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About this blog

Musing of a girl who tries to understand her world. I'll talk anything from my transition to music :)

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I couldn't sleep last night, so I wrote a song, I'm going to post the lyrics, hope you like it :) I would love feedback, positive or negative :)

Quasimodo

Verse 1:

Hide behind

such a faux façade

Do you know who you are?

Have we pretend too long?

Should I hide my face?

Am I a big disgrace?

Why should I conform

to just fit in?

I hurt no one

I cause no harm

I’m just trying to be

who I know I am

You’re so lucky

that you get to be

the person that you see

in your reflection

Pre-chorus:

but I must wait

to set myself free

Chorus 1:

Why do I have to prove

who I am inside?

Is it my destiny

to hurt eternally?

Do you know what I go through

just to live my life?

To feel the emptiness

of a thousand lies

I hate this

Living like a misfit

Verse 2:

I’m here to stay

I won’t go away

I’m not going to change

I’m not going to hate

Myself anymore

I’m tired of the pain

If you can’t handle this

just walk away

Pre-chorus

Chorus 1

Verse 3:

Such a heavy hand

I must detach it

and relinquish

all the hate for myself

Chorus 1 (sans 3rd stanza)

Chorus 2:

What’s it worth to you

to make me feel ashamed?

Do you sleep well at night

knowing you cause pain?

Using hollow words

and spiteful lies

that we’re not beautiful

in God’s eye

and I love this

proud to be a misfit

Hello there, everyone. My name is Margot Kisiel. I'm going to just take the time here to introduce myself here before I take this blog in whatever direction it goes in. Hmmmmm,,,, where to start....? I think I'll start by identifying myself as pansexual and transgendered. I've known I was female from a really early age, I never felt male the least bit. When I would play video games with my little brother, I always gravitated towards female characters. Essentially, I found this to be an escape of sorts.

Since playing was so appealing because I could lose myself in it, I played a lot and this resulted in me gaining serious weight issues and I quickly became quite overweight. When I turned 12 I first found out what a transsexual was after browsing online and it utterly fascinated me. From then on I did massive searching on the topic; what it meant, who they were, who was one, how to become one, etc. When I was about 14 I finally admitted to myself that this is how I felt about myself.

Then came the body dysphoria, my little gaming world collapse and I started to hate my body. My weight made me feel worse. I felt so deeply ashamed for letting myself go and I was over 290 lbs finishing my freshman year in high school. My depression and hate of myself caused me much turmoil for a few months and I knew I had to do something or I wasn't going to be able to handle it. That summer I joined my high school football team. It wasn't even any attempt to be manly, I just knew it was a lot of work and good exercise... I was right.

Things started to look up, I did end up playing every year, 2 years varsity, 1 year jv. I ended up slimming down to 205, by the end I joined the high school jazz band. Through that I got into a couple metal/punk bands and became semi-prominent in the Buffalo local music scene. I had a great time. I started to get more involved with school clubs. Even though I was more happy at school, I still felt really depressed when I was home, especially when I was alone.

Then my dad passed away before my junior year. My depression got much worse, I started to harm myself in private, no cutting, but hitting myself repeatedly. I couldn't sleep, I developed terrible insomnia. Then after a few nights of seriously contemplating suicide, a couple times I almost followed through, i realized that I would either have to come out and become the woman I felt I was or I was going to be dead soon. I knew I needed to do something.

I started to come out to my closest friends. They were very accepting an one of them became my girlfriend. She made me kind of step back and question my decision to switch genders and I did. Over the next 4 years we had a storybook relationship, it seemed like we were perfect together. She accepted who I was and helped me explore myself. My depression subsided and i started to feel happy for the first time in years. She made me so happy. She helped me through small parts of transitioning such as slowly feminizing my clothes, painting my nails, and wearing makeup. I was still a man but I was more confident in partaking in feminine activities.I started to also be more open about being transgender.

Then at the beginning of this year I went out as a woman for the first time. It was exhilarating and liberating, I finally felt right, I also donned my name Margot for the first time that night. The next months that followed was spent with me and her going out occasionally as women and it got more frequent as time went on. But unfortunately she dumped me in October and I had a hard time with that. But now I'm full time and working to get hormones to help feminize my appearance. There's still a hole in my heart that will never be quite filled, but I'm thankful for the memories I had from her, her help in my transition, and the way she has made me feel. Now I'm out to everyone and I feel great love for myself.

Sorry for the long rant, but that's pretty much my life story. I'm just trying to get by, power through all the hate and ignorance I'm face, and do things that i enjoy. I do love music with a passion and I hope to discuss that further at some point. I also play piano, guitar, and sing. I love writing music and hope to do that for a living someday. Thank you if you took the time to read this, I really appreciate it. Bye until next time! :) We're all beautiful :)

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