Thought I share a shot of some of the cars I drive with every Saturday morning. Mine is second from the right.
This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned.
Thought I share a shot of some of the cars I drive with every Saturday morning. Mine is second from the right.
In my elementary school days there was a bully who would tease me, "hey sissy" or "hey little girl" to no end. When one day a new boy came to class and while walking home the bully started on me and the new boy intervened by knocking the bully on his butt. I remained really good friends with the new kid until several years after high school then reconnected with him on Facebook several years ago.
I started counting down the days to GRS but would only post on Facebook that I was heading to California for surgery. He asked (on Facebook) what I was going in for? I said (get this) nothing major and left it at that.
I forget when but I changed my name and gender on Facebook say in February. Did not hear a peep from him in regards to direct communications. Yesterday he posted a video about a senior citizen shooting at a criminal and I responded.
He then said, "How is Kevin doing?" I said he is decease then he asked when. So I told him Kevin died and Karen was born. He could not believe it and thought I may have hijacked Kevin's account so he asked me three questions that I should know from 40 years ago, answered them and he was then convinced.
He said I should call sometime to caught up on things and I told him I will be there in the Spring.
So while this is going on another friend of mine (and his) must had missed out on my transition because he went through my photos and "liked" one of them.
Any ways I find it interesting that these two friends did not caught on and I even wrote a post on my gender change,
In regards to the picture, this is how he sees me and is me at a local shooting range I believe back in 2007 doing my Clint type of look, bad ass. For the record there is a full size 1911 pistol on my hip and a revolver in my left front pocket in a pocket holster and a pistol on my right ankle. Okay, I hear your wheels churning in your heads so a little explanation is in order for newcomers. I did executive protection for 10 years, was on call for this, worked with local PD and taught self-defense for 13 years. Have been at both ends of the muzzle of a firearm and survived but can not say that for the bad guys. I tend not to discuss this too much as this is one thing I lost when I transitioned and hope someday to regain at least the teaching part.
This was a hot day, had body armour under my shirt.
Yesterday started out good but ended up as a very frustrating day overall. Got up, took a shower then ate breakfast followed by checking email. One of the messages was from Alaska airlines indicating there were congestion issues forecasted at the San Francisco airport (which is ten minutes from my hotel) and that my flight was moved to San Jose which is just over one hour away. Called the limo service right away and said no problem. Wait for two hours, limo driver comes to pick me up and advised me to call Alaska to make sure of the change. Well the automated help for Alaska was no help at all and got a live person who verified the change so off we went. Got there about 1.5 hours early, checked in and had some difficulties going through TSA and almost left without my wallet.
Waited around, 15 minutes before boarding they changed the flight time two times then announced they had a lot of people at San Francisco airport being shuttled over. That took sometime and finally boarded 45 minutes late.
When doing the pre-flight thing on the plane prior to taking off the pilot indicated he was doing a special take off called a slingshot which gets the plane in the air really fast and let me tell you it was very cool. I've never timed how long it took to get to the final height but this time was much much faster.
At one point he said we were ahead of schedule and got there and out of the plane fast.
Now I don't know when my shuttle leaves but do know it is 24-7 service. Wait at the place designated for a while and then call the service asking were the shuttle was and that I was late. They said about 10 minutes ago and the next one would be in about two hours (eeks). So I needed to wait there with nothing to do.
When the shuttle arrives it takes time to get people aboard. One thing nice is if you have a reservation you get boarded first. Did not time this either but there were several that had to pay and believe me that it takes time for that.
Get on the road and of course it is rush hour, more time sitting down which after GRS surgery really is not great.
Was supposed to be home by 4PM but did not get home until 7:30PM.
At this point I needed to unpack, get something to eat and dilate. The important thing is I must dilate especially since I had only dilated first thing in the morning and it really has not been that long since surgery so I see it as do not mess dilation unless unavoidable.
Screw cooking so off to McDonalds and they get my order wrong, back home, eat, setup for dilation and then do it. Starting the process was painful and have to wonder if it was stress or from missing the second dilation session. Oh, neighbor came over at one point and chatted with me.
When all was done it's about 10PM and have been up for a very long time and had zero issues falling asleep.
Hoping to get some rest this morning as friends are stopping by this afternoon and tomorrow I am driving from Salem Oregon to Portland Oregon for a visit with relatives.
