Or throw me off the roof. 

I truly hate life. Everything about myself, I despise. I’m like Poe in that respect. Born in misery, lived in misery, died in misery. All that’s left is to finally die.

They want us to be both ignorant and stupid. This is what the “greatest country on earth” is doing to its citizens. This is the freedom we brag so heavily about.

I’m ready to move to a shack in Saudi Arabia or North Korea where at least I know that I hold no value. Not somewhere that tries to cover it up with lies and full on deception.

Help?

Is it wrong of me to wish I had never come out, and just continued to live as a man? It would be so incredibly much easier, but a lot more miserable too.

I just don’t know what to think. So is it wrong of me to wish I had kept it to myself. That would be easier…… right?

I guess I’m just scared to death about all the 🤬 that is happening against us. I fear for our lives just checking the mail. We have a court date this week, and I’m scared they’re going to rule against us simply because I’m trans.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can be who I really am, or pretend to be someone I’m not.

I'm a card carrying member of The Satanic Temple (TST). TST itself is a very active "church" if you will. We host protests and petition for religious equality and bodily autonomy. You have probably heard of the protest to place a Baphomet statue alongside the ten commandments monument on the grounds of the state capitol in Arkansas. Our view was that if one religion had the right to erect it's monument, then all religions should have the right. The backlash was huge, but our goal was achieved. It brought attention to the situation, which is all we wanted. Also in Scottsdale Arizona they have refused Satanic invocations at city council meetings but allowed Christians to give prayers at the meetings. That's another fight.

We have our 7 tenets, the same way any religion has it's views.

• 1) One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.
• 2) The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
• 3) One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
• 4) The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.
• 5) Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs.
• 6) People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.
• 7) Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

We believe that every individual should strive to be the best person they can. Sure most religions do, but many do not adhere to that. Valerie Tarico of Salon wrote that the tenets were egalitarian and "truer to the words of Jesus Christ than most Christians," referring to the tenets as expressing the primacy of compassion and empathy and conducive to a path to equanimity.

We disagree with other Satanic organizations, and have been slandered by some. Our spokesperson is Lucien Greaves. He is the one to look to if you have questions. Also anyone who has Hulu should check out the documentary Hail Satan? as it's a great insight. You can also check the website as it gives a lot of insight to our activities. There's so much in our organization that I think a lot of people would consider joining if they only knew what it was. I'm not seeking conversions, just enlightenment's.

I am a better person because of being Satanic. It has helped me reach an understanding that otherwise I never would have thought of. It has made me a stronger woman. I'm able to be the woman I am because of the teachings of Satanism.

Below are a couple pics of actual billboards that we have put up.

Why the hell is this happening? That’s what I want to know. I’m also wondering if it has somehow become a sick rite of passage or something. Do the shooters even think prior to doing this? And if they do (highly unlikely) what thoughts do they have that could possibly justify killing the innocent? The children killed have never even had the opportunity to really start their lives. I’m just at a complete loss right now. I just wonder if the flags should just be left at half mast permanently. And often, the shooter is killed by law enforcement. Was that their ultimate goal? Were they ever taught any kind of morals? Do they have a hidden history of violence in any fashion? I’m as misanthropic as it gets, but I would never harm a child. Adults is a different story. But children are COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS. No one has the right to harm a child. I was beaten literally daily until I was 18 when my sperm donor finally died. I have intervened several times when I’ve been out to block the abuse aimed at a child. 
 

I just can’t possibly fathom why anyone would do such a thing.

I can’t stand anything about myself anymore. There is nothing redeemable about this worthless corpse. I don’t warrant any kind of self worth. So many times I feel like leaving and going back to living on the streets. Dumpster diving for food. Filling up 2 liter bottles for water. It’s what’s familiar, what feels right, and what feels natural.

What else? I would probably end up using again. I deserve nothing better. I’m a freak. An abomination. An unwanted and unwelcome monster. There is nothing about me of value. The day I die will be the one and only day in my entire life that I ever did anything that was of value.

My biggest question is this: dream, or pipe dream?

I want to talk about my family. There are 6 people. That's all the family I have.

I'll start with my wife, Adrianne. She found me when I was just a couple months clean. She has done more for me than she honestly should have. She takes care of me in ways that I never could have thought someone would. She has been my rock for 17 years come October. She supports me in everything I do and everything I am. i have helped her a tiny bit too. I've helped her gain some confidence and self respect, and she now knows how to say "no" and how to stand up for herself. I couldn't live without her.

Next is my best friend. I talked about her in the blog post about her saving me from my racism. I'll stick with the name I gave her there. Lauren is my savior. I wish I knew how, but she ended the racism that I had fought for literally decades. She is shy, but still amazing. She always checks in to make sure I'm doing good, and I make sure she is ok as well. I've never had a friend before, so it still feels alien to me to say that I have one, even though we have been close for over a year at this point. What can I say other than Lauren is a godsend. Or maybe more appropriately, Goddess sent?

