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Help - A Crossdresser

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Posted

I'm sorry, I really could not think of a better topic title.

As this is also my first post on this forum, I feel I should introduce myself a bit more.

I'm a 22 year old male, a recent graduate, who is (secretly) fond of crossdressing. I consider myself either straight or asexual.

Throughout the years, I have noticed how I felt more and more attracted towards crossdressing. I think it's that age-old cliché of "loving women so much, that I want to be one" (I think I got that quote from Ed Wood). I haven't crossdressed that much in my life (I still live with my unknowing parents). Throughout the years, I asked female friends if e.g. I could join their girlsnights and I would be willing to dress up. I always put it forward as some sort of absurd joke or a bet, so I wouldn't be seen as someone who really wants to dress up like a girl. I know...i'm a coward.

However, this kind of behaviour has taken its toll. Being both a crossdresser as well as a virgin, doesn't really make me feel "succesful". I have started to overthink my life, and for all sorts of reasons, paranoia has ensued. I write this message in tears. I have been feeling enormously depressed in this last month. I haven't left the house in two weeks, I lost 6,6 pounds in a week..and I'm feeling suicidal, and have thought frequently about ending it alltogether.

I can partly explain this by some events that have occurred over the last few weeks. As it is well known, facebook, google, etc keeps all our data (this has been in the news frequently). Consequently, I feel strong emotions in regards to privacy (what if my parents/friends get to hear this??). This has resulted in some sort of paranoia. This is where it all goes downhill. I see myself as a freak, a loser, etc. I am most ashamed actually about youtube videos I used to watch. I remember looking up tv show episodes where the male characters had to dress up as the opposite sex in order to escape from something. Also footage of people who lost a bet and had to where a dress, etc. I watched those things regularly on youtube. Why? Not because I was sexually aroused, but because I wanted to be in a situation where I had to dress up as the opposite sex, much like the people in the youtubeclip. I feel utterly utterly ashamed by it. I start to feel like I was a pedophile, or some sort of sexual predator, which I swear by all means, I'm not!!! I really can't seem to handle this burden much longer. I was wondering if there are some people here who recognise themselves in this story and are willing to give some advice or want to cool me down. I'm starting to feel like I cannot think clearly anymore. sad.png

Again, it's like the Beatles sang:

When I was younger, so much younger than today

I never needed anybody's help in any way (now)

But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured (and now I find)

Now I find, I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors

Thanks in advance

smile.png

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Posted

Hi Asterix,

I'm glad you were able to open up with us. Believe me when I tell you that many of our members have dealt with the fears, frustrations and insecurities that you described. I think the key is to determine what you need to do to be comfortable with yourself. Please... consult a counselor who has experience dealing with transgender issues. If you feel suicidal, don't put this off!

It seems to me, as I read through your post, that you are being affected by the negative stigma attached to cross dressing. Many of us who are just a bit older than you grew up in a very repressed society where the mere suggestion of such a thing was enough to get you ridiculed or physically assaulted. Things have gotten somewhat better, but there is so much more work to be done. Many, many people are more enlightened today and understand that being transgender is not a perversion. It is an identity issue. We don't molest children. We don't hurt people. Many of us are very respectable citizens holding very responsible positions in society. Check out our forums to learn who some of these people are.

I think you will do well to realize this is part of who you are and it isn't wrong. It does create some difficulties because of the negative reactions you might face from some uninformed people, but you can deal with that. You have to accept yourself and don't let ignorant, bigoted people define who you are.

Welcome to TGGuide. You're among friends and many of us have dealt with the same issues you're dealing with now. Feel free to jump into our discussions. Love yourself and celebrate your diversity!

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Posted

There aren't too many posts that affect me...it was all I could do to keep from folding into a full out good cry after reading this intro. And while I really don't like caving to stereotypes, crying is not something I like to admit to.

Asterix...as Lori has already mentioned - you are not alone. I think most, if not all of us, have had all the same feelings, fears, emotions, anxieties, etc., as you. And of course, like you...some of us still are.

I know Lori already said it, but it's worth repeating...

......................*you are not a pedophile

.....................*you are not a pervert or abomination

.....................*you are not a loser or a freak

.....................*and watching the youtube vids is no different than, say, fantasizing about being someone of the same gender a person identifies as.

There's no shame in wishing you could be in a situation that gives you an "excuse" to dress as a woman any more than it is for me to prefer being in situations that allowed me to dress as a man (like my job did). I was able to dress in a manner that afforded me comfort within my own skin without anyone knowing "my little secret."

Funny you quoted that bit from the Beatles' song "Help!" Just a few days ago, that song came on the radio. I hadn't heard it in a long time. I've always liked the song, but for some reason, for the first time, those very words hit me hard.

Try to hang in there and look for counselling as Lori has suggested. You're young... very much younger than quite a few of us here. Young or old however, we all understand. And understanding can make a world of difference. Welcome to TGG

-Michael

P.S. ... As for your choice for a topic title, IMHO, I don't think there was a better one.

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Posted

Hell, Michael has already summed up any sentiments I may have posted , you go MICHAEL !!!!!!!!!! :blink::):D

Aside from that , welcome . I'm glad you made the BOLD move to join us here .

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Posted

"I'm starting to feel like I cannot think clearly anymore. sad.png"

I know exactly how you feel. Its ok... I'm going through all of that myself.

I'm sure all on this forum have at one time or another.

At this time I can no longer function normally. Every waking second of every day, my need to be open and honest is over shadowing any perceived discomfort associated with admitting to the world who I am. It is ALL I THINK ABOUT!!! Constantly! I cant go from room to room without being distracted by my own thoughts on this subject.

It has been all I have been able to think about for more than five years. This is why I know now is the right time for this. The pain of hiding far exceeds any possible pain the truth may bring..

I am no expert, but I believe you being open and honest with yourself first, as you are being, is the first step into making sense of how we feel.

Hang in there, you/we will be ok

Karin'

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