Christy

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About Christy

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/15/1976

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  • Gender Transgender
  • Location Florida
  • Interests Tennis, Painting, Shopping, Music, Yoga, Scuba, Golf, Snowboarding, Skiing, Hiking, Motorcycles, Movies

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Christy's Activity

  1. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in
    After a tough week I had turned the corner once again and I was feeling really good about my transition mentally & physically. So, I was very excited to go to a trans group meeting very close to where I live. I haven't been to this meeting in some time and was looking forward to meeting new people as well as a couple that a friend told me about. I have one friend that I met at the first trans group meeting and we talk/text on a regular basis. We have a nice relationship helping each other sort out our difficulties, bouncing thoughts off each other and celebrate the good things in our lives. He (FTM) has been to some of the meetings that I missed and was excited for me to meet a transgender girl that he has befriended. They have been spending time together with their families. He said that she would possibly be a good resource for me as she is a bit farther along in her transition and is still married to her cis gender wife. (same as me). So, I was really excited to meet this person. Their were 2 other people there that I haven't met yet and they are much younger then myself (18ish). One is a trans girl and she seems sweet. The other is a trans male and is also very sweet. They are married which surprised me a bit only because they are so young. The meeting started late because the gender therapist who hosts the group was in a meeting in the back. We all talked for about 30 mins about this or that while we waited and it was very nice and pleasant. When the person my friend told me about arrived I introduced myself and she said hello but was kind of stand offish. I guess I expected her to greet me differently as my friend has told her about me (he asked me first if he could). I was a little thrown off by that but no big deal, people have their own stuff going on and she looked like there was something on her mind. Oh, well...on with the meeting all is good and I felt comfortable. The therapist tries to start the meeting but keeps pacing back and forth between the window and the group. She says she is looking for someone who might show up late. I'm not sure how or who started the conversation but almost immediately the topic & tenner went to politics and became toxic. Negative energy filled the meeting, even the group members that didn't want to be in this negative conversation were drawn into it. I bit my lip and attempted to get in a zone of non-judgment but the negative energy was growing. I was starting to shift around in my seat. The topics went from Trump, insurance companies, Low Pride turn out, Haters, lbgt struggles, crapy employers, bad primary care physician's , ignorant endocrinologist's, misinformed psychiatrist, the horrible congress, Trump, Obama, Clinton, Comey back and forth on and on. All negative. Every time the negative energy seemed to fizzle and the group became quite the therapist was there to throw another log on the fire. Almost as if she enjoyed getting everyone fired up and ready to protest or something. Is this why I'm here? I feel like crap! I want to be happy! Help!!! Personally, I make a tremendous effort in my life to refrain from negative actions, thoughts and people. All while trying really hard to think of others, to be aware of my ego and my surroundings. I work on it but I am only human. Everything happens for a reason in life so I was trying to see why this was happening and if I could help or learn from it. I couldn't stay any longer though, it just became too much and I started questioning everything about transitioning again. I was falling quickly backwards mentally. Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally? Crap. I need to find a new group. There is NO way I will survive in this group or want this in my life at all. Zero. Intellectually, I understand that some people have had past experiences that can effect their view of the world. I have spent many years helping people get sober and working with them to get through a boat load of issues. It's some of the most important and gratifying accomplishments of my life so far. To see a person come from the depths of hell to the light of life is tough to put into words. The ripple effect that this transformation has on family, friends and the world is astounding to witness and feel. I am truly honored to be a part of it. I was about to excuse myself from the meeting but as my weight shifted forward to stand my friend spoke up. He asked if we could change the tone of the meeting "Can we get off this negative stuff?". Awesome timing. The therapist agreed and we went around the room letting each member talk about how they are doing. Great. But (yes there it is) the therapist would not stop adding or relating or disparaging someone or something in a negative way. The group was fine, productive, talking and learning about each other when we were controlling the flow of the conversation (great energy). There is something wrong with the therapist and I have my own ideas about that but that is none of my business. I left the meeting feeling like crap and I needed to talk to someone but it was late at that point and my friend was busy so I went home thinking I might do some reading. When I got home my wife was up and had a ton of things that she needed to talk about so I listened and tried to help if I could. We had a nice talk. I went to bed exhausted but I had a bad nights sleep. As I went through my day today I thought about last night and wondered what my future might look like, knowing things will change. Then I thought of the 2 younger people I met and what was said by everyone in the group. It was all really good, positive and inspiring in many ways so I called my friend to talk about it. We both felt the same way about the meeting and also affirmed our gender identity in very similar ways to each other. We had a great conversation. This is his therapist I am talking about and I think she has her net wrapped around him and he knows it (he needs the letters from her), but that is for him to decided $$$ . So, what did I learn. That trans gender people are stronger than I knew, that we all have this common issue that brings us together in an understanding that others truly can't understand. It's a lot like an AA group in that way really. We don't judge each other. We care about and truly want to help each other. Sure, there are always going to be different points of view on life but that's okay. Heck that is what makes life exciting. If everyone was exactly the same, life would be dull. Even Transgender therapists can try and throw shit at us. The younger generation has such a great grasp on who they are and who they want to be. They are organized. They need our help. The older trans community has wisdom. That I underestimated people. Good and bad. That I am truly unique and the same in so many ways. I will not be putting myself back in that therapists arena again. I need to reach out to other trans people no matter how old. I asked myself last night "Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally?" No, that was just a bad nonprofessional therapist (IMO) the people who are transgender are much more. I am very thankful that I didn't leave that meeting before I was able to hear from the group (when the energy was better). I'll just have to keep on learning and we will see where that takes me.
    Don't hate....love....find it.....it's there waiting.
    Christy
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  2. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: Who Are You?   