Oh, I wake up this morning and my best female friend says her son is travelling past my town and wants to take me out to lunch. Her children all call me Anty LOL and are great kids ranging in age from 16 to 22.
I can not even imagine today being anything be great other than the fact my bottom is a tad sore.
I am still on sick leave but went into work yesterday to try out my new username for signing into the local network. Talked to my boss, told him that I most likely would not be back next week as Marci's office has not given me a letter to return to work yet. He was fine with that.
He then said, could you please write something up for your business partners whom do not know about your transition. I told him that I already did this. He then asked if I would write something up for our IT division, I replied, no problem if you would send the message out which he agreed too and did before leaving, asked him to review it, he said it would work. I did include a paragraph on the topic of me using the female restrooms in that I symphonize with those who might have issues or concerns and that I did get approval from human resources to use any restroom I felt comfortable with. I could actually still use the male restrooms but not going there and sticking to female restrooms only
While there I talked to a few people that knew of my transition but had not talked with them yet and they treated me no different than before transitioning.
One thing I am having troubles with is that some call me ma'am which to me feels old so my thing will be to ask them to simply call me Karen.
There is one employee whom I have been working with for 20 years and saw him yesterday talking to other people, waved at him but he did not wave back and I thought he was not okay with my transition but about ten minutes later he came over, shook my hand and said "Hi Karen", when you have time I want to talk to you about a guitar I am buying and said yes.
I spent about one hour talking with my team members (three of them) about things being worked on and that they ran into an interesting problem that they could not find a solution for then remembered I gave a code sample two months ago, from the code example they easily figured out how to remedy the issue at hand which made me feel good.
Joked around a bit also which showed me they really have no problems with my transition.
Looking forward to when I can get back to work.
If so desire, check out my entry at http://www.karenpayneblog.com where the first part is at work (which is duplicated from my prior blog here) and then about current dilation.
I truly despise dilation but will never give up :)
My best female friend whom we both see each other as sisters expressed to me that I should write my life story down that encompasses everything (well except for things I have non-disclosure agreements for e.g. work done for the military as a contracter).
My first thought was there are many others like me, what makes my story different. She said that 1. did it at the right time 2. did not let anything stop me 3. had a positive attitude. Event with that there are still many like me so I am asking what others think.
Facebook did it's thing and did a life event for my ex-wife as seen in the snapshot below. The first reply is her sister (whom I am actually friends with on Facebook) and the second her. Of course she married me but not as Karen lol.
Went to my best female friends family reunion and was a blast. Although I have known her for close to nine years have never met all the people who were there today, a rough guess of 30 family members and I left early, more were coming. I was seen (note I did not say treated) no different than any other cisgender female at the gathering. During the four hours I was there joined in to several conversations which was great as I much rather chit chat then simply sitting there only knowing her immediate family.
In my last entry I touched on having a good support system. This woman has been there for me through both surgeries. Her three children treat me like family and her husband although had issues with me in the beginning has come around to accepting me. I have to say this family truly helped me leap a few hurdles during my journey.
Hopefully I can keep it clean.
Been thinking about what is it going to be like pleasure-wise for my new parts so on the way to the grocery store I stopped off at a adult shop, ask for female lube and took the sales lady's suggestion. Went home and searched the web for something that might arouse me, found one. I know it was good because feelings radiated out from that area. Used the lube and a play toy to enhance things.
Bottom line, it's been five minutes after the fact and I can still feel that feeling radiating outwards and I like it a lot.
Inspection/test run gets an A+
Okay, closer to ten minutes and still got it :rolleyes:
I texted her last week and said how about we get together? She said, next Sunday and why not come for dinner.
When I arrived there was no mistaking that I had transitioned and this was the first they heard of it but she had figured it out from cryptic post I made on Facebook over the past six months. Her husband took it in stride but later confided in my he was very surprised. Her daughter and grand-son were there too who just heard from my daughter.
We spent abound two hours chatting in their living room where the topics ranged from my transition to me teaching self-defense to politics.
Then we went out to a nice Mexican restaurant, took our time and had a good time then back to their place for tea, chatted another hour or so then I said I needed to leave (needed time for dilating and they are one hour away from my place).
