Content tagged 'transition'
Found 14 results
By Natalie, postedEver wondered what it takes to get on a bus? The fears and scary parts explained and how eventually I overcame them. For some this is not a problem, those with the strongest of characters who really want the world to know about who they are, but for many integrating and becoming the person you really are without any fuss and bother it's a different story.
Many years ago the first hurdle apart from the big step of going out of the front door as the real me, was getting on the bus. For those just beginning the journey from one gender to the other, this can be terrifying and once you have managed it thats when you know you have really begun your transition.
My preparation was always the best, but my confidence wasn't great so every day I found myself in the position of taking the terrifying journey and this is where strength of character comes in. So you are ready to face the world in the new you and hope no one is going to give you a second glance, because in many ways that is what you are trying to achieve. There you are stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus hoping that no one notices you, and then someone turns to you and asks, "Do you have the time please." Now hang on, who doesn't have a watch or a mobile (cell) phone with a big display on it? Its often a good indication that they want to hear your voice, they have looked at you and wondered....is that a man or a woman? The best way to overcome it is to to nod and show them you watch/phone and smile if you're not happy with how your voice sounds.
Of course the bus stop is often where people talk to each other, (years ago before smartphones and everyone was a bit more social) so when the bus arrives its a bit of a relief, or is it. I suppose its a lot easier now with electronic passes, no words have to be uttered but when I was just starting out, talking was necessary....So you ask for your fare....city centre please.....then once you have your ticket you turn and face the all the passengers, desperately trying to find a seat .....EVERYONE is looking at ME.....no they're not, but thats what it feels like. Seat found, head down ....please don't talk to me.
I have one of those ...faces. I always sit next to the most talkative person on the bus, it happens often. But then there is the other parts, people looking at YOU....they know, they've spotted me, they know I'm trans and they are looking at me, talking about me.....OMG. The fears of the newbie are immense, in an enclosed space with all these people and THEY KNOW. No, probably they haven't even seen you, but the fear is there all the same.
Seat selection is important, inside seat you have to ask (if you are polite that is) to '"Excuse me please." So outside seats are easier (just don't speak to me).
If the bus is crowded the next step is to get off the damn bus, ding the bell and hope that its going to be the stop everyone else alights too. If not, it can be a struggle as it might be necessary to say ...excuse me several times.
The point of all this? I had realised than when I could get on the bus, face the 'crowd', find a seat, talk to my fellow passengers and get off the bus with no problem, that is when I knew I was on my way to being happy with my transition. Thats when you know you have begun to integrate the new you and made it.
Overcoming the fears isn't easy but when I realised that probably no one was really looking at me, no one really noticed anything different about me, it drew less attention anyway. The voice I have found is a powerful delimiter in that you can use the voice to confuse anyone. if you are able to sound like the gender you present, then any unwanted attention seems to be lessened and I found I could overcome many uncomfortable situations.
I hope that you have found this interesting and helpful.
- 0 comments
transgender If you are transgender you can run but you can't hide in Kevin (Kimberlyann(Kimmi) Marie)
By Kimberlyann, postedi remember when i first realized that i wasn't like my brothers, that i was like my sisters. it seemed like a delicious secret but .it didn't take too long for that delcious secret to become a nightmare. By age 5 i prayed that God would make me a girl (i still do). From age 8 until i was18 i dressed in my sister's clothes daily. It always felt soo right to be wearing girl clothes and always i felt calm, the only time in my days when i did feel calm. Until was 11 i thought that i was the only one like me. At age 11 I read about Jan Morris and for the first time i thought that maybe i wasn't alone.
When i turned 18 the impossibility of being me was overwhelming, everyday all day i would see other girls and ladies and feel the pain of not being able to be openly like them. i became angry at being trans and even hating me being me. In the next years i ran from me fell in love, got married had 4 children earned 2 degrees all the while hating the best part of me and always when i would pause i would feel the same pain of not being me only every day every year the pain grew worse, it still does.
For those of you who are young and hesitating to transition please do whatever it takes to transition. You can run from being trans but it won'ty go away. YOU CAN"T RUN FROM THE BEST PART OF YOURSELF no matter how hard you run or how faryou run. Please don't be cowardly like me and find yourself at 59 years of age hurting soo badly because you need to be the woman you were born to be. May we all love the person we are and be willing to do what it takes to be true to ourselves everyday of our lives. i fear that for me it probably is too late but there are some wonderful things that have happened to me. My maternal instinct makes me an outstanding special educator and i now have grown to love the girl i am.
To any who might be reading this, please know that you and i are friends whom i haven't met yet. i will love you forever.
- 0 comments
By Olivia68, postedI was born a woman in a mans body. I've known this since my earliest memory but growing up during the 70s and 80s in Southern California and being raised by two very conservative parents made life heartbreaking and filled with pain.
I wasn't strong enough to go against my parents and now at the young age of 50 it's still difficult.
