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Holy effective or holy problem?

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Posted

So, as the title states, I'm a bit confused over something currently. I have been on Spiro for almost a full 4 months at this point, and while I am sensing a change in my body mass, how weight is carried and all that jazz, but, I wasn't always keen on the weird side effects. At first it was abdominal cramps to a degree that ranged from a mild distraction to at one particular point, I needed to sit down. I'm told that that is normal, and it makes sense, your body internally kind of taking a 180 with things. At any rate, that left after about the 2-3 week mark, and after about two months I felt strains in the back muscles, but again, I am told and assuming as well that it is probably just the breaking down of the muscle.

Now, the most recent effect I'm feeling and sensing, well, I'm curious if Im just crazy or if that spiro is actually effective to this degree. About almost 2 weeks ago, my chest felt insanely sensitive. I figured it'd pass, that kinda stuff happened sometimes even when I hadnt even started spiro. However, unlike those times, the sensitivity didn't go away. Actually, its gotten to be like waves where sometimes its only mildly sensitive, and others, if I brush my chest on my cat the wrong way, or roll over wrong in bed, it hurts like crazy.

Also, I'm curious and a tad concerned of the 'why' since I didn't think spiro caused breast growth (although I'm certainly not complaining.) And honestly, I've felt little 'tough' or like solid spots around the breast area by like the nipple that seems to sound similar to the like first stage of breast growth. At any rate, I didn't know if anyone else had experienced anything to this degree. Not sure if the medication is that effective, or if I have something else going on there.

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Posted

Also, I'm curious and a tad concerned of the 'why' since I didn't think spiro caused breast growth (although I'm certainly not complaining.)

Spiro doesn't. But blocking testosterone can allow you're bodies own estrogen to start exerting more influence.

Are you under a doctors care?

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Posted

Ashlee, I'm sorry to derail the topic, but I thought you said you weren't interested in transitioning. Did I misunderstand, or have you changed your mind?

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Honestly, I felt I wasn't not only because of fear, but I also felt I just couldn't. Words cannot describe, however, how much more I wanna move forward with each step forward. I began taking spiro off of an in house pharmacy online. Its not wise, and I'm aware, but I'm an adult and made that decision fully knowing the risks. Regardless, I have since signed on to a therapy center locally that handles this stuff specifically as well as got a referral to a doctor, but the closest appt was April 29th. Until then I'll just continue to take the pills as I always have been. I know that many will suggest I stop until the doc appt, but thats not happening. The last thing I'm allowing is testosterone to reverse the change in body that I've seen these past 4 months.

As for transition, honestly, its more or less an ocean of gray area, not the doomsday scenario that I myself, and many others think of it. I work as a man, technically, and thats whatever to me, I hate the damn place anyways and the last thing I want is to draw more attention as it would seem old women tend to give me crap anytime I work under them, I can only imagine how much more difficult dealing with them would be when Im transitioning at work, plus, its just far too stressful. I am, quite *literally* working all day from 830 till 5 pm. Sometimes even working THRU my lunch. Still I'm miles behind on accounts because of inept workers, lack of clear training protocol, and poor management. Hence, the idea of transition at *this* job, heck, totally not happening. Its also difficult too, considering I began working there in August but didn't go 'full time' until December 19th, 2008. I had all my friends meeting at my house for a party, and many many knew of my issue, but never saw me fully present as a girl. It was both scary and kind of anti-climactic. Some people asked questions with weird looks on their faces, but, I was always one of the more goofy, non-serious and overtly social people in our large group from college, so while some did raise an eyebrow, I'd just laugh and brush it off; crazy how LITTLE it bugged me, comparative to how I thought the scenario would go, torturing myself with said scenario the past 3 years of my life.

Since then, I mean, I've no idea right now. I'm technically growing breasts (albeit such SUCH early and minute amounts that while VERY noticeable to me, its still not enough that I won't be able to present as a man in fitted clothes. I honestly want to begin therapy and go from there. However, honestly, there's nothing holding me from transition except myself now. My friends all know. Those that I haven't explained it to, they still make jokes which almost harkens that they are saying 'its cool, we kinda get what's going on, just come out and say it, we're cool with it.' Because of this, there's really nothing vested in keeping up the charade. Am I the hottest girl on the street? Heck no. DO I even get seen as a woman to all people, nope, but again, I've only been on spiro for 4 months, never been on estrogen, and my hair has only been growing since I totally shaved it around the end of july/beginning of august.

