How's it going, everyone? I got bored so I figured I'd jump onto here since I havent blogged in a long time. Things have been...'ok' I guess. I'm still waiting for a response form the insurance company. They'd sent back a paper saying they needed a bunch of more papers to prove that I've been this way for a few years at least.
Thankfully I remembered that I had papers copied and sent to me from when I went to therapy in 2014, so I dragged them out and looked them over. Thankfully for me, the therapist had mentioned a lot about my dysphoria and other problems I was having while being transgender; on top of having three diagnosis' on the back. Guess she wasnt useless after all lol
Gender Identity Disorder (Transsexualism), Dissociative Disorder and Manic Depression. I made a point to x out some of the depression and self harm stuff and write in 'resolved' so they wouldnt think I'm still suicidal. Last thing I need for the reason of them saying no is because of them thinking I'm suicidal or something because I'm not. Otherwise, I think I sent all the papers that they need. My surgeon's insurance adviser said she's call me when she heard anything, but then I remembered that she said that on Friday. So she might not hear anything for another week since nothing's being done over the weekend, of course.
As most, if not all of you know---I'm totally not a patient person. So waiting for a response is killin' me lol
So I've been keeping myself busy with a marathon of 'Supernatural' and drooling over the Winchester brothers. Omagerd I love those two...Sam and Dean Winchester. You know 'Dean' was one of the names I considered for myself?
Justin really didnt like it lol I mentioned it to him today and he stared at me and said 'eh.....Warren's better'. Not gonna lie, I've been really questioning my choice on name. If Warren was a right choice or not :/ Sometimes I wish I'd gone with something else, but part of that might be because I'm sick of being called Lauren by misgendering dinkle dorks. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO SICK of being called ma'am and miss and her and she. I've asked people to be 10000% honest with me when I ask what it is that makes me look like a girl so I can fix it, and they all say 'you dont look like a girl, idk why they keep doing that'. A big part of me assumes theyre lying to try and make me feel better, but it's not helping if they're lying. I need to know these things so I can do something about it.
Granted, my chest is probably a big problem since my binder doesnt do squat to help, but that's a work in progress. My boyfriend said it's only because I dont really have a boyish shape, I'm shaped feminine. I know I could fix that with more working out with my arms and shoulders---but its hard. My chest is heavy and makes breathing hard, plus the sweat is causing rashes And with all the cases popping up of people showing up with cancer from using Johnson&Johnson's baby powder, I'm afraid to use it. I just want them gone...THEN I can get my chest and shoulders more masculine. I really wanna get back into boxing because I know I've got a great punch and it makes me feel good, but I dont know where to even get started.
On another note, I'm thinking of getting my concealed to carry permit. Not just because I'm an ace shot and love the idea of having protection when I need it....but because of the sad state of this world right now. Especially with all the violence against trans people. Thankfully my state has been fairly violent-free against the LGBT+ but that's always what you want to think when something actually does happen. I'd rather have it and be prepared. It's something to consider.
That aside, I also am attempting to convince my boyfriend to sign up for Motorcycle classes with me. I've wanted to get on a bike since I was a kid, jealous of everyone on a harley and kawasaki. For my 24th birthday, I want my biker's license. I want my Kawasaki.....It's expensive and non-refundable if I fail, but I have to at least try. ESPECIALLY if I get approved for my top surgery. Put me in a t-shirt and leather jacket on the back of a Kawasaki on bike week---you'll have an extremely happy and humble man. Of course, I couldnt enjoy this dream completely unless I had my man on his harley by my side. I know bikes are dangerous and there's nothing but air between me and the pavement, but the heart wants what it wants right? lol
And OMAGERD I CANNOT WAIT until I can get back to my favorite spot on the chilly Plum Island Sands...I need ocean time so badly XD
Anyway, not much else going on. Here's a pic of me for the week, waiting impatiently. I'll let you guys/girls/uniques know when I hear back from them, either it's life changing good news or horrible horrible devastating news.
Off to work again,
Well, it is now 7:30am, and I've been up for about three to four hours so far. I'm not supposed to be to work until 11:45am but here I sit in the cafeteria of the college kitchen that I work at.
My jeep's oil pan is so thin with corrosion that you can poke your finger through it, so to save myself a burning fireball of a vehicle on the way to work one interesting morning, I decided to share rides with my boyfriend.
Who works an opposite shift than I do.
Anyway, to try and pass the time I’ve decided to blog about everything and anything on my mind this morning. Just because I can and you guys have been nice enough to listen to my ranting and whining so far without complaint. I value your opinions and ideas on this site and it’s always a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to you all comfortably with the knowledge that you’ll understand.
A lot of people, I have noticed, are completely oblivious to the LGBT community within their own lives, and it’s actually really saddening. When I go to work every day, I know well of the stares that I’m to receive or the piss-poor attitudes of those around me who do not approve.
Some even go as far as to rub my birth name in my face, and I do my best to ignore this. But sometimes it’s really hard and it drives me almost to tears. Sadly, a common thought in my mind on a daily basis is “Why are people such di**s?”
I know I shouldn’t think about it, and I do attempt to let it slide off my shoulders but sometimes it is just simply not that easy. Some days I just want to walk up to the haters and knock their front teeth out.
If I had the chance, and knew I would not be arrested, you bet you’re a** I would. In a heartbeat.
Except for the girls. I’d probably just throw something in their face or ruin their favorite shirts or whatever it is that they care about. It certainly isn’t the feelings of others.
On Another note, the impending doubt and fear of the 6th has started to spread throughout my bones. The fear of being told they wont help me. The anxiety of being turned away and told to deal with it. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle something like that….I really don’t.
I have all my hopes up on this appointment and I know I shouldn’t stress, and plenty of people tell me to calm down and let it happen, that everything will be alright. But I cant just sit here and breathe easy. It’s not who I am. I’m impatient, I’m a fearful person, and my anxiety sometimes controls aspects of my life that I know it shouldn’t.
It should be “I have anxiety” not “anxiety has me”. But sometimes its just not that simple to control.
On another hand, I have managed to save up 1,488$ in my surgery funds. To me that doesn’t sound like a lot at all, but I know it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing.
Something that happened just this morning, precisely twenty minutes ago right……now…still has me a bit irritated but I know it’s something I’ll have to get used to.
I had ordered a birthday cake for my little sister for when I go up on May 2nd through hannafords. It’s a batman symbol, but also the symbol of her favorite band (and one of mine) Black Veil Brides. Anyway, I accidentally ordered it for April 30th, not realizing it’d be sitting in my fridge for almost 2 days before she’d get it. So I called to change it to May 1st instead, and had to do it on my cellphone which I know sucks.
“I’m sorry, I think the connection is bad. Ma’am, are you still here?”
Ugh……Sadly, yes. Yes I am.
I responded with “Not a ma’am, but yes, I’m still here” to which she giggled back “Oh, my bad. You sounded like a chick”. Oh yeah? Don’t f***ing remind me!
I do my best to deepen my voice, but without hormones I fear it’s something that’s never going to be quiet up to par. And my boyfriend has requested that out of the top surgery and name change and everything else in my transgendered life..hormones wont be one of the things I pick up.
A little heart broken by the request because I’m not ‘built’ masculine, but I’ll take it. As long as I loose my ‘tumors’ and go by Warren, I can deal with the lack of a male face.
I’ll just be a very fem guy.
I just wish people would stop calling me feminine pronouns. Her, she, miss, ma’am, madam, lady, woman…..I take it all as an insult. And though I’ll admit sometimes its not their fault and they simply don’t know any different, there are those select few who DO know and don’t CARE.
And that is the most frustrating. But no one said Transgenders had it easy, did they?
Everyone here has felt that punch in the gut from the words of others. That stinging in your ears as someone calls you something you despise. Or that pounding in your chest when someone does call you something you want.
Living the life of a transgender is a very emotionally trying adventure. But every adventure has it’s hills and rivers. You gotta be willing to climb that hill, and willing to get a little wet and muddy to cross the streams.
Not everything is a grassy field you can simply waltz through. Sometimes you gotta put some boots on.
(Just randomly wanna note that some old lady is literally staring straight at me and has been for the past ten minutes as I type. Can you say creeeeeeeeepy?)
On another note, I’m increasingly becoming more and more of a shadow in my family. I’ve always sort of been a distant shadow but now I’m an unwelcomed one. Like the ghost that everyone knows about but no one understands. They fear and cower away from it without realizing it means no harm, and only wants to be seen. Or heard.
I’ve kept my distance as best I dare manage without losing touch completely, for my little sister’s sake. But my nieces don’t even know my face anymore. My little sister asked my 5 year old niece Kai if she knew who I was, and she replied “nope. Is that your brother?”
And my sister couldn’t even answer honestly. She cant say yes, because of the anger that would follow from my older sister and mother. But she couldn’t say no because she does not believe in pushing my gender identity into a corner. She sees me as her brother. A man, a guy, a dude. She’s the one shining star in my family of black holes. She accepts me for me and doesn’t ask questions. As long as I’m there for her, she doesn’t care what my name is or what I’m wearing or who I’m kissing.
That’s what I love about her.
She is completely open to the world, even with it shuts her out.
Struggling with her own identity, she understands my pain. She “thinks” she is bisexual but has not reached that full point of knowing yet. She may be Lesbian, she doesn’t know. She’s explored the idea of transgender even before I came out to my family, but is hesitant. She doesn’t believe herself male, but doesn’t like female. I think she’s just Gender Fluid. Androgynous.
I’d love her either way, no matter what she/he chose. It just takes time to figure yourself out. Took me years and I’m still discovering! I thought I were Lesbian, later discovered maybe it was actually bisexual, and now realize I’m actually Pansexual. Life is an ever changing journey, so you cant jump to conclusions.
Never assume it’s over until you’re shaking hands with Death.
Anyone miss me? Yeah, me either. You havent missed much but I figured I'd post an entry just so people dont think I died or something. Not sure if I'm even relevant anymore but, yeah.
So here's an update.
No surgery. No responses from insurance, no responses from GLAAD or any of the LGBTQ+ Advocates for NH nor anyone else I wrote to. No one seems to give a flip and that doesnt really surprise me...
I'm still dealing with the MPD stuff, all eight of the obnoxious whiners -,_,- My life in a nutshell.
