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Posted

Hi Girls! 

Sorry, this is going to be a long one! But as I am an infrequent poster - please be patient. x

Wow, I almost left you for good! Last Friday I almost "purged" my lovely Josiekat! I threw away my breast forms and hip pads; and then resolved to stop cross dressing forever.

Of course - the next day Josiekat was back full force, and I was forcefully reminded that Josiekat IS me and always will be - throwing away her clothes and accouterments will just leave her with nothing to wear, and no feminine figure to wear them on!

It was interesting to observe my internal dialogue over the weekend. The drive to purge, came from my sense of Josiekat increasingly dominating my attention, and getting in the way of my other interests and responsibilities. However, I realised that this is mostly due to the sexual aspect of crossdressing  - and once I have (please forgive my crudeness) relieved myself my male self feels ashamed (unbelievable - get over your male-self!) Unfortunately, I only really have sexual feelings when I am Josie, and its very difficult to separate the drive to express my femininity from those feelings.

I'm sure many of you will tell me to "come out of the closet" and stop lying to the people around me! Which I do understand - I generally think dishonesty is a bad thing - but I am just not ready for that yet. I have barely come to terms with my feminine persona myself, and I'm far from taking that step (my bad!)

Ladies - I'm not really asking for advice/solutions (although feel free if you want to) rather I'm just processing the issues my near-purge has raised for me; and am curious about your own relationship with you femme selves.

Love you girls!

Jk >'.'< x

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Posted

Dear Josie,

Indeed, what you did, felt, and feel is so common, perhaps the main commonality between all of us. I can't count the number of times I've purged and I miss some of those clothes. I don't think I'll do that ever again but to do this day my brain still looks askance at some of what I feel and do. Why? I guess my uncertainties arise from social conditioning. But maybe it doesn't matter where they come from, it's only important to be aware and accept they they exist. And in that light, like accepting the fact that I am transgender, accept that I have these disconcerting thoughts too.

I would never tell you to come out of the closet, tell friends and family. I am also a very honest person and lying weighs on me. But none of us are ever 100% honest. Do you comment to a friend that her dress looks dowdy even if it does? No, that would hurt her feelings. Coming out to anyone is a deeply personal decision. It may hurt, both you and the recipients. So it is okay to reflect, amid while doing so, take care of yourself, which may include wearing whatever clothing you need to. 

I hope this helps you even a little.

Hugs,

Emma

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Posted

Nikki purged a lot over the last 17 years (I don't mean clothes, he's only started actually acting on his feelinds/needs in a physical way recently, before that I think the entire thing was trying to control his feelings and figure out what was 'wrong with him' in his head and online).  While the times he did it beause he honestly wasn't having the feelings at that time was fine, he was making choices that made him happy and him happy always made me happy, the times he did it when the feelings where there and he was scared what would happen to us in retrospect did not do us any favors.  It's such a complicated issue. 

Be who you are, feel what you feel, and do what you need to be happy.  Be as gentle as you can to those around you, don't forget they are there and affected while you do so, but by gentle I mean willing to talk and help them work through their feelings and try to understand the ones you don't agree with while you are asking them to understand the ones they don't.  Understanding to me doesn't mean acceptance, it means a better ability to communicate and hear and know a person more completely.  I don't want to sound like I'm at all advocating one person sublimating their feelings for anothers, ever.  I just learned the hard way (before this, has nothing to do with Nikki) that how we deal with ourselves and others has such a huge effect on how an issue plays out. 

Find you happy! I'm cheering for you!

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Posted

it sounds like your sexual excitement plays a big part in the ebbs and flows of how feminine you feel (and vice-versa) and how much you accept or reject or get scared about yourself that way. I find it never a good idea to make big decisions during the high of sexual excitement or desire, nor soon after intense climax. it's a different mind set than usual. but good for you that you recovered so fast from your little purge. There's nothing more private than your sexuality and sexual identity, so I consider it completely my decision about what to tell others. There's no moral superior or inherent superiority of any kind for how you roll with it. It's the most personal and changeable decision.

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Posted

Wow - I wasnt expecting such understanding, supportive and inciteful responses!!!

I totally agree to being kind to others, and especially to ones self (which is sometimes the harder of the two)

I suppose the worse part of being a cross dresser is to have this dicotemy of self's (a deliberate misspell) and have to keep one part secret! But I suppose that applies to a lot of areas of life - after all when I worked in an office, I displaid a different persona than when I was intimate with my partner - and I was happy to keep my personal life private.

I think what I experienced on Friday was Josiekat asserting herself, followed by male-self of keeping her firmly in line. Perhaps, emotional/sensitive/gentle  vs rational/responsible/authorative!

My conclusion so far, is that Josiekat needs more of an outlet - and not just the sexual side of her!

Jk >'.'< x

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Posted

Well Josiekat we all went through purging especially in the beginning and what a waste of money and time. Purging does nothing but empty the bank account sis. On the other hand I agree there are some people you have to keep it a secret. I look back and realize it wasnt such a good idea to come out to my parents since I live so far away now and wasnt necessary. Not sure they ever accepted or tolerated it so use your discretion with that one sis. 