I know that you had mentioned a concern being body size and not being 'seen' as a female as one of many reasons to not transition. I still totally respect that, you've got more strength than I, I just couldn't keep it up anymore. I mean, if I gotta be seen as a guy at work for now, whatever, I'm over that, for all I care, I am a woman, always have been, but at least now I'm not hiding, just wearing guys clothes to work. *shrug* However, let me say this. I was never a big person, but I agreed with you about feeling my proportions were not flattering to a woman and that passing would be more trouble than its worth. I can say this much, 6 months ago, people said they could never *see* me as a girl. That it just isn't possible, not to mention that I looked, to them at least, like an obvious guy.

Fast forward to the last two weekends. Two weekends ago, I went up to my friend's house in Erie where he's housesitting for his parents, and he finally said sunday morning:

*in mid convo, me giving him advice on what to do for his fiance to get him the 'ok' to go out the following night*

he says, 'oh my.....well...*you* would know, you girl!........but....um.....seriously. You *are* a girl, I couldn't see it, and I definately *didn't* see it, but like, wow, I can't look at you now and not see a girl.'

my other friend, whom I hadn't seen in over a year joked about how I was 'hot' and joked about 'well if you're cold, I can kick my girlfriend off on to the couch...hahaha'

And most astoundingly, this weekend, I got marked (which DOES happen alot but trust me, if you are self-confident, it won't phase you much at all, if at all) and even more humorously so, apparently by a trans guy. Now, I am all for helping others, and support and all that jazz. That said, the many trans people I've met recently have nothing in common with me, outside of our issues, and I find it hard to keep convo going and NOT appear freaked out by their, well, odd habits. So this guy begins talking bout drinking blood, that its 'evil' to assume someone is straight (which honestly its not, only when you assume everyone SHOULD be) and went on and on about personal stuff in a public setting. I mean, sure, Im willing to bet most mark me as a boy, I'm still not trying to advertise to the bar patrons 'HEY!!! IM ON HORMONES!!! I TAKE SPIRO!!! IM TRANS!!! WHOOO!'

Frankly, that kind of demeanor is obnoxious, no matter who or what you are or your issues may or may not be.

But long story short, I tried being nice to this guy until finally I was so creeped out and he wasn't getting the message, so we sorta ducked out to play darts downstairs. While we're down there, my friend's acquaintence keeps refering to me with female pronouns, calling me 'love' like a brit, and all that jaz. Thinking hes being polite, I'm happy. Color me vexxed and surprised that the guy was bugging out, because the entire night, over 2 nd a half hours of talking, darts, drinking, etc, he comes out and says ' oh my GOD, I thought she was really a girl!!'

So, I mean Im not sure where you're at now GirlInside, but for what its worth, the things I felt impossible 6 months ago are now proven possible each time I look in my mirror. Now if I can only find an electrolysis who isn't super expensive and takes forever. :-P

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Posted

Hey, I started taking spiro for three months before seeing the endo officially (he kept me on that and added estradiol).

Yes, I noticed lots of changes in the first few months before estrogen. The skin sensivity and boob/nipple sensitivity was one of the most obvious. Don't fret over it, it seems par for the course. I was amazed at how sensitive my body got.

And it gets even more intense on estro. btw, if you are doing electrolysis, it might not hurt while you're not on hormones, but it will probably hurt worse and worse with increased hormone dosages; if you can get painkillers and numbing creams prescribed by your doc, you should. It can be pretty brutal.

As far as the rest goes, I think we each make a choice for ourselves. We decide whether the risk and possible anxieties of transition outweigh not transitioning. We live with the results of our decisions.

If someone decides it's not worth the risk, then good: Enjoy your life.

If someone decides it is, then good as well: Enjoy your life.

The common denominator?

Enjoy your life.

When I started transition, I was 6'0 with a size 46-48 men's jacket, and I weighed 240 pounds. I am still 6' tall and weigh above 200 pounds, although my top has shrunk from a 2x woman's to sometimes a 1x. I do not look as big as I am, in some ways, people tell me I inhabit a "smaller" and skinnier space, most people would probably think me about 180lbs.

I am big enough, though, that I still have anxiety over going out. I hate being the tallest woman around, I feel like people stare at me sometimes... and yet I know most of the negativity is in my head. Probably much of the time they're looking at my height, not wondering about my gender. Still, it's a price I will have to pay because I made the choice to transition, and sometimes I can still get anxious in public, I *really* am self-conscious and can't stand the idea that people might be looking at me and judging (which sometimes makes me antsy at work)...

... but you know what? It was worth it.

Life before was utter misery and I was done living.

Now I like who I am and can look in the mirror, at last.

Enjoy your choices, Ashlee.

Enjoy your life. :)

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Posted

ashlee--

The only positive about self-medicating is it makes your being on HRT a fait accompli, so it's that much easier to get with the right doc and go "legit," which I hope you'll do as soon as you can.

Be safe!