I still dont have the money saved up. I barely have 600$ saved up and my hours got cut for the summer season. I work the bar and get tips but guess how much I got in tips tonight after 8 hours in a hot bar? .....$0.50...
Last week? $1.00
My surgery is going no where and my thyroid problem has gotten more annoying. Normally people are on 50mg, I'm on 260mg and it hasnt helped at all and my levels havent balanced out. I dont get it...
I'm back on my Youtube channel though I feel like no one watches it anyway.
Anyhow, here's links to the Youtube and the facebook group page. If you feel like it, go stare at my randomness and maybe poke a few buttons.
Button poking is fun.
Met a fellow LGBTQ+ person when I went to an Orlando Vigil in NH (vid on my channel), and he was awesome and helped me feel better about myself.
This week has been interesting....that for sure...
Well work has improved in terms of being called Warren or Ren (I gave everyone the option to use whichever they prefer, and I have noticed that certain people prefer to use Warren whilest others prefer Ren, and one even likes to call me Renren). There are two in particular who refuse to call me anything aside from Kristy, but theyve gotten the cold shoulder from many who support me because they know it's only out of spite.
So, in terms of work, it has been great.
Still slightly challenging here and there, but much better. I dont mind coming into work anymore because I know that I can finally be myself.
Mike H, the man who took the first steps with the company to make sure I didnt have to hide who I am and got me my name tag, has also made a point to make sure anything with my name on it says Warren. He also makes a point to correct someone if they call me Kristy, and he's been great.
To show him how much of a big deal it is to me, even if others dont think it is, I got him a 10$ gift card to our local pub/grill so he can share an appitizer or drink with his wife on me
We've become good friends.
It's nice to have that boost of support.
You know, normally people overlook such a strong word. It's just a simple word, right? Support?
Well...if you're in the process of something life changing, emotionally tasking and physically exhausting...a little 'support' means the world and beyond.
To have someone who's got your back. To pick you up when you're down, and brush you off so they can tell you 'it's cool, buddy. We're in this together"
My boyfriend, Justin by the way, has been extra awesome. He's improved drastically in terms of understanding and patience, and he's always there to help me or give me advice. Even if he's not sure about the situation, he's always there to help me out.
I met a friend on my game IMVU online, and her name is Destinee. We've been friends for almost a year now, though neither of us expected to still be chitchatting after a week. Thats how most online friendships go. You're the best of friends for about a week or a month and then all of a sudden, you're looking at the username and thinking "who the hell is this person?"
But she's been incredible. She's helped me with the cutting and the depression and everything and anything I had on my mind.
We've adopted eachother as siblings. She is my sister, and I am her brother. She loves me for me, and I return the favor.
Plus her family thinks I'm adorable and promise snuggles when I eventually visit her in California.
It's nice to have that. Support.
Love, encouragement....and support.
Families are supposed to support eachother.
I've...never really had that. Even as a child. Growing up, I always felt like I had to fight for attention. I'm one of five siblings, though at the time there were only four of us. My baby brother came much later in life. But as it went, it was my older sister Manda, then me, then my brother Eric, and my baby sister Becky.
My relationship with my mom was always so/so. We didnt always get along, but we didnt hate eachother. My dad....was my hero. Everything about him, I loved.
But I was always second best. Manda was his first, his horse back riding girly girl. They enjoyed horseback riding, which I never really got to be a part of unless it was behind my sister...basking in her shadow. Then my brother, my dad's only son. They enjoyed hunting and playing rough. I never got to because it 'was boy time'. Something I desperatly wanted.
Then of course, my baby sister. His baby, his little girl. They played, they laughed, and they enjoyed running around and being adorable.
In between genders, not sure of myself...the boundaries I had been given seemed wrong and unfitting to myself. 'Girls dont do that' seemed incredibly wrong to me. I didnt feel like a girl. Did having girl parts make me a girl? Was that the only astounding feature that could condemn me to a life of dresses and bows in my hair? I didnt want that. How could I not be given the choice?
Any attempts to explain this to my mother was passed off as 'being a tomboy'.
When my father passed away suddenly, I gave up trying to leave my dresses behind.
I just wanted to make my mother happy.
Years passed, and the attention spans never changed. Manda came first a lot of times, despite what she may claim. First to leave the house, first to have her boyfriend, first to get a car and wreck it in the same year....four times in a row. All paid for by my mother.
Any vehicles I wanted I had to help pay half for, and she drove them more than I got to. Thanks...
I was too busy playing 'mr. mom' to have friends. We moved 12 times in 10 years, so I didnt get to make friends anyway. It was just me and my laptop, which they claimed I was on too much anyway.
What other life did I have? Behind a screen was the only time I could be...me.
The attention soon left us all and went to my baby brother Jordan, or one of my mom's 'awesome' boyfriends that she frequently changed about twice a month, if not more.
I gave up keeping count.
The point I'm trying to make here, is support.
I had none.
If I wanted to do something, it was up to me. If I wanted to try something new, it was my own problem. If I tried to explain to my family why my 'weird phase' was me trying to figure out who I was...I was just being an attention whore.
Keeping my "lesbian" activity secret was me just being an attention whore, despite that it was kept secret in fear of my family's opinions.
Me coming out that I were Bisexual was just me just "doing it for attention".
My cutting problem was me "begging for attention."
Finally telling them that I dont want to be a girl and would like to identify as a male......I'm "an attention whore".
Support is a strange and unused word with my family. I didnt always think so. At one point I were sure that they supported me and understood my struggles. That they were alright with it.
Until I found out they were snickering behind my back. Laughing about my troubles.
Refusing to cooperate or call me warren, or male, or even CONSIDER the possibility of allowing the small children of the family to call me Uncle Warren instead of Aunt Kristy.
I wrote them a note over facebook privately. I'd like to share their 'support'.
Me:Hey nevermind the 17th,(i was planning to visit them) I already know how it's gonna go and I don't need another repeat of the last time I was there. I miss my nieces and Becky and Jordan but my problems seem to be inconvenient to you guys and I don't need to get in another fight about it. I've got enough problems and it's pretty clear by now that you two aren't really willing to work with me on it, as if it isn't hard enough already. I figured you'd understand by now that this isn't a f***ing choice and at least try to understand, but it seems like my family are the only people who aren't willing to be supportive and understanding. If you need me you know where to find me. If you can't deal with having another brother then I'm sure you can deal with losing him too. Your choice, I'm not gonna keep ramming my head into a brick wall if you're not gonna listen or at least put your pride away and try and help me.
The responses I got, bits and pieces of a back and forth rant.
My older sister for both herself and my mother:
"Do what ever you want, this has nothing to do with my feeling on ur chose however It does everything to do with the facts and challenges of small kids, if you aren't willing to understand that your changes are confusing to them then I'm sorry but you can't be part of their life's until Ur changes are made and final. They are simply to young to understand and I won't allow them to be more confused about this"
"U are so self wrapped right now u don't even see the problem. Grow up, this isn't about u, my kids are my number 1 important and I'll protect them from being confusion this is starting. Has nothing to do with supporting you, drama queen"
So. No nieces. No family visits.
I'm no longer welcome home...
The only supporting family I have are those at work, Destinee, my boyfriend and everyone on here. My own blood has decided I’m too embarrassing and confusing for them to handle. I’m not allowed to come home.
And the cherry topper for this all? Remember the fight I had with my sister to begin with, and my mother decided not to support or defend me? She just sat there and watched it unfold. No offer of support or even to join the conversation.
She’s done it again. She never said a word. She let my sister run her mouth, shut me out of their lives…and she never said a word. That’s what kills me.
I never mattered in their lives before today, and now I matter even less to them.
The kicker is I cant even go and complain to my therapist about this. I ditched her.
She weren’t helping me. She weren’t helping me move forward. She knows nothing about transgendered problems, and for lack of better words, she were ‘useless’ to my situation. I were spending 45$ a visit, plus 10$ in gas to get there, to vent about my problems. I can do that for free at my house. I’m beginning to wonder what the point of all this is.
A story hit home yesterday, and I cant stop thinking about it.
Insurance said no. For the fifth time.
My favorite beach is closed.
My birthday plans have been cancelled.
And I literally cant think of many reasons why I should even bother to keep trying.
Please dont message or comment with 'keep your chin up' or 'keep trying' because that literally only ticks me off.
Today is tuesday, and as some of you know, tuesday is my therapy day. The day I suck up my blahness, climb out of bed, and go sit and chitchat with my therapist about...basically everything and anything.
But this time, I broke down after I left her office. I sat in my car, gripped the steeringwheel and attempted to get a grip on myself, before finally breaking down and bawling my pathetic eyes out.
I feel like she gave up on me already.
I were originally instructed to see a therapist for my anxiety and depression problems, but mostly for being transgendered. I admitted to my therapist that I think my self harm, depression, and anxiety are all linked and rooted strongly to my identity issues. I strongly believe that if I were able to truely be Warren, I'd be better off. Happier. Healthier.
On the paperwork when I originally signed up to go to therapy, they'd asked me "What do you expect/hope to get out of therapy? What is your end goal?"
Honestly, I didnt know. I still dont. I'd left it blank because of that reason.
But today she put down her notebook and looked me dead in the eye.
"I'm going to be honest and frank with you," she said. Instantly I knew something was up.
"Until you can decide what it is that you want, I dont see a point in you even coming here. You dont know where you're going, you dont have a goal in mind, then I dont know what I'm supposed to do to guide you to it. Until you decide what it is you expect or want out of therapy sessions, it's going to do you no good. Think about it over the week until I see you again"
And that was it. Nothing more. We were done.
Dont get me wrong, shes probably right. But I cant help but feel like she was throwing her hands up in surrender and saying "You cant figure out your own problems then I cant be your solution".
I made next week's appointment on the way out, but honestly I felt numb as I did it. Just nodded and said 'see you later'.
I dont want to go back.
I dont know what I want, damn it! That's why I was going, to get help! I know I dont want to be what I am right now, isnt that clue enough for her to help me figure things out?
To be honest, I'm tempted to just call them back and cancel the appointment and not go back. I feel like theyve given up on me already...it's only been the second session, and she throws that at me. When I've finally broken down in front of her and teared up because I'm frustrated with staying hidden.
