Long time no chat. Yeah I been up to a few things in my year absence from the site. Just a little busy. But I wanted to drop in see how things are going do a quick shout out and in the next few weeks (when I find the time I will do a more filling fill in on what has been going on in my life. Much good and some bad. So here is what my last year has had me up to.
A new comic series
A new novel
A new Novelette series
and returning yet altering Path of the Butterflies from just a pdf guide to a intended monthly topic discussion blog.
Path of the Butterflies: A guide for Transgender individuals, friends and family
Please drop on by the blog share ether publicly or if you want to share your opinions privately or just chew me out you can email me from the blog.
I promise next post will be sooner and less self promotional based.
I wanted to let people know things are going a bit better. I was informed about a job that has been in the wings last Thursday that things are in motion for me to start work to make money. That being said I was also helped by my father in current money issues and was able to regain use of HRT meds. I am however now stuck in a awkward place as my new job will be a trendy retail store, and this will be my first job as Brittany (all be it in name only as I have yet to legally change it yet) while I look passable for the most part these days I will always carry doubts but with my agreement to my father I have to take greater work on behaving as a female, with even the little motions of what and how I eat, getting my hair done professionally (something I have avoided since a bad experience when I came out resulting in losing a years worth of hair growth) and the suttle actions of language and exercise. I will report more as things develop but for now things look to be headed towards an upward swing, I just need to find a new skilled Therapist in my area to help out.
Okay I know its been awhile since I posted here. Many as I have had many other tasks on hand and many more issues running my life in very downward ways. I now am writing this blog as maybe a last line of hope.
Things started going down hill when I lost my job this past August. As I noted before I had decided since I was already beyond a year in HRT to just go ahead and start applying for work as the new me and no longer the past me. But my Unemployment made things quite tight, my HRT had to be cut in half to last longer yet keep the effects I had gained, My diet has been the worse since any point of my life. focused mainly on what I can get that will give me energy to keep searching for work. And all this seemed to be doable till Feb. came around.
That's when my luck turned from, bad to worse. While I could almost weekly get a interview, far too often I found myself being turned down. Asking if my transitioning had anything to do about it. I have been assured that it isn't the case. But having one too many doors of opportunity closed on my face is bringing the dark hopelessness I use to have in my life come flowing back. My unemployment is now gone and my loving roommate has been far more then considerate letting me stay without paying rent for now. But my meds are running low and soon will be gone, my depression is getting stronger each day, I barely can scrap out enough cash to feed myself two meals a day and I have made a tough but fair agreement to ether have some rent by the end of May or I move out. To where I don't know, cause its not where that worries me its who will be there more. I can't stand the feeling that my only true happiness of being me is denying me any kind of work. And worse I find it really hard to explain how its not something I can just turn on and off to my family that claims my being myself is what is harming my chances at getting jobs.
When I stood at the darkest point in my life almost 5 years ago I was a person who never take chances. I would spend my days locked in a apartment for days shut from the world, I would not search for a better life cause I never thought I would have one. It wasn't till I came out about the real me and felt the acceptance that I found the courage and drive to work hard on my work life, Family life, my personal skills, personal health and finally myself in general. That all came at the point of turning away from a suicide attempt I made, when I finally decided to listen to myself. But now I fear just as I found myself and really started to become myself I am having my life ripped from me and being forced into a prison of denial far darker then the one I escaped years ago. I'm losing hope for any future, not just the one I have for so long dreamed.
Right now, I spend my long days, job hunting and trying to occupy my mind and time with tasks for my website. I spend my nights dreaming of a life of just normality where I am treated as a equal among others. But each day I wake from that dream, I look in the mirror and I see all that I hated returning, with the aid of self doubt and judgement of others weighing me down. As I write this I am starting my final plans of the last few weeks I have with a roof over my head. With the coming of Summer I will soon find my life to be one of living on the streets and seeking what food I can. While I will go on living I question who is it I will be living as. Will I be the ray of happiness and peace in my life that I have been in the past few years as, that I so want to be, Brittany. Or will I be domed to return to the depressive suicidal, self hating Brian, the one many keep telling I should be. Time is my enemy in too many ways, I have too little time it seems to change my life for the better, but too much time to bring my self have time to just process this all in my head and see the dark return to my old self washing over me.
I feel lost.
I know who I am.
I know how I feel.
I know what I want.
I am willing to fight for it.
But still I am denied it all.
As I said I'm losing hope, and it scares me to think where I will be without it soon.
For now and Hopefully always
~ Brittany Dodson
Quick check in after being gone so long from the site, due to job issues I have been both seeking employment to pay my bills and working harder on things for my site including "Path". Since my last post 2 chapters where added and research on others is well under way. While I currently don't have a job thus don't have a income outside of Unemployment, I am tackling this period in my life with new vigor. It is the first time in my life that I am applying for work professionally as Brittany and while I have yet to land a job I gain many interviews and even gained a few Freelance contracts on the way to do art work for many companies. Life is hard but if you give in and don't accept it will only seek to further destroy you. Thus I keep on improving and seeking waiting for the day when I will be back on my feet. Now to answer a question some have asked of me.
Okay Ive been asked why call a guide for Transgender people, Path of the Butterflies. To Answer this I am posting a little poem
A beetle fell in love with a caterpillar and she returned his love, but she died and lay still, wrapped in a cocoon. The beetle grieved over his beloved's body. Suddenly the cocoon opened and a butterfly appeared. The beetle decided to kill the butterfly because it disturbed his meditations over the body. He rushed over to her and saw that the butterfly's eyes were familiar--they were the caterpillar's eyes. He had almost killed her, for after all, everything was new except the eyes. And the butterfly and beetle lived happily ever after.