Now we have to talk about my other family. They aren't blood, but they are my family. They are a Hispanic family and they have gone beyond friends to family that means more to me than blood. The mother and father I call my brother and sister. A little weird for a married couple maybe, but I don't care. Their son and daughter see me as their aunt Jennifer. Their mother specifically told me that. And I see them as my niece and nephew. They have been the kindest, most loving people I have ever met. During the last presidential administration, I was terrified that they were in danger simply due to their ethnicity, despite them all being American. Sure, they've been to Mexico and spent a good amount of time there, but that doesn't mean they aren't from the states.
I was even able to ask them to pick us up some dog food when we ran out and our car wasn't running as well. Obviously I paid them for their time and for the food. But no one else would have done anything like that. Not even Adrianne's parents. Adrianne's mother actually told her that we "should have Beaner and Clover killed" because we were getting a bulldog. Those were the exact words she used. I was enraged when Adrianne told me about that. I haven't let her see Lady in years, because the last time she was around her she actually terrorized her. She would chase her around their house shaking a can of pennies at her. Pitbulls are scared to death of loud sounds. And the pennies scared her. After I found out about that abuse, I said never again. That was about 3 years ago, and they haven't seen Lady since.

I never had a family growing up. I had biological links to several people, but no family save my paternal grandmother. Now I have 6 people who are family. I've been homeless, abused as a child, fought addiction, and mercilessly bullied to name a few things. Now I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, family who cares, a woman who loves me, and even a few luxuries. Despite not having a lot of money, I consider myself extremely wealthy.

With all that considered, what more does a person really need?

Who am I? I wish by the Gods I could answer that. Am I the same loser I always was from my first memory until this very moment? Am I something more? Am I something less? Does it matter? Do I matter? Would anyone even understand if I tried telling them?

What am I? Am I still a joke? A punching bag? The world’s whipping child? A whiny brat who can’t make up their own pathetic mind?

Does this inane rambling matter to anyone, myself included? By the very definition of “inane”, the answer is a solid NO. So apparently there is no point. I wish I could think of a replacement that would be an improvement over me. But even with my value circling the drain, it’s hard to find someone who is masochistic enough to be willing to step into my shoes.

”All that I loved, I loved alone.”
- Edgar Allen Poe

I collect skulls. This will be relevant in a moment. I have an ad on Craigslist looking for skulls to buy or trade for. I've gotten a few good ones that way. Well one day I got a reply to that ad. A woman, I'll call her Lauren (not her real name) was just saying that she thought it was neat that I collect, and that she has always liked skulls too. We got to talking back and forth a lot. Gossip mostly.

She is mixed race. Her father is white and her mother is black. I don't know how she did it, but Lauren broke that racism. I can only guess that the Great Goddess sent her for that very purpose. Within a couple weeks of talking to her through text, I was over it. I even put Black Lives Matter on the back of my car, and ordered a few car window flags for the movement. Previously I would have added the word "don't" to that. Adrianne is still shocked, and so am I. Neither of us can figure out how she did it, but we're both over the moon that someone was finally able to pull my head out of my ass and end it.

We're still great friends. We hit it off almost instantly. We text daily, and if the weather was willing to cooperate, I would be heading over to her place right now, this very moment.

Lauren was a savior that brought me a chance at redemption. She ended the hate one racist felt. I just wish every racist could meet their own Lauren. I was lucky. Not all are.

When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed.

I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bisexual and trans. If I had come out back then, it would have gotten me killed. If I wanted to live I had to keep those thoughts to myself and ignore them. So I was closeted for a very long time. And the self loathing was almost to nuclear levels.

Here's where I'll lose friends.

I was out one night and committed a hate crime. It was a gay bashing. I came across a gay man. I attacked him simply for being gay. I beat him and almost killed him. We didn't know each other, so he couldn't really give a description of who did it. As such I never faced any criminal charges. But I did, and still do have a lifetime of shame, and hating myself for what I did to him. I'm not going to offer a reason or excuse for what I did, because there is none. There is no excuse for doing something like that. And there is no reason for it. I only mentioned being taught the hate, to try to give a look into just how screwed up I was.

And I still am.

I don't like looking myself in the mirror, simply because I remember what I did. In all honesty, I deserve someone doing the same to me, for the same reason. Put me in his shoes, so to speak.

I did run into him at the store a number of years later. It turned out he had to have an eye removed due to my worthlessness. He was scared at first when he saw me, but I reassured him he was in no danger. I told him I only wanted to apologize for what I did. I knew that no words could make up for what I did to him, but wanted him to know how much I regret what I had done. He just looked at me for a few seconds. Then he said he appreciated the apology, but still wasn't at a place where he could accept it or forgive me. I told him that I doubted he ever would reach that place. I gave him my name, address, phone number, and email. I told him that if he ever wanted to contact me for any reason that I would always answer. And that if he decided he wanted to press charges, that I wouldn't fight it. I would plead guilty and take the punishment I deserved. He said he appreciated that, but not to hold my breath. We walked away from each other at that point.