She said so herself, that it seems more like in terms of life, I've secluded myself. So why the hell would you back out and leave me secluded instead of trying to draw me out?!
I dont know what to do about the situation.
Advice or opinions welcomed.
Frustrated as hell,
So first I wanted to respond to a few things in my last blog because posting comments was getting confusing.
"May I ask, does your boyfriend consider himself a Straight or Gay man? Do you consider yourself a Straight or Gay man? From my interaction with you and looking at your pictures (I have very sensitive "Gaydar"), you come across as a Straight man. Of course, I could be wrong." The answer to this would be no, Justin does not consider himself gay, and is 100% Straight. Which, yes, confuses the situation a little bit, but I respect his sexuality. I, myself, am Pansexual. So that makes my life a little easier lol. So I'm a fraction of both gay and straight but more open than Bisexual
"If this is actually an agreement - she asked for rent and named the amount, then the space in her house that is not considered common area is yours, and she cannot enter your space unannounced when you are not there unless there is an emergency. Otherwise, any entry must be scheduled and you must be notified in advance."
We did agree to pay a certain ammount (Justin and I as a couple) but no paperwork were signed so it is not a legal agreement and She can toss me out as just a 'guest' in her house. We live in one house, and my bedroom is literally considered "her sons room" to her and she claims to have free range over the whole house. Either she's right or wrong in the situation, doesnt matter because I cannot avoid it right now.
As such the situation has gotten more and more Frustrating. Last night I came home and my bedroom door were wide open (not the first time) giving all the animals of the house free roam of it, which is VERY enfuriating considering some of her EIGHT cats pee on things. Not only that, but my native american medicine wheel and safeguard disk were on the floor in the hallway, both of which my deceased father gave me, CHEWED UP and basically ruined. This is the third time this week that I have come home to my door open and either my razors stolen, my room trashed, things knocked over, things missing, or the room just left open for access of the stupid animals that she is hoarding. Today I locked the bedroom door before leaving but there's no promises that they wont find a way to open it anyhow. I just dont understand how two people who earn (debatable, its sometimes a government disability check) cant just go out and buy their own damn razors or stay out of my room. There is nothing in there for them. They dont like it if I go in their rooms! It's beyond obnoxious, and I hate being there. But as we've all agreed, no point in taking action until I have the funds or job to find my own place.....
ANYWAY, its wednesday, and my computer decided to be a d*** and not work. So I did my videos on my ipod which was obnoxious but productive. Here ya go.
Today I had another doctors appointment, which is my regular monthly thing.
I assume she were happy with what was going on, since she said she doesnt need to see me for another two months
I've officially gone from 225-230 pounds, all the way down to 214 She wants to see me down at 210 or lower by the end of Janurary. GAME ON!
So I kicked off my challange....with a bowl of ice cream. Darn it, I'm so bad at this >.<
We talked for a while about the gender thing, and she got me seriously thinking about the name change process, so I did some looking into it tonight.
Did you know it costs over 110.00$ to do a legal name change, and you have to have a court date?! Plus they legally HAVE to post it in the paper ( yay.) and the judge can just up and decide NOT to grant it, but you still have to pay.
What the flippernuts?!
But....I guess it would be worth it, afterall. But I dont want to even try and change my name until I at least have top surgery. There's no point having a male name when you have breasts. Seriously.
Today I had an interesting development.
A girl kept watching me from a table as I was working, and kept acting like she wanted to ask me something. But she kept hesitating, and changing her mind. When she finally came over to talk to me, I were surprised by her question.
"No offense but...are you a guy or a girl?"
How do you answer a question like that? When you're still legally and technically one gender, but desperate to identify as the opposite, yet dont want too many people to know about it yet.....what the heck do you say to that?
I was kind of nervous about it and stuttered out a quick "Technically girl...why?"
To which she responded "Bummer. You would have been a cute guy. I'm not into girls though." and walked away.
Uh, what? Wait, what!
In one aspect, I found it somewhat flattering and rather amusing, and it made me laugh a bit. I thought it was hilarious, and loved it.
But then I told my boyfriend.
You know that look on someones face when you say you have bad news and that curling of the nose as they listen to something they need to do? That was his response.
Kind of like "Ugh....this again....Dont like it."
It was rather disheartening to be excited that someone had to actually ask if I was a girl or not, and have that hope that I look like a guy a bit for them to ask me to clarify; only for him not to share my enthusiasm and kind of shrug it off.
Feels like I'm the only person who showed up to a birthday party, and its my own birthday.
Kind of sucked.
I guess I'll just to deal with it...
Otherwise it was a pretty good night, I suppose.
Hey, at least its friday
Tomorrow I got to change the oil in my car, check the battery power, get a light checked, return my broken ipod, and work for a friend of mine around her house.
I think I work 7 days a week and no one told me.
Well theres good parts and of course, bad parts, to life in general.
It started out where a lot of stress comes from in any average american, regardless of sexuality, gender, or lifestyle.
My mind was deadset and my plans set, and I walked in with confidence and pride. I wanted my name tag officially changed away from my feminine name and to my male nickname of 'Ren'.
I was so set on it, I had my whole heart bursting with excitement. One little tiny piece of plastic to wear every day to remind me of who I am, and that no one could take it away from me. That it would be me. Mine.
Upon requesting a change of nametag, I were told that the H.R. woman would have to ask my supervisor/head chef about it first.
Confused and seeming a little put off by the notion....he denied my request. That until I get my name legally changed....he refuses to allow me to have my name tag changed. A non-binding piece of plastic...something that would make next to no difference in the world to anyone but me...but he said no.
Personally, if I may be so bold....it felt more like a personal disapproval on his part rather than professional opinion. Almost like he didnt understand why I wanted my name changed, and when he did....and he realized what was slowly developing between my change of appearance and then to my change of name...its like him saying "Not in my kitchen, you wont."
It hurt...it STILL hurts.
Though I am very proud to say that my relationship with my boyfriend has skyrocketed into support and understanding. He fully supports me and is assisting me in legally changing my name, and I'm going to call the courthouse tomorrow to pick up my paperwork and get that started. Not only to support me and make me happier but in spite of OUR boss being negative about the situation, he has decided to start calling me Ren whilest at work, instead of my feminine name.
It makes me smile and tingle in my heart every time he does, and he started to do so without me even asking it of him. He did it of his own choice, and to me, that's the best and brightest part of it all.
The Bad Turns:
I brought my littlest sister home after a month long visit, and it pained my heart so badly to bring her back. I know how my mother treats her, and I know that my oldest sister is the worst offender. But I cannot legally keep her here, and I cant yet finacially support her either. Justin and I are in the process of looking for a two bedroom apartment near us so that we can let her move in with us, but we have to wait impatiently for our taxes to come back, pool it all together, and see what we can do.
Upon visiting with my family while at my mom's house, I was painfully aware of the little comments and hints my older sister was throwing out. I know she doesnt approve nor understand me being male when she's always known me as a sister. She does this in public as well, and makes a point to loudly call me her sister in front of others to embarrass me or confuse people.
But that day....I'd had enough. My family and I were discussing name changes, and that my mom and 19 year old brother want to leave their last names for my mom's maiden name. I voiced my opinion that I could never do that, as it is my father's last name, and since his passing away; its the only thing I have left of him. Despite taunting that I get for the last name, I carry it with pride and defend it because not only is it my right, it is my family, my life, and my heritage.
I said "It's all I have left of dad, and eventually I'm going to legally have his Middle name in his honor". To which my older sister replied "Yeah because you'll never have his gender, no matter what you do." and she laughed about it.
It stung, and I snapped. I gave Justin the nod to signify that I wanted to leave, and my sister began to scream and yell at me for being a coward and wanting to leave. I dont remember what was said, but there were a lot of tears, a lot of screaming. I gave my mom a hug to let her know that it was between me and my sister and not her fault, and all the kids came to my aid with love and hugs, and I was on my way.
I bawled my eyes out. Not only because I dont like having those fights, or fighting in general because it pumps up my anxiety....But the fact that my sister's disapproval of who I am had gotten so drastic that she's taken up the full time effort to throw it in my face.
That's when I also decided...I dont care anymore.
I'm changing my name. I'm being myself. And frankly.....everyone who disapproves can kiss my ***.
I'm done pleasing the world.
My boss will get over it, or I'll go over his head for descrimination. It's an equal opportunity employment and the company prides themselves on diversity for all genders, races, sexualities, nationalities, etc. If he's choosing to go against their open door policy, he'll be in a world of hurt.
If my sister doesnt approve, she can simply keep talking because I'm no longer listening.
Even if the world decides to crush me for it, I'll still be a shining, crushed pile of manliness. You wont find a hair tie, pink blouse or skirt on me. If you dont like my boxers, dont look. If you dont like my haircut, dont look. If you dont like the way I talk, act, walk, or be myself....keep walking.
Because THIS dude dont give a ****.
I'm done with it.
I am Warren Renexius Ornan G. And if they dont like it, they can shove it.
ON A SIDE NOTE:
Slipped and fell on the ice on my way to my car today, severely sprained my ankle, bruised my shin muscles and bruised my achilles' tendon. Two days off work for me >.<
So I figured I'd stop in with yet another update, on two things.
First off, the dog I were helping care for down the road (Weezie) is doing much better! Her owner/mother took her to an emergency veterinary clinic because she were still very worried about her. I were supposed to go with her but overslept and never got her messages, so I missed it. BUT, The vets decided to keep her overnight because of her age so they could examine her and run a few tests. They found that she were severely dehydrated, so she was put on an IV overnight, and much to her delight, spoonfed food. I were correct on the gas, afterall, and they found that she had a gastro-intestinal blockage. Given another week or so, she probably would have passed away. Also the severe shedding were simply because she is an older dog, and we did have a really hard winter, So this is what they refer to as a "hard shed" due to excess oils in her hair and its just a LOT more than normal.
I'm pleased to report that she is doing MUCH better and is roaming around very happily, freshly groomed and bathed, her nails clipped and ears cleaned. She got very pampered and she loved it! She's now walking and roaming back to normal, and is fully able to get herself up and around without assistance.
