5 replies to this topic

[bipolarish]

I have been an out and proud lesbian for well over a decade.  I was set up with my now husband on a blind date that described him as female with facial hair.  I literally stumbled when we were introduced because he was clearly male.  After hearing him out, I decided that this person was kind and gentle with awesome intentions and a huge heart.  We began to see one another as friends, eventually developed a relationship and 4 years later, legally wed.  He had already been on testosterone therapy almost a decade when I met him.  That said, he is very male appearing.  I love him, I truly do.  He is in his early 50s, pre-op and has plans on top surgery but perfectly happy with everything else.
We've moved out of state in order to allow him to live his life without the whispers of those in our small city and family that knows.  New friends, co-workers and acquaintances would never believe he is FTM if they were given medical proof.  We've been together almost 6 years and married for 2 of those.  We both have our quirks but we love one another very much.  As the years go on, it becomes more difficult for me to deal with my sexuality.  I had been a very proud, active lesbian for over a decade before meeting him.  Now he requires that I not be so out with who I am for fear of exposing his secret.  We've tried to compromise but there really isn't one.  People ask questions either way and when he's asked, he will out right lie about me saying that I support gay people and that's why I have Pride symbols or "She just loves rainbows".  He doesn't see himself as a part of the LGBT community at all and would never be seen at a function or gay club and encourages me not to attend either.  I try to explain to him what the T is for in LGBT but he won't hear it.  
I'd like to be who I've always been but protect his secret but then there are those that ask how can I be gay but married to a man.  They assume I'm bisexual.  I know we shouldn't care what people think and in a perfect world, we wouldn't BUT that's not the world we live in.  To go from a very active, proud lesbian to a heterosexual, married woman is hard.  I feel stuffed in a closet that I was never in.  I find myself with growing resentment.  I don't want to lose my marriage but I don't want to lose myself either.

[UsernameOptional]

hello bipolarish, and welcome to TGG

wow...that's some kinda dilemna ya got there. i know it's not much consolation, and it's surely no use in dwelling on the past...but i sorta have to blame whoever set you up on that blind date 6 years ago for you being in this situation now. for that individual to have called your husband a "female with facial hair" surely has no respect for your husband as a man or any regard for those who are TG/TS. i can't help but wonder if it was some kind of sadistic joke on their part especially if they knew you were/are clearly lesbian. i'm fairly sure that had he been introduced as male, or even transmale, you might not have given him the time of day.

all that aside tho, and as much as i'd like to defend him... i sorta think he's being unfair to you. the two of you surely have to come to some kind of compromise if your relationship is going to survive. he knew before the two of you married, or even became romantically involved that you are lesbian. you knew that he was not only not lesbian, but not even a woman.

you made the concession to move with him so that he could go stealth. he needs to make some concessions for you. what those are tho, i have no clue.

i know after a while it starts sounding like a broken record around here... but i think if you too can't come to some middle ground... you need to seek the advice of a counsellor.

-michael

[MayaZ]

bipolarish - I have to agree with Michael's suggestion about considering therapy to sort out these issues if you can't between the two of you (if the therapy record is broken, Michael's side A and I'm side .  It's rather a shame that your husband is that concerned with living in stealth, but I can definitely relate to a certain extent.  I forgot who said it, but I recall an analogy about transitioning being somewhat like getting over a life-threatening illness.  Once you've beaten it, you don't want to be reminded that you had to go through it.  You would rather look to the future, the thing you fought to survive for.

Anyway, as much as your husband may have walked into a second closet, I can't help but think you're taking the status of your sexual orientation a little too seriously.  I know you say that you could accept being considered bisexual in an ideal world, but this isn't about the world (I don't think anyone in our imperfect world who would approve of you being a lesbian would disapprove of your being bisexual).  It's about you.  These are your feelings and you have to deal with their effect on you.

It's not often that I see a clear solution to qualms such as this, but couldn't your husband be more supportive of the GLBT community (people he really wouldn't need to worry about being judgemental of who he was and people probably capable of the tact involved in knowing but not mentioning it) and provide another voice for a cause that's fought for him, while you could continue to support the GLBT community as a representative of the B instead of the L?

[UsernameOptional]

bipo -
my g/f and i were discussing your situation. it never occurred to me, but she brought up a good point.

you said in your OP, "we've moved out of state in order to allow him to live his life without the whispers of those in our small city...new friends, co-workers and acquaintances would never believe hie is FTM..." this makes it sound like the two of you discussed the move before moving. if this is the case, did you think at that time that you could be a little less "out [loud] and proud?" or did you not realize that him wanting to get away from the whispers basically meant going stealth? was it discussed or thought thru what his going stealth would mean for you?

i also realize that sometimes we don't always have control over who we fall for. that brings me back around to the fact that you knew he wasn't female before you fell in love. there are some [bio] guys who will take a lesbian for a g/f IF she allows it. for some guys...it's almost like a challenge. so for him to find himself in a relationship with you is not all that shocking. but for you to have fallen for him, and eventually end up married to him makes even me question your sexual orientation.

and just to play devil's advocate - keeping in mind how he was originally introduced, is it possible that until the move, you have been considering him...a "female with facial hair," thereby enabling you to live with him, justifying your feelings (as a lesbian) for him, and now that he has gone stealth, the fact that he is not a female has suddenly slammed home?

-michael

[bipolarish]

In all honesty, I've never considered him anything except ___________ (his name).  I've never even thought of him with female pronouns, or female at all.  He is so very masculine.  I love him very much.  I love him enough to live in the closet but I find the resentment growing.  I try not to dwell on it so it doesn't continue to grow but some days are more difficult than others.

[Bonnie]

Hi Bi ... polarish!  Welcome to TG Guide.

I have have a feeling that you see your husband as a man consciously but sub-consciously you don't.  He still has a vagina and he has the qualities you like in other women but as a man.  So you can get past the fact he is not a woman.  Your problem now is how to be you, a proud lesbian, and still keep his secret.  Like many, many post-op transsexuals they just want to blend in with society and be who they are and not be classified as a transsexual.

Counselling of course is advisable.  I also like the suggestion of you being Bi and your husband can be hetero.  Whether or not he would allow you to act on it or is that even an issue for you, is something else to deal with.  You can still support lesbianism as a Bi person and be monogamous without outing him.

Bonnie