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Karen's thoughts

A blog by KarenPayne in General

  • Entries

    261

  • Comments

    690

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    129,674

About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

Life moments

Bunch of things I like to get out there but are too short really for multiple blog entries Went for a long overdue pedicure yesterday where I always have a good time. My lady told me that not only my facial features were female but complimented me on my overall physical appearance and said that all the ladies that work there agreed. Now I was going to get a color matching my fingernails but decided on French nails for my toes after seeing the customer next to me up until one of the other employ

Went to friends family reunion...

; Went to my best female friends family reunion and was a blast. Although I have known her for close to nine years have never met all the people who were there today, a rough guess of 30 family members and I left early, more were coming. I was seen (note I did not say treated) no different than any other cisgender female at the gathering. During the four hours I was there joined in to several conversations which was great as I much rather chit chat then simply sitting there only knowing her imme

Difficulties

Thinking of transitioning as difficult (thinking of those going through this currently); everyone will have some level of difficulty where a good deal of issues come from the degree of support we have and we can feel that we can compartmentalize each part as in family, friends and work and that is it but as many know here we must also deal with society at large. Having an overall good support system will lessen what difficulties they will have to contend with. Is it possible to change everyone’

Keeping the vagina as it should be

I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a thre

Don't confine yourself

Before gender reassignment surgery one of the things that help me make my time in the wrong anatomy bearable was setting up a home studio where I could get away from the world. I could justify the cost which was done over many years to a rough sum of $20,000 because I have always played guitar and piano. Guitars along accounted for $5,000 where I have all but one which was sold recently to a guitar collector out of state. Over the past year I even managed to setup guitar amps and a revolving set

Girls night out

Several months ago I mentioned being invited for a girl’s night out at work but never materialized until last night. We planned on five of us meeting at a nice upscale local bar inside of a prestigious hotel at 5PM while myself and one other of the woman started early at 3:30PM. The two of us chatted about of all things manicures and pedicures for about thirty minutes until another of the ladies arrived at around 4PM followed by a third not soon afterwards while the last one arrived at 5PM. Whil

Be safe today

This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking. If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards. Happy Fourth!!!  

Over planning for surgery is best

It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery. Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually n

Exuberant

Forward, this may very well be boring too some so be forewarned, I am having a so-so morning, it's hot, in the nineties and have enough of watching television so what's there to do?  I should wash and style my hair but it's too hot but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for blood work to see if my hormone levels are correct. So I decide to see if my stylist shop has time to wash, condition and straighten my hair and figure there will be a wait but as luck has it they have time. I knew going

Coming of age

For so many years I would dress in the morning in tactical clothing which includes a firearm inside my trousers and a revolver at the ankle and would stay that way until bed time. Slowly this became coming home at immediately disrobing into female jeans or leggings and a female top with flats. Those days are completely gone now hurray for that other than use to taking 15 minutes in the morning to 30 to 40 minutes in the morning where the majority of this time is "what will I wear today" which tu

Intangibles and the brain

Recently, in the past two weeks I have noticed my brain is working differently than in the past. I labeled this entry intangibles because as per the definition it is hard to touch on. It all began last week, there was something that felt different in my thoughts. Sometimes I was razor sharp with the task at hand but other times I was off in my own little world. The only thing that makes sense is that this is a cumulative effect of being o hormones. I am truly thinking more like a cisgender femal

Road trip

My daugher is going to move from the Philadelphia Pennsylvania  to Portland Oregon (20 minutes from my place) this coming Spring. I told her it would not be cost efficient to have her car taken on a train and a bad idea to sell it as the car is fairly new. In my late thirties I made the trip in four days across country (three times in three years in my forties) but thirty years later will more likely than not need one or two more days. So in total I am going to take two weeks off from work for t

Unprepared but all is fine

I had nothing on my agenda today so off to the mall to browse around. After entering the mall through Macy's my phone rings, look down and it's my son. So I answer the phone and he says "happy father's day". We chat, here ask how things are going in Oregon (he is in California). I did the usual, everything is fine then tell him about my transition. My expected response did not come which would be something like "why" but instead he asked questions which I answered and he seems fine with what I a

Feminine Movement

Today I was thinking about the real life experience (12 months test) that a person is required by the WPATH guidelines and how I seemingly did extremely well over 12+ months and believe this is partly from having studying female mannerisms, realizing  from many observations how female and male anatomies are different yet with the right preparation from watching cisgender females a cisgender male can compensate for what surgery can't give you which is the natural movements of a cisgender female a

I have totally forgotten...

