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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

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By KarenPayne,


Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing.

It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home.

The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. 

Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one???

Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly.

Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe).

It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time.

PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.






Yesterday I went to visit my best female friend who unfortunately lives forty minutes north of me and does not drive. During non-peak hours it's a 20 minute drive. Any ways we were planned on going to the Portland Saturday market but I for some reason went to bed at 6:30PM Friday night and she was up dealing with an inebriated husband till 3AM in the morning. Beings I was up at mid-night and ended up texting with her the end result was no Saturday market as we both needed to take naps and ended up getting to her place around 11AM.

So we went to a great mall five minutes from her place and did typical shopping and trying on clothes. Got to Pandora store (the only one in Oregon) and wanted to find a charm for my bracelet that had butterflies which can be seen in the picture above costing $40. After picking that one out my friend asked the sales person if they had any charms with a knife on it (if you have read my blogs this is about me and teaching edge weapon tactics) but no they did not. Then she says, how about one for best friends. Now I know at this point what she is doing, looking to purchase a charm for my bracelet and keep quite as saying you don't need to do this will not stop her. 

So the third one I say something like, yes that one works for me and by looking at it my brain says "expensive". She says I want to buy this for her. 

Side note, when you tell the sales person you want a charm he or she (dealt with both) will place the charm on the bracelet.

He then takes both our credit cards to ring up the charms.

At this point my friend breaks down in tears and know why, she adores me and has said countless times I am truly her best friend. So we embrace each other for a while then release. I look at her and she at me and we embrace again all the while she has tears flowing down her face. Of course that got me teary eyed too.  I was of course not keeping time on this but was an intense few minutes and the sales person did not try to interrupt us. 

Even though a year ago I had been on hormones for eight months I was not that emotional, I had been a fearsome male who rarely if ever showed emotions and now over the past six months finding this happening more and more

Leaving the store she told me not to tell her husband she had purchased the charm as he would not care for her spending that kind of money on non-family members

We then went to lunch then back to her place where her husband was cooking dinner. Sat and chatted for about an hour then left for home.

If you read this far the thing I wanted to say if nothing else is, it is so wonderful to have good friends. I have many friends but only four that I can say that are really and truly a friend for life. Besides my friend mentioned above I have after thirty years rekindled friendship with my brother's former girlfriend whom he dated in our late teens. I stayed close with her for another five years until she moved 3,000 miles away. We reconnected the week after my gender reassignment surgery for an entire day. Two weeks ago I said I would be purchasing a new sports car in the fall and driving down her way to visit my son. She has invited me to stay for a weekend which will be so wonderful. There are few people that will do this and I am honored to be her friend.



By KarenPayne,

Last week I came home, get out of my car and my neighbor is with her sister. The sister lived here about five years ago and lived right next door to me while i prior to my transformation. 

So I chat with my neighbor and her sister doesn't say anything to me so I believe she does not approve of my transformation.

Today my neighbor informs me that her sister had no clue who I was and had asked her "what happen to Kevin", she replied "Karen was Kevin", her jaw dropped and responded with "I would had never guessed they were the same person". Then my neighbor told me about a year ago her husband and her were coming home, he says (pointing to me walking down the street) she is hot, she slaps him and says "do you know who that is?" before he could reply she explained things. She said that is why he had stopped saying good morning to me, he was embarrassed that he thought I was someone else. I told her he should not feel that way and next thing you know he started to say good morning again.

I find this all interesting that these things happen until I look at my old pictures from two years ago and my present appearance. 

One thing I always keep in mind is that one must first have some foundation in body and face for this to happen else facial surgery is required. I always can nit-pick myself thinking if I had this or that surgery I would look better but that time has gone, thirty years ago yes I would had some some of these surgeries but at just under 60 years old heck no.

Nail Salon today

So I went to get my nails filled, I got there 15 minutes early, said to one of the ladies, I need to use the restroom first. When I come out another worker said, "Karen, thought you were going in the back to get waxed" I said, the hairs on my leg don't grow anymore.

A customer, guessing well over sixty say "same here", another lady asked if I had been through menopause, you don't look that old.

Okay, quick thinking here, do I tell her about my past? Nope but when I blurt out my age out comes 50 then I stuttered...59. I am so use to telling new people I meet that I am 50 as when I tell them almost 60 we get into a conversation that I don't care to be in, Anyways what woman in her right mind tells her real age at my age?

So I use to get shellac which was $30, went to acrylic where the first time was $65 then $30. Today I was kind of shocked when the worker said twenty dollars for today, nice way to end the day :)  Acrylic is a great way to have french nails done and they are so much stronger then shellac. In the past two months I have not had any issues with acrylic while I did break a few nails with shellac.



For years, I dated a woman, which I felt a strong attraction too beginning in 2007, but never told her about my female identity. Well in 2009 I gave her a call (she lives 40 minutes from me and I needed to do it right now) thinking that there was roughly a 70 percent chance you would accept me and was scared for the remaining 30 percent.

