Jump to content

Change
VISITORS: Your access to view photos and site information is limited as a guest.
Click here to join now


Toggle shoutbox Shoutbox Open the Shoutbox in a popup

WarrenG : (31 March 2015 - 05:18 AM) HAPPY TRANSGENDER VISABILITY DAY GUYS ^_^ and girls lol
EmmaSweet : (30 March 2015 - 08:41 PM) I think Veronica and Violet need to invite us all over for BBQ very soon. I'll bring a nice bottle or two of Petite Syrah!
MonicaPz : (30 March 2015 - 07:19 PM) When am I invited to that barbecue?
veronicabeta : (30 March 2015 - 05:37 PM) Hi sigurdoug ! :)
sigurdoug : (30 March 2015 - 04:44 PM) Hello to everyone :wub:
veronicabeta : (30 March 2015 - 04:16 PM) !;)
EmmaSweet : (30 March 2015 - 03:56 PM) You're making me hungry Veronica!
veronicabeta : (30 March 2015 - 03:50 PM) Making tea. Pork barbeque medallion sandwiches, Potato rolls. Fries. Slaw. KNOSH! :) It's the little things ! :)
veronicabeta : (30 March 2015 - 02:26 PM) About 5:10 AM.
veronicabeta : (30 March 2015 - 02:22 PM) So cool Saw the ISS This morning over Front Range Denver Colorado
middgirl : (30 March 2015 - 01:28 PM) who looking for support n help with this I wear womans clothes out in town
middgirl : (30 March 2015 - 01:26 PM) hello iam new here iam a 46 yearold maleto female crossdresser who strat to crossdress when I was about 11  did behind clos doors until a few ago I have one close felmale friend that support my crossdressing n givesme adivce
veronicabeta : (30 March 2015 - 01:30 AM) Off to the market and perhaps, see some old friends in the Southern Sky ! :)
veronicabeta : (29 March 2015 - 10:32 PM) http://archaeoastron...countdowns.html
veronicabeta : (29 March 2015 - 10:31 PM) Brothers & Sisters, Beltaine is just 36 hours, 13 hrs, 13 Mins away. We are Thrice Blessed
EmmaSweet : (29 March 2015 - 04:19 PM) TJ: I'm so sorry to hear about your episode with your father. Perhaps he thought bringing the ham was a peace offering of sorts but also an excuse to come see how you're doing. Easy for me to say but maybe it's time to set some boundaries with him. His feelings are okay but not his behavior.
ViBetaSCOT : (29 March 2015 - 11:08 AM) Hi Sara you are so sweet and kind!!!!!!!!!!!Lots of Bright Blessings to youand youre
TJDavies : (29 March 2015 - 10:28 AM) For the most part, my relationship is pretty terrible with him. Usually after 15 minutes I'm back inside crying my eyes out or having an anxiety attack. He just randomly brings me food.
TJDavies : (29 March 2015 - 10:27 AM) Ehhhhhh not as much of a peace offering because he still yelled at me for being a part of LGBT* organizations openly. It was probably because on Palm sunday our extended family goes to his house for dinner (as well as on easter) and he had some extra stuff.
veronicabeta : (29 March 2015 - 07:38 AM) Hello Charl, Hello Sweet, Hello Karen





Photo - - - - -

This Isn't a Phallacy

Posted by Anndy , 23 July 2012 · 446 views

{A Word to the Wise: the last time I wrote a blog was for a class about the Social Net in which we read Gregory Ulmer and were introduced to his "puncept;" therefore, I apologize in advance for my frequent use of puncepts in my writing. And while we're on that topic, I apologize for my terrible writing, period.}


I suppose this is my introduction, and despite my ability to write a mean essay (present thesis excluded), I'm really rather horrible at writing about myself. Anyway, I imagine that my story isn't unlike most of your stories... although I tend to imagine that most of you are much further along your trans* journey (my therapist calls this projection, I believe). The first time I remember thinking I was boy rather than a girl was in kindergarten when all the boys got to be loud and fun and the girls were expected to jumprope or whatever it was that girls were supposed to do. I never did it.


But this story really starts a number of years later, when I was 14 (15? the years are blurred thanks to PTSD, but that's another subject all together). I spent a lot of my younger years on dial-up AOL pretending to be a guy: first a straight guy, then a gay guy. For a while there I was extremely obsessed with gay guys, and my "bff" at the time, Ro, was a gay guy (unfortunately he was/is in deep denial about this). He was the first person I came out to. "I want to be a gay guy." (I probably confessed this to him during one of our makeout sessions on my grandfather's golf cart--I was a wild child *insert sarcasm here*.) Being the kind of friend he was (and the kind of mom I had, who thought all my friends were hers as well), he told her my secret. I grew up in an ultraconservative part of South Carolina and my mother, of course, was slightly disturbed at this new information. Give her some credit, it was 2001, and even though I have these fantasies about going back and coming out at a younger age, the truth is, it was a totally different time then. So, she swept me off to a therapist.


Depression.


Social Anxiety.


And the biggie...


Borderline Personality Disorder.


My life from then on was defined by this diagnosis. I got away with dressing like a guy for a long time because I was goth in high school, which, oddly enough, my mom loved. Things changed when she died in 2006. My mother never knew me as the daughter she always wanted (in fact, she lost 2 daughters: a miscarriage before I was born, and me... the odd, in-between daughter). To cope with her death, I became the person I thought she wanted me to be. Ultra girly. Happy to go shopping, polish my nails, play with babies, or whatever it was that I thought defined the feminine.


I still played boy online. It was my only escape.


It used to be that you only ever heard of MTF trans*people. In the months after my mother died (I remember this clearly because I was living with my dad) I ordered a copy of "The Big Gay Book of Erotica" or something. The last story was about a transman. What? (I'm imagining Jack Skellington singing "What is This?!") So there it was. I was a FTM. It took me 5 years to accept that. And here I am.


And I will leave you with some lyrics from Jack's Lament. Because I can.


Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones
An emptiness began to grow
There's something out there, far from my home
A longing that I've never known.


And finally... I'm Anndy.






March 2015

S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930 31     

Recent Entries

Categories