Annie

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Honestly, Annie, that has been the plan all along. I stuttered a bit from going to get help and refered to a doc, because I thought, 'I need to see if my friends will accept this....I need to just go full time and if they stay, then I know I can handle this.' Luckily ll have 'stayed' nd only a select few take serious issue with it, and after spending a weekend around me, all doubters have begrudgingly admitted that, well, yea, I defiately see you as a girl, its hard to think I once saw you as anything else at this point.

Funny how life pans out. I only hope it keeps on the up and up.

And yes, I agree and sympathize with you Jennifer. My size has fluxed all my life, from almost 200 lbs at 6 foot, to on the light side, around 140lbs at 6 foot. I'm probably closer to 150lbs these days but alot of it is due to lack of physical exertion (I had a bit of a hard time simply carrying a microwave the other day) and paired with less than stellar diet.

Like I said though, although the weight is still around where it was 5 months ago, where I hold it is so crazy different from before. Kudos again on fully transitioning, for job purposes, I'm not 'out' at work outside of our GLBT affinity network. Outside of work though I'm always myself, no matter what. Also, as for worrying over whether you pass, I've learned that while that worry is a given, no matter how hardheaded and full of yourself one might be, but that to worry over it more than a mere moment and moving on will only depress you further. When I would go out, *WANTING* to pass, I ended up looking like I was up to no good and extremely unapproachable. Now that I just go out, pass or not, its strange because sometimes even going into work I get clocked as a genetic woman, I have doors held for me almost always at this point, and in public I've already had a couple hairy situations where I had to, well, break it to someone that Im not a genetic girl.

That also being said, last weekend I was clocked as a trans girl almost indefiniately; I even had a trans man approach me in a crazy awkward fashion, and then subsequently try 'charming me' by talking about drinking blood and how it is 'offensive when someone at work or otherwise assume that everyone is straight.' This annoys me because, yes, glbt individuals do have a social stigma attached to them that preceeds any judgement based on personality. However, and I may offend some on this, alot of the fault, as I have said before, lies in the actions of many in our glbt umbrella. People don't like promescuity, myself included. People don't like candid conversation about sex or sexual issues, myself included. Many don't MEAN offense when asking questions or making assumptions, they just have no frame of reference, so go with what is safe (ie, assuming someone is straight.) While I have met a couple of nice trans people at my therapist and many on here, sadly, most I have met since therapy are completely the 'loud and in your face proud' crowd that hurts the glbt image more than it helps. Society likes integration. Society likes peace and calm. Therefore, when someone is *brashly* forward about sex, or contraversial issues like drinking blood as the trans man seemed to be open to talking about, well, its not a surprise if many are turned off by that.

Basically, I sat there, a spectator to the argument between the trans man and a friend of my friend over workplace inclusion. The guy said, 'its wrong for ANY boss to say, 'hey bring your wife/husband!' when refering to work related events. The other guy's point was, with still the overwhelming majority of society identifying cisgendered and straight, it is *not* terribly out of line to assume such. The trans man's solution was forcing bosses to *have* to use terms like 'partner' and the like. Seriously, the nit picking is just obnoxious and when I hear/see the flippant crazy tirade this guy went on when we disagreed, I cant help but feel like people ARENT wrong in assuming glbt individuals live to stir the pot. However, it further alienates others whom are also glbt, such as myself, when they demand special rights. I'm not here to fight for special rights. We deserve *equal* rights. If I'm dating a man and someone says 'hey, bring your girlfriend!' I dont see the difficulty in saying 'oh, I don't have a girlfriend, but I'll be sure to tell my boyfriend and see if he can make it.'

So simple.

Sorry too if that came off a tad vent-ish. I just really feel disenfranchised when modern society, something that I felt so close to, now, not surprisingly so, has been a tad distant to me....they have found that we are indeed different. However, when I find nothing in common and appauled by many of the actions of our community, it is indeed sad because one gets the feeling of being a girl not welcome to the one party, yet no interest or commonality with the other party. I only hope the glbt community can realize that to be moral, one does not need to be a bigot, and that *being* moral does not mean conforming, I mean, to me its pretty much simple common sense.

-Don't dance half naked around children in the streets, no matter how proud you are of yourself.

-Don't promote the club life that breeds loosely tied, fly-by-night relations that are more about sex than emotional or personal connection.

-Don't force the issues beyond equality. A gay/lesbian/trans person asking for special rights is the same as someone of a minority race asking for special treatment because of such.

I'm crossing my fingers, but it would seem anytime I try to advise the more radical elements of the lgbt community with these and other issues, they brush me off and brand me a defacto bigot. It's not biggotry, its common sense. Again tho, all my own honest opinion.