Also, It's wednesday!! Which means another youtube video
It were certainly a bit longer than I had planned, but I were half awake this morning so it's sort of slapped together >.< Enjoy, and feel free to give me ideas and whatnot
Lots of love and not much to report otherwise,
It's always fun updating lol
Also I want to add in that today is the anniversary 125th of Wounded Knee in North Dakota
So not much has happened aside from this was probably the best, most uneventfully drama-lacking christmas I've ever had. Best. Christmas. Ever.
So my visit with my family went better than expected. Some (if not all) my xmas presents from my mom and siblings were to Ren, not Kristy, which was awesome. My older sister took me upstairs and said "the girls are going to call you a little of both. I told them they can call you whatever they want, Ren or Kristy, Aunt or not. I'm leaving it up to them so dont get mad if they mess up because I'm not taking a side on the name until you're "officially" done." (officially meaning when I somehow dig up 9k$ for my surgery >...>
I told her that I dont care what the kids call me because yes, theyre children, and it'll take time. The only person that annoys the crap out of me with "kristy" calling is HER, not the kids. Naturally she ignored the whole comment entirely and misnamed me all night, but I chose to ignore her since everyone else was being awesome about it. Which is insanely rare.
Christmas with justins family was hosted at his brother Adam's house, which was great because both Adam and his fiance Tressa both chose to call me Ren as requested, and eventually the other people at the house also did it so as not to piss Tressa off (She is NOT the person you want to piss off lol). So it was nice
It all went great and things have been super uneventful for the most part lol Gifts were great (though not necessary lol) and Alex has been busy with an adult coloring book we got of Mandalas. Also let him buy in-game money for his IMVU account lol And although I had a HUGE falling out with our mutual friend Destinee, I am totally find with him talking to her on a daily basis. I actually prefer it because although we dont seem to get along and for some reason I cant handle talking to ANYONE.....(Literally, anyone. I have zero friends that I text or talk to because talking to anyone seems to instantly annoy me no matter what the conversation is) I like the idea of him talking to her and keeping her company. I still care about her, I just cant handle talking to people anymore. Not sure why. I think it's better I just not talk to her and avoid hurting her entirely. At least she has Alex now...they seem to be good friends. Sometimes I wonder if she was originally Alex's friend to begin with, not mine...I care about her, a lot. And I want her safe and happy more than anything. I just dont feel like my imbalanced attitude and spats of random asshole-ness was a benefit to her at all. I dont like making her feel like I hate her. I dont hate her.
Anyway, recent drama is my younger sibling Kai I wont go into detail but I'm looking into maybe having the State of VT release Kai to me as his legal guardian due to abuse. I'll need to look more into it...Wish me luck. Hope everyone had a good christmas and has a happy new year.
Ah howdy dewdy do berrysnoggles. I'm slightly bored atm so I decided I would ramble while watching my bf play 'Dont Starve' on tv.
I got my lil bro Kai here and he's on IMVU spacing out so I got bored. First off, I want to mention that you never realize how hard it is to switch pronouns for someone unless you also have to do it. I used to think "Omg, how hard is it to just call me SIR?! OR HE?! WTH PEOPLE". Well now I would like to humbling apologize. It sucks and it does take a lot of practice. Surprisingly, Justin is doing a better job at keeping Kai's pronouns than me. I think part of it is because Kai was so on the fence about his gender identity on wether he was/is transgender or not, that I wasnt sure what he preferred and he wasnt even sure yet. But now I guess it is official and I need to kick my own toots into gear on remembering. Him, he, his, etc.....Just keep repeating it, right? lol
Anyway, my mother made it abundantly clear that if I do not deliver Kai home by the 22nd of december, he will not be coming back ever again. SO Kai and I agreed that, at least for this year, we will do as she wants and follow her rules. We did have xmas together last year so I suppose it's only fair. I'll ask my mom later how she feels about me taking Kai next year since she's getting this year. Hopefully she says yes. She seems to have come to a little more reasonable terms with me being transgender now that Kai has come out as transgender as well, though she's still in denial about it. Perhaps she's in denial and in the mindset of "well you didnt show signs of it through childhood like Kai has" because she feels guilty to have not paid attention at all in those times. Kai's teen years and my teen years are vastly different. I was trying to go to chef's school, balancing sneaking out to discover my sexuality, being arrested for trespassing and vandelism, joining covens and basically doing things I shouldnt have been doing. I was rebelling, discovering myself. So I werent home very much unless I were forced to play mom while my mother was busy with her numerous boyfriends or getting new jobs (that she quit after a few weeks and blamed us kids for.). I was so often referred to as the mother of the house that I had to teach my (at the time) 3 year old brother to call me his sibling and not his mom.
Anyhow, I'm falling off track. In terms of Alexandru, we've gotten a long a little bit better though we're hitting roadblocks here and there. Like, for instance, Alcohol. Alex rather enjoys drinking at random and I've picked up my iced tea to drink and found vodka in it not helpful. We talked about it a little and we DID agree that we wouldnt drink on work nights, and he had obeyed that because it wasnt on a work night. But I wasnt in the mood to drink, so it still annoyed me. Another issue we've had is that he wants to date. I know he's fine with me dating justin and he is tollerable of the whole....sexual thing.....But I know he's not into him. Justin just isnt Alex's type. He wants a girlfriend, but I honestly do not see this working out. Justin is still in the mindset that 'alex' is simply a different personality in terms of moods or emotions, and not a seperate person entirely. We havent really talked about it because I'm not sure how to. I told Alex that he can date on IMVU and we just wont tell justin, but I think he wants a more physical relationship. I feel bad but there's not much we can do about it.
I've decided that once my insurance is settled, I'm going to try and find a therapist that covers both Gender Identity and MPD to help us figure out what steps to take next. We have been keeping up a journal to talk either back and forth or just get things off our minds (seems weird to use that word in plural), and it seems to help both of us settle a little and not feel so aggitated. Though we've agreed not to read eachother's pages without asking in case there is something personal. Mostly we're keeping the journal as a reference for whatever therapist we might get, so they can see that this is an ongoing thing and not just on a whim of "oh, yeah, btw....". I guess that's mostly just my fear, is people thinking I'm doing this for attention or something. But one simple note comes to mind that reminds me that this might not be the case. He reminds me of it occasionally.
"If this was for attention, than why do we talk to eachother both mentally and verbally while at work? When no one is around and clearly no one can hear us. If it was for attention, why would we bother to upkeep that habit when no attention could be taken from it?"
He's kinda got a point.....Lately he's figured out how to stay awake at night during work and I..."rest", I guess you could say. So during the day when I'm awake (after we both physically sleep), he's mentally very quiet as if in his 'own room'. I've realized, by talking with another person with MPD (more alts than I have though) that they each can have their own rooms or realities that they can retreat to whenever they feel like it. Alex has told me about his room and I'm kind of jealous that I dont have one lol but it's whatever.
Mostly I (we, apparently, since it irritates him too) am very pissed off that it's December 15th and we've seen nothing but Rain, rain, rain, and more rain. We're due for 60F weather for the next week or two, and this is TOTALLY NOT NEW ENGLAND!!!!!!! Last year we were in three feet of snow by now! This is not only annoying, but unsettling....This weather is the complete opposite of what we should have right now. It's creepy and concerning....I dont like it. At this point, IF we even GET snow---we'll have snowbanks clear through til July Not impressed. This is REALLY going to mess up crops and whatnot. We already had a bad year growing crops, and this def' is not going to help.I'm not huge into the global warming theory but jeez.....It's kind of freaking me out.
Plus Alex really wants to play in the snow >.<
So we're having a short Xmas on saturday for Kai before he goes home, which'll be interesting lol I was accused of being a student at the private academy I work at AGAIN because people think I'm underage (WHY?!!?!?), And I got my hair cut. Pics will come soon xoxo
Think that's all for now lol This is seriously just a ramble post.
I know, I know, it's been forever. I've been super busy here lately and havent gotten a ton of down time to do a blog post, I'm really sorry! Plus my darned computer keyboard is dying so typing for a long while gets very frustrating since about 5 keys dont work unless I beat the crap out of them lol
Not too much to update on really. I'm boring like that I've bitten the bullet and decided to finally go see a Chiropractor again and see if they could help out on my back pain. I've seen one before and it didnt help much so I'll admit, I was very very hesitant. Especially since the first appointment costs me a pretty penny of 85$. Plus I dont like people touching me.....
Anyway, my boyfriend recommended me to a guy he went to see by the name of Dr.Bezon. I was really hesitant but went anyway, and when we went through the medical papers and whatnot I DID explain to him that although the paper legally says male, I'm biologically female so I do deal with feminine problems such as lower back pain in menstration, heavy chest from breasts and etc. He understood and didnt question any of it but wrote it down in my file for later reference. I've noticed that instead of using pronouns, he tends to just use the name. For instance, instead of saying "He/she has an appointment" he just uses "Warren has an appointment." Which is kind of nice really. Especially if you're not sure on the person's pronouns!
So I went and I'll admit, my first appointment was rather painful and sore and I was not completely bought yet. I was impressed that he did call and check up on me after my first appointment to make sure that I was doing alright, which he apparently does to all his new patients. Very thoughtful! I've gone back a few times since that first appointment and I've noticed that the more I've been going, the less pain I'm in. It's so nice! I went in today after my 11hr shift (85% if it being seated in a vehicle) with severe pain between my shoulders. This is a common area for my pain and its usually between 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale. I was extremely sore and hurting and slouching when I went in and he took his time to work out whatever I had going on back here. He was soooo fantastic. Normally its just some popping of my spine and neck and I'm right as rain, but today he actually did something that felt SOOOOOOOOO amazing. It hurt for a moment but he squeezed at my shoulders individually, pulling and pushing on them to "take the weight off your clavical and try and pull your collarbone away from your rotator cuff a little".
I've cracked my collar bone in the past so it wouldnt surprise me at all if it's pushed against a few things in there. But he stretched out my shoulders and omg.....it felt SO good! I lost feeling in my hands momentarily and he explained that it was because he was cutting off bloodflow momentarily so he could pull the muscles back into their original places or something like that. It felt so great....The cracking between my shoulders when I breathe has lessened a bit which is nice, and my nightly headaches have decreased drastically! I was having headaches every single night for weeks, now it's once in a while when I havent had any caffine yet. Apparently the muscle I had tension in thats on the right side of my neck (from looking left all the time while driving on patrol) was putting tension around my scalp and causing the headaches and some of my shoulder pain.