Her daughter texted me this morning and said her son who had only met me many years ago told his mom that he was interested in learning self-defense from me and also not once referred to me other than female but did say he could not see anything else.
So next Sunday I am heading back up in the afternoon to do some teaching and glad these people are still in my life.
PS I actually have more contact with them then my ex-wife does LOL which must say something about me.
You hear about men and woman as they grow old have less desire for making love or masterbastion, one day it's all we can think about then it's gone for the most part. Then there are others who never go down this path. Nothing wrong to be in either camp.
When still a male I was pretty much a sexual creature until around 2007 where I was repulsed using my penis. I became asexual, would masterbate while tucked, never looking down. It was not easy to come to orgasm with everything tucked away but after ten to twenty minutes was done and very satisfied. I did this once a week where before 2007 I was having sex several times a week, I think more than anything else was more interested in how hormones were affecting me as I heard that in some cases the sex drive goes away or is less than prior to hormones.
After GRS I have been with several partners but other than one man and two woman not much there is regards to orgasm. I heard that it takes six to eight months to be able to obtain orgasm which is my current time frame.
Last night I got simulating thoughts going through my brain, ended up very excited for roughly an hour until it was to the point I felt like I need a partner which I called on one and was great. This morning I was thinking about last night and ended up pleasuring myself and before I knew it two hours had passed and had to forcefully stop myself. Took a shower and got onto the computer. As I am writing this paragraph the tingling is there again but must refrain because I have an appointment for hair coloring in another hour.
Okay, with all the above out, there have been times between January and now that I could not get aroused and thought I was getting to be one of those who lost it from not using it enough, using it, by that I mean the brain not what is below the belt. I get so busy sometimes that I ignore my sexual desires and that is not wise so now I am not going to let this happen anymore.
Hopefully for those who will be transitioning via surgery both before and after surgery will not let your sex appetite be lost.
Just took a survey at www.ustranssurvey.org which I think everyone here should consider. Many of the questions ask about bad things that have happened to you now and in the past. The survey takes about 15-20 minutes of your time and believe it's well worth the effort. I am sure this will help others.
I have been working on a good method to work on dilation with the largest dilator which I was having not so great luck with. As mention before I need to dilate three times a day for 15 minutes. Small and medium dilator were fine but the larger one I only could manage a few times with then tried 15 minutes with the medium then gave up after five minutes with the larger size dilator.
Last night I believe I have found a simple method to start with five minutes with the medium dilator then 15 minutes with the larger dilator. So I am going to work on this for today and tomorrow, if nothing changes I will post what I found to work.
Also, I purchased a dildo that I could fit the entire six inches in where the width is about the normal width of an average penis. My conclusion is that to have penetration with a somewhat wider width penis it is indeed best to use the larger dilator so that entry is not painful. At this point in time I am confident to be penetrated by an average size penis but as we all know fate will be when I do try this I will end up with a larger size penis and will not be pleasant so persistence is needed to keep going with the larger dilator. I surely hope by next Saturday I am hope to use the larger dilator w/o first using the medium size one. Crossing my fingers.
I am sure now that by placing the largest size dilator inside my vagina very slowly then for the first three to five minutes rotate the dilator side to side that the pain is reduced by 90 percent. If I do not rotate the pain is unbearable after five minutes. Without rotating I can force myself to go 15 minutes but that is really pushing it. Marci said I may have started the larger one prematurely but it's now under control. I did tell Marci what I did and she was fine with it.
Last week I came home, get out of my car and my neighbor is with her sister. The sister lived here about five years ago and lived right next door to me while i prior to my transformation.
So I chat with my neighbor and her sister doesn't say anything to me so I believe she does not approve of my transformation.
Today my neighbor informs me that her sister had no clue who I was and had asked her "what happen to Kevin", she replied "Karen was Kevin", her jaw dropped and responded with "I would had never guessed they were the same person". Then my neighbor told me about a year ago her husband and her were coming home, he says (pointing to me walking down the street) she is hot, she slaps him and says "do you know who that is?" before he could reply she explained things. She said that is why he had stopped saying good morning to me, he was embarrassed that he thought I was someone else. I told her he should not feel that way and next thing you know he started to say good morning again.
I find this all interesting that these things happen until I look at my old pictures from two years ago and my present appearance.