But you need to look things in the eye for that, and not everyone can do it, and sometimes a lifetime isn't long enough.
Dmitri explains well how hate is brought out with the coming change in his poem and it is that hate I wish to try and stop with my work. The poem also reveals that in truely looking at the one who has changed they stand no different then they where before. And while it may be a futal effort on my part to hope my words will change the world, they can at least change and open a few minds which in turn can do the same in thier time.
Even if I dont ever see the day I hope to bring I will go on walking this path for a better day.
Check it out at http://www.imbriaarts.com/path/
Okay so about 2 months ago I won a radio contest to get a free month of Medifast Diet Plan I was hoping to drop some of my beer belly that when I got dressed up made me look Pregnant. In the month I drop about 20 lbs and began to note that my girlish figure was coming more into view. My only issue was the plan really added to my dizziness I naturally get from a iron deficiency. I Almost collapsed several times due to the low iron. I made it through and now as the summer heat really starts to beat down I continue my goal to drop another 40 lbs. But the heat is preventing my work out routine. So I started up again with yoga and now try to do this about 3-4 times a week for a hour. So now I'm off the diet meal (but progressing through a metabolism diet of my own design)Working out and hoping for a great loss. Things are looking up though as one of my coworkers took this picture of me Saturday.
Okay after 1 year of Hormones. I'm starting to notice new changes in my life. As its now starting to become the summer months I Begin to dawn new summer attire and look towards swimming in pools and at the beach. In the past year my body has gone through much of the changes and after having trouble with a T-shirt last year irritating my chest I went out this spring and bought my first swimsuit as a woman. Choosing something that would make my good areas shine and hide other areas.
In the past month I not only have been working on trying to lose more weight (When I came out I was vastly overweight) I work out almost daily now and while I always was blessed with a bit of a hourglass figure its becoming more prominent now as I get into shape and continue to develop.
Where only a few months ago I was constantly being called sir these days I get more Mame or miss along with guys checking me out more. Its strange to feel and sometimes catch people regularly be checking out your own body. More so when just a few years ago I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin.
Its good to see the body work with me and I have to credit it to hard work, learning the ways to dress to success, and making sure I work towards the body I want, Mentally, spiritually and Physically. While I have yet to achieve my goal body its getting closer to it and it shows with my and others reactions to it.
Okay its been a hot topic as of late in debates and news stories and I think its time a truth came out. Trans people do not use bathrooms to rape women or children. While there may have been 1 or 2 cases of such (more like a guy in drag doing this to get closer) Out of the mass population of trans individuals we go to the bathroom to use it like any one else. The fact of the matter is its been more often discovered that M2F trans people like myself who use a men’s room are more at risk of being attacked or raped then if we use a women’s bathroom. Do Women feel threaten when one woman brings in a small boy to the bathroom. Hell I’ve seen this in both Moms bringing in 5-7 year old boys, and dads bringing in the same with girls to a bathroom. I’m sorry but at 7 they damn well should know how to go potty by themselves. I’m personally getting sick of seeing people accuse Trans individuals of crimes not committed by them and yet ignore crime committed to them. My personal suggestion is for Unisex single bathrooms at locations, they take up less space each would be private so no threats form any person to the next and place can put in several of these in place of single sex bathrooms and face issues with people in them. It works on Planes, trains and travel buses as well at homes all across the world. Now lay off I gotta use the damn toilet.
Okay this week has been one of the mentally most stressful in my transition in the last 4 years since I came out about being Trans. It started with going through boxes of my past that I stored at my fathers. Finding allot of both junk and even some of my early discovers into the TG world. I believe in going through this and other parts of my past I have been building up my being haunted by nightmares. Add to this week a guy at work acting up and using me to blame. Getting discriminated as I shop for a new skirt by a store employee. Continuing a break-threw in Therapy on how my relationship between myself and my mother has not progressed in a way she claims it has brought us closer after the last year of family therapy. Knowing that a new rift is possibly on the way I need to find a way to calm it by our next session. And my whole issue concluded with me getting a ticket at 2 am for not stopping long enough at a deserted 4 way stop. While getting the ticket my companions in the car and myself could hear the cops snickering at me sitting in my car in full dress and having to turn in my Drivers Licence with the old me. The week sucked but it could have gotten worse and I will push through with as much dignity and pride I came into it with.
So this year in my overall personal plan. I have stated I will get the Legal work of my name change going around my birthday in July. But one month in and I'm already changing my name where I can "without malice" do so. At work they have begun calling me Brittany around the end of last year and its really starting to stick. And while I enjoy the fact I am fully accepted by the staff there I still need to seek further employment for funding reasons. Thus I began to seek new employment. For about three weeks I went about my old routine. This week however it started to bother me that I felt I was presenting a lie when I sent in a application or resume with my old name. I look very androgynous and even more female in how I act these days add to that I no longer feel comfortable in any mens clothing. Thus I decided to start putting myself out there as Brittany for any job prospect I can find. I am fully prepared if this hurts my chances getting the job. But I feel being upfront and open has done me well in my prospects so far and presenting myself as who I am and in a way I am comfortable I feel will help me in the overall long run.
Other Things on my New Year. Get a date (haven't had one in over a decade) and I'm starting to feel lonely.
Be more active. I need to find and try new things.
And of course the common lose weight. (I made my goal last year just need to keep it down and lose about 20-30 more lbs)