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Killing myself part 1

Posted by Aenon , 18 January 2011 · 42 views

Life, meh honestly  lately , ive lost a lot of respect for humanity,  here in the states i look  out side and instead of seeing the metro link i see the place i almost got beat last year for being different. I look  at  high school near by my home and instead see that place i was picked on for being different. I usually have the habit of crying easily or trying to commit suicide  when things like this happen. So its not real suprize when January began i freaked out like all those times repeating over and over again one more year  “of this another year of hell” an cried thinking maybe i should try to kill my just one more time.

But suddenly something hit me some thing hit me hard no seriously my keyboard fell on my foot that shit hurt. But yeah i kept crying repeating the  same word as before after the other while  hysterically  falling in to a panic attack some might  would consider a seizures . “Saying i hate myself and want to die..” But some thing in my head clicked “I WANT TO DIE” .Is there Really any thing  any one can do worse then making me realize what i did .So i  decided to kill myself. Not with knifes,bullets or blow torches. Socially I told my self. I'd use  this year to save up  enough money  that i could fly out  and get my surgery (me and doctors from  Bangkok  have been discussing for awhile). Then move it doesn't matter where  i go or how i do it its just i cant stay here. Its not even just my Male to Female transition its that i really hate this f-ING town. I hate the smell, i hate how it wants to be the city, i hate the culture, I hate its religious background i have to talk myself in and out hating my friends I hate every thing about it. I need to get out .






DixieShines
Jan 18 2011 11:14 PM
I think moving is a great idea. getting out of my hometown was the best thing i ever did. my heart broke reading this. ive hit many lows in my life but there is always the future to consider, life can always get better. big life changes are importent for us to evolve. so location changes, career changes, sex changes need be, just be safe and look for the happiness in life. dont cut short what butterfly may come from the kakoon. i dont know i may be a foolish optimist but life gets better. please message me if u ever need a vent. alrighty take care
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Honestly i think your way of viewing things  is probably the best way. You cant get pissed  and fall of the deep end fast . Instead i find it best to remain positive even in stressful situations even if not for yourself every one around you.I am scared about work,I do cry alot when im alone, have suicide attempts(none close to today) but recently i found myself  and became confident ill figure every thing out far before its to late. (Thanks for commenting and hopping to see you again soon Aenon)
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