Okay I know its been awhile since I posted here. Many as I have had many other tasks on hand and many more issues running my life in very downward ways. I now am writing this blog as maybe a last line of hope.
Things started going down hill when I lost my job this past August. As I noted before I had decided since I was already beyond a year in HRT to just go ahead and start applying for work as the new me and no longer the past me. But my Unemployment made things quite tight, my HRT had to be cut in half to last longer yet keep the effects I had gained, My diet has been the worse since any point of my life. focused mainly on what I can get that will give me energy to keep searching for work. And all this seemed to be doable till Feb. came around.
That's when my luck turned from, bad to worse. While I could almost weekly get a interview, far too often I found myself being turned down. Asking if my transitioning had anything to do about it. I have been assured that it isn't the case. But having one too many doors of opportunity closed on my face is bringing the dark hopelessness I use to have in my life come flowing back. My unemployment is now gone and my loving roommate has been far more then considerate letting me stay without paying rent for now. But my meds are running low and soon will be gone, my depression is getting stronger each day, I barely can scrap out enough cash to feed myself two meals a day and I have made a tough but fair agreement to ether have some rent by the end of May or I move out. To where I don't know, cause its not where that worries me its who will be there more. I can't stand the feeling that my only true happiness of being me is denying me any kind of work. And worse I find it really hard to explain how its not something I can just turn on and off to my family that claims my being myself is what is harming my chances at getting jobs.
When I stood at the darkest point in my life almost 5 years ago I was a person who never take chances. I would spend my days locked in a apartment for days shut from the world, I would not search for a better life cause I never thought I would have one. It wasn't till I came out about the real me and felt the acceptance that I found the courage and drive to work hard on my work life, Family life, my personal skills, personal health and finally myself in general. That all came at the point of turning away from a suicide attempt I made, when I finally decided to listen to myself. But now I fear just as I found myself and really started to become myself I am having my life ripped from me and being forced into a prison of denial far darker then the one I escaped years ago. I'm losing hope for any future, not just the one I have for so long dreamed.
Right now, I spend my long days, job hunting and trying to occupy my mind and time with tasks for my website. I spend my nights dreaming of a life of just normality where I am treated as a equal among others. But each day I wake from that dream, I look in the mirror and I see all that I hated returning, with the aid of self doubt and judgement of others weighing me down. As I write this I am starting my final plans of the last few weeks I have with a roof over my head. With the coming of Summer I will soon find my life to be one of living on the streets and seeking what food I can. While I will go on living I question who is it I will be living as. Will I be the ray of happiness and peace in my life that I have been in the past few years as, that I so want to be, Brittany. Or will I be domed to return to the depressive suicidal, self hating Brian, the one many keep telling I should be. Time is my enemy in too many ways, I have too little time it seems to change my life for the better, but too much time to bring my self have time to just process this all in my head and see the dark return to my old self washing over me.
I feel lost.
I know who I am.
I know how I feel.
I know what I want.
I am willing to fight for it.
But still I am denied it all.
As I said I'm losing hope, and it scares me to think where I will be without it soon.
For now and Hopefully always
~ Brittany Dodson