I came right to the point for my call and told her that I was transgender and made my mind up to have SRS in the coming years. I was happy to learn she was fine with my decision and joked about her thoughts of marrying me but now would not but if she did get married she wanted me to be part of her wedding. I went to her house that weekend and found that she had a conversation with her three children (ages 12, 14 and 21). When I arrived two of her children where there and told me that they supported me. Terri told me that her daughter although accepted me did not understand the reasons. Several weeks later her daughter sat down with me in their kitchen while Terri was making dinner and started off by saying she supported me but wanted to ask some questions. We chatted for about an hour on the topic of me transitioning. When finished she hugged me and went off to do her thing.

As weeks went by Terri would do things like take me shopping, go out to dinner, visit her family her knew me as a man and now reintroduced me as Karen. I am so fortunate to have her full support and that she has agreed to go with me next year when I go for SRS. Recently she started dating a man and she told me one of the first things she told him was, if we click you need to know that my best friend is transgender and that is part of the package for accepting me (Terri).

I know others are not so fortunate with coming out but you know what? This shows how are true friends and lovers.

Any ways I see Terri several times a month, usually we will spend the day together doing girl stuff and sometimes she will critique me in things like mannerism i.e. last time she was chatting with me and her girlfriend and looked me straight in the eyes and said “you are such a girl” which I asked “what do you mean” and she told me that the way I was playing with my hair without thinking was a female thing.

I remember when she first introduced me to her best female friend, never said I was male. We sat in her living room for about an hour and then her friend left. About 15 minutes alter Terri gets a text message from her friend asking Terri if I was male or female? I later found out that it was not that I did not pass but Terri had told her friend about Kevin (my male name) and that Karen seemed to have similar interest and traits that Kevin had. In the end she said to Terri, don’t tell Karen I asked in case I am wrong. I told Terri to tell her friend that I was Kevin. The next weekend the three of us spent time together chit-chatting girl talk and never did her friend let on that I was not female. I later discussed this with Terri and she said that her friend only sees me as female which put a huge smile on my face.

My best friend and I took a taxi to the hospital, signed a few papers the off to a room to prepare me for surgery. About thirty minutes later the surgeon arrived, drew on my body to mark up for my implants. About ten minutes later, off to the OR.

I am so use to the OR it felt like a second home :)

I woke up in a recovery room, a bit groggy as one might expect. Pain level I mark at between 3 and 4. I was given some pain medication which greater reduced the pain. Terry had them bring me a Starbucks coffee which I drank till nothing was left.

So how do they look? I believe my worries about being too large was unfounded, they are simple perfect size wise and look fantasic.

After about (not sure) one hour a taxi drove us back to my place. Yep, another cup of coffee and then started watching "The blacklist" but stopped as Terry was tired thus giving me time to write this entry.

Going back to pain level, if you read my blog entry on gender reassignment surgery I did great pain-wise. I did well this time also but would say this actually was more painful but again, manageable.


At my place right before surgery


At the hospital, I want coffee!!!


With no disrespect I’ve been noticing the more I’m with cross-dressers that two things (at least from my experience in the last several years) is, the majority of cross-dressers will not transition so they are part-timers only and that they never attempt to mask their voice to female mode and one reason I believe for the voice aspect is they only do to trans-friendly establishments.

Keeping with voice, I’ve only met three post-op transgender and I’m astonished to find they don’t attempt to change their voice what-so-ever. Sure they are many transgender people that do this, myself included as this fills the package but for the life of me don’t understand when asked why they don’t the common response is “I’m happy just like this” but at the same time get frustrated when they are addressed as “he” which I’ve personally heard when out with two of them. I tell them, if you expected to live your life as a female one must put some effort into the voice else people will not treat you as female and let’s put another thing into this, if you don’t fully pass facially but sound female you will for the most part be treated as a female while fully passing physically and sounding masculine most time you will not pass but believe you have because most people will treat you that way only so to be polite.

In the end it’s their life and their decisions made in regards to a voice will either make life roll along smoothly or create pot holes.

We all entertain our worst nightmares when stepping out the door the first time in broad daylight dressed entirely as a female all the while contemplating who others will perceive us. Hopefully over time this subsides and it's all second nature.

At my young age of 59 being a tactical instructor I was never concerned about my safety, only that of someone who might want to hurt me for their well-being after the fact which did happen the second week post surgery where in the end the police complemented me on how well I restrained myself and only used necessary force which in the end most likely left the attacker hurting for at least a week or so.

What was difficult was presenting myself to the owner of the company who owns the top school in my area for teaching self-defense, an old Marine who I guessed would not take my transition well especially since I was being groomed to take over operations of the group. He did not act rude when meeting or taken back but was treated differently. Leaving this group was very difficult, I spent a great deal of time being a top notch instructor to have 90 percent of it thrown away because I needed to transitioned. I try not to dwell on the past but it's sometimes difficult.

So this weekend I will be attending a remembrance/celebration of life for a Marine and good friend where many who know me have not yet seen me since transitioning. This will be interesting to see how those there will treat me. I plan on going in acting like my normal self, assess and react but not to react in a defensive manner which in my opinion might be detrimental. I did not sign up for this, my brain did but after almost two years out and seven months post op this is me and refuse to hide in a dark corner and feel sorry for myself but need to get past this. Once past this point I can check off another group whom afterwards will never discuss my former life as a male but instead use appropriate wording that has me not mentioning gender unless appropriate in a discussion.