One thing I always keep in mind is that one must first have some foundation in body and face for this to happen else facial surgery is required. I always can nit-pick myself thinking if I had this or that surgery I would look better but that time has gone, thirty years ago yes I would had some some of these surgeries but at just under 60 years old heck no.
Nail Salon today
So I went to get my nails filled, I got there 15 minutes early, said to one of the ladies, I need to use the restroom first. When I come out another worker said, "Karen, thought you were going in the back to get waxed" I said, the hairs on my leg don't grow anymore.
A customer, guessing well over sixty say "same here", another lady asked if I had been through menopause, you don't look that old.
Okay, quick thinking here, do I tell her about my past? Nope but when I blurt out my age out comes 50 then I stuttered...59. I am so use to telling new people I meet that I am 50 as when I tell them almost 60 we get into a conversation that I don't care to be in, Anyways what woman in her right mind tells her real age at my age?
So I use to get shellac which was $30, went to acrylic where the first time was $65 then $30. Today I was kind of shocked when the worker said twenty dollars for today, nice way to end the day Acrylic is a great way to have french nails done and they are so much stronger then shellac. In the past two months I have not had any issues with acrylic while I did break a few nails with shellac.
I had nothing on my agenda today so off to the mall to browse around. After entering the mall through Macy's my phone rings, look down and it's my son. So I answer the phone and he says "happy father's day". We chat, here ask how things are going in Oregon (he is in California). I did the usual, everything is fine then tell him about my transition.
My expected response did not come which would be something like "why" but instead he asked questions which I answered and he seems fine with what I am doing. I told him that everyone knew except for him as I was not sure how it would be taken. At one point in the conversation I ask if it would be alright if I could come down and visit and he is fine with me coming down.
Usually are chats are about ten minutes but after getting off the phone this call was almost an hour and only part of the discussion was about me while the remainder was about what he was up to and other family members. In regards to other family members, both him and he's sister chat on average once a month and she went and visited him last summer for a week.
So I am very optimistic that I have a strong connection to both of my children now which is fantastic.
In retrospect I was not looking forward to "the" talk about me transitioning and happy it was done now this way.
UPDATE After the phone call I sent him a picture of me but did not hear back then remember him saying he was off to work after done talking. So two hours later I get a text message back in response to the picture that was all positive.
With my two year anniversary in regards to physical surgeries coming up I have been reflecting on recent changes along with my comfort level has changed in the past few months.
Although I've been very comfortable since surgery over time there are things that change which are not always easy to describe, for instance, how I view the world as a whole then how I view my part as a female in every aspect of my life. I know not everyone has positive outlooks, some have constraints of various kinds that have no control over them while others have the capabilities to overcome them where decisions are made to break them or move past them. Me, for the majority of them I have broken past them and part of this comes from self confidence.
A good example (as per the image below) is me wearing a red dress out with several friends whom I made over the past two years, none of them know of my former life.
Next up, I believe part of my mother is surfacing in me. She always dressed smartly during the day as a bank manager, when out for the evening with my father always turned heads (as my father would say) first from her beauty and also from how she dressed. With that, recently I wrote about my clothing style and I have continued by purchasing more dressed and shoes to go along with them. Yesterday I decided that the next element that needed to change was outerwear. So off to Macy's to look at winter coats where my goal was to find one something classy along with keeping me warm when it gets cold out. Never would I have guessed that the color shown below would be my final selection as in the past I've always gone with black but I think that all goes back to how one changes over time from the effects of hormones, physical surgeries and confidence. Back to the coat, the price tag said 275 USD with a 25 percent discount which should have brought it down to 207 but not sure how but it rang up as 154 (sweet), no complaints from me and decided not to ask how it got that low.
Things that come to mind without blinking an eye, yes, surgery is a big deal but pales (at least for me pain-wise) in comparison to dilation. No sugar coating it, it really hurts. On the bright side it gets better but not before you have done this about 300 times. For me the next thing is cisgender females will talk to you about things you would never even guess, it’s a totally different world. Even cisgender females that you don’t talk to but notice in a glance or passing by on the street, for me (and I know it’s not my imagination) there is an unspoken thing, it might be a smile or a slight nod of the head. By no means do all females do this but just this week I had a handful of nods and smiles and right back at them.