I know trying to apologize was a step in the right direction, but I didn't feel any better. I still felt like the scum of the earth. I know for doing what I did, I am and always will be absolutely despicable. This isn't a "woe is me" post. I don't deserve any sympathy or pity. Give that to him. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Some of you will be asking, why didn't I just turn myself in? I did talk to a cop about that. His exact words will forever be etched into my mind. He said:
"So what? You beat a f**. F him."

Prejudice plays a role in the legal system on whether or not the cops do anything, apparently.

But that is the end of this post. If that gets me expelled from this site, I understand. I hope it won't, but I won't be surprised if it does. And to the friends that I have lost, and all the respect that I have lost, I understand that too. Maybe, if I'm not banned, someday I can earn your friendship back. Even if there's an asterisk by it.

So what do you do when you want someone to "let you down easy" as they say? You ask your mother. If your mother is no longer in the picture, you ask a wall. What do you do when you want someone to give it to you straight, no matter how that will affect you and the relationship between you? You can come to me if you're brave enough. Like I said, there will be no tact. I know here at this forum, I have to watch my language. And I respect that. The third Satanic rule of the earth says

When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

Being that I do not own this website and forum, that constitutes me being in someone else's lair. Hence, their rules. If I don't like their rules then I can go elsewhere. They're not going to change anything for me, or make any special exemptions for me. Why the in the name of the Gods would they? I'm not anyone special.

The thing people don't like about me is, as already stated, that I don't care if I hurt your feelings. If you ask me a question, you get an honest answer. If you ask me an asinine question, then you will get an asinine answer.

A woman got in my face at Walmart one day. It was apparent that she was anti-trans. She finally asked me why I would wear women's clothing. I was done with her at that point. I looked at her and very loudly said "Because my F-ing klan hood is dirty!"

I don't have a klan hood as I'm not an inbred racist. But she wanted to act like an idiot, so I treated her like one. There were other events in that whole situation, but nothing that I think I can get into here, as I'm a violent person. If anyone is curious PM me, and I'll send you my Reddit post.

So do I care, that I may insult you with honesty? Not one damn bit. You asked for honesty, you get honesty.

If you don't want honesty, DON'T INVOLVE ME.

When I was in my junior year, I started noticing people in the town I went to school in acting strange when they saw me. I at first thought they realized that I would just as soon stomp them than look at them. I thought they would finally back off and leave me the * alone. I was more than off.

Apparently, someone in school had gotten the bright idea to start spreading rumors that I had an assault rifle and said I was going to open fire at graduation and set up bombs at prom.

Excuse me? What?

Ok lets get one thing straight. I'm not a lunatic. I can act like I am in jest, but I'm not. Give me a little credit here. If I had inclinations to do something like that, how stupid would I have to be to announce it first? I may not be the president of Mensa, but my IQ is still bigger than my shoe size. Second, I had no idea how to even build a simple pipe bomb. My experience with explosives was Black Cats. Third, where the hell am I getting this assault rifle they want so badly for me to use?

The bullying had been nuclear since I moved into the district, but I was the one getting suspended for it. Which caused the beatings at home to become worse, which in turn caused me to be even meaner at school. But that's irrelevant to this.

The night of prom, I thought it was still 2 weeks away. I was at a place that I volunteered at. I'm standing there behind the register, and I see someone coming down the stairs into the store. I go to say hello, and it turns out to be a cop. Now this store is not the type of place you will find a cop. It's a hippie type place that isn't really favored by the local law force. So I'm taken aback a bit by seeing him. He comes up to me and asks if I'm Jared. I was like "Uhh....yeah." He then proceeds to ask me what my plans are that night. I told him I was picking up my girlfriend and a couple friends and we were going to go out to a local dance hall called Good Time. After that we were all going home and going to bed as it would be 1:00 in the morning. He asked if I had any other plans. I asked him if he had * in his ears, and that I had just told him my plans. Then I asked him why the hell he cared. That was when I found out about the bomb threat. I know in a small town things can get boring, but is this really what it has to resort to for entertainment? He then said he peeked in my truck and saw some bullets in the console. I was like "your point?". He asked if he could search my truck. I asked for his warrant. He didn't have one. I told him bring a warrant and he could search it all day. He asked me why I said no. I told him it was because I was through letting the cops harass me every second of the day. I literally couldn't go anywhere at the time without one of them tailing me. And Gods forbid I get within 20 miles of anywhere that sold guns or ammo. I eventually started taking wild courses through neighborhoods, and off roads to lose them so I could get a few moments peace. If they had been up my butt any further, they would have been sticking out my nose.