Guess what, it takes time to finalize things as indicated above but at least for me I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light is closing fast which is fine by me as when the light is gone I have done what was needed to close one chapter and open another chapter of living.    

For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the "why" behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year.

Here is the deal, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body there can be relief by wearing clothing of the opposite gender but that is usually hindered as many don't have a safe haven to wear clothing for an extended period of time and eventually as one grows older the feelings of being in the wrong physical body become more intense and can destroy marriages and cause one to become secluded to the point they are alone and now in their free time can become the female they should be to a limited degree by dressing in the role of a female for longer periods.

The danger here is we think that by setting an appointment for reassignment surgery with an informed consent is all one should need. There lays the problem, it's a completely different world living as a female 24/7 in each and every aspect of your life. It quickly becomes real when you are paying for something in a store and need to use your credit card that says John Smith when you are dressed female. You might get lucky as I did, sales lady looks at the name on my credit card and says, John Smith is your husband? I will need to see your identification. Me, no that is my name, sales lady, your parents have a strange way of naming their daughter. But not everyone will be fortunate for this to happen. Next up (which should had been firsts).

The female voice, a dead give away if not practiced. You are paying for groceries at the store, cashier engages you in conversation and although nobody would every guess that you were not female because you have taken the time to dress properly, age appropriate clothing and not to much makeup you say something and out slips the male voice, oooops, you get the idea.

In the real live experience you are under pressure either all the time or some of the time and for many will truly challenge their original thoughts of transitioning. Geez, can I really pull this off? What I mean is, once you have a vagina and breast it's a completely new world and you have no choice but to either blend in as part of the scenery, become part of the scenery or become ostracized for being a freak and with that comes depression, self-doubt or more leading to dark places OR you rise to the task of merging your inner female self with a new physical self from the affects of hormones.

Trust me when I say, you have no idea, no clue what one year of living in the opposite gender is like until you have been doing it for say three months and then look back 12 months later and can't hardly remember what it was like as a male and if you can more likely than not remember it differently how the full time female experience would be.

I challenge those taking this journey to write down their thoughts before starting HRT and therapy then say 10 months down the road read what you wrote and see how you think about the journey now. If comfortable, keep a daily journal of your ups and downs, like anybody living we have ups and downs and in the 12 month role they are magnified. When seeing a therapist there are gaps of time between visits and having these notes can help you engage with the therapist.

BOTTOM LINE: The real life experience as I see it now is that it's good for you while looking back I thought "what the heck".   

Hopefully those traveling down the road for gender reassignment surgery will be fortunate to have a good support system in place to assist them with the 12 month real life test and it will go better this way. Personally I had (and still have) a wonderful female friend who not only supported me but traveled to California to be with me for GRS and then with breast augmentation was there for me too in my home taking care of me. You can not do this on your own, I repeat, you can not do this on your own so get use to the fact you will need a good support system which should be done before starting your journey, find out who are really friends and who are not and don't be surprised that many may be repulsed at the thought of you wanting to be female. 


I was just scanning over the following page and saw that some people are asked to wait up to two years before being given HRT, that is outrageous. I think that HRT and real life test should be allowed together. 

Obtaining a female voice for the male embodied female is that thing to which can’t be surgically remedied with a 100 percent success and is the holy grail for many. So what are common methods?

Mimic the cisgender voice on their own, purchase some type of series of lessons, enlist the aid of a voice therapist or go out on a limb for questionable voice surgery which statistically speaking can do more harm than good.

Many factors play into how one goes about obtaining that female voice which range from being in the closet, monetary funds to available resources. Kind of hard practicing the voice with others in the house and you are in the closet or money is tight, hard to overcome these things and can be frustrating when funds and a place to practice are available but no therapist or one is shy to make appointments in fear of what they might think of you.

No matter which avenue is chosen the ultimate test is picking up the telephone, talk to a stranger and have the responses coming back with female pronouns.

It’s relatively easy to learn to speak female for a short time e.g. one or two minute conversations but eventually for many the vocal chords want to relax, go to a comfortable place (heaven forbid), the deep male voice rather than the soft/higher voice we aspire too.

Things that can help, learn to breathe from the abdomen rather than the upper chest, placing your finger on your Adam’s apple, when at the right place the Adam’s apple rises and stays there. Try laying on the floor, this makes it more difficult to use the upper chest for breathing. Place a book on the abdomen and feel it working and if not then work on that aspect alone followed by going back to speaking at the right pitch and resonance.

After getting good with one or two minute shots of female voice try these things. Speak the following and maintaining the female voice (note between each word pause a second).

One, two

Now do

One, two, three,


One, Two, three, four etc.

Got that! Now do

One, two, three, “Every dog has its day”

Practice that until you are satisfied and now put together several quotes like this and pick a random one, no peeking. After speaking the words finish with describing the quote. The idea here is the first part the brain is comfortable with while explaining the quote is spontaneous and now you have to work harder at maintaining the female voice.

Can’t do this at home? Why not do it when driving to work or taking a walk?

