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Found 6 results

  1. So I have to move out my apartment due to breaking up with my ex. Which is great! it's great because though we get along and we will always be friends, we need different things from our partners that neither of us are going to get. I am packing all my junk, and realizing I have way too much. As I pack though I found tons of pictures of me from what I call the dark ages. The Dark ages were the period of time after high school but before college, a whole six years for me, in which I went back into the closet and suffered a period of self harm and also a mental break down. I survived through a period of sever depression that I didn't even realize I was going though until I was lying on my bed with a butcher knife. I realized how dark I'd gotten I vowed to never ever let it get that bad ever again. I feel like if I don't share this part of my life than I'm not being straight with people when I say life gets better. This part of my life that led me to who I am today. This time of my life that made me realize that nothing matters if you can't find that happiness in yourself. That there is nothing selfish in transitioning, but its wicked selfish to kill yourself. I say that because of the potential each of us has that is wasted when cut short. I know the insanity of fear and the desperation that comes along with it. I also know that taking your own life in your hands can be the most powerful and freeing feeling in the world and there has never been any grater feeling in my life than that gift. It was a gift I earned by staying alive despite the pain along the way. As I Sit in my bedroom packing all of my belongings, trying to breathe as this cold ravages me, I cannot help but be excited for the road ahead of me. I am terrified and yet so emboldened by the fear that I have this duplicitous euphoria. Today is May 27, 2016 and I am Benjamin Crowley twenty five nearly twenty six year old black transgender man living in the United States at time feels terrifying and electric at the same time. Terrifying? Terrifying because as I grow older race, which had never been a problem for me and mine, is becoming an odd affront to society. Actions that others take for granted I never previously would have thought were racially motivated have become a stark raw truth to be being black in America. I feel nervous as I transition that people will interpret me differently because of the projection of my identity into a public spotlight. This however is at the back of my mind as I sort through my things. At the fore front is the power held in the words, “I am enough.” I am enough. Similar words blazed though my head four years ago nearly to this day as I worked a warehouse job slaving into the night earning more money than I knew what to do with. I had no kids no titles and no self-worth. I had let others dictate to me what my future held and in the stagnant space between their idolization of the hardworking young black woman whom earned her keep I found myself in a great state of melancholy. What does it mean when you have everything you could materialistically want and are still unhappy? I weighed 150 lbs. and had kinky over processed blond hair, a nice body and a sad smile. I hated myself. The person they all knew, who wore punk make up and listened to green day… she was a lie. She was only happy when it rained, hated bras and wore heels in a defiant streak of masochism. It wasn’t until she faced self-demolition did she realize that what everyone though she was wasn’t her at all. In fact she wasn’t even a she. Never in her head did she see herself as a ‘She’. In her head her self-reference was always ‘I’ and when it ventured to the dangerous gendered lands of pronouns she, realized, had always been a he. So where was she now? Hiding in conformity because she was scared of losing everything she had. But she was already loosing… This path she was one would never make her happy. So he cut off all his hair. Stopped wearing make-up and heels. Stopped bleaching his hair. Stopped starving himself to be pretty and started loving himself a bit more every day. Started college. Manically picked out masculine clothes. Introduced himself as Ben. Learned self-love and proudly thinks, “I am enough.” Thank you everyone again for you viewership.
  2. BenFriday

    Update

    So, I know it has been awhile. I have so many positive things to share and also some negative ones. So the Fall semester hit me like a freight truck. I had forgotten the inevitable stress that went along with being on student government. Luckily, I survived. The highlights of the fall semester are that I, with the support of the student body and government, began a campaign to get a gender neutral bathroom on campus. In doing so I’ve had the privilege of representing our community at my school and alerting the faculty and staff of the issues that will and have arisen for many transgender students. We will see a gender neutral bathroom in the middle of campus. It has been approved, and is currently being planned. The second victory, is a personal one. I started Testosterone on November 19th, 2015. And the following week I got a tattoo to commemorate that event. I have certainly found out a lot about myself since doing so. I’ve found I am an introvert, I like Cars, I’ve begun painting, and I love physical activity. A few of my tastes have changed, and I like it. I no longer feel restless and anxious all the time. This Spring Semester is half over for me, and I find myself enjoying life more than ever before. Though I know I still have a lot of work ahead, I wanted all of you to know that I didn’t fall off the face of the earth. Since the school year has begun I have not quit in my goal to bring transgender, and non-binary gender identities into the spotlight in gender education. Hopefully I will get to post again soon.
  3. So today was my first endo Appointment. It did not go as I'd hoped, but not for the reasons i thought. I knew that I would not start testosterone today. Let me be clear about that, right away. I was however hoping that I would find out when I get to start. I got lost on my way to the clinic because Yale New Haven Hospital is a Zoo! New Haven is a terrible smattering of crazy drivers and one way streets. Think of it like as tiny New York filled with even more assholes. I was late even though I set out to be 20 minutes earl I was twenty minutes late. Got charged 6 bucks for parking at the hospital. Maybe I'm just a country bumpkin, but Charge me as I'm trying to get medical treatment, WTF? By ten minutes in it was clear that I wouldn't be starting soon, there was discussion of who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder? Was I not being clear enough? How hard do i have to hate myself before people help with the problems I actually have. I'm sick of doctors appointments and of doctors. As she explained what my body would do on T, i got the slight inclination that she was nervous. I'm not blindly jumping into this, it's not that I'm claiming I knew everything she told me but i did know I'm not gonna be a supermodel. I have no misconceptions that I may end up looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame and that T may make my insulin resistance worse... I don't give a damn. Also if one more person informs me that I'm overweight I'm going to lose my shit! (Is there some secret to weight loss that will help me lose 60 lbs in a week or month?) I have been patient I waited three months just to speak to her! Just not a good day at all. I'm so disappointed. Also i have the final draft of my spoken word poem I will post it soon.
  4. So originally there were two pieces. they have somehow melded into one piece that I'm truly proud of. I'll link it for those who'd like to see. Thank you all for giving me the courage to do this. it took literally thirty takes for me to be mildly satisfied with the results. I shot this on my phone... so sorry if the quality is not that good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPbPLLGFkSE
  5. So originally there were two pieces. they have somehow melded into one piece that I'm truly proud of. I'll link it for those who'd like to see. Thank you all for giving me the courage to do this. it took literally thirty takes for me to be mildly satisfied with the results. I shot this on my phone... so sorry if the quality is not that good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPbPLLGFkSE
  6. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPbPLLGFkSE This is me performing my poem. My Poem became a fusion of the previous two poems. I love it so much. I hope you all enjoy. I was so nervous it took so long just get a rough version of it down.
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