The reason there were bullets in my truck was because it was close to deer season and I had been at the range with my rifle.

I had no idea where prom was even being held, but was warned that if I was seen near there I would be detained. FOR WHAT? DRIVING? If I fart are you going to arrest me for chemical warfare? I laughed in his face and told him he couldn't arrest me for being in the vicinity. Being in the vicinity of Auschwitz does not mean I'm Adolf Hitler.

By that point I was beyond livid. I called someone up to relieve me, and I went in the back to try to settle down. One guy bought me a bottle of tea, and talked me down. I'm not going to lie, I wanted so bad to deck that cop. After I was able to talk without screaming I explained what was going on. He was white as a sheet when I finished. He offered to go on record on my behalf, but I told him it wouldn't do any good. In a small minded town, anyone different, with different beliefs, is a target. And it doesn't matter how many people go to bat for them. They're all going to strike out whether they hit the ball or not.

From what I heard, parents from kids in every grade were calling the school wanting to know if it was safe to send their kids in. My supposed "aunt" was the secretary in the office, but she didn't help the situation. When they asked if she knew me, she admitted that she had known me my whole life and that she was my aunt. But she also volunteered that I was a weird and disturbed child.

Thanks.

That was halfway into the year. That was also when I dropped out. I heard that at what would have been my graduation there were undercover cops there. Obviously nothing happened, or I wouldn't be typing this. I honestly did consider making a speech about bullying there, and then putting a bullet in my own head after letting them know that they drove me to it. Once again, obviously that didn't happen either.

Here's the kicker that makes me sick to this day. After I dropped out, I vowed to never go back to that town for any reason, and I have kept that vow. But when nothing happened at graduation, a new rumor formed. 

I never specified what graduation I was going to shoot up or which prom I was going to bomb.

So for the last 20 years there have been undercover cops at every school function. Specifically graduation and prom. And they move prom every year so I have a harder time finding it.

I would love to let loose with a lot of words that aren't allowed, because I feel like it would help me blow off some steam. But I would rather be allowed here in somewhat decent standing, as opposed to five minutes of posting a hundred vulgarities and being banned.

This is part of why it was easy to be clinically diagnosed a sociopath. Because after treatment of this caliber, human life has grown to mean absolutely nothing to me. I won't go into detail about what actions I would take in certain situations, but rest assured, the diagnosis is spot on. I'm more misanthropic than anyone can know. I've gone numb anymore. I'm willing to offer my thoughts, and I mean what I say or I wouldn't say it. But those words are invalidated when applied to myself. I've become a cutter, just to feel something. Anything. I love seeing the blood well up and start running down. I have all kinds of scars on my arm. Sometimes I even rub salt in the wound.

When you've got nothing, and never had a chance, you take what you can get. And all too often, it's still nothing.

You can only fall so far, before there's nowhere left to go.

Times up.

The worthless hunk if junk has screwed me for the last time. I was leaving the doctors office, and the sliding door, on the passenger side with the ramp, CAME OFF THE EXPLETIVE DELETED TRACK!!!!

My anxiety and stress are through the roof now. I wish I had a mannequin or something so I would have someone to strangle.

I made the video below about her last year. She's my heart and soul.

I look at life and it holds nothing. There is nothing. It may pass the pain on, but at least mine would end.

That clip sums it up exactly.

I'm 38 and in a wheelchair.

I have Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy type 1. Within 3-4 years I won't be able to walk at all in any capacity. My body is deteriorating. Not just my body, but my cognitive faculties as well.

I didn't get in a car accident and break both my legs. This isn't temporary. I'll never get out of this chair. Some people may think that it's nice that I have something to carry me around. I would trade them this chair for the ability to walk in a heartbeat. 3 steps and I pass out. Too much exertion.

I never saw my life coming to this end. I never in a million years would have seen myself being confined to a wheelchair by the time I was in my mid 30's.

MMD type 1 is a terminal disease. It has taken years off my life. Obviously I don't know how many. I've discussed it with Adrianne. If it comes earlier than expected, she will come here and make a post to let everyone know.

I hate this life that I'm forced to live. I can't take care of myself fully. I have to have help. Adrianne went on a cruise with her parents a few years ago, and she had some family of ours (friends that are now family) come over every day to check on me. I was in my 30's and had to have a babysitter. I'm a full grown adult, and had a babysitter. You have no idea how humiliating that was. I felt like an invalid. Like I was being told that I could never last if I didn't have someone here. My egg donor was back in here reminding me how worthless and useless I am. I heard that all day every day. My sperm donor was back beating me. I was defeated. I still am. I'm not a person. Even the federal government says so. I'm a nonperson. I just got the news before most people.

I just want a little dignity. But that's not going to happen.