5 replies to this topic

[stephani]

Ok , Now that I have your attention :

Lets get down to the nitty , Gritty , and the Dirty of it :
Have you used your relationship status as a leverage to maintain control over your SO ?
If so Why ?
What was the Out come ?
What were your true intentions?
Why would You expect them to Do such a thing ?
What thing did You ask and expect of them?

I ask this because in any relationship no matter if it be Hedero , Gay , Bi , or any other type there always seems to be a time when the partner uses tactics to force and issue , idea , or action from them to get their way , have You ever done such a thing or Has Your SO done such a thing , lets talk about it , we all know that it happens and often times have no idea what the other person was thinking by doing such a thing , how are we suppose to have a Loving Relationship when such tactics are being impressed upon us or them .

I am wondering because I have beeen accused of this sort of thing without realising that I was doing it , looking back I can say yeah , I am guilty ,

I admit to trying to play my SO so she would choose Me over Her Family , Why , Well this is a simple attempt to retain Her life control over her own life , Her Family imposses such harsh recorsive actions that she is and has for years been forced to give way  to their ideas and way of thinking even though you could see it just was not the way she wanted to go , so Yes by injecting my influances I changed an out come that Bettered Her life , Mine not so much but Hey we all make sacrafices for those we love , yes I loose the family but I gain a stronger Partner,Friend,and confidant .

I am not proud of myself for playing the two sides but I did set back for 18 years and watch her Dye inside , so To step in and intervein Heck yeah , I have Lost every thing so I had No more to loose by helping her regain her control over her life , Mine ah Fiddle stix and matches Jim My life is a turd being pushed up hill so I aint to much worried about it any more .

Please give your story , I am sure it will help ....

Hugs
Stephani

[Bonnie]

Hi Stephani,

I was not sure what you were asking at first but I think I know what you mean.  When I married my wife I thought I would be able to save her from her family.  Her father was very controlling.  She would tell me many things about her life growing up and how unhappy she was living at home.  We got engaged in an old fashion way and then she told me that I would have to begin going for Sunday lunch every week at the house.   She lived with her parents, brother and sister and her grandmother lived further down the street and came each Sunday lunch.  I thought this would be only until we were married.  Nope.  Every once in a while something would upset her father and he would take a tantrum, yes I related it to a 2 year old.  I kept quiet but would complain to her later that I wouldn't put up with that from my own parents why should I from hers?  Why do we have to come each week?  Why do you have to call your mother every evening?  Why why why?  I also knew that if I put my foot down we would be banished from the family and she would be miserable.  Her father did something one time and she put her foot down with him and we were banished for 4 months until her brother straightened out everything.  We missed a wedding because of it and my wife was very hurt by it.  Italian weddings are great times to see all the relatives and have a good time.  None of this made any difference to me but I could see how my wife felt.  My brother-in-law told us to just show up for Sunday lunch with no apologies and act like everything is ok and so we did and it was.  There were still many more times I wanted to tell her father what I thought of him but there was no point in that.  My kids both loved and feared him and life went on and there were many fond memories.  Maybe because I am a Libra I am always looking for a balance and it was found by keeping quiet and letting things be.  There were hard times and good times, more good ones so not quite a balance but I think you know what I mean.

Is your wife happier now?

Bonnie

[stephani]

Huh , well now My deasest , that is a start to the discussion , so now onward this has been setting to long without more responces .

[GreenShade]

Interesting question that you pose.  I am going to respond as an SO.  When my someone told me he wanted to become a woman, it put me into a mind-state where I felt out of control.  This was his decision, one that was non-negotiable. It left me feeling out of control within the relationship.  That produced fear, anxiety, panic, and a race to understand, so that I could find some solid ground for myself to stand on.  His decision was crossing all of my physical and emotional boundaries, dictating where our relationship would go as perceived by society, our friends, family, etc.--- and if we would continue to have a relationship at all.  Yes, at the announcement, I could have walked away.   But is that what you do when you love someone?   I didn't think so.  Suddenly, there was a huge " shift" within the relationship -- one which I did not feel I had any say in.   There are many situations in life where you feel powerless, helpless to do anything.  I think the greatest is death.   And wasn't that what happened?  He died, to begin a new existence, and this brought an end to the other state of being.  Did he realize what it meant to me at that point in time? They say whenever someone is determined to move on, they really don't think about what they are leaving behind....powerful stuff.

[stephani]

I know that she thought about it constantly even talked  herself out of changing the norm so many times as we all do but as I am sure you know see she truely had no choice or viable options left. It came down to two choices really one just not saying anything and walking away from loving you and your relationship, or two staying telling you and hoping that love would see you both through this difficult time. I choose that same route and still ended up loosing everything, so to you both I wish a beautiful Loving Full lufe Together.

Hugs
Stephani

[stephani]

I know that she thought about it constantly even talked  herself out of changing the norm so many times as we all do but as I am sure you know see she truely had no choice or viable options left. It came down to two choices really one just not saying anything and walking away from loving you and your relationship, or two staying telling you and hoping that love would see you both through this difficult time. I choose that same route and still ended up loosing everything, so to you both I wish a beautiful Loving Full lufe Together.

Hugs
Stephani