When I took voice lessons I was given 30 quotes, some did more than the above as they would challenge more aspects of getting the female voice done properly.

It’s important to keep in mind that the older you are the more chances there are for one to slip back into that deep voice rather than the soft voice.

Lastly, set a reasonable standard for your female voice rather than go for something that is unobtainable as this will help you to get a passable voice.

These are just a few suggestions that may or may not work for you but if not considered or tried one will never know. 

Closing out with a short story.

I belong to a local transgender group on Facebook, was invited to meet ten or so at a local club. I walked in 30 minutes early, was approached by a female (lesbian) who sat down at my table and started talking to me. Several minutes into talking she asked, are you here alone? I said no, I am waiting for a group of transgender people and they are all dressing in prom dresses (I did not). She then said "is that them" pointing to the entrance. I said yes, recognized them from FB pictures. I waved and said "Hi", several stared at me from where they were standing then decided to come over. When they did I said I was part of their group. One (I think she is the leader) said :"I was not sure who you were... all I saw were to cisgender females" 

About thirty minutes or so into talking with them several complimented me on my looks (and most important) my voice which in this case I know they would never had said it if they did not mean it. 

It took me a while to obtain that voice and so happy for having taking lessons by a professional therapist who's main task in the beginning was to cultivate what I had obtained on my own. 

Today I was thinking about the real life experience (12 months test) that a person is required by the WPATH guidelines and how I seemingly did extremely well over 12+ months and believe this is partly from having studying female mannerisms, realizing  from many observations how female and male anatomies are different yet with the right preparation from watching cisgender females a cisgender male can compensate for what surgery can't give you which is the natural movements of a cisgender female and the lack of hips and longer legs. Granted that some of us have longer legs and have a more female curve but many don't.

Watch a cross-dresser solely dressing for sexual gratification and we will see them wearing pencil style skirts while a male-to-female that has studied cisgender females may more often wear a skirt that flares out slightly to balance out broad shoulders. Sticking with hips and broad shoulders we can compensate by wearing high waisted jeans.

I believe that no matter how well one does compensates with clothing a true telltale sign to others is when a beautiful woman walks down the street like a man, then questions begin to circle through their heads, is that a man or a woman? 

The aim of studying female movement is so that you can come to possess it for yourself, so that is not copying what women do, but rather making it part of your natural being, as it is for other women.

One thing that is seen between males and females when walking is men's feet generally are outward while female's feet are more inward. Take note of this when out in public and I am sure you will see this too. There are natural reasons for this that men do not possess yet one can mimic by imagining that you are walking along a line, but try to curve your feet into that line as you go, rather than letting them move parallel to the line. This should produce a slight, but natural-looking jiggle, that should help you to achieve an acceptably feminine gait.

Thinking of walking, how about sitting, where are your leg's, spread apart as a typical male or knees close together or touching. Are you sitting forward or backwards, where are your hands and when talking are you talking with your hands?

You simply don't practice and do but practice, practice, practice and evaluate until it becomes natural and the key here is to constantly evaluate one's self.



To start off I take a break every hour at work, walk down three stories, head outside for a few minutes then back to work. Although we have three elevators many uses the stairs and with that I pass several people that I don't know (we have over 1,000 employees). This one lady stopped me several weeks ago whom I have never spoken to before were the conversation was everyday stuff.

This morning she stopped me again and at one point said she never said anything before to me when I was male was because I appeared unapproachable, distant and never smiled. She then said since I transitioned she noticed no male traits and that I am always the complete opposite from when I was male. In the conversation I told her about me being wrapped up in doing executive security and teach self-defense may very well have contributed to my demeanor coupled with being unhappy as a male. She told me that I was handsome as a male and pretty as a female. So I pulled out my current and former driver license. She stared at them and said "you know you look so much younger now" and I said I believe it's the hormones plus good genes.

So I walked away from this I believe with a new friend who spoke frankly to me.

While writing the above it reminded me of last Friday when I had a first time voice lesson. During the introduction she observed all feminine traits I had and actually pointed them all out which made me happy as I make no conscious effort to do so. I have to say my first impression after our hour was up was, she is perfect for me and there was so forward motion too. Now with that I can see where I want to be and there is indeed work ahead but she said compared to other trans clients I was doing much better than others but stressed in the beginning it will be mentally difficult working with the various aspects of "the voice".   

Yesterday met up with the local Miata club, normally there are about five or six cars but yesterday there were 15 cars. With that there were many new people I got to meet and not one of them as with the members I met already had anything to say about me other than what someone would say to a cisgender female.

We start off with a sit down in a restaurant for about 10 to 30 minutes chit chatting then hit the road normally for one to four hour drive through the countryside. Each time  so far it's a different route. 

Yesterday I asked, how long of a ride is it today? I was informed it would be pretty much the entire day.

We hit the main highway for about two hours then off into the backcountry for about an hour at which time we took a rest stop. I was the car directly behind the lead car, had not met him till yesterday. He said that my driving was great but at one point he lost sight of me. I told him that the others were lagging behind so I wanted to keep sight of them. He said, they know the way and they would caught up to us here.

