9 replies to this topic

[UsernameOptional]

hello prlover, and welcome to TGG.

it sounds to me, by what you've posted, that there are several issues involved.  the only thing i can do is basically disect what you have here, and offer my opinions.  hopefully someone else who might be able to see some bigger picture can offer more than i.

between the title of your post, "HOW to love a ftM transsexual," and your comment, "this is my first time dealing with some one like this," my advice is... don't try to treat him like a FTM.  treat him like a woman would treat any man.  forget the "FTM."  he's just a man.

you said, "he is very man with himself and with other that have came before me.  I don't know if its what he went after only stright chicks i am his frist Bi."     this almost sounds as if he is not acting as a male when with you.   you being bisexual, however, should have no bearing on HIS behavior.  did the relationship start out with you knowing that he is trans and not lesbian?  or did he come out to you later, and now you are unable to treat him as a man?   if you've known from the beginning,  is it possible that when the two of you first met, you may have been treating him as a female (despite knowing his position)..as if he were a lesbian whether intionally or not?   if you were, and he picked up on it...this could be the hurdle that stands between the two of you, tho i don't see why he'd push you away if you are truly wanting to understand.

it's also possible that the relationships he had before he met you were with lesbians.  some transmen -usually before they've accepted or learned that they are truly transexual- will enter into relationships with lesbians.   more times than not, lesbians will treat these guys as they would any other female.  there usually comes a time when the guy gets tired of it -especially if he's finally come clean with the girl.  if all his previous relationships were with lesbians...it could be that he was already in a defensive mode when you two met.

there's no doubt he needs to get in contact with a support group...and probably should look for a therapist - preferrably one experienced with gender identity.   here's a list of therapists that may be of help.  also try googling GLBT groups in your area.

-michael

[stephani]

I would Tend to agree with the Gest and basics of all your statements Mike , yet I have a sneeky Spishion lucy , that He is in a Crossroads Him self , seeking out the Straight Woman that May have Turned and Ran put him into a Loss Prevention Mode , were if He tries to be Over Masculine the partner becomes suspicious and accusative and then when he back steps and opens the door with a slight more malefem they simply turn and run because a woman needs a strong man not a malefem type , they need security and he knows this , being a little insecure by the sounds of things he is trying to hard and then feeling like he pushed it backs down , a woman needs consistancy , I think that the new relationship tossed him for a loop when finding out about the Bi aspect this being some thing new to him he's not sure does he be forceful and drive to hard or male fem and loose another partner , I would say Open and honest discussions with him yet DONT Push the Points Just set them in motion and walk away and let him contemplate what you brought up .

then show Him you appreciate him and his , overly male behavior if thats what you need , or the Malefem side of the coin if this is what you need , He needs Reinforment not Prying , He Wants structure not Limits , he desire Role  not insecurity , show him this is what your part is and what you need him to be , let him figure out how to get there and things should start to level out and become a more coheasive relationship .

I hope some of this helps
Hugs
Stephani

[stephani]

How to Love A F/M , easy with your Heart .

[UsernameOptional]

Good answer.

Good answer..  

[PlagueBubonic]

Well time for my two cents ..lol for what it is worth   Welcome to the guide prlover
I'll try to stay on point, first sound like your the one seeking help not him. Now than you need to have a heart to heart with him, and tell him how you feel (please make sure your timing is right to do this.) Also, if a person is not seeking help theres nothing one says, or does that will get through to that person ie. <they have to want help.>
I want to commend you for heaching out, however I think Michael had a bit of great advice to offer you. Which was to try the LGBTQ Center near you ... they help people on a sliding scale bases. Meaning if you all cannot afford to pay for therapy it's no problem. Maybe you all can join a couples group, and get the help you need in your relationship.  
P.S. When I first went to the LGBTQ Center I was apprehensive at first, but how I grown it my transition! I've only been attending the group for about 4 months now. The group I in has help me tremendously!! Peace Out .... I'll pray all goes well for you both

[DevinRyan]

He maybe very insecure that you may leave him for a female... I am dating a lesbian woman and I am terrified she may leave me because I am ftm and he's probably trying to protect himself. I am the SAME exact way. Reassure him your sticking around because the last thing we need while going through our transitions is a bad breakup/ heartbreak

[Jeanette]

_{Well, I'm in a relationship with a preop MTF transexual too and she's bisexual and so am I.  I guess the biggest thing that attracted her to me, is exatly, what I've been describing her as, a she.  No one ever did that for her before and she had dated both men and women and they wanted put her in a category. Men wanted her to say she was a homosexual man, woman wanted her as a straight man, she was even married for 8 years.  She takes estrogen right now, and when her ex-boyfriend saw that she was growing best, he wouldn't touch them, he wouldn't acknowledge them, and he made her sleep on the couch eventually.  When we met, I was attracted to her as a man, but I loved her as a woman.  Seeing that she had breasts was just huge plus for me and she loved that I loved them.  Sexually, it just took awhile for me to understand how a preop MTF's genitals are so much more diffierent that what you would think.  They are so much more like a woman's even though they still have all their male parts.  I'm still learning.  But, if you can't treat her like the woman that she born to be, than maybe this kind of relationship is not you. It's a huge commitment, especially, if they have the surgery.}

[Bonnie]

Jeanette, I am understanding that you are in a relationship with an MtF, pre-op, and not an FtM. --  Bonnie

[Jeanette]

Yes, MsBeth, and I edited here. (I often type faster than my brain has time to catch up)  

Edited by UsernameOptional, 02 June 2013 - 02:59 PM.