    "Passing never even crosses my mind."
    Thanks Alyna58,
    I wish it didn't matter to me but nope. That was probably the first question I thought of. Makes me think........uhmmm.
    I do try my best to enjoy life, but not everyday is roses and that's okay by me. I guess not recognizing myself caught me off guard so I wrote about it. It did send me into a tail spin for awhile. That has passed (I think) and new questions have popped up so I'll write about those as well. I do have to admit that passing seems to be a big issue for me right now, but that may change in the future, only time will tell. I like to ask questions, it helps me work through issues better and most of the time someone brings up something that I never thought of. One small step at a time.
    Have a fun day!
    Christy
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  3. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: More on that   

    Thanks Monica!
     Yes I have been getting caught up in some negative thinking. I try to get myself back on track but it can be hard at times. Meditation does help but I have a strong case of the monkey brain right now and not enough time to just sit. I need to make the time. I’ve been trying to do too much for others so I will take some time for me this week. 
    Christy
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  4. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Tough week.
    This week started out pretty good. Went to the beach with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. They stayed with us for a couple of days and everything went well. I was nervous (they don’t know I’m trans) but they are good people and we had fun. The kids all had fun as well. Then after they left I went downhill mentally and started to feel like transitioning was all wrong. I tried to get myself out of it but the blues just kept coming back. Life was gray and I was just trying to make it through the day. I was exhausted early in the day and unmotivated to engage in life. I was starting to feel the need to distance myself from trans friends that I really like. Boy clothes seemed more comfortable to wear. My mind was busy trying to explain everything, after all I just had a great weekend. I was utterly convinced at one point that transition was not for me. I spent the next couple of days coming up with another plan for my life but I still kept taking hrt and dressing a tiny bit girly. I will stay on hrt until my next Endo appointment (14 days) to see how my levels are and get a longer supply of hrt. I wanted to have a supply of hrt just in case I changed my mind. I just kept going to work and taking care of the kids but I was getting really blue. I felt like a zombie. Then I read Elsa’s blog and  I just love the way she talks about herself as 2 separate people sharing the same body. It makes perfect sense to me because I have been having letting them battle each other for years. Without knowing it!!! Dam. I had never thought of talking about myself in that context before. I have always thought since I was very young that a female spirit would enter my body at times and try to take over. I would even ask or demand that she leave me alone and go away. I had an older sister that past away right after birth a year or two before I was born. So, I figured it was her messing with me and then when I was older I thought maybe I was really her all along. I was a girl born for a very short time and then re born again but in a boy body this time. Someone missed the memo!  She’s pissed 😠. I’m pissed 😤. We are pissed 😡. Man is this all confusing and how the hell do you talk to about this. Who could understand this? I can’t even understand it. But something has always told me “you are on too something here “. Not sure but.........uhmmmm. My mom told me that I had an imaginary friend when I was young and his name was mick s. I have no memory of that at all but apparently I would spend a lot of time with him. I would talk to him as if he was standing right in front of my parents. It freaked them out a bit. My mom said that I knew that they could not see him and it was “ok”.  Then one day I stopped. I don’t remember anything about it. So, when I read Elsa’s post it all clicked and I started thinking about things that way again . As 2 people. This morning I got up before the sunrise and sat in the faint light talking to the 2 of me. I asked him to let her have today. I looked down at my legs and saw pretty girly legs, hips, waist and chest. All the gray/blue feelings slowly lifted and I said thank you. I feel back on track with life and I’m excited to talk with these 2 a bit more. It goes along the 2 spirit philosophy of Native American culture which I have been drawn to for many years. Wow life sure is interesting. Luv liv learn and we will see what happens.
    Christy 
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  5. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: More on that   