I think about how different my life will become and it excites me to think that one day I'll be able to transform into the woman I've always hidden from the public. It's going to take a lot of work—surgical and hormonal— but the end result for me will be liberating and glorious.
When I was younger I would wear my sisters dresses as often as I could. One day in my sophomore year of high school my mother caught me in a dress. I spent the next two years in counseling being told it was unacceptable to feel the way I did. In 1986 when I graduated from high school I was forced by my parents to enlist in the United States Army in order to make me a man. I retired after serving 25 years. During my career I fought the urge to be who I was inside. I married three times but that never lasted. I was always jealous of my wives. I wanted to be a wife too. I've begun the necessary steps to happiness. Will it be easy? Absolutely not but anything this important shouldn't be an easy process to traverse. I have several roadblocks ahead of me; weight loss, the looks I'll get when coming out in public for the first time (I'm 6'3" 250 lbs) but I even though I know tough times are ahead I'm still driven to become the woman I was born to be. I quit my job and moved 1,400 miles to Seattle with the hopes of finding a job where I can transition and continue on with becoming Olivia.This will be the first of many blogs depicting my journey.I hope you'll join me by following in on this new grand adventure.
- 0 comments
I had a chat today, with my manager, and we're drawing up a plan of who to tell, how to tell them and when to tell them.
It's scarily daunting. It's not only the people I work with, such as my immediate team; it's the people I interact with or the people I see every day. Such as the woman in the restaurant who makes my hazelnut latte each morning, or the guy who delivers parcels to our desks, or the security guards at reception, or the cleaners. Those people don't know me but they see me and they talk to me and they think they know me - and they will be surprised (shocked?) by the upcoming name change. So I can't avoid telling them; not really.
The guy I sit next to... we're on a first name basis and I know he likes cycling and he knows I like cycling and we've had chats about the Tour de France and the Vuelta and the Giro... but that's about it. He knows nothing else about me. But I still have to tell him.
Everyone at work will know. And I mean everyone. As soon as my email address changes... well, everything changes. People I don't actually know will see my dead name disappear from the directory and a new name appear. And therefore I have to be prepared to receive enquiries and questions from a bunch of people who thought they knew me and a bunch of complete strangers too. And I'm talking about a company that has 100,000 employees.
Bring it on!!!
- 0 comments
I recently finished my first year of school (I'm doing the 2-year MSW program at NYU) and decided that I needed a little get-away (emphasis on "little" - I don't really like traveling all that much, and can't afford much). So I decided on a day trip to the shore - my goal going into the day was to not think backwards or forward, just to try to be in the present. Of course, as I mentioned to a friend later, it was a little weird that I chose to go to a place that we used to go to all the time when I was a child if I didn't want to think backwards - but it still worked out.
On the train ride down it occurred to me that through everything that's been going on in the past year I hadn't really taken any time to just reflect specifically on transitioning. It makes sense, I was in school and recovery from GRS, while it wasn't ever particularly painful, is still distracting. But now, school is done for the year and the recovery is very well along - so I did reflect. In that moment I just felt really, really happy about all that had happened.
But here's the bigger thing. Either that night or the next it was very warm - it got up to the 90s here and didn't cool off over night. Since I've been too lazy to put my a/c in and only had a fan, I ended up sleeping au naturel. With the lights out and a jazz radio station playing, I closed my eyes. Without really thinking about the fact that I was doing it, one hand came down from a stretch, landed on one of my breasts, and then down to my lower regions - nothing erotic going on, just a casual stroke if you will. But the sensation was wonderful! Again, not erotic, it was just that I actually felt a woman's body - my body was now a woman's body!
Just wanted to share that :-)
- 0 comments
I haven't posted anything here in a long time. The last time I posted the reality had just started to set in about what life was going to be like going forward. I have been on HRT for almost 4 months now and life has gotten a lot easier. Hiring a lawyer made me feel a lot better about the upcoming divorce. I'm full time in public which is still really nerve racking but I'm forcing myself outside of my comfort zone. Doing my own makeup is now a thing too. Its a lot easier than I expected except I have trouble with eyeliner. Things have started to develop up top as well.
Overall I'm in a much better place despite the fact that not everything , including the divorce, has been handled yet. I was emotional a lot during the first couple of months of HRT but that may have been due to all the stress in my life.
I just wanted to come in here and vent in a blog to other transgender people who may know how I feel or what I'm going through.
- 0 comments
A friend from my GRS cohort recently had a dream of UFOs attacking and destroying the world. I suggested the dream is representing what she, I and at least 2 others in the cohort are experiencing. it's change. Every one of us is feeling that we want to be in a new place in our lives, and with improved work environments. In some cases what we were interested in is changing. Or as likely, we're having more difficulty pretending that we like what we only thought we liked before.
For me, falseness in myself and others is becoming more difficult to ignore, and I feel driven to live even more truly with others who feel the same way.
The intensity of these feelings seems enough that circumstances will be attracted into our lives to destroy the dross and make our live experiences more acceptable. Another birth maybe?