He then said I was a tad back during the last leg of the run and I said I thought it was the right distance between cars. He said, heck you can get closer. So then everyone was ready he said "the boss is getting back in the car and heading off" I jumped in my car and with the thought in mind that I could stay close to him I did.

For the next 40 to 50 minutes we ran through some pretty exciting twist and turns in the road, got to the next spot to meet up with the rest of the group, got out of our cars and I said I think they must be about 15 minutes behind us when he asked me how far do you think they are behind us?

He then told me about how he learned to drive like he does and then said I was a natural. He said "no matter what I did I you were right on my tail where many others would never keep up with me.

It was 13 minutes by the time the others caught up and they said, it's time for lunch so off we drove another 20 minutes and hit a bar. While eating two of the seasoned members told me I am ready to lead the group on a run whenever I am ready (yes I was smiling big time).

As I see it my driving skills throughout my life were crippled only by the cars I had and their ability to do regular style driving. Ever since my second run with the group I have been right in the world I should had been decades ago.

Any ways on the way home I was asked if I wanted to be the lead driver and did so which was great. I will admit what I need to be lead driver at the start is learning the routes which is going to take a few more runs.

When I returned home my car was absolutely dirty so I washed it, had a quick dinner and went to bed early happy how the day turned out.

The milestones are piling up nicely for less than a year after surgery.


My version of tucking requires two items, patience’s, some pain (maybe) and persistence in the beginning.

Item one is called a gaff from “The Breast form store” in the smallest size possible. My waist, 32 inch which falls in to the medium size so I went to a small size gaff. Item two, Spanx compression boy shorts (same sizing idea as the gaff) where there are two types, non-compression and compression version.

Procedure, pull up the gaff to just above the knees, pull up the boy shorts over the gaff. The next part at first should be done sitting down but after a few trail runs you (like me) should be able to do the following standing up.

While sitting down with the gaff and boy shorts in position with one hand do a Vulcan greeting (you know from Star Trek, Mr. Spock “Live long and prosper”). In this position, the penis goes between the ring and middle fingers. Now pull the testacies into your body and here there is a region where the testacies will slip into the inguinal canal which at first may be difficult to place the testacies into and to be honest depending on the sensitivity of the penis it may become erect. If it becomes erect stop everything and relax until the erection subsides.

Once the testacies are in place, with the other hand tuck the penis between the legs and move both legs together. Quickly pull up the garments into place, as tight as possible and know with pushing things into a tight area may hurt so don’t move right away if this happens. The boy shorts will extend up to your naval, I suggest folding them down so they are almost like a bikini bottom.

From here spend time as per above around the house. It’s been over twenty years since I started this but vaguely remembering after about a week there was zero pain involved.      

Additional things to work into the above, a panty liner inside the gaff when it’s very hot weather which helps to keep things dry.

When done as laid out above you should be able to wear skin tight jeans and leggings without any sign of a penis or testacies.

The Spanx boy shorts last time I purchased them were 44 dollars, not cheap. Two gaffs go for twenty dollars. That is a real investment and when I say investment the two items will last over 12 months when washed and cared for. This means if you tuck every day you will need at least one extra of both.

I have two Spanx boy shorts in size small, still in the original packaging, never opened. Well now I have a vagina they are sitting in my closet hanging there. So what is a girl to do with the two pair, one black, and one tan? Any suggestions?

When done right expect this




You hear about men and woman as they grow old have less desire for making love or masterbastion, one day it's all we can think about then it's gone for the most part. Then there are others who never go down this path. Nothing wrong to be in either camp.

When still a male I was pretty much a sexual creature until around 2007 where I was repulsed using my penis. I became asexual, would masterbate while tucked, never looking down. It was not easy to come to orgasm with everything tucked away but after ten to twenty minutes was done and very satisfied. I did this once a week where before 2007 I was having sex several times a week, I think more than anything else was more interested in how hormones were affecting me as I heard that in some cases the sex drive goes away or is less than prior to hormones.

After GRS I have been with several partners but other than one man and two woman not much there is regards to orgasm. I heard that it takes six to eight months to be able to obtain orgasm which is my current time frame.

Last night I got simulating thoughts going through my brain, ended up very excited for roughly an hour until it was to the point I felt like I need a partner which I called on one and was great. This morning I was thinking about last night and ended up pleasuring myself and before I knew it two hours had passed and had to forcefully stop myself. Took a shower and got onto the computer. As I am writing this paragraph the tingling is there again but must refrain because I have an appointment for hair coloring in another hour.

Okay, with all the above out, there have been times between January and now that I could not get aroused and thought I was getting to be one of those who lost it from not using it enough, using it, by that I mean the brain not what is below the belt. I get so busy sometimes that I ignore my sexual desires and that is not wise so now I am not going to let this happen anymore.

Hopefully for those who will be transitioning via surgery both before and after surgery will not let your sex appetite be lost. 


I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a threesome.

The upside to using less lube is

  • Takes less time to dilate
  • Much less time to clean up
  • Feels good to push a dilator inside seamlessly.
  • For me, I have an excess of lube.