Next up is my mindset has changed, I am now very picky about how I present myself clothing wise. Just this morning I tried something like five outfits on, left the house and then two blocks down was still questioning my current attire. Another thing on mindset, sometimes I feel like a teenager, learning about my new body. It’s the little things, the care is different than before. Then there is hooray, no more tucking with tight underwear. There is nothing like getting dressed or pulling up my underwear after using the toilet and that’s it, no tucking. Of course tucking is small in comparison to having a vagina, it makes all the difference in my identity. And Marci was not lying, it’s sensitive down there. When my mind goes to that special place I get excited and sensations radiate from down there, so much different than the male counterpart.
My hope is at three months out I will not even think about mentioning dilation which I am off to do now followed by relaxing after a long but good day at work.
Moment 1 Just went to an appointment for some skin care treatment at a spa. As they are going through my medical history they ask, are you on birth control (I give a ever so slight smile), I said no, then ask (and I would thought this question would be first) have you been through menopause? I said no (big smile inside). At the end of the consultation we shared war stories of breast augmentation, she with breast reduction, me, well yeah no it was the opposite. During the consultation she asked what are you doing this weekend? Well of course my sports car driving came up and afterwards she said, such a bad girl and we went out to see my car.
Moment 2 I'm at a club with a group of cross-dressers, most are long timers with no intent for the majority to transition. I'm sitting at a table watching two of them play billiards when one of the newer members comes to sit with me from across the room. She says, I wanted you to know that if I didn't know you were once a male would never guess it and since I know the truth have to say you look so content with mannerisms of a female and even better your voice is nice in regards to female sounding.
ANyways thought I'd share them.
Several of the things I am certified to teach require recertification like tactical batons its every three years, firearms every year, hand-to-hand combat and edge weapons every year.
The Hand-to-hand and edge weapons lapsed last year because of my transition. I informed the Grand Master about this about six months ago and was very supportive of my transition and said make sure you come to training (which was today). He lives in Florida and does certifications at various locations around the world. In the past when first starting out I would attend a grueling six day instructor course in Florida and also Washington State. For five and a half days we would learn new methods and techniques for teaching students rather than us learning completely new techniques. The last day as just mentioned was grueling in that you had to test in a realistic environment which usually each person taking the test was rather battered up.
Even though today was a one day class I expected no less in regards to the test but was told I did not need to take the test as I have proven my abilities and was handed not a one year recertification but a three year certification.
When I arrived at the school one of the people who helps runs the school greeted me and told me his name then asked mine. Since nobody else was in listening range I told him I was male until recently and that my name is Karen Payne. The significances is he knew me as Kevin Gallagher. It took him a few seconds of him staring at me and then realized who I was before. We chatted then other students came in so we stopped.
At the end of class the instructor said, in your photo on Facebook your eyes look extremely happy and no different in person. He had shown my photo to an assistant instructor in Florida whom I met once back I 2010 and said “she looks great doesn’t she”. Seems she must had as she made a friend request today.
During the class I interacted with pretty much all the students at one point on another and nobody acted oddly to me and at the same time had no clue I was once a male.
All was not peaches and crème, I realized that when people talked about family I needed to be short on that discussion as I was not going to say something like “my wife and I…”, that would give things away and was not wanting that so during some breaks I kept quite.
Overall it was an excellent day working with other instructors who do this for six days a week and kept up with them.
So it's time for bed and I can't sleep so I start watching an episode of a show that was recorded. After a bit I feel tired enough to attempt to sleep. After laying in bed for about 30 minutes I realize this is not happening. Back to watching television. About another 30 minutes later I feel it's time to sleep and try again. Guessing 15 or so minutes later I am still having difficulties.
I then remember that sleeping on my stomach use to work and matter of fact slept on my stomach all my life until five years ago because of a surgery prevented it and became a side sleeper. Why not give it a try I thought. First problem, my breast get in the way and it's not helping me to sleep so I figure out how to position myself via how my arms are positioned and I think it's working. Then out of nowhere my vagina gets excited I think "not now" so I re-position myself on my side, dang feelings persist. If there is one thing I have learned about down there is once the feeling starts it's not going away anytime in the near future. About the only thing I can do is work it out and think well when still male after orgasm I could sleep. It was a risk and mind you I like orgasm but really, right now, no no no. Well it seems that I did what was needed and did finally fall asleep. I have to laugh because I like those feelings but not that intense, and they were intense unlike before when going to sleep they are barely there and when really tired non-existing.