    Emma I am happy for you to have your voice! I have been working on that and can see some light at the end of the tunnel. My female voice has popped out on its own a couple of times. It has been a tough week mentally for me. 
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  6. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: My inner battle, Elsa v William   

    Nice quote Emma! Elsa thank you for sharing that. I have been in a funk for the last week. It slowly grew over time without me realizing it. I was seriously thinking about my transition. I had strong feelings that this was all wrong and that I was just a selfish person. I have to stop. Somehow. Life slowly became gray. I lost almost all ambition for work and family. I was just existing trying to make it through the day. “Maybe I will feel better tomorrow “ I said. But no...until I read your post. This is exactly what was happening to me. The boy was taking over and I was on a path that leads to a place of depression. I’ve been there and do not want to go back.  Thank you. I like thinking about myself as 2 people battling for control. Makes sense to me. 
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  7. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: More on that   

    Ok I just redid the blog it should have everything. 
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  8. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    More on that
    So, the last blog was cut off somehow but I’m not sure what the heck I did so I’ll try to remember my thoughts. The judgements I was saying to myself went something like this after seeing myself in the mirror. Early morning.... “you look like hell” or “you look great “or “who are you female or male”. The feeling of not recognizing myself for a second is really disconcerting and sends a dull dread through the core of my body. It’s a kind of ughhh feeling. The look that popped onto my face was very much like the look I get from people when I think I’m being clocked. It is also the same look from friends that haven’t seen me for a while. I had to ask myself “am I clocking myself!” I guess I was in a way. Didn’t see that coming. It also has helped me understand the way people react initially. The feeling of dread became overwhelming and fear started taking over. Thoughts like there is no way I can move forward, I can’t handle this, I better stop now, what the hell am I doing! I have let this steer the course of my life for years but this was on a different level. So, what to do.... wait, remember and stay quiet in the mind. I have to go backwards in my head remembering exactly what and how I felt for my entire life. Now comes the tricky part. There were times in the past where I was fine with my gender and the dysphoria was not there. Maybe I was preoccupied with other things? Maybe Hormonal balance was different or something with my body chemistry. I just don’t know and maybe never will. What I do know is that generally I am much happier these days and much healthier as well. So, after staying calm about all this l decided to keep being me and not worry about everything. I’m a good person so let’s just stick with that for the time being. Since I wrote the first part of this my mind has calmed down and I feel good. Today I’m going to the beach with some friends who are in town (this should be interesting) and I have no idea what will happen but I know exactly who I will be. Me. Oh and by the way when I looked in the mirror today I did recognize the girl looking back. What a fascinating experience. I am lucky. Stay sweet girls and think of me bouncing around on the beach 🏖. LOL.  
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  9. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Who Are You?
    Who are you? Who am I? What am I? What am I going to be?......As I sit here with some time on my hands this thought came to mind. How would I describe myself too myself if I didn't know me. Yes, that is kind of crazy in a round about way but it is the exact question I have been asking myself lately. At times I will look in the mirror and I for a second not even recognize myself. This seems to happen the most when I first wake up. Making my way in the dark towards the coffee pot I sometimes catch an unexpected glance from a stranger in the full length mirror. I usually stop for a second to look closer, trying to see the me I am used to seeing. This takes a moment for me, to see me, and then I start making judgements upon myself as if I where someone else. Crazy? No.?.?. The judgments are something along the lines of "good lord you look like hell" or "Do I look female or male?" or "wow you look good" (although that comment usually isn't in the morning). Anyway I slice it, the feeling of not being able to instantly recognize myself is really unsettling, causing a dreadful dulling of my spirit. It's in the pit of my soul so to speak. A kind of ughhhhhhh I don't like this at all. What am I doing???Where am I going???? Oh! No! I better stop this crazy ride Jane!!!! But time will pass, I will see the future me, maybe a glimpse in the mirror, some naturally occurring expression, mannerism or feeling and I will let out a ahhhhh everything is going to be okay. The other thing I thought of is that when I look into the mirror and don't see me right away. The expression on my face is very similar to the ones on people clocking me. I think I might be clocking myself!! What!?!?...Is that even possible?? I must say thank the good lord that I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh. Don't take yourself to seriously. I hope you laugh today.
    Christy
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  10. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: More on that   

