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UsernameOpti... : (02 September 2014 - 01:06 PM) Happy Birthday, MarinaV
daniaskew : (01 September 2014 - 08:24 PM) C?
Tommiebefree : (01 September 2014 - 02:53 PM) Becoming a trans  woman is the strangest and most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me
Tommiebefree : (31 August 2014 - 08:28 PM) dEAL
SwanBeing : (31 August 2014 - 07:49 PM) keep evolving, & I will too
Tommiebefree : (31 August 2014 - 04:31 AM) Thanks TJ
UsernameOpti... : (30 August 2014 - 06:39 PM) Thanks, C2P... same to you.
cross2play : (30 August 2014 - 06:34 AM) Good weekend :) Everyone!
TJDavies : (30 August 2014 - 05:26 AM) A URL is an address link.
Tommiebefree : (29 August 2014 - 11:58 PM) Hey had a session with my therapist and she felt I am much more grounded and confident and grounded in my transition
Tommiebefree : (28 August 2014 - 03:30 PM) Sorry I forgot what a URL is
TJDavies : (28 August 2014 - 02:59 AM) I love the summer :( fall is my least favorite season next to winter
BenFriday : (27 August 2014 - 09:54 PM) I just want my school to cool down so I can focus and not sleep.
Tommiebefree : (27 August 2014 - 01:19 PM) thank you
drewlee0 : (26 August 2014 - 06:55 PM) Glad! I'm not a fan of summer. I like Fall the best.
BenFriday : (26 August 2014 - 06:38 PM) FALL! I want apple cider!
Gennee : (26 August 2014 - 06:19 PM) Summer will soon be over.
Lori : (25 August 2014 - 09:25 PM) Click on Blogs in the navigation links above and you should be directed to create a blog. Alternately you can click by your name and personal avatar at the top of the page and a drop-down menu will direct you to the blogs. I already have a blog so I don't see the exact way to set it up but let me know if you have any problems and we can get you going. :)
drewlee0 : (25 August 2014 - 06:25 PM) ERM... is this how you blog?
TJDavies : (23 August 2014 - 03:39 AM) :)





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Always Changing My Mind

Posted by kate23 , 12 September 2010 · 108 views

Explain to me why i am always changing my mind. First of all let me start this by saying... hello :P i'm back. I've been away for quite some time, gathering thoughts and changing my future. Not towards my wanted goal tho. But of one that pleases everyone else. Including who i believe God to be. Most importantly, i just want to be able to become happy without the guilt and realization minus the fact that i'll be fooled into thinking what i WANT to do is the right direction for me...
Is there a reason why i am the way i am. I am going to just spill my guts for everyone that reads this. First of all, my stomach hurts cause i am hungry... i am living in a hotel cause i have not been able to find a stable place to live yet, and i just broke it off with a girl. The girl didnt like the fact that i wanted to become a girl, i might add. That sucked. For real, it did. The point of the whole thing about telling her was to find someone i once had to support me, as well, in my all too knowing to be, transition. She wasnt for it at all. She didnt see me as a freak, but as someone that could still "be friends" with her. Which was fine cause when i kissed her i didnt feel that firework feeling anymore like i used to when i kissed a girl...
So i think i may be gay... wait, bi. Yup, i think i am falling for a guy i have been hanging out with, but its too soon to tell if it will go anywhere. I dress up every now and again, but not much anymore. Its not the fact that i feel like a girl when i dress... but around the clock i just wish it had been different. I feel fake putting on a bra with no breasts to fill it in. I get irritated, being an understatement, when i wear panties and my crotch has to be taped in order to "look" female... Its irritating for me to be a man. I dont know why, but it seems as if transition is going to be the only way to get to where i want to be in life.
A girl with a guy. Isnt that the way its suppose to be? Well, i see myself as the girl, until i look at my now covered with hair face in the mirror... then its too clear. I wasnt born a girl, i was born a guy... and that straight up PISSES me off! I am slowly becoming angrier as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months have turned to be today, and all i can say is, "i am NOT who i want to BE!" I have more to give than this "male" body can express... and i just want to cry when i cant "be" myself, even when i am alone BY myself... :( If there was only an answer to my problem that i am willing to listen to...
My mom has been SO supportive over the whole "i think i'm trans" thing, and i can barely talk about it with her cause i feel like i talk about it WAY too much! With everyone i ask for signs if i am who i think i am... and the answer differs, lol. But anyways she said something to me. She said that if i liked men then i was a homosexual. I told her that i didnt want to BE a man WITH a man. I wanted to be a girl with a guy, like i was suppose to be. So she said that i was a crossdressing homosexual... Sigh... theres something wrong with that. I dont really LIKE to dress cause i feel like a guy dressing like a girl and it pisses me off... once again, because i am in an obviously male body. I am in a position of listening to what OTHER people say, which is the only way of life that i know. I am a follower and thats a feminine trait. Doesnt make me a female tho, so i am told. So what makes me feel like i am who i think i am?
I want to express something, or "confess", as my blog is called "Confessions via Laptop" for a reason, that i have some skeletons... I DO masterbate... BUT... i only masterbate when i am thinking of being with a man as a girl. Once i get done with it, i continue on my way living my life wanting to be a girl. So is my wanting to be a girl a "fetish"? I really dont know... maybe. maybe not... All i know is that the few minutes after, i am not horny anymore, so there is no "feeling" of feeling like a girl, OR a guy for that matter. But then later i want to be a girl again... even after a climax! So of course, i cant do my "deed" again, but i have this feeling of "Wow, life would be so much better if i werent a guy" So my mom thinks i'm gay... My male part thinks i have a fetish, and as Me, i just want to be a girl... period.




Welcome Back Kate,

I would just like to say that I have really missed you and am happy to hear from you again.  Your blog is certainly genuine, I identify so closely with what you are saying I feel like I could be your twin.  I have traditionally emerged as a leader in everything I have done in my life but I still ask a lot of questions and want people on my side. Lately I seem to have lost my ability to lead certain people because they have lost confidence in me because of my condition.

It always hurts me when people judge me incorrectly, make assumptions and throw their viewpoint with no desire to actually have a conversation.  My greatest challenge in life has been the relationship with my father.  My mom died 5 years ago and she knew all about me.  My dad is just learning about my condition and he is quite disappointed that I can't just think myself into being a man.  It also bothers me when so many people can't even begin to understand what it going on in myself when it makes total sense to me.  I am girl in a man's body it is as simple as that.  

I would like to encourage you Kate that since I have been on hormones, which is one month now, I really feel better all the way around.  My anxieties have decreased dramatically and I have been less concerned about sexual feeling or my orientation.  I am simply happy being myself and redifining my identity.  My ability to think creatively has improved and as a musician myself, I actually perform better than ever other than getting tired quicker.  Everything about my transition feels right on and my condition is improving under doctors care as a  MtF woman.  The doctor refered to me as a transwoman.  It was a good feeling inside to see that my primary medical doctor treats me with respect and is working so hard at giving that support.   I too, am concerned about my relationship with God but I believe that God has answered my recent prayer by helping me find the appropriate therapy to help me regain confidence in myself and inner healing.  I don't understand why my family and friends can't be happy for me but I am learning to pick and choose who I want to hang out with and who are my real friends.

Drop me a private message anytime!! :)

Your Friend, Amie
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