I'd read that transition starts again at GRS. I didn't believe that, but perhaps this un beckoned renewal current is what those people experienced. Time to hold on and be flexible. I hope this ride, though possibly evolutionary, will be kind to us.
- 0 comments
Although I had been masculine for most of my adult years, I have been officially out to my family since Jan. 2010 and I have been on testosterone for close to three years. I put off my transition because I didn't think I would have a family if I did. After many of my mom's abusive comments towards me, I finally said, "screw this" and started it.
I was right. Our relationship was pretty non-existent, and when I thought I would try to rekindle a familial dynamic again, my mom plain refused to acknowledge my identity, referring to me with female pronouns even though my voice was deep and had facial hair.
The day after the Bruce Jenner interview, I ended up seeing her for a family function. She has watched 20/20 and Dateline and like shows for years, so I assumed she saw it, but didn't bring it up. Later in the afternoon, she asked if I watched it.
It sparked about a 3 hour conversation, one which I feel was long overdue. Nothing negative was said. It was all positive. She even cried. I don't know if the tears were the realization that being trans is real, and she reflected on the things she's said and the way she treated me in the past, or something else, but I don't care. She actually showed an emotion instead of hiding it and hurting people.
At this moment, I feel like she is now supportive, and this is something I have NEVER had from her.
Thanks Bruce Jenner for sharing your story.
- 0 comments
So, we left to go to my mom's in Perrysburg OH. I was thinking about bringing some of my girl clothes with me but did not. As we left, I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety. Never felt this way before and don't know why. It's almost like I felt like I did not have that outlet if I needed it. However it felt much more than that.
Anyways, the trip went well. Though most of the time I thought about what I was going to tell my mom regarding my current situation. She knows about me dressing and wanting to be a girl. However, I believe that she thinks it is no longer an issue.
I definitely felt like a girl today.
I'm at my mom's with my family. I worked in the morning, ran 7.5 miles and then went to the Toledo Zoo for the lights. It was really wonderful. I loved it. We were there for 4 hours. I used to go to the Toledo Zoo when I was young several times a year. So it brought back memories.
They had a Santa that was there and the kids had their pictures taken with him. I wished that my dad was there. He would have loved it.
My son had pink eye this morning so I had to take him to urgent care.
I took him home while I got his prescription and went to Target while I waited. If anyone doesn't know already ... Target has awesome girl clothes (If you don't know this, then you can leave the cave now and enjoy). Anyways, I was looking for good workout clothes and cold weather gear for running. Anyways, Target used to have great runnning stuff for guys. Now, they have nothing for guys, only stuff for girls. So, I've been driven to crossdress (damn you, Target, damn you. ;-)). Anyways, I looked at their cold weather women stuff and liked but did not buy because I wanted to try it on, but did not have the time because I had to get back. May go back on Saturday and buy, because I need at least a couple pairs of warm fitted compression pants.
- 0 comments
I'm starting to wonder if I am not Trans Female rather bi-gendered. There are some mornings and I feel perfectly content getting up and being male. Other mornings, not so much. In general, I feel like I should have been born a girl, however, it is such a pain in the butt getting ready and presenting female. So, I don't know if my distain for getting ready is behind this or if I genuinely like being male some days, which would make me bi-gendered (though when I was 4 years old that was not the case). Anyways, this is all so confusing. Honestly, if I could comfortably live as a woman full-time, but occaisionally present as male or just dress in male clothes that might be a good stead-state for me. I don't know. We'll see.
It is hard to know or to tell. I don't get as nervous about being a girl like I used to, however in a lot of ways I am just getting started. I will need to learn so many things and adapt in ways that I will not be comfortable with initially. If anything, I just need to remember to be myself. Once I stop doing that I will be right back where I started, in crisis-mode again.
- 0 comments
This was an interesting week. Feelings of being female kind of just came and went as the tides do. Anyways, this week was tough. I work in DC and take the metro every day and see some nicely dressed women going to work each day. And once a week, I will see at least one person who is trans* going to work, who dresses appropriately and looks really nice (seeing them makes me really proud to be trans and I am proud of them as well - btw!).
I had a follow up app't with my therapist today that she had to reschedule. That is fine. I am not in as much of a crisis anymore, more of in a daze lately, just "dealing with being male" and thinking about being female. It is rescheduled for 12/12 at 2 pm. I may go out with friends after and perhaps to a support group.
This week, I am headed out on Saturday to the Holiday Inn at 7pm. It should be fun. I don't know what to wear (it will probably be a dress), but it does not matter, I am just glad that I am going out. I have been overweight over the past year, but at least my weight has been stable. I do need to lose weight though, because I feel uncomfortable particularly in tight clothes or when I do endurance sports. Nothing like riding a bike up a 12% climb and wishing I was 150 - 160 lbs again. Anyways ...
I hope that everyone has had a good week. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, whoever that may be! I love you all and thank you for reading!
- 0 comments