing happen, ur the one im seeing. u all use me and my secret keep me do what u want but u break me. force me be girl im not ready be. say your not going tell no one. fuck u. now everone no. but i going get fix. im not prise u get to keep for being bad. u dont get have me. im not for u. im happy forget to no u. just let me go.
  15. Kitrah

    Maybe

    So I guess I been fighting flu maybe pneumonia for past few weeks and final starting to clear. I alway feel like something more to do but I been so tired. Just ended a friendship today. I’m tired of people giving this emotionless set of direction on what I need be doing. Rather than see myself go in circle against brick wall I just say I’m done. Don’t call no more. If u can’t be heard what the point. If your views so different why keep fighting. It been quiet rest of day. The person I live w I can’t share thing with cuz they not listening half the time so it’s pretty much been bad day. I realize I’m trapped in a situation that making transition not fun and making me hate being force back into male role and male idenity. I find myself isolating more. I can’t seem identify or pull myself together so I spend time fantasize about girl in my head who I want be if I not living this life. I think about be reincarnated is it going be right next time. Am I going have friends. Or is going be another empty life. My goal this life just simple. I want full transition and fully dress as woman all time and be par of society with my own relationship. Someone I like and like thing I do. I pretty much all girl. I just want to get surgery over w so can heal and have normal life. I don’t want this be some weird thing. If I have be alone I chose itmover be w someone who like yea your not a real girl. Cuz I am. I just have keep play this male role cuz it make everone comfortable. It not mattering it doesn’t fit or I look adrgynous. Only that I man up. Sorry I’m not loud rude big mouth who walk around scratch belch fart.
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