For the life of me can't figure why they started as there was nothing in my head that would arouse me and laying on my stomach should not have started them. Would welcome any thoughts on this.
I just watched the video below which some might think is boring yet in my mind is well worth the time and energy to sit down and watch. They talk equally to M-F and F-M. There are many who think they have it rough today but I believe after watching this video you will think differently.
One transgender, April, she is the epitome of making the right decision and is gorgeous to boot. I did learn that in a James Bond movie there was a transgender and is was very hot. Of course not all transgender can be hot but it's nice to see some just the same.
I am going to use this blog entry for posting resources for others that are travelling down a path that may or may not result in transitioning. So I will update this as resources are found.
I would request if you have good resources send them to me in a PM rather than comment below the post to keep things clean.
Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory test
Scoring for test
The following link the person put together lots of good information
HRT Male to Female
Risks Associated With Hormone Use (Estrogen)
Several months ago I wrote about a person who had a botched surgery where the outcome was rectovaginal fistula. My part was simply support prior to surgery and assist if needed with dilation processes.
Well after just over a week out of the hospital I pretty much ended my involvement with her as she was taken back in for corrective surgery and have not spoke to her.
Last night at a bar, several cross-dressers met, we were having a great time then she walked in, sat down, we all said hello. She did not look happy, matter of fact she never looks happy since I've met her.
Every single person I've met before surgery was either happy or not happy because they wanted surgery. After surgery all but this one was very happy.
So I asked how she was doing, she lifted up her top and said this is her until February, it's a colostomy bag. She said it needs to be emptied 7 to 8 times a day.
About an hour after that she walked off, we didn't know where she went. Shortly afterwards I said goodbye to everyone as I had things to get done for a trip to Washington State. On the way out I saw her sitting by herself looking very sad but knew if I asked why I would be stuck there. When I got home she had posted on Facebook that we were not a problem, she was.
This to me is a huge red flag and although I don't truly know her think she is heading down a dark path.
Did the transformation in regards to bottom surgery cause unhappiness? I don't believe it did, instead there is much more going on but not being a professional have no clue to what is troubling her.
Is there a lesson here? May be, may be not, I would like people to think through what the outcome will be after they have corrective gender surgery as it may not be the life one believed it should be. You have to have realistic expectations else you may be playing with your life.
I am not the type to attend a trans parade at all but felt the need to see what is was all about.
Well for a while there it seemed like we would not make it as my friend's husband got intoxicated and did some really stupid stuff to his wife and young daughter, When I got to her place her daughter clung onto me for safety and the husband immediately settled down to some extent as even though he is much bigger than me he knows what I am capable of. I could write an entire entry of this but decline too.
So we headed off to the march/parade getting there about 15 minutes before a bunch of speeches began. In some ways I was surprised that there was a woman walking around with no top acting like a male and after sometime realized they were looking for a reaction from people but people in Portland are not going to react for the most part thus zero gained.
I noticed a transman standing by themselves and told my friend I believe they are by themselves and look like they could use some company. Next thing I see if my friend moving next to him and starting a conversation along with introducing ourselves and after that he was happy
Overall there were segments of each part of LGBT community there and for the majority acting normal yet as you might guess there were some that were there in my opinion to stand out and be seen. Some of them IMHO were a negative to how others view trans people.
One thing I want to point out that there was a fair amount of transmen at the event and would say they were well represented in numbers and also outward appearance and attitude.
Would I go next year? Nope, as indicated above, this is not me but would support the community in other ways which I plan on doing, just not a march/parade.
The two blondes in the lower right corner, one is cisgender and the other in transition. I spoke to both of them and can honestly say they make a great couple with a positive attitude.
Think the green sunglasses suit me just fine.
When done here take a nap then walk to the mall down the street. Have checked with the front desk, they will pick me up if for any reason I am unable to make it back. Come back, do my meds and clean up followed by another nap. I am taking extra pads and water with me.
Best thing here is exercise for better recovery.
While at the mall I walked by a nail salon, backed up and had my nails done with shellac. I feel better after having them done which was partly why I went out, exercise and do something to feel better after being cooped up for several days