So for those taking this journey I want you to know it does get better even though the first month or so you will want to quit which does you no good as things will close up and be left with no opening.

Another thing I have noticed is there is more moisture and natural lubrication especially when aroused. I am still waiting for the ability to have a complete orgasm where at this point it's fairly intense and last a long time but feel it's not fully there yet and have heard from others it take between eight and twelve months.



By KarenPayne,

Thinking of transitioning as difficult (thinking of those going through this currently); everyone will have some level of difficulty where a good deal of issues come from the degree of support we have and we can feel that we can compartmentalize each part as in family, friends and work and that is it but as many know here we must also deal with society at large. Having an overall good support system will lessen what difficulties they will have to contend with.

Is it possible to change everyone’s perspective on you being different from the norm? Not for one minute will everyone come to terms with this and attempting to force feed people the fact that you are a well-adjusted person will not fly with many.

Trust me when I say I don’t have anywhere near all the answers to fixing this but do believe if possible before beginning one’s journey a good support system must be in place. This support system may be one person or several people. You should be able to communicate in person and or via phone to allow you to deal with issues that may (will) come up.

I started off with one female cisgender friend outside of work then a three male and one female friend outside of work which I had better than good relationships with and one I had saved their life but even with that I needed to use kid gloves. Having this small circle is much better than having nobody at all and having nobody will surely lead one to many hardships down the road which is not where you want to be.

We all know that bad/dark place where only things like alcohol, drugs, self-mutilation and thoughts of suicide enter the mind and are so easy to not resist. I have known enough people who sunk to dark depths for other reasons and think about it, we see people in the grocery store everyday picking up their wine and beer so they can go home and forget the world. Trans people typically don’t have the luxury to simply drink their disgust with their physical anatomy away, it’s there whether we are sober, high or intoxicated so it’s always there. We need others who we trust and can let out our frustrations without the fear of pushing them away.

I think many will consider a place of worship as a haven but many religions are not so accepting of transgender people as “this is not how God made you and is a sin” so understand when going to talk with clergy that you may have the raft of God descend upon you which, again goes back to having a good support system and that places of worship may not be this way. If you attend services regularly listen to what is preached and attempt to get a feel for how you will be treated by them by coming out to them. Of course it’s not always the case that they will shun you but be prepared when talking to them well in advance what questions may be asked and practice your responses to these questions.

Lastly, many tend to think that they must stay in the same area they are now but what if the environment is toxic? If your current environment is toxic prior to coming out what do you think it will be like after coming out? Yes it can be extremely difficult to pick up one's life and transplant to a safe environment but it's possible. I saw this early on and made the decision to re-invent myself from a sales person making $25,000 in 1990 to $40,000 after one year of spending long nights studying to become a computer software developer then another year to move from one coast to the other coast to find a stable environment that was much more accepting of transgender then the last location. It's not easy to relocate and makes transitioning to take longer but I think in my case it was worth the effort. So if you live in a toxic environment and are suppressed by it you need to get out, figure out what it takes and do it.

Any ways as mentioned earlier I am not expert so that my advice with a grain of sand.  


I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks.

I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure.

So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not  a minute later there she is.  

As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history.

She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo.

Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. 

BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US.

Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!






By KarenPayne,

Forward, this may very well be boring too some so be forewarned,

I am having a so-so morning, it's hot, in the nineties and have enough of watching television so what's there to do?  I should wash and style my hair but it's too hot but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for blood work to see if my hormone levels are correct.

So I decide to see if my stylist shop has time to wash, condition and straighten my hair and figure there will be a wait but as luck has it they have time. I knew going in that my regular stylist does not work on weekends so it would be someone else. 

Never had the lady assigned to me done my hair. Told her what I wanted and off to getting my hair washed. After she washed my hair she recommended a deep conditioner which I said okay. Then off to drying and styling my hair.

Well everyone knows that in a hair salon woman chat right. So I am with a new stylist I am finding it difficult to discuss things i.e. when we got on the topic of my regular stylist leaving I said it's sad she came here from down South for a man and things fell through. She starts talking about online dating with men, me, what do I say without telling her I use to be male and then think, she probably figured it out already but avoid talking about me a a male dating woman.

Next we start talking about if I wanted my bangs cut and for whatever reason I have a memory surface about my ex-wife screwing up her bangs and want to tell the stylist and thought "oh hell" I will tell her. She I said I have a story to tell but need to reveal something first. I was male. She kepted on drying my hair for about thirty or more seconds and looks at me and says "no", "really". But you are so girly how can that be? I said that for a long time it was hard for me to feel I was female but after hearing replies such as your's I am not doubting it anymore.

Now most of the time I can't see what she is doing to my hair and finally do. I said, how did you do that? She said "your hair lead me in this direction". It's subtle but I thought "hey it looks like Stevie Nicks" as seen in this photograph. I always like this style and never could get it. So I asked her how did you do that again and she showed me. So hopefully I can do this next time I wash my hair. 

She then cut my bangs followed by showing my the back of my head to see my hair and says "you can't see it all as it's longer than can be seen in the mirror". I just adore the work she did and very satisfied.