    Hello girls,
    i think it’s because I haven’t re registered after the site was updated. Maybe. I will try that later today and see if that works then I will re post the blog. Feeling just a little blue today. 
    Christy 
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  11. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: Reconciling my Male and Female Personas   

    I love that point of view! I never thought about it like that before. You have just inspired me to start writing again 😁. Thank you for sharing this with us. 
    Christy🧘🏼‍♀️
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  12. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: More on that   

    Thanks Emma! I think the blog getting cut off has something to do with my computer or phone. It is all there when I’m on the computer but not on the phone. I posted those from my laptop. I will look at it later when I have time. I’m glad this mirror thing is common (I think) I figured that it was. After all we are changing. It made me think of others as well. Someone who is injured in a car accident or a soldier in battle etc. waking up to see someone else or not even being able to see yourself at all would be really hard (at least we know why). I definitely have a better understanding now. 
    Christy
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  13. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: Having doubts.....   

    Thank you girls! I really appreciate your comments, they help a lot. It makes me feel more connected in a way and I think about the suggestions you’ve all made. I will try to work them into my life. I have a saying that I read/say everyday. “Life is about the people the rest is just stuff” if I could have everything in life that I want but couldn’t share it with anyone. What would it be worth to me? “Stuff” is nether Good or bad it just is. It’s the value that I place on it which determines what it means. The people are my window to the world. 
    Have a fun day
    Christy
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  14. Christy added a comment on a blog entry: Having doubts.....   

    Thanks Emma! It always good to read some great feedback. I do watch Dara’s videos and plan on getting the book. They have helped me a great deal. I’m not sure if I would be where I’m at without it. I did some work and went to yoga, had lunch and guess what.... I feel pretty dam good. lol. I’m not sure where or how far this journey will go but I’m going to enjoy it. I also think that I was living in a bubble so to speak and the trip to Orlando kind of popped it for me. I have created a safe zone if you will and know what to expect pretty much. I have been expanding my world little by little but up there I had zero support. This shows me what I need to work on. Thanks again. 
    Ps. I am still having trouble with non binary pronouns. My brain keeps fighting back or something. Weird. 
    Christy😍
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  15. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Having doubts.....
    After my trip to Orlando I have been doubting my transition. I am sure being clocked left and right didn’t help much but I think this is something different. A deeper fear. I have some friends coming into town for a visit and I am a bit nervous about how that will go but we will see(they are good people). I will just be me and roll with the flow thinking of others first. I will take care of myself of course and talk with my therapist. Maybe it was or is just a combination of things that happened to make me wonder if this is what I really want. I was thinking about the long term trying to picture what life would be like and didn’t see a future that I liked. I was alone, not passing, ugly, family and friends staying away from me and bitter about it. This is all in my head, I know that I will feel differently later today probably and that the future is really a mystery that I can help shape. Maybe it’s the hrt giving me a ride on the swing set forcing me to take a look at my fears that are still there just underneath the skin of this confident growing girl. I just don’t know & I don’t need to know. I was seeking something on this last trip but I’m not sure what it was. Maybe my expectations were to high for Orlando. Not sure. I have been here before feeling this way and it will change, I will be here again and it will change, so for today I’ll give myself a break and just be me. 
    Christy😍
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