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Posted

Wow - I wasnt expecting such understanding, supportive and inciteful responses!!!

I totally agree to being kind to others, and especially to ones self (which is sometimes the harder of the two)

I suppose the worse part of being a cross dresser is to have this dicotemy of self's (a deliberate misspell) and have to keep one part secret! But I suppose that applies to a lot of areas of life - after all when I worked in an office, I displaid a different persona than when I was intimate with my partner - and I was happy to keep my personal life private.

I think what I experienced on Friday was Josiekat asserting herself, followed by male-self of keeping her firmly in line. Perhaps, emotional/sensitive/gentle  vs rational/responsible/authorative!

My conclusion so far, is that Josiekat needs more of an outlet - and not just the sexual side of her!

Jk >'.'< x

​Ya know, I think maybe you should reach out to KittenNikki (and I"ll try to get him to reach out, but he's shy and if you made the first message he tends to open up as long as someone else starts the convo!).  He's also coming to terms with his crossdressing vs. life (the more he and I are researching together the more he's starting to identify with this potential and exploring what it means to him) and the demands it makes on his time, psyche, and other areas.  For him the crossdressing is emotional rather than sexual unless I'm interacting with him (Add me to his mix and his mood dynamic changes fast), and that may sound weird that I Think you two would benefit from each other, but I think that two people who share something like this with different response to how it plays out might benefit both of you.  I know I learn more about my personal being vs. my add condition when I talk to other people whose add manifests radically different from mine.  And I've noticed there is a sort of low amount of crossdressers posting in general, so maybe making a friend connection wouldn't be bad.  :)   Maybe you can loosen him up and he can help you express more Josiekat! 

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Posted

Hiya Josie. Josie, You know that You can talk anytime Honey. You have My support, whatever You decide, whether to keep JosieKat going, or however You decide to go. Josie, I Know that I Am A Fully; Full-Time; MtoF; Transitioning ; Transsexual; but Us Buckinghamshire T'Girl's could Help to support Each Other. ( Plenty of My Friend's, are Part-Time CD's ). Josie, as I say, If You'd like to talk, let Me Know . Also, I think that Briannah's suggestion, about You and Nikki Speaking Together, I think Will do You Both Good ! Josie, Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx 

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Posted

Everyone's experiences here are so universal. We should at least take some comfort in that. My advice would be, if you feel the urge to purge, purge into a box in your closet or garage. You can tell yourself that in a couple weeks that will make it easier to take them to the trash or Goodwill. At least then you'll have given yourself some time for further consideration.

But if you do or have purged, well, I have too! So many times... B) 

But not any more!

Emma

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Posted

Ahhhh, thanks everyone! Kind responses all! Sorry, I can't reply to each in person but I really appreciate your time!

- How do I message kittennikki? 

- Incidentally, Ive just realised that I have purged in other areas of my life in the past. Usually, when I've moved on or to another from/to a new direction in life. I ditched possessions that seemed like excess baggage for the new journey - not out of shame but out of a sense of taking control of my life!

So I guess, male-self is faced with that to-be or not to-be choice of keeping Josiekat in the closet, or ditching her and taking a new direction... Perhaps it's time for Josiekat II - a new improved version, who works WITH male-self instead of against..?

Jk >'.'< x

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Posted

Hiya Josie. Josie, You know that You can talk anytime Honey. You have My support, whatever You decide, whether to keep JosieKat going, or however You decide to go. Josie, I Know that I Am A Fully; Full-Time; MtoF; Transitioning ; Transsexual; but Us Buckinghamshire T'Girl's could Help to support Each Other. ( Plenty of My Friend's, are Part-Time CD's ). Josie, as I say, If You'd like to talk, let Me Know . Also, I think that Briannah's suggestion, about You and Nikki Speaking Together, I think Will do You Both Good ! Josie, Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx 

Hi Stephanie, so sorry I have not responded to your kind offer of friendly support!

I really do want to connect with you - but not sure the best way to go about it! I'm OK about sharing Josiekat with you, but I feel this is massive for me, and I don't want to burden you with my self-obsession! 

I'm sure I'm being silly - as usual - and if you can suffer a little self obsession on my part, I will do my best to give and take!

Therefore - gulp - what's the next step.

X

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Posted

Ahhhh, thanks everyone! Kind responses all! Sorry, I can't reply to each in person but I really appreciate your time!

- How do I message kittennikki? 

- Incidentally, Ive just realised that I have purged in other areas of my life in the past. Usually, when I've moved on or to another from/to a new direction in life. I ditched possessions that seemed like excess baggage for the new journey - not out of shame but out of a sense of taking control of my life!

So I guess, male-self is faced with that to-be or not to-be choice of keeping Josiekat in the closet, or ditching her and taking a new direction... Perhaps it's time for Josiekat II - a new improved version, who works WITH male-self instead of against..?

Jk >'.'< x

Nikki's on the forum, but if it's easier for you I will poke him when he gets home tonight and ask him to pm you.  He's in tech support so I can try the don't be shy Shewear asked me how to contact you.  I know I'm biased but once Nikki gets talking he's awesome to know and easy to talk with!

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