So I expected this to cost around 25-30 dollars but was charged 19 dollars, oh my God I could not believe it especially since she spent over an hour with me.

Came home, looked in the mirror and all I could do was smile ear to ear. Have to say this has turned out to be a fabulous day.  

Closing out, two things I thoroughly believe are so much of a boost to one's self-esteem is spending time at a nail salon and the second is spending time at a hair salon. 




I was coming home from the grocery store and thought "I have not been to the toy store recently, think I will stop in for a few minutes".

So I walk in, young female sales person greets me "HI how are you doing today", I replied "Great", next comes "if there are any questions or if you want something opened let me know".

I said, just browsing, nothing in particular.

So I first go to the female toys, about two minutes go by and she comes over and said what do you think of this? She has what looks like a normal dildo but then said "hold on to it and shake it". Well I was not expecting what happened next. I said my favorite toy was, pointed to it. She says, I see you have a high end taste. I came back and said, sure makes traffic jams more pleasant.  (note, there are no other customers in the store).

She walks away with the interesting toy, I move down and start to check out the strap on equipment, I look up and she is about four feet from me so I said, which one do you like? No hesitation, she pointed out the one she uses and we get into a discussion over other ones. Must have pulled out four of them and LOL we are both pulling them up over our jeans, mind you both of us are standing in the backend of the store with strap-ons having a discussion and a male customer walks in. She say "Want to play", customer "Jaw drops",. me, I turn around and we kiss. Male customer, "oh my". So she takes off the toy and calmly walks up to him and said "what can I do for you today", male customer "I am lost, after seeing what you two did I completely forgot what I came in for.

I walk up to the door and said to her, "was nice meeting you", she, "same here, winks her eye", him while looking at her, "you don't know her?", her, now I do.

So did I leave empty handed, all depends on one's perspective.


It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery.

Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually no coverage for insurance and is out of state. Why thirty thousand dollars, because this is the high end while twenty thousand is the low end yet that is only bottom surgery so we can get to the higher end if say a skin graph is needed for better depth of your new vagina if the penis is not good enough to supply the depth. Many will opt for have their Adam's apple shaved which could tack on say two thousand, get the idea.

Add on dollars for staying in a hotel, food, transportation and all the little things that one will need for day to day live then on top of this various medications prescribed to you several days before surgery by your surgeon. The average stay for out of state surgery, two weeks.

The hidden cost will trickle in over the months after surgery for various services the hospital provided ranging from EKG test to what will appear as insignificant services such as one I got in the mail last night for $133.00 which is one of a handful over the past few months. Thinking of these (at least for me), months prior to surgery you should be receiving various documents from the surgeon's office that will either be up front or buried within statements that indicate there may be cost that are unforeseen such as blood work and other test.

With that in mind rather than saving for the surgery and cost to stay there for two weeks make sure to save money for not only time away from work which is roughly five weeks but also the charges that will surely appear over the months after surgery. Better to over save then be surprised down the road where possibly every single dollar counts for surviving while recovering those five weeks and beyond. I am living proof as well as many who came before me that it's better to prepare for the unknown charges now rather than later.    

On the other hand perhaps you have great insurance that covers most or all of the cost for surgery, there will still be things that i mentioned above that will not be covered like five weeks off from work, paying rent etc. so please be prepared beforehand.


I have was not always smart when going out in female mode in that I would wear clothing that the average female would not in a specific locale i.e. high heels and a short shirt when out for a stroll and would indeed draw attention to myself from all works of life in my younger days. From lots of reading on Internet forums it would appear I was not alone with these dressing habits. What turned me around was enlisting the service of a consultant that schooled me in how to dress and feel good about how I was dressed for whatever the occasion. For instance, when out shopping where I use to wear short shirts I swapped out for skinny jeans or a knee length skirt out for dinner and reserved short skirts for hot weather with flats rather than high heels.
I noticed that I felt more at ease when out in female mode, still got looks from people around me but not from the clothes I wore, instead the whole package. As I became more confident, I expanded where I would go. A good example, I get up early in the morning as my workday begins at 5 AM and would get up by (yes this surprises many) 3:30 AM. Well several years ago, I started taking walks around a rather large block and never had any issues with LEO (Law Enforcement) as they seemed to not patrol in this area at this time of the morning. In recent months that changed and was stopped by an officer who did not know I was not female until I told him as I presented my driver’s license and concealed handgun permit.  He explained to me why I was stopped, not many people are out at this time in the morning so I was out of place no matter my gender.
So from the start of my time with the officer I kept my hands in plain sight and for the most part kept direct eye contact with him and answered all question just enough to get by, not long and drawn out replies. I could tell he believed me and was not a bad experience at all. Several days later I was out walking again and he rolled up as I was walking down the street, he did not come to a complete stop at first , rolled down his windows and said “I see you do walk at the same time every morning” and also said he saw me the day before and was looking out for me. Next time he simply drove by. 
Next time was a different officer who was parked in a company’s parking lot, this time it was a female officer and she just waved.
Now my reason for writing the above is that I know that many people like me might wonder how they might handle this type of situation but I am also guessing many will not take the first step because they are afraid of what an officer might do to them. If you present yourself dressed as, any other female would in a similar situation the officer will more likely see you as a normal person rather than someone out looking to get picked up for sex or casing the area to rob someone. I have met enough police officers in my years of teaching self-defense to know how they think and cannot emphasize enough that you need to be dressed correctly, have some confidence in your role you are dressed in. This is for many much harder to take that first step because minds will think “he/she can arrest me” or they will stop you close to home and neighbors will see this and you are not out to your neighbors. Why mention this? Because I was stopped once on my block and a neighbor came out to see what was going on. Did it bother me? Heck no but someone else might be devastated.
Now a days I look back at all of this and simply look at these experiences kind of like going to school. The consular was worth every penny I spend learning how to dress, walk and talk. 