Also (several years ago, when I was 8 years old) I was rock climbing and fell 15 feet when I grabbed a snake instead of a rock. He thinks that the fall and the way I landed reversed part of my spinal curve which would cause a lot of my back pain. He's working on reversing that which isnt easy considering all the years and years that it's been messed up. But I'm very confident that he is being a massive help! I'll continue to go as often as I can, especially since my insurance covers it 100% which is EPIC!!
On another note, I reapply for my surgery this week. I was supposed to apply tomorrow (wednesday) but I realized that the appointment for my lab work (TSH test for my thyroid. Very routine.) was too close to my actual doctors appointment and it wouldnt give it enough time to process before seeing my doctor; so we moved it to testing tomorrow, appointment on Thursday. Which works for me, really lol So there's that, and hopefully (please please please PLEASE......) I'll get a quick (and good!!!) response on my surgery.
Also, for the FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRRRR, I voted today lol NH primaries were today and I decided it was time to contribute. I'm really really REALLY hoping the person I voted for will reach the white house....All the other candidates spell really bad bad vibes for the Transgender community....
Anyway, not much else going on. I have become rather good friends with all my alts now. To my knowledge, there are 6 of us. (One popped up randomly recently but I kind of like him lol he's funny He's like a caffine-filled chipmunk with ADHD lol)
Milo (sliding scale age, but normally around 8 years), Mathias (age 16), Abriella (age 23), Alexandru (age 23) and Benji (age 18).
It's so SOOOO weird to refer to myself as they/them/we sometimes. I'm still getting used to the idea of having Multiple Personalities but at times...I'm thankful for it. It makes me more open minded and I'll be honest, its nice to sometimes not have to deal with work and just tune everything out and 'sleep' while Alex takes over....Call me lazy but it's kind of nice.
Anyway, that's enough out of the insane nut in the peanut gallery.
A HUGE HUGE HUGE THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!, to Emma for her amazing gift towards my surgery. It was a huge spirit lifter and made me feel insanely good You're amazing! Unfortunatly Gofundme made me withdraw the funds from the account due to inactivity or something. But I'm going to get an unopenable money bank to put in my room and the whole check is going in it to keep saving up! I sadly had to spend a lot of my home-earned funds for bills school vacation really cut back on my hours for a long month so I lost a lot of hours and $ on my paycheck, so I had to use some of my earned funds on rent and registering my vehicle (ITS INSANE HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE YOU FOR THAT!!!).
All in due time I'd love to send out thank-you cards to everyone who has contributed to my surgery funds so please (if you're okay with it!) let me know your addresses? It's the least I can do!!! (If you're not comfy with it, that's totally cool too, just know how much I greatly appreciate you!!)
Updated pic Seriously loving my tattoo and rare manliness....
Hey guys, girls and uniques
So someone asked me to update everyone on the new look for my gofundme account, and I'll include that below.
Not much has happened really, not much to blog about anyway. Aside from my neighbor calling in tears because her elderly doberman-mutt dog, Wheezie, was told to be put down by an emergency Vet. The poor 13 yr old pup was laying on the floor in her own feces, whining and unable to stand, her hind legs stretched out towards her front awkwardly. My neighbor, who is like a mother to me, was reasonably very upset.
So I got some home remedies (cats claw and tumeric) to bring down and help little Wheezie with the pain. I was able to get the old girl up onto her feet after feeling her stomach, and realizing she were very gassy. Almost like Colic. Only intending on getting her up and moving around to help with the pain, I were relieved that she were more than willing to relieve herself OUTSIDE. Thats why she was whining! The poor baby knows she's not allowed to make messes in the house, but she simply couldnt stand up to go out. So after some help and walking around, I were very impressed to see her start walking around without my assistance with holding up her waist with a towel wrapped around her. She moved better as time went on, and I came to the conclusion that her Vet....is an idiot. She's not dying, she has a hip problem, and cannot get up on her own. She's old.
He judged her inability to live simply because her hair is falling out in clumps (duh, its spring. she's shedding!) and didnt even feel her hips or digestion to give her a proper exam. I grew up around animals from bears, hawks, deer, a dozen pet raccoons and even a pet skunk. Horses, cows, ducks, you name it! I'm not animal-stupid, that's for sure. And even a low-tech Vet Tech like me could tell this animal isnt ready to die. After giving her Cats Claw and Tumeric with dinner, I told my neighbor (Anne Marie) that I would be down later tonight with a dog halter/harness (like a vest) to help her outside to use the bathroom. I were extremely pleased and surprised, however, not only to find her laying on the blankets I had laid down for her---but she got up, on her own! No assistance needed, and she went down the stairs (though a bit wobbly) without my help. Drastic Improvement! Hoping for the best for the old girl!
http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand <<<<<<<updated version
So I realized last night that I hadnt really updated you guys lately. I dont blog NEARLY as much as I used to, but hopefully I can bring it back up at some point
So, so far I am LOVING my new job. The people here are SUPER supportive and understanding, and are well aware of me being transgender. They're totally cool with it, and even said that when it comes time for my surgery, as long as I give them a heads up before hand (which I totally would anyway) I can take the 2 weeks off to heal. My boss has been really cool about it and I love coming to work
As for my youtube, I am still attempting to keep up with it lol I have my new one (probably the shortest vid I've ever done!) and another one coming up at some point in the week. My upload times are scattered now with my new job, since I usually dont get home until around 4am on tuesday so getting up early on wednesday to film and upload is near impossible. I'm so tired! Either way, I'm doing what I can with what I have. Unfortunately my camera on my computer is nearly impossible to use as it freezes and the framerate lags like no other, so I'm reduced to using my ipod to film. Which can be a pain sometimes and looks sooooo unprofessional but....whatever. Use what I got. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3Da5exjrQ8]
In reference to the top surgery, I DID find a surgeon! The hospital I were originally supposed to go with continues to be stubborn in saying "one year of HRT" is their "policy" and they refuse to deviate from it. So I told them I'd take my business elsewhere. I found another guy who does the top surgeries, and have talked to two people who have also gone to him and said he was great. Only bad review I found about him was about a girl getting lip injections and she sounded whiny and demanding so I didnt take it to heart. He does not require HRT or a year's worth of Gender Therapy (which is great because I called to set up an appointment with one of the gender therapist. The list goes on until next year!!!). Originally my appointment were supposed to be for August 18th but they had to reschedule for September 1st because the surgery consultant is on vacation.Which is longer to wait but I'll just have to deal with it.
So far it's looking like the insurance WILL cover the surgery since I am in pain and discomfort which disrupts my daily life, but until I see the surgeon and get all the info, I cannot be sure. Fingers crossed that they'll cover it!! The back pain has been horrible lately I'm now at a 44DDD and my binders hurt to wear, on top of the fact that they dont really seem to do much to hide my "issues" anymore....It's super depressing. While working bar I do get the occassional "mister" or "buddy" or "guy" and "he". But I still get the she, her, miss, etc....There's not much I can do about it. I did mention to my boss out of a joke that it's a pain because sometimes you just cannot correct them without seeming rude, and she patted me on the back and said to give it time. I'm just a super impatient person.
Being back on my Zoloft has helped a little bit, but I'm thinking of increasing the dosage (Yes, my doc said I could. She said to finish this week on 25mg then go to my 50mg that I have stashed away from a previous dose). So we'll see how that goes. I have resisted self harm for about a month now, and although I've had nights when I certainly were ready to break that stride, I have so far stayed away from it. I'm hoping to keep staying cut-free, and keeping myself busy at work seems to help. It's nice because a lot of my job, I'm either super busy or on my own out in the woods, which helps. Seclusion sometimes helps the anxiety.
Anyways, stay awesome!
Yup. That's right ladies and gents and dogs and cats, its a second post in one day.
The reasons: Because I can.
Well, that and the post I did previously was actually for yesterday that I was too tired and lazy to do last night. THIS ONE is for TODAY.
Now, as some of you might or might not know, Halloween is coming. Like...in two days.
And if anyone knows me personally, they know that Halloween is practically my birthday.
Not really, I was born in May. But it's THAT important to me
I LOVE HALLOWEEN!! It's been my favorite holiday since the beginning of my miserably misguided life. Every year since I were twelve, I've been a vampire.
Vampires are everything to me I love the lore, the stories, the guidelines...So much in fact, I had joined a vampiric coven when I were sixteen. Shortlived, sadly, as I had to move AGAIN. But it was still epic.
The only year I deviated from being one of the undead was when I was Wednesday Adamms for my boyfriends grandmother, who hated vampire lore. But this year.....IM DEVIATING AGAIN!
Vampire? Too mainstream this year. What else is equally as fabulous that has been left in the shadows since Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries and The Originals?
So, I'm a werewolf this year.
So excited!! I have to go grab some shinanigans to throw on my face and make myself look epic for friday, because its WOOT WOOT!! DRESS DOWN DAY AT WORK!
Halloween night, all the chefs can wear WHATEVER THEY WANT (as long as it wont get in the food. Hairnets or hats still manditory, just ANY hat)
I'm so excited ROFL
I got my fangs as you can see in the pic
ILL SHOW YOU HOW IT LOOKS ON FRIDAY!
-Warren the Werewolf (has sort of a ring to it )
As you all know, tomorrow is thanksgiving, and like most of you I have a few things that need to get done. Obviously.
This year I'm going to my boyfriend's family's get together in an Inn at the top of a mountain. We've been there for last year's gathering and I'll admit, it's gorgeous and the view is absolutely the best (I'll post pictures when I can!)
But this year is going to be different for me, personally. Last year I were still enduring the dressy clothes and makeup and doing my hair and whatnot. But this year....I've had enough of it.
True I'll put a nice shirt on, but it's not going to be from my girl drawers. True I'll make my hair look good, but simply with a slight combing and some mousse, no pins or hairbands or pretty bows.
I wont be wearing makeup, and I wont be trying to look as girly as I can stand.
This year I'm not going as Kristy, I'm going as Warren. And all though they dont really know whats going on yet, and of course I'll still be called by my birthname since they dont know any better...I refuse to endure one more year of trying to fit the part of someone I'm not.
