Very nice Emma! I like that quote 😊 I read a blog post at the beginning of my transition that stopped me in my tracks. This girl transitioned from mtf and after 6 years she had some questions. Her transition on a physical level was very successful, she looks great and passes well. She also transitioned very quickly. She had all the surgery’s, name changes and adjusted her life to be seen as a woman. Moved to her dream location and is involved with the community. She found herself asking some questions about life because she wasn’t happy. Her statement basically: I always felt like a girl pretending to be a boy before I transitioned, now after many years of changes and hard work the world sees me as a female. This is what I always dreamed of but I am not truly happy. I am full of anxiety and stress which is debilitating at times. I find myself asking the question, am I now just a boy pretending to be a girl? Did I just switch the roles? I will truly never be an actual female or have the full life experience of being female. So, what am I really doing?
Well like I said this caused me to pause and think. I have been pondering that ever since. Overtime I became ok with being me in this process. I am not a true women, I am not a true man in the general sense. I’m both I guess, I am me. Yes, I feel that mentally I am female and will make changes to my male body to give my brain what it needs. I am larger, more then just my body though, I have a soul and this soul wants to experience physical life. That is who I truly am, a soul. I am extremely lucky to get this opportunity to be free of all the other things that bind us, I am awake, aware. I will have struggles with how I interpret this life but that’s is just by me and necessary. I will grow from all of it. I am not locked into a box anymore of trying to be something, male or female, dad or mom, son or daughter, friend or enemy. I am just me. I am free, truly free. How many people can say that and mean it? What a gift! If I want to pass either way then cool and I’m not bound to someone else’s box. (Except with my wife’s but I made that bed and will give her the space she needs) I don’t need validation from others about who they think I am. On the outside. Do I desire it at times? Sure but I recognize it for what it is and move past it fairly quickly these days. That has taken years of practice. Of course I’ll ask questions about how I look and what people think of my changes. I’m a curious creature. What I really desire (deep down) is for them to see the true me, my soul. I would like to be excepted on the outside appearance of what my soul is expressing but I also know that most of the people in the world are searching for themselves as well, they are struggling too. It’s just not obvious to me at times. The eyes are the window to the soul and the people around me can see right into my soul if I let them. (Even someone standing next to me in line at the store) Easier said than done at times but I try, always trying. I push my fears aside (sometimes with a dust up) and when I am having a hard time I ask the people in my life who have truly seen my soul for help. I have let my therapist see right into my soul and she has let me see right into hers. This provides a great benefit to the both of us and is why we enjoy each other’s company so much. It also has helped the therapeutic process tremendously. I have met her daughter outside of therapy. It’s beautiful. It’s a symbiotic relationship.
I was talking with 2 transgender people last night that are around 19-20. Married Collage students. They have sooo much pain in their lives trying to be excepted, trying to change the way society sees transgender people, trying to change their school. They are not at peace with in themselves and are angry at sooo many people. They spew hate all over the place. They feeling justified. They are constantly searching for a safe zone or fighting for more safe zones. They think they know how the world should be and unless they get everything they want they will never be truly at peace with themselves. This is normal for any young person and when you throw gender issues on top of it things get more complicated. I offered them help to solve a problem that they have been complaining about for 9 months. I could easily elevate the struggle for them but they refuse my help without refusing it. I think this struggle gives them a sense of identity so if it was solved.... well, they would most likely find another one. Never ending list of struggles. I have great compassion for them because I have been there and will continue to help how ever I can. It’s not a healthy way to live but that’s just my opinion.
I have chosen to see Anxiety as a barometer for my life. I know for myself that if I am feeling anxious about something, that is my “soul” “the universe “ “god “ “mother nature “ (call it anything you like) trying to tell me that I need to pay close attention to whatever it is that I’m doing at that moment. I look for the real meaning, the truth behind the truth. So, what am I ? A soul, spirit or what ever you’d like to call it, having a human experience and I’m going to enjoy it without the weight of the world on my shoulders as best I can. I will laugh at myself and my mistakes knowing that there is a bigger picture. I enjoy searching for answers to questions about the world knowing I may never find them. That is life to me. I am a full time world explorer. 😊 I will enjoy the time I have on earth and if there is nothing after this life well... I will never know it. BUT, my time here will have been a more pleasurable experience. An authentic one of what it means to be me. I will waist no more time (or marbles) focusing on the wrong things, people or places. I’m so glad you posted this. I have only seen you as a mentor with knowledge that you graciously pass on to others. A woman to your core with a big heart and I would bet my life that I’m correct. A good man in your past. Still a giving loving person to your ex-wife. I have a caring love and respect for you even though we have never truly met. If you ever asked for my help I would do what I could to help you. This post let me see into your soul just a little bit more and I am grateful for it. The photo of you is beautiful and so are you.