So in under six months I have gone through both gender reassignment surgery, tracheal shave and breast augmentation where three years ago I thought this would be impossible and now very happy that I am finished with surgeries as there is in my mind not much more that can be done that would make me happier.

I read about some who will get various parts of their face done to have the bone structure, hairline and eye's of a female and they might possibly benefit me to look more female but at what expense? Sure I can afford surgeries for better aligning my face to be more female yet that is in my opinion vanity at my age yet if I was in my early twenties I might had considered more surgery.

Sitting here right now I am truly content with the results and hope that others going down the path take their time with making decisions on what surgeries (if any) will make the the female or male they truly want/need to be. And remember, for some surgeries will bring peace while to others it may bring the complete reverse which can very well be worst than if never having surgeries.

Getting breast augmentation is reversible while genital surgery is not (well we could argue this in some cases) so please think long and hard before moving forward.

One happy female here that could not be happier :) 

PS (Yeah I'd be lying if I said I didn't want hips)   


These are some of the cost to consider when ready to transition. I am sure there is enough to do an educated guess what it will cost you.

  • Therapist, each month for one hour was $150 plus time off work and gas to travel 35 miles each way. Now that I have transitioned I have therapist appointments every three months which I think is a wise idea at least as in my case for one year post op. My first therapist worked on a sliding scale so I paid under $100 per session. A in between therapist I did not like charges $200 so it will vary.
  • Doctor appointments and cost of lab work. It's hard to say as 99% of these fees where covered by my health plan. I do remember some were two-hundred plus every six months. Usually I paid a ten dollar co-pay to the doctor and around five to seven dollars for the lab work. Now if your insurance does not cover these fees then consider every six months you will dish out several hundred dollars for this.
  • HRT medication, here it cost me four dollars for this and have not looked at what it would cost w/o health insurance.
  • Electrolysis, prices vary from city to city, for example where I live it's $60 per hour while in Portland Oregon it's between $80 and $120. I recently replied to a post that I think provides good information on electrolysis. Electrolysis is one of the most tedious processes you will go through for transitioning and the most painful to many.
  • Name change, in Oregon it's $110.00, Legal Zoom does it for $139, noticed California is about $600 so it can vary from state to state, Be prepared to spend a fair amount of time working with your employer who most likely will want you social security card done first. Then there is card cards (hope you don't have a lot), Macy's was horrible in that there process is not done well. How about Paypal, they are extremely easy to deal with.
  • Clothing, if you are like me then out with all the old make clothing which means "shopping" which of course means $$$'s.  
  • It will be tempting to go overseas for any surgery such as GRS, tracheal shave, breast augmentation but I would strongly discourage this since things can go wrong and you are left out fending for yourself. So expect to pay around $30,000 for GRS along with around $2.000 for accommodations, food tack on several hundred plus transportation which will vary dependent on rentals or cabs. I was lucky to have the hotel drive me anyplace and would even grocery shop for me.
  • Marci Bowers includes the cost for your hotel room while in the hospital for surgery. This was something I was concerned about until they told me they do this. Heck the hotel room cost $252 per night.
  • Airfare must be considered in the cost and getting to and from the airport. Marci Bowers supplies a limo for going to and from the airport.
  • Even the little things add up such as paper towels and lubricant for dilation. Have you seen the price for KY Jelly? 


For the second year I have been awarded the MVP (Microsoft Valuable Professional) where out of roughly two million candidates Microsoft picks 3,000 people were I have been honored twice.

Last year I was awarded as my old male identity and this year as my current female identity.

Each year those who have been awarded MVP go to a summit in Washington State where Microsoft pays for your room and whatever you need for an entire week that takes up at the very least two hotels and utilizes four hotels for conferences. I did not make it last year but will this year. Microsoft only pays full room cost if you share a room but they are allowing me to have my own room with a letter from my doctor indicating I need to dilate each day and that a room mate more likely then not would not be comfortable with this. Rooms are almost 500 USD per night and if not for Microsoft having a medical clause I would have to pay half the bill so I am happy to have to pay anything at all. Kudos to Microsoft.

Any ways one of the benefits of being a MVP is all software produced by Microsoft is free to the awardees, that is a gold mine.

It's not easy at all to get this award and did work hard between transitioning and doing what was needed to keep the MVP status.

A point to be made is when one transitions there is a great deal to juggle besides surgery which is important to keep in mind else one can get lost in life. Best to be prepared in all aspects of your life, not just the surgery.