So, with this whole realization of courage and stubbornness...comes the anxiety. I know they're going to be staring at me, whispering comments, asking my boyfriend's mom "Whats going on with her?"
His family is known to be judgemental gossipers, so I know this will go smoothly until they start to whisper amongst themselves. Although I'll probably just find a nice corner to sit in with my tiny plate of food I probably wont even finish, at least I can say I went.
This year everyone was asked to bring one thing, and we were asked to bring two gallons of milk. But reality says NO ONE is going to drink TWO gallons of milk, so I improvised. We'll bring ONE thing of milk, and I'm bringing a dish.
One thing I've pleasantly mastered at work is pasta salads, and this year I'm going to make my Nana's Autumn Pasta Salad. It's pretty easy, and nice and crisp if you love flavor
I'll let you guys know how it went, and hope you all have a good holiday
Your buddy in Plaid,
NANA'S AUTUMN SALAD
-Boil some pasta (any kind you want. Bowties or elbows or shells work the best. Throw in some veggie pasta for color!) (MAKE SURE ITS COLD WHEN YOU MAKE THE SALAD)
-apples (golden delicious or granny smith are the best. peel and chop into cubes)
-pecans (crush or chop em up)
-Cucumbers (I like to peel them 100%, cut in half lengthwise, and take a spoon and scoop out all the seeds so its not so mushy and slimy, then cut the halves into small cubes)
-FRESH parsley (dried has next to NO flavor and you want the pretty green color in it)
Basically, boil up your pasta to your liking. In a bowl, mix up half a can of cranberry sauce with an equal amount of mayo & mix it well. (Cran-mayo is also great for turkey sandwiches or on other pasta dishes!) toss in a handful of your apples, pecans, cucumbers, raisins, and craisins. Mix well.
Mix it up with your pasta, THEN mix in your chopped up parsley. Let it sit for a bit to absorb the flavor and voila, Nana Gates' Autumn Salad ;)
Sometimes I forget when this all started, or if it ever had a start to begin with.
"To Thine Own Self Be True"
Shakespeare said that. In his act of Hamlet...Polonius in Hamlet said "This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"
The first bit always got to me. 'To Thine Own Self Be True" I didnt discover this quote until one night I were surfing the internet, my left arm numb and puffy from another bad day, and it just randomly popped out at me. I'd always been a fan of Shakespeare and Longfellow, and of course Mark Twain. But it were on that particular night, when I had attempted and failed to take too many medications. I'd simply had enough. I didnt want to deal with the pain and anguish of life unknown. To endure the suffering frustration of not knowing who I were, or what I were doing, or why I were so cruelly cursed the way I were. I kept thinking "If there even is a god, why would he play a joke so cruel as to put my mind in the wrong body, just to watch me suffer? And not only let others alienate me, but let me alienate myself."
I were no stranger to pain. I were a very clumsy child by birth. Constantly breaking bones or bruising my flesh by accident, so much in fact that the doctors pulled me aside at the age of thirteen and asked if my widowed mother were abusing me. She werent, of course. But I were always bruised.
At the age of seventeen or so, I began the foolish endeavor of burning. I'd heat up a butter knife with a candle, and burn myself. On my neck, my shoulders, my arms...none scarred though. I werent sure why I were doing it, I only knew that it made my emotional breakdowns better.
I knew there were something going on with me, and I couldnt figure out what. I were always sad, always annoyed, always angry. Nothing anyone could do or say would help, but increase it.
Unfortunatly, nothing my mother would say or do helped either. She seemed to make things so much more worse, and it wouldnt be until I got older did I realize she werent doing it to be mean. She just didnt understand what was happening to her daughter. I refused dresses, I despised shopping, and every part of me wanted to break down and start to scream when she demanded I keep my hair long.
I hated myself, and I couldnt even understand why. Looking in the mirror, staring at my reflection, and wishing I could make it disappear. All of it. I didnt know what I wanted different, but I just wanted it.
I didnt understand why the terms "miss, ma'am, girl, woman" offended me so much. They're just words, right? Just things people would say? It never occurred to me...
When people would say "because you're a girl" or "girls shouldnt do that", All I wanted to do was scream on top of my lungs and tell them to shove it down their throats. I were so violent...all the time.
I became severely depressed, and nothing could soothe me. Id always wanted to continue doing self harm, but I never worked up the nerve. I couldnt get myself to start. You see...I didnt want to die. I didnt want to take that chance, and have an accident. I just wanted to numb out the mental anguish.
Back this year, I had finally leapt that boardwalk and plunged into the darkness of regret. I had finally told my boyfriend that I were bisexual. That part was easy. He were actually glad for it.
But when I told him I were male, just not physically, my life turned upside down.
Our relationship strained, though neither of us would let go of it. We couldnt...not after four years together. I found something at my place of work, in the first aid box on the wall. At first it were innocent. I had a splinter, so I found something called a "Splinter-Out". Nothing that could cause serious, life threatening damage. I took out a splinter, and were amazed by how well it worked...
And I started my journey through the darkness.
It started with just a few. Two cuts, that's all. But then it became four. And five. As I sit here, I can count out the twenty-five little pink scars on my left and right arms. And those are the ones that remained, not including the ones that never stayed behind. It became a staple for my anxiety, to hold back my fits of emotional breakdowns. The physical pain numbed out the emotional turmoil. But when I realized that I couldnt 'just stop', it scared me. I turned to my boyfriend, and a few online friends.
So far, I'm on day 14 of no cutting. And it's not easy. Today has been horrible....
That's why I'm writing. To distract myself. To pass the time, and keep myself safe.
And mostly...to get it off my chest.
I'm in the process of getting a tattoo over my scars.
A nice victorian gothic scroll over my forearm. And the quote on top of it?
"To Thine Own Self Be True"
Sometimes I cant help but wonder if its really just the bipolar that puts me down.
That beats me down, puts me in the dirt, and keeps my face in the sludge while laughing in my face. Ever time I seem to be doing fine…every time things are looking up, something always grabs me by the throat and shoves me back down. Puts me in my place. Regardless of how far I’ve come, regardless of how many people I help, and regardless of how well I can front a smile---its breaking me down just to get up in the mornings.
I don’t want to eat. I cant sleep more than a few hours at night, or eighteen without warning. I cant keep my hands away from my blades, and away from my arm. I cant get up in the morning with optimism without having something, ANYTHING, reminding me that I’m a waste of space and I’m not going anywhere. Maybe no one said anything bad to me. Maybe people finally left me alone for ten minutes without getting in my face. Regardless, I still cannot remove myself from the darkness within the confines of my own mind. There’s times when all I want to do is wander off and start a fight with someone I don’t even know. To feel the crunch of bone under my fist and the sting of broken knuckles. To FEEL SOMETHING. Other than the life crushing depression and anger that swallows me up all the time. Yeah, I have my medications. No, I haven’t been taking them. Why? Because they don’t help me regardless. I can be faithful with them, taking my pills every morning like a good little spud. But that night you’ll still find me curled up and bloodied. You’ll still find me reaching for those blades, and you will absolutely still find me angry at the whole world with no one to blame.
I have no reason to be pissed off. I have no reason to be depressed. But I am.
I feel as though the whole world is against me, although I’m not even out in that world. I stay hidden in my room, moping. Laying in bed in all hours of the day, just staring at the ceiling. Nothing to occupy my time. And if I did have something, I don’t enjoy it. Nothing I do keeps me satisfied for more than an hour or two. I fall asleep at four in the morning, aching with backpain. My head throbbing from furious aggression boiling up with nothing to dispense it on. Every turn I take, something’s blocking the path. Every time I raise my fists to free up my path again, I get lost. Something turns me around, and I start walking in circles. It’s like living in my own personal labrynth, invisible to everyone but me. All the turns look the same, all the paths walked on already. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
I haven’t seen my doctor about any of this because what’s the point? They’ll just give me more medications that make me more sick than healthy. There’s nothing they can do about my overwhelming dysphoria that seems to shred every existence of a calm. I cant look in the mirror without a skull cracking aggressive response to want to shatter the glass with my bare fists. I cant shower without glancing down at myself and wanting to beat and bruise myself until I cant take it anymore. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I’m so damn angry all the time I cant even cry.
I mentioned my issues to a professional and all she did was direct me to a suicide hotline. Here’s my input on it though. Anyone who’s suicidal and feels beyond help, isn’t going to SEEK that help. They don’t want to pick up the phone and listen to someone fake up all these reasons that they’re important and need to stick with it! They don’t know you, they don’t know your problems, and even if you explain it, how the hell is one more stranger involved in your life supposed to heal your anguish?
I thought I was doing better. I thought I was getting by.
I thought wrong.
I cant even talk to my sisters without wanting to just shut my ipod off, roll over in bed and play dead. I get angry over nothing. Snap about nothing. Complain then feel like crap for involving other people in my problems. Useless waste of breath, just to ruin someone elses day and drag them down with you. And it's not even their faults. My Sister Des does everything, EVERYTHING she can to try and make me happy. Sending me messages every morning to make sure I'm okay. Trying her best to cheer me up and remind me that words are only words, and no one can ruin my life unless I let them. But.....I just cant stop myself. I have no control over my own emotions anymore.
I remember being like this when I was sixteen. My only solution was to go out and f*** away my problems with people I hardly knew, just to feel all my energy and anger be used up and wasted away. But it never really got rid of my emotional overload. Just made them fester and question myself. My sexuality, my identity, my personal worth…I just sit here and stare at nothing. Think nothing. Fists shaking and a bountiful pile of bloodied tissue next to me.
Yes, I cut. I’m not even ashamed of it. Why should I be? Some people smoke and get lung cancer. Some people smoke weed and rot their brains. Some people shoot up and destroy their organs. Some people are alcoholics and destroy their lives. I made little slices, watch it bleed, and call it a night. I’m not hurting anyone, and its not going to kill me. It’s no where deep enough to even be a risk. So why f***ing stop? What’s the point?
I don’t want my breasts. I want them gone, and it’s a struggle every day not to just do it myself. I like my hair short, despite the backstabbing crap I hear from my boyfriends mother behind my back about it. I HATE being called a girl all day by her. Being called Kristy. Being told she will never ever accept me as I am. Being lied about. Her and my mother and my older sister running their f***ing mouths saying “SHE is only that sexuality because SHE WANTS ATTENTION”.