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Posted

So, as the title states, I'm a bit confused over something currently. I have been on Spiro for almost a full 4 months at this point, and while I am sensing a change in my body mass, how weight is carried and all that jazz, but, I wasn't always keen on the weird side effects. At first it was abdominal cramps to a degree that ranged from a mild distraction to at one particular point, I needed to sit down. I'm told that that is normal, and it makes sense, your body internally kind of taking a 180 with things. At any rate, that left after about the 2-3 week mark, and after about two months I felt strains in the back muscles, but again, I am told and assuming as well that it is probably just the breaking down of the muscle.

Now, the most recent effect I'm feeling and sensing, well, I'm curious if Im just crazy or if that spiro is actually effective to this degree. About almost 2 weeks ago, my chest felt insanely sensitive. I figured it'd pass, that kinda stuff happened sometimes even when I hadnt even started spiro. However, unlike those times, the sensitivity didn't go away. Actually, its gotten to be like waves where sometimes its only mildly sensitive, and others, if I brush my chest on my cat the wrong way, or roll over wrong in bed, it hurts like crazy.

Also, I'm curious and a tad concerned of the 'why' since I didn't think spiro caused breast growth (although I'm certainly not complaining.) And honestly, I've felt little 'tough' or like solid spots around the breast area by like the nipple that seems to sound similar to the like first stage of breast growth. At any rate, I didn't know if anyone else had experienced anything to this degree. Not sure if the medication is that effective, or if I have something else going on there.

Hello: I am six months into transition & can not believe the pain I am in..(began after 10 weeks) when someone brushes me they hurt, when I jog, or run down steps they hurt....I had a door come back & hit me on one of them & i was on my knees for 2-mins...LOL!...It is a combination of spiro , estrogen & your own estrogens...I never anticipated having this size at this point of my transition...It is a wonderful & unexpected surprise to me. I wish u all the success with your transition.

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I have to admit, I do talk quite candidly about sex, but only when it feels right. If the people I am with are comfortable with the topic, then why not. I suppose this comes from living in a household where sexuality was open to discussion. Still, I don't go down that path unless somebody else brings it up. There are a lot of people who find that kind of discussion distasteful, so I talk about other things around them. The same goes for politics and religion. But the queer community is by far the most open when it comes to discussing sex. At LGBT gatherings it seems to be the primary topic, whereas these same people, in other social contexts, talk about totally different things.

It also bothers me when people get too politically correct. They expect everyone to be understanding of there position without giving consideration to anyone else. Yes, people may ask questions, or get confused. They may not think to consider that you aren't strait. But still, I understand the intimidation factor of heteronormativity. It seems to imply that one should be straight, and if you don't know a persons feelings about sexual orientation spilling the beans can be a real leap of faith. So I think that's where a lot of this guys feelings come from, but he needs to consider the other person's perspective.

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Fast forward to the last two weekends. Two weekends ago, I went up to my friend's house in Erie where he's housesitting for his parents, and he finally said sunday morning:

*in mid convo, me giving him advice on what to do for his fiance to get him the 'ok' to go out the following night*

he says, 'oh my.....well...*you* would know, you girl!........but....um.....seriously. You *are* a girl, I couldn't see it, and I definately *didn't* see it, but like, wow, I can't look at you now and not see a girl.'

my other friend, whom I hadn't seen in over a year joked about how I was 'hot' and joked about 'well if you're cold, I can kick my girlfriend off on to the couch...hahaha'

And most astoundingly, this weekend, I got marked (which DOES happen alot but trust me, if you are self-confident, it won't phase you much at all, if at all) and even more humorously so, apparently by a trans guy....my friend's acquaintence keeps refering to me with female pronouns, calling me 'love' like a brit, and all that jaz. Thinking hes being polite, I'm happy. Color me vexxed and surprised that the guy was bugging out, because the entire night, over 2 nd a half hours of talking, darts, drinking, etc, he comes out and says ' oh my GOD, I thought she was really a girl!!'

I have had similar experiences, in spite of my physical appearance and the fact that I make no attempt to pass. At this point, I'd say 10-20% of people see me as female when they first see me (judging by how they refer to me). But that rate would be abysmal if I were trying to pass. And if I did try to pass, that rate might improve, but by how much? Even if 99% of people saw me as female, all it takes is to be spotted once.

According to the Transgender Law Center, 60% of all transwomen are subjected to hate crimes because of their gender presentation; some studies show that as many as 80% of the transsexual population (both male-to-female and female-to-male) has been physically assaulted, 80% have feared for their lives or well being, and 50% have been sexually assaulted. I've already been through that one, as a kid in school, bullied for the obvious reason. I'd do anything to avoid going through it again.

Besides, the other 80-90% treat me more like they treat women than like they treat men, so I'm not sure what the point would be for me (especially since I'm asexual).

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