I was watching a television show called "American Odyssey" where men in the show (in North Africa) are walking around in robes. I stopped and thought, wow, I have completely forgotten what it's like to have male parts swaying around between my legs and it has been just over four months since those parts went away. Now I can't fathom this at all, what was it like, nope, no memories. I think part of it was that after 2013 I was tucked 98 percent of the time as I could not bear to things moving aro

Experienced it today (mild adult content)

So I finally had intercourse today which upfront I told the man I was not interested in dating or a relationship as he is into me but he needed to know I am not letting this going any farther and he is fine being friends and having this time together today. I was very happy in regards to me able to accommodate him as he was larger than average so that means for those reading this that the larger dilator does allow for larger size penises. He did everything right to arouse me, took his time and I

Trans March Portland Oregon

I am not the type to attend a trans parade at all but felt the need to see what is was all about.  Well for a while there it seemed like we would not make it as my friend's husband got intoxicated and did some really stupid stuff to his wife and young daughter, When I got to her place her daughter clung onto me for safety and the husband immediately settled down to some extent as even though he is much bigger than me he knows what I am capable of. I could write an entire entry of this but declin

Chat with mom

My mother called last night to chat about photographs I had sent her of me (which I mentioned in a recent entry). She first asked who had done the packaging. I told her UPS and was hoping that all had arrived intact. She says, it took my bother a long time to open the package as it was packaged very well. She then studied the three framed pictures and came back with “you are right, I would not had recognized you” and that if you were to walk up to me and said nothing I would not recognize you.

Dealing with the Red Cross

Everyday I have an hour lunch at work and usually take a 15 to 30 minute walk around the city. Today there was a sign up at the Red Cross asking for blood donations so I was inspired to drop in to see if I could give blood today.  I walk in, ask if they could get blood from my in 30 minutes? They said that is possible. So I say the last time I was in was as a male. Got the usually statement such as "no way" so I produced my former driver licence and she stares at both for about thirty seconds, l

New territories

Last week I received a friend request on Facebook from a man I don't know. Usually I only allow either people I know or people that are connected to my current friends. Well not sure if this one was a mistake or not as of today. It started off immediately, each morning he would message me asking how I was doing and would respond in a way that nothing could be construed in any way that I was interested more than being friends. This morning it became apparent he wants to date me. There are several

Chondrolaryngoplasty update

As many know, I had this performed with my gender reassignment surgery. I was told it would take about one year for full transparency and at three months post surgery I had this one tiny bump that had been bothering me. Well today I was wiping my neck from sweating as it's just under 100 degrees here and it dropped off with no visible telltale signs that is was even there. Just like any surgery these things take time and so happy that this happened now rather than down the road.  This goes along

Bra fitting and thongs

My best female friend planned this morning to visit Macy's and Nordstrom's for me having a bra fitting. The first stop ended up at Nordstrom's where she knew one of the people there which has been fitting bras for almost ten year. As luck was on our side she was just finishing up with another customer so I was introduced to her and told her what I was looking for, an everyday bra with no underwire. She brought me back into a fitting room, had me take off my top and then measured me up. She then

Marci Bowers surgeon

I had a session with my therapist today where part of the conversation lead to a junction on a post I did this morning "The Opposite Sex, Rene's story" and she said that many letters being written by her are for Marci Bowers. Then the conversation turned to male to female clients and that in recent months she wrote letters for clients for Marci Bowers.  Even though she asked before, she asked again, where you happy with your results from Marci? No hesitation, yet I am completely happy with the l

Self-defense topic

Had one of those elevator discussions today, was waiting for the elevator and two female co-workers asked me what I thought about C Jenner, got that over with and then spilled over to “it’s a man’s world” which slid into my story of how after over ten years teaching firearm, impact and edge weapon self-defense that the main source of teaching dried up because of my transitioning. I also told them that perhaps in the back of my mind (and they agreed) I needed to teach and continually train becaus

Post surgery appointment - breast augmentation

Last week was my first post surgery operation appointment for breast augmentation where I was told there would be several more appointments over the next several months. Today I was examined and asked about pain or discomfort. I told them what little pain was still present was almost completely gone on Monday of this week. Both the surgeon and his assistant (a female) agreed that my recovery was better than the average person after breast augmentation and said even with heavy muscles I was doing

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