“SHE is only transgender because SHE WANTS ATTENTION”
“SHE only cuts herself because SHE WANTS ATTENTION”
“SHE only changed her name because SHE WANTS ATTENTION”
HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION NOW? Because that’s all anyone seems to think that I need. Attention.
When all I really want….is for everyone to leave me alone.
I just want to feel….okay. I’m sick of helping everyone else when I know, I KNOW, I cant even help myself. I just want to disappear…
And I don’t know why I’m even blogging this…
But there you go. My blog for the night. Enjoy.
Or, I guess, Kristy. Since that's all anyone seems to care about outside of my computer.
I wanted to throw this out there, as a sidenote off from one of my other blog posts this evening.
I wanted to take this time to sit down, mellow out, and most of all....Thank you.
Thank every single one of you. All of you who stop and peek into my demented mind to read my blogs. Thank you for stopping and feeling my pain, laughing with me, shaking your head at my own less-than-witty comments, and crying with me if it so suited you.
I'm extremely, unbelievably grateful for every one of you and ALL the friends I've made, and friends I'm yet to make on here. You've all been extremely helpful to me and have kept my chin up out of the muck and grime of grief and guilt and unbelievably overwhelming life's chaos. I will certainly continue to be grateful for all of my wonderful friends here on TGG. It has been beyond enriching, appreciated, heartwarming, enlightening and uplifting to have such a fantastic support system behind me. To know that no matter what is going on in my life, I know that I'll always have my friends here on TGG to help me through it. To break my fall, and pick me back up once again and brush me off and say "Go get 'em, tiger!" I cannot possibly express to you all how wonderful you've all been to me. From simply liking my blogs, to the wonderfully informative or supportive comments, to the remarkable personal messages of support and encouragement...I love logging in and seeing what everyone is doing and saying and up to in this world of awesomesauce.
You've all opened up my eyes from the cruel word and shown me that there IS a place for me, I'm NOT useless, and I DO have a voice that I am ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to use..
I love blogging for you guys and plan to continue to do so as much as I can, and I BEG that you guys try not to get too bored with me when Things get too chaotic to on a regular basis.
I'm always thinking of all of you, and without you guys, I wouldnt be where I am today!
Have a FANTASTIC holiday!
Have a VERY Merry Christmas, A WONDERFUL Hanukkah and VERY VERY Happy New Year!!!
I love you all!
Your friend and crazy Blogger,
I thought it were over. I thought the drama were done. But it hadnt even started yet.
The morning started off with the worse headache I've ever had.
Pushing that aside, I headed to work. For the past week, the radio that I use in my area has been taken by an older and somewhat aggrivating co-worker. Me being kind, I let it go.
True, music helps my anxiety stay back. But I couldnt just take it away from the brute.
But today, I had forgotten my dosage of medications, and I were on edge plus agony from the headache.
With halloween being the next day, I knew that I had a playlist to play the next day during meals for the holiday. My favorite holiday, if you hadnt noticed.
So I went over to have a talk with "Dave".
I could have been mean. I could have been rude. I could have said "hey I want the radio back NOW"
But no....I were trying to be considerate. "Hey Dave, when you're all set can you put the radio back in my area? And I'd really appreciate if you could use a different one tomorrow, I have plans for it tomorrow." Is what I said, calmly.
Which he snapped at me, ranting about how it doesnt belong to just me and that I needed to stop being selfish and rude and etc etc. I told him its a company radio, we're all supposed to share it. So he threw that very comment in my face, saying that I were keeping it all to myself. WHAT!?
So....I broke. "You're such an ***hole" and walked off, beyond annoyed.
So instead of just letting it drop, since he had his precious radio blaring the worst of the oldies, he instead came out ON THE FRONT LINE, in front of CUSTOMERS, screaming at me about how I will NEVER speak to him like that again, and how I were a disrespectful b**** and that I will NEVER use that language towards him again or he'll "Tell Head Chef"
To which I simply shrugged at him the whole time like "whatever" which I think irked him even more.
I stayed composed. Until he left, and everyone were staring at me. I broke...
Holding it back until I were down the hall, I hid in the dry storage room's back corner behind some boxes and punched the daylights out of some canned goods and cardboard boxes, put my steeltoe boots to use against a box, then broke down in an anxiety attack and bawled my pathetic eyes out.
I just couldnt handle it. I couldnt take the stress, the utter and complete BULLS***
One of the deli girls found me and was too freaked out by seeing me cry since I avoid doing so at work, and she ran off to find my boyfriend. Who wasnt very helpful, to be honest.
He just stood there staring at me, seeming unimpressed.
When I went to lean against him for a hug, he again, just stood there. No hug back, no comforting, just stood there. So I told him to just go back to work, and he did without argument or insistence to help me. He just....walked away.
Thanks a lot....
After almost half an hour or so, I finally emerged. Mentally repeating "hes not worth it. just breathe. Dont let them see it."
I had to retreat to the bathroom only once more after that to breathe and such one more time, before emerging once more.
I'm not going to lie, I wanted to cut. I wanted to so badly. I even resorted to attempting to use the rough edge of a scanner card that were on my keychain. Thankfully, nothing I had would have sufficed even in the slightest.
All day, Dave treated me like crap and told everyone I were disrespectful and behaved like a whiney child. He's one to talk.....I wanted to quit my job so badly. I still plan to, once I have another lined up. I'm so done with them......so, so done...
So instead, for the rest of the night, I busied myself doing what I love most. Halloween things.
I cut out bats, I decorated my whole station, made it my own. Got a few compliments on it. And above all.....I HID that damn radio. There's no way hes taking it from me tomorrow. SUCK THAT, DAVE.
He can go spit for all I care.
All I want to focus on is tomorrow.
I dont need them. I dont need their crap. Tomorrow I'm going to just be my character and brush them off my shoulders.
Sidenote: I've realized today that I have mastered the skill of "Plastic Face" when I'm breaking and bleeding on the inside. It's becoming rather useful and decieving.
So, my therapist had me do a project. Well, ex-therapist. I quit her, but I never did the project. Decided to do it tonight. She wanted me to write about how I felt with my 'conditions.'
Here ya go.
"Imagine a desert. No beginning and no ending. Nothing in sight but sand and an occasional breeze. It’s humid and agonizingly hot, every breeze that wanders through only seems to increase the heat. Every direction in which you wander only seems to send you in the same looping circles, though you cannot tell because there are no markers and no footprints. Nothing to occupy you while you wander aimlessly and afraid. You feel no thirst in this desert. No hunger in your belly. But instead of these things, you instead suffer such an overwhelming sense of failure that nothing seems worthwhile. Every step you take is agony. Your feet burn from the sand, yet you cannot bare to stand in one spot for too long, fearing you may scream from the pain. Yet it doesn’t matter, because every scream that escapes your lips is silent. Every wail and cry is unheard in this vast and seemingly empty desert of sand and dune. No one can hear your grief. No one can comfort your fear. Ghosts only occupy your mind, though they whisk away as nothing but sand with empty and concerned eyes. There seems to comfort from this burning hell, and nothing seems to comfort and relieve you. It is as if you’re burning apart from the inside out, turning hollow and dark. You think you see shadows of guests in your own personal hell, but alas, they only turn away and disappear into the dunes. Mirages, simply put there to make you hope before making you weep. There seems to be no escape, yet you’re not even sure how you got there to begin with. All you can do is wander, and wait, and hope that someone somewhere will rescue you.
These things are Depression.
Imagine that you are within a room. It is a tiny room, to be honest. This tiny room has only four walls of a bland grey, the floor covered in broken and cracked tiles of unidentified color. Should you know this color? Have you forgotten this color? The ceiling is low against you. So low that it actually forces you to remain laid down upon that floor, curled up in an uncomfortable position, struggling to find relief from this frustrating situation. No position seems to help, and every part of your body hurts from the attempts to find one. Not only can you find no comfort, but from places unknown, noise vibrates through these walls. These grey, oddly crowding walls. Are they shrinking? Have they gotten shorter? Perhaps you should have noticed this. Have you gone crazy? These noises make no sense. They jumble together like spilt scrabble pieces, making no sense but reaching you nevertheless. Screams inaudible. Nails upon chalk, a pounding like hundreds of hammers against your little walls. Wailing for unknown ailments, furious yelling as though angry creatures stalk for you. Should you remain quiet? Or are they here to help you? No, you remain quiet. Perhaps it is best. The noises never dull. They never quit, and they never quiet. Unyielding and demanding, these sounds pester and frighten you in your little box. You need something—anything—to lock out those taunting walls and frightening noises. Anything to make it stop, even if just for a moment to offer you repreave. Yet…you dare not move. You dare not breathe. They might hear you. They might tear apart your walls and discover you. Every scream seems to be your name. Every angry cuss feels as though it were directed at you. Every wail seems to be of your cause, filling you with despair. And among these things, the whispers can be heard. Are they mocking you? Perhaps. Are they rumors of your existence, spoken either kindly or of ill will? You’ll never know. Are they perhaps just comments of your agony, or broken and weak attributes? Can they see you in that box? Or perhaps they are nothing at all. Perhaps you’ve simply lost your mind. Is this all a game that you’re failing? Regardless, they persist. Should you listen? It hurts to hear their sounds. But what if it is something important? Maybe you should know these things. If only it were all silent, you could perhaps breathe. The tiny confinement limits your air, cutting away your ability to think clearly with all the noise and that agonizing sense of dry drowning. You want to escape. You want to flee as far and as fast as you can. But instead, you have to wait for someone to open your box and let you out.
These things are Anxiety.
