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KayleeEl

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About KayleeEl

  • Birthday 07/27/1982

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  1. Aw you poor, poor thing! I'm very happy that your wife was there to give you the cuddle you needed at the end. Someone just to hold you so it doesn't feel like your about to cry your own soul out. I empathise totally and I'm really glad someone was there for you : ) : )
  2. Don't get me started! It happens all the time >:|
  3. That's an interesting discussion point you raise. If I may chime in- I don't feel like a 'woman' either. I feel like me. I am a transgender woman. I don’t really think anyone actually feels like a ‘woman’, they just feel like them. In honesty, if I had the choice to be born female I don't know that I would: I actually quite like me the way that I am. Weird, right? It took a little while, but I'm a lot happier with my body and appearance now. I've not had surgery, but (lucky genetics?) I had quite soft facial features to start with. Basically the only things I've done are hormones, eaten lots to put on weight and had electrolysis. There is no gold standard. There's no minimum bar that you must be able to limbo under. I'm actually quite jealous of people who have had reassignment surgery... but not enough to really do it myself. I'd like larger breasts, but mine are presentable. It's about being comfortable being you, and being you takes time and exploration. Sincerely I apologise for talking about 'me' when I'm trying to make a more general point, I'm just my only point of reference : ( It seems that partly we spend huge amounts of time in our own heads. It's totally understandable, we have a lot to think about and naturally we fret about what the people around us will think. The bizarre reality seems to be, at least in the UK, that nobody honestly gives a flying flip. Genuinely. I've had occasional looks, but in honesty not for months. The only difference is that I'm better practiced dressing for my style and more confident. Nobody outside really gives a tinker's cuss one way or the other- they're wrapped up in their own heads, with their own problems. The same is true at work. I transitioned in my last job and everyone was nothing but supportive. Most people are pretty good natured. Now the caveat to that is those close to us. That's the real kick in the teeth. The ones who should support us most are (in my opinion) the most likely to do the most damage. They're more invested in us, you see. They have put much more of themselves into 'us' as they believe us to be, so when we turn around and show them who we really were all along they can't see the butterfly, they just miss the caterpillar and may be resentful of all the personal energy they put into knowing it. In order to be you, you need time and space. No, not like that. I know you're thinking about Sci Fi. You need the room to see how you want to evolve and you need the time to experiment with those evolutions. I went though a heavy goth phase as part of my transition, then dressing like a tramp, and now I'm just 'normal'. Those phases were very important, because it helped me learn what I liked, what I didn't like, what suited me, what made me happy. When I started, I was desperate for surgery. I wanted it yesterday. If my soul had been he asking price then you wouldn't have seen it but for the blur as I handed it over. Room and time. Now I'm not so fussed. I might actually prefer to use that money for a house deposit, or a car, or a monkey (and a hat for the monkey), or a beagle that I can name Smeagol. There are only two constraints to room and time. One is us, and our concern about upsetting people, going beyond the pale etc. and the other is those close to us. They're smallest reactions make much greater ripples than the overreactions of acquaintances. So, Emma. To be Emma you must know what it means to be Emma. To do that you need to try the stuff you want to try, and don't worry about protecting others by limiting yourself. You need to try, fail, learn and try some more. Maybe skirts won’t suit you, maybe they will. Maybe crossdressing in private will be enough, maybe it won’t. Maybe you will end up making it happen and doing the whole damned lot of facial surgery, reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, hormones, hair removal. Maybe your beloved will be sincerely happy that she now knows the real you. Maybe she’ll love you more. Maybe she won’t. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Ultimately whatever you do, it’s likely be the same as what everyone else does. We muddle along. We don’t know the outcomes and can’t see the future: we just sort of burble through it and try for the best. See if you can find a muddle-y way to experiment with your identity (clothes and makeup are only a part of it but they do help, given our society’s deeply ingrained gender roles). Muddling is all we can do. But trust me on the beagle, I will make that mofo happen. Sorry for the patronising garbage. I drew a picture to make it better:
  4. Good luck with the skirt :)
  5. Hi Emma, It sounds like your sister at the meeting has some of the same qualities I see in others of her generation. Specifically, the idea that because it was hard for them then it should be hard for you. I should expect she had to spend a lot of her life being someone else, pretending. Finally, when she knew who she was, she probably had to spend a very long time explaining it. Justifying it. She may even feel like being transgender is almost a 'club', for which the price of admission is soul-searching, justification and suffering. Anyone who has not done those things is not really transgender and needs to shape up or find somewhere else to sling their hook. Naturally she's mistaken, and whilst I can only sympathise with her for whatever hardships have given her a flint-like edge you are well within your rights to feel hurt. She hurt you and must take responsibility for that. There is no admission cost, there is no minimum level of suffering or pain one must go through. Being transsexual is as much a part of us as the sheen on our eyes or the subdermal scattering of our skin. There's an old joke that goes something like this: Q: "How many transsexuals does it take to change a light bulb?" A: "One. But only after they have first lived in the dark for at least two years and have the agreement of two psychiatrists that the bulb is, indeed, blown." The lengths we have to go to 'prove' who we are can have bad effects on people. They must take responsibility for inflicting that down on to others. You don't have to prove anything, however. There is no timescale, no measure and no schedule except your own. I'm sure the shirt and ballet shoes looked very nice and suited you well. Personally I found the first time I wore a long skirt to be almost like breathing freedom. Kaylee.
  6. Hi Brian congratulations on being proud and deciding to move forward towards who you actually are, rather than who people think you might be. Good luck! x
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