Your day begins as it always does. You don’t remember when exactly you fell asleep the night before. Or what woke you up today, for that matter. Regardless, here you are. You stare at the ceiling in a sense of hopeless ambition, feeling as though you’re sinking. You almost hope you do, actually. To sink down so far that you will never have to come out. Yet, you do. You somehow insist on getting up, beginning to dress yourself. What will you wear? Will you conform to society’s demands, or will you do what makes you feel normal? Let us assume for a moment that society rules today. You wear what they demand, a sense of aching in your chest as you slip into the clothes that they deem appropriate. You feel ridiculous and hideous, yet you endure it. Perhaps you wander to the bathroom and paint on a face that is not yours? Wearing a mask with bold lettering stating “I’m fine”. Perhaps you will do something with your hair. You’re not entirely sure what to do with it, because everything you attempt seems odd and unfamiliar. As if you’re modeling yourself in someone else’s image. Someone you are not, yet….someone you are. They say you are. They insist you are. With a heavy sigh and a broken heart, you wander from your room. Will you work today? Will you go to school today? It all blends together regardless. It feels as though all eyes are on you. Every detail of yourself seems flawed and obvious, and everyone is whispering about it. You are desperate to hide, even if for a moment. This isn’t you….This isn’t who you are…but its only for today. Right….?
No, let us instead chose that you decide to be yourself. You set aside those things, and you avoid that mask. It has been put away for now, and you can use your authentic smile and enjoy today. You dress as you wish, and do your hair as you please. Yes, this looks right. This looks pleasing for once. Is that a smile I see? Yes, I think it is, actually. Perhaps today will be fine Perhaps today you will enjoy being out of that bed. But wait…they’re still looking at you. Are they looking even more? I cannot tell, to be honest. But…but wait. Those things you don’t like. They’re hidden, aren’t they? Those things that you wish you could remove yourself, but know it will end you for certain. They cannot be seen can they? But it feels as though everyone sees them. Everyone seems to point, even if not physically. They whisper, they talk, then they giggle. Do they know this is really you? Or do they think this is a mask? Do you blend in, or do you stick out like some freakishly abnormal thumb? Perhaps you will be the mask again tomorrow. Perhaps it is safer. But wait…the mask hurts. But doesn’t this hurt? Nothing seems right.
These things are Dysphoria.
Today you are happy. Today you have had no cause of alarm, and you’ve found a rather enjoyable time either playing games or spending time with friends. Your smile is priceless, your joy unavoidable. It seems contagious, as if you have gotten the laughing virus and no one is immune to your illness. You find a smile on the faces of others enjoyable, and you thrive on these things. You giggle and you jump around, having a blast and perhaps even singing without shame. You dance as if your mother will be embarrassed, and you have no shame. But wait…what is this? Where did this darkness come from? Your smile disappears. Your chest aches and you can feel your heart sinking. As if it were a literal disease, your heart sinks into your stomach like the titanic and disappears. You look around, and everyone is still smiling. Why wont they stop smiling? All you can think is “stop smiling at me!”. You want it to stop, and its making you furious. What is this feeling? Where has it come from? Nothing had upset you that you can remember. You were so happy five minutes ago. What changed? People will ask you what they did wrong. You have no answer for them, yet somehow it is annoying that they ask. They will ask you ‘are you angry at me?’ and you will struggle to figure that out. Are you angry with them? But weren’t you just happy with them? Did they do something wrong to you, or have they done something that somehow impacted your emotion? You cant even put words to it. It is as if someone has taken your happy. They have taken that little spark in your eyes and put it in a box, and they’re holding it hostage. Perhaps it will come back. You want people to give it back to you, and you want them to understand that they did nothing wrong. But you wish they’d stop asking you what is wrong. You don’t know what is wrong, and it is frustrating to try and figure it out. But wait, what is this emotion now? Are these new things?
These things are Bipolar.
You have your desk, and it is your own. Your own design, your own order, your own creation. Things are just as you please, and nothing can damage that. You know how things are to be done, and how things will work, and these things make life pleasant. You enjoy your things and your desk, your creations and your order. Yes, your order. The patterns in which you place things, making them as your mind has decided ‘yes, this is right’. You will not understand this order, but you will obey this order. You may try to explain it to others around you, but this is a language that they do not understand. You walk away, pleased with this order. But wait, you come back. Someone has altered your design. They have changed your order. These things are not in their places. Your mind falters like a car out of control, screaming tires and smoke. No, no, no, no! This must be corrected! They have changed things! What has been changed? You cannot decide. No, no, this must not be. These things make your head ache, your heart beat rapidly, your hands sweat and your fingers shake. No, this must not be! You scramble to fix these things. People point and laugh. This is amusing to them. They will alter them later simply to watch you panic once more, though they hardly understand the pain your head feels at this moment. These things must not be so. Your order must persist. Your design must be as it was. Your stomach is in knots, as if this alter of design will cause you harm. As if this change of pace will bring forth a sense of dread unknown to man and misunderstood by all who witness it. Wait…yes…yes, this is better. This is your order. Yes, you have fixed this disaster. You have brought peace to this chaos. You’ve done it! You’ve brought back your order, your design, you have recreated the life in which they have destroyed. Yes, you can breathe now. You can breathe. You can relax. All is well, and all shall remain well. So long as the order is kept…
These things are Over Compulsive Disorder.
There are more of these things.
Perhaps we will speak of these things later.
These things have made me tired.
Also my Mom called me Ren. Kind of a big deal, but I'm still cautious about it. It's not like her to cooperate so well....
These past two days have both been wonderful, and difficult.
Prideful, and shameful.
It started out with a simple errand. My boyfriend had to work, so I went into town on my own, something I rarely get the opportunity to do. So I threw on my binder and a lose black sweater and my jeans, and wandered half an hour from home to do my errands. Grab some groceries, refill on meds, things of that nature. One thing that I needed to pick up, was an auto paint pen. For those of you who arent sure what that is, it's just the paint to fix scratches on your vehicle in the accessability of a marker. So I gathered the barcode and color code, and wandered in to find it.
I knew where I was going, because I rather enjoy being at the autopart store, and knew where things were. But out of no where I heard "How can I help you, sir?"
I paused, looking over my shoulder. Surely that werent for me....was it? It was.
I couldnt help but stare at the man and do all I could to resist smiling from ear to ear. He didnt say miss, or ma'am, or lady....he said sir. SIR. I wanted to hug him, I was so happy.
Expecially since I've seen this man before plenty of times while with my boyfriend, but that was back when I dressed like a girl and had the unbearable waist-long hair. Now....I was sir.
Unfortunatly they didnt have the paint that I needed, so I left empty handed, but with a smile on my face. They didnt understand why I looked so happy after being turned down of products, but that was just fine with me.
My next stop was over to UnderArmor, to find a compression shirt. I was nervous, not sure what I was looking for at all, and wandered aimlessly in confusion. Eventually I decided to ask for help, and actually had to stop and think when they asked if I was looking for mens or womens clothing. I nearly gagged when I said womens...I wanted to say mens, but if it was a matter of how it would work, I guessed it was better to be honest. She wandered around to try and help me out, but came up empty handed. So she called upon the manager, Adam. Who, by the way, threw off all the hints that perhaps he were less than straight. Which was just fine with me.
He smiled and helped me out, but then he stopped and stared at me. His gaze told of nothing but concern and sympathy, before he got really close and lowered his voice to a whisper.
"Darling I love you just the way you are, and please do not be offended...but is this going under a binder?" he asked.
I wanted to hide. I wanted to shove him out of my way and run from that store like a lunatic. But instead I stood dumbfounded, ashamed, and nodded. He smiled though, touched my shoulder, and gave me a wink. "Perfect. Now I know what you need" he grinned.
He was so helpful! One look and he guessed my size, showed me what would work best for what I needed, and I left with two shirts (which were PERFECT by the way, this man was a GENIUS!) and another grin.
THOSE were my PRIDEFUL moments.....then came my shame.
The next night, my boyfriend and I decided to go watch Dracula in the theater, being that I am HUGE into the vampiric mythology and Dracula could practically be my uncle
I grabbed his button up black shirt, because I love how it fits, and even took the time to throw some junk in my hair to keep it looking decent. Something I dont normally even bother with because I sort of like my messy look XD
I had no problems until we got to the theater, and I decided to use the restroom before the movie started. Something told me this werent going to go well for some reason, but I went anyway.
I went in the women's restroom, because that's what I'm used to, and I havent gotten to the point yet that said it's alright to go in the mens. Did my business, etc.
Everything was fine until I went to wash my hands, and was confronted by a middle aged mom with a toddler on her hip, a look of horror on her face.
"What the **** are you doing in here?!" was her screams in my face. I were confused at first, til I realized that just like the day before, perhaps I didnt look feminine.
"There are little girls in here! Get the **** out, you pedophile!" she yelled. Everyone were staring at me now, and I didnt know what to do. I tried to move past her to wash my hands, but she continued to yell at me the whole time I were at the sink. Calling me names, calling me a pervert, and even one of the little girls went to hide in one of the stalls because she thought a boy was in the girls room.
My face were so red with shame and embarrassment, that I wanted to curl up in a corner. I didnt even bother to dry my hands, I just fled the bathroom with my head down, hearing the door slam behind me and the excited screaming of the woman on the other side of it.
I hate the way I am. I always have. But this....this just made me feel so much worse.
I dont belong in the men's room..not yet. But....now I dont even belong in the women's bathroom either? I dont like germs...I'm slightly germaphobic. But now....**** public bathrooms. I'll hold it.
So in one way, it was a good experience, because it goes to show that I'm slowly molding into the man I want to be. But in another way, it's pushing me further into that void where I dont belong with them, I dont belong with the guys....I dont belong anywhere. I'm in limbo, and there's no where to go except forwards or back.
I really hope I'm not messing things up,
I got busy doing something here at home and completely forgot to post a blog >.<
Forgive me! You know I love you all and would never forget you! Just the blog......
So it was a while ago, and I dont remember if I showed you all, but here goes nothing.
I finally got my letter
Now, I'm still working on getting a simular letter form my ex-therapist, Joan. Along with a copy of my file. But she's been increasingly stubborn on the subject and they still have not sent one, even after me paying to print out a release form, sign it, and drive it over to them. BUT, on another hand, I have something for the Gender Therapist and Surgeons. Next time they want to throw the "you have to go on hormones" thing in my face, I'll have back up.
"Do I need to be on testosterone in order to have top surgery?"
"Top surgery does NOT require Hormones. Many of the patients over the years have not been on hormones and never plan on taking hormones. A male contour can still be achieved"
So, HA! TAKE THAT YOU BULLSHITTER!!
Cant pull the wool over MY eyes!
Oh yeah, and here's weezie lol shes feeling much better!